FIC: Unplanned [Sirius Black/Lily Evans]
Title: Unplanned
Author/Artist: marc_duork
Prompt: # 1 by rzzmg
Pairing(s): Sirius/Lily
Word Count: 2,365
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): [Click for warnings/spoilers]Unplanned pregnancy. Infidelity
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: Thanks a lot to H for their excellent and efficient beta work, and to the mods at HP_Drizzle for this fest’s existence
Summary: The forces of nature were utterly indifferent to the drama unfolding beneath them, those two insignificant humans sharing inconsequential lives.
***He stood by the window, face turned away from her, his naked body silhouetted against the grey clouds outside, blowing in quickly from the north-east. Lily padded across the floorboards, each one creaking beneath her tiptoes. He shifted slightly, but did not turn around, only stroked the arm that she slid around his midriff with his fingertips. Lily shivered at the goose bumps that rose along her forearm, and pressed her lips between his shoulder blades. For a minute, they stood together, listening to the crackle of the rain against the glass; taking a notice of how it grew heavier, or lighter, with each gust of wind.
“Have you told him?” Sirius’ voice was croaky after the long silence, but it was loud enough all the same.
“No,” Lily muttered.
Lightning flashed somewhere out of window shot; they counted eight hippogriffs before a long roll of thunder sounded in the distance.
“I wasn’t sure if I should,” she drew away from Sirius and stepped beside him to stare at the raindrops racing each other to the bottom of the window pane. “Not until I know…”
As she trailed off, Sirius turned to face her. “It’s not mine,” he whispered, unsure if it was a statement or a plea.
Lily blinked, staring glassy-eyed outside, then slowly shook her head. He turned away again and swallowed. It was loud even against the drum roll of the rain.
“Do you…” to his surprise, his eyes began to prickle, “do you wish it were?”
Lily turned sharply, frowning up at him, mouth slightly open in shock. “What kind of question is that?”
Sirius shrugged at the clouds. “How would you like me to answer, Sirius?” At his silence, she turned from him and crossed the creaking floor to the fireplace.
The flames had been left to burn to smouldering embers in the hours since they had made love together in the rickety bed they’d shared for several months; and Sirius had held her tightly and kissed her forehead as she sobbed and sobbed when she told him she was pregnant. So Lily laid a dry log on the bed of ash and coal, and struck up fresh flames with Sirius’ wand. She felt the creeping chill leave the air instantly, even though the next thunderclap was only five hippogriffs after lightning had lit up the room.
“What are we going to do, then?” Sirius asked, turning away from the window at last and joining her in front of the fire.
“What do you mean ‘we’?” she replied tersely.
He took a deep breath, “I mean, when are you going to tell him?”
“I wasn’t going to. He doesn’t have to find out.”
Sirius frowned, but reached out to stroke her arm, leaning in closer to her. “I think it’ll be fairly difficult to hide in a few months.”
Lily said nothing, only stared blankly into the dancing flames. Sirius’ eyes widened a little and his fingers stopped caressing her pale arm. “You weren’t going to keep it,” he said.
“What, and you think I should?”
“Yes,” he answered too quickly.
“No, Sirius. I’m not ready to look after another human being,” Sirius reached back towards her but she flinched away, hugging her knees to her chest, “It couldn't be worse timing; we’re soldiers in a war. I can’t just up and leave to start popping out babies.”
“You’re not just a soldier, Lily, you’re a person, with plans and a future -”
“- Which shouldn't have babies in it until I'm at least in my twenties! And right now, there are more important things to think about. If I want to have children, I want them to be able to live in a world that doesn’t have a shadow of death and hate hanging all over it.”
As though the heavens were listening, the room grew darker as the sky outside the window blackened with the heavy storm clouds, throwing torrents of rain upon the roof in earnest. Two hippogriffs. If not for the firelight, Lily would not have seen the look of pain on Sirius’ face.
“Lily, you know that you’re not the only person responsible for the fate of the world, don’t you? The job wasn’t given to you alone.”
“I know, but what kind of person would I be if I abandoned the fight for -”
“- You’d be every other normal person on the planet who has more to their lives than espionage and duelling! You can’t feel guilty for that.”
Lily let out growl of frustration, and stood up to pace the room, fists clenched. “Sirius, this isn’t a discussion, it’s not your decision. I don’t want this baby.”
Sirius stood too, watching her storm about the room, his back to the hearth. “I think you do, Lily,” his voice was soft, careful, “that’s why you told me about it, isn’t it? You could’ve done it without telling anyone, but you needed me to tell you that you want it, because you can’t risk a decision like this on your own.”
Lily stopped pacing. She hadn’t planned it, but it was true. Sirius was the soul in their relationship, he led with his heart where she could only analyse. It was the reason she was drawn to him when James couldn’t satisfy. When they were together, he made her laugh like James hadn’t in years; he looked at her with respect, not blind adoration; he could talk her into action where James would seek to protect. When they made love, she felt the way she imagined James must when he touched her, held her, pleased her. Sirius could give her what she needed, and here, in this case, it was the answer that she couldn’t give herself.
“I know it means we’d be… done with… this,” he said, his straining voice schooled into calmness, eyes screwed shut, “But you know that… that J-James will support you,” Sirius continued, “he’ll be ecstatic, frankly.”
“I can’t stay with James, I don’t love him.”
“Huh?” Sirius frowned.
She sighed, “These last four months I’ve been with you have been the best of my life, and that’s saying a lot given the circumstances of our lives. You can’t honestly think I still loved him whilst having a passionate affair with his best friend behind his back?”
Sirius shrugged, non-committal, but Lily could see him swelling with relief and joy. “You don’t have to stay with him…”
She began to pace again, every muscle tight with anger and confusion and fear. He couldn’t understand what this meant; she felt so stupid for thinking he’d know. Lightning lit the room again, thunder cracking so loudly they cringed. She wished the roof would blow off, and the pummelling rain would drown him, and the lightning would just strike her where she stood so all of this was just over.
“I can’t raise a child on my own, Sirius, I’d be a pariah. My parents would hate me; Joe Bloggs on the street would whisper; all my friends were his friends first… we wouldn’t be safe,” she said, gesturing violently with her hands, “And I can’t tell James because he’ll want to marry me and be a father and protect me. Even if I leave him, he’ll know there’s his child out there somewhere and he won’t leave it at that, you know him.”
“In any case, you have me. I'll take care of you and the baby, no matter what. I’d…I’d protect you from James if need be,” his voice was steady but his eye twitched at that, “Besides, would it be so bad to have him looking after you? I mean he has the money, he’s a strong fighter… you’d always have me too…” the tension in his face was so tight she thought he might burst into tears.
She looked away from him, deflated, and walked to stand by the darkened window, goose bumps on her bare skin visible even in the shadows. The heat from the merry fire could not reach her over there. “I can’t stay with him, Sirius,” she muttered, barely audible over the pounding of the rain, “I can’t raise a child I didn’t ask for in the middle of a war with a man I don’t love. You can’t ask me to.”
“I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t,” Sirius said. He practically ran to her side and pulled her around to face him, holding her close to his body. She could feel his heart thumping erratic against her cheek, and when he spoke again, his voice was thick with emotion.
“I’d ask you to raise a child with me.”
She pulled away from his chest to look at him; he wasn’t smiling, his eyes were wide and damp, he was serious. “What?” it was Lily’s turn to frown.
“Let’s run away. Leave the country, leave this war, start a new life, raise your baby - ”
“Are you insane?”
“Only slightly,” he half smiled, “but Lily, I don't want you to have to do this alone. We can just go, we'll go to America or somewhere... you always said you wanted to visit. I have the money, you know I do - ”
“Sirius, it's not about money - ”
“ - I can prote- well I mean, I know you don't need protecting and can take care of yourself, but I can be there for you and look out for the baby and love you - ” he paused in his ramblings, staring with a frightening intensity into Lily's incredulous face. When he lifted his hands to stroke her shivering arms she didn't resist. “Lily... I love you and I'll love that baby. I don't care that it's not mine; I'll raise it like my own, I'll love it like I love you. If you want me to...”
For a long, long moment there was no sound but the howling of the wind through the cracks in the window frame and the hummingbird drumbeat of the rain on the roof.
Lily knew it was a terrible idea, but the part of her brain that was screaming this was being dampened by the larger part of her that wanted nothing more in all the world than to be with Sirius and leave this awful war behind; to shake off the deadening weight of responsibility and be happy for the first time in what felt like years. It was all she had wanted since she stepped off the Hogwarts Express for the last time, not even two years ago. The thing in her belly didn't change that. If he had asked her to run away a week ago, she thought, she might have done it. It was really only a matter of time before she would have packed a bag in the night and run, with Sirius at her side or not. Now though, it wasn't a pipe dream, it wasn't hypothetical. Sirius had asked her to leave, and she had another life to consider.
He meant every word of it, she knew. He was so in love with her that he wanted to raise her child. She wondered if he knew that she actually had no idea which one of them was the father, he would say the same thing? Would he be as willing to shoulder responsibility for her predicament if he knew he might be part of the cause? He could be there for Lily and he could pick up the pieces of the mess James put her in, but if it were his child, could he own up to fixing this with the same enthusiasm? She looked up at him, almost certain that it was better he didn't know, but the second their eyes met, she knew that she was wrong; he would be this baby's father in a heartbeat.
“Okay...” she whispered as the wind howled over her.
“W-What?”
“Okay,” she repeated, hardly daring to believe the words herself, “let's do it. We'll run away.”
Even the rain seemed to ease up as she spoke. Slowly, Sirius nodded, his expression hardening into one of determination, and he held her close to him until the rain stopped falling and the sky turned from grey to black…
***Wednesday came around sooner than expected. She'd had a bag packed since they had discussed leaving, tucked at the back of her wardrobe. She'd expected to have doubts and second thoughts, of course, but she hadn't expected to truly change her mind.
And she certainly hadn't expected James to propose to her.
It was the war that had kept them apart. They hadn't been in love since Hogwarts - or so she had thought; their lack of affection had made it easy to decide to leave. Perhaps she didn't love James, but James loved her; and he would love her child. Even if it was born with grey eyes instead of hazel, he'd still love it, and he'd always love her.
Sirius had passion. He was fun, and easy, and brave, and tenacious. But he wasn't an adult. He wasn't careful, or kind, or mature. He wouldn't marry her and it would only be a matter of time before a baby started to cramp his style. He probably knew that James planned to propose, yet he had still asked her to run away from everything she knew with no long term plan. And she'd agreed! If either of them could do it once... That wasn't a kind of recklessness you could build a life upon. It wasn't going to put a roof over a baby's head.
***Sirius waited the whole night in the old cottage, stood at the window and watching the heavy black clouds gather by the moonlight, his bag by the door. At dawn on Thursday, he put out the smouldering fire for what he knew was the last time.
By midday, he was hugging and laughing with an elated James Potter in his kitchen, congratulating him on the two pieces of wonderful news.
Author/Artist: marc_duork
Prompt: # 1 by rzzmg
Pairing(s): Sirius/Lily
Word Count: 2,365
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): [Click for warnings/spoilers]Unplanned pregnancy. Infidelity
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: Thanks a lot to H for their excellent and efficient beta work, and to the mods at HP_Drizzle for this fest’s existence
Summary: The forces of nature were utterly indifferent to the drama unfolding beneath them, those two insignificant humans sharing inconsequential lives.
***He stood by the window, face turned away from her, his naked body silhouetted against the grey clouds outside, blowing in quickly from the north-east. Lily padded across the floorboards, each one creaking beneath her tiptoes. He shifted slightly, but did not turn around, only stroked the arm that she slid around his midriff with his fingertips. Lily shivered at the goose bumps that rose along her forearm, and pressed her lips between his shoulder blades. For a minute, they stood together, listening to the crackle of the rain against the glass; taking a notice of how it grew heavier, or lighter, with each gust of wind.
“Have you told him?” Sirius’ voice was croaky after the long silence, but it was loud enough all the same.
“No,” Lily muttered.
Lightning flashed somewhere out of window shot; they counted eight hippogriffs before a long roll of thunder sounded in the distance.
“I wasn’t sure if I should,” she drew away from Sirius and stepped beside him to stare at the raindrops racing each other to the bottom of the window pane. “Not until I know…”
As she trailed off, Sirius turned to face her. “It’s not mine,” he whispered, unsure if it was a statement or a plea.
Lily blinked, staring glassy-eyed outside, then slowly shook her head. He turned away again and swallowed. It was loud even against the drum roll of the rain.
“Do you…” to his surprise, his eyes began to prickle, “do you wish it were?”
Lily turned sharply, frowning up at him, mouth slightly open in shock. “What kind of question is that?”
Sirius shrugged at the clouds. “How would you like me to answer, Sirius?” At his silence, she turned from him and crossed the creaking floor to the fireplace.
The flames had been left to burn to smouldering embers in the hours since they had made love together in the rickety bed they’d shared for several months; and Sirius had held her tightly and kissed her forehead as she sobbed and sobbed when she told him she was pregnant. So Lily laid a dry log on the bed of ash and coal, and struck up fresh flames with Sirius’ wand. She felt the creeping chill leave the air instantly, even though the next thunderclap was only five hippogriffs after lightning had lit up the room.
“What are we going to do, then?” Sirius asked, turning away from the window at last and joining her in front of the fire.
“What do you mean ‘we’?” she replied tersely.
He took a deep breath, “I mean, when are you going to tell him?”
“I wasn’t going to. He doesn’t have to find out.”
Sirius frowned, but reached out to stroke her arm, leaning in closer to her. “I think it’ll be fairly difficult to hide in a few months.”
Lily said nothing, only stared blankly into the dancing flames. Sirius’ eyes widened a little and his fingers stopped caressing her pale arm. “You weren’t going to keep it,” he said.
“What, and you think I should?”
“Yes,” he answered too quickly.
“No, Sirius. I’m not ready to look after another human being,” Sirius reached back towards her but she flinched away, hugging her knees to her chest, “It couldn't be worse timing; we’re soldiers in a war. I can’t just up and leave to start popping out babies.”
“You’re not just a soldier, Lily, you’re a person, with plans and a future -”
“- Which shouldn't have babies in it until I'm at least in my twenties! And right now, there are more important things to think about. If I want to have children, I want them to be able to live in a world that doesn’t have a shadow of death and hate hanging all over it.”
As though the heavens were listening, the room grew darker as the sky outside the window blackened with the heavy storm clouds, throwing torrents of rain upon the roof in earnest. Two hippogriffs. If not for the firelight, Lily would not have seen the look of pain on Sirius’ face.
“Lily, you know that you’re not the only person responsible for the fate of the world, don’t you? The job wasn’t given to you alone.”
“I know, but what kind of person would I be if I abandoned the fight for -”
“- You’d be every other normal person on the planet who has more to their lives than espionage and duelling! You can’t feel guilty for that.”
Lily let out growl of frustration, and stood up to pace the room, fists clenched. “Sirius, this isn’t a discussion, it’s not your decision. I don’t want this baby.”
Sirius stood too, watching her storm about the room, his back to the hearth. “I think you do, Lily,” his voice was soft, careful, “that’s why you told me about it, isn’t it? You could’ve done it without telling anyone, but you needed me to tell you that you want it, because you can’t risk a decision like this on your own.”
Lily stopped pacing. She hadn’t planned it, but it was true. Sirius was the soul in their relationship, he led with his heart where she could only analyse. It was the reason she was drawn to him when James couldn’t satisfy. When they were together, he made her laugh like James hadn’t in years; he looked at her with respect, not blind adoration; he could talk her into action where James would seek to protect. When they made love, she felt the way she imagined James must when he touched her, held her, pleased her. Sirius could give her what she needed, and here, in this case, it was the answer that she couldn’t give herself.
“I know it means we’d be… done with… this,” he said, his straining voice schooled into calmness, eyes screwed shut, “But you know that… that J-James will support you,” Sirius continued, “he’ll be ecstatic, frankly.”
“I can’t stay with James, I don’t love him.”
“Huh?” Sirius frowned.
She sighed, “These last four months I’ve been with you have been the best of my life, and that’s saying a lot given the circumstances of our lives. You can’t honestly think I still loved him whilst having a passionate affair with his best friend behind his back?”
Sirius shrugged, non-committal, but Lily could see him swelling with relief and joy. “You don’t have to stay with him…”
She began to pace again, every muscle tight with anger and confusion and fear. He couldn’t understand what this meant; she felt so stupid for thinking he’d know. Lightning lit the room again, thunder cracking so loudly they cringed. She wished the roof would blow off, and the pummelling rain would drown him, and the lightning would just strike her where she stood so all of this was just over.
“I can’t raise a child on my own, Sirius, I’d be a pariah. My parents would hate me; Joe Bloggs on the street would whisper; all my friends were his friends first… we wouldn’t be safe,” she said, gesturing violently with her hands, “And I can’t tell James because he’ll want to marry me and be a father and protect me. Even if I leave him, he’ll know there’s his child out there somewhere and he won’t leave it at that, you know him.”
“In any case, you have me. I'll take care of you and the baby, no matter what. I’d…I’d protect you from James if need be,” his voice was steady but his eye twitched at that, “Besides, would it be so bad to have him looking after you? I mean he has the money, he’s a strong fighter… you’d always have me too…” the tension in his face was so tight she thought he might burst into tears.
She looked away from him, deflated, and walked to stand by the darkened window, goose bumps on her bare skin visible even in the shadows. The heat from the merry fire could not reach her over there. “I can’t stay with him, Sirius,” she muttered, barely audible over the pounding of the rain, “I can’t raise a child I didn’t ask for in the middle of a war with a man I don’t love. You can’t ask me to.”
“I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t,” Sirius said. He practically ran to her side and pulled her around to face him, holding her close to his body. She could feel his heart thumping erratic against her cheek, and when he spoke again, his voice was thick with emotion.
“I’d ask you to raise a child with me.”
She pulled away from his chest to look at him; he wasn’t smiling, his eyes were wide and damp, he was serious. “What?” it was Lily’s turn to frown.
“Let’s run away. Leave the country, leave this war, start a new life, raise your baby - ”
“Are you insane?”
“Only slightly,” he half smiled, “but Lily, I don't want you to have to do this alone. We can just go, we'll go to America or somewhere... you always said you wanted to visit. I have the money, you know I do - ”
“Sirius, it's not about money - ”
“ - I can prote- well I mean, I know you don't need protecting and can take care of yourself, but I can be there for you and look out for the baby and love you - ” he paused in his ramblings, staring with a frightening intensity into Lily's incredulous face. When he lifted his hands to stroke her shivering arms she didn't resist. “Lily... I love you and I'll love that baby. I don't care that it's not mine; I'll raise it like my own, I'll love it like I love you. If you want me to...”
For a long, long moment there was no sound but the howling of the wind through the cracks in the window frame and the hummingbird drumbeat of the rain on the roof.
Lily knew it was a terrible idea, but the part of her brain that was screaming this was being dampened by the larger part of her that wanted nothing more in all the world than to be with Sirius and leave this awful war behind; to shake off the deadening weight of responsibility and be happy for the first time in what felt like years. It was all she had wanted since she stepped off the Hogwarts Express for the last time, not even two years ago. The thing in her belly didn't change that. If he had asked her to run away a week ago, she thought, she might have done it. It was really only a matter of time before she would have packed a bag in the night and run, with Sirius at her side or not. Now though, it wasn't a pipe dream, it wasn't hypothetical. Sirius had asked her to leave, and she had another life to consider.
He meant every word of it, she knew. He was so in love with her that he wanted to raise her child. She wondered if he knew that she actually had no idea which one of them was the father, he would say the same thing? Would he be as willing to shoulder responsibility for her predicament if he knew he might be part of the cause? He could be there for Lily and he could pick up the pieces of the mess James put her in, but if it were his child, could he own up to fixing this with the same enthusiasm? She looked up at him, almost certain that it was better he didn't know, but the second their eyes met, she knew that she was wrong; he would be this baby's father in a heartbeat.
“Okay...” she whispered as the wind howled over her.
“W-What?”
“Okay,” she repeated, hardly daring to believe the words herself, “let's do it. We'll run away.”
Even the rain seemed to ease up as she spoke. Slowly, Sirius nodded, his expression hardening into one of determination, and he held her close to him until the rain stopped falling and the sky turned from grey to black…
***Wednesday came around sooner than expected. She'd had a bag packed since they had discussed leaving, tucked at the back of her wardrobe. She'd expected to have doubts and second thoughts, of course, but she hadn't expected to truly change her mind.
And she certainly hadn't expected James to propose to her.
It was the war that had kept them apart. They hadn't been in love since Hogwarts - or so she had thought; their lack of affection had made it easy to decide to leave. Perhaps she didn't love James, but James loved her; and he would love her child. Even if it was born with grey eyes instead of hazel, he'd still love it, and he'd always love her.
Sirius had passion. He was fun, and easy, and brave, and tenacious. But he wasn't an adult. He wasn't careful, or kind, or mature. He wouldn't marry her and it would only be a matter of time before a baby started to cramp his style. He probably knew that James planned to propose, yet he had still asked her to run away from everything she knew with no long term plan. And she'd agreed! If either of them could do it once... That wasn't a kind of recklessness you could build a life upon. It wasn't going to put a roof over a baby's head.
***Sirius waited the whole night in the old cottage, stood at the window and watching the heavy black clouds gather by the moonlight, his bag by the door. At dawn on Thursday, he put out the smouldering fire for what he knew was the last time.
By midday, he was hugging and laughing with an elated James Potter in his kitchen, congratulating him on the two pieces of wonderful news.