Right or Wrong
Her first love was a girl. A girl who had gotten her confused because her heart would race when she saw her and her tummy feeling like it’d explode from the fluttering of a thousand pairs of wings she felt inside it every time they shared a friendly hug. The same girl got her frustrated because she couldn’t understand why she was so easily affected by anything the girl did or didn’t do. At one point, that girl got her hating herself when she realized she was head over heels for her and that couldn’t be normal. Not with how or where she was brought up. No, her family probably would disown her and society would frown upon her abnormality.
That girl served to be the turning point of her life. She started to be more cautious of her actions and attentive to her surroundings; afraid that someone would find out, thinking maybe it was just a crush and it would fade away or maybe it was just a one-time thing, that that girl would be the only one that she was attracted to and that it was just a phase.
The first person to ever make her feel that way just had to be a girl and she had wished so badly as she lied awake on her bed so many nights that it was a boy instead because liking a boy was normal, being that affected by a boy was normal and missing a boy that much was normal. She wished so badly that she was normal instead because she didn’t feel right liking another girl. It didn’t feel right. She had wished upon countless stars, through her muffled sobs against her blanket and tears damping her pillow, to make her normal again.
Her wishes weren’t granted, though, because she found herself physically attracted to other girls as well; catching herself easily staring at their lips when they talk, mesmerized by their eyes when they smile, admiring their hips when they move, taking note of their hair fluttering against the soft breeze when it blows past them and she couldn’t help but think about how they smell nice, all the time. When she realized it, she was sitting at her favorite café with her best friend and was suddenly aware of how extremely beautiful her best friend’s smile was and almost too casually thinking how lucky her boyfriend was to get to kiss those lips; all while they were talking about a dead bird. It scared the hell out of her and completely threw her off-guard. A gasp escaped her when she caught her own thoughts as she was sipping her drink. She choked on her caramel frappe and felt her whole body jump as if reality sucker-punched her in broad daylight. She had to make up some lame ass excuse to ease her best friend’s worries after her coughing fit as some of her drink managed to force its way out her nose. It hurt but not more than when she realized that she had never felt as attracted to boys as she was to girls. Not even close.
She had unintentionally flinched away from her best friend’s touch when the latter had reached out to pat her back and had to cover it up hastily, carelessly, when she saw hurt flicker across her best friend’s face. Even though she was sure that the latter hadn’t believed her when she said nothing was wrong, she was glad that she wasn’t probed further to spill the truth. What was she to say even if she did come clean right there and then? Was she to say that she was gay that openly? That she wasn’t normal? She wasn’t ready to admit that yet, not even to herself.
What if her best friend didn’t find it normal either? What if she thought she was a creep and didn’t want to stay friends with her anymore? What if she couldn’t understand it either? What if she spilled it out to everyone else? That’ll be the end of her. No, she wouldn’t let that happen. She couldn’t. She wasn’t ready for it. She wasn’t ready for abandonment of everyone that meant so much to her and just the thought of it almost broke her apart. She was terrified and she had never felt so alone, dealing with every single insecurity on her own but she knew she had to. It was something she had to deal with by herself, even if it meant keeping things from everyone that mattered to her. It was something she had to understand herself before trying to explain it to anyone.
She was 18 at that time and 2 years after that day, Taeyeon was still very much in love with the same girl but had somehow managed to keep it to herself, keeping it from everyone including her best friend. 2 years later and there she was, 20 years old, sitting at the same café, drinking her caramel frappe, seated on the couch next to her best friend and across from two of her close friends she’d had for years and on her other side, the girl she’s been in love with, the only one she had been in love with.
Nothing much had changed. She had the same group of friends, the same height, the same fear. The only thing that changed was her hair had turned copper blonde, her best friend was now single, the girl she loved was taken. She thought back and realized a lot of time had passed but it had never felt so short. She was dealing with her preference better, hiding it better but not yet fully embracing it. Boys had asked her out, pretty cute ones too, but none had managed to even get her to consider it. What was she to do when she was playing in their field as well? The thought of telling them that always made her laugh. Bitterly, but still, she’d laugh. She gave up trying to “fix” herself because she figured it was unfixable and she just had to somehow live with it. It took her a while to get to this point but now that she had, she asked herself how long she could keep it from the people around her. She didn’t like keeping things from people who mattered to her. She didn’t like lying to them but she wasn’t ready to lose them and that was a huge possibility.
Taeyeon was vaguely involved with the on-going conversation as she heard her best friend, Tiffany, and both of her close friends, Sooyoung and Sunny, having a rather loud debate about something that she had completely no interest in. The atmosphere was comfortable and she hoped nothing will ever change about them. She hoped that they could sit together 10 to 30 years or even more from now and nothing would change. She wondered if Sooyoung and Sunny would be disgusted by her secret and if Tiffany would end up never talking to her again. She grimaced at the thought and shook it off her mind. Instead, she leaned back in her seat and pretended to be involved as she stole glances at Jessica, the girl who had her on a leash for 2 years and had no idea. She hadn’t thought about what Jessica would think of her. She’d probably find her creepy and gross for even having the guts to even like her for 2 years and even after she had a boyfriend. Taeyeon thought she’d never understand though, none of them would, probably. She felt like no one could understand it and it always made her feel so lonely whenever she thought of it. She continued stealing glances at the oblivious girl and held back a smile. It was fine to her though, loving her that way, even though Jessica would probably never understand it if she knew.
Jessica Jung, 20 years old, the older sister of 19 year old Krystal Jung. They were both blessed with good genes. She was rich, beautiful and smart. She was blessed with doe-like bright eyes, fair soft skin, silky dyed-blonde hair, a slim fit body, a sharp button nose and one of the cutest smiles Taeyeon had ever seen. Her voice was sweet and Taeyeon wished she could hear it all day. Jessica Jung was thoughtful and warm, affectionate and kind, and she was always humble despite her family’s status. She was lazy and slept in class but somehow she had always done well in school. Taeyeon admired her for her achievements, adored her flaws and loved her with all her heart but maybe that wasn’t enough. Maybe that wasn’t enough and even though Taeyeon thought it was fine, loving her like that - that way - but sometimes it felt wrong, to be strung along helplessly like that and she wondered how long she’d be able to take it. She wondered how long she would let her heart be strung along on the emotional roller coaster. She could feel so happy and content one second and totally crushed not a second later. She wondered if she could be truly happy loving her that way and if she wanted to because even after 2 years, it still didn’t feel right.
She watched Jessica’s eyes sparkle as she talked animatedly with the girls, and she couldn’t help but smile at the sight. She felt giddy every time Jessica leant on her when she laughed and she felt her heart swell when Jessica’s eyes met hers. She kept the gaze for as long as she could, locking everything she felt at that moment in her and maybe it could last her for the next month at least. Maybe it’ll keep her happy for some time, loving her that way, or maybe not. Her swelling heart was punctured almost too forcefully the moment a pair of strong arms came out of nowhere and around the latter’s shoulders. She watched as Jessica turned to meet the eyes of the newcomer and gave him the widest, brightest smile she had given the whole day. Her boyfriend of a year; tall, good-looking, physically fit, could use a bit more brain but generally a really nice guy. Taeyeon compared herself to him all the time but she knew it was different. It would always be different. For starters, the bitter truth was that she wasn’t a boy and that itself made her lacking and incapable of being in his shoes because it would probably be at least 7 sizes too big for her. She could never fill his shoes and she hated that. Her weary heart deflated at the common thought.
“Hi, girls,” a deep voice greeted them. He pecked Jessica’s head affectionately and Taeyeon felt her heart sting.
Taeyeon looked at him in disbelief. She couldn’t help but think about how she would’ve kissed her lips instead. He lacked brain - that she knew - because who wouldn’t want to kiss those lips the moment you see them? It was beyond her, she could’ve done better.
“Hey baby, you’re early,” Jessica replied as he removed his arms around her and sat at the armrest of the couch next to her.
She would’ve kept her arms around her longer; Taeyeon thought bitterly and looked away from the couple, trying to ignore of the aching feeling in her chest like she’s done many times before. It didn’t hurt as much as it used to a year ago, maybe she was getting used to it or she’s getting numb to it.
She looked down and played with her fingers on her lap as she tried not to listen to the lovey dovey words from the couple. Every word was like a jab to her chest and she just really wanted to sink further into the couch and disappear. She almost succeeded in drowning them out totally by immersing herself in Tiffany’s perfume and wondered to herself if the latter had sprayed the perfume on a few sprays too many, showered her whole being in it or that she naturally smelled nice and the perfume was just an added bonus. She thought then, Tiffany had always smelled nice way back before she started wearing a perfume when they turned 18. Her hair had always smelled of apples and her clothes always had a hint of jasmine-scented softener. Sometimes she liked it better when Tiffany smelled like her old self because that was when she’s most natural but sometimes, with the perfume, Taeyeon thought it was a definite head-turner. She smelled so good that Taeyeon felt like it shouldn’t be legal. She tilted her head closer to Tiffany, letting her scent cloud her mind more. Her incoherent thoughts were about to drown every other noise around her until Jessica’s voice gained her attention and she looked up before she could help it.
“I’m cold,” she had whined, tugging on her boyfriend’s sleeve, pouting oh-so-adorably.
Seemingly unfazed, her boyfriend merely shrugged and smiled. “You should’ve brought a jacket, babe.”
Taeyeon eyed his jacket and sighed quietly, turning her attention back to her hands. She would’ve given Jessica her own jacket instead - even if it meant that she’d freeze - and then hold her, but there were a lot of things she would’ve and could’ve done if she was given the chance. She would’ve loved her much more than what her boyfriend could, could’ve gave her all the attention she wanted, she would’ve treated her like a queen, but she could never be enough. She could never be right. She wasn’t normal after all. Who would want to be with her anyway, when she wasn’t even normal? Her self-pity kicked in, her heart sank and she felt her whole body weighing down with it. She scoffed, maybe then she’d be able to sink into the couch and disappear.
Taeyeon closed her eyes, trying to distract herself again by leaning and resting her head on Tiffany’s shoulders; physically distancing herself from Jessica. Distance between them always gave her more room to breathe, time to aid her wounds before she dove right back into the battlefield. She felt Tiffany hold her hand and smiled when she felt fingers tracing hers gently, a habit her best friend had developed somewhere somehow. She didn’t know when, where or how but she liked it, a lot. It was a comforting gesture and it made her feel better. Taeyeon was sure Tiffany had no clue how easily she could comfort her even though she didn’t even know what the problem was. Tiffany always made her feel better and she was glad. She was so glad that she had her because even when Taeyeon was crying her broken heart to her late at night, Tiffany never pried when she refused to talk about it. Tiffany had always respected her privacy when she kept things to herself for the past 2 years and even though Taeyeon knew that it aggravated her sometimes, the girl had never showed her aggravation to her.
Taeyeon felt her shift a little before she heard a distinct husky voice above the other noises and voices in the crowded café, speaking so softly to her that it was barely a whisper. She wondered how it seemed like the whole café had quietened down just so she could hear her.
“What’s wrong?” Tiffany’s voice was coated with concern and it made Taeyeon feel warm inside.
“Nothing,” Taeyeon answered, keeping her tone light and casual as she had done more than a hundred times before. She heard Tiffany sigh and she raised her head from the latter’s shoulder to look at her. That was new. Tiffany had always just dismissed it or changed the subject but that sigh sounded like it had been waiting to come out for a long time. She bit her lip and studied Tiffany’s expressions as the girl continued to play with her fingers. She leaned in after a while and whispered the exact question that was asked barely a minute ago. “What’s wrong?”
Weary eyes met hers, so clouded with something and Taeyeon couldn’t understand them but Tiffany shook her head and gave her a small smile instead. “It’s Sunday tomorrow, do you have anything on? Wanna sleep over tonight?”
Taeyeon didn’t question further and gave her a smile back. Who was she to pry when she kept things from her too? Tiffany’s question had reminded her that they haven’t slept over together since Taeyeon had started to be aware of her preference. It had been a while, a really long while, and suddenly it made her miss her best friend at the thought of it. She wondered if Tiffany missed her too, even though they have been hanging out on a regular basis. Instead of answering, she asked, “Like old times?”
Tiffany merely smiled and turned her attention back to playing with Taeyeon’s hand, because she knew that was a yes to her invitation.
“Like old times,” Taeyeon repeated softly, watching her trace her fingers lightly, a soft smile present on the latter’s face. It made her smile too.
---------------------------------------
“Do you wanna talk about it?,” Taeyeon asked, her tone light. Whatever that was bothering Tiffany had lasted for the rest of the day when she caught the latter letting out soft sighs, mindless fiddling of Taeyeon’s hands, sleeves and hair, and Taeyeon knew that it was something Tiffany would do whenever she had something on her mind.
Now they lied on their backs on Tiffany’s bed with the lights off, side by side with their arms touching each other lightly, under the thick soft blanket that kept them warm from the chill air of the air condition. They had been staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck on the ceiling; Taeyeon remembered the day she helped put those up.
“Do you?” A question for a question and Taeyeon just knew Tiffany was referring to what she’s been keeping from her for the last 2 years.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she replies simply, the same old practiced line to anyone who asked.
A sigh left Tiffany’s lips for probably the nth time that day and Taeyeon frowned, she didn’t like it, not one bit. “I’m not stupid, Taeyeon. I know you. I know you well and probably too well. You can’t hide things from me. I don’t even know why you try, you suck at it.”
Taeyeon kept silent, afraid that her words might fail her. Maybe if she kept quiet, Tiffany would drop the topic then they could just fall asleep, wake up the next day, and pretend nothing happened; that this topic wasn’t even brought up. Her hopes fell short when Tiffany continued.
“But you know, if you were afraid I’d judge you, you’re wrong. I was surprised when I figured it out - and it took a while to figure it out, mind you - so sure, I was surprised, but you’re still you. I didn’t want to bring this up and wanted to wait for you to tell me yourself but seeing how that doesn’t seem to happen, well, yeah. Keeping things from me is one thing, Taeyeon. Lying to me is another.”
The sharp intake of breath stung her lungs a bit but Taeyeon ignored it. She couldn’t believe it. Tiffany had known, she had known and had said nothing about it or treated her any different. She wiped her sweaty palms on her pants and swallowed the lump in her throat. She sighed, letting her previously tensed body to relax. There was no turning back from talking about it now, not when it’s out in the open. She wanted to deny ever lying to her but she knew she did. Probably more than she intended and she couldn’t shake the nagging guilt when she heard the apparent disappointment in Tiffany’s voice.
“I see the way you look at her, you know? It looks like there’s freaking stars in your eyes every time you see her and you get slightly fidgety when she looks at you for too long. I thought it was adorable at first, I thought you’d get over her soon enough. But then you came to me bawling your eyes out at four freaking a.m in the morning when you found out she was going out with him. You cried so hard, you couldn’t breathe and suddenly it didn’t feel right because she made you cry and that wasn’t right,” Tiffany said, her voice sounded strained at the last sentence and even though Taeyeon wasn’t looking at her, she knew that Tiffany had her eyebrows furrowed, just like how it always was whenever she was deep in thought.
Even though Taeyeon was still uneasy talking about this, she waited patiently for her to continue and she did.
“Even though you stopped crying after a few days and got yourself together, you still refused to tell me about all of this. Even after all of that you’ve gone through because of her, you still love her and it didn’t feel right to me so I started to think about how she is with you and questioning them. Where was she when you cried because of her, how could she not see how amazing you are, why couldn’t she make you happy? Because you deserved only the best and you deserved to be happy too. I was thinking and thinking and it lead to thinking about what I could’ve done instead and it hit me like a gunshot. It wasn’t right at all and I got so confused because you’re my best friend.”
Taeyeon frowned at the last part, it didn’t make sense and she didn’t get it at all. She turned her head to look at Tiffany and even though it was dark, she could still make out her features. “Huh? What?”
Tiffany’s eyes met hers and something within those usually soft eyes made Taeyeon’s heart pound almost painfully against her chest. “I thought of telling you, you know? But you’re still so strung up on her that I thought maybe it wouldn’t matter.”
“Tell me what, Tiffany?,” Taeyeon questioned, keeping her voice soft and gentle. They needed to clear some things up because she was confused and if things were left hanging, she might never figure it out. She had never been quick at catching things like Tiffany was. She needed things to be spelled out for her if possible.
“Would it make a difference?” Another question for a question.
Normally, it would annoy Taeyeon by then to feel that confused but something about Tiffany’s tone kept her heart beating irregularly. She’d stay up all night if she had to, just so she could get things straight. “Tell me.”
“You know… someone could treat you better than how she treats you,” Tiffany said slowly, her words confusing Taeyeon even further and made the latter wonder why they were going in circles and back to talking about Jessica.
Taeyeon’s eyebrows were so scrunched up that Tiffany turned to lie sideways and used her fingers to gently ease the creases. Taeyeon relaxes her eyebrows and took a deep breath, trying to ease her rapid heartbeat.
“Someone could love you more than this, you know?,” Tiffany continued, her voice so low that if Taeyeon hadn’t been watching her and saw her lips moving, she would’ve thought she had imagined it.
Taeyeon was about to ask something when Tiffany’s eyes met hers again and she felt her breath get caught in her throat, her heart beating so hard that she could hear the pounding loud in her ears. She wondered if Tiffany had heard it too.
Tiffany gave her a small smile and patted her cheek. “Sleep. Goodnight, Taeyeon.”
Taeyeon watched Tiffany turn her back on her and pulled the blanket more over her shoulders. She turned her head and stared back at the ceiling. Her mind replayed the past year in her head, all the lingering touches, the prolonged hugs, the soft gazing, and just like that she let out a shaky breath, only to realize then that she had been holding it. She felt giddy and felt the room move. Taking deep slow breaths, she closed her eyes and waited till all seemed still again, her mind clearer and her heart calmer. It didn’t feel wrong. That thought made her open her eyes. Turning to lie on her side, she scooted closer to Tiffany and wondered if the latter had fallen asleep. From the back, slowly and albeit hesitantly, she snuck her arm around Tiffany’s waist and gently pulled her closer. She felt Tiffany tense and knew she was still awake. Taeyeon buried her face in her hair and took another deep breath, her hair still smelled like apples after all this years and it made her smile.
“Time,” Taeyeon whispered nervously. “Give me some time, could you do that for me?”
She felt Tiffany relax in her hold and fingers lacing themselves loosely between hers. She couldn’t stop a grin from appearing on her face and scooted even closer to her, leaning her head at the back of her shoulder and leaving no gap between them. It didn't feel wrong.
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a/n: Hello, thank you for reading. I hope you liked it. :)
Special thanks to; wilsammy & theninthtrack <3