Fic: A Ducky Predicament (Remus, Sirius, Harry, gen; PG)
Title: A Ducky Predicament
by Topaz Eyes
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Lily; totally gen
Rating: PG
Disclaimers: Characters owned by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, Warner Bros and other entities. I just borrow for my amusement.
Word Count: 4019
A/N: Reposted for the "Everything Old Is New Again" challenge. This was originally written for ignipes, based on her prompt from a drabble prompt request fest in March 2006. Beta'ed by the ever-patient jazzypom. Note that no ducks were actually harmed at any time during the writing of this story.
And the prompt: After it was over, they agreed it would be best never to mention the ducks ever again.
There were many things that Sirius Black fancied himself to be: an international man of mystery; a Wizard of great renown; and when it came to his godson Harry, the best baby-minder ever.
(The latter, of course, was only in his own mind but he could be forgiven that as he was so besotted with Harry. Most times.)
Sitting for Harry was never any great trouble for Sirius. He adored the sprog as much as he would his own son. Indeed, the trouble was often in trying to pry Harry away from him. In human form, Sirius was reluctant to relinquish his charge; in his Animagus form, he had been known to growl at anyone who came within three feet of the baby-including James and Lily at times. James often joked that they should simply freeze him in his canine form and they'd have the perfect guard dog.
Thursday dawned bright and sunny, the type of day that came round only rarely in London anymore: the air fresh and scented with new grass and early blooms; the sky nothing but springtime blue; the type of day where the ever-present spectre of Death Eaters could be pushed far to the back of one's mind. It was the perfect day to go to a park and lounge in the sunshine without needing to worry about anything.
At least the big things, anyway.
So on this brilliant spring day, when James Flooed to ask if Sirius would mind Harry for the afternoon while he and Lily went on a hastily-arranged visit to Petunia Dursley's, Sirius was only too eager to oblige. He immediately dropped the Shine-All cloth he was using to polish his already-gleaming motorbike and stepped through the Floo, pausing only to scribble a brief note for Remus and Peter to join him at the Potters' flat.
"Sirius, thank you so much, I know it's very short notice but we really do appreciate this," Lily thrust a drooling Harry into Sirius' arms before he was even able to spell the remaining ash off his shirt, and raised her wand to Summon her coat. "James and I will be back from Petunia's by tea time at the latest," she continued in a rush. "We'd take Harry of course but Petunia doesn't want Dudley to catch his cold."
"Likely story," James muttered, standing all ready to go; looking as if he'd do something, anything else, like tending the Mandrakes in the greenhouse at Hogwarts-or scrub the Quidditch locker room toilets by hand with Argus Filch--rather than accompany his wife. Lily frowned at him but otherwise ignored it as she was too busy shrugging on her coat and talking at the same time.
"Now there are clean nappies folded on the bureau, milk's in the icebox and his dummy's in his bag--"
"Lily, I have minded him before you know," Sirius protested (he was the world's best baby-minder ever, surely she knew that?), as he raised Harry above his head and jiggled him. "And we always have a grand time, don't we, mate?"
Harry gurgled and blew a spit bubble in reply.
"Padfoot, you know how Lils goes on--" James began-and was soundly nudged in the ribs by his wife, hard enough to cause him to stumble and dislodge his glasses. "Owww!"
"We'll be all right, Lily," Sirius entreated, gracing Lily with his most charming smile. The smile that had melted McGonagall's heart at Hogwarts even as she'd scolded him for countless pranks and misdeeds. The smile that stole maidens, slayed virtue, made friends and influenced people. The smile that in her normal frame of mind, Lily never trusted because she knew it meant no good. (Fortunately for Sirius she was too distracted right now.) "Really," he continued. "Moony and Wormtail will be dropping by in a bit, we'll play with Harry until he's right knackered, and he'll fall asleep in no time. No worries."
Lily looked around, flustered, not hearing him, her hair flying about like a banshee on fire. "Did I forget anything? What else is there... Oh yes, Harry's teething, he'll chew on anything he can get his hands on so have a care..."
"Got it, Lils," Sirius said, shaking his head in exasperation. Really, didn't the silly woman know how he deserved his (admittedly self-professed) title of best babysitter in the Wizarding world? (Except for that one incident when Harry had gotten trapped inside his baby bottle. But that didn't count.) "Now off you go, before you're late."
James and Lily headed to the front door of the flat, Lily still pensive. "I know I'm still forgetting something very important--" she muttered to herself, shaking her head in frustration.
"Wave bye-bye to Mum and Daddy--" Sirius cooed to Harry, then stopped in surprise. "Wait, Prongs, won't they let you use the Floo? It's safer," Sirius called out as he chucked Harry's wet chin.
James glowered. "Ugly bint of a sister won't let her fire be hooked up to the Network, even temporarily, so we have to Apparate."
Lily shot James a withering look. "They don't know about the war with Voldemort, James."
"Bloody hell they don't!"
"JAMES. I hope you're better behaved when we get there."
"On my best behavior, I solemnly swear," James replied grudgingly, and held up his hand boy scout style. They stepped into the front hallway.
"Have a good time, Prongsie," Sirius called out after him. James scowled and flipped him two fingers as they Apparated.
The flat fell silent with their departure, save for Harry's baby chortles as he pulled on the chain of the collar Sirius wore around his neck. Sirius gazed at his godson fondly. "Let's say we wait for Uncle Moony and Uncle Wormy then we'll go out for a bit ourselves, yeah?"
Just at that moment they heard a whoosh in the fireplace, and Sirius whirled round just in time to watch Remus spin into the fire. Remus stepped out, brushing the soot off his denims and patched jumper as Harry clapped delightedly.
"Well, hello young Harry," Remus said hoarsely after he spelled the remaining ash from his hair and boots. "Is Uncle Padfoot entertaining you well?"
"Bah!"
Remus nodded solemnly. "Bah. I see."
Sirius peered around him. "Wait. Wormy not with you?"
"He rang me earlier and begged off, claimed he was called into work for an extra shift."
Sirius passed Harry over to Remus. "He's always working these days," he said, a little perplexed. "Strange, that, you'd think he'd want to visit with Harry..." He then shrugged, deciding to ponder that later, and rubbed his hands together. "So, what shall we do today Moony? It's a lovely day out." He turned and looked outside the front window, only to whip around at--
"OUCH!" Remus yelped as tiny sharp teeth sank into his thumb.
"Oh right, Lils said he was teething," Sirius said off-handedly as Remus wrung his hand out. "Sorry there, old man."
Remus glared at him. "I'm sure you are. You could have warned me, you prat--!" He stuck his thumb into his mouth to stop the pain and Harry laughed.
Sirius ignored his protest. "We could take Harry to the park, yeah?"
Remus looked at Sirius skeptically. "Outside the flat? Is that wise, Padfoot? The Death Eaters--"
"Dumbledore's warded the whole neighbourhood, and the park is just blocks away," Sirius replied matter-of-factly. "We'll know straight off if there's a problem. Besides, the back yard is too shady and cramped to play in properly."
Remus snorted. "For you, you mean. I think you just want to run and laze in the sunshine."
Sirius grinned and shrugged and Summoned his black leather jacket. "It'll be fun, Moony. A great way to meet the ladies. Young attractive man with a baby and a dog is always a good magnet."
Remus shot him an askance look from narrowed eyes but said nothing.
"Really, it'll be fab. Don't be such a wet nancy. We'll have a picnic lunch and the sprog can play in the sandbox there." Sirius raised his wand; pumpkin pasties, sandwiches and utensils flew of their own accord into a wicker basket, followed by a red-and-green plaid blanket. The basket then tucked itself in neatly under Harry's pram.
The side of Remus' mouth twitched, then he shrugged too. "Right then. Shall we go and indulge your godfather's wish, Harry?"
Harry nodded and clapped with glee.
"Brilliant. That's my godson, a Potter through and through. Off we go, lads, off we go!"
*****
The park, only three blocks away from the Potters' flat, was situated on a wide and gently sloping riverbank. The shallow stream beyond meandered lazily through the valley, its small surface ripples glinting like tiny diamonds in the sun. The fine lawn of grass stopped just shy of the stream's edge, where a few stray patches of bulrushes hid the nesting areas of the resident waterfowl. A family of mallard ducks, a mother and her seven babies, paddled along the shore; a few elegant swans swam in middle of the water, cutting white swathes among the marshes.
It was indeed a fine late April day, sunny with just a few high clouds; after the past few weeks of grey and rainy weather the air felt light and brisk. The trees were in full bud, some approaching flower; Remus had to admit that it was a perfect spring day for an outing.
Sirius pushed the pram through the grass from the pavement, grinning widely and bristling with excitement. Harry sat up and looked around, pointing happily at the ducks along the riverbank and drooling. Even Remus felt himself relax. There weren't many people in the park, it being a Thursday afternoon, so they had the place almost all to themselves.
They stopped under a young willow not far from the shore, laying out the plaid blanket in the dappled shade. Sirius lifted Harry out of the pram and plopped him firmly at the edge of the blanket, while Remus set out the picnic tea. Sirius lay on the grass beside Harry, set his wand down, and started to play baby tug-of-war. Soon high-pitched baby giggles, mixed with Sirius' lower-toned chuckles, rang through the air.
It was peaceful and laid-back, as Remus and Sirius ate their sandwiches and pasties, and Harry gnawed on teething biscuits. By the end of their tea Harry was covered in drool-soaked pasty yellow mush. To Sirius' chagrin, not even his most advanced Cleaning spell seemed to remove the half-chewed biscuit from Harry's overalls.
Harry grew bored, and started to wiggle and creep away. Harry was just starting to crawl at nine months old, and soon Sirius was chasing after a surprisingly mobile tot, scooping him up before he got too far away towards the bank and setting him back on the blanket.
After one too many times, Sirius threw up his hands. "That's it, I'm tying the little beggar down," he panted. "He doesn't need a babysitter, he needs a full-time sheep dog!"
Remus, leaning against the trunk of the willow, looked up from his treatise on Horcruxes and shook his head. "You'd just be distracted by the ducks at the water's edge, Padfoot, it won't help."
"You could maybe help here yourself, Moony--"
"Well, there are Barrier spells you could use to keep Harry confined, didn't James or Lily teach you--?"
"You're the one mentioning them, so don't you know--?"
"I don't babysit enough to know how to use them, besides, aren't you supposedly the baby expert outside of Lily and Prongs?"
Remus and Sirius continued their bickering as if they had never left Hogwarts, Sirius' bark-like cadence contrasting with Remus' measured tones. Soon they became so involved that they did not notice Harry's keen interest in Sirius' wand on the blanket.
Harry reached out with one chubby hand and pulled the wand over to him. He held it in his hands and waved it merrily, bouncing on his nappied bottom. Then he gnawed at it, leaving tiny tooth impressions on the glossy handle. He babbled to the wand, entranced by the sudden orange sparks that emanated from one end.
"Wa-ba!" he replied, as if the wand were speaking to him. "Ma da wa ba!"
In the meantime, Remus' and Sirius' spat had escalated into something rather more heated.
"Look, Padfoot--"
"Are you maligning my talent at childcare, Moony?"
"Of course not, but--"
"If you're so grand a babysitter, why do they always call me then?"
"Perhaps because loyalty to James outweighs Lily's good sense--"
At this point Sirius actually lunged at him and soon they were rolling about and wrestling on the grass. As a result they became momentarily heedless of Harry who started to crawl off with the wand in one hand.
After about thirty seconds, both boys came to their senses and froze mid-scuffle when they realized Harry wasn't on the blanket where they'd thought they'd left him. "Where's Harry?" Sirius panted, leaping to his feet and frantically scanning the riverbank. "Harry? HARRY!" He turned toward Remus, his face frantic with fear.
Remus gasped for air (having had the breath knocked out of him by one well-placed elbow) and looked in the opposite direction. He heaved a sigh of relief and yanked Sirius' arm to get his attention.
"Padfoot, it's all right, he's over--" and trailed off, stunned.
Sirius whipped his head, following the direction of Remus' outstretched finger--just in time to watch baby Harry, who was sitting near the duckling nest ensconced by one of the patches of bulrushes, waving Sirius' wand and gurgling in glee.
Sirius sagged with relief, then stood agog; both men watching, numb, as Harry pointed the wand directly at himself.
"Moony, those are the wand flicks for--" Sirius began.
He never finished his sentence.
He and Remus could only stare, frozen in utter astonishment, as Harry Transfigured into a small, fluffy, mottled brown mallard duckling.
After a long confused moment at the spectacle, Remus recovered first. "Oh sweet Merlin--" he breathed, though still unable to move.
Harry-the-duckling cheeped and began to waddle cheerfully toward the riverbank.
Sirius gaped. "He Transfigured himself--" he whispered in disbelief. "He TRANSFIGURED himself--" Then he realized where Harry was heading. "He's heading toward the river!"
That unlocked both of them from their stasis, and they both lunged towards the small fledgling at the same time.
"Harry! STOP!"
But they traveled only two hurried steps before the mother mallard flew at them from her nest to fight them off with her wings and beak.
Remus and Sirius cowered under the onslaught of feathers and down, trying to shield their faces from the mother's enraged snapping of her beak, and their ears from her inhumanly loud quacking. Unable to defend themselves, not even with their wands, they soon beat a hasty retreat to a safe distance by the willow, watching helplessly as the mother mallard shepherded Harry back to her brood chirping in their nest.
Remus blinked, rubbing at the painful duck bite on his ear. "Oh brilliant, Padfoot, she's gone and adopted Harry! Now what do we do?"
"We get him back, you tosser!" Sirius retorted, voice lit with panic. "What do YOU think?"
"Sure, of course. But do YOU want to fight her again?"
"Do we have a ruddy CHOICE?"
Remus ran his hand through his sandy hair as he thought. "One of us will have to distract her," he said at last, "while the other scoops him up and Transfigures him back to normal."
Sirius nodded in agreement, then turned wide, terrified eyes on Remus as a terrifying thought struck him. "Did you notice what Harry looked like as a duckling before she took him? Can we even pick him out from the brood?"
Remus fought back his own little chortle of terror. "I-I don't remember," he admitted.
"Well, maybe we can reason this out then. How many ducklings are there?"
Remus thought a minute. "I counted seven when I first saw them along the bank. So that'd be eight now with Harry."
"Those aren't good odds," Sirius muttered, dejected. "But all we can do is try and hope we pick the right one." He began to pace as a cloud passed over the sun, momentarily casting them in shadow.
"So how are we going to go about Operation Rescue Fuzzy Duckling?" Remus demanded, scanning the riverbank. He could still hear cheeping from the bulrushes, which had to be a good sign.
Sirius sighed as the cloud drifted away, flooding the ground with sunshine again. "I'll Transform and chase her away from the nest. You wade in and pluck up Harry and hope she doesn't notice."
"You'll have to Transfigure Harry back to normal," Remus pointed out. "It was your wand that he used and the counter-spell will work only from the wand that cast the original."
"Right." Sirius inhaled a deep breath. "And hope the mum won't kill us in the process. Ready then?"
Remus nodded.
"GO!"
Sirius sprinted straight towards the nest and transformed mid-stride into the dog, barking to flush out the mother mallard. Remus ran around in a wide circle in the opposite direction, to approach the nest from behind while she was occupied and hoping to Merlin she wouldn't notice him.
As predicted, the mother mallard rose from her nest and dive-bombed towards the dog, quacking furiously. Remus ducked to scoop up Sirius' forgotten wand from the grass and pocketed it while he beelined towards the rushes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the mother mallard attack the dog, nipping at the dog's muzzle while the dog lunged back.
Falling to his knees in the muddy bank he parted the brown-tipped stalks to reveal the feather-lined nest tucked within. Eight tiny beaks squawked up at him and he hesitated, frantically trying to decide which of the wriggling little mottled-brown ducklings was Harry.
He heard a commotion and looked up, eyes wide with fear, to see a duck-shaped missile aimed straight for his face, the dog barking desperately behind her in an effort to distract her. He hurriedly turned back to the brood and finally spied a duckling that appeared to have a shock of disordered brown feathers on top of its head. He scooped up the wriggling chick, dismayed at how slippery and wriggly the bird was, and started to back away from the nest--
Only to land flat on his bum in the mud.
And get stuck in the suction of near-quicksand.
The mother mallard was only feet away now. Remus covered his head with one hand and held the duckling cupped against his chest with the other.
"Sirius!" he shouted. "Dammit, Sirius, I need you NOW!"
The mother mallard started to fly and squawk around his head, trying to dive at his arms. He tried to swat it away but to no avail.
"SIRIUS!"
"Over here, Moony!"
He glanced over to see Sirius' shoes from some distance away.
"Catch!"
Remus tossed Sirius his wand, hoping he didn't miss.
"Petrificus!"
The mother mallard froze mid-flight and hovered in the air just inches away from Remus' head for a split-second-then dropped like a lead weight into the water beside him, dousing Remus with a second shower of mud.
Sirius ran over to Remus and plucked the duckling from the crook of his arm. He set the waddling duckling down on the grass, aimed his wand--
And was immensely relieved to see Harry Transfigure back into his normal infant form, still happily burbling.
"Ba da ba da ma ba eee!"
Remus scrambled up from the mud and crawled away from the bulrushes. Once free from harm he withdrew his own wand from his pocket and muttered the Petrificus counter-spell. The mother mallard briefly swam around the rushes, then went back into her nest to greet her ducklings.
The resulting silence after all the quacking and cheeping was deafening. On the riverbank, Sirius and Remus laid back on the grass, exhausted and panting. Harry climbed over Sirius and poked at his chin.
"Why didn't you just use the Petrificus spell on the mother duck in the first place, Padfoot?" Remus groaned.
Sirius shaded his eyes from the afternoon sun. "I thought this would be less traumatic this way."
"For whom?"
Sirius turned his head. "Does it matter? Harry's back, yeah? Safe and sound."
"Only by the skin of our teeth--" Remus trailed off and shook his head, resigned as Sirius tickled Harry's sides. He half-heartedly punched Sirius in the arm, then looked at his watch. "We should be heading back now, it's almost tea-time."
Sirius nodded wearily. "Right, mate."
Remus Spelled the mud from his clothes as Sirius quickly Summoned their things together, and they headed back towards the Potters' flat. Harry fell asleep in the pram, and they arrived just a couple of minutes before James and Lily Apparated home.
"So how was the lad?" James asked fondly, gazing down at his sleeping son in the pram.
"Charming," Sirius said, and Remus raised an amused eyebrow. "Couldn't have been better." Sirius smiled his most innocent smile, desperately hoping that the panic didn't show. If Lily ever found out about their 'escapade'--he thought of her most likely reaction and inwardly shuddered.
"Really? There were no problems?" Lily stared at him suspiciously for a long moment before peeking in on the sleeping baby.
"Should there have been?" Sirius snapped back. Steady lad, steady now...
Lily looked skeptical. "Well-no, probably not. Not with Remus here."
Sirius glowered at her. Cheeky cow, he thought, sneaking a glance at his mate. Remus just looked on placidly.
"So then, what did you boys do?" Lily asked pleasantly.
"We went for a walk in the park," Remus said quickly. "Lovely time. Beautiful day, sunny--"
"Oh yes, Harry does love the ducks down by the river," James said in an off-hand manner. "Crawls after them any chance he gets."
Remus and Sirius exchanged glances with each other behind James' back.
"How was Harry's teething?" Lily asked, gathering the sleeping Harry in her arms.
"Well, he did chew a bit--" Sirius began. "He got Moony's thumb good before we left, and at the park he left some impressive--"
"Now I remember what I was going to tell you before we left!" Lily said, interrupting. "You can't let Harry use your wand for a chew toy. He'll Summon up some magic with it."
Remus and Sirius stared blankly at each other, numb. What did she just say?
"It's quite remarkable really, the last time he gnawed on James' wand he transformed the cat into an ottoman. Dumbledore thinks it's promising, showing signs of magic so early in life--" Lily's voice faded as she carried Harry to his bedroom.
Both men blinked in astonishment. Again.
Neither knew whether to be pleased and proud for Harry's obvious magical prowess, or aghast at just how powerful he was even now. Magic just by teething on a wand. Who knew?
"Well we'd best be off then," Sirius blurted, too quickly for comfort and hoping his cheer wasn't too forced.
"Come Padfoot, won't you at least stay for tea--?" James asked, puzzled.
"We have to go, Prongs. That's all right, really, thanks for the offer. We'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Remus added, just as hurriedly. They both headed towards the Floo, desperate to leave.
Just before Flooing home, Sirius caught Remus' eye with a silent entreaty. Remus nodded in tacit understanding. Not one word in front of James or Lily, if they knew what was best, though James might commiserate if he knew. Not one word, if Sirius ever hoped to babysit Harry again-in this lifetime anyway.
The minute they arrived at Sirius' flat, still traumatised by the events, they made another silent vow: even between themselves now--after it was finally over--they agreed it would be best never to mention the ducks ever again.
by Topaz Eyes
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, James/Lily; totally gen
Rating: PG
Disclaimers: Characters owned by J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, Warner Bros and other entities. I just borrow for my amusement.
Word Count: 4019
A/N: Reposted for the "Everything Old Is New Again" challenge. This was originally written for ignipes, based on her prompt from a drabble prompt request fest in March 2006. Beta'ed by the ever-patient jazzypom. Note that no ducks were actually harmed at any time during the writing of this story.
And the prompt: After it was over, they agreed it would be best never to mention the ducks ever again.
There were many things that Sirius Black fancied himself to be: an international man of mystery; a Wizard of great renown; and when it came to his godson Harry, the best baby-minder ever.
(The latter, of course, was only in his own mind but he could be forgiven that as he was so besotted with Harry. Most times.)
Sitting for Harry was never any great trouble for Sirius. He adored the sprog as much as he would his own son. Indeed, the trouble was often in trying to pry Harry away from him. In human form, Sirius was reluctant to relinquish his charge; in his Animagus form, he had been known to growl at anyone who came within three feet of the baby-including James and Lily at times. James often joked that they should simply freeze him in his canine form and they'd have the perfect guard dog.
Thursday dawned bright and sunny, the type of day that came round only rarely in London anymore: the air fresh and scented with new grass and early blooms; the sky nothing but springtime blue; the type of day where the ever-present spectre of Death Eaters could be pushed far to the back of one's mind. It was the perfect day to go to a park and lounge in the sunshine without needing to worry about anything.
At least the big things, anyway.
So on this brilliant spring day, when James Flooed to ask if Sirius would mind Harry for the afternoon while he and Lily went on a hastily-arranged visit to Petunia Dursley's, Sirius was only too eager to oblige. He immediately dropped the Shine-All cloth he was using to polish his already-gleaming motorbike and stepped through the Floo, pausing only to scribble a brief note for Remus and Peter to join him at the Potters' flat.
"Sirius, thank you so much, I know it's very short notice but we really do appreciate this," Lily thrust a drooling Harry into Sirius' arms before he was even able to spell the remaining ash off his shirt, and raised her wand to Summon her coat. "James and I will be back from Petunia's by tea time at the latest," she continued in a rush. "We'd take Harry of course but Petunia doesn't want Dudley to catch his cold."
"Likely story," James muttered, standing all ready to go; looking as if he'd do something, anything else, like tending the Mandrakes in the greenhouse at Hogwarts-or scrub the Quidditch locker room toilets by hand with Argus Filch--rather than accompany his wife. Lily frowned at him but otherwise ignored it as she was too busy shrugging on her coat and talking at the same time.
"Now there are clean nappies folded on the bureau, milk's in the icebox and his dummy's in his bag--"
"Lily, I have minded him before you know," Sirius protested (he was the world's best baby-minder ever, surely she knew that?), as he raised Harry above his head and jiggled him. "And we always have a grand time, don't we, mate?"
Harry gurgled and blew a spit bubble in reply.
"Padfoot, you know how Lils goes on--" James began-and was soundly nudged in the ribs by his wife, hard enough to cause him to stumble and dislodge his glasses. "Owww!"
"We'll be all right, Lily," Sirius entreated, gracing Lily with his most charming smile. The smile that had melted McGonagall's heart at Hogwarts even as she'd scolded him for countless pranks and misdeeds. The smile that stole maidens, slayed virtue, made friends and influenced people. The smile that in her normal frame of mind, Lily never trusted because she knew it meant no good. (Fortunately for Sirius she was too distracted right now.) "Really," he continued. "Moony and Wormtail will be dropping by in a bit, we'll play with Harry until he's right knackered, and he'll fall asleep in no time. No worries."
Lily looked around, flustered, not hearing him, her hair flying about like a banshee on fire. "Did I forget anything? What else is there... Oh yes, Harry's teething, he'll chew on anything he can get his hands on so have a care..."
"Got it, Lils," Sirius said, shaking his head in exasperation. Really, didn't the silly woman know how he deserved his (admittedly self-professed) title of best babysitter in the Wizarding world? (Except for that one incident when Harry had gotten trapped inside his baby bottle. But that didn't count.) "Now off you go, before you're late."
James and Lily headed to the front door of the flat, Lily still pensive. "I know I'm still forgetting something very important--" she muttered to herself, shaking her head in frustration.
"Wave bye-bye to Mum and Daddy--" Sirius cooed to Harry, then stopped in surprise. "Wait, Prongs, won't they let you use the Floo? It's safer," Sirius called out as he chucked Harry's wet chin.
James glowered. "Ugly bint of a sister won't let her fire be hooked up to the Network, even temporarily, so we have to Apparate."
Lily shot James a withering look. "They don't know about the war with Voldemort, James."
"Bloody hell they don't!"
"JAMES. I hope you're better behaved when we get there."
"On my best behavior, I solemnly swear," James replied grudgingly, and held up his hand boy scout style. They stepped into the front hallway.
"Have a good time, Prongsie," Sirius called out after him. James scowled and flipped him two fingers as they Apparated.
The flat fell silent with their departure, save for Harry's baby chortles as he pulled on the chain of the collar Sirius wore around his neck. Sirius gazed at his godson fondly. "Let's say we wait for Uncle Moony and Uncle Wormy then we'll go out for a bit ourselves, yeah?"
Just at that moment they heard a whoosh in the fireplace, and Sirius whirled round just in time to watch Remus spin into the fire. Remus stepped out, brushing the soot off his denims and patched jumper as Harry clapped delightedly.
"Well, hello young Harry," Remus said hoarsely after he spelled the remaining ash from his hair and boots. "Is Uncle Padfoot entertaining you well?"
"Bah!"
Remus nodded solemnly. "Bah. I see."
Sirius peered around him. "Wait. Wormy not with you?"
"He rang me earlier and begged off, claimed he was called into work for an extra shift."
Sirius passed Harry over to Remus. "He's always working these days," he said, a little perplexed. "Strange, that, you'd think he'd want to visit with Harry..." He then shrugged, deciding to ponder that later, and rubbed his hands together. "So, what shall we do today Moony? It's a lovely day out." He turned and looked outside the front window, only to whip around at--
"OUCH!" Remus yelped as tiny sharp teeth sank into his thumb.
"Oh right, Lils said he was teething," Sirius said off-handedly as Remus wrung his hand out. "Sorry there, old man."
Remus glared at him. "I'm sure you are. You could have warned me, you prat--!" He stuck his thumb into his mouth to stop the pain and Harry laughed.
Sirius ignored his protest. "We could take Harry to the park, yeah?"
Remus looked at Sirius skeptically. "Outside the flat? Is that wise, Padfoot? The Death Eaters--"
"Dumbledore's warded the whole neighbourhood, and the park is just blocks away," Sirius replied matter-of-factly. "We'll know straight off if there's a problem. Besides, the back yard is too shady and cramped to play in properly."
Remus snorted. "For you, you mean. I think you just want to run and laze in the sunshine."
Sirius grinned and shrugged and Summoned his black leather jacket. "It'll be fun, Moony. A great way to meet the ladies. Young attractive man with a baby and a dog is always a good magnet."
Remus shot him an askance look from narrowed eyes but said nothing.
"Really, it'll be fab. Don't be such a wet nancy. We'll have a picnic lunch and the sprog can play in the sandbox there." Sirius raised his wand; pumpkin pasties, sandwiches and utensils flew of their own accord into a wicker basket, followed by a red-and-green plaid blanket. The basket then tucked itself in neatly under Harry's pram.
The side of Remus' mouth twitched, then he shrugged too. "Right then. Shall we go and indulge your godfather's wish, Harry?"
Harry nodded and clapped with glee.
"Brilliant. That's my godson, a Potter through and through. Off we go, lads, off we go!"
*****
The park, only three blocks away from the Potters' flat, was situated on a wide and gently sloping riverbank. The shallow stream beyond meandered lazily through the valley, its small surface ripples glinting like tiny diamonds in the sun. The fine lawn of grass stopped just shy of the stream's edge, where a few stray patches of bulrushes hid the nesting areas of the resident waterfowl. A family of mallard ducks, a mother and her seven babies, paddled along the shore; a few elegant swans swam in middle of the water, cutting white swathes among the marshes.
It was indeed a fine late April day, sunny with just a few high clouds; after the past few weeks of grey and rainy weather the air felt light and brisk. The trees were in full bud, some approaching flower; Remus had to admit that it was a perfect spring day for an outing.
Sirius pushed the pram through the grass from the pavement, grinning widely and bristling with excitement. Harry sat up and looked around, pointing happily at the ducks along the riverbank and drooling. Even Remus felt himself relax. There weren't many people in the park, it being a Thursday afternoon, so they had the place almost all to themselves.
They stopped under a young willow not far from the shore, laying out the plaid blanket in the dappled shade. Sirius lifted Harry out of the pram and plopped him firmly at the edge of the blanket, while Remus set out the picnic tea. Sirius lay on the grass beside Harry, set his wand down, and started to play baby tug-of-war. Soon high-pitched baby giggles, mixed with Sirius' lower-toned chuckles, rang through the air.
It was peaceful and laid-back, as Remus and Sirius ate their sandwiches and pasties, and Harry gnawed on teething biscuits. By the end of their tea Harry was covered in drool-soaked pasty yellow mush. To Sirius' chagrin, not even his most advanced Cleaning spell seemed to remove the half-chewed biscuit from Harry's overalls.
Harry grew bored, and started to wiggle and creep away. Harry was just starting to crawl at nine months old, and soon Sirius was chasing after a surprisingly mobile tot, scooping him up before he got too far away towards the bank and setting him back on the blanket.
After one too many times, Sirius threw up his hands. "That's it, I'm tying the little beggar down," he panted. "He doesn't need a babysitter, he needs a full-time sheep dog!"
Remus, leaning against the trunk of the willow, looked up from his treatise on Horcruxes and shook his head. "You'd just be distracted by the ducks at the water's edge, Padfoot, it won't help."
"You could maybe help here yourself, Moony--"
"Well, there are Barrier spells you could use to keep Harry confined, didn't James or Lily teach you--?"
"You're the one mentioning them, so don't you know--?"
"I don't babysit enough to know how to use them, besides, aren't you supposedly the baby expert outside of Lily and Prongs?"
Remus and Sirius continued their bickering as if they had never left Hogwarts, Sirius' bark-like cadence contrasting with Remus' measured tones. Soon they became so involved that they did not notice Harry's keen interest in Sirius' wand on the blanket.
Harry reached out with one chubby hand and pulled the wand over to him. He held it in his hands and waved it merrily, bouncing on his nappied bottom. Then he gnawed at it, leaving tiny tooth impressions on the glossy handle. He babbled to the wand, entranced by the sudden orange sparks that emanated from one end.
"Wa-ba!" he replied, as if the wand were speaking to him. "Ma da wa ba!"
In the meantime, Remus' and Sirius' spat had escalated into something rather more heated.
"Look, Padfoot--"
"Are you maligning my talent at childcare, Moony?"
"Of course not, but--"
"If you're so grand a babysitter, why do they always call me then?"
"Perhaps because loyalty to James outweighs Lily's good sense--"
At this point Sirius actually lunged at him and soon they were rolling about and wrestling on the grass. As a result they became momentarily heedless of Harry who started to crawl off with the wand in one hand.
After about thirty seconds, both boys came to their senses and froze mid-scuffle when they realized Harry wasn't on the blanket where they'd thought they'd left him. "Where's Harry?" Sirius panted, leaping to his feet and frantically scanning the riverbank. "Harry? HARRY!" He turned toward Remus, his face frantic with fear.
Remus gasped for air (having had the breath knocked out of him by one well-placed elbow) and looked in the opposite direction. He heaved a sigh of relief and yanked Sirius' arm to get his attention.
"Padfoot, it's all right, he's over--" and trailed off, stunned.
Sirius whipped his head, following the direction of Remus' outstretched finger--just in time to watch baby Harry, who was sitting near the duckling nest ensconced by one of the patches of bulrushes, waving Sirius' wand and gurgling in glee.
Sirius sagged with relief, then stood agog; both men watching, numb, as Harry pointed the wand directly at himself.
"Moony, those are the wand flicks for--" Sirius began.
He never finished his sentence.
He and Remus could only stare, frozen in utter astonishment, as Harry Transfigured into a small, fluffy, mottled brown mallard duckling.
After a long confused moment at the spectacle, Remus recovered first. "Oh sweet Merlin--" he breathed, though still unable to move.
Harry-the-duckling cheeped and began to waddle cheerfully toward the riverbank.
Sirius gaped. "He Transfigured himself--" he whispered in disbelief. "He TRANSFIGURED himself--" Then he realized where Harry was heading. "He's heading toward the river!"
That unlocked both of them from their stasis, and they both lunged towards the small fledgling at the same time.
"Harry! STOP!"
But they traveled only two hurried steps before the mother mallard flew at them from her nest to fight them off with her wings and beak.
Remus and Sirius cowered under the onslaught of feathers and down, trying to shield their faces from the mother's enraged snapping of her beak, and their ears from her inhumanly loud quacking. Unable to defend themselves, not even with their wands, they soon beat a hasty retreat to a safe distance by the willow, watching helplessly as the mother mallard shepherded Harry back to her brood chirping in their nest.
Remus blinked, rubbing at the painful duck bite on his ear. "Oh brilliant, Padfoot, she's gone and adopted Harry! Now what do we do?"
"We get him back, you tosser!" Sirius retorted, voice lit with panic. "What do YOU think?"
"Sure, of course. But do YOU want to fight her again?"
"Do we have a ruddy CHOICE?"
Remus ran his hand through his sandy hair as he thought. "One of us will have to distract her," he said at last, "while the other scoops him up and Transfigures him back to normal."
Sirius nodded in agreement, then turned wide, terrified eyes on Remus as a terrifying thought struck him. "Did you notice what Harry looked like as a duckling before she took him? Can we even pick him out from the brood?"
Remus fought back his own little chortle of terror. "I-I don't remember," he admitted.
"Well, maybe we can reason this out then. How many ducklings are there?"
Remus thought a minute. "I counted seven when I first saw them along the bank. So that'd be eight now with Harry."
"Those aren't good odds," Sirius muttered, dejected. "But all we can do is try and hope we pick the right one." He began to pace as a cloud passed over the sun, momentarily casting them in shadow.
"So how are we going to go about Operation Rescue Fuzzy Duckling?" Remus demanded, scanning the riverbank. He could still hear cheeping from the bulrushes, which had to be a good sign.
Sirius sighed as the cloud drifted away, flooding the ground with sunshine again. "I'll Transform and chase her away from the nest. You wade in and pluck up Harry and hope she doesn't notice."
"You'll have to Transfigure Harry back to normal," Remus pointed out. "It was your wand that he used and the counter-spell will work only from the wand that cast the original."
"Right." Sirius inhaled a deep breath. "And hope the mum won't kill us in the process. Ready then?"
Remus nodded.
"GO!"
Sirius sprinted straight towards the nest and transformed mid-stride into the dog, barking to flush out the mother mallard. Remus ran around in a wide circle in the opposite direction, to approach the nest from behind while she was occupied and hoping to Merlin she wouldn't notice him.
As predicted, the mother mallard rose from her nest and dive-bombed towards the dog, quacking furiously. Remus ducked to scoop up Sirius' forgotten wand from the grass and pocketed it while he beelined towards the rushes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the mother mallard attack the dog, nipping at the dog's muzzle while the dog lunged back.
Falling to his knees in the muddy bank he parted the brown-tipped stalks to reveal the feather-lined nest tucked within. Eight tiny beaks squawked up at him and he hesitated, frantically trying to decide which of the wriggling little mottled-brown ducklings was Harry.
He heard a commotion and looked up, eyes wide with fear, to see a duck-shaped missile aimed straight for his face, the dog barking desperately behind her in an effort to distract her. He hurriedly turned back to the brood and finally spied a duckling that appeared to have a shock of disordered brown feathers on top of its head. He scooped up the wriggling chick, dismayed at how slippery and wriggly the bird was, and started to back away from the nest--
Only to land flat on his bum in the mud.
And get stuck in the suction of near-quicksand.
The mother mallard was only feet away now. Remus covered his head with one hand and held the duckling cupped against his chest with the other.
"Sirius!" he shouted. "Dammit, Sirius, I need you NOW!"
The mother mallard started to fly and squawk around his head, trying to dive at his arms. He tried to swat it away but to no avail.
"SIRIUS!"
"Over here, Moony!"
He glanced over to see Sirius' shoes from some distance away.
"Catch!"
Remus tossed Sirius his wand, hoping he didn't miss.
"Petrificus!"
The mother mallard froze mid-flight and hovered in the air just inches away from Remus' head for a split-second-then dropped like a lead weight into the water beside him, dousing Remus with a second shower of mud.
Sirius ran over to Remus and plucked the duckling from the crook of his arm. He set the waddling duckling down on the grass, aimed his wand--
And was immensely relieved to see Harry Transfigure back into his normal infant form, still happily burbling.
"Ba da ba da ma ba eee!"
Remus scrambled up from the mud and crawled away from the bulrushes. Once free from harm he withdrew his own wand from his pocket and muttered the Petrificus counter-spell. The mother mallard briefly swam around the rushes, then went back into her nest to greet her ducklings.
The resulting silence after all the quacking and cheeping was deafening. On the riverbank, Sirius and Remus laid back on the grass, exhausted and panting. Harry climbed over Sirius and poked at his chin.
"Why didn't you just use the Petrificus spell on the mother duck in the first place, Padfoot?" Remus groaned.
Sirius shaded his eyes from the afternoon sun. "I thought this would be less traumatic this way."
"For whom?"
Sirius turned his head. "Does it matter? Harry's back, yeah? Safe and sound."
"Only by the skin of our teeth--" Remus trailed off and shook his head, resigned as Sirius tickled Harry's sides. He half-heartedly punched Sirius in the arm, then looked at his watch. "We should be heading back now, it's almost tea-time."
Sirius nodded wearily. "Right, mate."
Remus Spelled the mud from his clothes as Sirius quickly Summoned their things together, and they headed back towards the Potters' flat. Harry fell asleep in the pram, and they arrived just a couple of minutes before James and Lily Apparated home.
"So how was the lad?" James asked fondly, gazing down at his sleeping son in the pram.
"Charming," Sirius said, and Remus raised an amused eyebrow. "Couldn't have been better." Sirius smiled his most innocent smile, desperately hoping that the panic didn't show. If Lily ever found out about their 'escapade'--he thought of her most likely reaction and inwardly shuddered.
"Really? There were no problems?" Lily stared at him suspiciously for a long moment before peeking in on the sleeping baby.
"Should there have been?" Sirius snapped back. Steady lad, steady now...
Lily looked skeptical. "Well-no, probably not. Not with Remus here."
Sirius glowered at her. Cheeky cow, he thought, sneaking a glance at his mate. Remus just looked on placidly.
"So then, what did you boys do?" Lily asked pleasantly.
"We went for a walk in the park," Remus said quickly. "Lovely time. Beautiful day, sunny--"
"Oh yes, Harry does love the ducks down by the river," James said in an off-hand manner. "Crawls after them any chance he gets."
Remus and Sirius exchanged glances with each other behind James' back.
"How was Harry's teething?" Lily asked, gathering the sleeping Harry in her arms.
"Well, he did chew a bit--" Sirius began. "He got Moony's thumb good before we left, and at the park he left some impressive--"
"Now I remember what I was going to tell you before we left!" Lily said, interrupting. "You can't let Harry use your wand for a chew toy. He'll Summon up some magic with it."
Remus and Sirius stared blankly at each other, numb. What did she just say?
"It's quite remarkable really, the last time he gnawed on James' wand he transformed the cat into an ottoman. Dumbledore thinks it's promising, showing signs of magic so early in life--" Lily's voice faded as she carried Harry to his bedroom.
Both men blinked in astonishment. Again.
Neither knew whether to be pleased and proud for Harry's obvious magical prowess, or aghast at just how powerful he was even now. Magic just by teething on a wand. Who knew?
"Well we'd best be off then," Sirius blurted, too quickly for comfort and hoping his cheer wasn't too forced.
"Come Padfoot, won't you at least stay for tea--?" James asked, puzzled.
"We have to go, Prongs. That's all right, really, thanks for the offer. We'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Remus added, just as hurriedly. They both headed towards the Floo, desperate to leave.
Just before Flooing home, Sirius caught Remus' eye with a silent entreaty. Remus nodded in tacit understanding. Not one word in front of James or Lily, if they knew what was best, though James might commiserate if he knew. Not one word, if Sirius ever hoped to babysit Harry again-in this lifetime anyway.
The minute they arrived at Sirius' flat, still traumatised by the events, they made another silent vow: even between themselves now--after it was finally over--they agreed it would be best never to mention the ducks ever again.