(no subject)
Title: System Failure (5/9)
Authors: butterflyweb and nemesis_cry
Genre: Sci Fi, Matrix!AU
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairings: JaeMin, JaeHo, YooSu, SiChul, SiHan, MinChul
Warnings: sex, violence, language, character death
Summary: Things are rarely as they seem. Especially in a world governed by machines.
| Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 |
Someone knocks on his door loud enough to startle him out of nightmares of asphyxiation and thick, pink fluid. He ambles out of bed after short moments of confusion, memories of how he came to be here skittering sharp and cold, like shard of ice along his skin until being along with himself is liable to leave him doing something stupid.
Above, the main deck is empty, the kitchens too. It's not until he climbs up the final ladder to the cockpit that he finds the whole crew amassed, Xiah's voice loud and excited as he prattles about something to do with starfish.
"What's going on?" he murmurs, close enough to Jaejoong that he hopes the other man will answer.
Jaejoong spares him a brief glance, quiet and blank as he has been since Changmin had arrived. But he responds, arms crossed over his chest. "We're coming into Zion now. Refuel, restock. Xiah hasn't shut up about Micky for the past hour or two."
Siwon snorts beside him. "God help us all if his other half doesn't come on this tour."
His presence attracts Xiah's attention whose eyes have never shone brighter. He slides between the chairs and loops his arms around his throat so tight it's likely to suffocate him.
"Landing protocols take so long," he complains, grinning broadly. "Aren't you excited? I'm so excited."
"Yes, we know," Siwon sighs, trying to make it look like he's interested in the view and not the man driving them closer and closer to the fortified walls before them.
Xiah's enthusiasm is catching, if not entirely swaying, and Changmin feels his spirits lift, giving the other man a small smile in return. The operator takes hold of his hand, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet in his impatience.
"Xiah, if you don't quit staring at the back of my head, you're going to burn holes in it," Han Geng mutters, flicking a series of switches. "We'll land when we land."
U-Know nods, the tiniest jerk of his chin turning the man from statue to human being. He brushes past Changmin on his way out, a hand on his shoulder that's no doubt meant to help him relax tightening his muscles with tension. Nobody's actually told him anything about Zion, about what he'll find there when they land. He's been following blind faith for almost five days and he's beginning to realize ignorance is not something he'll get used to.
He makes to stop U-Know, but Jaejoong is there, catching his hand instead. His palm is cold and thin, but strangely familiar and it stops his questions.
"You should lie down," Rella calls over his shoulder. "The way in is always a little bumpy."
Thin lips draw into a line, but Jaejoong doesn't turn. His hand tightens around Changmin's briefly. "He's right. I'll take you back," he offers and though he doesn't need an escort, it's the warmest Changmin's felt since getting here. He's not about to turn him down.
He leads him out of the cockpit, boots clanging dulling on the metal grates and up the stairs. Towards the main deck, not the barracks, and Changmin is confused, but not objecting. It's the most attention the other man has given him in days and he can only hope that somehow, this is making amends. That Jaejoong will have a reason.
Past the screens and the chairs, Jaejoong taps at a monitor, setting up a program.
"I want you to come in with me," he murmurs. "We have some time."
He doesn't ask for what, he's too busy trying to contain the fluttering of wings in his chest, thinking of a poem he read once about hope. He can remember trivial things like that now, Jaejoong hasn't forgotten him. Hasn't stopped caring.
Part of him instills caution, begs him to be wary as he seats himself down comfortably, waiting for the familiar push and plug into whatever program Jaejoong has picked out.
The other man taps a button on the wall, speakers crackling with static. "Rella, get your ass down to main. I need you to plug us in."
Jaejoong's gaze turns back to him, a smile that's almost familiar on his features. He reaches for the plug hanging beside the headrest, lifting it free. A cold hand rests on Changmin's cheek. "I'll meet you inside, okay?"
***
"Cut him some slack. He's trying to do his best by you."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Sure you don't. Just like you don't know that chair you're sitting in is just a piece of code. But maybe you just don't care. Now that would be more accurate..."
***
Instead of the white room he's become so used to, Changmin wakes in a hotel room, the lights dim around him, expensive sheets stretched over a large bed. It even smells real.
"You like it?" Jaejoong's voice is soft and suave, just like it used to be. His hair is that same, shocking white, brushing his cheekbones, eyes bright and warm. Changmin swallows hard. Lets his fingertips run along the fabric of the comforter, feels the slide of satin. The slight catch.
"I..."
Strong arms wrap around him, everything so warm and soft, so unlike the outside. "I miss you. Miss having you like this."
He sees Jaejoong in his bed, what feels like an eternity ago, sees him writhe and moan and touch him like he cares. He sees the potential to get that back. He sees, too, the small screen and Rella with his head thrown back, Siwon sinking to his knees before him while in reality they neither love nor want each other.
The latter stings.
"Did you ever... love me?" he finds himself asking, voice so soft it's almost a whisper.
Jaejoong touches his face, smooths his thumb over the rise of his cheek. "Yes. I did. Of course I did." A featherlight kiss to the corner of mouth. "All that time we spent, you couldn't tell? You didn't know?"
It's a lie. He can't explain how he knows, it's just a feeling, something deep inside him rebelling because outwardly he can't move out of Jaejoong's grasp--out of the chair he's lying in in the real world. That's where he is. Not here. Not in this room, with this man.
"Then why haven't you spoken to me in days?" Why do you run every time I try to come near you? Why are you so disgusted?
"Changmin..." The other man sighs. His eyes are dark. Troubled, and full of frustration. "What am I supposed to do? You can't love someone out there. Just...the ugliness and the dark and..." He cuts himself off, fists tightening. "Wouldn't you rather have me like this? In a place like this, looking like myself?"
He frowns, not understanding. "This isn't real, Jaejoong." He figures it's okay to use real names, here. In some backward kind of way, it makes sense. "This is all just... code. I saw it. You're not actually touching me. You don't actually look like this." I don't, he wants to say, wondering why it should matter, if it's love, if it's more than a fuck to relieve tension.
Jaejoong's jaw tightens, stepping back. "You sound like him. Why can't you get it? This is us. This is who I was my entire life. And it was my life. I had a family and I had friends and they weren't fake. It wasn't a figment of my goddamn imagination!" He ends in a shout, dropping to sit on the bed.
"Coming to see you...it was the best part of my day, Changmin."
"While the rest of the time... you were with him." It feels strange to be jealous, after everything that's happened, everything he's seen and felt and discovered, but it's there, the emotion as powerful as his fear of it. He trusts U-Know, as if there's some unspoken rule telling him he should, but he resents him too. For getting him out. For taking Jaejoong away.
If he even had him in the first place.
"Why take me out if you liked having me in that... reality? Why even bother? I didn't ask for this! I didn't want any of it!" He's screaming and his pulse is racing and he's tired. Of the lies, of the liars. "Why if you're going to make me choose between having you from across the room once in a while and not at all? How is that even a choice?"
"It wasn't my decision! I tried to put them off for as long as I could I...I wanted you to stay there!" Jaejoong punches the wall in frustration, kicks it. "Here... I wish we both could be back but this...this is the closest thing we fucking have."
Maybe knowing it's all an illusion is what makes him ache for it to be real. Maybe it's what makes him ache to get as far away from Jaejoong as he can rather than any closer. It shouldn't be like that. It's so wrong.
"Stand-by for exit," Rella's voice interrupts their lovers' spat from the off, the last thing he sees before him being Jaejoong's eyes, red-rimmed and angry.
When he comes to, his whole body's shaking, breaths short and ragged.
Rella pulls the plug free from Jaejoong, the other man pulling away as soon as he can, footsteps clicking along the metal deck. His features are etched in misery and Changmin can only close his eyes, feeling tears slip from under his eyelashes to slide along his cheek, stinging and hot. He feels the release of the plug, the scrape of Rella's fingertips over his cheek, clearing away the salt.
"Come on. Cry about him later. We're docking." The words are blunt, but not unkind, and Changmin nods, taking a shaky breath.
***
By the time he drags himself to the lower decks, Rella close behind, the others have gathered already, the on-ramp being lowered like a draw-bridge in some ancient castle in a history book. U-Know nods, but he's the only one to acknowledge him. Xiah, for his part, is too busy shaking the floors as he bounds up and down, anticipation barely contained in tight fists.
Changmin looks away, wiping guiltily at his eyes and wanting nothing better than to crawl under a rock somewhere and die.
When the ramp finally hits ground, Xiah tears from the ship like a wild thing, bag whacking against his back with every step he takes. He's shouting some form of nonsense as he edges through the small crowd of people until he finally reaches his destination: a single man standing and waving like a loon.
Xiah practically tackles him to the ground, arms wrapped in a vice-like grip around his shoulders, and kisses him without reservation, a hand tangling in the other's long, black hair.
It takes Rella's scoff to stir him from the scene, the other man smirking, arms crossed over his chest. "I give it another two minutes before Xiah catches on that he's suffocating him."
"Let's try to avoid that murder-suicide scenario, shall we?" U-Know sighs with a tired smile, leading the others out into the landing bay. It's a strange scene, like something out of a science fiction film, but it's earthy, too, and gray. Just like the ship.
By the time they reach Xiah and the other man, the two still haven't stopped kissing, hands and lips finding each other's almost naturally. He finds himself staring, steps slowing to a halt. Thankfully, he's not the only one.
Rella taps a hand against a broad, unfamiliar shoulder and his greeting is met with no protest. The other man smirks and goes back to kissing the operator.
"So what do you figure, Boss? Downtime until tomorrow?" Xiah couldn't look more hopeful, he notes, and Han Geng doesn't look adverse to a rest either. Does the man ever sleep or is he always up there, manning the controls?
U-Know shakes his head. "Forty-eight hours. I've heard from the Council."
Xiah lets out a whoop, kissing the stranger hard, before turning to him, grabbing his hand. "We have to make introductions. Max, this is Micky. Micky, Max. We picked him up about a week ago. Micky is nowhere near as new and interesting as you, but we like him anyway."
It earns him a slap to his shoulder, and a hand extended Changmin's way, the other man's smile warm and friendly. "Nice to meet you, Max. Welcome to Zion."
"Thanks," he nods, smiling because it's the polite thing to do and because it reminds him of some measure of normality.
Jaejoong brushes past, getting lost in the crowd before Changmin has even had time to look and he tells himself that doesn't hurt. He focuses on what matters instead.
"Council?" he repeats, searching U-Know's gaze.
"Everyone with a ship and more than five years of existence under his or her belt, basically," Xiah supplies, taking a break from kissing his lover to stand and drag the other man to his feet. "Lot of pomp for nothing, although they do throw some nice parties. Bread and circuses, right?" He stops to consider what he'd said. "Well, the bread's mostly a joke. Protein grub for all."
He receives another smack and a snort of amusement from Siwon. "And that's Junsu's take on our greatest achievement since the beginnings of the revolution."
It's the first time he's heard the word and it makes him think of Russian czars and Lenin, but most definitely not of machines and post-apocalyptic cities. The misconception is striking but far from the first to have plagued him since waking up in this new world. He wants to ask more, he wants to understand, but the moment is shattered, Rella dragging an arm around his shoulders and tugging him along, Siwon and Han Geng following.
He has no voice to protest.
***
They lose Xiah to Micky within moments of entering the city, the operator's promises to find them at the 'meeting' dying off as he gets tugged through the crowds. U-Know is accosted by another Captain, Han Geng disappearing with a soft comment to Siwon. "Visiting his family," the other explains, and looks after him wistfully. Jaejoong is nowhere to be found.
He is left with Rella and Siwon in a city that is more alien to him than anything he's seen so far. Their company does nothing to dispel the cloud of confusion that he feels surrounding him, but they're loud and familiar, even barely so, and he clings to that, letting them lead him through the inner tunnels. Presumably, they know where they're going.
"Think the Council will put us up again for the night?" Siwon mumbles after a few silent minutes of navigating the crowds, his hands in his pockets, looking as if he doesn't feel like he quite belongs here.
Rella doesn't seem to care. "They always do. Us brave souls fighting for their freedom." He makes a grimace, slapping a hand on Changmin's arm. "How do you like it so far? Is it everything you dreamed the last human stronghold could be?"
Changmin rubs absently at his arm, looks at the low buildings and deep caverns. "It looks like the last," he mumbles, eyes wandering around them. "Wouldn't it be smarter to have small, multiple cities? Rather than one concentrated defense?" He's talking at random, he knows, but his mind feels more at ease once it understands the logic behind something.
"Perish the thought," Rella smirks. "We're humans, not machines. We're not supposed to be smart."
Passers by bearing no holes in their arms throw him disapproving glances, brushing past in the tiny passages. Siwon takes his other arm, directing him out of the other man's grasp. "There's no space for other cities. The machines have taken everything."
Changmin falls silent, trailing behind them through a narrow tunnel. "What meeting was Xiah talking about?"
Siwon glances at Rella, then back at him. "More of a rally than a meeting. The Council and the Captains are conferring on our next moves."
Rella smirks. "Like the monkey said: it's a party." It earns him a dark look. "What? He said it and I can't?"
A sigh. "Xiah has more charm. And no matter who says it, it's disrespectful. It's a way to incite hope, not to get drunk and fuck."
Rella snorts, muttering under his breath. "Just cause you aren't getting any..."
Siwon blushes like a kid, Changmin notes and tries to push back the memory of the two of them on the screen. It's none of his business, what they do or don't do together, but it reminds him of what Jaejoong wanted and how he felt and the sentiment is lost. He does care. It's his only connection to this world he doesn't grasp otherwise.
***
Xiah is entirely too stealthy for the amount of energy he has. He finds them somehow amongst the throngs of people shifting and pressing against each other in the caves, Changmin's heart leaping in his chest when a hand seizes his. The sight that greets him brings a slight smile to his features, even as something clenches in his stomach. The operator looks well and throughly fucked, cheeks flushed and eyes still half-lidded. He radiates happiness in a way that outshines all of his companions, and distantly, Changmin wonders if these people are the only ones who can feel this way. If he and the others lost a part of themselves when leaving the Matrix. If it can be fixed.
Micky saunters up beside them, hugging his arms around Xiah's shoulders and toying absently with the shorter man's hair. "I hope you at least got to see some of the city. Knowing Rella, you experienced the inside of a liquor bottle and that's about it."
"Shut up," the redhead laughs, mimicking Micky's pose around Changmin's shoulders. He doesn't find it uncomfortable but then, it's not about him; he knows that somehow. "It was a good liquor bottle. Not that engine grease shit Xiah scrounges up on the ship. I swear that stuff is poison."
Insulted, the operator flips him off. "Just like the stuff you cook, Cinderella."
His eyes drift from their easy banter to the gathered crowd. Everyone in Zion is young. He wonders what that says about the place, about their lifespan. Skin riddled with holes brushes against smooth, flawless arms, just like his used to look not so long ago. It's eerie and uninhibited, but it could just as easily be a rave somewhere in the Matrix. It could just as easily all be a memory.
He spots Han Geng coming towards them, steps clear and measured, his eyes brightening slightly when they lock gazes. "Everything okay?" he asks, not making an effort to raise his voice above the drums beginning to sound some tribal rhythm in the distance.
Changmin finds himself nodding. Okay, as in alive and free, whatever that means. He doubts Han Geng expects anything more.
Xiah tugs free of Micky's hold, grabbing at Han Geng's hand. "Once the music starts, you're going to dance with us," he orders, reaching to tug at Changmin's shirt. "You too, newbie."
Han Geng smiles, gaze flicking predictably to Siwon, but the younger man just stares at the ground, sullen with Junsu's affections towards their quiet pilot. Changmin has spent all of a week around the two men, and already he wants to just push the them in a room and lock the door. Rella has no such restraint.
"Sorry there, Siwon. Looks like you'll have to find yourself another groping partner."
"You're not offering?" The taller man grins, even if it looks strained. "That's a first." His gaze stays stubbornly fixed on Rella wavering between contempt and amusement.
The drum beat grows louder and louder, claiming Changmin's attention before he can catch Rella's reply. The other man taps his back to the beat, skin radiating with something that isn't quite pain but isn't quite pleasure either. And when the crescendo breaks, so does Rella's interest, his hands tugging him out of the alcove instead and into the throng.
Changmin wants to protest, is tempted to pull away and try to find his way back to the others. But something tells him they're all similarly occupied and not in the mood for interruption. Nor is Rella in the mood to do anything but insist, an arm looping behind Changmin's neck and a smirk on his lips.
"You don't get to play wallflower tonight."
"I don't... dance," he calls to the other man, drum beats and something decidedly techno drowning out every word. Not that hearing them might make Rella listen.
The redhead grins, dragging him closer until their bodies are flush together, until Changmin is getting flashbacks to a time when standing so close to another man--to Jaejoong--was rare opportunity.
He feels his face heat, looking away even as a warm voice pours into his ear over the sounds of the drums. "Don't worry. I'm a horrible dancer. But you...I've seen what your hips can do." A wicked laugh and Changmin's face is on fire with the knowledge, trying to pull back.
There's no room, because suddenly Siwon is there, flat chest against his back, hands on his hips and the memories are not only eating him up inside, they're devouring him, limb by limb until he's raw meat between them, whimpering and trying not to scream because it's not like anyone'll hear him. It didn't cross his mind before, but they would've seen--known--what Jaejoong did to him inside the Matrix, what they did together. They probably all had a good laugh about it after he unplugged. The thought leaves him shaking with anger and heartache. He told Jaejoong he loved him; they probably saw that, too.
Rella's fingers slide over the back of his head, over the hole he knows is there.
His tears are hot on his cheeks.
Rella is unforgiving, eyes intent on him as they move, never giving a goddamn inch and Changmin wants to hate him. Siwon's hand slides over his chest, lips by his ear and Changmin shuts his eyes as warm breath ghosts over his cheek.
"Ignore him. He doesn't understand how much it hurts."
Let me go, he wants to say, party the last thing on his mind. If it's a custom, it's one he wants to part in. If it's a fad, they can enjoy it without him like they have until a week ago. He wants back. God, he wants back into the Matrix.
Changmin doesn't realize he's spoken out loud until he feels Siwon freeze against his back, until Rella's eyes meet his darkly.
"He is so not worth all this grief."
It's the second time he's said something of that ilk and rather than comfort, it sends anger flushing into Changmin's face, hot in his ears. "What do you know?" he spits, the sound choked with emotion. "Who do you care about besides yourself?"
Siwon strokes his chest, hand dipping below his waist as if that's going to soothe him. It has the opposite effect, Changmin rounding on him with a barely contained snarl. "Don't you fucking touch me! Just because you fuck him for God knows what reason doesn't mean you get to do the same to me--"
Rella laughs, drawing back just as Changmin makes to fit his fist into that smirking, irritating face. "And here I was beginning to think you were a robot," he grins, the words clearer on his lips than any sound.
Siwon looks stricken but Changmin doesn't feel sorry. Can't feel sorry. He hates above all else being manipulated and that's what this place is--a constant deception to provoke response, the response they want. And he's sick of playing this game. Jaejoong's. Rella's.
He's ready to hit them, to make them hurt like he's hurting, but he can't muster the strength to lift his arms when Rella moves in, expression impassive and dangerous, his fingers splayed against his sides. "You're not ready for this," he murmurs. His demeanor changes completely, maneuvering rather pulling and pushing, nudging Changmin through the crowd and up into another alcove, high from the brush of bodies against his own. "Come on," he presses, motioning for him to climb up.
There is a momentary staring match between them, wills battling behind their eyes before Changmin grits his teeth and does as told, climbing up beside Rella. Shoulders tense with anger and suspicion, he glares at him, eyes red-rimmed.
"What?"
The redhead shrugs, attitude changing again, as if pretending the past moments never took place. "Nothing," he answers finally, "I just thought you could use the chance to see the world from a different perspective." It's almost reason enough for Changmin to shove him out, but he lacks the strength and the will to do it is draining out with every passing second.
Over swaying bodies, he watches Siwon alone in the crowd, looking for someone. He's been with these men a week and already he knows. A woman joins him and he darts a look to Rella, the other man's interest engaged by another couple down below.
"You were Hero's mission," Rella tells him over the pounding rhythm. "And now it's over. Deal with it."
He inhales sharply, pushing back the sting that comes with the blunt words. No. He's cried enough. He won't give the other the satisfaction of it. "So that's how it works? Were you his 'misson', too? Siwon? Is that why you hate him so much?"
"Jaejoong was meant to arouse your interest in us. He went too far." It's spoken without heat, like a parent explaining a complicated concept to a child. Rella meets his eyes almost sadly. "I don't hate him. I just think he's overrated." He shrugs again, dragging his knees under him and reclining back against the stone. It isn't long before his hand travels up Changmin's back, slipping under his shirt with a quiet: "Relax. Geez, you're seriously tense."
Gritting his teeth, he bites back the urge to pull away, too tired to fight anymore. "How can I relax? How can..." he trails off, nodding to Xiah and Micky's small, distant figures, arms wrapped around each other's necks and lost in their own little world. "How can anybody be as happy as them in a place like this?"
If Rella has the answer, he doesn't offer to share. Instead, he only smirks and nods. "I'm with you, actually. I think if this is freedom, I might as well have preferred to stay inside," he muses, absently circling the plugs on his spine with his fingertips. "It's dirty, it's cold. We're always on the run... there's pretty much no chance of ever beating the machines... we're fucked."
Shivering distantly at the touch, Changmin lets out a low laugh. "Welcome to the real fucking world."
Authors: butterflyweb and nemesis_cry
Genre: Sci Fi, Matrix!AU
Rating: NC-17 overall
Pairings: JaeMin, JaeHo, YooSu, SiChul, SiHan, MinChul
Warnings: sex, violence, language, character death
Summary: Things are rarely as they seem. Especially in a world governed by machines.
| Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 |
Someone knocks on his door loud enough to startle him out of nightmares of asphyxiation and thick, pink fluid. He ambles out of bed after short moments of confusion, memories of how he came to be here skittering sharp and cold, like shard of ice along his skin until being along with himself is liable to leave him doing something stupid.
Above, the main deck is empty, the kitchens too. It's not until he climbs up the final ladder to the cockpit that he finds the whole crew amassed, Xiah's voice loud and excited as he prattles about something to do with starfish.
"What's going on?" he murmurs, close enough to Jaejoong that he hopes the other man will answer.
Jaejoong spares him a brief glance, quiet and blank as he has been since Changmin had arrived. But he responds, arms crossed over his chest. "We're coming into Zion now. Refuel, restock. Xiah hasn't shut up about Micky for the past hour or two."
Siwon snorts beside him. "God help us all if his other half doesn't come on this tour."
His presence attracts Xiah's attention whose eyes have never shone brighter. He slides between the chairs and loops his arms around his throat so tight it's likely to suffocate him.
"Landing protocols take so long," he complains, grinning broadly. "Aren't you excited? I'm so excited."
"Yes, we know," Siwon sighs, trying to make it look like he's interested in the view and not the man driving them closer and closer to the fortified walls before them.
Xiah's enthusiasm is catching, if not entirely swaying, and Changmin feels his spirits lift, giving the other man a small smile in return. The operator takes hold of his hand, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet in his impatience.
"Xiah, if you don't quit staring at the back of my head, you're going to burn holes in it," Han Geng mutters, flicking a series of switches. "We'll land when we land."
U-Know nods, the tiniest jerk of his chin turning the man from statue to human being. He brushes past Changmin on his way out, a hand on his shoulder that's no doubt meant to help him relax tightening his muscles with tension. Nobody's actually told him anything about Zion, about what he'll find there when they land. He's been following blind faith for almost five days and he's beginning to realize ignorance is not something he'll get used to.
He makes to stop U-Know, but Jaejoong is there, catching his hand instead. His palm is cold and thin, but strangely familiar and it stops his questions.
"You should lie down," Rella calls over his shoulder. "The way in is always a little bumpy."
Thin lips draw into a line, but Jaejoong doesn't turn. His hand tightens around Changmin's briefly. "He's right. I'll take you back," he offers and though he doesn't need an escort, it's the warmest Changmin's felt since getting here. He's not about to turn him down.
He leads him out of the cockpit, boots clanging dulling on the metal grates and up the stairs. Towards the main deck, not the barracks, and Changmin is confused, but not objecting. It's the most attention the other man has given him in days and he can only hope that somehow, this is making amends. That Jaejoong will have a reason.
Past the screens and the chairs, Jaejoong taps at a monitor, setting up a program.
"I want you to come in with me," he murmurs. "We have some time."
He doesn't ask for what, he's too busy trying to contain the fluttering of wings in his chest, thinking of a poem he read once about hope. He can remember trivial things like that now, Jaejoong hasn't forgotten him. Hasn't stopped caring.
Part of him instills caution, begs him to be wary as he seats himself down comfortably, waiting for the familiar push and plug into whatever program Jaejoong has picked out.
The other man taps a button on the wall, speakers crackling with static. "Rella, get your ass down to main. I need you to plug us in."
Jaejoong's gaze turns back to him, a smile that's almost familiar on his features. He reaches for the plug hanging beside the headrest, lifting it free. A cold hand rests on Changmin's cheek. "I'll meet you inside, okay?"
***
"Cut him some slack. He's trying to do his best by you."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Sure you don't. Just like you don't know that chair you're sitting in is just a piece of code. But maybe you just don't care. Now that would be more accurate..."
***
Instead of the white room he's become so used to, Changmin wakes in a hotel room, the lights dim around him, expensive sheets stretched over a large bed. It even smells real.
"You like it?" Jaejoong's voice is soft and suave, just like it used to be. His hair is that same, shocking white, brushing his cheekbones, eyes bright and warm. Changmin swallows hard. Lets his fingertips run along the fabric of the comforter, feels the slide of satin. The slight catch.
"I..."
Strong arms wrap around him, everything so warm and soft, so unlike the outside. "I miss you. Miss having you like this."
He sees Jaejoong in his bed, what feels like an eternity ago, sees him writhe and moan and touch him like he cares. He sees the potential to get that back. He sees, too, the small screen and Rella with his head thrown back, Siwon sinking to his knees before him while in reality they neither love nor want each other.
The latter stings.
"Did you ever... love me?" he finds himself asking, voice so soft it's almost a whisper.
Jaejoong touches his face, smooths his thumb over the rise of his cheek. "Yes. I did. Of course I did." A featherlight kiss to the corner of mouth. "All that time we spent, you couldn't tell? You didn't know?"
It's a lie. He can't explain how he knows, it's just a feeling, something deep inside him rebelling because outwardly he can't move out of Jaejoong's grasp--out of the chair he's lying in in the real world. That's where he is. Not here. Not in this room, with this man.
"Then why haven't you spoken to me in days?" Why do you run every time I try to come near you? Why are you so disgusted?
"Changmin..." The other man sighs. His eyes are dark. Troubled, and full of frustration. "What am I supposed to do? You can't love someone out there. Just...the ugliness and the dark and..." He cuts himself off, fists tightening. "Wouldn't you rather have me like this? In a place like this, looking like myself?"
He frowns, not understanding. "This isn't real, Jaejoong." He figures it's okay to use real names, here. In some backward kind of way, it makes sense. "This is all just... code. I saw it. You're not actually touching me. You don't actually look like this." I don't, he wants to say, wondering why it should matter, if it's love, if it's more than a fuck to relieve tension.
Jaejoong's jaw tightens, stepping back. "You sound like him. Why can't you get it? This is us. This is who I was my entire life. And it was my life. I had a family and I had friends and they weren't fake. It wasn't a figment of my goddamn imagination!" He ends in a shout, dropping to sit on the bed.
"Coming to see you...it was the best part of my day, Changmin."
"While the rest of the time... you were with him." It feels strange to be jealous, after everything that's happened, everything he's seen and felt and discovered, but it's there, the emotion as powerful as his fear of it. He trusts U-Know, as if there's some unspoken rule telling him he should, but he resents him too. For getting him out. For taking Jaejoong away.
If he even had him in the first place.
"Why take me out if you liked having me in that... reality? Why even bother? I didn't ask for this! I didn't want any of it!" He's screaming and his pulse is racing and he's tired. Of the lies, of the liars. "Why if you're going to make me choose between having you from across the room once in a while and not at all? How is that even a choice?"
"It wasn't my decision! I tried to put them off for as long as I could I...I wanted you to stay there!" Jaejoong punches the wall in frustration, kicks it. "Here... I wish we both could be back but this...this is the closest thing we fucking have."
Maybe knowing it's all an illusion is what makes him ache for it to be real. Maybe it's what makes him ache to get as far away from Jaejoong as he can rather than any closer. It shouldn't be like that. It's so wrong.
"Stand-by for exit," Rella's voice interrupts their lovers' spat from the off, the last thing he sees before him being Jaejoong's eyes, red-rimmed and angry.
When he comes to, his whole body's shaking, breaths short and ragged.
Rella pulls the plug free from Jaejoong, the other man pulling away as soon as he can, footsteps clicking along the metal deck. His features are etched in misery and Changmin can only close his eyes, feeling tears slip from under his eyelashes to slide along his cheek, stinging and hot. He feels the release of the plug, the scrape of Rella's fingertips over his cheek, clearing away the salt.
"Come on. Cry about him later. We're docking." The words are blunt, but not unkind, and Changmin nods, taking a shaky breath.
***
By the time he drags himself to the lower decks, Rella close behind, the others have gathered already, the on-ramp being lowered like a draw-bridge in some ancient castle in a history book. U-Know nods, but he's the only one to acknowledge him. Xiah, for his part, is too busy shaking the floors as he bounds up and down, anticipation barely contained in tight fists.
Changmin looks away, wiping guiltily at his eyes and wanting nothing better than to crawl under a rock somewhere and die.
When the ramp finally hits ground, Xiah tears from the ship like a wild thing, bag whacking against his back with every step he takes. He's shouting some form of nonsense as he edges through the small crowd of people until he finally reaches his destination: a single man standing and waving like a loon.
Xiah practically tackles him to the ground, arms wrapped in a vice-like grip around his shoulders, and kisses him without reservation, a hand tangling in the other's long, black hair.
It takes Rella's scoff to stir him from the scene, the other man smirking, arms crossed over his chest. "I give it another two minutes before Xiah catches on that he's suffocating him."
"Let's try to avoid that murder-suicide scenario, shall we?" U-Know sighs with a tired smile, leading the others out into the landing bay. It's a strange scene, like something out of a science fiction film, but it's earthy, too, and gray. Just like the ship.
By the time they reach Xiah and the other man, the two still haven't stopped kissing, hands and lips finding each other's almost naturally. He finds himself staring, steps slowing to a halt. Thankfully, he's not the only one.
Rella taps a hand against a broad, unfamiliar shoulder and his greeting is met with no protest. The other man smirks and goes back to kissing the operator.
"So what do you figure, Boss? Downtime until tomorrow?" Xiah couldn't look more hopeful, he notes, and Han Geng doesn't look adverse to a rest either. Does the man ever sleep or is he always up there, manning the controls?
U-Know shakes his head. "Forty-eight hours. I've heard from the Council."
Xiah lets out a whoop, kissing the stranger hard, before turning to him, grabbing his hand. "We have to make introductions. Max, this is Micky. Micky, Max. We picked him up about a week ago. Micky is nowhere near as new and interesting as you, but we like him anyway."
It earns him a slap to his shoulder, and a hand extended Changmin's way, the other man's smile warm and friendly. "Nice to meet you, Max. Welcome to Zion."
"Thanks," he nods, smiling because it's the polite thing to do and because it reminds him of some measure of normality.
Jaejoong brushes past, getting lost in the crowd before Changmin has even had time to look and he tells himself that doesn't hurt. He focuses on what matters instead.
"Council?" he repeats, searching U-Know's gaze.
"Everyone with a ship and more than five years of existence under his or her belt, basically," Xiah supplies, taking a break from kissing his lover to stand and drag the other man to his feet. "Lot of pomp for nothing, although they do throw some nice parties. Bread and circuses, right?" He stops to consider what he'd said. "Well, the bread's mostly a joke. Protein grub for all."
He receives another smack and a snort of amusement from Siwon. "And that's Junsu's take on our greatest achievement since the beginnings of the revolution."
It's the first time he's heard the word and it makes him think of Russian czars and Lenin, but most definitely not of machines and post-apocalyptic cities. The misconception is striking but far from the first to have plagued him since waking up in this new world. He wants to ask more, he wants to understand, but the moment is shattered, Rella dragging an arm around his shoulders and tugging him along, Siwon and Han Geng following.
He has no voice to protest.
***
They lose Xiah to Micky within moments of entering the city, the operator's promises to find them at the 'meeting' dying off as he gets tugged through the crowds. U-Know is accosted by another Captain, Han Geng disappearing with a soft comment to Siwon. "Visiting his family," the other explains, and looks after him wistfully. Jaejoong is nowhere to be found.
He is left with Rella and Siwon in a city that is more alien to him than anything he's seen so far. Their company does nothing to dispel the cloud of confusion that he feels surrounding him, but they're loud and familiar, even barely so, and he clings to that, letting them lead him through the inner tunnels. Presumably, they know where they're going.
"Think the Council will put us up again for the night?" Siwon mumbles after a few silent minutes of navigating the crowds, his hands in his pockets, looking as if he doesn't feel like he quite belongs here.
Rella doesn't seem to care. "They always do. Us brave souls fighting for their freedom." He makes a grimace, slapping a hand on Changmin's arm. "How do you like it so far? Is it everything you dreamed the last human stronghold could be?"
Changmin rubs absently at his arm, looks at the low buildings and deep caverns. "It looks like the last," he mumbles, eyes wandering around them. "Wouldn't it be smarter to have small, multiple cities? Rather than one concentrated defense?" He's talking at random, he knows, but his mind feels more at ease once it understands the logic behind something.
"Perish the thought," Rella smirks. "We're humans, not machines. We're not supposed to be smart."
Passers by bearing no holes in their arms throw him disapproving glances, brushing past in the tiny passages. Siwon takes his other arm, directing him out of the other man's grasp. "There's no space for other cities. The machines have taken everything."
Changmin falls silent, trailing behind them through a narrow tunnel. "What meeting was Xiah talking about?"
Siwon glances at Rella, then back at him. "More of a rally than a meeting. The Council and the Captains are conferring on our next moves."
Rella smirks. "Like the monkey said: it's a party." It earns him a dark look. "What? He said it and I can't?"
A sigh. "Xiah has more charm. And no matter who says it, it's disrespectful. It's a way to incite hope, not to get drunk and fuck."
Rella snorts, muttering under his breath. "Just cause you aren't getting any..."
Siwon blushes like a kid, Changmin notes and tries to push back the memory of the two of them on the screen. It's none of his business, what they do or don't do together, but it reminds him of what Jaejoong wanted and how he felt and the sentiment is lost. He does care. It's his only connection to this world he doesn't grasp otherwise.
***
Xiah is entirely too stealthy for the amount of energy he has. He finds them somehow amongst the throngs of people shifting and pressing against each other in the caves, Changmin's heart leaping in his chest when a hand seizes his. The sight that greets him brings a slight smile to his features, even as something clenches in his stomach. The operator looks well and throughly fucked, cheeks flushed and eyes still half-lidded. He radiates happiness in a way that outshines all of his companions, and distantly, Changmin wonders if these people are the only ones who can feel this way. If he and the others lost a part of themselves when leaving the Matrix. If it can be fixed.
Micky saunters up beside them, hugging his arms around Xiah's shoulders and toying absently with the shorter man's hair. "I hope you at least got to see some of the city. Knowing Rella, you experienced the inside of a liquor bottle and that's about it."
"Shut up," the redhead laughs, mimicking Micky's pose around Changmin's shoulders. He doesn't find it uncomfortable but then, it's not about him; he knows that somehow. "It was a good liquor bottle. Not that engine grease shit Xiah scrounges up on the ship. I swear that stuff is poison."
Insulted, the operator flips him off. "Just like the stuff you cook, Cinderella."
His eyes drift from their easy banter to the gathered crowd. Everyone in Zion is young. He wonders what that says about the place, about their lifespan. Skin riddled with holes brushes against smooth, flawless arms, just like his used to look not so long ago. It's eerie and uninhibited, but it could just as easily be a rave somewhere in the Matrix. It could just as easily all be a memory.
He spots Han Geng coming towards them, steps clear and measured, his eyes brightening slightly when they lock gazes. "Everything okay?" he asks, not making an effort to raise his voice above the drums beginning to sound some tribal rhythm in the distance.
Changmin finds himself nodding. Okay, as in alive and free, whatever that means. He doubts Han Geng expects anything more.
Xiah tugs free of Micky's hold, grabbing at Han Geng's hand. "Once the music starts, you're going to dance with us," he orders, reaching to tug at Changmin's shirt. "You too, newbie."
Han Geng smiles, gaze flicking predictably to Siwon, but the younger man just stares at the ground, sullen with Junsu's affections towards their quiet pilot. Changmin has spent all of a week around the two men, and already he wants to just push the them in a room and lock the door. Rella has no such restraint.
"Sorry there, Siwon. Looks like you'll have to find yourself another groping partner."
"You're not offering?" The taller man grins, even if it looks strained. "That's a first." His gaze stays stubbornly fixed on Rella wavering between contempt and amusement.
The drum beat grows louder and louder, claiming Changmin's attention before he can catch Rella's reply. The other man taps his back to the beat, skin radiating with something that isn't quite pain but isn't quite pleasure either. And when the crescendo breaks, so does Rella's interest, his hands tugging him out of the alcove instead and into the throng.
Changmin wants to protest, is tempted to pull away and try to find his way back to the others. But something tells him they're all similarly occupied and not in the mood for interruption. Nor is Rella in the mood to do anything but insist, an arm looping behind Changmin's neck and a smirk on his lips.
"You don't get to play wallflower tonight."
"I don't... dance," he calls to the other man, drum beats and something decidedly techno drowning out every word. Not that hearing them might make Rella listen.
The redhead grins, dragging him closer until their bodies are flush together, until Changmin is getting flashbacks to a time when standing so close to another man--to Jaejoong--was rare opportunity.
He feels his face heat, looking away even as a warm voice pours into his ear over the sounds of the drums. "Don't worry. I'm a horrible dancer. But you...I've seen what your hips can do." A wicked laugh and Changmin's face is on fire with the knowledge, trying to pull back.
There's no room, because suddenly Siwon is there, flat chest against his back, hands on his hips and the memories are not only eating him up inside, they're devouring him, limb by limb until he's raw meat between them, whimpering and trying not to scream because it's not like anyone'll hear him. It didn't cross his mind before, but they would've seen--known--what Jaejoong did to him inside the Matrix, what they did together. They probably all had a good laugh about it after he unplugged. The thought leaves him shaking with anger and heartache. He told Jaejoong he loved him; they probably saw that, too.
Rella's fingers slide over the back of his head, over the hole he knows is there.
His tears are hot on his cheeks.
Rella is unforgiving, eyes intent on him as they move, never giving a goddamn inch and Changmin wants to hate him. Siwon's hand slides over his chest, lips by his ear and Changmin shuts his eyes as warm breath ghosts over his cheek.
"Ignore him. He doesn't understand how much it hurts."
Let me go, he wants to say, party the last thing on his mind. If it's a custom, it's one he wants to part in. If it's a fad, they can enjoy it without him like they have until a week ago. He wants back. God, he wants back into the Matrix.
Changmin doesn't realize he's spoken out loud until he feels Siwon freeze against his back, until Rella's eyes meet his darkly.
"He is so not worth all this grief."
It's the second time he's said something of that ilk and rather than comfort, it sends anger flushing into Changmin's face, hot in his ears. "What do you know?" he spits, the sound choked with emotion. "Who do you care about besides yourself?"
Siwon strokes his chest, hand dipping below his waist as if that's going to soothe him. It has the opposite effect, Changmin rounding on him with a barely contained snarl. "Don't you fucking touch me! Just because you fuck him for God knows what reason doesn't mean you get to do the same to me--"
Rella laughs, drawing back just as Changmin makes to fit his fist into that smirking, irritating face. "And here I was beginning to think you were a robot," he grins, the words clearer on his lips than any sound.
Siwon looks stricken but Changmin doesn't feel sorry. Can't feel sorry. He hates above all else being manipulated and that's what this place is--a constant deception to provoke response, the response they want. And he's sick of playing this game. Jaejoong's. Rella's.
He's ready to hit them, to make them hurt like he's hurting, but he can't muster the strength to lift his arms when Rella moves in, expression impassive and dangerous, his fingers splayed against his sides. "You're not ready for this," he murmurs. His demeanor changes completely, maneuvering rather pulling and pushing, nudging Changmin through the crowd and up into another alcove, high from the brush of bodies against his own. "Come on," he presses, motioning for him to climb up.
There is a momentary staring match between them, wills battling behind their eyes before Changmin grits his teeth and does as told, climbing up beside Rella. Shoulders tense with anger and suspicion, he glares at him, eyes red-rimmed.
"What?"
The redhead shrugs, attitude changing again, as if pretending the past moments never took place. "Nothing," he answers finally, "I just thought you could use the chance to see the world from a different perspective." It's almost reason enough for Changmin to shove him out, but he lacks the strength and the will to do it is draining out with every passing second.
Over swaying bodies, he watches Siwon alone in the crowd, looking for someone. He's been with these men a week and already he knows. A woman joins him and he darts a look to Rella, the other man's interest engaged by another couple down below.
"You were Hero's mission," Rella tells him over the pounding rhythm. "And now it's over. Deal with it."
He inhales sharply, pushing back the sting that comes with the blunt words. No. He's cried enough. He won't give the other the satisfaction of it. "So that's how it works? Were you his 'misson', too? Siwon? Is that why you hate him so much?"
"Jaejoong was meant to arouse your interest in us. He went too far." It's spoken without heat, like a parent explaining a complicated concept to a child. Rella meets his eyes almost sadly. "I don't hate him. I just think he's overrated." He shrugs again, dragging his knees under him and reclining back against the stone. It isn't long before his hand travels up Changmin's back, slipping under his shirt with a quiet: "Relax. Geez, you're seriously tense."
Gritting his teeth, he bites back the urge to pull away, too tired to fight anymore. "How can I relax? How can..." he trails off, nodding to Xiah and Micky's small, distant figures, arms wrapped around each other's necks and lost in their own little world. "How can anybody be as happy as them in a place like this?"
If Rella has the answer, he doesn't offer to share. Instead, he only smirks and nods. "I'm with you, actually. I think if this is freedom, I might as well have preferred to stay inside," he muses, absently circling the plugs on his spine with his fingertips. "It's dirty, it's cold. We're always on the run... there's pretty much no chance of ever beating the machines... we're fucked."
Shivering distantly at the touch, Changmin lets out a low laugh. "Welcome to the real fucking world."