Reflections
Reflections
Sam stared at himself in the mirror and sighed. His eyes had dark smudges underneath, his skin was pale and his gaze lacked the intensity it once had. He missed details and he couldn’t seem to bring up the same enthusiasm he once had. He could hear his brother outside the bathroom door and he closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to the glass.
Six months his brother had left him, calling Eliot after he’d snuck out of their bed to tell him to keep Sam safe while Dean tried to let Sam have a life that didn’t include fucking his brother. A life Sam had never wanted.
Three months back with them and nothing was the same. At first, Sam thought Dean just needed the time to adjust to being back in the swing of things, back with his brother and with Eliot when the other hunter was around, but he never settled back in with them.
Eliot had taken off the day after they found Dean, the one week job turning into two and then four and though he called Sam every night it wasn’t the same after he’d gotten used to living with the former hitter 24/7 for the last six months. When he finally returned, he’d dragged them all out to some barn in the middle of nowhere, thrown open the doors, and thrown Dean against the wall. The fight had been long and brutal and though Dean fought back, he didn’t take the offensive like they all knew he could. He wanted to be punished, knew he deserved it, and he let Eliot mete it out.
The sex after had been incredible, the three of them each reclaiming their place in the strange dance they’d come to need so bad. If Dean needed Sam to be a little harder, a little rougher, he was able to handle that. When he was honest with himself, and he had to be when it came to this thing with Dean, he needed to be harder too, he needed to punish his brother for leaving.
Sam understood why he’d run. Hell, he’d tried to back away from Dean and Eliot himself at one point to let his brother have something that wasn’t tainted with words like depraved or twisted, incest. Monster. Dean hadn’t let him and it was then that Eliot started to see the real depths of the Winchester family issues.
When Dean ran, Eliot figured out the rest of them. Dean had never forgiven himself for giving in to the desires that ran between them. Sam had been too young to really understand the damage he could do to his brother, but he’d wanted and damn if he wasn’t going to get. He hadn’t understood how destructive love could be. Considering the things their father had taught them over the years, all in the name of love, he should have known better.
Dean was a monster in his own eyes, though Sam had never seen him as anything less than beautiful. He had his blame in that, knowing if he’d just waited longer, if he’d understood back then what his brother had gone through, that they might have found an easier time with the love that flowed between them so completely.
So he understood why Dean did it and outside of sex he couldn’t blame him for it, couldn’t punish him when the issues were so deep rooted. He took it out on him in sex though and they both knew it. Nothing seemed to appease this time though. Dean wasn’t connecting to them like he had and Sam couldn’t find his way into his brother’s head to figure out what he needed.
He looked back at the mirror when Dean knocked. “You gonna stay in there all day Sammy?”
There was no humor in his brother’s words, no teasing. No anger or heat. Dean’s voice, which was always so expressive, was carefully blank.
Sam took a deep breath as he watched his eyes go wide, understanding dawning on him finally. Dean had come home. He’d allowed them back into his life and back into his bed, but he was keeping the rest of himself locked inside.
It took all day to get his head around that moment of perception and he watched Dean, gaining further insight into his brother’s headspace. He knew how to take Dean down, how to make him beg and plead, how to make him crawl across the floor and how to make him break out in beautiful tears. He knew how to make him angry, knew how to start a fight and how to play his guilt. He didn’t know how to break down the walls that Dean built inside himself though. He had an idea. He hoped it worked because until he managed to get through to him, Dean might as well still be gone.
Sam took a quick shower before bed but instead of slipping into his boxers and sliding into bed, he skipped the boxers and just pulled on a clean pair of jeans. He ran a hand through his wet hair, ignoring the water that dripped down his bare shoulders, and waited as the shower turned on again.
He’d used as little hot water as possible just to give Dean as much relaxation as he could in the small confines of the bathroom. As much as Sam would prefer to sooth his brother’s tired muscles with his own hands, he knew Dean wasn’t ready for it. Sam’s kindness would just make Dean tenser. Instead, he had to let the hot water ease the burdens he bore.
When the shower turned off, he sat outside a few minutes longer. He heard the sink run as Dean brushed his teeth before bed and when the water stopped, Sam moved to the door. It wasn’t locked and Sam pushed in, Dean’s eyes wide from the surprise. The bathroom was the one place they could usually have a little privacy.
“Couldn’t wait five minutes Sam?” Dean groused as he put his toothbrush back in his travel case.
Sam crowded in a little closer, staring over his brother’s shoulder and into the mirror, watching the way Dean’s face went from confused to pissed. “Hands on both sides of the mirror,” his voice took on the authority of command and Dean went from pissed to obedient even quicker.
Sam reached a hand out and pulled the towel from Dean’s hips, studying the sight of his brother’s firm body, his stance already adjusted to shoulder width apart, arms braced against the wall as his hips, canted out ever so slightly, rested on the bathroom counter. Sam leaned closer, his fingers grazing Dean’s entrance as he brought them up his crack, following the line of his spine until he was gripping the back of his brother’s neck. Dean’s head was down and his shoulders heaved as he took long, deep breaths to calm his body’s need. He knew better than get too excited too early. Sam had trained him better than that.
Sam had to push his own needs aside as well. Seeing Dean go from headstrong big brother to obedient sub got him hotter than anything.
He stepped closer then, letting his hand slide up to the front of his brother’s neck until he was pressing against his throat, then forced his brother‘s head up. His eyes were still downcast though. “Look at me,” Sam demanded. “Tell me what you see.”
Sam watched the way his Adam’s apple bobbed and he wet his lips. “I see you Sam,” Dean’s voice was almost timid in his need to get the right answer for Sam.
“I know who you see. Now tell me what you see.”
“I see … my little brother.”
“Look at yourself Dean,” his voice soft against the back of his brother’s neck but it was a command none the less. “What do you see?”
He looked up at Sam and Sam shook his head. “Look at yourself Dean. Look at your eyes and don’t stop until I tell you.”
“Sam-“
He smacked Dean hard across the ass, felt his brother tense even though it wasn’t enough to truly hurt him. It was the humiliation that had him flinching, humiliation and desire. Sam reeled in his need to do it again, to punish Dean.
“What do you see?”
Dean was looking at himself and Sam could see the anger in him, the pain that he never talked about. Sam needed to see it through, to get past his brother’s defenses and make him understand. In all the years they’d been together he’d never been able to get his brother to see himself the way Sam saw him, to see Sam as the person he was. He needed Dean to see them as they were now and not see the boys they’d once been.
“Weakness.”
Sam didn’t answer, but he leaned over Dean and reached into his brother’s bag, grabbing the bottle he knew was there. He slicked his fingers and set the bottle on the counter quickly before sliding two fingers into his brother. Dean gasped at the intrusion but Sam kept his eyes on his face, on the way Dean didn’t look away from his own eyes. He worked his fingers in and out of his ass, pushing back his own need to press inside his body, punish him with too little prep. He worked a third finger in quickly though, knowing how far he could push Dean and still make it pleasurable.
When he felt Dean pushing back against his hand, he pulled his fingers free then slid his jeans down far enough to free his cock. He slicked himself up and slid in, taking a deep breath to keep from losing control too fast. It always happened with Dean, the power he had over his brother like this, the fact that he could take what he wanted from his brother.
Dean moaned as Sam gripped his hips and it was enough for Sam to know he was ready for it. He pulled his hips back, drawing out almost all the way before snapping his hips forward hard. He watched his brother in the mirror, watched him bite his bottom lip to keep from making any more noise, eyes still trained on himself in the mirror.
Sam pushed into his brother’s body until he was fully sheathed, and then wrapped an arm around Dean’s shoulders.
“I see you Dean,” he whispered into his brother’s ear. “I see the strongest man I’ve ever know.” He pulled out slowly and then pressed back in, thrusting long and sweet into Dean as he continued to talk. “I see a man who always puts other people’s needs before his own. I see someone who never balks at danger because there are other people’s lives at stake.”
“Sammy,” he pleaded. His eyes never left the mirror and Sam could see the way they clouded over.
“I see someone who protected me my whole life, from monsters and nightmares, from school bullies and Dad’s unreasonable demands, from the scum that lived to prey on small boys left alone too much in the worst parts of town.”
Tears finally spilled and Sam watched them falling down Dean’s cheeks without stopping. Fuck, but his brother was beautiful when he cried, but these weren’t those tears, they weren’t the ones Sam forced from him in his need. These were real tears, his brother’s pain ripped from him in a sob that he couldn’t choke back.
“I see the man I admire the most in this world, the one person I love most in the world.”
He stood straighter then, pulling his arm back and letting Dean lean forward, away from the words he had trouble accepting. He gripped his brother’s hips tight enough to bruise and then changed his rhythm, setting a brutal pace. He fucked into his brother hard and fast. “Look at me Dean,” he said after a moment.
He waited for his brother’s eyes to turn to him then spoke again. “Do I look like I can’t say no?”
Dean dropped his eyes to the sink and Sam grabbed Dean’s neck, forcing Dean to look up again. “You fucking look at me Dean,” he growled. “Do I look like I can’t say no to you?”
“No,” he ground out, eyes locked to Sam’s.
“Do I look like someone that needs protecting?”
“No.”
“Because I don’t Dean. I’m not the child you think I was.”
He pushed on Dean’s back, forcing Dean to bend over the sink a little more, though Dean kept his eyes on Sam. The new angle was perfect and he found Dean’s prostate and Dean couldn’t keep the moan back.
“You have never hurt me. You will never hurt me, except when you do stupid shit like run away from me. You’re mine Dean, just as much as I’m yours so stop this bullshit. Stop seeing me as some kid you molested and see what I really am.”
Dean’s whole body shuddered and Sam knew, even if it wasn’t perfect, something was making its way into his brother’s thick skull.
“What do you see Dean?” He could feel how close his brother was; feel the way his body was starting to tighten around him. It only took a few more thrusts and Dean’s sharp breath was replaced with a howl as Sam slammed into him. “What do you see?”
“Sammy!”
Dean’s orgasm ripped through him, his body clenching around Sam. Their eyes never lost contact even as he came hard inside his brother.
He couldn’t breathe in that moment, couldn’t think as he stared into the mirror’s reflection, his brother’s eyes lost and so damned pained but sated in ways that Sam hadn’t seen in a long time.
He finally dropped his head, resting against his brother’s back. Dean’s body was shaking and Sam knew he couldn’t keep him like that long, but he wasn’t ready to move, wasn’t ready to see what would happen next because he already knew.
He pressed kisses into his brother’s skin, then reached up and pulled Dean’s head to the side where he could express his love in ways Dean was more than willing to accept. His mouth opened without hesitation and Sam could feel the desperation in his brother’s kiss.
When Dean pulled away for breath, Sam kissed his temple then took a step back, pulling out of his brother and giving him space. Dean didn’t move as Sam pulled a thin, scratchy wash cloth from the shower and pressed his front to Dean’s back, running the water in the sink. He got the cloth wet and then ran it down his brother’s back. He wiped across his abused hole, cleaning away the mess he’d made before rewetting the cloth and cleaning himself up.
Dean’s shoulders were hunched, his head down as they had been earlier, but it was a stance Sam was well familiar with. He pressed one last kiss to his brother’s shoulder, then pulled his pants back up and left the bathroom.
It took Dean another ten minutes to make his way out. When he did, he went straight to his bag and pulled out clean clothes. He dressed in silence and didn’t look at Sam when he grabbed his jacket and the keys.
Sam watched him go and didn’t try to stop him. He’d made Dean face too much already tonight. He didn’t know if it had worked, but he saw something in his brother tonight that might have been progress. Maybe, just maybe, the next time Dean looked in the mirror he’d see something else. Maybe, he’d stop seeing the monster he thought he was and see the reflection of the man Sam knew him to be.