Eron in the Deadlands Second Installment

[hpkomic]

Wall of text, cut below features the narrative.

Comments

[eleika]

I like the details, but the delivery needs work. I am nonetheless intrigued and want more (dammit). :)

[hpkomic]

Any suggestions on the delivery then?

[eleika]

The narrative is somewhat expository and could use some spicing up. There are some cool ideas that deserve more attention than the delivery gives them. Vary your sentence structure a bit more to add drama and emotion. And watch those commas. You've used them a few times where there is a pause in the narrative that doesn't tend to grammmatically feature them (it works a little more when a character uses that, but even in the dialogue I noticed it as a blanket feature). :)