fic for lowlands_girl: Strange Brew (Snape, PG)
Title: Strange Brew
Recipient: lowlands_girl
Rating: PG
Character(s): Snape
Warnings: None
Author's Notes: Happy Christmas!
Summary: Sometimes being nice is its own reward.
--
'I'm sorry, Severus.' McGonagall leaned back in the big chair, folding her arms across her scrawny chest. 'No is no.'
Snape scowled. 'So you're going to throw me to the wolves.'
McGonagall gave a tight smile. 'No one is throwing you to the wolves. You have to admit that an accident in Potions raises grave concerns about the safety of your students.'
'One accident,' Snape hissed. 'One student. Persephone Pigsbottom -'
'Higgsbotham.'
'Pigsbottom.' Snape ignored the interruption. 'Potions is a dangerous and demanding craft. There is no room for fools. I have no idea what the stupid child did, but I will find out - Ministry or no Ministry.'
'Of course you will,' McGonagall agreed. 'But until you do, you'll welcome the Ministry Inspector into your dungeon. He'll expect to see challenging and well-planned lessons and a supportive and caring environment for your students.' She uncrossed her arms and pushed a docket across the desk. 'This came by Owl this morning.'
Snape eyed it suspiciously. 'What is it?'
'Standards of Teaching Excellence for Wizards.' A smile flickered across her face. 'And don't bother going to Albus behind my back. He agrees with me.'
Snape snatched up the docket, tore it in half and stormed out. It wasn't until he had reached the safety of his quarters that he realised he was still clutching the pieces.
--
The man from the Ministry was small and round, with a hideously cheerful smile and a bowler hat that was modelled on Cornelius Fudge's. He shook Snape's hand with a wet grasp and introduced himself as Albert Puffkins - 'But you can call me Albert, eh, eh?' - before ambling over to the back of the dungeon, where he curled up cheerfully on the most uncomfortable stool Snape had been able to find. Snape's lips tightened and he stalked to the door to welcome his first class.
Tiny Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs poured in, shrieking at the tops of their high-pitched voices and glancing at Snape in surprise when there was no reaction. Snape fixed a saccharine smile to his face and beamed at them as they flung down their bags and scrambled into their seats. Think of Potter dangling above an open fire, he told himself. Think of Potter - He became aware that Puffkins was looking at him expectantly, and took a deep breath.
'Ah. Good - er - morning, class. How nice to see you.'
The class gaped at him.
'Now I know how much you enjoy the practical work,' (he shot a glance at Puffkins, whose head was bobbing up and down over an enormous clipboard), 'but sometimes we need to, um, take a step back and show off what we've learned. I hope everyone remembers that we were having a test today?'
Nobody spoke.
'Well done,' Snape continued, desperate to break the silence. 'Well done! I'm sure you've all revised hard. I think you'll find it a little easier than you expected.' They certainly ought to. He had spent all night rewriting it.
In the far corner, little Protheroe gave him an assessing look. 'Sir -'
'Test conditions!' Snape clapped his hands and gave the child a manic grin.
'But, sir -'
'Now, now!'
'Sir!'
Snape gave it up as a bad job. 'Yes, Protheroe?'
The child grinned evilly. 'Sir, who's the fat man sitting in the corner?'
On the way out, Snape felt a sharp blow to his shin as Protheroe scuffled past. He didn't mind. Obscured by the robes, he'd got in a good kick of his own.
--
'Very good, indeed, Severus, very good indeed.' As soon as the dungeon was empty, Puffkins sidled cheerily over and stood in Snape's personal space. 'Mind you, we'll need to see those test scores, won't we? Can't judge a whole class on just one lesson!' He chortled as if he had made a joke.
'No, indeed,' Snape replied in a withering voice. 'Perhaps you would like to help mark them?'
The resulting outburst of laughter sprayed spittle all over his robes. With an effort, Snape kept his hand away from his wand. 'Mark them!' the little man guffawed. 'Mark them! Do you know what I got in my Potions OWL?'
'I haven't the faintest idea.'
'A T!' Puffkins brayed. 'T for Troll!'
Snape searched for a suitable reply and found nothing.
--
'Get him out of my classroom.' Snape collapsed into a chair. 'Before I kill him,' he amplified.
Dumbledore looked up from a pile of papers. 'Severus. How nice to see you. I hope you're having an enjoyable day?' The glance Snape shot him spoke volumes. 'Ah. Not so enjoyable, perhaps. But our friend from the Ministry tells me he is having a wonderful time. I have always thought that our lessons should be open to general observation.' He gestured with his wand. 'You look to me,' he remarked, 'like a man badly in need of a cup of tea.'
Snape reached for the cup with shaking hands. 'There are three hundred and twenty-seven potions ingredients in the human body. Three hundred and twenty-seven. Probably fewer in Longbottom, of course. Many of them are difficult to obtain lawfully. Get rid of him, Albus, before I lose my temper and replenish my store cupboard.'
'Now, now, Severus.' There was a twinkle in Dumbledore's eye. Snape put down the teacup and flexed his fingers, imagining how they would feel around the Headmaster's throat. 'You only have one lesson this afternoon, don't you?' Dumbledore continued. 'Who is it? Ah, yes, Harry's class. Well, that should be a challenge, don't you think?'
--
Snape steeled himself as he waited by the door. Here they come. Potter, Weasley, Granger. The unholy trio. And, God help me, Longbottom. He nodded and smiled at his students as they entered the classroom and they stared at him in confusion.
Granger's hand was up almost before she had sat down. Typical.
'You have a question, Granger?'
'Professor Snape, about that homework. I tried to get hold of Disgusting Doses, but Madam Pince said -'
Snape raised a hand and she fell silent at once. 'I'm sure that won't be a problem, Gra - Hermione,' he told her in an avuncular tone. 'Your homework is always excellent.' Behind her, Potter and Weasley exchanged shocked glances. Weasley stuck up his hand.
'Professor Snape?'
Snape folded his arms and beamed around the room. Three hundred and twenty-seven. He began to tick them off, one after the other. 'Mr Weasley?'
'I didn't actually do the essay.'
'Don't worry about it. But I'm disappointed that you didn't feel able to come and ask for help. You know how happy I am to see my students outside class.' Weasley blanched. Snape gave him a beatific smile and turned away.
Femur, nail clippings, roasted coccyx. Snape gestured at the board with his wand. 'I'm sure you'll all be excited to see what we're going to be making today!' He glanced round the room, taking in the complete lack of excitement and the predictable expression of dread on Longbottom's face. Not even you can get this wrong, he thought. Unfortunately.
Granger frowned at the board and the hand shot up again. Snape gritted his teeth and gave what he hoped was an encouraging nod.
'A Masquerading Mixture, Professor?'
Nasal hair, knucklebones… 'Indeed, Gra - Hermione. You've heard of it?' She nodded and opened her mouth to speak. He cut her off smoothly, turning to Potter, who was staring sullenly at his desk as if he expected it to bite him.
'And how about you, Harry?'
Potter picked up on the barb, as Snape had known he would. He fiddled with his quill, refusing to meet Snape's eyes.
'Harry?' Snape prompted gently. A fierce joy welled up inside him. Potter mumbled something unintelligible.
'Not quite, Harry.' Snape told him cheerfully. 'Never mind, we can't all be good at Potions, can we? And you do try so very hard.' He reached out and ruffled the boy's hair. Under his fingers, Potter flinched. Puffkins gave an approving nod and scribbled something on his clipboard.
'Now then, everybody,' Snape announced. 'We'll be working in pairs today, so choose a partner. No, Longbottom, I said pairs. Good lad. Draco, you'll work with Harry here, won't you? I think he could benefit from your experience.' He gripped Potter's hair and gave a final twist. 'Just try your hardest, Harry. That's all that matters.'
Head high, he walked back to the front of the class. This was going to be fun.
--
Recipient: lowlands_girl
Rating: PG
Character(s): Snape
Warnings: None
Author's Notes: Happy Christmas!
Summary: Sometimes being nice is its own reward.
--
'I'm sorry, Severus.' McGonagall leaned back in the big chair, folding her arms across her scrawny chest. 'No is no.'
Snape scowled. 'So you're going to throw me to the wolves.'
McGonagall gave a tight smile. 'No one is throwing you to the wolves. You have to admit that an accident in Potions raises grave concerns about the safety of your students.'
'One accident,' Snape hissed. 'One student. Persephone Pigsbottom -'
'Higgsbotham.'
'Pigsbottom.' Snape ignored the interruption. 'Potions is a dangerous and demanding craft. There is no room for fools. I have no idea what the stupid child did, but I will find out - Ministry or no Ministry.'
'Of course you will,' McGonagall agreed. 'But until you do, you'll welcome the Ministry Inspector into your dungeon. He'll expect to see challenging and well-planned lessons and a supportive and caring environment for your students.' She uncrossed her arms and pushed a docket across the desk. 'This came by Owl this morning.'
Snape eyed it suspiciously. 'What is it?'
'Standards of Teaching Excellence for Wizards.' A smile flickered across her face. 'And don't bother going to Albus behind my back. He agrees with me.'
Snape snatched up the docket, tore it in half and stormed out. It wasn't until he had reached the safety of his quarters that he realised he was still clutching the pieces.
--
The man from the Ministry was small and round, with a hideously cheerful smile and a bowler hat that was modelled on Cornelius Fudge's. He shook Snape's hand with a wet grasp and introduced himself as Albert Puffkins - 'But you can call me Albert, eh, eh?' - before ambling over to the back of the dungeon, where he curled up cheerfully on the most uncomfortable stool Snape had been able to find. Snape's lips tightened and he stalked to the door to welcome his first class.
Tiny Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs poured in, shrieking at the tops of their high-pitched voices and glancing at Snape in surprise when there was no reaction. Snape fixed a saccharine smile to his face and beamed at them as they flung down their bags and scrambled into their seats. Think of Potter dangling above an open fire, he told himself. Think of Potter - He became aware that Puffkins was looking at him expectantly, and took a deep breath.
'Ah. Good - er - morning, class. How nice to see you.'
The class gaped at him.
'Now I know how much you enjoy the practical work,' (he shot a glance at Puffkins, whose head was bobbing up and down over an enormous clipboard), 'but sometimes we need to, um, take a step back and show off what we've learned. I hope everyone remembers that we were having a test today?'
Nobody spoke.
'Well done,' Snape continued, desperate to break the silence. 'Well done! I'm sure you've all revised hard. I think you'll find it a little easier than you expected.' They certainly ought to. He had spent all night rewriting it.
In the far corner, little Protheroe gave him an assessing look. 'Sir -'
'Test conditions!' Snape clapped his hands and gave the child a manic grin.
'But, sir -'
'Now, now!'
'Sir!'
Snape gave it up as a bad job. 'Yes, Protheroe?'
The child grinned evilly. 'Sir, who's the fat man sitting in the corner?'
On the way out, Snape felt a sharp blow to his shin as Protheroe scuffled past. He didn't mind. Obscured by the robes, he'd got in a good kick of his own.
--
'Very good, indeed, Severus, very good indeed.' As soon as the dungeon was empty, Puffkins sidled cheerily over and stood in Snape's personal space. 'Mind you, we'll need to see those test scores, won't we? Can't judge a whole class on just one lesson!' He chortled as if he had made a joke.
'No, indeed,' Snape replied in a withering voice. 'Perhaps you would like to help mark them?'
The resulting outburst of laughter sprayed spittle all over his robes. With an effort, Snape kept his hand away from his wand. 'Mark them!' the little man guffawed. 'Mark them! Do you know what I got in my Potions OWL?'
'I haven't the faintest idea.'
'A T!' Puffkins brayed. 'T for Troll!'
Snape searched for a suitable reply and found nothing.
--
'Get him out of my classroom.' Snape collapsed into a chair. 'Before I kill him,' he amplified.
Dumbledore looked up from a pile of papers. 'Severus. How nice to see you. I hope you're having an enjoyable day?' The glance Snape shot him spoke volumes. 'Ah. Not so enjoyable, perhaps. But our friend from the Ministry tells me he is having a wonderful time. I have always thought that our lessons should be open to general observation.' He gestured with his wand. 'You look to me,' he remarked, 'like a man badly in need of a cup of tea.'
Snape reached for the cup with shaking hands. 'There are three hundred and twenty-seven potions ingredients in the human body. Three hundred and twenty-seven. Probably fewer in Longbottom, of course. Many of them are difficult to obtain lawfully. Get rid of him, Albus, before I lose my temper and replenish my store cupboard.'
'Now, now, Severus.' There was a twinkle in Dumbledore's eye. Snape put down the teacup and flexed his fingers, imagining how they would feel around the Headmaster's throat. 'You only have one lesson this afternoon, don't you?' Dumbledore continued. 'Who is it? Ah, yes, Harry's class. Well, that should be a challenge, don't you think?'
--
Snape steeled himself as he waited by the door. Here they come. Potter, Weasley, Granger. The unholy trio. And, God help me, Longbottom. He nodded and smiled at his students as they entered the classroom and they stared at him in confusion.
Granger's hand was up almost before she had sat down. Typical.
'You have a question, Granger?'
'Professor Snape, about that homework. I tried to get hold of Disgusting Doses, but Madam Pince said -'
Snape raised a hand and she fell silent at once. 'I'm sure that won't be a problem, Gra - Hermione,' he told her in an avuncular tone. 'Your homework is always excellent.' Behind her, Potter and Weasley exchanged shocked glances. Weasley stuck up his hand.
'Professor Snape?'
Snape folded his arms and beamed around the room. Three hundred and twenty-seven. He began to tick them off, one after the other. 'Mr Weasley?'
'I didn't actually do the essay.'
'Don't worry about it. But I'm disappointed that you didn't feel able to come and ask for help. You know how happy I am to see my students outside class.' Weasley blanched. Snape gave him a beatific smile and turned away.
Femur, nail clippings, roasted coccyx. Snape gestured at the board with his wand. 'I'm sure you'll all be excited to see what we're going to be making today!' He glanced round the room, taking in the complete lack of excitement and the predictable expression of dread on Longbottom's face. Not even you can get this wrong, he thought. Unfortunately.
Granger frowned at the board and the hand shot up again. Snape gritted his teeth and gave what he hoped was an encouraging nod.
'A Masquerading Mixture, Professor?'
Nasal hair, knucklebones… 'Indeed, Gra - Hermione. You've heard of it?' She nodded and opened her mouth to speak. He cut her off smoothly, turning to Potter, who was staring sullenly at his desk as if he expected it to bite him.
'And how about you, Harry?'
Potter picked up on the barb, as Snape had known he would. He fiddled with his quill, refusing to meet Snape's eyes.
'Harry?' Snape prompted gently. A fierce joy welled up inside him. Potter mumbled something unintelligible.
'Not quite, Harry.' Snape told him cheerfully. 'Never mind, we can't all be good at Potions, can we? And you do try so very hard.' He reached out and ruffled the boy's hair. Under his fingers, Potter flinched. Puffkins gave an approving nod and scribbled something on his clipboard.
'Now then, everybody,' Snape announced. 'We'll be working in pairs today, so choose a partner. No, Longbottom, I said pairs. Good lad. Draco, you'll work with Harry here, won't you? I think he could benefit from your experience.' He gripped Potter's hair and gave a final twist. 'Just try your hardest, Harry. That's all that matters.'
Head high, he walked back to the front of the class. This was going to be fun.
--