[FIC] We're Looking for Something Dumb to Do
Author: sarahyyy
Title: We’re Looking For Something Dumb To Do
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2700
Pairing(s): Scorpius/Rose
Warnings: Slight language and presence of OC.
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Scorpius and Rose are getting a divorce. Al is absolutely devastated.
Author’s Notes: This ended up deviating from the original prompt a lot. I kept the line "Judgmental? If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out." but storyline-wise, it’s all very different. A big thank you to GS for the beta work; all mistakes herein belong to me. ♥
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: …
They are getting a divorce.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: HAHAHA
You almost got me there! You’re lucky my heart is strong.
I’m going over to their place for dinner for fuck’s sake. And they’ve always been lovey-dovey to the point it’s unbearable. They would never get a divorce. NEVER.
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: I’m serious
Rose just Flooed me and asked if I could draft out divorce papers.
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s, Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
CC: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: Zabini’s a dick
He said you were getting a divorce and I laughed so hard I choked on my sandwich and now my throat feels horrible. I’m going for a checkup and sending all my bills to all three of you.
________________________________________________________
“Optimus Augustus Zabini, have you never heard of the term legal professional privilege?”
“It’s Al!”
“Exactly.”
“He would want to know.”
“We wanted to break it to him ourselves.”
“Scorpius, you don’t have to do this - you know that right?”
“It’s not practical to keep it up any more. She’s said as much.”
“Do you want a divorce?”
“I want what she wants.”
“She wants a divorce.”
“I’m giving it to her.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Probably, but if she’s happier with a divorce, I see no reason not to give it to her.”
“Besides the fact that you still love her?”
“I never said that.”
“But do you?”
“Do I what?”
“Still love her, idiot!”
“Opt, I’ve got to go. There’s a patient waiting. Talk later, yeah?”
“But-”
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s, Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
CC: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: WHAT IS GOING ON?
No one is replying my calls or emails or whatever. I am this close to having a panic attack. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: WHAT IS GOING ON?
Scorpius and I are getting a divorce. We were going to tell you over dinner, but as you already know, Zabini is a dick.
Don’t tell anyone yet. We’re only going to break it to everyone when we’ve signed the papers. It’s important that you do not tell anyone.
Love,
Rose
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
I would sue you if you weren’t the only lawyer I could trust to be discreet about my divorce. OH WAIT, YOU AREN’T. YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE ALREADY CALLED IN TO REPORT THIS TO THE PROPHET IF I WEREN’T THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF THERE.
I can’t believe you told Al, even though Scorpius and I repeatedly asked that you keep things under wraps until everything has been settled, even though Scorpius and I not only subtly hinted that you shouldn’t breathe a word of it to Al until we told him about it ourselves.
You are very lucky I sort of like you.
Legal Professional Privilege, Zabini, it’s a thing. Search it up.
I’m paying you to shut up,
Rose
PS: Divorce papers don’t take years to be drafted out. Tick tock…I’m waiting.
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Al
1) He deserves to know.
2) I only told Al.
3) You don’t ‘sort of like me.’ You love me. Don’t think that I don’t see that you only want this divorce because you’re lusting over a piece of my arse.
4) I’m not drafting up shit until you tell me why you want a divorce.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
I want a divorce because I’m lusting over a piece of your arse.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Al
Flattering, yes; convincing, no.
Also, Scorpius still loves you. He said as much to me in as little words as possible today. I can tell that he’s grieving. You’re a heartbreaker, woman.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
It’s a mutually agreed divorce.
Define ‘as little words as possible.’
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s, Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
CC: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: NO!
No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You’re not getting a divorce. I forbid this. I FORBID THIS. Why didn’t anyone consult me at all?! Do I mean nothing to you people? NO. NO DIVORCE.
Zabini, if you draw up any papers for them, I swear to Godric I will rip you apart.
________________________________________________________
“What the hell did you do to warrant Rose demanding a divorce?”
“I didn’t do- Why does everyone think that Rose suggested the divorce?”
“Did she?”
“Yes, but-”
“NO BUTS. DID YOU CHEAT ON HER YOU SLYTHERIN BASTARD? I SWEAR I WILL RIP YOUR INTES-”
“No, Al, I did not cheat on her.”
“Oh. Did she cheat on you then?”
“What? No!”
“No?”
“No.”
“Oh, well, fantastic. Then there’s NO REASON TO GET A DIVORCE.”
“It’s a mutual thing.”
“YOU CAN’T DIVORCE OVER NOTHING. YOU CAN’T.”
“It’s called ‘irreconcilable differences.’ It basically means that you can divorce over anything at all.”
“You can’t divorce. What is going to happen to me then?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t get the link?”
“I sleep over at your house more often than I actually do my own apartment. I go over to your place for dinner five days a week. I watch Quidditch matches at your place. I have my own set of keys to your house. You installed Wizard-Net at your place because I bugged you to! I’m practically your kid in this relationship. Don’t I get a fucking say?”
“Watch your mouth, Al. Don’t let Rose hear you.”
“Yes, dad. Can you not divorce mum now?”
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Al
He didn’t say anything. Didn’t have to, though. It was all in his tone.
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Dinner
Are we still having dinner with Al now that he knows and everything? He has a lot to say and he is rather loud. We haven’t moved the glassware yet.
-S
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Dinner
I’ll get chocolate ice cream. It should shut him up properly while we talk to him like adults.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
You’re an idiot, Zabini. And I still want the divorce papers.
________________________________________________________
“Al…”
“No, no, no, no, no. I get to talk first. First things first - no divorce, I don’t know why you are even contemplating to get a divorce, but none of this shit. Secondly, oh wait, there is no secondly. So yeah. NO DIVORCE.”
“Scorpius and I have already talked about it. It’s all settled. We’re waiting for Opt to finish drafting the divorce papers.”
“NO! Why? Why are you getting a divorce? Can you not get a divorce? Please?”
“Rose and I don’t think it’s realistic to keep up a marriage when all we’re doing is fighting over every small thing now.”
“Is that it? That’s no grounds for divorce! That’s stupid and childish and so you!”
“Al, stop being so judgemental about everything and listen-”
“JUDGEMENTAL? If I were any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out. Think about it, the both of you, just stop and think! How fucking immature is this?”
“Watch your mouth, Al.”
“What he said. And also, if we were being immature about this, we would be fighting over the house right now.”
“As it is, Rose and I have already divided the things between ourselves.”
“WHAT? Who’s getting the TV and that juice blender that makes the best apple-orange juice and that-no wait! NO DIVORCE! I don’t want you to get a divorce!”
“Al, you just have to accept that Scorpius and I are getting a divorce and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Is it me? I promise that I will be good! I will clean my room and pick up my dirty laundry and I won’t make any quips about your ‘yoga sessions’ at night and I’ll wash my dishes and everything! Just don’t get a divorce, please.”
“…”
“…”
“I won’t fight for custody with you, Scor.”
“You can have him actually.”
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: OH MY MERLIN
THEY ARE GETTING A DIVORCE OH MY MERLIN. OH GOOD GODRIC. I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE.
WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING OPT. WE NEED TO LOCK THEM UP IN A BROOM CLOSET OR SOMETHING. OPTIMUS, DO SOMETHING!!!
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: OH MY MERLIN
This isn’t sixth year. We can’t lock them up in broom closets any more. It’s not going to work.
You could try to talk to Rose, though. She’s the one that wants the divorce. I can tell Scorpius still loves her a lot.
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: The Glassware
I’ve moved the glassware. Put yours at the Burrow, upstairs in the attic so Grandma Molly won’t know until we decide to tell them.
-S
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: The Glassware
Thank you, Scorpius.
~R
________________________________________________________
“Do you have nothing to say to me at all?”
“…Scorpius.”
“I’m surprised you can still recognise my voice.”
“You’re drunk.”
“Bingo! Give the witch a new broom!”
“Scorpius, where’re you now?”
“I don’t know. Here. There. Somewhere. I don’t know, I don’t really care.”
“Go home, Scorpius, take a shower and go to bed.”
“I don’t want to! House’s empty without you there. I miss you, Rose.”
“…go home, Scorpius.”
“Are you still mad at me? ‘Cause I can change. I will change. I can be better.”
“Scorpius, we shouldn’t be having this conversation when you’re drunk.”
“But we have to. You don’t talk to me otherwise and I miss you, Rose, I do and I don’t want to get a divorce and I love you and I’ll never stop loving you and we can’t do this because it’s not right-”
“Scorpius, go home.”
“I’m sorry, Rose. I’m sorry I wasn’t always there for you and I know why you think that I don’t love you any more but it’s not it. I do. I do still love you. I love you so much and I can change. I can stop working so many shifts and I can quit my job and we can take a vacation somewhere and we can make this work. We can.”
“I’m sorry, Scorpius, I- I can’t talk to you right now. Go home, yeah?”
“…I will.”
“Goodbye, Scorpius.”
“I love you, Rose.”
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: Rose’s gone mad; what do I do?
She came to my house last night and cried the whole night. She won’t talk to me, just came to my place, sat down and started crying. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Is she having a mental breakdown? Is she suffering from some kind of incurable disease?!
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: 20 Galleons say no divorce
Scorpius came to my place, absolutely smashed. He was saying all sorts of things, ranging from how much he loves Rose to how much he doesn’t want the divorce. Judging from what happened at your place, I think he might have said the same thing to Rose.
This is good news, Al!
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Last Night
I’m sorry. What I said last night was way out of line. I can’t remember everything I said, but if I made you uncomfortable in any way, I’m terribly sorry. It won’t happen again.
-S
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Last Night
Take back everything you said last night.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Last Night
Can’t. Not going to. I meant everything I said. Everything I remember saying, anyway.
-S
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Last Night
You can’t do this to me, Scorpius. It’s not fair. I don’t need to know all of this right after I decided to put everything behind me.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Divorce Papers
I need them now, Opt. I need them now.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Divorce Papers
No can do.
Why? Getting cold feet? I have a perfect remedy for that. DON’T GET A DIVORCE.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Divorce Papers
You are the worst lawyer ever. Absolutely horrid. I don’t know how you make money. Actually, I’m not exactly sure you’re not living off the Zabini family fortune. I bet your firm is just a front for you to hook up with divorced women who are emotionally unstable.
I pity your clients.
~R
________________________________________________________
“Scorpius?”
“Yeah?”
“We need to talk.”
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Rose called Scorpius
He literally flew out of my flat. If he’s not back in an hour, either he’s dead or they’re back together.
________________________________________________________
“You have reached Rose Malfoy. I am unable to pick up your phone call right now. Leave a message at the beep!”
“Rose? This is Al; just checking in to make sure that Scorpius is still alive.”
“*BEEP* Rose? You haven’t called me back. It’s been two hours since Scorpius left to see you and all, and I’m worried that he might be dead in a ditch. Or in your basement. Whichever. Call back, yeah?”
“*BEEP* Rose? Al again. Three hours. Scorpius isn’t dead, is he? He still owes me a new broom. And a few Galleons. Will you settle his debt for him since you’re both not technically divorced?”
“*BEEP* Okay. I am officially panicking because really, Rose, I do not want to have to be the person to throw you into Azkaban. Aunt Hermione will sob her eyes out and you know how I feel about sobbing women. So, yeah. Let Scorpius keep his limbs and certain important genitalia, yeah?”
________________________________________________________
“Can I do something first?”
“Really? You’re going to choose this time to make me wait?”
“I promise it won’t take more than two minutes, darling. Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“Two minutes, Malfoy. I’m timing you.”
________________________________________________________
“This is Scorpius Malfoy. If this is urgent, I’m sorry; you’re just going to have to wait. I’ll be busy shagging my wife the whole day. And after that, we’re going to take two weeks off for a second honeymoon.”
“…I’ll just tell Al that you’re not dead in a ditch, then.”
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
CC: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Divorce
Mr. Zabini,
I’m sorry that we’ve wasted your time, but we’re calling the divorce off.
Many apologies,
Mr. and Mrs. Scorpius Malfoy
Title: We’re Looking For Something Dumb To Do
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2700
Pairing(s): Scorpius/Rose
Warnings: Slight language and presence of OC.
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: Scorpius and Rose are getting a divorce. Al is absolutely devastated.
Author’s Notes: This ended up deviating from the original prompt a lot. I kept the line "Judgmental? If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out." but storyline-wise, it’s all very different. A big thank you to GS for the beta work; all mistakes herein belong to me. ♥
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: …
They are getting a divorce.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: HAHAHA
You almost got me there! You’re lucky my heart is strong.
I’m going over to their place for dinner for fuck’s sake. And they’ve always been lovey-dovey to the point it’s unbearable. They would never get a divorce. NEVER.
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: I’m serious
Rose just Flooed me and asked if I could draft out divorce papers.
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s, Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
CC: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: Zabini’s a dick
He said you were getting a divorce and I laughed so hard I choked on my sandwich and now my throat feels horrible. I’m going for a checkup and sending all my bills to all three of you.
________________________________________________________
“Optimus Augustus Zabini, have you never heard of the term legal professional privilege?”
“It’s Al!”
“Exactly.”
“He would want to know.”
“We wanted to break it to him ourselves.”
“Scorpius, you don’t have to do this - you know that right?”
“It’s not practical to keep it up any more. She’s said as much.”
“Do you want a divorce?”
“I want what she wants.”
“She wants a divorce.”
“I’m giving it to her.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Probably, but if she’s happier with a divorce, I see no reason not to give it to her.”
“Besides the fact that you still love her?”
“I never said that.”
“But do you?”
“Do I what?”
“Still love her, idiot!”
“Opt, I’ve got to go. There’s a patient waiting. Talk later, yeah?”
“But-”
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s, Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
CC: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: WHAT IS GOING ON?
No one is replying my calls or emails or whatever. I am this close to having a panic attack. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: WHAT IS GOING ON?
Scorpius and I are getting a divorce. We were going to tell you over dinner, but as you already know, Zabini is a dick.
Don’t tell anyone yet. We’re only going to break it to everyone when we’ve signed the papers. It’s important that you do not tell anyone.
Love,
Rose
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
I would sue you if you weren’t the only lawyer I could trust to be discreet about my divorce. OH WAIT, YOU AREN’T. YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE ALREADY CALLED IN TO REPORT THIS TO THE PROPHET IF I WEREN’T THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF THERE.
I can’t believe you told Al, even though Scorpius and I repeatedly asked that you keep things under wraps until everything has been settled, even though Scorpius and I not only subtly hinted that you shouldn’t breathe a word of it to Al until we told him about it ourselves.
You are very lucky I sort of like you.
Legal Professional Privilege, Zabini, it’s a thing. Search it up.
I’m paying you to shut up,
Rose
PS: Divorce papers don’t take years to be drafted out. Tick tock…I’m waiting.
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Al
1) He deserves to know.
2) I only told Al.
3) You don’t ‘sort of like me.’ You love me. Don’t think that I don’t see that you only want this divorce because you’re lusting over a piece of my arse.
4) I’m not drafting up shit until you tell me why you want a divorce.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
I want a divorce because I’m lusting over a piece of your arse.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Al
Flattering, yes; convincing, no.
Also, Scorpius still loves you. He said as much to me in as little words as possible today. I can tell that he’s grieving. You’re a heartbreaker, woman.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
It’s a mutually agreed divorce.
Define ‘as little words as possible.’
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s, Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
CC: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: NO!
No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You’re not getting a divorce. I forbid this. I FORBID THIS. Why didn’t anyone consult me at all?! Do I mean nothing to you people? NO. NO DIVORCE.
Zabini, if you draw up any papers for them, I swear to Godric I will rip you apart.
________________________________________________________
“What the hell did you do to warrant Rose demanding a divorce?”
“I didn’t do- Why does everyone think that Rose suggested the divorce?”
“Did she?”
“Yes, but-”
“NO BUTS. DID YOU CHEAT ON HER YOU SLYTHERIN BASTARD? I SWEAR I WILL RIP YOUR INTES-”
“No, Al, I did not cheat on her.”
“Oh. Did she cheat on you then?”
“What? No!”
“No?”
“No.”
“Oh, well, fantastic. Then there’s NO REASON TO GET A DIVORCE.”
“It’s a mutual thing.”
“YOU CAN’T DIVORCE OVER NOTHING. YOU CAN’T.”
“It’s called ‘irreconcilable differences.’ It basically means that you can divorce over anything at all.”
“You can’t divorce. What is going to happen to me then?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t get the link?”
“I sleep over at your house more often than I actually do my own apartment. I go over to your place for dinner five days a week. I watch Quidditch matches at your place. I have my own set of keys to your house. You installed Wizard-Net at your place because I bugged you to! I’m practically your kid in this relationship. Don’t I get a fucking say?”
“Watch your mouth, Al. Don’t let Rose hear you.”
“Yes, dad. Can you not divorce mum now?”
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Al
He didn’t say anything. Didn’t have to, though. It was all in his tone.
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Dinner
Are we still having dinner with Al now that he knows and everything? He has a lot to say and he is rather loud. We haven’t moved the glassware yet.
-S
________________________________________________________
To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Dinner
I’ll get chocolate ice cream. It should shut him up properly while we talk to him like adults.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Al
You’re an idiot, Zabini. And I still want the divorce papers.
________________________________________________________
“Al…”
“No, no, no, no, no. I get to talk first. First things first - no divorce, I don’t know why you are even contemplating to get a divorce, but none of this shit. Secondly, oh wait, there is no secondly. So yeah. NO DIVORCE.”
“Scorpius and I have already talked about it. It’s all settled. We’re waiting for Opt to finish drafting the divorce papers.”
“NO! Why? Why are you getting a divorce? Can you not get a divorce? Please?”
“Rose and I don’t think it’s realistic to keep up a marriage when all we’re doing is fighting over every small thing now.”
“Is that it? That’s no grounds for divorce! That’s stupid and childish and so you!”
“Al, stop being so judgemental about everything and listen-”
“JUDGEMENTAL? If I were any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out. Think about it, the both of you, just stop and think! How fucking immature is this?”
“Watch your mouth, Al.”
“What he said. And also, if we were being immature about this, we would be fighting over the house right now.”
“As it is, Rose and I have already divided the things between ourselves.”
“WHAT? Who’s getting the TV and that juice blender that makes the best apple-orange juice and that-no wait! NO DIVORCE! I don’t want you to get a divorce!”
“Al, you just have to accept that Scorpius and I are getting a divorce and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Is it me? I promise that I will be good! I will clean my room and pick up my dirty laundry and I won’t make any quips about your ‘yoga sessions’ at night and I’ll wash my dishes and everything! Just don’t get a divorce, please.”
“…”
“…”
“I won’t fight for custody with you, Scor.”
“You can have him actually.”
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: OH MY MERLIN
THEY ARE GETTING A DIVORCE OH MY MERLIN. OH GOOD GODRIC. I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE.
WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING OPT. WE NEED TO LOCK THEM UP IN A BROOM CLOSET OR SOMETHING. OPTIMUS, DO SOMETHING!!!
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: OH MY MERLIN
This isn’t sixth year. We can’t lock them up in broom closets any more. It’s not going to work.
You could try to talk to Rose, though. She’s the one that wants the divorce. I can tell Scorpius still loves her a lot.
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: The Glassware
I’ve moved the glassware. Put yours at the Burrow, upstairs in the attic so Grandma Molly won’t know until we decide to tell them.
-S
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To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: The Glassware
Thank you, Scorpius.
~R
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“Do you have nothing to say to me at all?”
“…Scorpius.”
“I’m surprised you can still recognise my voice.”
“You’re drunk.”
“Bingo! Give the witch a new broom!”
“Scorpius, where’re you now?”
“I don’t know. Here. There. Somewhere. I don’t know, I don’t really care.”
“Go home, Scorpius, take a shower and go to bed.”
“I don’t want to! House’s empty without you there. I miss you, Rose.”
“…go home, Scorpius.”
“Are you still mad at me? ‘Cause I can change. I will change. I can be better.”
“Scorpius, we shouldn’t be having this conversation when you’re drunk.”
“But we have to. You don’t talk to me otherwise and I miss you, Rose, I do and I don’t want to get a divorce and I love you and I’ll never stop loving you and we can’t do this because it’s not right-”
“Scorpius, go home.”
“I’m sorry, Rose. I’m sorry I wasn’t always there for you and I know why you think that I don’t love you any more but it’s not it. I do. I do still love you. I love you so much and I can change. I can stop working so many shifts and I can quit my job and we can take a vacation somewhere and we can make this work. We can.”
“I’m sorry, Scorpius, I- I can’t talk to you right now. Go home, yeah?”
“…I will.”
“Goodbye, Scorpius.”
“I love you, Rose.”
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
Subject: Rose’s gone mad; what do I do?
She came to my house last night and cried the whole night. She won’t talk to me, just came to my place, sat down and started crying. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Is she having a mental breakdown? Is she suffering from some kind of incurable disease?!
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: 20 Galleons say no divorce
Scorpius came to my place, absolutely smashed. He was saying all sorts of things, ranging from how much he loves Rose to how much he doesn’t want the divorce. Judging from what happened at your place, I think he might have said the same thing to Rose.
This is good news, Al!
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Last Night
I’m sorry. What I said last night was way out of line. I can’t remember everything I said, but if I made you uncomfortable in any way, I’m terribly sorry. It won’t happen again.
-S
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To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Last Night
Take back everything you said last night.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Last Night
Can’t. Not going to. I meant everything I said. Everything I remember saying, anyway.
-S
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To: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Last Night
You can’t do this to me, Scorpius. It’s not fair. I don’t need to know all of this right after I decided to put everything behind me.
~R
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To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Divorce Papers
I need them now, Opt. I need them now.
~R
________________________________________________________
To: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Divorce Papers
No can do.
Why? Getting cold feet? I have a perfect remedy for that. DON’T GET A DIVORCE.
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
From: Rose Malfoy @ The Daily Prophet
Subject: Divorce Papers
You are the worst lawyer ever. Absolutely horrid. I don’t know how you make money. Actually, I’m not exactly sure you’re not living off the Zabini family fortune. I bet your firm is just a front for you to hook up with divorced women who are emotionally unstable.
I pity your clients.
~R
________________________________________________________
“Scorpius?”
“Yeah?”
“We need to talk.”
________________________________________________________
To: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
Subject: Rose called Scorpius
He literally flew out of my flat. If he’s not back in an hour, either he’s dead or they’re back together.
________________________________________________________
“You have reached Rose Malfoy. I am unable to pick up your phone call right now. Leave a message at the beep!”
“Rose? This is Al; just checking in to make sure that Scorpius is still alive.”
“*BEEP* Rose? You haven’t called me back. It’s been two hours since Scorpius left to see you and all, and I’m worried that he might be dead in a ditch. Or in your basement. Whichever. Call back, yeah?”
“*BEEP* Rose? Al again. Three hours. Scorpius isn’t dead, is he? He still owes me a new broom. And a few Galleons. Will you settle his debt for him since you’re both not technically divorced?”
“*BEEP* Okay. I am officially panicking because really, Rose, I do not want to have to be the person to throw you into Azkaban. Aunt Hermione will sob her eyes out and you know how I feel about sobbing women. So, yeah. Let Scorpius keep his limbs and certain important genitalia, yeah?”
________________________________________________________
“Can I do something first?”
“Really? You’re going to choose this time to make me wait?”
“I promise it won’t take more than two minutes, darling. Cross my heart and hope to die.”
“Two minutes, Malfoy. I’m timing you.”
________________________________________________________
“This is Scorpius Malfoy. If this is urgent, I’m sorry; you’re just going to have to wait. I’ll be busy shagging my wife the whole day. And after that, we’re going to take two weeks off for a second honeymoon.”
“…I’ll just tell Al that you’re not dead in a ditch, then.”
________________________________________________________
To: Optimus Zabini @ Zabini & Associates
CC: Albus Potter @ Auror Division
From: Scorpius Malfoy @ St. Mungo’s
Subject: Divorce
Mr. Zabini,
I’m sorry that we’ve wasted your time, but we’re calling the divorce off.
Many apologies,
Mr. and Mrs. Scorpius Malfoy