FIC: The Electronic Girlfriend Factor, 3/3
Title: The Electronic Girlfriend Factor, 3/3
Author: nice_girls_play
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Characters/Pairing: Bernadette/Howard, Howard/Raj, Penny POV
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I didn't lay a hand on them, officer, I swear. Not even Prince.
Summary: Someone finds a femslash photo on Howard's photobucket That's only the beginning.
--
Penny keeps the file open on her laptop.
She scrolls through the chat log several times, occasionally picking out words like 'tonguing' and 'moaning' and 'Batarang-shaped-vibrator' before covering her eyes or slamming the lid shut. Knowing she shouldn't but it's like a very strange slow moving train wreck, or the first time she peeked inside her mother's dresser and discovered a collection of dog-eared Silhoutte paperbacks under a stack of plain cotton Fruit of the Loom underwear. Compelling and thought-provoking and very, very wrong.
She lingers on the words inside parentheses, the little asides where they break character:
the_catwoman_1: (Why is it always leather on her uniform? That stuff starts to chafe after a while.)
TAFKA_oracle: (she might have some more vents tucked away in other places)
the_catwoman_1: (Those aren't as easy to conceal as you think.)
TAKFA_oracle: (whoa, selina likes to top from the bottom, huh?)
TAFKA_oracle: (nice bit of sentiment from her here)
the_catwoman_1: (She's missed her friend.)
Her eyes linger on the two of them when they're together in a group, watching the twelfth episode of Carl Sagan's "epic documentary experience" Cosmos while Sheldon and Leonard tinker with the old Nintendo console which has -- "disastrously..!", to quote Sheldon -- stalled on vintage video game night.
They're sitting close together, as usual, Bernie and Howard shunted to one sideof the couch by Sheldon's need for space, Raj sitting on the floor near Howard's Vans shoes. When the alien abduction dramatization comes on, Howard covers both Raj and Bernie's eyes -- because it's a "scary part" (though truly, he's the only one who looks the least bit rattled). Raj's smile and Bernie's stiff shoulders. It's like watching a dueling tightrope act.
Penny continues eating her mooshoo pork and tries not to think about who's going to slip first.
--
To her surprise, the first one to fall is Howard.
The scratch on her ankle is almost healed (it looks, disturbingly, like Heath Ledger's Joker smile, smirking up at her in the shower) when she gets a callback for the Carnation formula commercial. The director knows her as the "Sittin' Pretty" girl and the young AD who sets up her camera test decides it's her new name. She smiles through it and even manages not to wince when said AD kisses her cheek and the baby she's holding spits up on her shirt.
Howard is sitting at the bottom of the stairwell when she gets home.
He looks like a six-year-old boy. More crumpled against the bottom stair than sitting, fingers running through his hair over and over again.
"Hey."
When he looks up at her, she's reminded of him alone in his bedroom a few years ago, telling her he was fine in the taut echo of someone fighting to control their breathing.
She's known small men who stand tall and big men who feel like little men inside, so they bully others to make themselves feel even bigger (her father stood outside both categories neatly and without comment, her brother not so much). Kurt may have been built like a fireplug, but he was like glass. Tap him hard enough in the right spot and he shattered.
Howard stands tall all the time and it takes a lot more than tapping to find his vulnerable points, but she knows that when he cracks, it's hard to put him back together.
He opens his mouth once, then a second time, all of his breath fleeing in a final ragged sigh when no vocalization emerges.
She nods once, setting her purse on the step next to him. "Halo night?"
He nods. She reaches for his arm, pulling him up to stand.
"Go. Go talk to her. I'll play for you."
He blinks wetly at her -- a confounding bit of erratic morse code that might translate to a "thank you" or "why are you being nice to me?" or maybe (if he has any self-awareness at all) even "how much do you know?"
Either way, he doesn't stick around for her answer.
None of the others seem disturbed by her announcement that she's pinch-hitting, apart from Sheldon whose objections last as long as it can take him to grab the controller to prevent her from blasting the hell out of him a second time.
--
The text from Bernadette comes the next day when she's about to go on break.
'The wedding's off.' -- B.
She thumbs open her contacts list. Bernadette answers after two rings.
"Where are you?"
"I'm outside in the parking lot."
Penny grabs a day-old raspberry cheesecake from the kitchen on her way out.
They sit on a bench in the park nearby, eating and watching kids walk by with their parents, sweethearts holding hands, musclehead guys on roller blades. Bernie rests her head on Penny's shoulder and Penny squeezes her arm.
"You're going to be fine, sweetie."
"I know, " she says, with all the certainty befitting a gifted microbiologist in a voice that is raw and thready and spent with tears.
"Want me to spit in his cheeseburger every week for the next six months?"
Hearing her friend laugh out loud is well worth the masticated raspberry and cream cheese frosting that ends up smeared across her uniform vest.
--
Stuart's hosting another costume party at the shop. This time it's a charity event for the local artists guild, which hosts, among other things, a Fantasy and Superhero drawing group.
It's a Marvel vs. DC party. There's no contest, no prizes to be won. And the catch is everyone who RSVP's "yes" to the event has to pick their comic publisher out of a bowl (to keep the ratios even). Leonard and Howard pick DC. Penny, Amy, Raj and Sheldon all pick Marvel.
"DIBS ON MAGNETO!" Sheldon cries out, triumphantly.
"Damn it!" Raj curses silently, because while talking in front of Penny is fine now, talking in front of Amy is still out of the question.
They discuss possible costumes for her and Amy over creamy tomato soup and sandwiches from Soup Plantation.The boys make a case for Penny as Mystique, which she immediately rules out.
"I'm not standing naked in a tub for three hours while Howard paints me blue. Not happening."
Howard, who has a mouthful of chocolate ice cream, makes cartoonish "sadface" eyes and mimes a single tear rolling down his cheek. Raj swats his elbow. Leonard mentions Emma Frost, which Sheldon tries to rule out.
"Oh come on! Emma's blonde -- she wouldn't even have to wear a wig. What's the problem?"
"Because, Leonard, Emma Frost is an intelligent, precise strategist with an IQ that nearly rivals Beast, culture to match Magneto and multiple degrees in both counseling and criminal enterprise."
Penny starts tapping her spoon against the plate at 'multiple degrees.' Amy, apparently interpreting this as a sign that she's still hungry, passes her a dish of spring peas.
"Not to mention," Sheldon continues, "she also has the taste to date equally intelligent or useful men such as Tony Stark, Namor, Sebastian Shaw and Scott Summers. Penny, you dated Leonard."
She finds an adult Emma costume and some silver gogo boots on eBay the next day and can't hit the 'Buy It Now' button fast enough.
--
By the time the night of the party rolls around, Sheldon has decided Magneto's comic book outfit is "too red" and "too reminiscent of his Flash outfit." Plus red makes him look blotchy (Leonard looks at Penny, who holds her hands up to show their pristine cleanliness). In its place, he's sewn a near-exact replica of Michael Fassbender's yellow and black outfit from First Class, topped off with a lightweight handcrafted replica of the helmet from a clearly gifted craft-seller Etsy.
In keeping with the X-men theme, Amy chooses to attend the party as Moira McTaggert, who as either a geneticist or a covert CIA agent, she insists would wear ordinary clothes to avoid detection.
"I can do a Scottish brogue for you if you want," she says.
"Please don't," Leonard says, adjusting the tie on his cape (the boots HAVE made him taller). Penny hugs her. Sheldon very nearly pats her shoulder and instead, passes her a replica of Moira's CIA badge which she secrets in the front pocket of her hoodie.
"Superman doesn't wear glasses, Leonard."
"Clark Kent does."
"Not with his Superman uniform on he doesn't."
Half an hour later, Howard and Raj appear at the front door. Penny glimpses a flash of two leather bodices in her peripheral vision while Amy helps her straighten her own midriff.
"Holy gender swap, Batman." If Leonard is droll in the face of his friends' costumes, Sheldon is apoplectic.
"Raj, you cheat! You picked 'Marvel' out of the bowl! You can't come as Catwoman!"
A claw-gloved hand cupped around his ear, Howard drops a defiant "Oops" that is only shaking a little underneath the bravado.
Seeing Raj in a female costume is nothing new for any of them (they'd all watched Sheldon mend some torn seams in his Lt. Uhura costume when Raj's own sewing machine broke). But Penny's only ever seen Howard in a girl costume in an 8" x 10" frame on the wall of Stuart's shop. It's a different Batgirl costume this time -- full body suit and heeled boots, new shorter wig with no telltale flyaway of acrylic fibers, no skirt but darts for a bodice that fit just closely enough to accentuate the padded bra he's wearing underneath it.
Raj looks confident, almost swaggering under the leather and make-up but Howard's lips are almost white underneath the mask and his shoulders are twitching below the ramrod stiff posture he's attempting.
Penny gets it. Amy gets it, if the soft hand reaching for her wrist underneath a belled sleeve is any indication. Leonard and Sheldon are, thankfully, too busy arguing to get it.
"Technically Catwoman fought Elektra in the '96 DC vs. Marvel series."
"That was a crossover! Crossovers don't count!"
Penny squeezes Amy's fingers and moves toward the two black-clad rivals.
"Well, I think you both look great. And Howard, you are going to have so many drunk guys grabbing your boobs tonight!" She emphasises her point by patting the shorter man's cheek before angling for the door knob. "Sheldon, stop whining. We're going to be late!"
They're half a block away from the comic book store when Amy turns to Howard and Raj, who are lagging behind them.
"I hope you have fun. And don't worry. I'm told anxiety on a first date is perfectly natural. You were wise to choose an outing that included four chaperones. "
The funny noise that emanates from Raj's throat is almost verbal and Penny mentally scores another point for his ongoing progress (she also notes the way Howard grabs Raj's hand immediately and scores a point for his).
Penny links her fingers with Amy's and increases her pace half a step, maintaining the barrier between them and the too-short Superman and too-Texan Magneto leading them to the front door. The familiar synth notes of Prince's "Bat Dance" greet them as they cross the threshold inside.
"Did I say the wrong thing?" Amy asks.
"No, sweetie. Just the wrong time. Never mind, it's a party!"
--
Author: nice_girls_play
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Characters/Pairing: Bernadette/Howard, Howard/Raj, Penny POV
Disclaimer: They're not mine. I didn't lay a hand on them, officer, I swear. Not even Prince.
Summary: Someone finds a femslash photo on Howard's photobucket That's only the beginning.
--
Penny keeps the file open on her laptop.
She scrolls through the chat log several times, occasionally picking out words like 'tonguing' and 'moaning' and 'Batarang-shaped-vibrator' before covering her eyes or slamming the lid shut. Knowing she shouldn't but it's like a very strange slow moving train wreck, or the first time she peeked inside her mother's dresser and discovered a collection of dog-eared Silhoutte paperbacks under a stack of plain cotton Fruit of the Loom underwear. Compelling and thought-provoking and very, very wrong.
She lingers on the words inside parentheses, the little asides where they break character:
the_catwoman_1: (Why is it always leather on her uniform? That stuff starts to chafe after a while.)
TAFKA_oracle: (she might have some more vents tucked away in other places)
the_catwoman_1: (Those aren't as easy to conceal as you think.)
TAKFA_oracle: (whoa, selina likes to top from the bottom, huh?)
TAFKA_oracle: (nice bit of sentiment from her here)
the_catwoman_1: (She's missed her friend.)
Her eyes linger on the two of them when they're together in a group, watching the twelfth episode of Carl Sagan's "epic documentary experience" Cosmos while Sheldon and Leonard tinker with the old Nintendo console which has -- "disastrously..!", to quote Sheldon -- stalled on vintage video game night.
They're sitting close together, as usual, Bernie and Howard shunted to one sideof the couch by Sheldon's need for space, Raj sitting on the floor near Howard's Vans shoes. When the alien abduction dramatization comes on, Howard covers both Raj and Bernie's eyes -- because it's a "scary part" (though truly, he's the only one who looks the least bit rattled). Raj's smile and Bernie's stiff shoulders. It's like watching a dueling tightrope act.
Penny continues eating her mooshoo pork and tries not to think about who's going to slip first.
--
To her surprise, the first one to fall is Howard.
The scratch on her ankle is almost healed (it looks, disturbingly, like Heath Ledger's Joker smile, smirking up at her in the shower) when she gets a callback for the Carnation formula commercial. The director knows her as the "Sittin' Pretty" girl and the young AD who sets up her camera test decides it's her new name. She smiles through it and even manages not to wince when said AD kisses her cheek and the baby she's holding spits up on her shirt.
Howard is sitting at the bottom of the stairwell when she gets home.
He looks like a six-year-old boy. More crumpled against the bottom stair than sitting, fingers running through his hair over and over again.
"Hey."
When he looks up at her, she's reminded of him alone in his bedroom a few years ago, telling her he was fine in the taut echo of someone fighting to control their breathing.
She's known small men who stand tall and big men who feel like little men inside, so they bully others to make themselves feel even bigger (her father stood outside both categories neatly and without comment, her brother not so much). Kurt may have been built like a fireplug, but he was like glass. Tap him hard enough in the right spot and he shattered.
Howard stands tall all the time and it takes a lot more than tapping to find his vulnerable points, but she knows that when he cracks, it's hard to put him back together.
He opens his mouth once, then a second time, all of his breath fleeing in a final ragged sigh when no vocalization emerges.
She nods once, setting her purse on the step next to him. "Halo night?"
He nods. She reaches for his arm, pulling him up to stand.
"Go. Go talk to her. I'll play for you."
He blinks wetly at her -- a confounding bit of erratic morse code that might translate to a "thank you" or "why are you being nice to me?" or maybe (if he has any self-awareness at all) even "how much do you know?"
Either way, he doesn't stick around for her answer.
None of the others seem disturbed by her announcement that she's pinch-hitting, apart from Sheldon whose objections last as long as it can take him to grab the controller to prevent her from blasting the hell out of him a second time.
--
The text from Bernadette comes the next day when she's about to go on break.
'The wedding's off.' -- B.
She thumbs open her contacts list. Bernadette answers after two rings.
"Where are you?"
"I'm outside in the parking lot."
Penny grabs a day-old raspberry cheesecake from the kitchen on her way out.
They sit on a bench in the park nearby, eating and watching kids walk by with their parents, sweethearts holding hands, musclehead guys on roller blades. Bernie rests her head on Penny's shoulder and Penny squeezes her arm.
"You're going to be fine, sweetie."
"I know, " she says, with all the certainty befitting a gifted microbiologist in a voice that is raw and thready and spent with tears.
"Want me to spit in his cheeseburger every week for the next six months?"
Hearing her friend laugh out loud is well worth the masticated raspberry and cream cheese frosting that ends up smeared across her uniform vest.
--
Stuart's hosting another costume party at the shop. This time it's a charity event for the local artists guild, which hosts, among other things, a Fantasy and Superhero drawing group.
It's a Marvel vs. DC party. There's no contest, no prizes to be won. And the catch is everyone who RSVP's "yes" to the event has to pick their comic publisher out of a bowl (to keep the ratios even). Leonard and Howard pick DC. Penny, Amy, Raj and Sheldon all pick Marvel.
"DIBS ON MAGNETO!" Sheldon cries out, triumphantly.
"Damn it!" Raj curses silently, because while talking in front of Penny is fine now, talking in front of Amy is still out of the question.
They discuss possible costumes for her and Amy over creamy tomato soup and sandwiches from Soup Plantation.The boys make a case for Penny as Mystique, which she immediately rules out.
"I'm not standing naked in a tub for three hours while Howard paints me blue. Not happening."
Howard, who has a mouthful of chocolate ice cream, makes cartoonish "sadface" eyes and mimes a single tear rolling down his cheek. Raj swats his elbow. Leonard mentions Emma Frost, which Sheldon tries to rule out.
"Oh come on! Emma's blonde -- she wouldn't even have to wear a wig. What's the problem?"
"Because, Leonard, Emma Frost is an intelligent, precise strategist with an IQ that nearly rivals Beast, culture to match Magneto and multiple degrees in both counseling and criminal enterprise."
Penny starts tapping her spoon against the plate at 'multiple degrees.' Amy, apparently interpreting this as a sign that she's still hungry, passes her a dish of spring peas.
"Not to mention," Sheldon continues, "she also has the taste to date equally intelligent or useful men such as Tony Stark, Namor, Sebastian Shaw and Scott Summers. Penny, you dated Leonard."
She finds an adult Emma costume and some silver gogo boots on eBay the next day and can't hit the 'Buy It Now' button fast enough.
--
By the time the night of the party rolls around, Sheldon has decided Magneto's comic book outfit is "too red" and "too reminiscent of his Flash outfit." Plus red makes him look blotchy (Leonard looks at Penny, who holds her hands up to show their pristine cleanliness). In its place, he's sewn a near-exact replica of Michael Fassbender's yellow and black outfit from First Class, topped off with a lightweight handcrafted replica of the helmet from a clearly gifted craft-seller Etsy.
In keeping with the X-men theme, Amy chooses to attend the party as Moira McTaggert, who as either a geneticist or a covert CIA agent, she insists would wear ordinary clothes to avoid detection.
"I can do a Scottish brogue for you if you want," she says.
"Please don't," Leonard says, adjusting the tie on his cape (the boots HAVE made him taller). Penny hugs her. Sheldon very nearly pats her shoulder and instead, passes her a replica of Moira's CIA badge which she secrets in the front pocket of her hoodie.
"Superman doesn't wear glasses, Leonard."
"Clark Kent does."
"Not with his Superman uniform on he doesn't."
Half an hour later, Howard and Raj appear at the front door. Penny glimpses a flash of two leather bodices in her peripheral vision while Amy helps her straighten her own midriff.
"Holy gender swap, Batman." If Leonard is droll in the face of his friends' costumes, Sheldon is apoplectic.
"Raj, you cheat! You picked 'Marvel' out of the bowl! You can't come as Catwoman!"
A claw-gloved hand cupped around his ear, Howard drops a defiant "Oops" that is only shaking a little underneath the bravado.
Seeing Raj in a female costume is nothing new for any of them (they'd all watched Sheldon mend some torn seams in his Lt. Uhura costume when Raj's own sewing machine broke). But Penny's only ever seen Howard in a girl costume in an 8" x 10" frame on the wall of Stuart's shop. It's a different Batgirl costume this time -- full body suit and heeled boots, new shorter wig with no telltale flyaway of acrylic fibers, no skirt but darts for a bodice that fit just closely enough to accentuate the padded bra he's wearing underneath it.
Raj looks confident, almost swaggering under the leather and make-up but Howard's lips are almost white underneath the mask and his shoulders are twitching below the ramrod stiff posture he's attempting.
Penny gets it. Amy gets it, if the soft hand reaching for her wrist underneath a belled sleeve is any indication. Leonard and Sheldon are, thankfully, too busy arguing to get it.
"Technically Catwoman fought Elektra in the '96 DC vs. Marvel series."
"That was a crossover! Crossovers don't count!"
Penny squeezes Amy's fingers and moves toward the two black-clad rivals.
"Well, I think you both look great. And Howard, you are going to have so many drunk guys grabbing your boobs tonight!" She emphasises her point by patting the shorter man's cheek before angling for the door knob. "Sheldon, stop whining. We're going to be late!"
They're half a block away from the comic book store when Amy turns to Howard and Raj, who are lagging behind them.
"I hope you have fun. And don't worry. I'm told anxiety on a first date is perfectly natural. You were wise to choose an outing that included four chaperones. "
The funny noise that emanates from Raj's throat is almost verbal and Penny mentally scores another point for his ongoing progress (she also notes the way Howard grabs Raj's hand immediately and scores a point for his).
Penny links her fingers with Amy's and increases her pace half a step, maintaining the barrier between them and the too-short Superman and too-Texan Magneto leading them to the front door. The familiar synth notes of Prince's "Bat Dance" greet them as they cross the threshold inside.
"Did I say the wrong thing?" Amy asks.
"No, sweetie. Just the wrong time. Never mind, it's a party!"
--