Fic: Torchwood's Colourful (and Cracked) Egg-venture (I blame the chocolate peeps...)
Title: Torchwood's Colourful (and Cracked) Egg-venture
Series: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Gwen, Tosh, Owen, Myfanwy
Rating: R
Spoilers: Basic Torchwood knowledge
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or the characters therein, they belong to the BBC and RTD. Any original characters and places are my property.
Summary: An insane Easter adventure for the Torchwood team.
Author's Notes: Yes, that's right, I said chocolate peeps, and I know where to find them! Aha! Thusly, what follows after teaching two college friends how to make Easter eggs like your family used to is pure crack. Some plot, but a LOT of crack. I still place blame on the Cadbury's...
Author's Note 2: This was a collaborative piece between knitchick1979 and myself. X-posted to Knitchick1979's journal.
Torchwood's Colourful (and Cracked) Egg-Venture
Ianto smoothed down his purple shirt and adjusted the black waistcoat. No tie today, he was trying to be "casual." It was Jack's idea for something to try. He opened the refrigerator in the kitchenette and stared at it in horror. Who in bloody hell?!
"Why is there a baker's dozen of eggs in the fridge?" He looked around for anyone to blame, but they were all out on some "important mission."
Suddenly the lights above the cog door flashed and it slid open to reveal Gwen holding three big bags from Tesco.
"Oh hello Ianto," Gwen said. "Is something wrong?"
"Gwen, why are there eggs in the fridge? And... what is that?" Ianto stared as Gwen started to pull items from the bags.
"Easter egg decorating kit, silly!" Gwen replied.
"A what?" He glared at her. If she had said she had carried in a Tarkalion slime being who only wanted to shag Owen, he would have been less perturbed. What was she doing?
"I thought we could help participate in the annual egg hunt they do for the children up on the Plass. The strawberry festival was so cute and I figured we should be involved in the community more." Gwen smiled at him, her eyes big and pleading.
He knew her and Rhys had no children, and well, the way things usually went with Torchwood.... But... "Christ Gwen! We are a S-E-C-R-E-T organization. We don't do community things very well."
Gwen pouted at Ianto.
Just then Jack came jogging down the stairs from the greenhouse. "Hey kids, what's going on? Gwen, what do you have there?"
Ianto turned to Jack. "She wants us to participate in the egg hunt on the Plass! We are a SECRET organization! Top secret organizations don't DO Easter egg hunts!"
Jack looked at Ianto, then at Gwen, then at the bags in her hands. "Easter eggs huh? What exactly do we do?"
Ianto stared at Jack, wondering if Owen had been doing any new experiments on the boss while they were away from the Hub, although when that might be that Ianto was not with Jack was getting to be few and farther in between. Ianto dropped his head into his open hand, the smack echoing off the fridge door.
"Why don't we just paint pictures of aliens on the eggs then? Oh wait," he said, a smirk on his face. "Why don't we just have Tosh scan on pictures certain aliens, like little wanted posters on each egg, get EVERYONE involved!" He stared at the two of them.
Owen suddenly came in munching on something he quickly hid behind his back, but not before Ianto saw that it was an earless chocolate bunny. "What's going on," Owen asked, missing a spot of chocolate on his upper lip.
"Egg decorating," Jack said as he walked up to Owen. He quickly swooped in and licked Owen's upper lip, taking off the chocolate. "Missed a spot."
Owen shoved Jack away from him. "Hey, I'm not your loverboy that you can lick stuff off of! And why are we decorating eggs?"
"I thought we should help out with the annual egg hunt for the children that's held up on the Plass!" Gwen supplied.
"I still think this is a bad idea. Please tell me you'll at least lock the invisible lift and tourist office so no one decides to actually stumble in here," Ianto grumbled.
Jack put an arm around Ianto's shoulders. "Come on, Ianto, it'll be fun!"
Ianto glared at Jack and pulled away before Jack could get a grip on his ass, as he felt where the captain's hand was beginning to slide.
"Where's Tosh? She'll agree with me on how bad of an idea this is." Ianto grumbled as he slammed shut the fridge door and grabbed up his coffee cup only.
"Don't break the eggs," Gwen admonished. Ianto just grumbled.
"Any coffee for me? Please?" Jack asked, raising his hands in a pleading gesture.
"When you can lay the eggs we color then you'll get coffee," Ianto replied.
Jack smirked. "Get my Vortex Manipulator working so I can get a Ductaran incubator, and I'll lay all the eggs you want!"
Ianto groaned. "Please..." He stomped off across the Hub looking for Toshiko.
The cog door slid open and a massive pile of grocery bags walked in, carried by Tosh. "A little help here please!" she called out.
Ianto quickly set his coffee mug down on the nearest workstation and ran to take two of the larger bags from Tosh. "What in the world!?" he gaped.
"More eggs and egg dying supplies," Tosh explained. "You do have that big pot still in the kitchen, right?"
"Not you too Tosh!" Ianto groaned and grabbed the bags from her. "Ooof! How many eggs did you buy?"
"I might have used the that little black credit card..." She looked at him sheepishly. “The special one,” she mouthed.
"Aha! Human rituals. I LOVE this planet!" Jack strode over and picked up Ianto's coffee cup taking a sip.
Ianto shoved the bags into Owen's hands and stalked over, ripping his cup out of Jack's grasp, nearly taking the captain's pinky finger with it. "MY COFFEE! Your eggs!" Ianto shoved his way past Jack, despite the fact that the man tried to grab him by… well by what he sometimes called his "magic wand." Like hell he was going to be their Easter fairy. Let them deal with the consequences! Ianto stalked out of the cog door and headed for the tourist office.
"What's up his butt," Owen asked.
"Not me,” Jack said with a pout.
Toshiko rolled her eyes. "Um, is anyone going to help me with the rest of these bags?" she asked. "Before I drop sixteen dozen eggs?"
Jack grabbed the bags from her and headed off toward the kitchenette. "Okay, so what do we do first? Break them open?"
Owen rolled his eyes as he set the two bags Ianto had handed him on the counter. "No, we boil them. Haven't you ever dyed Easter eggs before?"
Jack pouted. "No. Easter was banned on Boe in the year 3949. And I've never really had the chance to celebrate it here."
"Boe? Sounds like the name of some hideous anti-hero. Hell, maybe it's just a head in a jar!" Owen started pulling out dozen after dozen of eggs. "How many did we get?" He counted another 20 dozen on the counter and that there were three more bags to empty.
"How many eggs could they need," Jack asked innocently.
"Last year they had about 1,000 kids participate," Gwen responded, pulling out the myriad of dye kits she had bought.
"Is that what that was? Regular kids?" Jack walked past, patting Owen on the rump. Owen rewarded him with a chocolate bunny head to the nose.
"1,000 kids in a sugar frenzy," Tosh replied.
"Oh good, I thought it was a new version of fairies!" Jack wiped off his nose, licking his fingers, his tongue lazing over them.
"That explains the screaming," Tosh said.
Jack rolled his eyes. "I was not screaming. I was announcing myself with a battle cry!"
"Sure you were," Owen said. "Can you reach that big giant pot Ianto keeps up there," he asked, pointing to a high cabinet.
Jack opened the cabinet. "What, that big silver thing up there?"
"Yes," Owen said, exasperated. "Get it down and fill it halfway with water."
Jack climbed up on the counter to reach the pot, which was on the highest shelf in the kitchen area. After pulling it down. he filled it partway with tap water, then stood there expectantly. "What now?"
"Put it on the stove burner, Jack," Gwen said patiently.
Jack put the pot down and stared at them. "Do we toss them in or what?"
Meanwhile, upstairs in the tourist office, Ianto had flipped on the CCTV so he could watch the spectacle that was unfolding. He had serious revenge thoughts of slipping Owen some "special" chocolate, making Tosh think CCTV was behind by 2.3 minutes only, and giving Jack decaf and faking orgasms for a week. He had special place in hell reserved for the goody-two-shoes named Gwen Cooper. He had just started a mini-fantasy when two old ladies walked in.
"Excuse me, do you have any brochures on the cock," the smallest one asked in a high-pitched voice.
Ianto nearly fell forward in his chair until he realized they were probably talking about Castle Coch.
"Ummm... right here," Ianto said as he handed them three different kinds of brochures. He walked around the desk and gave them another one he had on the wall. "This also has the hours of operation."
"Thank you sonny,” said the oldest as she took it from him and smacked him on the ass as the two ladies booked it slowly to the door, acting like they were racing out of there with their canes.
Ianto smiled a little as he watched them go then returned to the egg spectacle unfolding on CCTV.
Meanwhile, downstairs in the Hub, he could see Jack gingerly placing eggs in the bottom of the pot, probably had been ordered to be careful. Owen was holding another egg carton out to him. Gwen and Tosh were gathering mugs and cups and setting them out on the table.
"Tosh, dear, did you pick up extra paper towels?" Gwen asked as she dug in the remaining bags.
"Should be in that one. With the vinegar and oil," Tosh replied.
"Vinegar?" Jack asked.
“For the dye,” Gwen said matter-of-factly.
Jack grinned at his team, letting all his sparkly white teeth show. “I love this stuff. I really hope the Rift doesn't stop us from having fun,” he said as he emptied the bag with the vinegar, paper towels, and extra food coloring.
“Damn it Jack, why did you do that?” Owen chucked a blue peep out of the package he had found and opened in the third bag from Tesco. He chicked it straight at Jack's head.
“What did I do,” Jack said as he caught the peep and bit off the head. “OOoo... yummy!”
Tosh rolled her eyes as she started to lay newspaper and paper towels out on the counter. “You mentioned the Rift. Knock on wood before what you said happens, because, just our luck it will!”
Jack pouted, but he came over and loudly rapped his knuckles on the counter, then grabbed the stack of newspaper from Tosh's hands and began spreading it across the counter.
Gwen came up behind him and put down paper towels over the newspaper. "God help us if Ianto sees us spilling any dye on the counter!"
Tosh then followed her, putting the mugs down in strategic spots on top of the paper towels, placing a small bronze looking dipper next to each cup. "Oh pish, then he should be down here helping instead of having a snippy fit."
Owen swallowed the mass of Peeps he had been chewing on, as he checked his watch. "First batch is done! Ugh!" He grunted as he moved the pot under the spigot and starting running the cold water over the finished eggs.
Tosh neatly sorted out the egg colors and deposited them in each mug as Gwen grabbed the vinegar and put some in with the wads of tablets. Owen pushed Jack out of the way as he moved the eggs to dry on the side counter and started the next batch.
"Can I help?" Jack said pouting.
Tosh handed Jack a small spoon. "Here, let the tablets fizz a little bit, then start stirring. Make sure the tablets are fully dissolved," she explained.
Jack stood over the mugs, staring at the bubbling colour tablets. Owen rolled his eyes and wished for a camera as he turned on the burner for the next batch of eggs.
Gwen ran out of the room and returned a few minutes later with a small folding table and started to cover it with newspapers and place a couple of large trays on top, laying paper towels out on the trays.
"You put so little vinegar in here, Gwen, is that right?" Jack asked as he carefully stirred the mug with blue tablets in it.
"We'll be adding water in a moment, be patient Jack," Tosh said. "First those tablets need to dissolve."
Meanwhile, back in the tourist office, Ianto had finished his coffee and was reclining in the chair, watching the computer screen and the CCTV of the Hub. Part of him wanted to join them, and try to recapture his youth, but they had to understand. Yvonne wanted to get involved with the public and look at what had happened.
He picked up a small plastic egg, and filled it with Hershey's kisses, meaning to leave it for Jack. Promises of later. Maybe he could convince him the Easter Bunny was here. Of course, the last time they pretended the Easter Bunny visited, which was just last night, Jack had worked those ears into a place on Ianto that would have made the bunny prefer to go earless.
Ianto turned back to the screen and watched.
Meanwhile, back in the Hub, Owen was nearing finishing the eggs and Gwen had filled the rest of the cups with water and the dye was ready. Tosh plucked up a wax crayon and drew an invisible design on one egg and then dunked it.
Jack watched Tosh carefully and his eyes grew like saucers when she pulled the egg out of the dye and there was a design on it. "How did you do that?" he asked.
Tosh smiled and handed him a crayon. "You draw your design on the egg, careful, you don't want to break the shell, then that keeps the dye from getting on that part of the egg."
Jack happily drew a design and dropped his egg in the blue dye. Meanwhile Owen was dipping an egg half in the red dye, and Gwen was plopping several eggs in different cups.
Meanwhile, Ianto, upstairs, zoomed in when Jack pulled his first egg out of the cup and nearly spit out his coffee when he saw what Jack had drawn. It had been a bad idea to compliment Jack's penis drawings last week.
Meanwhile, back in the Hub, Gwen finally got the color to retreat from her face after shouting at Jack about what was inappropriate for small children to go picking up on the Plass. Owen finished boiling the seventh batch of eggs and chuckled at the group as he scarfed down a Cadbury cream egg in one gulp.
Jack started making a lot of blue eggs. Blue eggs. blue eggs and more blue eggs. "I really like this color!"
"Gee, you think," Owen replied snarkily as he dipped another egg in a red and then orange, making stripes. "I can't see how that is," he said as he looked at Jack's blue shirt, blue pants and blue vest.
Gwen moved the eggs to the side and let them dry, separate but not far. She moved over by the espresso machine and turned it on, hoping to make some coffee for all of them.
Meanwhile, up in the tourist office, Ianto spotted Gwen touching the espresso machine and decided that was it, he had to intervene. He quickly put up the "Closed until further notice" sign and locked the Tourist office, racing his way back to the Hub. He skidded to a halt in the kitchenette moments later and shooed Gwen away from the espresso machine.
"Ianto! Come to join us finally?" Jack asked happily. "Help me make more blue eggs?"
Ianto tried to not hurt himself rolling his eyes for the umpteenth time that day. "No. I came to make you all coffee before the espresso machine exploded on you."
He checked over the machine and shot Gwen a death glare. He was going to consult Dante later that night about what kind of hell to set up for Gwen Elizabeth Cooper.
"Jack, isn't that enough blue for the moment," Gwen said encouragingly, trying to ignore the looks she kept getting from Ianto. The looks were so intense it was a surprise that her hair did not randomly burst into flames.
"Blue eggs... blue balls, same difference to him," Owen muttered.
"NO," Jack admonished, "these are more fragile."
Gwen started stacking the finished eggs in a basket and then handed them to Jack. "Here, put these someplace safe in the Hub."
Jack took the eggs and stood there thinking a moment.
"Just put them in the Tourist Office, on the back desk. They'll be safe there," Ianto snapped, a little exasperated.
Jack grinned. "Okay!" He started to walk toward the cog door when they heard a loud screech.
Gwen ran out of the kitchenette first, since she was closest to the door, just in time to see Myfanwy swooping down with her eye on some eggs. Jack held up an arm to try and fend the pterodactyl off, and nearly dropped the basket. Gwen ran over and snatched the basket from him and ran it back to the kitchen.
"Jack?" Owen ran to help Jack, who was now bleeding profusely from massive bite marks on his arm.
Owen grabbed up the towel Gwen had dropped and pressed it to the wounds.
"I knew this was a bad idea from the beginning," Ianto said. "Told you so."
"Ow, ow, why me?" Jack winced as Owen dragged him towards the medical bay.
Ianto glared at Gwen. "Happy now?" Forget Dante, he would just open an IM with Beelzabub later.
"I'll put them away," Tosh said, placing a towel over the basket and headed out the cog door.
Gwen stared at Ianto, then burst into tears and ran off toward the Tourist Office, on Tosh's heels. Ianto groaned, trying to ignore the guilty feeling that was creeping up on him.
Over in the autopsy bay, Owen was trying to get Jack to sit still while he assessed the damage that had been done by Myfanwy. Jack, of course, was being his usual bad patient self.
Ianto walked in and stood at the railing. "Jack, will you behave!?" he snapped.
"What do I get in return," Jack asked, making kissy lips at Ianto.
"NOT IN AUTOPSY!" Owen smacked down the antiseptic onto Jack's arm.
Jack winced and then pouted again. Ianto sighed and stalked down the steps. It was then that Owen seemed to notice they were both wearing vests.
"Great, I have the fucking Bobsey twins. That's it!" Owen finished up and walked out, back to the eggs, muttering something about twins and never again as he dug a gummy carrot out of the back pocket of his jeans and chewed on it.
Jack shrugged and leered at Ianto. "So, now that he's gone, wanna have some fun in here?"
Ianto shook his head. "No. Not in here. Go finish your damn eggs and maybe I'll be nice later." Ianto stalked out of autopsy, went into the kitchen and quickly poured a tray full of coffee, then tripped his security switch on the espresso machine before heading back to the Tourist Office to sulk.
Meanwhile, back in the Hub, Jack sat in autopsy for a couple of minutes and pouted, then headed back into the kitchen.
Jack picked up an egg and tossed it into a cup of dye. It made a loud crack and splooshed dye all over the place. Owen whirled around and was wide-eyed at Jack.
"Are you doing this on purpose?" Owen rushed over, grabbing a wad of paper towels and wiped down the cream colored counter before the dye could stain it.
"Sorry Owen," Jack said. "Maybe you should punish me?"
"No, Jack, quit getting your teaboy fantasies out on me!"
Jack glared at him and then ran off to his office.
Owen rolled his eyes and emptied out the kettle from the latest batch. Owen placed the next batch of eggs into the kettle and started cooking. He began to grumble about how his mother used to make him do stuff like this all the time. He ripped open a second package of peeps, purple ones this time, and shoved two in his mouth, chewing away.
Tosh walked back in and packed up a second basket of finished eggs
"Owen, is everything okay?"
"Wat mik u se dat?"
"You have been chowing down... never mind. But if you wanted to use your mouth, I have other ideas," Tosh said.
Owen swallowed down the peeps in surprise. "Excuse me?"
"Nothing," Tosh said and walked out with the basket.
Meanwhile, later, back in the tourist office, Ianto looked at the clock and saw that it was after midnight. He checked the CCTV and saw that no one was in the kitchenette and no one had left past him. He walked down to the Hub and walked in to see Tosh and Owen passed out on the couch, their heads propped up against each other, and Gwen was sprawled out in Owen's chair. Meanwhile, Jack was stretched out on the stairs and looked at Ianto as he came in.
Jack held up his hand. "It's all blue Yan, what do I do?"
Ianto sighed. He didn't answer right away, just went and pulled out a blanket from one of Tosh's desk drawers and laid it over Tosh and Owen, then pulled out a second blanket from another desk drawer and laid it over Gwen. Finally he grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him up, dragging him to the showers.
"Come on, Jack, let's get you cleaned up."
Jack grinned and followed Ianto happily. "Happy Easter, Ianto!"
After cleaning up Jack and then playing Easter "Egg" hunt themselves, Ianto dressed in a black suit with a magenta shirt and blue tie. Ianto went upstairs about half past six in the morning and made sure all the eggs were ready for the people that were coming to pick them up. He hated to disappoint the kids.
He said “hi” and exchanged pleasantries with the older men, and as soon as they left he put the security system on alert and put the "closed" sign on the door. He headed back downstairs where Tosh was beginning to stir. She opened her eyes and looked at Ianto.
"Good morning Ianto," she said. Then she looked at him surprised and saw Owen next to her and removed the blanket from on top of her and Owen. During the night Owen had moved and was holding tight to her big... well...
Ianto turned away with a smile. "Morning Tosh, I'll get the coffee started." He headed into the kitchenette, leaving Tosh to extricate herself from Owen's grip.
Ianto started steaming some fresh milk for a really foamy cappuccino when Jack ambled into the kitchenette. Jack let out a big yawn and put his hands on Ianto's shoulders, his braces hanging down, a white t-shirt tight against his chest.
"You did a good thing yesterday not killing Gwen. She meant well." Jack began to run his fingers down Ianto's arms and up to his hands, putting his fingers over the ones that gripped the steaming pitcher.
"I thought you would have stopped her Jack," Ianto said, ignoring him as he pulled the espresso shots and deposited them in the mug he had grabbed from the cabinet.
Jack began to nuzzle against Ianto's ear. "She already agreed to it, and I hate to disappoint those kids. They will be experiencing enough strange things in their lifetimes." Jack started kissing Ianto's neck and nipped at his vein. He then pulled back, forcefully turned Ianto around, and swooped in, devouring Ianto's mouth, kissing him intensely.
"Ahem, busy again," Owen said as he stumbled into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He rooted around and pulled out a hunk of carrot cake.
Ianto looked over at Owen and raised an eyebrow. "Hungry?"
Owen just glared at him and chewed. "Is that for me?" he asked, mouth full of food, pointing to the mug.
Ianto sighed. "Fine." He shoved the mug at Owen and started making another mug.
Jack put his arms around Ianto's waist and pulled the other man close, holding his crotch to Ianto’s ass. He continued ignoring Ianto trying to get loose so he could make coffee. "Coffee for me too?" he whispered in Ianto's ear.
Ianto worked to exude his annoyance physically. "Not if you don't let go so I can make it!"
Jack reluctantly let go of Ianto, letting his hand trail along Ianto's ass, cupping the one cheek, before he patted it and turned away, leaning against the back railing, one foot propped up.
Ianto could feel Jack watching his backside as he made another mug for himself and sipped on it as he prepared Tosh's with chocolate drizzle and one for Jack. He then made a no foam decaf latte for Gwen.
"Thank you so much Ianto, I love you," Tosh said as she walked into the kitchenette and he handed her the mug and she sipped and savored it.
"Not a problem." Ianto handed Jack his cup and then took a deep drag of his own brew.
Gwen had just stumbled into the kitchenette, looking at the mugs of coffee and then at Ianto. Owen handed her the remaining mug. She took a sip and made a face, but did not say anything. She looked at her watch and sighed. "The little sweethearts should be right in the thick of their Easter egg hunt, and I need to get home. We are supposed to meet Rhys' aunt in Aberyswyth for brunch."
Just then the Rift alarm sounded and Tosh ran down the stairs to her workstation. She checked the computer. "Jack! We have a problem. Major Rift disturbance right above us on the Plass!"
Jack gulped down the rest of his mug and ran to Tosh's station, pulling his braces up over his shoulders as he ran. "What is it?"
Tosh pulled up the Plass CCTV and gaped at the screen. "Uh, it appears to be a giant Peep."
Ianto came up behind Tosh and stared at the screen. "We're not going to have to deal with Gozer the Gozarian this afternoon, are we?" he deadpanned.
Tosh just groaned as Jack looked at Ianto confused. Tosh turned back to the computer. "I don't know but we still have kids upstairs looking for Easter eggs about to get splooged by a giant yellow chick."
"Oh shit," Gwen muttered dropping the mug on a nearby counter, splashing coffee all over the place.
"Oh look, miss potty mouth." Owen finished off his coffee and wiped a couple of cake crumbs off his chin.
"We have to help those kids Jack," Gwen said as she hurried down by Tosh's computer.
"I thought we might just let them be eaten and then pooped out like little balls of white cu-"
"Don't even go there Jack," Ianto warned.
"What do we do Jack?" Gwen asked.
Jack stared at the CCTV image. "Okay, first we need to get the kids out of danger. Gwen, Owen, you are in charge of coordinating with the parents and anyone else up there to get them all inside the Millennium Centre. Ianto, let Myfanwy out of her cage. Tosh, you are our eyes and ears, keep us informed of where this thing is. Now...where did I leave the barbecue sauce?"
Owen grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and tossed Gwen hers. "We're on it."
Tosh nodded. "As always. Be careful Jack!"
Jack flashed blinding white teeth at her. "I always am!"
Ianto rolled his eyes. "Meet you up top sir?"
Jack nodded. "See you in five."
Ianto walked up the two staircases and then climbed up the straight ladder to a small corridor/catwalk that led to Myfanwy's cage. He bent down to walk across the catwalk, swearing that if he wanted to he could walk on his knees and still hit his head against the ceiling.
He could hear Myfanwy screeching having picked up his scent a while back. Her beak poked out through the bars. He clucked his tongue in a specific pattern that made her step back. He moved a winch that was on the side and a small opening moved back in the ceiling above her.
"Have fun," Ianto muttered as he headed back down the cramped hallway.
Meanwhile, back on the Plass, Gwen and Owen had found one of the event's moderators and they had opened up the Millennium Centre, ushering the families into the main building.
Ianto ran out onto the Plass as a scream could be heard over the screeches. Ianto looked up in horror as the giant Peep had snatched up a child in its beak. Bloody hell, how did it get a beak?
Jack came running toward the Peep, a giant jar of brownish liquid in one hand and a flamethrower in the other. He spotted Ianto, who pointed at the Peep's beak.
"Ianto! Catch!" Jack tossed the jar of liquid to Ianto, then ran after the Peep. "Hey! Big yellow and ugly! Yeah, right here! Wanna eat me instead? Once you suck down a Harkness you never go back."
The Peep turned and opened its jaws, allowing the child to fall. Jack dropped the flamethrower, caught the marshmallow-covered kid and set him down on the ground near the fountain, then grabbed the flamethrower again and jumped up toward the Peep, which was bending down again.
The Peep caught Jack in its beak and started to chew, more like gumming him. Jack managed to call one last instruction out before being swallowed, yelling, "IANTO! Cover this thing in the barbecue sauce!"
Ianto shooed the kid towards Gwen and snatched up the jug of barbecue sauce. He started spraying and the Peep flapped out a wing at him.
"Look out Ianto!" Owen cried out and pushed Ianto out of the way, grabbing the sauce jug and latched onto the wing. He began dumping the sauce all over the Peep, climbing up its wing to the sugary back. "Go back to hell you delicious piece of fluff. I know you don't love me!"
"What the hell is he doing," Gwen shouted as she ran up to Ianto.
"I don't know, but here comes Myfanwy!" The two ducked back towards the fountain as the pterodactyl's shadow passed over them.
Myfanwy swooped down, smelling the oodles of barbecue sauce that coated the giant peep. She screeched, and Ianto almost imagined she was saying "Is that for me!?"
Meanwhile, Jack was completely coated in marshmallow now, having been swallowed and slid down to, he imagined, about the middle of the Peep. He took a moment to be grateful that he hadn't had a chance to throw on his greatcoat, he didn't think marshmallow came out of wool too easily.
His downward motion slowed and he tried to unglue one hand from the flamethrower so as to turn it on. "Take this fluff boy!" he shouted, turning the flame on and igniting the marshmallow.
The flame started to sputter and smolder inside the overgrown floppy marzipan. Jack boosted the power and a small flame spewed forth, melting the gelatinous substance into a goo that was starting to really warm up.
"This might not have been really thought out," Jack muttered to himself, trying to keep from being asphyxiated by the hot marshmallow.
Meanwhile, back on the Peep's back, riding it like a bucking bronco, Owen held on tight, emptying the barbecue sauce container all over the yellow back. Suddenly he felt his grip give way as the Peep got hot under him and began to slide down it's back as it molted.
Owen landed on the Plass with a thump and looked up to see Myfanwy chowing down on a gooey conglomeration of her barbecue sauce, melted marshmallow and caramelized sugar.
Just then, a gooey lump slid out of the burning behind of the Peep and landed right on Owen. Owen tried to shove the gooey mass off of him so he could breathe but succeeded only in getting himself covered in more goo.
The two masses became conjoined, rolling around, picking up detritus from the Plass as Myfanwy dived in again, ripping off the Peep's right side of it's face.
"Hopefully she kills it, I would hate to see that thing parading as Phantom of the Opera," Ianto quipped as he and Gwen ran over to Owen and Jack.
"Get your bloody big ass off me you bloody git!" Owen tried to kick Jack's splooge off of himself but failed. "Fuck you!'
"Give me the date and I'll be there," Jack retorted.
"There are children around," Gwen admonished them.
"Tosh, open the lift," Ianto said into his earpiece as he pulled out a pair of gloves and started rolling the JackOwen ball of goo towards the invisible lift.
"What the hell are you doen uf tibo!" Owen's mouth was glazed over with goo.
Ianto smiled as he reached the fountain. "Tosh can help clean you off while we clear up the mess in the Plass." He shoved the conjoined pair onto the lift and slid his hands out of the gloves, which were now glued to Owen's backside.
Ianto took a step back and then called over his comm, "Tosh, bring them down!"
The lift began moving downstairs with a jerk, and Ianto smiled as he watched the mound of goo with Jack and Owen encased in it disappear before he headed back to where Myfanwy was happily munching on the remains of the Peep.
"So, Ianto, what's going on now?" Gwen asked. "Do we just let Myfanwy eat all of that?"
"I say yes, but I am not cleaning out her cage for a week." Ianto looked around the Plass.
"Won't the Hub start to smell," Gwen stated.
"Not after you clean out her cage. She likes lavender scented potpourri." Ianto walked around the fountain to a small control room and pulled a silver card key out of his wallet and swiped it across the console.
"What are you doing?"
"Clean-up. Someone has to," Ianto said as he gave Gwen one of his most high-arched eyebrow looks ever. Ianto stepped into the small control room and flipped a couple of switches and suddenly the fountain was spraying hot water across the Plass, chasing Myfanwy away and watering down the stones.
Gwen watched the sight in awe. "But where is all that marshmallow going to go?"
Ianto looked at where the water was spraying. "Looks like it will collect up against the stones there. Perhaps you should get a shovel and a bag."
Ianto could hear Tosh's delicate snort from the other end of the comms.
"ME?" Gwen asked.
"I am busy trying to coax Myfanwy to head back to her cage," Ianto explained, producing a large dark chocolate bar from a pocket of his suit jacket and heading toward a very disappointed pterodactyl.
Gwen glared at his backside and went toward the tourist office to get cleaning supplies.
Ianto turned slowly and led Myfanwy, hopping foot to foot over to the hidden access for her cage. He tossed the chocolate bar into the abscess in the stonework and stepped back as she dove down for it. Pulling a remote control out of his other pocket, Ianto closed the gate on Myfanwy.
Ianto took the back entrance into the Hub so he wouldn't run into Gwen as he watched the families start to venture out from the Millennium Centre building. He hurried down the stairs, his shoes flapping against the metal and came out behind Tosh's desk.
"What did you do with them Tosh," Ianto looking for the creamy, white goo that was Ow-ack.
"Pushed them into the fountain. Owen must be part cat, or he just hates taking baths," she said, a chuckle escaping her lips.
Suddenly a scream could be heard form the medical bay. Ianto hurried over and looked down to see Owen going towards Jack with a REALLY LONG scalpel.
"What are you doing?"
"Someone 'accidentally' got his mouth plastered shut with burnt marshmallow! We work for such a brilliant man. Oi! SIT DOWN!"
Jack looked at Ianto with fear in his eyes for once.
Ianto tried very hard to suppress his laughter and told Jack, "You'd better listen to the Doctor. I know how much you like to use your mouth and if you move he may mess up."
Jack shot his best upset and pouting look Ianto's way and sat down.
Owen rolled his eyes. "Finally. Sit still." He carefully carved away the burnt marshmallow, catching it in his free hand and tossing it onto a nearby instrument tray.
Jack grinned as soon as his mouth was free. "Much better, thanks Owen!" He jumped up, and in the blink of an eye stripped off his marshmallow coated clothes and streaked off across the Hub.
Owen shook his head. "Git." He grabbed the burnt marshmallow and started to munch on it while Ianto gathered up the marshmallow-covered clothes and left the medical bay.
Ianto passed by Tosh. "Is everything okay upstairs?"
"Looks like Gwen is nearly done shoveling the goo." Ianto noticed Tosh saving the CCTV file to her hard drive.
"Then take Owen and get out. Go home, enjoy," Ianto said as he dumped Jack's clothes into a nearby wastebasket. "And take Gwen with you."
Ianto continued up to Jack's office and found him sitting in his chair, legs up on the desk and spread open, leaving nothing to the imagination. Well, the only thing he left to the imagination was just how he had perfectly hollowed out that chocolate bunny that quickly to sit on his carrot.
"Did you send them home," Jack asked.
"On their way," Ianto said as he popped the bunny off its special stand and continued to eat the ass out of it. He shoved Jack towards his hole and picked up the phone. "I will be right there." Once Jack's head had disappeared into the hole as Ianto had directed, Ianto made his phone call. As the person on the other end answered, he smiled.
"Hello, yes, good morning Mr. Wonka. This is Mr. Jones and the pterodactyl, thank you for the help this morning teaching my co-worker a lesson. The thing you asked for will be there in the morning."
Ianto then hung up the phone and slipped out of his suit, folding it neatly and placing the stack of clothes on Jack's chair. He then climbed down Jack's hole.
After a very strenuous night of thoroughly cleaning off every inch of Jack from every last bit of Peep fluff, Ianto gave his tongue a rest and sneaked back into the Hub and logged onto the system and put through the delivery to the Wonka factory to be delivered at half past ten tomorrow morning by Harwood's Haulage.
"Yan!" Jack's voice beckoned for him to get back in his hole.
The END!
Series: Torchwood
Characters: Ianto, Jack, Gwen, Tosh, Owen, Myfanwy
Rating: R
Spoilers: Basic Torchwood knowledge
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or the characters therein, they belong to the BBC and RTD. Any original characters and places are my property.
Summary: An insane Easter adventure for the Torchwood team.
Author's Notes: Yes, that's right, I said chocolate peeps, and I know where to find them! Aha! Thusly, what follows after teaching two college friends how to make Easter eggs like your family used to is pure crack. Some plot, but a LOT of crack. I still place blame on the Cadbury's...
Author's Note 2: This was a collaborative piece between knitchick1979 and myself. X-posted to Knitchick1979's journal.
Torchwood's Colourful (and Cracked) Egg-Venture
Ianto smoothed down his purple shirt and adjusted the black waistcoat. No tie today, he was trying to be "casual." It was Jack's idea for something to try. He opened the refrigerator in the kitchenette and stared at it in horror. Who in bloody hell?!
"Why is there a baker's dozen of eggs in the fridge?" He looked around for anyone to blame, but they were all out on some "important mission."
Suddenly the lights above the cog door flashed and it slid open to reveal Gwen holding three big bags from Tesco.
"Oh hello Ianto," Gwen said. "Is something wrong?"
"Gwen, why are there eggs in the fridge? And... what is that?" Ianto stared as Gwen started to pull items from the bags.
"Easter egg decorating kit, silly!" Gwen replied.
"A what?" He glared at her. If she had said she had carried in a Tarkalion slime being who only wanted to shag Owen, he would have been less perturbed. What was she doing?
"I thought we could help participate in the annual egg hunt they do for the children up on the Plass. The strawberry festival was so cute and I figured we should be involved in the community more." Gwen smiled at him, her eyes big and pleading.
He knew her and Rhys had no children, and well, the way things usually went with Torchwood.... But... "Christ Gwen! We are a S-E-C-R-E-T organization. We don't do community things very well."
Gwen pouted at Ianto.
Just then Jack came jogging down the stairs from the greenhouse. "Hey kids, what's going on? Gwen, what do you have there?"
Ianto turned to Jack. "She wants us to participate in the egg hunt on the Plass! We are a SECRET organization! Top secret organizations don't DO Easter egg hunts!"
Jack looked at Ianto, then at Gwen, then at the bags in her hands. "Easter eggs huh? What exactly do we do?"
Ianto stared at Jack, wondering if Owen had been doing any new experiments on the boss while they were away from the Hub, although when that might be that Ianto was not with Jack was getting to be few and farther in between. Ianto dropped his head into his open hand, the smack echoing off the fridge door.
"Why don't we just paint pictures of aliens on the eggs then? Oh wait," he said, a smirk on his face. "Why don't we just have Tosh scan on pictures certain aliens, like little wanted posters on each egg, get EVERYONE involved!" He stared at the two of them.
Owen suddenly came in munching on something he quickly hid behind his back, but not before Ianto saw that it was an earless chocolate bunny. "What's going on," Owen asked, missing a spot of chocolate on his upper lip.
"Egg decorating," Jack said as he walked up to Owen. He quickly swooped in and licked Owen's upper lip, taking off the chocolate. "Missed a spot."
Owen shoved Jack away from him. "Hey, I'm not your loverboy that you can lick stuff off of! And why are we decorating eggs?"
"I thought we should help out with the annual egg hunt for the children that's held up on the Plass!" Gwen supplied.
"I still think this is a bad idea. Please tell me you'll at least lock the invisible lift and tourist office so no one decides to actually stumble in here," Ianto grumbled.
Jack put an arm around Ianto's shoulders. "Come on, Ianto, it'll be fun!"
Ianto glared at Jack and pulled away before Jack could get a grip on his ass, as he felt where the captain's hand was beginning to slide.
"Where's Tosh? She'll agree with me on how bad of an idea this is." Ianto grumbled as he slammed shut the fridge door and grabbed up his coffee cup only.
"Don't break the eggs," Gwen admonished. Ianto just grumbled.
"Any coffee for me? Please?" Jack asked, raising his hands in a pleading gesture.
"When you can lay the eggs we color then you'll get coffee," Ianto replied.
Jack smirked. "Get my Vortex Manipulator working so I can get a Ductaran incubator, and I'll lay all the eggs you want!"
Ianto groaned. "Please..." He stomped off across the Hub looking for Toshiko.
The cog door slid open and a massive pile of grocery bags walked in, carried by Tosh. "A little help here please!" she called out.
Ianto quickly set his coffee mug down on the nearest workstation and ran to take two of the larger bags from Tosh. "What in the world!?" he gaped.
"More eggs and egg dying supplies," Tosh explained. "You do have that big pot still in the kitchen, right?"
"Not you too Tosh!" Ianto groaned and grabbed the bags from her. "Ooof! How many eggs did you buy?"
"I might have used the that little black credit card..." She looked at him sheepishly. “The special one,” she mouthed.
"Aha! Human rituals. I LOVE this planet!" Jack strode over and picked up Ianto's coffee cup taking a sip.
Ianto shoved the bags into Owen's hands and stalked over, ripping his cup out of Jack's grasp, nearly taking the captain's pinky finger with it. "MY COFFEE! Your eggs!" Ianto shoved his way past Jack, despite the fact that the man tried to grab him by… well by what he sometimes called his "magic wand." Like hell he was going to be their Easter fairy. Let them deal with the consequences! Ianto stalked out of the cog door and headed for the tourist office.
"What's up his butt," Owen asked.
"Not me,” Jack said with a pout.
Toshiko rolled her eyes. "Um, is anyone going to help me with the rest of these bags?" she asked. "Before I drop sixteen dozen eggs?"
Jack grabbed the bags from her and headed off toward the kitchenette. "Okay, so what do we do first? Break them open?"
Owen rolled his eyes as he set the two bags Ianto had handed him on the counter. "No, we boil them. Haven't you ever dyed Easter eggs before?"
Jack pouted. "No. Easter was banned on Boe in the year 3949. And I've never really had the chance to celebrate it here."
"Boe? Sounds like the name of some hideous anti-hero. Hell, maybe it's just a head in a jar!" Owen started pulling out dozen after dozen of eggs. "How many did we get?" He counted another 20 dozen on the counter and that there were three more bags to empty.
"How many eggs could they need," Jack asked innocently.
"Last year they had about 1,000 kids participate," Gwen responded, pulling out the myriad of dye kits she had bought.
"Is that what that was? Regular kids?" Jack walked past, patting Owen on the rump. Owen rewarded him with a chocolate bunny head to the nose.
"1,000 kids in a sugar frenzy," Tosh replied.
"Oh good, I thought it was a new version of fairies!" Jack wiped off his nose, licking his fingers, his tongue lazing over them.
"That explains the screaming," Tosh said.
Jack rolled his eyes. "I was not screaming. I was announcing myself with a battle cry!"
"Sure you were," Owen said. "Can you reach that big giant pot Ianto keeps up there," he asked, pointing to a high cabinet.
Jack opened the cabinet. "What, that big silver thing up there?"
"Yes," Owen said, exasperated. "Get it down and fill it halfway with water."
Jack climbed up on the counter to reach the pot, which was on the highest shelf in the kitchen area. After pulling it down. he filled it partway with tap water, then stood there expectantly. "What now?"
"Put it on the stove burner, Jack," Gwen said patiently.
Jack put the pot down and stared at them. "Do we toss them in or what?"
Meanwhile, upstairs in the tourist office, Ianto had flipped on the CCTV so he could watch the spectacle that was unfolding. He had serious revenge thoughts of slipping Owen some "special" chocolate, making Tosh think CCTV was behind by 2.3 minutes only, and giving Jack decaf and faking orgasms for a week. He had special place in hell reserved for the goody-two-shoes named Gwen Cooper. He had just started a mini-fantasy when two old ladies walked in.
"Excuse me, do you have any brochures on the cock," the smallest one asked in a high-pitched voice.
Ianto nearly fell forward in his chair until he realized they were probably talking about Castle Coch.
"Ummm... right here," Ianto said as he handed them three different kinds of brochures. He walked around the desk and gave them another one he had on the wall. "This also has the hours of operation."
"Thank you sonny,” said the oldest as she took it from him and smacked him on the ass as the two ladies booked it slowly to the door, acting like they were racing out of there with their canes.
Ianto smiled a little as he watched them go then returned to the egg spectacle unfolding on CCTV.
Meanwhile, downstairs in the Hub, he could see Jack gingerly placing eggs in the bottom of the pot, probably had been ordered to be careful. Owen was holding another egg carton out to him. Gwen and Tosh were gathering mugs and cups and setting them out on the table.
"Tosh, dear, did you pick up extra paper towels?" Gwen asked as she dug in the remaining bags.
"Should be in that one. With the vinegar and oil," Tosh replied.
"Vinegar?" Jack asked.
“For the dye,” Gwen said matter-of-factly.
Jack grinned at his team, letting all his sparkly white teeth show. “I love this stuff. I really hope the Rift doesn't stop us from having fun,” he said as he emptied the bag with the vinegar, paper towels, and extra food coloring.
“Damn it Jack, why did you do that?” Owen chucked a blue peep out of the package he had found and opened in the third bag from Tesco. He chicked it straight at Jack's head.
“What did I do,” Jack said as he caught the peep and bit off the head. “OOoo... yummy!”
Tosh rolled her eyes as she started to lay newspaper and paper towels out on the counter. “You mentioned the Rift. Knock on wood before what you said happens, because, just our luck it will!”
Jack pouted, but he came over and loudly rapped his knuckles on the counter, then grabbed the stack of newspaper from Tosh's hands and began spreading it across the counter.
Gwen came up behind him and put down paper towels over the newspaper. "God help us if Ianto sees us spilling any dye on the counter!"
Tosh then followed her, putting the mugs down in strategic spots on top of the paper towels, placing a small bronze looking dipper next to each cup. "Oh pish, then he should be down here helping instead of having a snippy fit."
Owen swallowed the mass of Peeps he had been chewing on, as he checked his watch. "First batch is done! Ugh!" He grunted as he moved the pot under the spigot and starting running the cold water over the finished eggs.
Tosh neatly sorted out the egg colors and deposited them in each mug as Gwen grabbed the vinegar and put some in with the wads of tablets. Owen pushed Jack out of the way as he moved the eggs to dry on the side counter and started the next batch.
"Can I help?" Jack said pouting.
Tosh handed Jack a small spoon. "Here, let the tablets fizz a little bit, then start stirring. Make sure the tablets are fully dissolved," she explained.
Jack stood over the mugs, staring at the bubbling colour tablets. Owen rolled his eyes and wished for a camera as he turned on the burner for the next batch of eggs.
Gwen ran out of the room and returned a few minutes later with a small folding table and started to cover it with newspapers and place a couple of large trays on top, laying paper towels out on the trays.
"You put so little vinegar in here, Gwen, is that right?" Jack asked as he carefully stirred the mug with blue tablets in it.
"We'll be adding water in a moment, be patient Jack," Tosh said. "First those tablets need to dissolve."
Meanwhile, back in the tourist office, Ianto had finished his coffee and was reclining in the chair, watching the computer screen and the CCTV of the Hub. Part of him wanted to join them, and try to recapture his youth, but they had to understand. Yvonne wanted to get involved with the public and look at what had happened.
He picked up a small plastic egg, and filled it with Hershey's kisses, meaning to leave it for Jack. Promises of later. Maybe he could convince him the Easter Bunny was here. Of course, the last time they pretended the Easter Bunny visited, which was just last night, Jack had worked those ears into a place on Ianto that would have made the bunny prefer to go earless.
Ianto turned back to the screen and watched.
Meanwhile, back in the Hub, Owen was nearing finishing the eggs and Gwen had filled the rest of the cups with water and the dye was ready. Tosh plucked up a wax crayon and drew an invisible design on one egg and then dunked it.
Jack watched Tosh carefully and his eyes grew like saucers when she pulled the egg out of the dye and there was a design on it. "How did you do that?" he asked.
Tosh smiled and handed him a crayon. "You draw your design on the egg, careful, you don't want to break the shell, then that keeps the dye from getting on that part of the egg."
Jack happily drew a design and dropped his egg in the blue dye. Meanwhile Owen was dipping an egg half in the red dye, and Gwen was plopping several eggs in different cups.
Meanwhile, Ianto, upstairs, zoomed in when Jack pulled his first egg out of the cup and nearly spit out his coffee when he saw what Jack had drawn. It had been a bad idea to compliment Jack's penis drawings last week.
Meanwhile, back in the Hub, Gwen finally got the color to retreat from her face after shouting at Jack about what was inappropriate for small children to go picking up on the Plass. Owen finished boiling the seventh batch of eggs and chuckled at the group as he scarfed down a Cadbury cream egg in one gulp.
Jack started making a lot of blue eggs. Blue eggs. blue eggs and more blue eggs. "I really like this color!"
"Gee, you think," Owen replied snarkily as he dipped another egg in a red and then orange, making stripes. "I can't see how that is," he said as he looked at Jack's blue shirt, blue pants and blue vest.
Gwen moved the eggs to the side and let them dry, separate but not far. She moved over by the espresso machine and turned it on, hoping to make some coffee for all of them.
Meanwhile, up in the tourist office, Ianto spotted Gwen touching the espresso machine and decided that was it, he had to intervene. He quickly put up the "Closed until further notice" sign and locked the Tourist office, racing his way back to the Hub. He skidded to a halt in the kitchenette moments later and shooed Gwen away from the espresso machine.
"Ianto! Come to join us finally?" Jack asked happily. "Help me make more blue eggs?"
Ianto tried to not hurt himself rolling his eyes for the umpteenth time that day. "No. I came to make you all coffee before the espresso machine exploded on you."
He checked over the machine and shot Gwen a death glare. He was going to consult Dante later that night about what kind of hell to set up for Gwen Elizabeth Cooper.
"Jack, isn't that enough blue for the moment," Gwen said encouragingly, trying to ignore the looks she kept getting from Ianto. The looks were so intense it was a surprise that her hair did not randomly burst into flames.
"Blue eggs... blue balls, same difference to him," Owen muttered.
"NO," Jack admonished, "these are more fragile."
Gwen started stacking the finished eggs in a basket and then handed them to Jack. "Here, put these someplace safe in the Hub."
Jack took the eggs and stood there thinking a moment.
"Just put them in the Tourist Office, on the back desk. They'll be safe there," Ianto snapped, a little exasperated.
Jack grinned. "Okay!" He started to walk toward the cog door when they heard a loud screech.
Gwen ran out of the kitchenette first, since she was closest to the door, just in time to see Myfanwy swooping down with her eye on some eggs. Jack held up an arm to try and fend the pterodactyl off, and nearly dropped the basket. Gwen ran over and snatched the basket from him and ran it back to the kitchen.
"Jack?" Owen ran to help Jack, who was now bleeding profusely from massive bite marks on his arm.
Owen grabbed up the towel Gwen had dropped and pressed it to the wounds.
"I knew this was a bad idea from the beginning," Ianto said. "Told you so."
"Ow, ow, why me?" Jack winced as Owen dragged him towards the medical bay.
Ianto glared at Gwen. "Happy now?" Forget Dante, he would just open an IM with Beelzabub later.
"I'll put them away," Tosh said, placing a towel over the basket and headed out the cog door.
Gwen stared at Ianto, then burst into tears and ran off toward the Tourist Office, on Tosh's heels. Ianto groaned, trying to ignore the guilty feeling that was creeping up on him.
Over in the autopsy bay, Owen was trying to get Jack to sit still while he assessed the damage that had been done by Myfanwy. Jack, of course, was being his usual bad patient self.
Ianto walked in and stood at the railing. "Jack, will you behave!?" he snapped.
"What do I get in return," Jack asked, making kissy lips at Ianto.
"NOT IN AUTOPSY!" Owen smacked down the antiseptic onto Jack's arm.
Jack winced and then pouted again. Ianto sighed and stalked down the steps. It was then that Owen seemed to notice they were both wearing vests.
"Great, I have the fucking Bobsey twins. That's it!" Owen finished up and walked out, back to the eggs, muttering something about twins and never again as he dug a gummy carrot out of the back pocket of his jeans and chewed on it.
Jack shrugged and leered at Ianto. "So, now that he's gone, wanna have some fun in here?"
Ianto shook his head. "No. Not in here. Go finish your damn eggs and maybe I'll be nice later." Ianto stalked out of autopsy, went into the kitchen and quickly poured a tray full of coffee, then tripped his security switch on the espresso machine before heading back to the Tourist Office to sulk.
Meanwhile, back in the Hub, Jack sat in autopsy for a couple of minutes and pouted, then headed back into the kitchen.
Jack picked up an egg and tossed it into a cup of dye. It made a loud crack and splooshed dye all over the place. Owen whirled around and was wide-eyed at Jack.
"Are you doing this on purpose?" Owen rushed over, grabbing a wad of paper towels and wiped down the cream colored counter before the dye could stain it.
"Sorry Owen," Jack said. "Maybe you should punish me?"
"No, Jack, quit getting your teaboy fantasies out on me!"
Jack glared at him and then ran off to his office.
Owen rolled his eyes and emptied out the kettle from the latest batch. Owen placed the next batch of eggs into the kettle and started cooking. He began to grumble about how his mother used to make him do stuff like this all the time. He ripped open a second package of peeps, purple ones this time, and shoved two in his mouth, chewing away.
Tosh walked back in and packed up a second basket of finished eggs
"Owen, is everything okay?"
"Wat mik u se dat?"
"You have been chowing down... never mind. But if you wanted to use your mouth, I have other ideas," Tosh said.
Owen swallowed down the peeps in surprise. "Excuse me?"
"Nothing," Tosh said and walked out with the basket.
Meanwhile, later, back in the tourist office, Ianto looked at the clock and saw that it was after midnight. He checked the CCTV and saw that no one was in the kitchenette and no one had left past him. He walked down to the Hub and walked in to see Tosh and Owen passed out on the couch, their heads propped up against each other, and Gwen was sprawled out in Owen's chair. Meanwhile, Jack was stretched out on the stairs and looked at Ianto as he came in.
Jack held up his hand. "It's all blue Yan, what do I do?"
Ianto sighed. He didn't answer right away, just went and pulled out a blanket from one of Tosh's desk drawers and laid it over Tosh and Owen, then pulled out a second blanket from another desk drawer and laid it over Gwen. Finally he grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him up, dragging him to the showers.
"Come on, Jack, let's get you cleaned up."
Jack grinned and followed Ianto happily. "Happy Easter, Ianto!"
After cleaning up Jack and then playing Easter "Egg" hunt themselves, Ianto dressed in a black suit with a magenta shirt and blue tie. Ianto went upstairs about half past six in the morning and made sure all the eggs were ready for the people that were coming to pick them up. He hated to disappoint the kids.
He said “hi” and exchanged pleasantries with the older men, and as soon as they left he put the security system on alert and put the "closed" sign on the door. He headed back downstairs where Tosh was beginning to stir. She opened her eyes and looked at Ianto.
"Good morning Ianto," she said. Then she looked at him surprised and saw Owen next to her and removed the blanket from on top of her and Owen. During the night Owen had moved and was holding tight to her big... well...
Ianto turned away with a smile. "Morning Tosh, I'll get the coffee started." He headed into the kitchenette, leaving Tosh to extricate herself from Owen's grip.
Ianto started steaming some fresh milk for a really foamy cappuccino when Jack ambled into the kitchenette. Jack let out a big yawn and put his hands on Ianto's shoulders, his braces hanging down, a white t-shirt tight against his chest.
"You did a good thing yesterday not killing Gwen. She meant well." Jack began to run his fingers down Ianto's arms and up to his hands, putting his fingers over the ones that gripped the steaming pitcher.
"I thought you would have stopped her Jack," Ianto said, ignoring him as he pulled the espresso shots and deposited them in the mug he had grabbed from the cabinet.
Jack began to nuzzle against Ianto's ear. "She already agreed to it, and I hate to disappoint those kids. They will be experiencing enough strange things in their lifetimes." Jack started kissing Ianto's neck and nipped at his vein. He then pulled back, forcefully turned Ianto around, and swooped in, devouring Ianto's mouth, kissing him intensely.
"Ahem, busy again," Owen said as he stumbled into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He rooted around and pulled out a hunk of carrot cake.
Ianto looked over at Owen and raised an eyebrow. "Hungry?"
Owen just glared at him and chewed. "Is that for me?" he asked, mouth full of food, pointing to the mug.
Ianto sighed. "Fine." He shoved the mug at Owen and started making another mug.
Jack put his arms around Ianto's waist and pulled the other man close, holding his crotch to Ianto’s ass. He continued ignoring Ianto trying to get loose so he could make coffee. "Coffee for me too?" he whispered in Ianto's ear.
Ianto worked to exude his annoyance physically. "Not if you don't let go so I can make it!"
Jack reluctantly let go of Ianto, letting his hand trail along Ianto's ass, cupping the one cheek, before he patted it and turned away, leaning against the back railing, one foot propped up.
Ianto could feel Jack watching his backside as he made another mug for himself and sipped on it as he prepared Tosh's with chocolate drizzle and one for Jack. He then made a no foam decaf latte for Gwen.
"Thank you so much Ianto, I love you," Tosh said as she walked into the kitchenette and he handed her the mug and she sipped and savored it.
"Not a problem." Ianto handed Jack his cup and then took a deep drag of his own brew.
Gwen had just stumbled into the kitchenette, looking at the mugs of coffee and then at Ianto. Owen handed her the remaining mug. She took a sip and made a face, but did not say anything. She looked at her watch and sighed. "The little sweethearts should be right in the thick of their Easter egg hunt, and I need to get home. We are supposed to meet Rhys' aunt in Aberyswyth for brunch."
Just then the Rift alarm sounded and Tosh ran down the stairs to her workstation. She checked the computer. "Jack! We have a problem. Major Rift disturbance right above us on the Plass!"
Jack gulped down the rest of his mug and ran to Tosh's station, pulling his braces up over his shoulders as he ran. "What is it?"
Tosh pulled up the Plass CCTV and gaped at the screen. "Uh, it appears to be a giant Peep."
Ianto came up behind Tosh and stared at the screen. "We're not going to have to deal with Gozer the Gozarian this afternoon, are we?" he deadpanned.
Tosh just groaned as Jack looked at Ianto confused. Tosh turned back to the computer. "I don't know but we still have kids upstairs looking for Easter eggs about to get splooged by a giant yellow chick."
"Oh shit," Gwen muttered dropping the mug on a nearby counter, splashing coffee all over the place.
"Oh look, miss potty mouth." Owen finished off his coffee and wiped a couple of cake crumbs off his chin.
"We have to help those kids Jack," Gwen said as she hurried down by Tosh's computer.
"I thought we might just let them be eaten and then pooped out like little balls of white cu-"
"Don't even go there Jack," Ianto warned.
"What do we do Jack?" Gwen asked.
Jack stared at the CCTV image. "Okay, first we need to get the kids out of danger. Gwen, Owen, you are in charge of coordinating with the parents and anyone else up there to get them all inside the Millennium Centre. Ianto, let Myfanwy out of her cage. Tosh, you are our eyes and ears, keep us informed of where this thing is. Now...where did I leave the barbecue sauce?"
Owen grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and tossed Gwen hers. "We're on it."
Tosh nodded. "As always. Be careful Jack!"
Jack flashed blinding white teeth at her. "I always am!"
Ianto rolled his eyes. "Meet you up top sir?"
Jack nodded. "See you in five."
Ianto walked up the two staircases and then climbed up the straight ladder to a small corridor/catwalk that led to Myfanwy's cage. He bent down to walk across the catwalk, swearing that if he wanted to he could walk on his knees and still hit his head against the ceiling.
He could hear Myfanwy screeching having picked up his scent a while back. Her beak poked out through the bars. He clucked his tongue in a specific pattern that made her step back. He moved a winch that was on the side and a small opening moved back in the ceiling above her.
"Have fun," Ianto muttered as he headed back down the cramped hallway.
Meanwhile, back on the Plass, Gwen and Owen had found one of the event's moderators and they had opened up the Millennium Centre, ushering the families into the main building.
Ianto ran out onto the Plass as a scream could be heard over the screeches. Ianto looked up in horror as the giant Peep had snatched up a child in its beak. Bloody hell, how did it get a beak?
Jack came running toward the Peep, a giant jar of brownish liquid in one hand and a flamethrower in the other. He spotted Ianto, who pointed at the Peep's beak.
"Ianto! Catch!" Jack tossed the jar of liquid to Ianto, then ran after the Peep. "Hey! Big yellow and ugly! Yeah, right here! Wanna eat me instead? Once you suck down a Harkness you never go back."
The Peep turned and opened its jaws, allowing the child to fall. Jack dropped the flamethrower, caught the marshmallow-covered kid and set him down on the ground near the fountain, then grabbed the flamethrower again and jumped up toward the Peep, which was bending down again.
The Peep caught Jack in its beak and started to chew, more like gumming him. Jack managed to call one last instruction out before being swallowed, yelling, "IANTO! Cover this thing in the barbecue sauce!"
Ianto shooed the kid towards Gwen and snatched up the jug of barbecue sauce. He started spraying and the Peep flapped out a wing at him.
"Look out Ianto!" Owen cried out and pushed Ianto out of the way, grabbing the sauce jug and latched onto the wing. He began dumping the sauce all over the Peep, climbing up its wing to the sugary back. "Go back to hell you delicious piece of fluff. I know you don't love me!"
"What the hell is he doing," Gwen shouted as she ran up to Ianto.
"I don't know, but here comes Myfanwy!" The two ducked back towards the fountain as the pterodactyl's shadow passed over them.
Myfanwy swooped down, smelling the oodles of barbecue sauce that coated the giant peep. She screeched, and Ianto almost imagined she was saying "Is that for me!?"
Meanwhile, Jack was completely coated in marshmallow now, having been swallowed and slid down to, he imagined, about the middle of the Peep. He took a moment to be grateful that he hadn't had a chance to throw on his greatcoat, he didn't think marshmallow came out of wool too easily.
His downward motion slowed and he tried to unglue one hand from the flamethrower so as to turn it on. "Take this fluff boy!" he shouted, turning the flame on and igniting the marshmallow.
The flame started to sputter and smolder inside the overgrown floppy marzipan. Jack boosted the power and a small flame spewed forth, melting the gelatinous substance into a goo that was starting to really warm up.
"This might not have been really thought out," Jack muttered to himself, trying to keep from being asphyxiated by the hot marshmallow.
Meanwhile, back on the Peep's back, riding it like a bucking bronco, Owen held on tight, emptying the barbecue sauce container all over the yellow back. Suddenly he felt his grip give way as the Peep got hot under him and began to slide down it's back as it molted.
Owen landed on the Plass with a thump and looked up to see Myfanwy chowing down on a gooey conglomeration of her barbecue sauce, melted marshmallow and caramelized sugar.
Just then, a gooey lump slid out of the burning behind of the Peep and landed right on Owen. Owen tried to shove the gooey mass off of him so he could breathe but succeeded only in getting himself covered in more goo.
The two masses became conjoined, rolling around, picking up detritus from the Plass as Myfanwy dived in again, ripping off the Peep's right side of it's face.
"Hopefully she kills it, I would hate to see that thing parading as Phantom of the Opera," Ianto quipped as he and Gwen ran over to Owen and Jack.
"Get your bloody big ass off me you bloody git!" Owen tried to kick Jack's splooge off of himself but failed. "Fuck you!'
"Give me the date and I'll be there," Jack retorted.
"There are children around," Gwen admonished them.
"Tosh, open the lift," Ianto said into his earpiece as he pulled out a pair of gloves and started rolling the JackOwen ball of goo towards the invisible lift.
"What the hell are you doen uf tibo!" Owen's mouth was glazed over with goo.
Ianto smiled as he reached the fountain. "Tosh can help clean you off while we clear up the mess in the Plass." He shoved the conjoined pair onto the lift and slid his hands out of the gloves, which were now glued to Owen's backside.
Ianto took a step back and then called over his comm, "Tosh, bring them down!"
The lift began moving downstairs with a jerk, and Ianto smiled as he watched the mound of goo with Jack and Owen encased in it disappear before he headed back to where Myfanwy was happily munching on the remains of the Peep.
"So, Ianto, what's going on now?" Gwen asked. "Do we just let Myfanwy eat all of that?"
"I say yes, but I am not cleaning out her cage for a week." Ianto looked around the Plass.
"Won't the Hub start to smell," Gwen stated.
"Not after you clean out her cage. She likes lavender scented potpourri." Ianto walked around the fountain to a small control room and pulled a silver card key out of his wallet and swiped it across the console.
"What are you doing?"
"Clean-up. Someone has to," Ianto said as he gave Gwen one of his most high-arched eyebrow looks ever. Ianto stepped into the small control room and flipped a couple of switches and suddenly the fountain was spraying hot water across the Plass, chasing Myfanwy away and watering down the stones.
Gwen watched the sight in awe. "But where is all that marshmallow going to go?"
Ianto looked at where the water was spraying. "Looks like it will collect up against the stones there. Perhaps you should get a shovel and a bag."
Ianto could hear Tosh's delicate snort from the other end of the comms.
"ME?" Gwen asked.
"I am busy trying to coax Myfanwy to head back to her cage," Ianto explained, producing a large dark chocolate bar from a pocket of his suit jacket and heading toward a very disappointed pterodactyl.
Gwen glared at his backside and went toward the tourist office to get cleaning supplies.
Ianto turned slowly and led Myfanwy, hopping foot to foot over to the hidden access for her cage. He tossed the chocolate bar into the abscess in the stonework and stepped back as she dove down for it. Pulling a remote control out of his other pocket, Ianto closed the gate on Myfanwy.
Ianto took the back entrance into the Hub so he wouldn't run into Gwen as he watched the families start to venture out from the Millennium Centre building. He hurried down the stairs, his shoes flapping against the metal and came out behind Tosh's desk.
"What did you do with them Tosh," Ianto looking for the creamy, white goo that was Ow-ack.
"Pushed them into the fountain. Owen must be part cat, or he just hates taking baths," she said, a chuckle escaping her lips.
Suddenly a scream could be heard form the medical bay. Ianto hurried over and looked down to see Owen going towards Jack with a REALLY LONG scalpel.
"What are you doing?"
"Someone 'accidentally' got his mouth plastered shut with burnt marshmallow! We work for such a brilliant man. Oi! SIT DOWN!"
Jack looked at Ianto with fear in his eyes for once.
Ianto tried very hard to suppress his laughter and told Jack, "You'd better listen to the Doctor. I know how much you like to use your mouth and if you move he may mess up."
Jack shot his best upset and pouting look Ianto's way and sat down.
Owen rolled his eyes. "Finally. Sit still." He carefully carved away the burnt marshmallow, catching it in his free hand and tossing it onto a nearby instrument tray.
Jack grinned as soon as his mouth was free. "Much better, thanks Owen!" He jumped up, and in the blink of an eye stripped off his marshmallow coated clothes and streaked off across the Hub.
Owen shook his head. "Git." He grabbed the burnt marshmallow and started to munch on it while Ianto gathered up the marshmallow-covered clothes and left the medical bay.
Ianto passed by Tosh. "Is everything okay upstairs?"
"Looks like Gwen is nearly done shoveling the goo." Ianto noticed Tosh saving the CCTV file to her hard drive.
"Then take Owen and get out. Go home, enjoy," Ianto said as he dumped Jack's clothes into a nearby wastebasket. "And take Gwen with you."
Ianto continued up to Jack's office and found him sitting in his chair, legs up on the desk and spread open, leaving nothing to the imagination. Well, the only thing he left to the imagination was just how he had perfectly hollowed out that chocolate bunny that quickly to sit on his carrot.
"Did you send them home," Jack asked.
"On their way," Ianto said as he popped the bunny off its special stand and continued to eat the ass out of it. He shoved Jack towards his hole and picked up the phone. "I will be right there." Once Jack's head had disappeared into the hole as Ianto had directed, Ianto made his phone call. As the person on the other end answered, he smiled.
"Hello, yes, good morning Mr. Wonka. This is Mr. Jones and the pterodactyl, thank you for the help this morning teaching my co-worker a lesson. The thing you asked for will be there in the morning."
Ianto then hung up the phone and slipped out of his suit, folding it neatly and placing the stack of clothes on Jack's chair. He then climbed down Jack's hole.
After a very strenuous night of thoroughly cleaning off every inch of Jack from every last bit of Peep fluff, Ianto gave his tongue a rest and sneaked back into the Hub and logged onto the system and put through the delivery to the Wonka factory to be delivered at half past ten tomorrow morning by Harwood's Haulage.
"Yan!" Jack's voice beckoned for him to get back in his hole.
The END!