Fic: The Incredible and Angsty Journey of Rose Weasley, Girl Slasher! (Rose), PG-13
Recipient: xmusicnotesx
Title: The Incredible and Angsty Journey of Rose Weasley, Girl Slasher!
Pairing(s): Many and none!
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Sheer, unadulterated CRACK! Not to be taken seriously! Also, all digs at slashers, femmeslashers, mpreg fans, incest fans, angst fans, fans of the improbably named Lubricus spell, and fans in general are done with love. LOVE, I tell you! (Well ... maybe not so much love for the mpreg people. But come on, that's WEIRD!)
Summary: One day, Rose Weasley discovered the internet. All the world trembled in fear.
Word Count: 4,031
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. Twilight is the property of Stephanie Meyer and the forces of darkness. The author of this fic does not endorse or condone the reading of Twilight, as it is brain-melting crap. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author’s Notes: This was more fun to write than all my other stories combined! Thanks xmusicnotesx for the opportunity to do it! You had a lot of stuff you wanted to see, but I worked in as much of them as I could. And lots of thanks to my beta, K!
"I don't get it, Rose. What's the big deal? It's a grey box with wires coming out of it."
"I know. But Mum says I need to learn how to use it. She says all the Muggle kids use them for research and it'll help me with my homework and stuff."
Dominique rolled her eyes. "She's obsessed with your homework, I swear." She looked at the screen built into the box. "What's a Google?"
Rose smirked. "Stupid name, isn't it? I'm supposed to tell it what I'm studying and then it suggests essays and articles I can read for more information."
Despite herself, Dominique was curious. "So let's try it! What are you studying now?"
Rose pulled out her super-deluxe homework planner, a Christmas gift from her mother. "Well, I have to write a paper for History of Magic. I was going to write it about uncle Harry, but I don't think the interweb would know anything about him. It's mostly put together by Muggles." She shrugged. "Still, it's worth a try, I suppose."
She carefully typed "Harry Potter", impressed despite herself with the way the letters just appeared on the screen. Grandpa Weasley was right; for people without magic, Muggles could be awfully clever. "Okay, now I just press the 'enter' button ... WHOA!"
***
six months later...
"Rose, your grades are a disgrace! What happened to you? I got you that computer, and everything!" Hermione Weasley was shocked by the piece of parchment the owl had just delivered to her.
Her daughter clearly wasn't paying attention. "When will uncle Harry get here?"
"In about an hour. But if you want to play with Al, you're going to need to give me some sort of explanation for --"
"He's not bringing her, is he?"
"Who?" Hermione was having a seriously difficult time following Rose's thought patterns.
Rose's eyes narrowed. "Ginny" she snarled.
"Well ... no." Hermione was confused by the venom in her daughter's voice; Rose had always got along quite well with her aunt. "She's going shopping today."
Rose grinned knowingly. "I bet she isn't. It's just an excuse; she's cheating on him."
"Rose!" Hermione was shocked. "How can you say that!"
"Well, it's not like he was ever that into her. He only married her because of, you know, social pressures and the need to create a perfect family to make up for his traumatic childhood and all that. The sex has never been satisfying for him." She spoke with absolute authority. "How could it be? He's a bottom."
***
"Honestly Harry, I don't know what's got into her! I'm starting to think getting her that computer was a mistake! She spends all day and all night in front of it, but her grades don't get any better. And she's got such strange ideas."
Harry helped himself to another scone. "Like what?"
Hermione flushed. "I'd rather not say."
Across the table, Draco Malfoy, who had dropped in unexpectedly, poured himself a cup of tea. "It's not just Rosie, Hermione. I don't understand kids today at all. I got Scorpius this fantastic new Firebolt for his birthday, and all he wants to do is hover in the air with it and sing some song about defying gravity. No interest in Quidditch at all anymore. At least he's a bit of a Lothario, though. He's always surrounded by girls. Although he does like to call them his 'hags', for some reason." He looked up. "Ah, there's the lady in question! All right, Rose?"
Rose approached the table with her jaw set. "Mum", she whispered fiercely, "trade seats with uncle Draco!"
"Why?" Hermione was perplexed.
Rose looked at her mother like she was an idiot. "He and uncle Harry are going to want to sit together! This house should be a safe place for them, where they can just be together and be themselves! They shouldn't have to be separated by this cold, unforgiving table just to make society comfortable!"
"Um ... Rosie?" Draco spoke soothingly. "I'm fine right here."
Rose stared at him. "Wow", she breathed. "I never noticed before, but they're right!"
"Who's right, princess?"
"The girls on the Drarry boards." Rose moved closer to her defacto uncle. "Your hair -- it's all shiny, and fluffy, and sparkling." She turned to Harry. "How does it look when there's moonlight falling on it? Do you just love to run your fingers through it, while he's moving lovingly insi--?"
"That's it!" Hermione was on her feet in a flash. "Go to your room!"
***
"So, you're grounded, huh?"
"Yeah." Rose pouted. "It's not fair. My mother's a total homophobe. Of course, most women in the Potterverse are homophobes. They just can't understand the deep, unsurpassable beauty of gay love."
"Potterverse?" Dominque looked wary. "Is this one of those interweb things?"
"It's internet, Dom, and... never mind." Rose knew her cousin would never understand. "Did you get it?"
"Sure." Dominique pulled James' invisibility cloak out from under her robes. "Here you go."
Rose reached for it eagerly. "How did you get it off him. Did you have to blackmail him about the drugs?"
"No, I gave him a sickle." Dominque's eyes were wide. "James does drugs?"
"We think so." Rose nodded wisely. "He has to, because of all his angst."
"He has ... angst?"
"You know! Of course he does! He feels he'll never live up to his famous father's example, plus he's got to repress his homosexuality because he thinks the Wizarding world would never accept the son of such a great hero being gay. If only he knew, huh?" She grinned wickedly but then grew serious. "But he doesn't know, since Harry's got so good at sneaking around over the years. So he does drugs to deal with it all."
"Um ... okay." James was one of the most well-adjusted people they knew, but Dominque had learned months ago that it was best just to change the subject when Rose started talking like this. "So you've got the cloak. But you should probably still wait until your parents are in bed before you go anywhere."
"Probably a good idea." Hermione and Ron Weasley had got pretty good at knowing when their children were up to something and Rose didn't want to tempt fate. Her mission was too important. "So, we've got a few hours. Want to make out?"
"What?" Dominique jumped out of her chair. "Rose, we're related!"
"Cousincest is a grey area." Rose smiled reassuringly.
"Wow ... so ... you're gay?" Dominque was stunned.
"No, not really. But I'm thinking of getting into femmeslash, and a lot of the girls who write it are bisexual. I mean, most of them have never actually been with a girl, or asked one for a date, or properly fancied one or anything. But they identify as bisexual and that's pretty much the same thing. I wouldn't want it to look like I have no idea what I'm writing about. Besides, people have pretty much decided you're the next-gen lesbian, so I figured you'd be into it."
"I'm the what? What's a femslush?" She held up her hands defensively. "On second thought, never mind. I don't want to know."
"So..." Rose stretched out on the bed and extended her hand. "You want to try it?"
"I really, really, really don't."
"Hmmph. Potterverse homophobe."
***
Narcissa Malfoy had been surprised to find Rose knocking on her door at nearly midnight, but she knew her grandson and the Weasley girl had got close over the last few months so she let her come in. It was a decision she was sorely regretting now.
"So, you need to accept your son's homosexuality. He's still in the closet, after all these years, just to appease you and your homophobic ideals. It's tearing him apart inside." Rose's voice broke with emotion. "Please, Mrs. Malfoy... let him be happy. Let him be the man he needs to be."
Narcissa rubbed her forehead and wondered silently if all the rumours about Weasley inbreeding were true. "I'm sorry, my dear. I really don't understand what you're talking about."
"You're just being willfully blind!" Rose swelled with righteous anger. "You can't accept the truth, and uncle Draco doesn't want to upset you. That's why Harry had to sneak away to give birth to Scorpius, and they had to alter Astoria's--"
"Asteria's."
"Whatever! They had to alter Mrs. Malfoy's memories so she believed she'd given birth to him. Won't you let them all stop living a lie?"
"You think ... Harry Potter ... is Scorpius' mother ...?"
"Listen." Rose leaned forward, her eyes glittering with intensity. "My own Grandma Weasley couldn't deal with the fact that my uncle George and uncle Fred were lovers. I talked to her about it last week, and she still won't accept it." Rose teared up as she remembered Grandma Weasley, mouth agog, sputtering stunned denials. "Now Fred is dead, and she'll never have the chance to cherish and love him as he really was. Your son is still alive; you don't want to miss this opportunity!"
"Your uncles were... Oh, for the love of all that's pure and sacred." Narcissa groaned. "Listen to me, young lady, because I'm only going to say this once. I love my son very much. A long time ago, I risked my life to save his, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. If my son were gay, I would accept that and I'd love him just as much. But right now, he's lying in bed next to his beloved wife of many years. He's happy with her. So I'm afraid you're incorrect."
"Oh." Rose looked deflated. "I guess I made a mistake."
"It seems that you did."
"It's the wife who's the problem!" Rose's face brightened. "That's totally believable! After all, auntie Ginny oppresses uncle Harry; so that makes sense. I mean, sure, the plot was more interesting when it was you; there was more variety; it showed different kinds of repressive family ties and all that. Still, you can't have everything." Rose put her hand supportively on Narcissa's knee. "So ... do you want to talk to her or should I?"
***
'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' was playing at top volume as Rose sank to the floor of Scorpius' bedroom. She was utterly depressed.
"Never mind, Rosie. At least you tried." Scorpius gave her a reassuring hug.
"It's just so frustrating." Rose sagged with defeat. "All this homophobia."
"I know, I know." Scorpius agreed. "Hey, would it make you feel better to work on me for a bit?"
Rose cheered up immediately. "Absolutely! So, have you been listening to the show tunes?"
"Every day", Scorpius affirmed. "I'm actually getting a bit sick of them, to be honest."
"But are they working?"
"I'm not sure."
"Oh well. Keep trying."
"I will" the boy promised. "But Rosie?"
"Yes?"
"I've been reading all those printouts you gave me, so I'll be ready for my big, angsty coming-out scene. And they all say that people are born gay, you know? That it's not a choice. So since I've never been attracted to a guy and I really like thinking about boobies and stuff, maybe this won't work."
Rose sighed. "Scorpius, we've been over this a million times. You are gay; you were born that way. It's just the homophobic Wizarding world and your own subconscious desires to please your pureblood family are forcing you to repress it.
"Oh, right." Scorpius nodded in comprehension. "I forgot."
Rose continued. "But don't worry! I'm here to help you! I'm your super-supportive, platonic female best friend who's totally awesome and accepting. And I'll find a way to get you through this."
Scorpius gave her a bit of a squeeze and tried really hard not to want to look down her top. "Thanks, Rosie. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"It's my pleasure!" Rose just loved being Scorpius' hag. "Now, look at this." She pulled a snapshot out of the pocket of her robe. "This is my cousin, Al. You love him. You LOVE him..."
***
The extended Weasley and Potter families had gathered in the lavishly decorated Burrow garden to celebrate Harry's birthday, and Rose was allowed out of her room to attend on the provision that she not say one word about Harry, Draco and the love that dared not speak its name. She had almost refused to attend on principle, but after a long night on AIM she and some of her friends had worked out an admirable solution.
So she didn't confront her aunt Ginny, even when she caught her chatting with Dean Thomas in the kitchen. Even though it took all her self-control, she merely narrowed her eyes and stomped away. Really though! Wasn't it enough for Ginny to stand in the way of Harry and Draco's relationship? Now she had to interfere with Dean and Seamus too?
But it was worth keeping quiet to get to see the joy on uncle Harry's face when he unwrapped his gift from uncle Draco. Rose could practically see the warm glow spreading through his whole body as he opened the envelope and found those season passes to the Harpies. No doubt they brought back beautiful memories of pledging their eternal love, and then their virginities, to each other on the abandoned Quidditch pitch on some sweet, warm Hogwarts night. Such a thoughtful, romantic gift! When Harry clapped Draco on the shoulder with gratitude, Rose sighed with pleasure and only a sharp glance from her mother kept her from bursting into applause.
And there was still her present to unwrap. Rose practically bounced in her seat as her uncle untied the ribbon and tore off the rainbow-printed wrapping paper. This was genius! Her uncles would know, beyond any doubt, that she loved them and supported them. And maybe this would give them the courage to be honest! The whole Wizarding world would have to confront its own prejudices, which would usher in a new era of tolerance and acceptance. And she would be the hero responsible for starting it all!
"Wow. Thanks, Rosie." Harry held up the package of Astroglide with a confused look on his face. "Um ... what is it?"
He didn't know? "Oh!" Rose exclaimed, comprehension dawning. "Do you guys use Lubricus?"
***
Since this time she was absolutely, infinitely, indisputably grounded-for-life, Rose wasn't even allowed to have visitors. Her mother had even threatened to take away her computer, but since Rose was making up a bunch of classes via correspondence and needed to do research, that wasn't really an option. Nonetheless, she was bored out of her mind.
Fortunately, tonight promised to be a welcome diversion.
Rose scooped the ancient Crookshanks onto her lap as she carried on with her latest project. Spread out on her desk were dozens of tiny heads, all snipped from various photographs of Sirius Black, and the picture album from the Lupin-Tonks wedding. Meticulously, she pasted another little Sirius over the face of the bride.
"It's what they would have wanted", she insisted, utterly unfazed by the two fingers the photo of Tonks lifted in response.
The pop of air that heralded Apparition broke the silence in the room. Rose leapt to her feet, knocking the indignant cat to the floor and scattering Siriuses everywhere. "Well? What did you see?"
Her guest scowled. "Kreacher does not like this assignment; no he does not. Kreacher finds this invasive and pervy and a total invasion of Master's privacy."
"Yes, you've made that perfectly clear." Rose had begged, pleaded and cajoled with Kreacher to get him to spy on uncle Harry and uncle Draco's snooker night, all to no avail. He'd finally caved when she'd threatened to tell Harry that Kreacher had been having wild house-elf orgies over at Grimmauld Place.
The fact that he actually hadn't been didn't matter. After all, Rose had Photoshop.
The house-elf was still muttering to himself. "Kreacher thinks young Mistress is a creepy little voyeur. She should have her mind washed out with soap; yes, she should..."
"You've made your point!" Rose snapped. "Just tell me what you saw!"
Kreacher grimaced, but as Rose gestured towards her computer, he began to talk.
"Master Harry and Former Master Draco played snooker for two and a half hours. Master Harry won the majority of the frames. The final score was --"
"I don't need to know that! Tell me what they did afterwards!"
"Very well." Kreacher continued with his story. "After they concluded their match, Master Harry offered Former Master Draco a butterbeer. Former Master Draco declined, as he is on Atkins and is counting his carbohydrates."
"He wants to stay slim for Harry!" Rose sighed at the romance of it all.
Kreacher rolled his enormous eyes. "Instead, the two of them drank gin and tonics. They discussed their families and their work."
"How did they sit?" Rose interrupted him.
"Sit, young Mistress?"
"Yes, how did they sit? You know -- were they close to each other?"
"Yes, Kreacher supposes they were. They sat on the sofa."
"Side by side?" Rose was trembling with excitement.
"Kreacher believes so, yes. Kreacher really didn't pay that much attention to the sitting."
"It's so beautiful! A stolen moment!" Rose needed to know more. "When did they start to kiss?"
"They did not kiss, young Mistress."
"They didn't kiss?" That didn't make sense. Unless they didn't kiss during sex. But why not? Of course! Maybe they liked to role-play a bit, pretending that Draco was an evil death eater who'd captured Harry and was taking him against his will. It was a little kinky, Rose supposed, but after so many years they must need to do something to keep it all fresh. And afterwards, there would be cuddles and reassurances and ... mmmm! "Okay then, tell me about the sex."
"The sex, young Mistress?"
"Yes, and don't be prudish. I'm a big girl; I can handle the truth." Rose reached for a quill and parchment; she wanted to record all the details. She would post them to her livejournal once Kreacher left.
"There was no sex, young Mistress."
"No sex?" Rose dropped her quill in dismay. How was that possible?
"No, young Mistress." The house-elf sneered, and Rose could tell he was taking joy in letting her down like this. "There was no sex. Master Harry and Former Master Draco finished their drinks. They played a game of darts, which Former Master Draco won, and then they bid each other good night. Former Master Draco took the floo home. After that, Kreacher returned to pervy young Mistress to deliver this report. That is all."
Rose drooped with defeat. "Well then. There's only one explanation for this, isn't there, Kreacher?"
"And what's that, young Mistress."
"They knew you were there the whole time! You must be the worst spy in the world! You ruined their romantic evening! Now get out of here, before I give you clothes!"
***
The knock on the door was welcome, as Rose had now been grounded for over a week. "Come in!" She called.
A tall, sandy-haired man entered the room. Rose screwed up her face in confusion. "Who are you?"
The man chuckled nervously. "Rose, it's me. Teddy. You know me."
"Oh!" Rose smiled in welcome. "I didn't recognize you because of your morphing."
"Rose, you know I don't change my appearance at home." Teddy spoke gently. "It confuses people too much. I only do it for work, remember? This is what I usually look like."
Rose rolled her eyes; Teddy's refusal to use his metamorph powers at home was so boring! "You look different. I think you're starting to morph without meaning to. It's probably a unconscious way of dealing with all your angst."
"My angst?" Teddy's forehead wrinkled in bewilderment.
"You know. Because your parents died when you were just a baby and you never got to know them. And also, because they never really loved each other, since your father never got over Sirius Black. So you have to live with knowing that your whole existance is based on a lie." She shook her head. "I feel really bad for you, Teddy. That can't be easy."
"Right. Thanks." Teddy looked nonplussed. "Anyway, Rose, I really wanted to talk to you about this whole thing with Harry and Draco."
"Oh Teddy! Not you too!" All week long, homophobes had been trying to tell Rose that her uncles did not have, nor had they ever had, a romantic relationship. It was really sad; all these people being too prejudiced to deal with reality.
"No, Rose. Here's the thing." Teddy leaned forward intently. "You're right."
Rose almost fell to the ground with shock and glee. "I am? I mean, of course I am! I knew that! But how do you know?"
"I caught them together, years ago." Teddy kept his voice low. "I promised them I would never tell, but you managed to figure it out on your own, so I think it's okay if we talk about it."
"Of course it's okay! It's wonderful!" Rose moved towards her computer. "Teddy, you have to go online right away. You have to tell everyone what you saw!"
"Rose, I can't!" Teddy spoke urgently. "There's a curse!"
"A curse?"
"That's right." He nodded sagely. "Lucius Malfoy cursed them just before he died, since he was so homophobic and everything. If more than three people ever find out about their relationship, if people really know about it for sure, they will both suddenly become heterosexual. Forever. There's nothing anyone can do; there's no way to lift it."
Tears welled up in Rose's eyes. "Merlin, that's so tragic. What a horrible man he must have been, to do that to his own son!"
"He truly was."
"So Lucius knew, and you, and now there's me." Rose gasped. "That's three! No one else can ever find out the truth!"
"That's why you have to stop, Rose. I know you want to help them, but this can't go on. For the sake of their beautiful love, please, don't talk about it anymore."
"I swear." Rose placed her hand over her heart. "I really do. Please tell them they can count on me, Teddy. I won't tell a soul."
"That's a good girl." Teddy reached over and gave her a hug. "And now I have a little present for you."
"For me?"
"That's right. I know how hard it can be to have a secret you can't tell. If you keep thinking about it, it'll drive you crazy. So I brought you something to distract you." Teddy dug around in his robes and pulled out a paperback novel. "Here, take a look."
Rose looked at the black book jacket skeptically. The cover image was just a pair of hands cupping an apple; it didn't look overly exciting. "Twilight?"
"That's right!" Teddy enthused. "I think you'll adore it. There's forbidden love, and vampires, and they sparkle."
"Sparkle?" That did sound good. "I guess I could give it a try."
"Enjoy!" Teddy headed for the door, but Rose was already too engrossed in her new passion to even say goodbye.
***
"Did it work?" Lorcan Scamander asked, as Teddy made his way down the stairs.
"I think so. She seemed to buy it."
"Good." Lorcan smiled. "The poor kid. She's just desperate for a bit of romance in her life, isn't she?"
"I know." Teddy replied. "It's funny though, isn't it?"
"Funny?"
"All her fantasizing about lonely war orphans having secret gay relationships with gorgeous, dashing blond men..." Teddy trailed off.
"And she never once thought of us!" Lorcan finished his lover's sentence before pulling Teddy into a passionate kiss.
And then they had the very best buttsecks ever with lots and lots of orgasms and it didn't hurt at all becuz they were in luv and then they had a beautiful gay wedding and adopted twenty cute orphans and lived happily ever after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***
Posted at 11:52 by jaspers_rose on twilightslash4eva
OMG u guyz!
emmett and jasper both SO want edward!
i hate bella (that stupid beeyotch -- pardon my french ;)) for keeping the OT3 apart!
she should go have sex with a werewolf and get rabies and be disfigured and die or something!
edmettsper shipper 4 life!!!! friend me if u agree!!!!
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Title: The Incredible and Angsty Journey of Rose Weasley, Girl Slasher!
Pairing(s): Many and none!
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Sheer, unadulterated CRACK! Not to be taken seriously! Also, all digs at slashers, femmeslashers, mpreg fans, incest fans, angst fans, fans of the improbably named Lubricus spell, and fans in general are done with love. LOVE, I tell you! (Well ... maybe not so much love for the mpreg people. But come on, that's WEIRD!)
Summary: One day, Rose Weasley discovered the internet. All the world trembled in fear.
Word Count: 4,031
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. Twilight is the property of Stephanie Meyer and the forces of darkness. The author of this fic does not endorse or condone the reading of Twilight, as it is brain-melting crap. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author’s Notes: This was more fun to write than all my other stories combined! Thanks xmusicnotesx for the opportunity to do it! You had a lot of stuff you wanted to see, but I worked in as much of them as I could. And lots of thanks to my beta, K!
"I don't get it, Rose. What's the big deal? It's a grey box with wires coming out of it."
"I know. But Mum says I need to learn how to use it. She says all the Muggle kids use them for research and it'll help me with my homework and stuff."
Dominique rolled her eyes. "She's obsessed with your homework, I swear." She looked at the screen built into the box. "What's a Google?"
Rose smirked. "Stupid name, isn't it? I'm supposed to tell it what I'm studying and then it suggests essays and articles I can read for more information."
Despite herself, Dominique was curious. "So let's try it! What are you studying now?"
Rose pulled out her super-deluxe homework planner, a Christmas gift from her mother. "Well, I have to write a paper for History of Magic. I was going to write it about uncle Harry, but I don't think the interweb would know anything about him. It's mostly put together by Muggles." She shrugged. "Still, it's worth a try, I suppose."
She carefully typed "Harry Potter", impressed despite herself with the way the letters just appeared on the screen. Grandpa Weasley was right; for people without magic, Muggles could be awfully clever. "Okay, now I just press the 'enter' button ... WHOA!"
***
six months later...
"Rose, your grades are a disgrace! What happened to you? I got you that computer, and everything!" Hermione Weasley was shocked by the piece of parchment the owl had just delivered to her.
Her daughter clearly wasn't paying attention. "When will uncle Harry get here?"
"In about an hour. But if you want to play with Al, you're going to need to give me some sort of explanation for --"
"He's not bringing her, is he?"
"Who?" Hermione was having a seriously difficult time following Rose's thought patterns.
Rose's eyes narrowed. "Ginny" she snarled.
"Well ... no." Hermione was confused by the venom in her daughter's voice; Rose had always got along quite well with her aunt. "She's going shopping today."
Rose grinned knowingly. "I bet she isn't. It's just an excuse; she's cheating on him."
"Rose!" Hermione was shocked. "How can you say that!"
"Well, it's not like he was ever that into her. He only married her because of, you know, social pressures and the need to create a perfect family to make up for his traumatic childhood and all that. The sex has never been satisfying for him." She spoke with absolute authority. "How could it be? He's a bottom."
***
"Honestly Harry, I don't know what's got into her! I'm starting to think getting her that computer was a mistake! She spends all day and all night in front of it, but her grades don't get any better. And she's got such strange ideas."
Harry helped himself to another scone. "Like what?"
Hermione flushed. "I'd rather not say."
Across the table, Draco Malfoy, who had dropped in unexpectedly, poured himself a cup of tea. "It's not just Rosie, Hermione. I don't understand kids today at all. I got Scorpius this fantastic new Firebolt for his birthday, and all he wants to do is hover in the air with it and sing some song about defying gravity. No interest in Quidditch at all anymore. At least he's a bit of a Lothario, though. He's always surrounded by girls. Although he does like to call them his 'hags', for some reason." He looked up. "Ah, there's the lady in question! All right, Rose?"
Rose approached the table with her jaw set. "Mum", she whispered fiercely, "trade seats with uncle Draco!"
"Why?" Hermione was perplexed.
Rose looked at her mother like she was an idiot. "He and uncle Harry are going to want to sit together! This house should be a safe place for them, where they can just be together and be themselves! They shouldn't have to be separated by this cold, unforgiving table just to make society comfortable!"
"Um ... Rosie?" Draco spoke soothingly. "I'm fine right here."
Rose stared at him. "Wow", she breathed. "I never noticed before, but they're right!"
"Who's right, princess?"
"The girls on the Drarry boards." Rose moved closer to her defacto uncle. "Your hair -- it's all shiny, and fluffy, and sparkling." She turned to Harry. "How does it look when there's moonlight falling on it? Do you just love to run your fingers through it, while he's moving lovingly insi--?"
"That's it!" Hermione was on her feet in a flash. "Go to your room!"
***
"So, you're grounded, huh?"
"Yeah." Rose pouted. "It's not fair. My mother's a total homophobe. Of course, most women in the Potterverse are homophobes. They just can't understand the deep, unsurpassable beauty of gay love."
"Potterverse?" Dominque looked wary. "Is this one of those interweb things?"
"It's internet, Dom, and... never mind." Rose knew her cousin would never understand. "Did you get it?"
"Sure." Dominique pulled James' invisibility cloak out from under her robes. "Here you go."
Rose reached for it eagerly. "How did you get it off him. Did you have to blackmail him about the drugs?"
"No, I gave him a sickle." Dominque's eyes were wide. "James does drugs?"
"We think so." Rose nodded wisely. "He has to, because of all his angst."
"He has ... angst?"
"You know! Of course he does! He feels he'll never live up to his famous father's example, plus he's got to repress his homosexuality because he thinks the Wizarding world would never accept the son of such a great hero being gay. If only he knew, huh?" She grinned wickedly but then grew serious. "But he doesn't know, since Harry's got so good at sneaking around over the years. So he does drugs to deal with it all."
"Um ... okay." James was one of the most well-adjusted people they knew, but Dominque had learned months ago that it was best just to change the subject when Rose started talking like this. "So you've got the cloak. But you should probably still wait until your parents are in bed before you go anywhere."
"Probably a good idea." Hermione and Ron Weasley had got pretty good at knowing when their children were up to something and Rose didn't want to tempt fate. Her mission was too important. "So, we've got a few hours. Want to make out?"
"What?" Dominique jumped out of her chair. "Rose, we're related!"
"Cousincest is a grey area." Rose smiled reassuringly.
"Wow ... so ... you're gay?" Dominque was stunned.
"No, not really. But I'm thinking of getting into femmeslash, and a lot of the girls who write it are bisexual. I mean, most of them have never actually been with a girl, or asked one for a date, or properly fancied one or anything. But they identify as bisexual and that's pretty much the same thing. I wouldn't want it to look like I have no idea what I'm writing about. Besides, people have pretty much decided you're the next-gen lesbian, so I figured you'd be into it."
"I'm the what? What's a femslush?" She held up her hands defensively. "On second thought, never mind. I don't want to know."
"So..." Rose stretched out on the bed and extended her hand. "You want to try it?"
"I really, really, really don't."
"Hmmph. Potterverse homophobe."
***
Narcissa Malfoy had been surprised to find Rose knocking on her door at nearly midnight, but she knew her grandson and the Weasley girl had got close over the last few months so she let her come in. It was a decision she was sorely regretting now.
"So, you need to accept your son's homosexuality. He's still in the closet, after all these years, just to appease you and your homophobic ideals. It's tearing him apart inside." Rose's voice broke with emotion. "Please, Mrs. Malfoy... let him be happy. Let him be the man he needs to be."
Narcissa rubbed her forehead and wondered silently if all the rumours about Weasley inbreeding were true. "I'm sorry, my dear. I really don't understand what you're talking about."
"You're just being willfully blind!" Rose swelled with righteous anger. "You can't accept the truth, and uncle Draco doesn't want to upset you. That's why Harry had to sneak away to give birth to Scorpius, and they had to alter Astoria's--"
"Asteria's."
"Whatever! They had to alter Mrs. Malfoy's memories so she believed she'd given birth to him. Won't you let them all stop living a lie?"
"You think ... Harry Potter ... is Scorpius' mother ...?"
"Listen." Rose leaned forward, her eyes glittering with intensity. "My own Grandma Weasley couldn't deal with the fact that my uncle George and uncle Fred were lovers. I talked to her about it last week, and she still won't accept it." Rose teared up as she remembered Grandma Weasley, mouth agog, sputtering stunned denials. "Now Fred is dead, and she'll never have the chance to cherish and love him as he really was. Your son is still alive; you don't want to miss this opportunity!"
"Your uncles were... Oh, for the love of all that's pure and sacred." Narcissa groaned. "Listen to me, young lady, because I'm only going to say this once. I love my son very much. A long time ago, I risked my life to save his, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. If my son were gay, I would accept that and I'd love him just as much. But right now, he's lying in bed next to his beloved wife of many years. He's happy with her. So I'm afraid you're incorrect."
"Oh." Rose looked deflated. "I guess I made a mistake."
"It seems that you did."
"It's the wife who's the problem!" Rose's face brightened. "That's totally believable! After all, auntie Ginny oppresses uncle Harry; so that makes sense. I mean, sure, the plot was more interesting when it was you; there was more variety; it showed different kinds of repressive family ties and all that. Still, you can't have everything." Rose put her hand supportively on Narcissa's knee. "So ... do you want to talk to her or should I?"
***
'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' was playing at top volume as Rose sank to the floor of Scorpius' bedroom. She was utterly depressed.
"Never mind, Rosie. At least you tried." Scorpius gave her a reassuring hug.
"It's just so frustrating." Rose sagged with defeat. "All this homophobia."
"I know, I know." Scorpius agreed. "Hey, would it make you feel better to work on me for a bit?"
Rose cheered up immediately. "Absolutely! So, have you been listening to the show tunes?"
"Every day", Scorpius affirmed. "I'm actually getting a bit sick of them, to be honest."
"But are they working?"
"I'm not sure."
"Oh well. Keep trying."
"I will" the boy promised. "But Rosie?"
"Yes?"
"I've been reading all those printouts you gave me, so I'll be ready for my big, angsty coming-out scene. And they all say that people are born gay, you know? That it's not a choice. So since I've never been attracted to a guy and I really like thinking about boobies and stuff, maybe this won't work."
Rose sighed. "Scorpius, we've been over this a million times. You are gay; you were born that way. It's just the homophobic Wizarding world and your own subconscious desires to please your pureblood family are forcing you to repress it.
"Oh, right." Scorpius nodded in comprehension. "I forgot."
Rose continued. "But don't worry! I'm here to help you! I'm your super-supportive, platonic female best friend who's totally awesome and accepting. And I'll find a way to get you through this."
Scorpius gave her a bit of a squeeze and tried really hard not to want to look down her top. "Thanks, Rosie. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"It's my pleasure!" Rose just loved being Scorpius' hag. "Now, look at this." She pulled a snapshot out of the pocket of her robe. "This is my cousin, Al. You love him. You LOVE him..."
***
The extended Weasley and Potter families had gathered in the lavishly decorated Burrow garden to celebrate Harry's birthday, and Rose was allowed out of her room to attend on the provision that she not say one word about Harry, Draco and the love that dared not speak its name. She had almost refused to attend on principle, but after a long night on AIM she and some of her friends had worked out an admirable solution.
So she didn't confront her aunt Ginny, even when she caught her chatting with Dean Thomas in the kitchen. Even though it took all her self-control, she merely narrowed her eyes and stomped away. Really though! Wasn't it enough for Ginny to stand in the way of Harry and Draco's relationship? Now she had to interfere with Dean and Seamus too?
But it was worth keeping quiet to get to see the joy on uncle Harry's face when he unwrapped his gift from uncle Draco. Rose could practically see the warm glow spreading through his whole body as he opened the envelope and found those season passes to the Harpies. No doubt they brought back beautiful memories of pledging their eternal love, and then their virginities, to each other on the abandoned Quidditch pitch on some sweet, warm Hogwarts night. Such a thoughtful, romantic gift! When Harry clapped Draco on the shoulder with gratitude, Rose sighed with pleasure and only a sharp glance from her mother kept her from bursting into applause.
And there was still her present to unwrap. Rose practically bounced in her seat as her uncle untied the ribbon and tore off the rainbow-printed wrapping paper. This was genius! Her uncles would know, beyond any doubt, that she loved them and supported them. And maybe this would give them the courage to be honest! The whole Wizarding world would have to confront its own prejudices, which would usher in a new era of tolerance and acceptance. And she would be the hero responsible for starting it all!
"Wow. Thanks, Rosie." Harry held up the package of Astroglide with a confused look on his face. "Um ... what is it?"
He didn't know? "Oh!" Rose exclaimed, comprehension dawning. "Do you guys use Lubricus?"
***
Since this time she was absolutely, infinitely, indisputably grounded-for-life, Rose wasn't even allowed to have visitors. Her mother had even threatened to take away her computer, but since Rose was making up a bunch of classes via correspondence and needed to do research, that wasn't really an option. Nonetheless, she was bored out of her mind.
Fortunately, tonight promised to be a welcome diversion.
Rose scooped the ancient Crookshanks onto her lap as she carried on with her latest project. Spread out on her desk were dozens of tiny heads, all snipped from various photographs of Sirius Black, and the picture album from the Lupin-Tonks wedding. Meticulously, she pasted another little Sirius over the face of the bride.
"It's what they would have wanted", she insisted, utterly unfazed by the two fingers the photo of Tonks lifted in response.
The pop of air that heralded Apparition broke the silence in the room. Rose leapt to her feet, knocking the indignant cat to the floor and scattering Siriuses everywhere. "Well? What did you see?"
Her guest scowled. "Kreacher does not like this assignment; no he does not. Kreacher finds this invasive and pervy and a total invasion of Master's privacy."
"Yes, you've made that perfectly clear." Rose had begged, pleaded and cajoled with Kreacher to get him to spy on uncle Harry and uncle Draco's snooker night, all to no avail. He'd finally caved when she'd threatened to tell Harry that Kreacher had been having wild house-elf orgies over at Grimmauld Place.
The fact that he actually hadn't been didn't matter. After all, Rose had Photoshop.
The house-elf was still muttering to himself. "Kreacher thinks young Mistress is a creepy little voyeur. She should have her mind washed out with soap; yes, she should..."
"You've made your point!" Rose snapped. "Just tell me what you saw!"
Kreacher grimaced, but as Rose gestured towards her computer, he began to talk.
"Master Harry and Former Master Draco played snooker for two and a half hours. Master Harry won the majority of the frames. The final score was --"
"I don't need to know that! Tell me what they did afterwards!"
"Very well." Kreacher continued with his story. "After they concluded their match, Master Harry offered Former Master Draco a butterbeer. Former Master Draco declined, as he is on Atkins and is counting his carbohydrates."
"He wants to stay slim for Harry!" Rose sighed at the romance of it all.
Kreacher rolled his enormous eyes. "Instead, the two of them drank gin and tonics. They discussed their families and their work."
"How did they sit?" Rose interrupted him.
"Sit, young Mistress?"
"Yes, how did they sit? You know -- were they close to each other?"
"Yes, Kreacher supposes they were. They sat on the sofa."
"Side by side?" Rose was trembling with excitement.
"Kreacher believes so, yes. Kreacher really didn't pay that much attention to the sitting."
"It's so beautiful! A stolen moment!" Rose needed to know more. "When did they start to kiss?"
"They did not kiss, young Mistress."
"They didn't kiss?" That didn't make sense. Unless they didn't kiss during sex. But why not? Of course! Maybe they liked to role-play a bit, pretending that Draco was an evil death eater who'd captured Harry and was taking him against his will. It was a little kinky, Rose supposed, but after so many years they must need to do something to keep it all fresh. And afterwards, there would be cuddles and reassurances and ... mmmm! "Okay then, tell me about the sex."
"The sex, young Mistress?"
"Yes, and don't be prudish. I'm a big girl; I can handle the truth." Rose reached for a quill and parchment; she wanted to record all the details. She would post them to her livejournal once Kreacher left.
"There was no sex, young Mistress."
"No sex?" Rose dropped her quill in dismay. How was that possible?
"No, young Mistress." The house-elf sneered, and Rose could tell he was taking joy in letting her down like this. "There was no sex. Master Harry and Former Master Draco finished their drinks. They played a game of darts, which Former Master Draco won, and then they bid each other good night. Former Master Draco took the floo home. After that, Kreacher returned to pervy young Mistress to deliver this report. That is all."
Rose drooped with defeat. "Well then. There's only one explanation for this, isn't there, Kreacher?"
"And what's that, young Mistress."
"They knew you were there the whole time! You must be the worst spy in the world! You ruined their romantic evening! Now get out of here, before I give you clothes!"
***
The knock on the door was welcome, as Rose had now been grounded for over a week. "Come in!" She called.
A tall, sandy-haired man entered the room. Rose screwed up her face in confusion. "Who are you?"
The man chuckled nervously. "Rose, it's me. Teddy. You know me."
"Oh!" Rose smiled in welcome. "I didn't recognize you because of your morphing."
"Rose, you know I don't change my appearance at home." Teddy spoke gently. "It confuses people too much. I only do it for work, remember? This is what I usually look like."
Rose rolled her eyes; Teddy's refusal to use his metamorph powers at home was so boring! "You look different. I think you're starting to morph without meaning to. It's probably a unconscious way of dealing with all your angst."
"My angst?" Teddy's forehead wrinkled in bewilderment.
"You know. Because your parents died when you were just a baby and you never got to know them. And also, because they never really loved each other, since your father never got over Sirius Black. So you have to live with knowing that your whole existance is based on a lie." She shook her head. "I feel really bad for you, Teddy. That can't be easy."
"Right. Thanks." Teddy looked nonplussed. "Anyway, Rose, I really wanted to talk to you about this whole thing with Harry and Draco."
"Oh Teddy! Not you too!" All week long, homophobes had been trying to tell Rose that her uncles did not have, nor had they ever had, a romantic relationship. It was really sad; all these people being too prejudiced to deal with reality.
"No, Rose. Here's the thing." Teddy leaned forward intently. "You're right."
Rose almost fell to the ground with shock and glee. "I am? I mean, of course I am! I knew that! But how do you know?"
"I caught them together, years ago." Teddy kept his voice low. "I promised them I would never tell, but you managed to figure it out on your own, so I think it's okay if we talk about it."
"Of course it's okay! It's wonderful!" Rose moved towards her computer. "Teddy, you have to go online right away. You have to tell everyone what you saw!"
"Rose, I can't!" Teddy spoke urgently. "There's a curse!"
"A curse?"
"That's right." He nodded sagely. "Lucius Malfoy cursed them just before he died, since he was so homophobic and everything. If more than three people ever find out about their relationship, if people really know about it for sure, they will both suddenly become heterosexual. Forever. There's nothing anyone can do; there's no way to lift it."
Tears welled up in Rose's eyes. "Merlin, that's so tragic. What a horrible man he must have been, to do that to his own son!"
"He truly was."
"So Lucius knew, and you, and now there's me." Rose gasped. "That's three! No one else can ever find out the truth!"
"That's why you have to stop, Rose. I know you want to help them, but this can't go on. For the sake of their beautiful love, please, don't talk about it anymore."
"I swear." Rose placed her hand over her heart. "I really do. Please tell them they can count on me, Teddy. I won't tell a soul."
"That's a good girl." Teddy reached over and gave her a hug. "And now I have a little present for you."
"For me?"
"That's right. I know how hard it can be to have a secret you can't tell. If you keep thinking about it, it'll drive you crazy. So I brought you something to distract you." Teddy dug around in his robes and pulled out a paperback novel. "Here, take a look."
Rose looked at the black book jacket skeptically. The cover image was just a pair of hands cupping an apple; it didn't look overly exciting. "Twilight?"
"That's right!" Teddy enthused. "I think you'll adore it. There's forbidden love, and vampires, and they sparkle."
"Sparkle?" That did sound good. "I guess I could give it a try."
"Enjoy!" Teddy headed for the door, but Rose was already too engrossed in her new passion to even say goodbye.
***
"Did it work?" Lorcan Scamander asked, as Teddy made his way down the stairs.
"I think so. She seemed to buy it."
"Good." Lorcan smiled. "The poor kid. She's just desperate for a bit of romance in her life, isn't she?"
"I know." Teddy replied. "It's funny though, isn't it?"
"Funny?"
"All her fantasizing about lonely war orphans having secret gay relationships with gorgeous, dashing blond men..." Teddy trailed off.
"And she never once thought of us!" Lorcan finished his lover's sentence before pulling Teddy into a passionate kiss.
And then they had the very best buttsecks ever with lots and lots of orgasms and it didn't hurt at all becuz they were in luv and then they had a beautiful gay wedding and adopted twenty cute orphans and lived happily ever after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!eleven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***
Posted at 11:52 by jaspers_rose on twilightslash4eva
OMG u guyz!
emmett and jasper both SO want edward!
i hate bella (that stupid beeyotch -- pardon my french ;)) for keeping the OT3 apart!
she should go have sex with a werewolf and get rabies and be disfigured and die or something!
edmettsper shipper 4 life!!!! friend me if u agree!!!!
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3