More Opinions and Commentary
The saga continues ...
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From the initial responder:
I'm not going to try to explain to you the complexity of the line as I wrote it. It's not because I question your intelligence or anything like that; it's that what you felt when you read the line was a visceral reaction that is not at all what I intended.
Please, go ahead. What you've written above is a combination of, "You didn't get my comment because it was too deep," and, "But I didn't mean it that way!" Anybody who is familiar with the "I'm not racist, but" technique should also be familiar with the idea that "But that wasn't what I intended!" isn't a Get Out Of Jail Free card. So please do explain. I'm interested to see the layers of complexity that are apparently contained within a one-liner at the end of a lighthearted and amusing post.
Also, while we're on the topic of, "[X], but [opposite of X]," this was not that. My statement was an, "[X], but [modifier of X]." In this case, I love hyperbole, but there are things that should not be used for hyperbole (modifier, not an opposite), and the Holocaust is one of them.
If you wish to take a moment, take a look at this entry that immediately proceeds this one.
I am glad, sincerely, that you are capable of the appropriate humane response to atrocity. It does leave me even more baffled by the use of the Holocaust here, but at least I know you're not a sociopath or complete asshole, and that's progress.
She didn't choose me as a partner--she was stuck with me because there were no other partners available for whatever reason.
I'll readily admit that knowing that does make me feel better about it.
Also, and more importantly, you didn't put this post on her journal.
When I have a problem with something someone said, I don't go whine to someone else about it. I address it with the person who wrote it. Going to someone else about it is passive-aggressive and cowardly. Private messages are also, IMO, cowardly; if you feel something strongly enough to address it, then you address it openly. You don't scurry around as if you're ashamed of how you feel.
It doesn't have anything to do with shaming (because when does shaming anyone ever really accomplish anything?), it has to do with leaving a public record of dissent: refuting the offensive statement(s) both to make it clear that you do not support them, and to let others feel validated if they have the same reaction. It's the same reason why, if I'm in a group and somebody says a racist joke, I challenge it right then in front of everybody, rather than taking them aside later. I want it to be clear that there is dissent to this opinion.
That being said, I do think it's fair to leave a comment for K letting her know why I probably won't be voting for her. (I say probably because there's a chance there may actually be more to your comment than what it appears, and you may be able to explain that to me. Should that be the case, I'd reconsider not voting for her.) But no, I don't think it would have been appropriate to post my comment there rather than here. Here is where the issue is, here is where you address it.
Speaking of shame, I'm going to crosspost this comment and my response to the places where my journal is crossposted (i.e. facebook and dreamwidth), and create a new livejournal entry so the folks on my friends page who wouldn't ordinarily read your comment can see it.
I have neither the time nor inclination to follow a bunch of posts all over the place, including on other blog platforms where I'm not even a member. Since you're happy to crosspost things, please feel free to crosspost comments you receive to this message thread.
Finally, I would like to apologize genuinely for upsetting you.
The problem with statements like "I apologize for upsetting you" is that it places the responsibility on the reader - it's their issue, and you're sorry they're having that issue. (It's a technique frequently used in anti-racist areas, among other places; somebody will say something upsetting, and then "apologize for the upset people experienced" or something similar. This is usually paired with "it wasn't what I intended," but we already got that out of the way in your first paragraph.)
Please don't take what I've written as a reflection to the warmth, kindness, empathy, and passion for justice I have seen consistently seen from [info]supremegoddess1".
I don't. I didn't use the phraseology "I love supremegoddess1" lightly - she's a dear friend and I do love her, and that's not going to be affected by someone else writing something offensive.
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My response:
To answer your question, I wrote that final line as a sly means of minimizing the "trauma" felt by myself and my friend in the shop by comparing it to actual trauma. Based on the response you had originally given me, and based on the response you're giving now (what with the dripping sarcasm and all), telling you that wouldn't have changed your opinion, nor the increasingly hostile tone of your replies to me.
The funny thing is, I actually do take seriously the point you made about my sentence minimizing the Holocaust, regardless of what was going on in my head when I wrote it. It actually got me thinking about Kurt Vonnegut's Mother Night, a surprisingly linear novel about how intent may not necessarily be the most important part of communication. That is a conversation worth having.
That kind of got lost, though, didn't it, in the comparisons of my character to that of yours and your friend's, and in the dissection of this "conversation." Like other Internet "conversations" I've been involved with, is not about the topic at hand but about parsing the language used to discuss the topic.
Let me state clearly that, by pointing out the "I'm not racist, but" straw man, I started it; for that, I sincerely apologize. No, I am not apologizing for your being offended by the straw man; I apologize for bringing it to the table in the first place.
Now, if this "conversation" is going to follow precedent, you will tell me that I had actually started it with the "I apologize if you were offended" meme, and my actual apology will either go unrecognized, or at the very least it will be accepted--probably followed by a "but," then followed by your reiterating the "offended" meme. It came up several times, and clearly you find it important.
I didn't suggest that you go exclusively to your friend to whine about me. In fact, I welcome you for coming to me with your response. That was my intent; however, if you've read this not as a genuinely positive expression but as another form of passive-aggressive attack, then there's nothing I can do about that. (If you read the phrase that followed however as a passive-aggressive attack on your interpretation of my words to provide evidence for the conclusion you've already reached, then we are on the same page.)
When I say "I apologize for upsetting you," I am flat out admitting that it was I who had committed the action that had upset you. Your personal attacks on my character aside, you appear to be a compassionate person, and supremegoddess1's friendship speaks well of you. I say that sincerely, but it is up to you on how you read it (FYI, that last sentence was also passive aggressive).
In conclusion, I'm not certain what you hoped to achieve by posting on the page of a stranger and name-calling. I don't think it's fair that you felt it necessary to make assumptions about me, and then follow up with more assumptions and further insults. The whole thing is, frankly, upsetting and a little embarrassing. I had hoped that our working together would allow me to become friends with supremegoddess1, and I fear that this will put the kibosh on that. I fear that this will affect my standing in the LJ Idol community and possibly lead to my being voted off. If any or all of these things were your intention, then congratulations.
The last word is now yours if you want it, I don't plan on responding again. We've done enough damage.
One more thing. This was the comment she left on her friend's page regarding her decision not to vote for us:
I liked yours a lot, and were it just yours alone, I'd vote for it in a heartbeat, as I've voted for you pretty much every week you've ever been in LJI. But I found your partner's so offensive that I'm waiting to see whether he can redeem himself before deciding whether I can vote for you or not (this being a team thing, a vote for you is also a vote for him). I started a discussion on his post, if you're curious as to why I feel the way I do.
And it all gets wrapped up here