Gold
Title: Gold
Verse: Further Interruptions
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Pairing: Roy/Ed
Summary: He could probably recite the letter that sat on his desktop, the folds threatening to rip now when he opened the pages, but he couldn’t help the desire to read it once again. It was always there, the need to rip this wound open, but he only allowed it one night a week.
Author's Note: Beta'd by the awesome Kzellr. Sorry I broke you (so not sorry... :P But I love you for letting me do it). For anyone that wanted to read the letter. Also, the idea of this story (written before I posted the Letter) came because I was listening to the radio and the song Ghost by the Indigo Girls came on. Blame the melancholy on them :P
Ed sat at the desk, staring out the open window. The warm evening breeze brought in the scent of the ocean and Ed could almost feel the waves against his bare feet. He wished he were out there, just walking in the sand and taking in the sights of the docks at night. It wasn’t the safest place to be, but he was Fullmetal. He wasn’t afraid of the docks.
He was afraid of what lay on the desk though.
It haunted him tonight, as if the whisper on the wind was the man’s voice calling to him.
It had been three months since he’d received it. Nine months since he’d last seen him. A week since he’d last read it.
He could probably recite the letter that sat on his desktop, the folds threatening to rip now when he opened the pages, but he couldn’t help the desire to read it once again. It was always there, the need to rip this wound open, but he only allowed it one night a week.
Alphonse was out late, a weekly poker game with his friends from the local merchants’ union, and Ed had the place to himself. It was the only time he was left alone. He loved his brother, but Alphonse had become overprotective since they left Amestris and he rarely left Ed to his own devices for too long. If he found out about the letter, he’d probably rip it apart.
Ed sighed softly as he reached for the letter and pulled it out. The handwriting was precise, a flowing, elegant script that matched the sender. Ed closed his eyes, leaned his head back, and took a deep breath.
He wanted so many things in this life, and he knew some were out of his reach. He’d had a taste of the really good things though and sometimes his life was more flavorful for it. Other times, he felt the color bleed from his world with each piece that went missing. Like his alchemy. His mother. His father. Maes and Nina. His childhood. Things like Roy and the future they were supposed to have.
Ed shook his head. This was exactly why Alphonse didn’t leave him on his own for too long and if he came home and found Ed crying over the past he was likely to quit his weekly poker game and give Ed no peace at all. Ed might fall into dark places on his own, but he had to confront them. They wouldn’t go away just because he ignored them.
Dear Edward,
There has rarely been a time in my life when words have failed me. I have always prided myself in being able to find the right thing to say, but I have no words to express my regret. Perhaps because, in truth, I know I don’t deserve the chance to speak them to you. Because I know that the things I have said and done cannot be justified.
I don’t think it is too much to presume that the reason you kept answering my phone calls was because you cared for me. Not because I was your superior, but because over the years our often tumultuous relationship became a true friendship. It is in your heart to care deeply, and far too freely in my opinion. I am only one of many people who have benefited from that. I am one of the many whose trust you have gained with your unswerving loyalty, and it pains me to know that I am one of the few who have lost your allegiance so completely.
I hope you know that it was never my intention to hurt you. I said it often enough, that I would before the end, but it was not my intent. I had, for a short time, even believed that you might be above that. That you might see the darkness I hid and know how to keep it at bay when I was too weak to. I was a fool for believing anyone else could force that down.
I have always had this inside of me. This dark place. It came to live inside me when my parents died. Though you might not believe it, as a young boy and even as a young soldier and alchemist, I was always in trouble for fighting. Of course, over the years I learned to use words instead of fists, but the rage I hid so deep came out frequently.
It was Maes who helped me find a way to put it behind me. He was too wise for any one person to be, but he understood somehow. He helped me bring light to my darkness. When he died, I lost the light. I lost everything, really.
It was a lie. What I said that night. I have never, and will never, blame you for his death. Maes died because he sought, and found, a truth that needed to be uncovered. He was a man of curiosity and a man of honor. Blaming you for his death is tantamount to besmirching his integrity and I cannot do either. What I said was targeted. It was base and vile and it was meant to hurt you simply because you could not take my pain away that night, as you had so many others.
I hope that, in time, you will be able to remember something other than the pain I caused you. For six months, you came to me when I called. You were my subordinate, and then my friend, and then unexpectedly, my lover. Though my head was often in a dark place when I called you, your presence eased me. I hope that, for all the pain, you will not forget there was laughter sometimes too. That there were nights when we stayed up late, speaking of alchemy or politics, or whatever struck our fancy. That some nights, it was enough to have you in my arms and I felt safe again.
I know that I do not deserve your forgiveness, but please know that I am truly sorry for my words and actions. I cannot beg, plead, or bargain enough to make this right. But know that even as you walked away, you gave me the strength to fight my demons. I am not okay and I am not in a good place, but with help and time, I believe I will be. That I will be strong enough to fight them on my own.
I hope you have found a good place, Edward. I hope you are happy where you are and that you are well cared for. I do not deserve your forgiveness, but I think some day you will give it to me anyway. You are too forgiving and loyal. It may seem forward but I want you to know that the thought of you still protects me. When I close my eyes at night, I see you still, between me and the darkness that consumes me. You keep me sane in the darkness of the night. I will continue to work in the daylight hours to relieve your image of that duty. It is one you neither want nor ever deserved to have thrust upon you, but your image is as loyal as you have always been.
I am sorry to have lost that loyalty and that trust. Know that you have my utmost respect, my deepest, most sincere apologies, and that if there is anything you should ever need, I would willingly give it. I am yours to command and I would never question your right to anything that is within my reach to give you. It is a meagre substitute for what you have given me that I so poorly repaid. It is not meant as a bribe to pay off my misdeeds, but my thanks that cannot easily be expressed.
For now, I will close with these last thoughts. Take care of yourself. Take care of your brother and let him take care of you. Know that I miss the time we spent together and I think of you often. I didn’t deserve you and I never will, I am certain, but I was lucky to have had a friend in you. Even luckier to have had time with you as my lover. I miss you, Gold, and I will forever regret the pain I made you endure because I was not able to face my own.
I am indebted to you for your kindness and compassion. And I hope someday to see you again to tell you these truths in person, so that you can see I am trying to be a man worthy of such.
I am forever at your service,
Roy
Ed sighed as he ran his finger lightly over the words again. He knew there would never be another letter. This wasn’t some attempt to bridge the gap between them. It was Roy, who knew Ed well enough to write a letter to keep him from worrying too much. It was Roy, who knew Ed couldn’t hear his voice but would accept the words on the page for the truth that was behind them. It was Roy, who knew Ed needed more time because if he called, Ed would have picked up and he wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t be on the next train to Amestris if Roy needed him again.
He folded the letter carefully and put it back in the envelope. He set it in the top drawer of his desk, under his notes and a book on Aerugan history.
He needed to be stronger than this. He should burn the damn letter but he couldn’t. It was the only thing he had of Roy. The only remnant of a time that had been challenging at best.
But there had been good moments. Really good moments. Moments Ed thought would get them through the destructive ones. Most nights, once Roy had fucked whatever plagued him out of his system, things became relaxed between them. They talked and laughed and when Ed fell asleep, he didn’t feel like a replacement. He felt like something … precious … was growing between them. Something that started in the dark places of the world and grew towards the sun until it was beautiful and full of life.
Ed leaned forward in his chair, his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands. It was easier to believe Roy never cared for him, that he was always just a means to an end, but the letter made a lie of the words Ed told himself.
It was too easy to remember the things Ed wanted to remember but needed to forget. The way Roy’s fingers felt as he brushed Ed’s hair out of his face. The way he used his nose to nudge Ed into the perfect position for a kiss. The way he felt when the rough bouts of sex were over and Roy slid in and out of his body so slowly as they gasped each other’s breath with each moment.
He pushed aside the memory the only way he could. Pain and hateful words and a final exodus too severe to come back from.
Roy wanted forgiveness, but Ed was the one that needed it. He needed to be forgiven for not making Roy get help when he realized how messed up he was. He needed forgiveness for crossing lines that should never be crossed. He needed forgiveness for not listening to Roy when he told Ed exactly what he needed that night.
He needed to forgive, because if he didn’t forgive Roy, how the hell was he supposed to forgive himself?
This thing wanted to drown him. It had started so small, the desire, the unwanted lust he’d felt for Roy in the beginning. But a few dreamt words - they had to be a dream, right? Tishy couldn’t be real when things had gone so wrong - and Ed had fallen hard and fast. He’d believed the look Roy sometimes got, something soft and warm. Something that felt like devotion.
Ed stood from the chair and walked out of his room. There was nothing there but memories he needed to forget tonight. He needed to stop tormenting himself. Roy was going to be fine. Roy was already moving forward. The words Ed wanted to believe, the longing that came from his letter, the need and hunger he read into the lines, were just a product of loneliness and Roy’s own self-destructive tendencies. Once he was in a better place, he’d remember Ed was just another bad coping mechanism.
There was nothing golden about him. There was nothing special. There was only a lot of regret, a lot of pain, and some bad memories. He was just a broken heart and a lot of metal, none of which was Gold.