FIC:The Definition of Dreaming
Title: The Definition of Dreaming
Author: Anj (rosesanguina)
Pairing: hint of Sirius/James, but mostly Sirius gen
Rating: R
Word Count: ~850 or so.
A/N: Thank you to petulantgod for the beta. ♥ This was written in an attempt to break writers' block, as part of something Seph and I invented this morning called an XLV Session: 45 minutes, 10 songs, 6 words, and two prompts. The prompts were 'what might have been' & 'the definition of dreaming', and the words to use were vacillate, susurrant, ecumenical, reverie, malediction, & captivation.
dream (drēm)
n.
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
Eyelids flicker ceaselessly beneath drape of thick glossy black, eyelashes curled spider-like against pale hollowed cheeks shadowed and darkened, steady rise-fall of chest and flare of nostril speaking of a peace long since flown from time-ravaged and tortured mind. He sleeps, yes, but he dreams, and dreams are the things most dangerous in this place, the windows to his soul, uncontrollable, irrepressible, and he vacillates between sleep and wakefulness as long as he can, not wanting to let them in, to reveal himself, to lay himself bare and open to their probing minds sharp like steel and fire, but he is only human, has only ever been human, godlike as he may have felt once, Then, Before, and he cannot resist forever.
2. A daydream; a reverie.
It drives him half-mad before long, this place, this space, small and confining yet so huge because he cannot fill it and he was always larger than life, brilliant and golden and so much of him, and yet here he is small, a child, beneath his mother's imperious glare and sharp tongue and heavy hand, and as a child now he lets his mind wander, curls small so small and dreams of better days, of shining eyes and laughing lips and hair that never would lay flat, of hands warm with comfort and love, of soothing tongue and susurrant moans as limbs tangled long and lean together beneath crimson-thick sheets behind crimson-heavy drapes, where nothing could touch them but each other. Of feeling not-alone and not-wrong and not-broken, like perhaps he was not useless and naughty and evil after all, like he did not disappoint but was good, good boy, eager to please as he gazed deep into dark-lashed eyes, watching them slide in and out of focus, but knowing they saw him, only him, as he was, as he longed to be, and he wished he knew how to see himself through those eyes, to believe that he was as good as swollen lips and heavy tongue insisted, and in those moments, those suspended perfect moments of moanthrustgaspbuck, he felt like he almost could.
3. A state of abstraction; a trance.
He used to fear they would take this from him, take these thoughts, these feelings, all he has left, all he will ever have left. He vaguely remembers feeling them try, long fingers somehow longer as they slip through his skull and wrap round his mind, cold and heavy and firm and grasping, wanting, clinging, pulling him inside too until he is lost deep inside, until their fingers become his fingers, their touch becomes his touch, cold is warm and mind is soul and Kiss is slide of tongue past his lips and against his own and deathly shrieks fade into nothing but captivating hitch of breath and perfect soft sigh, but even happiness has never been happy, good has never been truly good, and they withdraw, disappointed, empty of him, for they cannot take from him what does not exist inside him, what he does not know how to feel.
4. A wild fancy or hope.
He could have felt, maybe once, maybe someday, but it has long since been taken from him, first by her, then by war and responsibility and growing up and the ways of the world. Wide-eyed boy, excitable and high on this and that and success and life, wanting, thinking maybe if, maybe if, but seeing those same eyes, once so open, so alive and adoring and seeing only him, somehow older, glassier, distant and away from him, and gentle caring words worse than malediction in their finality, but maybe it's better this way anyhow, because this way he will never mess up as he always messes up, never have a chance to break the only whole pure beautiful thing he ever touched, never lose something he never actually had, and he can still close his eyes, and remember, and smile.
5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration.
They fought for an ecumenical existence, he remembers, mind floating falling in that state between dreaming and awake; a life where all could live in harmony, could learn to coexist, to learn from each other share with each other enjoy each other be as one and not hate or fear or fight or die, could just be, live and let live, to remove sense of superiority, to accept and connect and find that elusive peace that was so longed for and never reached, to find that universally shared desire, and see eye to eye (grey to hazel) and join (clasp) hands and feel as one (joined forever). But in this place, where dreams abound, there is one thing Sirius has learned, one thing he will never forget.
The definition of dreaming.
6. A state of mind characterized by abstraction and release from reality.
Author: Anj (rosesanguina)
Pairing: hint of Sirius/James, but mostly Sirius gen
Rating: R
Word Count: ~850 or so.
A/N: Thank you to petulantgod for the beta. ♥ This was written in an attempt to break writers' block, as part of something Seph and I invented this morning called an XLV Session: 45 minutes, 10 songs, 6 words, and two prompts. The prompts were 'what might have been' & 'the definition of dreaming', and the words to use were vacillate, susurrant, ecumenical, reverie, malediction, & captivation.
dream (drēm)
n.
1. A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.
Eyelids flicker ceaselessly beneath drape of thick glossy black, eyelashes curled spider-like against pale hollowed cheeks shadowed and darkened, steady rise-fall of chest and flare of nostril speaking of a peace long since flown from time-ravaged and tortured mind. He sleeps, yes, but he dreams, and dreams are the things most dangerous in this place, the windows to his soul, uncontrollable, irrepressible, and he vacillates between sleep and wakefulness as long as he can, not wanting to let them in, to reveal himself, to lay himself bare and open to their probing minds sharp like steel and fire, but he is only human, has only ever been human, godlike as he may have felt once, Then, Before, and he cannot resist forever.
2. A daydream; a reverie.
It drives him half-mad before long, this place, this space, small and confining yet so huge because he cannot fill it and he was always larger than life, brilliant and golden and so much of him, and yet here he is small, a child, beneath his mother's imperious glare and sharp tongue and heavy hand, and as a child now he lets his mind wander, curls small so small and dreams of better days, of shining eyes and laughing lips and hair that never would lay flat, of hands warm with comfort and love, of soothing tongue and susurrant moans as limbs tangled long and lean together beneath crimson-thick sheets behind crimson-heavy drapes, where nothing could touch them but each other. Of feeling not-alone and not-wrong and not-broken, like perhaps he was not useless and naughty and evil after all, like he did not disappoint but was good, good boy, eager to please as he gazed deep into dark-lashed eyes, watching them slide in and out of focus, but knowing they saw him, only him, as he was, as he longed to be, and he wished he knew how to see himself through those eyes, to believe that he was as good as swollen lips and heavy tongue insisted, and in those moments, those suspended perfect moments of moanthrustgaspbuck, he felt like he almost could.
3. A state of abstraction; a trance.
He used to fear they would take this from him, take these thoughts, these feelings, all he has left, all he will ever have left. He vaguely remembers feeling them try, long fingers somehow longer as they slip through his skull and wrap round his mind, cold and heavy and firm and grasping, wanting, clinging, pulling him inside too until he is lost deep inside, until their fingers become his fingers, their touch becomes his touch, cold is warm and mind is soul and Kiss is slide of tongue past his lips and against his own and deathly shrieks fade into nothing but captivating hitch of breath and perfect soft sigh, but even happiness has never been happy, good has never been truly good, and they withdraw, disappointed, empty of him, for they cannot take from him what does not exist inside him, what he does not know how to feel.
4. A wild fancy or hope.
He could have felt, maybe once, maybe someday, but it has long since been taken from him, first by her, then by war and responsibility and growing up and the ways of the world. Wide-eyed boy, excitable and high on this and that and success and life, wanting, thinking maybe if, maybe if, but seeing those same eyes, once so open, so alive and adoring and seeing only him, somehow older, glassier, distant and away from him, and gentle caring words worse than malediction in their finality, but maybe it's better this way anyhow, because this way he will never mess up as he always messes up, never have a chance to break the only whole pure beautiful thing he ever touched, never lose something he never actually had, and he can still close his eyes, and remember, and smile.
5. A condition or achievement that is longed for; an aspiration.
They fought for an ecumenical existence, he remembers, mind floating falling in that state between dreaming and awake; a life where all could live in harmony, could learn to coexist, to learn from each other share with each other enjoy each other be as one and not hate or fear or fight or die, could just be, live and let live, to remove sense of superiority, to accept and connect and find that elusive peace that was so longed for and never reached, to find that universally shared desire, and see eye to eye (grey to hazel) and join (clasp) hands and feel as one (joined forever). But in this place, where dreams abound, there is one thing Sirius has learned, one thing he will never forget.
The definition of dreaming.
6. A state of mind characterized by abstraction and release from reality.