Fairytales and Romantic Comedies
Title: airytales and Romantic Comedies
Rating PG
Word Count: 7512
Warnings Angst. No seriously.
Spoilers None
Summary: "Morgana did not believe in love at first sight; she hated fairytales as a rule. But she was prepared, in her much more scientific way, to admit to the existence of an instant chemistry and this one smacked her like a blow to the head."
She met him at Arthur’s birthday party.
She’d heard about him before then - Arthur’s funny new friend, his room-mate with whom, despite sharing little in common, he’d managed to build a rapport.
“Morgana,” he said, dragging her over. “This is Merlin.”
“Hi,” he said with a smile.
Morgana did not believe in love at first sight; she hated fairytales and as a rule. But she was prepared, in her much more scientific way, to admit to the existence of an instant chemistry and this one smacked her like a blow to the head.
His eyes were beautiful, his cheekbones stunning, his dimple adorable and his mouth, she couldn’t help but notice, suggestive of many more uses than just eating.
Never one to stare or lose her cool however, Morgana asked: “So what do you study Merlin?”
“Social work,” he said. “I want to be a youth worker”
“Really?” Morgana asked, pleasantly surprised. She had always romanticised such work, and was much given to attending protest marches against tax cuts that benefited the hated upper class, against which she held up an idealised view of a victimised poor.
“Yeah,” he replied, smiling. “I want to help people.”
She smiled broadly back.
***
Three hours of continuous and passionate conversation later, and Morgana was back up against the toilet door, moaning into Merlin’s hot mouth.
“Do you have anything?” she asked breathlessly, gasping a little when he stepped away from her completely.
“Morgana,” he panted, face red and pants straining. “Maybe we should wait.”
“Wait?” she wasn’t a delicate flower.
“Yeah,” he said breathlessly. “You know, swap numbers and all that first. Besides,” he continued with a smile, “it gives me the chance to see you again.”
She was never one for romance, for fairytales or romantic comedies. But her heart melted at that, at his unabashed cheesiness, gorgeous smile and total sincerity.
“Sure,” she said, surprising herself with her own quiet tone, no trace of challenge or display. “I’d love to.”
They swapped numbers and when she got a text barely ten minutes after leaving the party, arranging a meeting for the following day, she smiled to herself.
***
They met at a local café, nothing special - Morgana’s distaste at the triteness of meeting for a date in a café overridden by her excitement to see him.
They smiled awkwardly at one another, each determined not to let their nerves and excitement show, and quickly struck up a conversation to cover the charged atmosphere. Morgana was surprised by how easily conversation flowed without stopping after they had already talked for three hours the night before. She discovered he liked vintage films, had an eclectic taste in music (“I like everything really”) and had wanted to be a youth worker ever since volunteering at a homeless shelter for school at fifteen. Morgana was charmed by the way he freely admitted that before this his aspiration had been to be a stay-at-home dad.
“It seems nice to me,” he said with another blinding smile. “I dunno, I wouldn’t want to feel like a servant or anything, but I like the idea of looking after the kids.”
“Perfectly suited to your degree then,” Morgana teased.
“Yeah, bit manlier to do it for someone else’s kids isn’t it?”
But Morgana liked that he didn’t care about what everyone else thought and told him so.
Merlin blushed but seemed pleased and conversation flowed on to Morgana and her life. She told him about her day job as a receptionist for the local MP, but that her real passion was the volunteer work she did with the organisation Socialist Alternative.
Arthur teased her relentlessly about SA, but Merlin listened with genuine interest while she expanded on all the work they did until the waitress interrupted to deliver their order.
The date, all in all, was a success, and if Merlin refusing to go back to Morgana’s apartment pending further dates was not what Morgana needed or wanted, well, she was happy to overlook that in the face of his brilliant smile at her promise to see him again.
***
After that, it was like a dream. He took her next to the movies, then on a picnic and finally, after a dinner at an upmarket restaurant, they went back to her apartment. Giggling, she called her friends and cancelled all her plans; they stayed in bed all weekend and made love over and over.
He began to spend the night more and more often at her apartment. Morgana, not yet ready to share her personal business with Arthur (with whom she had a somewhat fractious relationship) did not go back to his.
Merlin was, in a truly impressive display of masculinity, completely unconcerned about Arthur’s possible reaction to the news that his flatmate was dating his sister. In fact he seemed more ready to commit to their relationship than Morgana - within weeks she was meeting his mother, a nice, gentle woman with a house that smelled like cinnamon. Morgana was nervous about the pace, but flattered and impressed nonetheless.
Increasingly, Morgana found herself spending her nights with Merlin - making love and talking, not just about the events of her life, but her hopes and dreams, her failures and regrets, her opinions on people and politics. Merlin was a very good listener - he drank in everything she said with a gentle smile on his face.
Merlin always made sure to have something lined up for the two of them on weekend, whether it was going to the theatre or simply to a school fete to buy up on homemade cakes; he was careful that their relationship should never become stagnant by “settling down” and spending the entirety of the two days in bed. Morgana was pleased beyond words to have found someone as against Settling In and becoming A Couple as she was. She had never been one for fairytales or romantic comedies.
Soon however, Merlin began to organise more outings as part of a group; she met his friend Will, then his friend Lance, and taking the hint, she agreed that they should tell their mutual friends Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine and Leon about themselves, even though she wasn’t yet sure if she was ready.
But it couldn’t have gone more smoothly. Arthur was a little shocked at first, but after Morgana’s “Oh come on Arthur, it’s not like he’s your ex or anything,” gruffly agreed that he was pleased that they were happy. Gwen, squealed and cooed over them, and Gwaine asked if it was time for a drink.
“See?” Merlin told her happily later that night. “It was fine Morgana.”
Morgana gazed happily at his smiling face and wondered if everything he touched would turn to gold.
***
They had been going out for six months when it happened - Merlin had seemed to instinctively know to wait, for which Morgana was grateful.
She had never been one for fairytales or romantic comedies, and wasn’t sure how she might’ve taken it had it come sooner. But as it was, all she felt was happiness.
They were cuddling on the couch at Merlin and Arthur’s apartment (Arthur was out), watching one of Merlin’s favourite vintage film The Swarm, when the film ended and Merlin flicked the channel onto Luther. Morgana cried out “Oh I love this show!” and Merlin responded “I love you.”
There was something of a ringing silence; Merlin bowed his head and grinned at the floor, as though he was cheekily waiting to be punished for his tenacity in sneaking in such a statement into a casual conversation.
It was such a touching sight that Morgana felt a rush of warmth all over.
“I love you too,” she said.
Merlin looked up, and Morgana smiled and kissed him.
***
The one downside to all their friends knowing about them was that now they were expected to turn up to everything as a couple.
Merlin seemed perfectly happy with it, but it bothered Morgana that she never got any invitations of her own anymore - instead, everything was addressed to “Morgana and Merlin”, even text messages.
Morgana tried to explain to Merlin how it made her feel constricted, but Merlin only smiled his goofy grin and said, “don’t worry, everything I get is ‘Morgana and Merlin’ too, even though my friends only met you a few months ago. You’d think it’d be ‘Merlin and Morgana’ from Will at least. So at least you know you wear the pants in the relationship.”
Morgana laughed and felt a bit better, so she didn’t mention it again.
***
Then came the day Merlin graduated his course in social work. Morgana had never felt prouder of him, applauding hard as she watched him collect his diploma. He was going to make a real difference in the world; he already had a job lined up at a youth shelter with someone named Lance that he’d met on one of his pracs.
But the day was significant, not for what happened at his graduation, but for what occurred afterward. Sitting in a pub with Gwen watching Merlin roundly defeat Arthur and Leon at darts, Morgana was completely unsurprised for his drunken celebratory embrace, the kiss planted wetly on her cheek, or his whispered, “we should move in together.” She laughed awkwardly in response and plied him off onto Leon and Gwaine, and Merlin, not seeming to realise the impact of his words, went happily to the snooker table.
The following morning Morgana expected Merlin to retract to his words, or even to forget them - after all, they had all been very drunk. But to her surprise, he repeated them, with more sincerity than they’d had the night before.
“I really love you Morgana,” he said. “We’ve been going out for ages and now that I can get a real job I can start helping you out. We can pool our money together, maybe save for a holiday or something.”
Morgana felt uncomfortable at the image of domestic bliss his words conjured up; after all, she had never been one for fairytales, or romantic comedies. She was not sure that sharing such a life with a man had ever been something she had ever really wanted; her mother had called her selfish for it, but she had never liked having to compromise for others.
But he’s right she thought, looking at his happy, expectant face. I do really love him, and we have been going out for ages.
“We’ll still be us right?” she asked finally. “We’re not going to turn into The Jones’, Number 5 White Pickett Fence Drive?”
Merlin laughed, getting up and wrapping her in a hug. “You worry about the silliest things sometimes Morgana. Of course we’ll still be us.”
“Then.” she said, “Let’s do it.”
***
A couple of weeks later, Morgana, Arthur, Merlin and Gwaine were helping Merlin move his things into Morgana’s apartment.
That night, Merlin looked around the apartment, now filled equally with furniture and knick knacks from the both of them, smiled and, without warning, picked her up and carried her squealing and laughing to the bedroom.
Morgana’s fears about her own ability to compromise her life with someone and become A Couple were assuaged by the first few months of living together. Merlin was a dream to live with; he cooked and cleaned without complaint and Morgana was soon wondering why she had been so afraid of living with someone that she’d never even taken a housemate before, when Merlin’s presence so drastically improved her living conditions and her diet. Even Arthur was soon commenting that she’d never looked better.
Morgana had never before watched much television; until Merlin moved in she didn’t even own one, having always preferred to read books. But now that Merlin had moved in bringing his set with him, television was an opportunity to snuggle together and top each other’s sarcastic witticisms over the performances of the contestants of the X Factor. As a result, Morgana was better able to socialise with people at the office than she ever had before, and even made a new friend, a girl called Mithian who attracted Morgana because she liked hunting despite looking like a model from a magazine cover.
She’d been worried as well about whether living together would make Merlin complacent in their activities, as she hated being at home all the time, and hoped she wasn’t swapping weekends at the art gallery for weekends in front of an X Box. She had nothing to fear on this front either however - Merlin still woke up on Saturdays and announced they were going to the circus or for a drive through the country so she was satisfied on that account as well.
So, for awhile, Morgana forgot her fears about what would happen to them if they moved in together and settled down and enjoyed the increased time in Merlin’s company.
After a few months however, Morgana soon discovered that living with Merlin wasn’t all sunshine and roses.
If she stayed late out at meetings of Socialist Alternative and didn’t call to tell him, Merlin would get annoyed. If she ate out with her friends and arrived home to find dinner on the table Merlin would demand to know why she didn’t tell him what her plans were and save him the trouble of cooking. If she stayed out for too many nights in a row, Merlin would be hurt that she didn’t want to spend more time with him.
All of these were perfectly natural and understandable responses she knew. But she couldn’t help but be annoyed that she now had to account for everything she was doing or wanted to do to someone else.
But Merlin continued to listen to all her whining about the girls at work with genuine interest, make her laugh over his own work stories in return and to cook her dinner with painstaking care every night, and so she shelved these little grievances at being in a committed relationship as best she could and never mentioned them to anybody.
***
Morgana had never really appreciated how different she and Merlin were until they started to live together. Until then she had been living in the blissful fantasy that since they were both involved in social services (him through his work and her through Socialist Alternative, though it always annoyed Merlin when Morgana referred to the work they did as being a social service) and both voted left politically that they were the same.
But they weren’t. The first she noticed it was when they were out shopping one day, and passed by a pet store. Merlin immediately ran to the window like a small child and Morgana laughed at his excitement. She wandered over in her own time and looked at the kittens in the top right window playing with a toy mouse on a string.
“I love cats,” she said, putting a finger on the glass. “I think if I was to be an animal I would be a cat. They’re so smart and independent and pretty.”
She turned to Merlin expecting him to tease her about admitting she thought she was pretty but he wasn’t paying attention. Instead he was crouched down looking at the Boxer puppies in the bottom left hand window of the shop.
“Merlin?” she asked.
“Hmm?” he replied, only half listening. “Oh cats, yeah I hate them.”
“Hey Morgana,” he said straightening up, his face lit up. “Let’s get a puppy.”
“What?” she said.
“Yeah! I know we live in an apartment but we could get a breed that doesn’t mind that kind of thing. I know they’re big, but I hear Neapolitan Mastiffs are kept in apartments in Europe cause they don’t need much walking.”
“But,” she said, stalling for time. “There’s no way my landlord will let us get a dog.”
“Maybe we could get one when we live somewhere else. Somewhere with a yard.”
“Wait a minute, that’s moving way too fast. We haven’t been living together in our current place all that long.”
“I don’t mean right now of course,” he said. “I mean in the future. I’ve always wanted a dog, maybe when the lease is up or something.”
It made Morgana uncomfortable to think about planning her life with Merlin so far in the future, so she brought up the other issue.
“I hate dogs,” she said.
“What?” he asked.
“I don’t want a puppy,” she said.
He looked at her incredulously. “Are you serious?” He asked, as though he couldn’t believe in anyone in their right mind wouldn’t want a puppy.
“Yes,” she said. “Why is that so hard to believe?”
“Well just......I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like dogs before.”
“They’re too dependent.” she said, wrinkling her nose at the thought. “You have to do everything for them. Cats can look after themselves, you only need to feed them and they come to you when they want affection. Dogs you have to bathe them, walk them, wash them and pick up after them as well. You may as well have a kid. And in return they just slobber and jump on you.”
“Dogs love you unconditionally,” Merlin retorted. “Cats only love themselves.”
“Cats are misunderstood!” she said raising her voice now. “They aren’t selfish they’re just independent! And anyway, dogs are too much work. I don’t want to live with something that I have to look after!”
Merlin looked a little surprised at her outburst.
“Alright,” he said defensively. “We won’t get a dog.”
But he seemed annoyed for the rest of the afternoon and so was she.
***
Cats and dogs soon weren’t the only things they were fighting about.
Merlin began to complain that Morgana never did any housework. Morgana thought it was Merlin’s problem; she had never given two shits about what her apartment looked like before he moved into it, and if her standard of living wasn’t up to his, well that was his problem.
“I wouldn’t care if it was that you didn’t do as much as me,” he explained one day. “But you leave it all to me.”
“I don’t leave it all to you. I do do some housework. I do all the washing I’ve noticed.”
“Yes,” he said, exasperated. “And I do all the cooking and make the bed and take the rubbish out and clean the shower and the toilet and I’m the only one who stacks or empties the dishwasher.”
“I did those things before you moved in you know,” she snapped back. “It just takes me a lot longer than you before I think it has to be done and you hate that. It’s your problem.”
“Cause it’s meant to be about compromise Morgana. We’re meant to change our habits now that we live together for each other. Like, I’ve had to step up the amount of housework I do for you. Can’t you do the same for me, and maybe get moving on a few chores earlier cause you know it annoys me?”
She knew he was right but it still chafed at her in a fundamental way that she should have to change any of herself for another person.
So she said non-commitally that she would try and he looked at her like he knew how she really felt and shook his head and walked away.
It wasn’t only Merlin with issues however. Morgana tried to explain to him that she thought he called her too often.
“What do you mean?” he asked, eating a bowl of spaghetti (that he’d cooked himself).
“You call me every day,” she said.
“Right.”
“Well, that’s a bit much for me. I’m always wondering when you’re going to call me, it’s annoying. And you always interrupt whatever I’m doing when you do.”
“Morgana, I don’t see you every day. You go out a lot. I want to talk to you. Is that alright?”
Morgana knew what he was alluding to. Several weeks earlier she had told him that although she appreciated that he continued the effort of taking her out each weekend even after they were living together, she now felt worried that she was spending too much time with him and he had relented, though not without a deeply hurt look and a day of awkward silence.
Morgana couldn’t see any way of his question without making it seem like she didn’t want to talk to him as often, which wasn’t necessarily true. She did still love talking to him; easy-flowing conversation had always been a strength of their relationship. She just hated the feeling of being at someone’s beck and call that taking constant phone calls gave her.
She knew from conversations with Gwen that Merlin didn’t call her as often as Gwen at least would consider clingy.
Feeling trapped between the possibility of hurting Merlin’s feelings and the knowledge that her friends didn’t agree with her she relented and agreed that one phone call a day wasn’t too much.
***
When Morgana and Merlin had first begun dating, she literally had eyes only for him. She was utterly captivated by his beautiful bone structure, deep blue eyes, gorgeous mouth and above all by his colouring; she loved the contrast between his jet black hair and pale skin. Other men held no appeal for her - she couldn’t even look at them, and for the first few months every spare minute she had was a minute she was teasing Merlin in a lacy bra.
But after almost a year of living together, Morgana had begun to realise that hidden truth of monogamous society; sex with one person, no matter how attractive or good in bed, soon becomes boring.
Worse, she wasn’t at all sure it was an issue she could bring up with Merlin. She had never tried anything kinky before, and though it was the only new thing she could think of to do with him, she knew he would never be open to trying it.
Resentful and secretive, Morgana began refusing him when he started rubbing his hands suggestively over her stomach, excusing her lower libido with headaches and tiredness.
***
Merlin came home one day to announce that they were going out to dinner - he’d got a promotion filling in for someone in the management of his local branch who was away on maternity leave, and best of all, if he performed well, another similar position could be opening up in another branch soon.
Morgana was genuinely happy for him; Merlin was hard-working and cared deeply for his charges and she knew he deserved this promotion.
She offered to pay for dinner, which he accepted with a kiss and that night was one of the best they’d had as a couple in a long time.
As Merlin moved up the ranks at work, his hours became increasingly erratic, and he and had less and less time to call her, but rather than missing him, Morgana felt freer, unrestricted in her daily activities by having to stop and answer the phone all the time.
So happy was she by the increased time to herself that Merlin picked up on her good mood. Becoming more cheerful himself as a result, he threw himself into their relationship harder, becoming more attentive during sex and buying her little gifts again like he used to, which only Morgana happier. They began sleeping together more, and Morgana even felt contended enough to cook dinner a couple of times, which made Merlin even more pleased.
If the fact that the growing rift in their relationship seemed to be healed by increased time apart should have acted as a warning sign to Morgana, than it was one that went unheeded; she floated on cloud nine for a number of weeks until the incident of the rally.
“I’m working on Saturday morning this weekend,” he said one morning over coffee.
“Mmm,” she responded, only half listening. Merlin had a tendency to begin conversation with statements of fact like this that she couldn’t add anything to, only acknowledge; she tended to tune him out until he said something of interest.
“I was wondering if you could come with me.”
“What, to your work?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “We’re having a volunteer thing, and I know how passionate you are about helping the helping the people I work with so I thought you might come. We could spend some time together, we’ve both been really busy lately,” He finished with a smile.
“Ok,” she agreed.
“Alright,” he said, smile broadening. “We can stay in Friday night as well.”
She hated the way he did this, writing off her Friday night when she had only agreed to spend Saturday with him; it was another way, along with the daily phone calls, that he made his presence in her life inescapable that she hated.
Then she realised that she annoyed that her boyfriend wanted to spend time with her because he loved her, and squashed the feelings down as far as they would go.
“Sounds good,” she said. “Yumcha’s?”
He smiled again in response and kissed her as he rinsed his coffee cup, and Morgana reminded herself that they always had fun at Yumcha’s.
***
That Friday however, Morgana realised that she had double-booked herself; Saturday was the day of the pro-choice rally she and a new recruit named Morgause had organised.
She told Merlin she wouldn’t be able to go over dinner that night.
“Can’t you just not go?” he asked incredulously.
“No way! It’s important and I helped organised it!”
“Yeah, together with four other people. There’ll be hundreds of people there Morgana you won’t be missed. You promised me since Monday you’d come help out at work tomorrow.”
“I know but I forgot.”
“Fine,” he said through gritted teeth. “Another time then.”
Then she remembered something else she needed to ask him.
“Merlin?” she asked. “Could you drive me there on the way to your work in the morning?”
He gaped at her for almost a full thirty seconds, before closing his mouth, looking down at his food and saying “sure, no problem.”
***
Merlin’s hands were gripping the wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.
“What is it?” She asked him “Something’s on your mind I know it is, you’re doing that stupid pout-y thing,” she said, deliberately goading him when he didn’t answer.
His eyes narrowed as expected, and he muttered as though wrenched from him “If you really wanted to help society, you’d be at the shelter with me, instead of making me drive you to this stupid rally”
“This rally is helping Merlin. This stupid rally is what gets the people thinking, it’s things like this stupid rally that get the media attention that forces policy change! You help individual people Merlin, this is about changing the whole system.”
“It’s not about changing the system!” he seethed. “They don’t change the system! The people that turn up to them are wasting their time. If all these people were really eager to help, they’d be at a shelter, there isn’t one in the country that doesn’t need the help. That is changing society.”
“Not eager to help? What, cause you think the rallies don’t help, everyone is wasting their time?”
“They are wasting their time,” he said.
“So I’m wasting my time! Thanks for supporting me!”
“I am supporting you! I’m driving you here aren’t I? That’s what you’re really pissed about Morgana, that I don’t agree with you this time! I’ve always listened to you talk about SA, and supported the work you do with them - I don’t agree with you this one fucking time, cause you could be doing more useful with me instead of blowing me off again - and you’re fucking cut that I disagree with you once! Well so what that I think that?! But you know why that rips you up? Cause I’m not giving you all this praise for being so fucking special for coming here”
“I am not looking for fucking - praise or attention with these things-“
“Yes you are,” he said, stopping for a red light. “It’s about you being seen to do something, even if it’s a useless rally that won’t change anything, cause that makes you special and not like those other rich white girls you hate.”
She opened the car door and walked the rest of the way to the rally, ignoring his pleas to stop and shouted regrets and apologies.
***
She was still angry with Merlin that night, so she took Morgause up on her offer and stayed at her house instead of going home. To her surprised, she enjoyed herself immensely; Morguase had just broken up with a man named Cenred, and she and Morgana had fun roundly abusing men in general, and then heading out into town on a whim.
When she got home the next day, there was a vase of flowers with a note attached that read “sorry”, and the empty DVD case of Casablanca but no sign of Merlin. She fingered the flowers idly while she called him.
“Hi,” he said, sounding appropriately contrite.
“Hey,” she said. “Where are you?”
“Are you at home?”
“Yeah,” she said. “You at work?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “I’ll come home now.”
They made it up when she returned, but from then on, Morgana began spending more and more time with Morgause.
Unlike before the rally, where Merlin would beg her to stay home more often, or berate her for not calling to let him know her plans, Merlin accepted this with a kind of quiet strain. He seemed to be begging her silently to relinquish the extra time away, but Morgana couldn’t find it inside herself to care even though she knew she should.
Through Morgause, they recruited an engaging young man named Mordred, and through him an older man named Alvarr, with whom Morgana got along famously while his blonde girlfriend watched jealously from the corner.
Morgana had previously asked Merlin to stop taking her out on weekends, and now, she hardly saw him on the weekend at all. Weekends were for Morgause and Mordred and when she got home, she would open the door to find Merlin waiting for her on the couch, head on one fist and a cold bowl of dinner in the other.
She never said anything, and neither did he, but the increasing strain between them made going home even less attractive; she began calling her friends even while she was there to get away from him and their unspoken issues.
Eventually, Morgause asked Morgana on a three day trip to the countryside with herself and a woman she hadn’t met named Nimueh.
To her surprise, when she told Merlin about it, he put his foot down.
“No,” he said quietly, running plates under the tap ready to be put in the dishwasher.
“Sorry?”
He turned the tap off, and spun around to face her squarely. “No. You can’t go. You have to.....we need to work on us.”
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.
“Morgana,” he repeated. “You go away too often. You need to stay so we can work on us.”
Morgana knew she was being handed something like an ultimatum. That this decision was about more than just the trip, that she was risking everything if she chose to go, instead of to remain here and discuss the problems she’d been running from.
She knew that.
She went anyway.
***
Morgana didn’t really enjoy the trip - she was too agitated. She couldn’t stop thinking about Merlin’s face as she left or what would happen when she returned.
On the second night, Morgause produced a bottle of champage and a packet of cigars and asked “what’s wrong?” while Nimueh excused herself for a walk.
Unable to hold back, Morgana told her everything that had been happening between herself and Merlin over the past few weeks, and his request that she stay and fix their relationship instead of going on this trip, and how she had known there would be huge consequences, but had chosen to come anyway.
“Sounds to me,” Morgause said, pouring them a glass. “That you wanted those consequences.”
Morgana felt a little hole opening up inside her; part darkness, part hope it yawned larger and larger and to avoid looking at it she said “but I love him.”
“Mmmm.” Morgause said. “Why?”
“He’s...he’s a really good person.”
“Tell me about him.”
So Morgana did - everything from how she’d impressed by his unselfish and unorthodox goals in life, how he was hard-working and dedicated enough to achieve them, how he loved her and always made her a priority.
“He sounds nice,” Morgause said. “So why are you having problems?”
Morgana didn’t speak; she was too busy fighting back tears.
She knew why.
Because when she had first met him, she had thought his do-what-I-believe-in-and-want-and-everyone-be-damned attitude made him like her. That he wanted to Go Out but he didn’t want to be A Couple.
But he did.
Far from not wanting to become a settled couple as she had thought, his dedication to taking her out every weekend was his way of fully committing to that ideal.
His sincere love of vintage films was not the results of a passing indie phase but a genuine love for the homely ideals of a world gone by. His desire to be a stay-at-home dad, far from challenging traditional values, was his way of subscribing to them.
She thought of his promise to her, when she had agreed to let him move in; We’ll still be us.
But that was the trouble, Morgana realised. They had been nothing but themselves, the whole time. She had just never really seen him before.
When she returned to Camelot, she told him it was over.
***
Morgause helped her and Merlin move his belongings out of his apartment, whilst Merlin glared angrily at her the entire time.
“Merlin,” Morgana hissed, the moment they were alone in the kitchen while Morgause loaded the last few boxes into the back of the car. “She’s doing us a favour, must you?”
Morgana expected an angry response along the lines of “she’s doing you a favour” but instead Merlin turned to her, eyes full of tears pushed past her into the hallway, and Morgana politely pretended she did not know he was going into the bathroom to cry.
“Alright?” Morgause asked, appearing in the kitchen a minute later.
“Fine,” Morgana responded, quickly wiping her face on her sleeve. “I’m fine.”
***
She was not fine, not for several months. Despite being the one to end the relationship, and standing by her decision to do it, Morgana did not yet know how to live a life without Merlin, when he had come to fill up almost every part of it.
She swore to herself she would not be one of those girls who gave in to temptation and slept with their ex a number of times before moving on; she and Merlin would be a clean break, with no more contact between them.
Yet several times in the week after their break up she picked up the phone while at work to let Merlin know she was coming home, only to realise what she was doing and throw the phone against the wall.
She worried about how her break-up with Merlin would affect her relationship with Arthur and Gwen; for all that he wouldn’t admit it, she knew Merlin was basically Arthur’s best friend these days, and he’d got along famously with Gwen even before she began dating Arthur.
But Arthur and Gwen said that they understood; some things just didn’t work out and it wasn’t like either one had completely screwed the other over or anything.
Still, despite only being invited to their new flat when Merlin would not be around, Morgana felt strange to be around them; she felt that in shedding Merlin she had shed something of her old life too, and she began to spend less time with Arthur and Gwen and more time with Morgause and Mordred.
Cutting Arthur and Gwen out didn’t make moving on from Merlin any easier however. She felt happier, freer without the restrictions of having to weigh how her every action affected Merlin; at the same time, she felt lonely without him.
ldquo;Why?” She asked Morgause one night two weeks later, when seeing a rerun of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers in the TV Guide moved her almost to tears. “I ended it with him. I’m happy I did it. We weren’t going anywhere.”
“I know,” Morgause responded. “But it doesn’t mean you’re unhappy without him. It’s only that Merlin was a huge part of your life, and even though your relationship was problematic, you still loved him once and you can’t ever see him again”
“It’s grief my love,” she continued, stroking Morgana’s hair as the tears fell for real. “That’s all it is.”
Unable to resist seeking an old, familiar comfort in a life that had become drastically different to the one she lived before, Morgana called Merlin a week later.
“Merlin,” She said after he answered. “I know this is....strange, and don’t read too much into it, I’m not...look, do you want a get a coffee or something? Just as friends. That’s all. It’s just......I miss you a bit. Not in that way, just....miss talking to you a little.”
She waited for almost a full minute as Merlin breathed heavily down the line.
“No,” he said finally. “No, I don’t think I want to.”
***
That was the last time they spoke. Morgana continued to lean heavily on Morgause for company every time she looked around her apartment felt the absence of a blinding grin; but these nights became less and less frequent, as the feelings of confusion and loneliness left by abrupt change gave way to a sense of excitement and wonder at the new opportunities her break-up afforded her.
She went out without having to worry about if Merlin would be at home alone; she stayed late at SA meetings and organised rallies without worrying if it made it her look hypocritical; she said yes to every invitation and revelled in the freedom of it.
She organised what she wanted, when she wanted, and marvelled that she had ever thought domestic life something that would ever suit her.
“I don’t know if I’m selfish,” she said to Morgause over coffee one day “but I just don’t ever want another relationship again.”
“I understand,” Morgause said. “I could never really see you in one of those mainstream fairytale romances anyway”
***
Two years later, she met him again, and in a perfect reflection of their first meeting, it was at another of Arthur’s parties; this time his engagement party to Gwen.
Morgana didn’t really see much of Arthur and Gwen these days beyond what was polite for brother and sister; there was no animosity between them, and he’d never held her break up with Merlin against her, but they were different people. She wasn’t offended therefore that she was not one of Gwen’s bridesmaids, nor was she surprised to see Merlin sitting in a position at the head table that indicated his role as Arthur’s best man.
She didn’t feel anything in particular when she looked at him for the first time since she’d broken up with him two years earlier; that ship had long since sailed, the wounds it left behind long since healed.
Morgana stopped a man with short blonde hair and large muscular arms passing by with a bottle of champagne in one hand - I really have to spend more time with Arthur she thought I don’t even know this guy - asked if she could borrow his champagne and poured herself a glass as Arthur called for quiet so he could make a speech.
It was long, and mostly praise for Gwen’s virtues during which Gwen stared soppily at him and Merlin smiled at them both. Morgana waited politely until it was over, and then stepped out onto the balcony. After awhile the blonde guy with the arms came out too looking for Gwaine; he was still holding the champagne, and she relieved him of it thinking that she might leave once the bottle was finished - the party was nice, but not really her scene.
After he had been gone ten minutes, the balcony doors opened again, this time admitting the person that had occupied half her thoughts for the night; Merlin.
“Hey,” he said spotting her and walking over to sit down.
“Hi,” She replied.
“Going to stay till you’ve finished the bottle?” He grinned, nodding at the champagne.
“That was pretty much the plan.”
He laughed. “You must hate this.”
“I don’t hate it.”
He laughed again.
“So how’ve you been?” he asked.
“Good,” she replied honestly. She had become a full time employee of SA, General Secretary of the whole English branch; it was admin work, but she still felt a useful part of something bigger and it was the first step toward president anyway.
“SA’s got 100 new members this year.”
“That’s great,” he said genuinely and Morgana felt a rush of warmth for him; however she had chafed at being in a relationship, he was truly a good person.
“What about you?” she asked. “How’s your life?”
“It’s good,” he said, a big smile creeping slowly across his features. “I’m getting married.”
“What?” she laughed. “I thought that was Arthur!”
He chuckled. “Yeah some people said it was too soon -” I bet it was Morgana thought. I bet you proposed after two months or something. “- but I dunno, it felt right.”
“Good for you Merlin,” she said and meant it. With his dream job and now his dream life raising a family, she knew he was probably on cloud nine right now, and she felt genuinely happy for him.
“Good on you showing them that you don’t have to subscribe to some pre-ordained timeline of what a relationship is. Just do what you feel is right.”
“And damn the consequences,” he smiled back at her. “Yeah, I finally got that with her.”
She took a swig of champagne.
“Do you have someone?” he asked quietly.
“No,” she answered.
“You must love that,” he said a little sadly.
“Yeah,” she said. “I do.”
“I’m glad,” he smiled.
“Do you want to meet Freya?” he asked after a couple of minutes of reflective silence.
“Sure,” she said.
He led her inside to a table where a small dark haired woman was eating a prawn cocktail and talking to Leon. Morgana could tell as soon as look at her that this woman was the domestic goddess she was not; that she liked dogs and hated cats and always called when she was late.
“Freya,” Merlin said. “This is Morgana.”
“Hi,” she said shyly, but a little defensively too; Morgana was as warm to her as she possibly could be, to assure her she had nothing to worry about and Freya seemed to ease after a couple of minutes.
Morgana soon discovered Freya to be as interesting as she had thought Merlin when she first met him; she worked as a special education teacher at a school for children with Downs’ Syndrome and talked with clear passion about the need for extra government funding for schools like hers while Merlin beamed with pride beside her.
Morgana watched the two of them together as they began to talk about the need for government funding in all social services and then the latest particular grievances of Merlin’s job. They were clearly happy together; she felt happy for them.
After a few minutes however when the talk between Merlin and Freya turned inward, Morgana began to feel a little bored. Eventually with a “good to see you again” to Merlin, she excused herself and went to find Arthur so she could leave.
“Ah,” he said knowingly when she announced her intention to go. “You know, you broke up with him Morgana.”
He thought she was jealous about Merlin. Morgana weighed the costs and benefits of arguing with him, but decided against it and just left.
Reflecting on it later at home, she could understand why he thought that. Merlin and Freya were two obviously wonderful people, either of whom Morgana would be happy to consider a friend. Their relationship was good and healthy and clearly something to be envied.
Pre-Merlin, she might have thought that enough to overcome her stubbornly independent nature, and take chance on a good man and some amazing chemistry, and hope that it could change her into someone she wasn't.
But she was older, and she knew herself now; she might die a spinster or she might not, but either way, she would never have what Merlin and Freya had together. She had had the opportunity and she had turned it down.
She was just never one for fairytales, or romantic comedies
Rating PG
Word Count: 7512
Warnings Angst. No seriously.
Spoilers None
Summary: "Morgana did not believe in love at first sight; she hated fairytales as a rule. But she was prepared, in her much more scientific way, to admit to the existence of an instant chemistry and this one smacked her like a blow to the head."
She met him at Arthur’s birthday party.
She’d heard about him before then - Arthur’s funny new friend, his room-mate with whom, despite sharing little in common, he’d managed to build a rapport.
“Morgana,” he said, dragging her over. “This is Merlin.”
“Hi,” he said with a smile.
Morgana did not believe in love at first sight; she hated fairytales and as a rule. But she was prepared, in her much more scientific way, to admit to the existence of an instant chemistry and this one smacked her like a blow to the head.
His eyes were beautiful, his cheekbones stunning, his dimple adorable and his mouth, she couldn’t help but notice, suggestive of many more uses than just eating.
Never one to stare or lose her cool however, Morgana asked: “So what do you study Merlin?”
“Social work,” he said. “I want to be a youth worker”
“Really?” Morgana asked, pleasantly surprised. She had always romanticised such work, and was much given to attending protest marches against tax cuts that benefited the hated upper class, against which she held up an idealised view of a victimised poor.
“Yeah,” he replied, smiling. “I want to help people.”
She smiled broadly back.
***
Three hours of continuous and passionate conversation later, and Morgana was back up against the toilet door, moaning into Merlin’s hot mouth.
“Do you have anything?” she asked breathlessly, gasping a little when he stepped away from her completely.
“Morgana,” he panted, face red and pants straining. “Maybe we should wait.”
“Wait?” she wasn’t a delicate flower.
“Yeah,” he said breathlessly. “You know, swap numbers and all that first. Besides,” he continued with a smile, “it gives me the chance to see you again.”
She was never one for romance, for fairytales or romantic comedies. But her heart melted at that, at his unabashed cheesiness, gorgeous smile and total sincerity.
“Sure,” she said, surprising herself with her own quiet tone, no trace of challenge or display. “I’d love to.”
They swapped numbers and when she got a text barely ten minutes after leaving the party, arranging a meeting for the following day, she smiled to herself.
***
They met at a local café, nothing special - Morgana’s distaste at the triteness of meeting for a date in a café overridden by her excitement to see him.
They smiled awkwardly at one another, each determined not to let their nerves and excitement show, and quickly struck up a conversation to cover the charged atmosphere. Morgana was surprised by how easily conversation flowed without stopping after they had already talked for three hours the night before. She discovered he liked vintage films, had an eclectic taste in music (“I like everything really”) and had wanted to be a youth worker ever since volunteering at a homeless shelter for school at fifteen. Morgana was charmed by the way he freely admitted that before this his aspiration had been to be a stay-at-home dad.
“It seems nice to me,” he said with another blinding smile. “I dunno, I wouldn’t want to feel like a servant or anything, but I like the idea of looking after the kids.”
“Perfectly suited to your degree then,” Morgana teased.
“Yeah, bit manlier to do it for someone else’s kids isn’t it?”
But Morgana liked that he didn’t care about what everyone else thought and told him so.
Merlin blushed but seemed pleased and conversation flowed on to Morgana and her life. She told him about her day job as a receptionist for the local MP, but that her real passion was the volunteer work she did with the organisation Socialist Alternative.
Arthur teased her relentlessly about SA, but Merlin listened with genuine interest while she expanded on all the work they did until the waitress interrupted to deliver their order.
The date, all in all, was a success, and if Merlin refusing to go back to Morgana’s apartment pending further dates was not what Morgana needed or wanted, well, she was happy to overlook that in the face of his brilliant smile at her promise to see him again.
***
After that, it was like a dream. He took her next to the movies, then on a picnic and finally, after a dinner at an upmarket restaurant, they went back to her apartment. Giggling, she called her friends and cancelled all her plans; they stayed in bed all weekend and made love over and over.
He began to spend the night more and more often at her apartment. Morgana, not yet ready to share her personal business with Arthur (with whom she had a somewhat fractious relationship) did not go back to his.
Merlin was, in a truly impressive display of masculinity, completely unconcerned about Arthur’s possible reaction to the news that his flatmate was dating his sister. In fact he seemed more ready to commit to their relationship than Morgana - within weeks she was meeting his mother, a nice, gentle woman with a house that smelled like cinnamon. Morgana was nervous about the pace, but flattered and impressed nonetheless.
Increasingly, Morgana found herself spending her nights with Merlin - making love and talking, not just about the events of her life, but her hopes and dreams, her failures and regrets, her opinions on people and politics. Merlin was a very good listener - he drank in everything she said with a gentle smile on his face.
Merlin always made sure to have something lined up for the two of them on weekend, whether it was going to the theatre or simply to a school fete to buy up on homemade cakes; he was careful that their relationship should never become stagnant by “settling down” and spending the entirety of the two days in bed. Morgana was pleased beyond words to have found someone as against Settling In and becoming A Couple as she was. She had never been one for fairytales or romantic comedies.
Soon however, Merlin began to organise more outings as part of a group; she met his friend Will, then his friend Lance, and taking the hint, she agreed that they should tell their mutual friends Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine and Leon about themselves, even though she wasn’t yet sure if she was ready.
But it couldn’t have gone more smoothly. Arthur was a little shocked at first, but after Morgana’s “Oh come on Arthur, it’s not like he’s your ex or anything,” gruffly agreed that he was pleased that they were happy. Gwen, squealed and cooed over them, and Gwaine asked if it was time for a drink.
“See?” Merlin told her happily later that night. “It was fine Morgana.”
Morgana gazed happily at his smiling face and wondered if everything he touched would turn to gold.
***
They had been going out for six months when it happened - Merlin had seemed to instinctively know to wait, for which Morgana was grateful.
She had never been one for fairytales or romantic comedies, and wasn’t sure how she might’ve taken it had it come sooner. But as it was, all she felt was happiness.
They were cuddling on the couch at Merlin and Arthur’s apartment (Arthur was out), watching one of Merlin’s favourite vintage film The Swarm, when the film ended and Merlin flicked the channel onto Luther. Morgana cried out “Oh I love this show!” and Merlin responded “I love you.”
There was something of a ringing silence; Merlin bowed his head and grinned at the floor, as though he was cheekily waiting to be punished for his tenacity in sneaking in such a statement into a casual conversation.
It was such a touching sight that Morgana felt a rush of warmth all over.
“I love you too,” she said.
Merlin looked up, and Morgana smiled and kissed him.
***
The one downside to all their friends knowing about them was that now they were expected to turn up to everything as a couple.
Merlin seemed perfectly happy with it, but it bothered Morgana that she never got any invitations of her own anymore - instead, everything was addressed to “Morgana and Merlin”, even text messages.
Morgana tried to explain to Merlin how it made her feel constricted, but Merlin only smiled his goofy grin and said, “don’t worry, everything I get is ‘Morgana and Merlin’ too, even though my friends only met you a few months ago. You’d think it’d be ‘Merlin and Morgana’ from Will at least. So at least you know you wear the pants in the relationship.”
Morgana laughed and felt a bit better, so she didn’t mention it again.
***
Then came the day Merlin graduated his course in social work. Morgana had never felt prouder of him, applauding hard as she watched him collect his diploma. He was going to make a real difference in the world; he already had a job lined up at a youth shelter with someone named Lance that he’d met on one of his pracs.
But the day was significant, not for what happened at his graduation, but for what occurred afterward. Sitting in a pub with Gwen watching Merlin roundly defeat Arthur and Leon at darts, Morgana was completely unsurprised for his drunken celebratory embrace, the kiss planted wetly on her cheek, or his whispered, “we should move in together.” She laughed awkwardly in response and plied him off onto Leon and Gwaine, and Merlin, not seeming to realise the impact of his words, went happily to the snooker table.
The following morning Morgana expected Merlin to retract to his words, or even to forget them - after all, they had all been very drunk. But to her surprise, he repeated them, with more sincerity than they’d had the night before.
“I really love you Morgana,” he said. “We’ve been going out for ages and now that I can get a real job I can start helping you out. We can pool our money together, maybe save for a holiday or something.”
Morgana felt uncomfortable at the image of domestic bliss his words conjured up; after all, she had never been one for fairytales, or romantic comedies. She was not sure that sharing such a life with a man had ever been something she had ever really wanted; her mother had called her selfish for it, but she had never liked having to compromise for others.
But he’s right she thought, looking at his happy, expectant face. I do really love him, and we have been going out for ages.
“We’ll still be us right?” she asked finally. “We’re not going to turn into The Jones’, Number 5 White Pickett Fence Drive?”
Merlin laughed, getting up and wrapping her in a hug. “You worry about the silliest things sometimes Morgana. Of course we’ll still be us.”
“Then.” she said, “Let’s do it.”
***
A couple of weeks later, Morgana, Arthur, Merlin and Gwaine were helping Merlin move his things into Morgana’s apartment.
That night, Merlin looked around the apartment, now filled equally with furniture and knick knacks from the both of them, smiled and, without warning, picked her up and carried her squealing and laughing to the bedroom.
Morgana’s fears about her own ability to compromise her life with someone and become A Couple were assuaged by the first few months of living together. Merlin was a dream to live with; he cooked and cleaned without complaint and Morgana was soon wondering why she had been so afraid of living with someone that she’d never even taken a housemate before, when Merlin’s presence so drastically improved her living conditions and her diet. Even Arthur was soon commenting that she’d never looked better.
Morgana had never before watched much television; until Merlin moved in she didn’t even own one, having always preferred to read books. But now that Merlin had moved in bringing his set with him, television was an opportunity to snuggle together and top each other’s sarcastic witticisms over the performances of the contestants of the X Factor. As a result, Morgana was better able to socialise with people at the office than she ever had before, and even made a new friend, a girl called Mithian who attracted Morgana because she liked hunting despite looking like a model from a magazine cover.
She’d been worried as well about whether living together would make Merlin complacent in their activities, as she hated being at home all the time, and hoped she wasn’t swapping weekends at the art gallery for weekends in front of an X Box. She had nothing to fear on this front either however - Merlin still woke up on Saturdays and announced they were going to the circus or for a drive through the country so she was satisfied on that account as well.
So, for awhile, Morgana forgot her fears about what would happen to them if they moved in together and settled down and enjoyed the increased time in Merlin’s company.
After a few months however, Morgana soon discovered that living with Merlin wasn’t all sunshine and roses.
If she stayed late out at meetings of Socialist Alternative and didn’t call to tell him, Merlin would get annoyed. If she ate out with her friends and arrived home to find dinner on the table Merlin would demand to know why she didn’t tell him what her plans were and save him the trouble of cooking. If she stayed out for too many nights in a row, Merlin would be hurt that she didn’t want to spend more time with him.
All of these were perfectly natural and understandable responses she knew. But she couldn’t help but be annoyed that she now had to account for everything she was doing or wanted to do to someone else.
But Merlin continued to listen to all her whining about the girls at work with genuine interest, make her laugh over his own work stories in return and to cook her dinner with painstaking care every night, and so she shelved these little grievances at being in a committed relationship as best she could and never mentioned them to anybody.
***
Morgana had never really appreciated how different she and Merlin were until they started to live together. Until then she had been living in the blissful fantasy that since they were both involved in social services (him through his work and her through Socialist Alternative, though it always annoyed Merlin when Morgana referred to the work they did as being a social service) and both voted left politically that they were the same.
But they weren’t. The first she noticed it was when they were out shopping one day, and passed by a pet store. Merlin immediately ran to the window like a small child and Morgana laughed at his excitement. She wandered over in her own time and looked at the kittens in the top right window playing with a toy mouse on a string.
“I love cats,” she said, putting a finger on the glass. “I think if I was to be an animal I would be a cat. They’re so smart and independent and pretty.”
She turned to Merlin expecting him to tease her about admitting she thought she was pretty but he wasn’t paying attention. Instead he was crouched down looking at the Boxer puppies in the bottom left hand window of the shop.
“Merlin?” she asked.
“Hmm?” he replied, only half listening. “Oh cats, yeah I hate them.”
“Hey Morgana,” he said straightening up, his face lit up. “Let’s get a puppy.”
“What?” she said.
“Yeah! I know we live in an apartment but we could get a breed that doesn’t mind that kind of thing. I know they’re big, but I hear Neapolitan Mastiffs are kept in apartments in Europe cause they don’t need much walking.”
“But,” she said, stalling for time. “There’s no way my landlord will let us get a dog.”
“Maybe we could get one when we live somewhere else. Somewhere with a yard.”
“Wait a minute, that’s moving way too fast. We haven’t been living together in our current place all that long.”
“I don’t mean right now of course,” he said. “I mean in the future. I’ve always wanted a dog, maybe when the lease is up or something.”
It made Morgana uncomfortable to think about planning her life with Merlin so far in the future, so she brought up the other issue.
“I hate dogs,” she said.
“What?” he asked.
“I don’t want a puppy,” she said.
He looked at her incredulously. “Are you serious?” He asked, as though he couldn’t believe in anyone in their right mind wouldn’t want a puppy.
“Yes,” she said. “Why is that so hard to believe?”
“Well just......I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like dogs before.”
“They’re too dependent.” she said, wrinkling her nose at the thought. “You have to do everything for them. Cats can look after themselves, you only need to feed them and they come to you when they want affection. Dogs you have to bathe them, walk them, wash them and pick up after them as well. You may as well have a kid. And in return they just slobber and jump on you.”
“Dogs love you unconditionally,” Merlin retorted. “Cats only love themselves.”
“Cats are misunderstood!” she said raising her voice now. “They aren’t selfish they’re just independent! And anyway, dogs are too much work. I don’t want to live with something that I have to look after!”
Merlin looked a little surprised at her outburst.
“Alright,” he said defensively. “We won’t get a dog.”
But he seemed annoyed for the rest of the afternoon and so was she.
***
Cats and dogs soon weren’t the only things they were fighting about.
Merlin began to complain that Morgana never did any housework. Morgana thought it was Merlin’s problem; she had never given two shits about what her apartment looked like before he moved into it, and if her standard of living wasn’t up to his, well that was his problem.
“I wouldn’t care if it was that you didn’t do as much as me,” he explained one day. “But you leave it all to me.”
“I don’t leave it all to you. I do do some housework. I do all the washing I’ve noticed.”
“Yes,” he said, exasperated. “And I do all the cooking and make the bed and take the rubbish out and clean the shower and the toilet and I’m the only one who stacks or empties the dishwasher.”
“I did those things before you moved in you know,” she snapped back. “It just takes me a lot longer than you before I think it has to be done and you hate that. It’s your problem.”
“Cause it’s meant to be about compromise Morgana. We’re meant to change our habits now that we live together for each other. Like, I’ve had to step up the amount of housework I do for you. Can’t you do the same for me, and maybe get moving on a few chores earlier cause you know it annoys me?”
She knew he was right but it still chafed at her in a fundamental way that she should have to change any of herself for another person.
So she said non-commitally that she would try and he looked at her like he knew how she really felt and shook his head and walked away.
It wasn’t only Merlin with issues however. Morgana tried to explain to him that she thought he called her too often.
“What do you mean?” he asked, eating a bowl of spaghetti (that he’d cooked himself).
“You call me every day,” she said.
“Right.”
“Well, that’s a bit much for me. I’m always wondering when you’re going to call me, it’s annoying. And you always interrupt whatever I’m doing when you do.”
“Morgana, I don’t see you every day. You go out a lot. I want to talk to you. Is that alright?”
Morgana knew what he was alluding to. Several weeks earlier she had told him that although she appreciated that he continued the effort of taking her out each weekend even after they were living together, she now felt worried that she was spending too much time with him and he had relented, though not without a deeply hurt look and a day of awkward silence.
Morgana couldn’t see any way of his question without making it seem like she didn’t want to talk to him as often, which wasn’t necessarily true. She did still love talking to him; easy-flowing conversation had always been a strength of their relationship. She just hated the feeling of being at someone’s beck and call that taking constant phone calls gave her.
She knew from conversations with Gwen that Merlin didn’t call her as often as Gwen at least would consider clingy.
Feeling trapped between the possibility of hurting Merlin’s feelings and the knowledge that her friends didn’t agree with her she relented and agreed that one phone call a day wasn’t too much.
***
When Morgana and Merlin had first begun dating, she literally had eyes only for him. She was utterly captivated by his beautiful bone structure, deep blue eyes, gorgeous mouth and above all by his colouring; she loved the contrast between his jet black hair and pale skin. Other men held no appeal for her - she couldn’t even look at them, and for the first few months every spare minute she had was a minute she was teasing Merlin in a lacy bra.
But after almost a year of living together, Morgana had begun to realise that hidden truth of monogamous society; sex with one person, no matter how attractive or good in bed, soon becomes boring.
Worse, she wasn’t at all sure it was an issue she could bring up with Merlin. She had never tried anything kinky before, and though it was the only new thing she could think of to do with him, she knew he would never be open to trying it.
Resentful and secretive, Morgana began refusing him when he started rubbing his hands suggestively over her stomach, excusing her lower libido with headaches and tiredness.
***
Merlin came home one day to announce that they were going out to dinner - he’d got a promotion filling in for someone in the management of his local branch who was away on maternity leave, and best of all, if he performed well, another similar position could be opening up in another branch soon.
Morgana was genuinely happy for him; Merlin was hard-working and cared deeply for his charges and she knew he deserved this promotion.
She offered to pay for dinner, which he accepted with a kiss and that night was one of the best they’d had as a couple in a long time.
As Merlin moved up the ranks at work, his hours became increasingly erratic, and he and had less and less time to call her, but rather than missing him, Morgana felt freer, unrestricted in her daily activities by having to stop and answer the phone all the time.
So happy was she by the increased time to herself that Merlin picked up on her good mood. Becoming more cheerful himself as a result, he threw himself into their relationship harder, becoming more attentive during sex and buying her little gifts again like he used to, which only Morgana happier. They began sleeping together more, and Morgana even felt contended enough to cook dinner a couple of times, which made Merlin even more pleased.
If the fact that the growing rift in their relationship seemed to be healed by increased time apart should have acted as a warning sign to Morgana, than it was one that went unheeded; she floated on cloud nine for a number of weeks until the incident of the rally.
“I’m working on Saturday morning this weekend,” he said one morning over coffee.
“Mmm,” she responded, only half listening. Merlin had a tendency to begin conversation with statements of fact like this that she couldn’t add anything to, only acknowledge; she tended to tune him out until he said something of interest.
“I was wondering if you could come with me.”
“What, to your work?” she asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “We’re having a volunteer thing, and I know how passionate you are about helping the helping the people I work with so I thought you might come. We could spend some time together, we’ve both been really busy lately,” He finished with a smile.
“Ok,” she agreed.
“Alright,” he said, smile broadening. “We can stay in Friday night as well.”
She hated the way he did this, writing off her Friday night when she had only agreed to spend Saturday with him; it was another way, along with the daily phone calls, that he made his presence in her life inescapable that she hated.
Then she realised that she annoyed that her boyfriend wanted to spend time with her because he loved her, and squashed the feelings down as far as they would go.
“Sounds good,” she said. “Yumcha’s?”
He smiled again in response and kissed her as he rinsed his coffee cup, and Morgana reminded herself that they always had fun at Yumcha’s.
***
That Friday however, Morgana realised that she had double-booked herself; Saturday was the day of the pro-choice rally she and a new recruit named Morgause had organised.
She told Merlin she wouldn’t be able to go over dinner that night.
“Can’t you just not go?” he asked incredulously.
“No way! It’s important and I helped organised it!”
“Yeah, together with four other people. There’ll be hundreds of people there Morgana you won’t be missed. You promised me since Monday you’d come help out at work tomorrow.”
“I know but I forgot.”
“Fine,” he said through gritted teeth. “Another time then.”
Then she remembered something else she needed to ask him.
“Merlin?” she asked. “Could you drive me there on the way to your work in the morning?”
He gaped at her for almost a full thirty seconds, before closing his mouth, looking down at his food and saying “sure, no problem.”
***
Merlin’s hands were gripping the wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.
“What is it?” She asked him “Something’s on your mind I know it is, you’re doing that stupid pout-y thing,” she said, deliberately goading him when he didn’t answer.
His eyes narrowed as expected, and he muttered as though wrenched from him “If you really wanted to help society, you’d be at the shelter with me, instead of making me drive you to this stupid rally”
“This rally is helping Merlin. This stupid rally is what gets the people thinking, it’s things like this stupid rally that get the media attention that forces policy change! You help individual people Merlin, this is about changing the whole system.”
“It’s not about changing the system!” he seethed. “They don’t change the system! The people that turn up to them are wasting their time. If all these people were really eager to help, they’d be at a shelter, there isn’t one in the country that doesn’t need the help. That is changing society.”
“Not eager to help? What, cause you think the rallies don’t help, everyone is wasting their time?”
“They are wasting their time,” he said.
“So I’m wasting my time! Thanks for supporting me!”
“I am supporting you! I’m driving you here aren’t I? That’s what you’re really pissed about Morgana, that I don’t agree with you this time! I’ve always listened to you talk about SA, and supported the work you do with them - I don’t agree with you this one fucking time, cause you could be doing more useful with me instead of blowing me off again - and you’re fucking cut that I disagree with you once! Well so what that I think that?! But you know why that rips you up? Cause I’m not giving you all this praise for being so fucking special for coming here”
“I am not looking for fucking - praise or attention with these things-“
“Yes you are,” he said, stopping for a red light. “It’s about you being seen to do something, even if it’s a useless rally that won’t change anything, cause that makes you special and not like those other rich white girls you hate.”
She opened the car door and walked the rest of the way to the rally, ignoring his pleas to stop and shouted regrets and apologies.
***
She was still angry with Merlin that night, so she took Morgause up on her offer and stayed at her house instead of going home. To her surprised, she enjoyed herself immensely; Morguase had just broken up with a man named Cenred, and she and Morgana had fun roundly abusing men in general, and then heading out into town on a whim.
When she got home the next day, there was a vase of flowers with a note attached that read “sorry”, and the empty DVD case of Casablanca but no sign of Merlin. She fingered the flowers idly while she called him.
“Hi,” he said, sounding appropriately contrite.
“Hey,” she said. “Where are you?”
“Are you at home?”
“Yeah,” she said. “You at work?”
“Yeah,” he replied. “I’ll come home now.”
They made it up when she returned, but from then on, Morgana began spending more and more time with Morgause.
Unlike before the rally, where Merlin would beg her to stay home more often, or berate her for not calling to let him know her plans, Merlin accepted this with a kind of quiet strain. He seemed to be begging her silently to relinquish the extra time away, but Morgana couldn’t find it inside herself to care even though she knew she should.
Through Morgause, they recruited an engaging young man named Mordred, and through him an older man named Alvarr, with whom Morgana got along famously while his blonde girlfriend watched jealously from the corner.
Morgana had previously asked Merlin to stop taking her out on weekends, and now, she hardly saw him on the weekend at all. Weekends were for Morgause and Mordred and when she got home, she would open the door to find Merlin waiting for her on the couch, head on one fist and a cold bowl of dinner in the other.
She never said anything, and neither did he, but the increasing strain between them made going home even less attractive; she began calling her friends even while she was there to get away from him and their unspoken issues.
Eventually, Morgause asked Morgana on a three day trip to the countryside with herself and a woman she hadn’t met named Nimueh.
To her surprise, when she told Merlin about it, he put his foot down.
“No,” he said quietly, running plates under the tap ready to be put in the dishwasher.
“Sorry?”
He turned the tap off, and spun around to face her squarely. “No. You can’t go. You have to.....we need to work on us.”
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.
“Morgana,” he repeated. “You go away too often. You need to stay so we can work on us.”
Morgana knew she was being handed something like an ultimatum. That this decision was about more than just the trip, that she was risking everything if she chose to go, instead of to remain here and discuss the problems she’d been running from.
She knew that.
She went anyway.
***
Morgana didn’t really enjoy the trip - she was too agitated. She couldn’t stop thinking about Merlin’s face as she left or what would happen when she returned.
On the second night, Morgause produced a bottle of champage and a packet of cigars and asked “what’s wrong?” while Nimueh excused herself for a walk.
Unable to hold back, Morgana told her everything that had been happening between herself and Merlin over the past few weeks, and his request that she stay and fix their relationship instead of going on this trip, and how she had known there would be huge consequences, but had chosen to come anyway.
“Sounds to me,” Morgause said, pouring them a glass. “That you wanted those consequences.”
Morgana felt a little hole opening up inside her; part darkness, part hope it yawned larger and larger and to avoid looking at it she said “but I love him.”
“Mmmm.” Morgause said. “Why?”
“He’s...he’s a really good person.”
“Tell me about him.”
So Morgana did - everything from how she’d impressed by his unselfish and unorthodox goals in life, how he was hard-working and dedicated enough to achieve them, how he loved her and always made her a priority.
“He sounds nice,” Morgause said. “So why are you having problems?”
Morgana didn’t speak; she was too busy fighting back tears.
She knew why.
Because when she had first met him, she had thought his do-what-I-believe-in-and-want-and-everyone-be-damned attitude made him like her. That he wanted to Go Out but he didn’t want to be A Couple.
But he did.
Far from not wanting to become a settled couple as she had thought, his dedication to taking her out every weekend was his way of fully committing to that ideal.
His sincere love of vintage films was not the results of a passing indie phase but a genuine love for the homely ideals of a world gone by. His desire to be a stay-at-home dad, far from challenging traditional values, was his way of subscribing to them.
She thought of his promise to her, when she had agreed to let him move in; We’ll still be us.
But that was the trouble, Morgana realised. They had been nothing but themselves, the whole time. She had just never really seen him before.
When she returned to Camelot, she told him it was over.
***
Morgause helped her and Merlin move his belongings out of his apartment, whilst Merlin glared angrily at her the entire time.
“Merlin,” Morgana hissed, the moment they were alone in the kitchen while Morgause loaded the last few boxes into the back of the car. “She’s doing us a favour, must you?”
Morgana expected an angry response along the lines of “she’s doing you a favour” but instead Merlin turned to her, eyes full of tears pushed past her into the hallway, and Morgana politely pretended she did not know he was going into the bathroom to cry.
“Alright?” Morgause asked, appearing in the kitchen a minute later.
“Fine,” Morgana responded, quickly wiping her face on her sleeve. “I’m fine.”
***
She was not fine, not for several months. Despite being the one to end the relationship, and standing by her decision to do it, Morgana did not yet know how to live a life without Merlin, when he had come to fill up almost every part of it.
She swore to herself she would not be one of those girls who gave in to temptation and slept with their ex a number of times before moving on; she and Merlin would be a clean break, with no more contact between them.
Yet several times in the week after their break up she picked up the phone while at work to let Merlin know she was coming home, only to realise what she was doing and throw the phone against the wall.
She worried about how her break-up with Merlin would affect her relationship with Arthur and Gwen; for all that he wouldn’t admit it, she knew Merlin was basically Arthur’s best friend these days, and he’d got along famously with Gwen even before she began dating Arthur.
But Arthur and Gwen said that they understood; some things just didn’t work out and it wasn’t like either one had completely screwed the other over or anything.
Still, despite only being invited to their new flat when Merlin would not be around, Morgana felt strange to be around them; she felt that in shedding Merlin she had shed something of her old life too, and she began to spend less time with Arthur and Gwen and more time with Morgause and Mordred.
Cutting Arthur and Gwen out didn’t make moving on from Merlin any easier however. She felt happier, freer without the restrictions of having to weigh how her every action affected Merlin; at the same time, she felt lonely without him.
ldquo;Why?” She asked Morgause one night two weeks later, when seeing a rerun of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers in the TV Guide moved her almost to tears. “I ended it with him. I’m happy I did it. We weren’t going anywhere.”
“I know,” Morgause responded. “But it doesn’t mean you’re unhappy without him. It’s only that Merlin was a huge part of your life, and even though your relationship was problematic, you still loved him once and you can’t ever see him again”
“It’s grief my love,” she continued, stroking Morgana’s hair as the tears fell for real. “That’s all it is.”
Unable to resist seeking an old, familiar comfort in a life that had become drastically different to the one she lived before, Morgana called Merlin a week later.
“Merlin,” She said after he answered. “I know this is....strange, and don’t read too much into it, I’m not...look, do you want a get a coffee or something? Just as friends. That’s all. It’s just......I miss you a bit. Not in that way, just....miss talking to you a little.”
She waited for almost a full minute as Merlin breathed heavily down the line.
“No,” he said finally. “No, I don’t think I want to.”
***
That was the last time they spoke. Morgana continued to lean heavily on Morgause for company every time she looked around her apartment felt the absence of a blinding grin; but these nights became less and less frequent, as the feelings of confusion and loneliness left by abrupt change gave way to a sense of excitement and wonder at the new opportunities her break-up afforded her.
She went out without having to worry about if Merlin would be at home alone; she stayed late at SA meetings and organised rallies without worrying if it made it her look hypocritical; she said yes to every invitation and revelled in the freedom of it.
She organised what she wanted, when she wanted, and marvelled that she had ever thought domestic life something that would ever suit her.
“I don’t know if I’m selfish,” she said to Morgause over coffee one day “but I just don’t ever want another relationship again.”
“I understand,” Morgause said. “I could never really see you in one of those mainstream fairytale romances anyway”
***
Two years later, she met him again, and in a perfect reflection of their first meeting, it was at another of Arthur’s parties; this time his engagement party to Gwen.
Morgana didn’t really see much of Arthur and Gwen these days beyond what was polite for brother and sister; there was no animosity between them, and he’d never held her break up with Merlin against her, but they were different people. She wasn’t offended therefore that she was not one of Gwen’s bridesmaids, nor was she surprised to see Merlin sitting in a position at the head table that indicated his role as Arthur’s best man.
She didn’t feel anything in particular when she looked at him for the first time since she’d broken up with him two years earlier; that ship had long since sailed, the wounds it left behind long since healed.
Morgana stopped a man with short blonde hair and large muscular arms passing by with a bottle of champagne in one hand - I really have to spend more time with Arthur she thought I don’t even know this guy - asked if she could borrow his champagne and poured herself a glass as Arthur called for quiet so he could make a speech.
It was long, and mostly praise for Gwen’s virtues during which Gwen stared soppily at him and Merlin smiled at them both. Morgana waited politely until it was over, and then stepped out onto the balcony. After awhile the blonde guy with the arms came out too looking for Gwaine; he was still holding the champagne, and she relieved him of it thinking that she might leave once the bottle was finished - the party was nice, but not really her scene.
After he had been gone ten minutes, the balcony doors opened again, this time admitting the person that had occupied half her thoughts for the night; Merlin.
“Hey,” he said spotting her and walking over to sit down.
“Hi,” She replied.
“Going to stay till you’ve finished the bottle?” He grinned, nodding at the champagne.
“That was pretty much the plan.”
He laughed. “You must hate this.”
“I don’t hate it.”
He laughed again.
“So how’ve you been?” he asked.
“Good,” she replied honestly. She had become a full time employee of SA, General Secretary of the whole English branch; it was admin work, but she still felt a useful part of something bigger and it was the first step toward president anyway.
“SA’s got 100 new members this year.”
“That’s great,” he said genuinely and Morgana felt a rush of warmth for him; however she had chafed at being in a relationship, he was truly a good person.
“What about you?” she asked. “How’s your life?”
“It’s good,” he said, a big smile creeping slowly across his features. “I’m getting married.”
“What?” she laughed. “I thought that was Arthur!”
He chuckled. “Yeah some people said it was too soon -” I bet it was Morgana thought. I bet you proposed after two months or something. “- but I dunno, it felt right.”
“Good for you Merlin,” she said and meant it. With his dream job and now his dream life raising a family, she knew he was probably on cloud nine right now, and she felt genuinely happy for him.
“Good on you showing them that you don’t have to subscribe to some pre-ordained timeline of what a relationship is. Just do what you feel is right.”
“And damn the consequences,” he smiled back at her. “Yeah, I finally got that with her.”
She took a swig of champagne.
“Do you have someone?” he asked quietly.
“No,” she answered.
“You must love that,” he said a little sadly.
“Yeah,” she said. “I do.”
“I’m glad,” he smiled.
“Do you want to meet Freya?” he asked after a couple of minutes of reflective silence.
“Sure,” she said.
He led her inside to a table where a small dark haired woman was eating a prawn cocktail and talking to Leon. Morgana could tell as soon as look at her that this woman was the domestic goddess she was not; that she liked dogs and hated cats and always called when she was late.
“Freya,” Merlin said. “This is Morgana.”
“Hi,” she said shyly, but a little defensively too; Morgana was as warm to her as she possibly could be, to assure her she had nothing to worry about and Freya seemed to ease after a couple of minutes.
Morgana soon discovered Freya to be as interesting as she had thought Merlin when she first met him; she worked as a special education teacher at a school for children with Downs’ Syndrome and talked with clear passion about the need for extra government funding for schools like hers while Merlin beamed with pride beside her.
Morgana watched the two of them together as they began to talk about the need for government funding in all social services and then the latest particular grievances of Merlin’s job. They were clearly happy together; she felt happy for them.
After a few minutes however when the talk between Merlin and Freya turned inward, Morgana began to feel a little bored. Eventually with a “good to see you again” to Merlin, she excused herself and went to find Arthur so she could leave.
“Ah,” he said knowingly when she announced her intention to go. “You know, you broke up with him Morgana.”
He thought she was jealous about Merlin. Morgana weighed the costs and benefits of arguing with him, but decided against it and just left.
Reflecting on it later at home, she could understand why he thought that. Merlin and Freya were two obviously wonderful people, either of whom Morgana would be happy to consider a friend. Their relationship was good and healthy and clearly something to be envied.
Pre-Merlin, she might have thought that enough to overcome her stubbornly independent nature, and take chance on a good man and some amazing chemistry, and hope that it could change her into someone she wasn't.
But she was older, and she knew herself now; she might die a spinster or she might not, but either way, she would never have what Merlin and Freya had together. She had had the opportunity and she had turned it down.
She was just never one for fairytales, or romantic comedies