Present
Title: Present
Verse: Further Interruptions
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: Roy/Ed
Summary: Roy backed away from the door as subtly as he could so that Ed wouldn’t know he’d been heard. He waited for Ed to come out, but after a few minutes Roy was still alone in the hallway. He slowly looked in and saw Ed, back in the rocker, with his head in his hands. He could see from the way his body moved that he was still crying. It broke something in him to see it, as if the rest of the night hadn’t shattered him already.
It wasn’t enough to go to him. It wasn’t enough to hold him and press kisses to his temple and apologize. Ed needed so much more and he deserved even more than that.
Author's Note: So, we saw Ed's POV. How about that same night from Roy's POV?
It was a simple enough desire. Go home, kiss his children, spend a little time relaxing with his husband, then get a full night’s sleep.
Roy let out a bitter laugh at that. He might as well be asking for the moon. What he was likely to get was a tongue lashing for sneaking into twins’ room since they were probably already asleep. Ed would get pissed that he was going to wake them, even though they never stirred when Roy went to kiss them good night. Ed would be too wound up to relax so, if he was lucky, Ed would go do some research in the study and Roy could take a book to read and at least be in the same room with him. The last few nights, he hadn’t even gotten that. Last night Ed had already been in bed asleep before Roy came home. The night before that, Ed had pushed him out of the study and told him to stop distracting him when Roy had dared to try to kiss him. Both nights, they’d been woken by the twins who seemed to have this uncanny thing where they took turns waking up in the middle of the night.
Roy was exhausted from sitting in meetings all day and having his opinion and experiences second guessed by men who hadn’t been there and didn’t know the first thing about Ishval or the Promised Day. Men who wanted to ride on the coattails of better men and didn’t know how to think for themselves.
Not to mention Grumman had increased Roy’s workload, which was to be expected as he made it more and more clear that Roy was his chosen successor, but it was the worst possible time. Roy was barely making it through his work as it was. He had no idea how to take on more responsibility and make it home in the evening. He knew other men who routinely stayed in the officer’s rooms in the barracks, but he’d never see his husband and children if he did.
He let out a deep sigh as he let himself in the front door. The house smelled good, like warm bread and stew. If he hadn’t eaten between meetings tonight, he’d head to the kitchen first but he wasn’t in the mood for food. What he really wanted was a drink, but he wasn’t in a good place in his head and he wasn’t about to touch a bottle anywhere near Fullmetal tonight.
Instead he decided to see if his husband was in the living room. He hoped the twins were still awake just so he could see them for a few moments before bed, but there was little chance that they’d remained up this late. No matter how much he wanted to hold them.
What he found in the front room was a disaster. Toys everywhere, burp rags and blankets tossed in every way. He was too tired to deal with this. He’d only gotten three hours of sleep last night, he’d had to be at the office early for his first meeting that turned into a long day of meetings. He’d never gotten lunch, had barely had time to eat the sandwich Havoc had gotten him from the cafeteria for dinner, and then he’d had to stay late to do the paperwork and reports that had accumulated during his meetings.
And now he had come home, no kids in sight, no husband in sight, to a landmine in his living room. He started to grumble under his breath as he made his way through the mess.
“Fuck!” he yelled at a sharp pain in his right foot. “What the hell is that?” he sat heavily on the couch and pulled his foot up to see if he was bleeding. He looked at the floor to see that he’d stepped on a mini toy tool set Winry had bought the twins. He always worried that one of the kids would get hurt on it. Of course he was the one who would get impaled by it.
“Are you okay?”
He hadn’t heard Ed come into the room, but he stood up, too angry to stay still. He knew it wasn’t Ed’s fault but he was so damn tired and frustrated and he just wanted to relax. “No, I’m really not,” Roy said as he looked up at Ed. “Is it really too much to ask that I can actually come home after being gone all day and just sit and relax for a minute without being assaulted by toys?”
“Feel free to lend a hand any time. I’m not the only one that knows how to pick up a toy and drop it in the box, you know.”
“No, but I would expect you could at least do that since you’re home all day with nothing else to do. You barely work, from what Armstrong said in our meeting today, and you can’t even keep the toys off the floor?”
It was a low blow and not a fair comment at all. No one, not a single person in the military, had been able to crack the code Ed was working on and Armstrong had been impressed that Ed had made any headway at all. Roy knew Ed though, and he knew that after a couple days he should have finished already, if he wasn’t torn in so many directions. He couldn’t keep his mouth shut tonight though.
“I am not your damn maid!” Ed yelled.
“No, you’re my fucking husband and I expect you to at least try!”
“Fuck you!” Ed yelled again as he turned out of the room.
“Where are you going?” Roy demanded. He followed Ed because they never walked away from a fight. This was different though. This was… they were both tired, he knew that. When Ed stepped into his boots Roy could feel the threads of panic settling into his bones. Ed couldn’t mean to leave. He wouldn’t leave. He had a ring on his finger, a damn promise not to. But he was leaving. “Where the hell are you going?” Roy demanded again.
Ed threw the closet door open to grab his coat and it slammed against the wall. “I’m getting the hell away from you!”
Roy was shocked still by the words, by the fear of Ed leaving before he noticed Ed had gone motionless also. Then he heard one of the twins crying. Ed turned to look at him and his eyes narrowed and his lips tightened into a white line as he grew even more angry.
“I can’t even fucking leave because if I do you’ll just sit here staring at the door, waiting for me to come back and deal with this,” Ed said, pissed. “I haven’t left the house in weeks and I can’t get five goddamn minutes for myself. Winry’s going to laugh herself sick when she hears about this. Held captive because my goddamn husband can’t deal with crying babies!”
Ed slammed the closet door shut and kicked off his boots before he went up the stairs, complaining the whole way. Roy pressed a hand to the wall and leaned on it a few minutes with his eyes closed, trying to regain his composure.
Ed wasn’t leaving him. He was such an idiot. Ed just needed some time and Roy was an ass. He just … he needed some time too. He needed to be with his family and he needed to be with his husband and there wasn’t enough time in the day to make it work. He didn’t know what to do.
He’d had lunch with Gracia a week ago and she had planted an idea in his head, but he wasn’t sure. He’d spent the last week, lying awake in bed, trying to decide if it would help or not. He still didn’t know. He wished he’d had the time and talked to Ed about it.
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He needed to apologize to Ed. He just … he didn’t mean to lose his temper and yell. He certainly didn’t mean to imply that Ed wasn’t good enough at … anything. Ed was amazing and Roy couldn’t believe he’d, for even a single moment, let Ed think otherwise.
He walked slowly up the stairs, gathering his courage. What he found, instead of an angry man on the verge of breaking walls, was a devoted father, rocking his child.
“You know I love you buddy,” Ed said softly to his son as he stroked his back, “but maybe you could cut your old man a little slack, huh? Kinda been a long week, huh? I’m so grateful you and Tishy are finally over that bug. Can’t believe Adriana’s mom brought her to the park sick like that and didn’t say anything.”
Roy thought about going in but he was afraid to wake Maes by stepping in and even more afraid of breaking the spell of tranquility in the room.
“Sorry I’ve been crabby today,” Ed continued. “I haven’t been sleeping well. When you woke up last night I couldn’t go back to sleep so I tried to get some work done. I think I was too tired to crack the code, or maybe I just can’t do it. Everyone thinks I’m a genius at this sort of thing, but breaking someone’s personal code is much harder than figuring out their alchemy. That’s the part I’m good at. But I ended up staying up all night when I should have gone back to bed.”
Roy didn’t know that Ed had stayed up, nor that he doubted his ability to do what Armstrong had asked him too. It was eye opening to hear him speaking to Maes this way.
“Since I was up, I made your Dad’s favorite breakfast, but he never even noticed,” Ed said softly.
Roy could hear the thickness of his voice and he knew the sound. He wanted to kick himself for running out so early that morning. Ed hadn’t known he had an early meeting because he’d already been asleep when Roy got home last night.
“It’s okay because you certainly enjoyed it, didn’t you? If the way you stained your new pajamas bright blue with blueberry mashed into it is anything to go by. Maybe I can ask Gracia to come by next week. Get some pointers on how to get you to eat cleaner, like your Dad does. He’s so damned good at it,” Ed said.
And Roy heard the sob. And he saw the tears that started to fall down his husband’s face.
“I just fucking miss him, okay? We’re both tired and cranky but we love you and we love each other and we’ll find a way through, but I miss my husband and I miss being with him and I miss having time for all four of us to be together too. And I’m not complaining about his work because I know better than anyone what he’s working for and what he’s up against. What he’s doing is so important, Maes,” Ed said softly. “So we’re gonna support that, you and me and Tishy. He’s someone to be proud of, you know? Just like he’s so proud of you and Tishy. I’m trying to be as good as him. Better than my father was. More like my mom. Like his mom and dad, what he remembers of them. More like your namesake, because your Dad’s best friend was an amazing father. So just give me a little slack now and then, okay, because this isn’t as easy as it looks.” Ed kissed Maes’s temple then. “Your Daddy loves you so much. And so do I. Try to let us get some sleep tonight, little man. Okay?”
Roy backed away from the door as subtly as he could so that Ed wouldn’t know he’d been heard. He waited for Ed to come out, but after a few minutes Roy was still alone in the hallway. He slowly looked in and saw Ed, back in the rocker, with his head in his hands. He could see from the way his body moved that he was still crying. It broke something in him to see it, as if the rest of the night hadn’t shattered him already.
It wasn’t enough to go to him. It wasn’t enough to hold him and press kisses to his temple and apologize. Ed needed so much more and he deserved even more than that.
Instead, Roy moved away slowly and went into the bedroom. He bypassed everything and went into the master bath. Once there he started the water. He pulled out two towels and set them aside before he set a wash cloth within easy reach. He checked the water temperature and found the small stash of oils he kept. He lightly sprinkled oils in the water, just enough to make the room smell light and fresh.
He lit a few candles, not to give a romantic feel but for the more practical reason of keeping the lights low. He turned off the water then and stepped out of the bathroom to head back to the nursery. Ed was right where he’d left him. When Roy came in, Ed looked up, his eyes weary but tears were still wet on his cheeks. He didn’t say anything, couldn’t for fear of waking the twins, but that was perhaps better. Roy had already said enough tonight.
He held his hand out to Ed and, after a moment’s hesitation his husband took it. Roy pulled him to his feet and they walked out of the nursery together. Ed was clearly surprised when Roy led him to the bedroom. He directed Ed back towards the bed and began to unbutton his shirt when Ed’s eyes hardened and he grabbed Roy’s hands. “I’m not in the mood tonight,” Ed said icily.
“Trust me, please?” Roy pleaded. It was too much but Ed had always given more than he should and Roy hoped tonight he would allow Roy to earn just a little of that back.
Ed was still wary but he nodded once and dropped his hands. Roy didn’t rush undressing his husband but he didn’t linger the way he would have if they were lovemaking. When he was done, he pulled Ed towards the bath.
“What is this?” Ed demanded as they walked in. He wasn’t very fond of romantic gestures like this, but this had nothing to do with romance.
“Please, let me take care of you,” Roy said softly. He watched Ed struggle and then his husband took a step closer and dropped his head to Roy’s shoulder. Roy closed his eyes and, as much as he wanted to press kisses into his skin or pull his beautiful hair loose and bury himself in it, he just gave Ed the moment to regain his composure.
Without words, Roy helped him step into the water and watched as Ed closed his eyes and relaxed into the steaming bathwater. After a few minutes, Roy moved closer to the tub and sat beside it. “I can leave if you want to be alone, or I could wash your hair,” he offered.
Ed opened his eyes and let out a deep breath. Roy could almost see the tension leave his body with that. “I’d like you to stay.”
Roy smiled softly at the admission. Ed wasn’t always very good at confessing what he needed. He couldn’t say he wanted to be pampered, but he could admit he wanted Roy there. Some nights, Roy was smart enough to fill in the dots.
He rolled up his sleeves and Ed sat up, pulling his knees up in the tub and wrapping his arms around his legs. Roy worked his hair free of his ponytail and began to slowly work water into his hair before he added shampoo. He massaged Ed’s scalp and took his time to work the lather in well before he had Ed sit back and began to rinse his hair out. He continued to work until his hair was clean and Ed’s whole body was relaxed.
There was a reason Roy loved Ed’s hair so much and they both knew it. So long ago, he’d explained to Ed, to his Gold, how his curtain of hair had held off the nightmares and helped him find strength in the dark nights. Maybe Ed needed a reminder of why he loved the rest of him as well.
He took the wash cloth from the side of the tub and rubbed soap into it until there was a good lather, then he began to rub Ed’s arms. Softly, he began to speak.
“When you showed up in Central, these were a weapon,” he said as he worked the soap into Ed’s flesh arm, then moved around to clean his automail as well. “You were so strong and by the age of 12 you were already lethal. The first time I saw you transmute your automail into a blade I felt so much terror for you because I knew that the path before you was filled with blood but I also knew you would find your way through it. When you came back to me, came back to my bed, I loved your arms because they were strong enough to keep me safe. To make me feel, for the first time, that I could relax and let someone else hold me close without fear. That paled though, to how much I loved seeing you hold our children in your arms for the first time. And every time since. No matter what happens, you pick them up and everything is alright for them because Father has them and they are so very loved in these arms.”
“Roy…”
Roy pulled Ed’s leg up so that his ankle was resting on the side of the tub. He ran the cloth over it and began again before Ed could interrupt him.
“When we met you only had one leg, and yet I knew you would run again one day. And you traveled and you explored and when you came back, I loved these legs because they brought you back to me, even when I didn’t deserve you. But what I love most about these legs is that they just keep going. No matter how tired you get or how beatdown you are, you just get back up and keep traveling this path that you set for yourself, this path with me and the kids. I love that you let me come along for this journey.”
He finished with Ed’s legs and he pulled at Ed until his husband was sitting up again. “I remember seeing you for the first time, in the wheelchair and wondering how such a small backbone could carry such a weight. It would surely snap under the pressure, but when I looked in your eyes, I knew that was wrong. I came to admire how much you carried, Ed, because the weight of the world wasn’t enough to crush you back then. And I loved the way you carried my weight too when I was too weak to be the man I should have been, and I was inspired to try to be stronger myself. I see it even more now, watching you carry the weight of our family, too much on your own since the twins have come to us. I love you for carrying us, when I have been too blind to see that you were.”
“Roy, stop.”
He pulled around to look at Ed and he slowly wiped at the tears on Ed’s face. “The first time I looked into your eyes, I feared it was too late. I feared that what you had seen had already taken the joy of the world from you. You proved me so wrong, just moments later. When I saw you in Central for the first time, I remember thinking there was so much fire in you, even the Flame Alchemist couldn’t tame it. When you came back to me, you were weary and wary but I could see the hope and I loved these eyes so much because it fed the hope in my own heart. It was nothing,” he said as he cupped Ed’s face in his hands. He had tears in his own eyes but he didn’t try to hide them. “nothing, like the love I have seen when you held your daughter and son in your arms. Nothing like the love I see every time you look at me. Because even at your most angry, your most terrifying, there is so much love in you that it eclipses everything else.”
“Bastard,” Ed whispered.
“I love you so damn much, Gold, and I am so sorry that I haven’t been the man I need to be right now.”
He didn’t expect his confession to earn him a very naked, very wet husband in his lap, or the wave of water that crashed over the edge of the tub at Ed’s hasty exit, but he couldn’t care less about that. What he cared about was his arms full of the man he loved.
Ed’s lips were on his and Roy had his hands in Ed’s hair, holding him close and deepening the kiss. They stayed like that a few minutes before Ed began to peel Roy’s wet clothes from his body. They managed to make it to bed and Roy took his time to press kisses and love bites over his lover’s body. They made love soft and slow and Roy could barely look away from Ed’s eyes, even when his own climax threatened to overwhelm him.
When they were both sleepy and sated and lying in the comfort of each other’s arms, Roy ran his hands through Ed’s hair and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I was thinking about something ever since I met with Gracia for lunch last week.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to start coming home for dinner every night.”
“What? How? You can’t… Roy, you can’t stop working at 5 just because you want to come home to us.”
“I can. Mostly, anyway,” Roy said. “I would have to bring work home for later. But I could come home and have dinner with you, Maes, and Tishy. I could help out with cleaning up and bathing them and putting them to bed. Maybe even get a few minutes to relax with my husband every so often,” he said with a smile. “I’d have to do a couple hours of paperwork in the study, but I could make it work, Ed.”
“Don’t do this because of tonight, Roy.”
“I’m not. I’m doing this because I miss my family. Because you want to be better than Hohenheim, and so do I. I don’t want to be an absentee father whose children resent him for it later. If I have to work late at home, at least I’m at home and I’m not missing those moments with them. I want to be present. I’ve missed too much already.”
“You really think that could work? That’s … when are you planning on sleeping?”
Roy shook his head. “I’ve been spending half my nights wide awake anyway. I love you, Ed and I know you love me too, but neither of us had been really happy these last few months. We were on such a high when the twins arrived but reality brought us short pretty fast. What worked when we could stay up half the night, reconnecting, doesn’t work when you have children who wake you up in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning, no matter if you want to sleep in or not. Something has to change, and I’m the only part of this equation that can. We’ll make it work. At least let me try?”
Ed looked up at him with so much faith in his eyes that it made his heart stop. This feeling was what he wanted Ed to understand, what he hoped Ed felt whenever Roy looked at him too.
“Okay, but if it gets too much, I’m telling Hawkeye. She’ll make sure you stay at work until you get it done. We can handle some nights on our own. I might have been doing a shitty job tonight, but we can.”
“We were both doing a shitty job at dealing tonight,” Roy said. Ed might have been having a tough time but Roy wasn’t about to let him take all the blame. “Things are gonna get better, okay?”
Ed smiled at him and he felt automail fingers brush across his cheek. “I know they are. We should get some sleep now though. Maes woke up already. You know Tishy still needs to make her wake up call.”
Roy let out a short huff of laughter at that. “Yeah. Can’t let her little brother upstage her like that.”
Roy closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. He felt better than he had in weeks, with Ed in his arms and this closeness they’d shared tonight.
“You’re an amazing father, Roy,” Ed whispered into his skin. “They love you, no matter how distant you feel right now. We love you.”
Roy sighed and closed his eyes against the tears that threatened. Ed sighed against his neck and then yawned so hard it made Roy laugh. “Good night, Gold.”
“Hummmm,” Ed said softly as he draped a leg over Roy’s and buried his head completely in his neck, letting Roy press his nose into Ed’s hair. “Good night, Bastard.”
Verse: Further Interruptions
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: Roy/Ed
Summary: Roy backed away from the door as subtly as he could so that Ed wouldn’t know he’d been heard. He waited for Ed to come out, but after a few minutes Roy was still alone in the hallway. He slowly looked in and saw Ed, back in the rocker, with his head in his hands. He could see from the way his body moved that he was still crying. It broke something in him to see it, as if the rest of the night hadn’t shattered him already.
It wasn’t enough to go to him. It wasn’t enough to hold him and press kisses to his temple and apologize. Ed needed so much more and he deserved even more than that.
Author's Note: So, we saw Ed's POV. How about that same night from Roy's POV?
It was a simple enough desire. Go home, kiss his children, spend a little time relaxing with his husband, then get a full night’s sleep.
Roy let out a bitter laugh at that. He might as well be asking for the moon. What he was likely to get was a tongue lashing for sneaking into twins’ room since they were probably already asleep. Ed would get pissed that he was going to wake them, even though they never stirred when Roy went to kiss them good night. Ed would be too wound up to relax so, if he was lucky, Ed would go do some research in the study and Roy could take a book to read and at least be in the same room with him. The last few nights, he hadn’t even gotten that. Last night Ed had already been in bed asleep before Roy came home. The night before that, Ed had pushed him out of the study and told him to stop distracting him when Roy had dared to try to kiss him. Both nights, they’d been woken by the twins who seemed to have this uncanny thing where they took turns waking up in the middle of the night.
Roy was exhausted from sitting in meetings all day and having his opinion and experiences second guessed by men who hadn’t been there and didn’t know the first thing about Ishval or the Promised Day. Men who wanted to ride on the coattails of better men and didn’t know how to think for themselves.
Not to mention Grumman had increased Roy’s workload, which was to be expected as he made it more and more clear that Roy was his chosen successor, but it was the worst possible time. Roy was barely making it through his work as it was. He had no idea how to take on more responsibility and make it home in the evening. He knew other men who routinely stayed in the officer’s rooms in the barracks, but he’d never see his husband and children if he did.
He let out a deep sigh as he let himself in the front door. The house smelled good, like warm bread and stew. If he hadn’t eaten between meetings tonight, he’d head to the kitchen first but he wasn’t in the mood for food. What he really wanted was a drink, but he wasn’t in a good place in his head and he wasn’t about to touch a bottle anywhere near Fullmetal tonight.
Instead he decided to see if his husband was in the living room. He hoped the twins were still awake just so he could see them for a few moments before bed, but there was little chance that they’d remained up this late. No matter how much he wanted to hold them.
What he found in the front room was a disaster. Toys everywhere, burp rags and blankets tossed in every way. He was too tired to deal with this. He’d only gotten three hours of sleep last night, he’d had to be at the office early for his first meeting that turned into a long day of meetings. He’d never gotten lunch, had barely had time to eat the sandwich Havoc had gotten him from the cafeteria for dinner, and then he’d had to stay late to do the paperwork and reports that had accumulated during his meetings.
And now he had come home, no kids in sight, no husband in sight, to a landmine in his living room. He started to grumble under his breath as he made his way through the mess.
“Fuck!” he yelled at a sharp pain in his right foot. “What the hell is that?” he sat heavily on the couch and pulled his foot up to see if he was bleeding. He looked at the floor to see that he’d stepped on a mini toy tool set Winry had bought the twins. He always worried that one of the kids would get hurt on it. Of course he was the one who would get impaled by it.
“Are you okay?”
He hadn’t heard Ed come into the room, but he stood up, too angry to stay still. He knew it wasn’t Ed’s fault but he was so damn tired and frustrated and he just wanted to relax. “No, I’m really not,” Roy said as he looked up at Ed. “Is it really too much to ask that I can actually come home after being gone all day and just sit and relax for a minute without being assaulted by toys?”
“Feel free to lend a hand any time. I’m not the only one that knows how to pick up a toy and drop it in the box, you know.”
“No, but I would expect you could at least do that since you’re home all day with nothing else to do. You barely work, from what Armstrong said in our meeting today, and you can’t even keep the toys off the floor?”
It was a low blow and not a fair comment at all. No one, not a single person in the military, had been able to crack the code Ed was working on and Armstrong had been impressed that Ed had made any headway at all. Roy knew Ed though, and he knew that after a couple days he should have finished already, if he wasn’t torn in so many directions. He couldn’t keep his mouth shut tonight though.
“I am not your damn maid!” Ed yelled.
“No, you’re my fucking husband and I expect you to at least try!”
“Fuck you!” Ed yelled again as he turned out of the room.
“Where are you going?” Roy demanded. He followed Ed because they never walked away from a fight. This was different though. This was… they were both tired, he knew that. When Ed stepped into his boots Roy could feel the threads of panic settling into his bones. Ed couldn’t mean to leave. He wouldn’t leave. He had a ring on his finger, a damn promise not to. But he was leaving. “Where the hell are you going?” Roy demanded again.
Ed threw the closet door open to grab his coat and it slammed against the wall. “I’m getting the hell away from you!”
Roy was shocked still by the words, by the fear of Ed leaving before he noticed Ed had gone motionless also. Then he heard one of the twins crying. Ed turned to look at him and his eyes narrowed and his lips tightened into a white line as he grew even more angry.
“I can’t even fucking leave because if I do you’ll just sit here staring at the door, waiting for me to come back and deal with this,” Ed said, pissed. “I haven’t left the house in weeks and I can’t get five goddamn minutes for myself. Winry’s going to laugh herself sick when she hears about this. Held captive because my goddamn husband can’t deal with crying babies!”
Ed slammed the closet door shut and kicked off his boots before he went up the stairs, complaining the whole way. Roy pressed a hand to the wall and leaned on it a few minutes with his eyes closed, trying to regain his composure.
Ed wasn’t leaving him. He was such an idiot. Ed just needed some time and Roy was an ass. He just … he needed some time too. He needed to be with his family and he needed to be with his husband and there wasn’t enough time in the day to make it work. He didn’t know what to do.
He’d had lunch with Gracia a week ago and she had planted an idea in his head, but he wasn’t sure. He’d spent the last week, lying awake in bed, trying to decide if it would help or not. He still didn’t know. He wished he’d had the time and talked to Ed about it.
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He needed to apologize to Ed. He just … he didn’t mean to lose his temper and yell. He certainly didn’t mean to imply that Ed wasn’t good enough at … anything. Ed was amazing and Roy couldn’t believe he’d, for even a single moment, let Ed think otherwise.
He walked slowly up the stairs, gathering his courage. What he found, instead of an angry man on the verge of breaking walls, was a devoted father, rocking his child.
“You know I love you buddy,” Ed said softly to his son as he stroked his back, “but maybe you could cut your old man a little slack, huh? Kinda been a long week, huh? I’m so grateful you and Tishy are finally over that bug. Can’t believe Adriana’s mom brought her to the park sick like that and didn’t say anything.”
Roy thought about going in but he was afraid to wake Maes by stepping in and even more afraid of breaking the spell of tranquility in the room.
“Sorry I’ve been crabby today,” Ed continued. “I haven’t been sleeping well. When you woke up last night I couldn’t go back to sleep so I tried to get some work done. I think I was too tired to crack the code, or maybe I just can’t do it. Everyone thinks I’m a genius at this sort of thing, but breaking someone’s personal code is much harder than figuring out their alchemy. That’s the part I’m good at. But I ended up staying up all night when I should have gone back to bed.”
Roy didn’t know that Ed had stayed up, nor that he doubted his ability to do what Armstrong had asked him too. It was eye opening to hear him speaking to Maes this way.
“Since I was up, I made your Dad’s favorite breakfast, but he never even noticed,” Ed said softly.
Roy could hear the thickness of his voice and he knew the sound. He wanted to kick himself for running out so early that morning. Ed hadn’t known he had an early meeting because he’d already been asleep when Roy got home last night.
“It’s okay because you certainly enjoyed it, didn’t you? If the way you stained your new pajamas bright blue with blueberry mashed into it is anything to go by. Maybe I can ask Gracia to come by next week. Get some pointers on how to get you to eat cleaner, like your Dad does. He’s so damned good at it,” Ed said.
And Roy heard the sob. And he saw the tears that started to fall down his husband’s face.
“I just fucking miss him, okay? We’re both tired and cranky but we love you and we love each other and we’ll find a way through, but I miss my husband and I miss being with him and I miss having time for all four of us to be together too. And I’m not complaining about his work because I know better than anyone what he’s working for and what he’s up against. What he’s doing is so important, Maes,” Ed said softly. “So we’re gonna support that, you and me and Tishy. He’s someone to be proud of, you know? Just like he’s so proud of you and Tishy. I’m trying to be as good as him. Better than my father was. More like my mom. Like his mom and dad, what he remembers of them. More like your namesake, because your Dad’s best friend was an amazing father. So just give me a little slack now and then, okay, because this isn’t as easy as it looks.” Ed kissed Maes’s temple then. “Your Daddy loves you so much. And so do I. Try to let us get some sleep tonight, little man. Okay?”
Roy backed away from the door as subtly as he could so that Ed wouldn’t know he’d been heard. He waited for Ed to come out, but after a few minutes Roy was still alone in the hallway. He slowly looked in and saw Ed, back in the rocker, with his head in his hands. He could see from the way his body moved that he was still crying. It broke something in him to see it, as if the rest of the night hadn’t shattered him already.
It wasn’t enough to go to him. It wasn’t enough to hold him and press kisses to his temple and apologize. Ed needed so much more and he deserved even more than that.
Instead, Roy moved away slowly and went into the bedroom. He bypassed everything and went into the master bath. Once there he started the water. He pulled out two towels and set them aside before he set a wash cloth within easy reach. He checked the water temperature and found the small stash of oils he kept. He lightly sprinkled oils in the water, just enough to make the room smell light and fresh.
He lit a few candles, not to give a romantic feel but for the more practical reason of keeping the lights low. He turned off the water then and stepped out of the bathroom to head back to the nursery. Ed was right where he’d left him. When Roy came in, Ed looked up, his eyes weary but tears were still wet on his cheeks. He didn’t say anything, couldn’t for fear of waking the twins, but that was perhaps better. Roy had already said enough tonight.
He held his hand out to Ed and, after a moment’s hesitation his husband took it. Roy pulled him to his feet and they walked out of the nursery together. Ed was clearly surprised when Roy led him to the bedroom. He directed Ed back towards the bed and began to unbutton his shirt when Ed’s eyes hardened and he grabbed Roy’s hands. “I’m not in the mood tonight,” Ed said icily.
“Trust me, please?” Roy pleaded. It was too much but Ed had always given more than he should and Roy hoped tonight he would allow Roy to earn just a little of that back.
Ed was still wary but he nodded once and dropped his hands. Roy didn’t rush undressing his husband but he didn’t linger the way he would have if they were lovemaking. When he was done, he pulled Ed towards the bath.
“What is this?” Ed demanded as they walked in. He wasn’t very fond of romantic gestures like this, but this had nothing to do with romance.
“Please, let me take care of you,” Roy said softly. He watched Ed struggle and then his husband took a step closer and dropped his head to Roy’s shoulder. Roy closed his eyes and, as much as he wanted to press kisses into his skin or pull his beautiful hair loose and bury himself in it, he just gave Ed the moment to regain his composure.
Without words, Roy helped him step into the water and watched as Ed closed his eyes and relaxed into the steaming bathwater. After a few minutes, Roy moved closer to the tub and sat beside it. “I can leave if you want to be alone, or I could wash your hair,” he offered.
Ed opened his eyes and let out a deep breath. Roy could almost see the tension leave his body with that. “I’d like you to stay.”
Roy smiled softly at the admission. Ed wasn’t always very good at confessing what he needed. He couldn’t say he wanted to be pampered, but he could admit he wanted Roy there. Some nights, Roy was smart enough to fill in the dots.
He rolled up his sleeves and Ed sat up, pulling his knees up in the tub and wrapping his arms around his legs. Roy worked his hair free of his ponytail and began to slowly work water into his hair before he added shampoo. He massaged Ed’s scalp and took his time to work the lather in well before he had Ed sit back and began to rinse his hair out. He continued to work until his hair was clean and Ed’s whole body was relaxed.
There was a reason Roy loved Ed’s hair so much and they both knew it. So long ago, he’d explained to Ed, to his Gold, how his curtain of hair had held off the nightmares and helped him find strength in the dark nights. Maybe Ed needed a reminder of why he loved the rest of him as well.
He took the wash cloth from the side of the tub and rubbed soap into it until there was a good lather, then he began to rub Ed’s arms. Softly, he began to speak.
“When you showed up in Central, these were a weapon,” he said as he worked the soap into Ed’s flesh arm, then moved around to clean his automail as well. “You were so strong and by the age of 12 you were already lethal. The first time I saw you transmute your automail into a blade I felt so much terror for you because I knew that the path before you was filled with blood but I also knew you would find your way through it. When you came back to me, came back to my bed, I loved your arms because they were strong enough to keep me safe. To make me feel, for the first time, that I could relax and let someone else hold me close without fear. That paled though, to how much I loved seeing you hold our children in your arms for the first time. And every time since. No matter what happens, you pick them up and everything is alright for them because Father has them and they are so very loved in these arms.”
“Roy…”
Roy pulled Ed’s leg up so that his ankle was resting on the side of the tub. He ran the cloth over it and began again before Ed could interrupt him.
“When we met you only had one leg, and yet I knew you would run again one day. And you traveled and you explored and when you came back, I loved these legs because they brought you back to me, even when I didn’t deserve you. But what I love most about these legs is that they just keep going. No matter how tired you get or how beatdown you are, you just get back up and keep traveling this path that you set for yourself, this path with me and the kids. I love that you let me come along for this journey.”
He finished with Ed’s legs and he pulled at Ed until his husband was sitting up again. “I remember seeing you for the first time, in the wheelchair and wondering how such a small backbone could carry such a weight. It would surely snap under the pressure, but when I looked in your eyes, I knew that was wrong. I came to admire how much you carried, Ed, because the weight of the world wasn’t enough to crush you back then. And I loved the way you carried my weight too when I was too weak to be the man I should have been, and I was inspired to try to be stronger myself. I see it even more now, watching you carry the weight of our family, too much on your own since the twins have come to us. I love you for carrying us, when I have been too blind to see that you were.”
“Roy, stop.”
He pulled around to look at Ed and he slowly wiped at the tears on Ed’s face. “The first time I looked into your eyes, I feared it was too late. I feared that what you had seen had already taken the joy of the world from you. You proved me so wrong, just moments later. When I saw you in Central for the first time, I remember thinking there was so much fire in you, even the Flame Alchemist couldn’t tame it. When you came back to me, you were weary and wary but I could see the hope and I loved these eyes so much because it fed the hope in my own heart. It was nothing,” he said as he cupped Ed’s face in his hands. He had tears in his own eyes but he didn’t try to hide them. “nothing, like the love I have seen when you held your daughter and son in your arms. Nothing like the love I see every time you look at me. Because even at your most angry, your most terrifying, there is so much love in you that it eclipses everything else.”
“Bastard,” Ed whispered.
“I love you so damn much, Gold, and I am so sorry that I haven’t been the man I need to be right now.”
He didn’t expect his confession to earn him a very naked, very wet husband in his lap, or the wave of water that crashed over the edge of the tub at Ed’s hasty exit, but he couldn’t care less about that. What he cared about was his arms full of the man he loved.
Ed’s lips were on his and Roy had his hands in Ed’s hair, holding him close and deepening the kiss. They stayed like that a few minutes before Ed began to peel Roy’s wet clothes from his body. They managed to make it to bed and Roy took his time to press kisses and love bites over his lover’s body. They made love soft and slow and Roy could barely look away from Ed’s eyes, even when his own climax threatened to overwhelm him.
When they were both sleepy and sated and lying in the comfort of each other’s arms, Roy ran his hands through Ed’s hair and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I was thinking about something ever since I met with Gracia for lunch last week.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to start coming home for dinner every night.”
“What? How? You can’t… Roy, you can’t stop working at 5 just because you want to come home to us.”
“I can. Mostly, anyway,” Roy said. “I would have to bring work home for later. But I could come home and have dinner with you, Maes, and Tishy. I could help out with cleaning up and bathing them and putting them to bed. Maybe even get a few minutes to relax with my husband every so often,” he said with a smile. “I’d have to do a couple hours of paperwork in the study, but I could make it work, Ed.”
“Don’t do this because of tonight, Roy.”
“I’m not. I’m doing this because I miss my family. Because you want to be better than Hohenheim, and so do I. I don’t want to be an absentee father whose children resent him for it later. If I have to work late at home, at least I’m at home and I’m not missing those moments with them. I want to be present. I’ve missed too much already.”
“You really think that could work? That’s … when are you planning on sleeping?”
Roy shook his head. “I’ve been spending half my nights wide awake anyway. I love you, Ed and I know you love me too, but neither of us had been really happy these last few months. We were on such a high when the twins arrived but reality brought us short pretty fast. What worked when we could stay up half the night, reconnecting, doesn’t work when you have children who wake you up in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning, no matter if you want to sleep in or not. Something has to change, and I’m the only part of this equation that can. We’ll make it work. At least let me try?”
Ed looked up at him with so much faith in his eyes that it made his heart stop. This feeling was what he wanted Ed to understand, what he hoped Ed felt whenever Roy looked at him too.
“Okay, but if it gets too much, I’m telling Hawkeye. She’ll make sure you stay at work until you get it done. We can handle some nights on our own. I might have been doing a shitty job tonight, but we can.”
“We were both doing a shitty job at dealing tonight,” Roy said. Ed might have been having a tough time but Roy wasn’t about to let him take all the blame. “Things are gonna get better, okay?”
Ed smiled at him and he felt automail fingers brush across his cheek. “I know they are. We should get some sleep now though. Maes woke up already. You know Tishy still needs to make her wake up call.”
Roy let out a short huff of laughter at that. “Yeah. Can’t let her little brother upstage her like that.”
Roy closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. He felt better than he had in weeks, with Ed in his arms and this closeness they’d shared tonight.
“You’re an amazing father, Roy,” Ed whispered into his skin. “They love you, no matter how distant you feel right now. We love you.”
Roy sighed and closed his eyes against the tears that threatened. Ed sighed against his neck and then yawned so hard it made Roy laugh. “Good night, Gold.”
“Hummmm,” Ed said softly as he draped a leg over Roy’s and buried his head completely in his neck, letting Roy press his nose into Ed’s hair. “Good night, Bastard.”