FIC: Getting Out of Reverse 6/15 (Rated PG-13)
See full header with credits and disclaimers here.
-- chapter six
Later that evening, Dr. Xanthopoulos called Wilson to ask if he could meet with her around 10:30 the following morning. Wilson had said yes because he sensed she really wanted the opportunity to talk with her predecessor. Their meeting lasted for about half an hour and it only took a few minutes for Wilson to decide that, although the woman didn't seem to have a sense of humor, she also spoke about her patients in a way that showed she cared about them.
“There's one more thing I wanted to ask you to do if you would please,” Xanthopoulos said when their meeting was almost over. “Call it a professional favor if you wish.”
“What is it?”
“Dr. Wilson, I know the reason you came back for a visit was because of the situation with Dr. House,” she paused and he nodded. “There are about half a dozen of your former patients currently receiving treatment in the Oncology ward and if you could find the time to visit them while you're here I would be grateful. I believe it would help them since they've asked about you.”
Wilson nodded. “Of course I will. Which patients?”
Dr. Xanthopoulos listed off several patient names that Wilson was indeed familiar with, the last name on that list making his heart sink with sadness.
Wilson sighed before asking, “Tammi's back again?” Xanthopoulos just nodded . Tammi Andersen had first been his patient when she was twenty seven years old and diagnosed with breast cancer. She’d been in remission for the last two and a half years. Wilson pushed the lump in his throat down to ask, “How serious is her prognosis?”
Dr. Xanthopoulos sighed, “It's not good, I'm afraid. The cancer spread into her lymph nodes, then from there it metastasized into the upper and middle lobes of her left lung.” Wilson suggested a few treatments he could think of right off the top of his head, but he knew more than likely any treatment tried now would only be tried in an effort to prolong her life by a few months.
“I promise you I will most definitely go to visit Tammi before I leave town,” Wilson said.
Dr. Xanthopoulos gave the first genuine smile Wilson had seen from her. “Thank you.”
*/*
Wilson had taken the next few hours after leaving his meeting with Dr. Xanthopoulos to visit his former patients as she had requested. He decided to save his visit with Tammi Andersen until last because he knew it would be the most difficult as well as the most meaningful.
One of the things Wilson would always remember the most about his first time meeting with Tammi and her husband was her hair. She had such glorious, honey colored locks that ran all the way down her back and past her buttocks. He had never seen a more lovely mane of hair on a woman before and it had truly saddened him when he had told her she'd have to have chemotherapy after what most likely be a double mastectomy.
Tammi's response to the news she was going to lose her beautiful hair had both amazed and touched him. While holding onto a thick strand of hair she had smiled sadly and said, “I suppose I'll just have a head shave party and donate all this to Locks of Love.”
“But, honey, there might be a chance you won't lose your hair because of the chemo. There is a chance she won't lose it. Right, Dr. Wilson?” Todd Andersen asked, looking so hopeful as he spoke.
Wilson sighed, “I'm sorry, I wish I could say you might not lose your hair from the chemotherapy but I can't. In fact because of the type of treatment you'll need after the surgery, hair loss isn't so much a possibly as it is a most probably.”
“Then the shaving party is on! I mean someone might as well get the use of my hair if I can't right?”
Now Wilson was standing just outside of Tammi's door trying to prepare himself mentally for what he knew waited inside the room. He knew very well the woman inside was dying; there was no question about it after what Dr. Xanthopoulos had told him about Tammi's condition. She was literally at the point where the only thing they could do for her was to make sure she was kept comfortable - the cancer was definitely going to win the battle for her life. Aware that at least two nurses were watching him, Wilson finally knocked gently on the door and heard a male voice softly grant him permission to enter the room. Wilson made sure he had replaced any sadness he was feeling at her situation with a soft smile on his face before he pushed open the door.
Tammi laid with her back towards the door, and Todd sat in a chair by her side, one of his strong hands holding onto her frail one while the other one was stroking her arm. He looked up and smiled when he saw it was Wilson who had entered. Todd leaned closer and said, “Look who just walked into the room.” Wilson had walked to the foot of the bed, and Tammi's face lit up with a smile when she saw him.
“Hi, Dr. Wilson,” she said, her voice so weak it was barely above a whisper. “They told us you weren't working in this hospital anymore.”
“I'm not. I just came back here for. . . a consult with another doctor,” Wilson said.
At hearing this Tammi's smile fell a little but only a little, “Oh.”
Todd spoke before she could say anything asking, “So where are you working at now, Dr. Wilson?” He kissed her hand lightly trying to distract her from her disappointment.
“I'm working at a children's cancer treatment and research hospital just outside of Tempe, Arizona.”
“The kids there sure are lucky to have you as one of their doctors.”
Wilson ran a hand through his hair. “No, I'm certain it's really the other way around.” At the same moment the last word left his mouth, Wilson realized what he had said so he quickly added, “I wish I could have met all of my patients under different circumstances where they didn't have a life threatening illness, I know I've been so very privileged to have been entrusted with their care, with their very lives.”
“Even so, I still say those kids are lucky to have you,” Tammi said.
Wilson smiled in reply this time and said, “Thank you.”
Todd gestured at the rooms other chair, “Please sit and stay a little while.”
Before he had entered into the first room of any of his former patients, Wilson had made the decision that he wouldn't stay long since he didn't want to tire them out. He kept this in mind when he sat down in the offered chair, determining silently that he would keep the remainder of his visit with Tammi brief. “So how is your son, Neil?”
Tammi's eyes lit up at the mention of her son's name. “He's five now and will be starting kindergarten very soon.”
Todd's face was almost split in two with the huge grin he had on his face. “He's getting to be such a big boy now, or so he thinks. When he graduated from his pre-K class you would've thought it was from Princeton University instead.” For the next ten minutes they filled him in on their son along with other noteworthy things about their lives, so when there was a lull in the conversation Wilson saw an opportunity to slip out. He had been about to do so when Tammi spoke again.
“Please tell me why you decided to leave this hospital ? Why did you go out to Arizona?'
Todd responded to the question first, “Tam, honey, don't you think that’s a little too personal ?”
She nodded, “I'm sorry if it's a little too personal, but I'd really like to know why you left.” Her eyes stayed on Wilson the entire time she was speaking. “What happened to you?”
As he listened to them talk to each other, a massive lump rose up in his throat, so when Tammi spoke directly to him Wilson could little more than stare at her while trying to force air past the lump. Wilson knew the only thing that kept him from leaving this room without saying another word to Tammi was the fact she was dying and didn't have much time left.
He was surprised when he heard his own voice actually answering what she had asked him. “My girlfriend. . .died in this hospital.” In the next several minutes, neither broke their stunned silence while he shared the story of what had happened, and once again he surprised himself when he did not omit any of the details.
“Oh, Dr. Wilson, I am so sorry for your loss!” Tammi said after he finished. “Todd's right, I shouldn't have asked something so personal!”
Tears accompanied the lump that re-lodged itself in his throat and this time, because Wilson couldn't manage to force any sound from his mouth, he just nodded a 'thank you' to her.
Tammi reached for her husband's hand, squeezing it before she continued, “I can't imagine what I'd do or how I could get through this without Todd, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have if he hadn't been there for me.” Her eyes left Wilson long enough to cast a tearful look at her husband. “But I also can't imagine how I would've gotten through this without the incredible support of our friends.”
Now Wilson was confused. “I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say.”
“You said that your best friend was directly responsible for setting into motion the events that led to your girlfriend's death. I can understand the need to get away from that friend and even not seeing that person as your friend any longer. I also understand the inability to continue to work in the same building where someone you loved died. But I don't understand how you can stand isolating yourself from everyone you care about and everyone that cares for you here.”
Her words echoed into a thirty second silence that ended when Todd spoke. What he said surprised Wilson, since the last thing he had said had been a mild rebuke to his wife and he really expected to hear more of the same from Todd. “While I don't agree with the exact way Tammi put what she said, and while I am sorry if what was said is once again too personal, I do agree with the spirit behind what she said.”
Wilson realized they had spoken out of concern for him so he felt no anger at them for straying so far into personal territory. “Maybe you're right, and maybe I shouldn't have left everyone and everything behind. But during the time I made the decision to leave, I was hurting too much over Amber's death. I also couldn't bear to keep on working in the hospital where she died and because of other. . . circumstances surrounding her death.”
Wilson glanced at his watch and stood up, “I should go so you can rest. I've stayed for far too long.”
“Thank you so much for coming to see me,” Tammi said.
The smile Wilson gave her was a sad one, “It was my privilege, Tammi.”
“Uh would you mind if I asked you for a hug before you leave, Dr. Wilson?”
“Of course not,” he replied, drawing closer to the bed and wrapping his arms carefully around her frail body.
A moment before he pulled away she whispered, “Please remember me.”
“Always.” He pulled away from her and nodded a goodbye before turning to leave the room.
“Goodbye, Dr. Wilson.”
*/*
During the few minutes it took for him to get from the oncology ward to the ICU, Wilson spent that time thinking over what the Andersens had said to him. He knew some other people probably would have found it offensive that two people he didn't know outside a professional level should give him advice concerning his personal life. Instead, it amazed him that Tammi was someone whose body had been ravaged by cancer and was living her last days too young, her husband faced with the fact he would soon have to raise their son alone, yet they had still shown concern for his well-being.
The doors opened and the chaos on the other side of them quickly vanished any lingering thoughts he had about Tammi. Fear that it was House gripped his heart. Wilson picked up his pace, hurrying to find out which room was the origin of the chaos - he knew very well he was hearing the aftermath of a patient having coded. Wilson picked up his pace getting to his former friend's room, where the sight of two of House's fellows engaged in resuscitation efforts greeted him. Kutner had bagged House while Taub administered compressions until one of the nurses handed him the defibrillator paddles.
“Clear!” he called, and waited for Kutner to pull his hands away before he sent the electrical charge through House's body.
Kutner looked at the monitor and checked for a pulse. “No change. He's still in v-fib.”
“Go again,” Taub said.
“Charging,” responded the nurse.
“Clear.” Taub sent another jolt though House's body and again Kutner indicated there was no change. “Charge to 360 and clear.” He discharged the electricity again.
“There's still no change.”
This time it was Taub who said it, and he began administering chest compressions before ordering “1cc Epinephrine stat.” One of the nurses administered the Epinephrine in the IV port while Taub kept going with the chest compressions. Once she was done, he reached for the paddles and again ordered, “Charge to 360 and clear.”
Come on, House, come on, Wilson thought. Don't let it end this way.
Kutner smiled with relief when he looked at the monitor. “Sinus rhythm’s returned to normal.”
They placed a cooling blanket over him and injected a muscle relaxant when House's body began to shiver in an effort to fight the sudden drop in temperature. At the precise moment they had gotten his temperature down to 33 degrees Celsius, Cuddy laid a hand on Wilson's shoulder to let him know she was there before she passed him and went into House's room.
“What happened?” she asked.
Taub shrugged, “We were getting a patient settled in the unit when the nurse called a code blue.” He continued on to summarize much of what Wilson had witnessed from the doorway.
“We should trach him,” Kutner said after Taub finished.
“Whoa, hold on!” Wilson said, and all three pairs of eyes turned to him. “Traching someone who hasn't shown any signs of respiratory distress is a serious step.”
Kutner nodded in agreement, “But it's possible he could eventually develop respiratory distress.”
“What are you thinking, Dr. Kutner?” Cuddy asked.
“House went into v-fib, an arrhythmia that can be induced when the patient develops sepsis from a primary infection like pneumonia.”
“Then confirm the sepsis with a blood test before you go cutting a hole in his throat.”
Kutner looked at Cuddy and she nodded, “I'll go get the nurse.”
“I'll go check on our patient,” Taub said following him out.
“Kutner has learned a lot from House, and his diagnosis is likely the correct one,” Cuddy said once they were alone. “I also think he's being far more objective about House's condition than you are at this moment.”
Wilson sighed, rubbing his eyes, “You're right. I'm not very objective at this moment and I'm sorry. But it's hard to be when I see House laying in this bed with wires and tubes running in and out of him.”
“And I imagine seeing the defibrillator used on him didn't help either,” Cuddy said.
“No, no it didn't.”
“Even so, there are a few things you should remember. First, House appointed me his medical proxy after you. . . left, so while I respect your input as a colleague and as a friend, legally I have the final say about the steps that will be taken to treat him .” Cuddy paused, taking in a breath before she went on. “Second, while you were once one of the doctors on staff here, that's no longer the case. You're here as his friend and that's all. You need to trust us and let us worry about his treatment.”
Wilson nodded. “You're right about more than one thing. I'm sorry for any overstepping I've done, and for the record I do trust you.”
Cuddy's pager went off at that moment and she swore under her breath as she looked at it. “I have to go. Are you going to stay with him?”
“Yeah, for a little while.”
“Okay, I'll be back later.”
Wilson pulled a chair up to House's bedside, sat down, and didn't speak another word until the nurse who came to collect the blood sample for the lab had left the room. For a long time after they were alone again, Wilson could only stare at House's unnaturally still form, struggling to begin saying what he knew was overdue in being said. When he finally began speaking, his voice was a little shaky from both nervousness and emotion.
“Uh, I wish I knew where or how to begin this. . .” he laughed nervously, “Oh I wish you were awake to stop me from embarrassing us both with my over emotional words by your trademark scathing sarcasm.” He paused, watching House, but of course he received no response so after he inhaled a steadying breath he continued. “Part of the reason I decided to leave here was because I knew it would hurt you in the process. I was hurting so much that I wanted you to hurt too, and the only way I knew to do that was to shut you out of my life completely.”
He paused and stood up so he could look down at House as he spoke. “Amber's death still hurts and I'll be dealing with it for awhile to come, but over the last four months I've come to realize that shutting you out of my life doesn’t only hurt you, it hurts me too. hurts not only you but me too. House, I'm sorry for hurting you by leaving and I'm sorry I hurt you with what I said when I left, but as sorry as I am, I'm not all that sure I could come back here either.”
*/*
A/N: There's a sort of reference to movie Dead Poets Society that Robert Sean Leonard was in when he was younger and played one of the main characters. Can anyone find it?
Oh if you've not seen Dead Poets Society then I highly recommend it as it's not nearly as boring as the title seems to imply and it's become one of my favorite movies.
-- chapter six
Later that evening, Dr. Xanthopoulos called Wilson to ask if he could meet with her around 10:30 the following morning. Wilson had said yes because he sensed she really wanted the opportunity to talk with her predecessor. Their meeting lasted for about half an hour and it only took a few minutes for Wilson to decide that, although the woman didn't seem to have a sense of humor, she also spoke about her patients in a way that showed she cared about them.
“There's one more thing I wanted to ask you to do if you would please,” Xanthopoulos said when their meeting was almost over. “Call it a professional favor if you wish.”
“What is it?”
“Dr. Wilson, I know the reason you came back for a visit was because of the situation with Dr. House,” she paused and he nodded. “There are about half a dozen of your former patients currently receiving treatment in the Oncology ward and if you could find the time to visit them while you're here I would be grateful. I believe it would help them since they've asked about you.”
Wilson nodded. “Of course I will. Which patients?”
Dr. Xanthopoulos listed off several patient names that Wilson was indeed familiar with, the last name on that list making his heart sink with sadness.
Wilson sighed before asking, “Tammi's back again?” Xanthopoulos just nodded . Tammi Andersen had first been his patient when she was twenty seven years old and diagnosed with breast cancer. She’d been in remission for the last two and a half years. Wilson pushed the lump in his throat down to ask, “How serious is her prognosis?”
Dr. Xanthopoulos sighed, “It's not good, I'm afraid. The cancer spread into her lymph nodes, then from there it metastasized into the upper and middle lobes of her left lung.” Wilson suggested a few treatments he could think of right off the top of his head, but he knew more than likely any treatment tried now would only be tried in an effort to prolong her life by a few months.
“I promise you I will most definitely go to visit Tammi before I leave town,” Wilson said.
Dr. Xanthopoulos gave the first genuine smile Wilson had seen from her. “Thank you.”
*/*
Wilson had taken the next few hours after leaving his meeting with Dr. Xanthopoulos to visit his former patients as she had requested. He decided to save his visit with Tammi Andersen until last because he knew it would be the most difficult as well as the most meaningful.
One of the things Wilson would always remember the most about his first time meeting with Tammi and her husband was her hair. She had such glorious, honey colored locks that ran all the way down her back and past her buttocks. He had never seen a more lovely mane of hair on a woman before and it had truly saddened him when he had told her she'd have to have chemotherapy after what most likely be a double mastectomy.
Tammi's response to the news she was going to lose her beautiful hair had both amazed and touched him. While holding onto a thick strand of hair she had smiled sadly and said, “I suppose I'll just have a head shave party and donate all this to Locks of Love.”
“But, honey, there might be a chance you won't lose your hair because of the chemo. There is a chance she won't lose it. Right, Dr. Wilson?” Todd Andersen asked, looking so hopeful as he spoke.
Wilson sighed, “I'm sorry, I wish I could say you might not lose your hair from the chemotherapy but I can't. In fact because of the type of treatment you'll need after the surgery, hair loss isn't so much a possibly as it is a most probably.”
“Then the shaving party is on! I mean someone might as well get the use of my hair if I can't right?”
Now Wilson was standing just outside of Tammi's door trying to prepare himself mentally for what he knew waited inside the room. He knew very well the woman inside was dying; there was no question about it after what Dr. Xanthopoulos had told him about Tammi's condition. She was literally at the point where the only thing they could do for her was to make sure she was kept comfortable - the cancer was definitely going to win the battle for her life. Aware that at least two nurses were watching him, Wilson finally knocked gently on the door and heard a male voice softly grant him permission to enter the room. Wilson made sure he had replaced any sadness he was feeling at her situation with a soft smile on his face before he pushed open the door.
Tammi laid with her back towards the door, and Todd sat in a chair by her side, one of his strong hands holding onto her frail one while the other one was stroking her arm. He looked up and smiled when he saw it was Wilson who had entered. Todd leaned closer and said, “Look who just walked into the room.” Wilson had walked to the foot of the bed, and Tammi's face lit up with a smile when she saw him.
“Hi, Dr. Wilson,” she said, her voice so weak it was barely above a whisper. “They told us you weren't working in this hospital anymore.”
“I'm not. I just came back here for. . . a consult with another doctor,” Wilson said.
At hearing this Tammi's smile fell a little but only a little, “Oh.”
Todd spoke before she could say anything asking, “So where are you working at now, Dr. Wilson?” He kissed her hand lightly trying to distract her from her disappointment.
“I'm working at a children's cancer treatment and research hospital just outside of Tempe, Arizona.”
“The kids there sure are lucky to have you as one of their doctors.”
Wilson ran a hand through his hair. “No, I'm certain it's really the other way around.” At the same moment the last word left his mouth, Wilson realized what he had said so he quickly added, “I wish I could have met all of my patients under different circumstances where they didn't have a life threatening illness, I know I've been so very privileged to have been entrusted with their care, with their very lives.”
“Even so, I still say those kids are lucky to have you,” Tammi said.
Wilson smiled in reply this time and said, “Thank you.”
Todd gestured at the rooms other chair, “Please sit and stay a little while.”
Before he had entered into the first room of any of his former patients, Wilson had made the decision that he wouldn't stay long since he didn't want to tire them out. He kept this in mind when he sat down in the offered chair, determining silently that he would keep the remainder of his visit with Tammi brief. “So how is your son, Neil?”
Tammi's eyes lit up at the mention of her son's name. “He's five now and will be starting kindergarten very soon.”
Todd's face was almost split in two with the huge grin he had on his face. “He's getting to be such a big boy now, or so he thinks. When he graduated from his pre-K class you would've thought it was from Princeton University instead.” For the next ten minutes they filled him in on their son along with other noteworthy things about their lives, so when there was a lull in the conversation Wilson saw an opportunity to slip out. He had been about to do so when Tammi spoke again.
“Please tell me why you decided to leave this hospital ? Why did you go out to Arizona?'
Todd responded to the question first, “Tam, honey, don't you think that’s a little too personal ?”
She nodded, “I'm sorry if it's a little too personal, but I'd really like to know why you left.” Her eyes stayed on Wilson the entire time she was speaking. “What happened to you?”
As he listened to them talk to each other, a massive lump rose up in his throat, so when Tammi spoke directly to him Wilson could little more than stare at her while trying to force air past the lump. Wilson knew the only thing that kept him from leaving this room without saying another word to Tammi was the fact she was dying and didn't have much time left.
He was surprised when he heard his own voice actually answering what she had asked him. “My girlfriend. . .died in this hospital.” In the next several minutes, neither broke their stunned silence while he shared the story of what had happened, and once again he surprised himself when he did not omit any of the details.
“Oh, Dr. Wilson, I am so sorry for your loss!” Tammi said after he finished. “Todd's right, I shouldn't have asked something so personal!”
Tears accompanied the lump that re-lodged itself in his throat and this time, because Wilson couldn't manage to force any sound from his mouth, he just nodded a 'thank you' to her.
Tammi reached for her husband's hand, squeezing it before she continued, “I can't imagine what I'd do or how I could get through this without Todd, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have if he hadn't been there for me.” Her eyes left Wilson long enough to cast a tearful look at her husband. “But I also can't imagine how I would've gotten through this without the incredible support of our friends.”
Now Wilson was confused. “I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say.”
“You said that your best friend was directly responsible for setting into motion the events that led to your girlfriend's death. I can understand the need to get away from that friend and even not seeing that person as your friend any longer. I also understand the inability to continue to work in the same building where someone you loved died. But I don't understand how you can stand isolating yourself from everyone you care about and everyone that cares for you here.”
Her words echoed into a thirty second silence that ended when Todd spoke. What he said surprised Wilson, since the last thing he had said had been a mild rebuke to his wife and he really expected to hear more of the same from Todd. “While I don't agree with the exact way Tammi put what she said, and while I am sorry if what was said is once again too personal, I do agree with the spirit behind what she said.”
Wilson realized they had spoken out of concern for him so he felt no anger at them for straying so far into personal territory. “Maybe you're right, and maybe I shouldn't have left everyone and everything behind. But during the time I made the decision to leave, I was hurting too much over Amber's death. I also couldn't bear to keep on working in the hospital where she died and because of other. . . circumstances surrounding her death.”
Wilson glanced at his watch and stood up, “I should go so you can rest. I've stayed for far too long.”
“Thank you so much for coming to see me,” Tammi said.
The smile Wilson gave her was a sad one, “It was my privilege, Tammi.”
“Uh would you mind if I asked you for a hug before you leave, Dr. Wilson?”
“Of course not,” he replied, drawing closer to the bed and wrapping his arms carefully around her frail body.
A moment before he pulled away she whispered, “Please remember me.”
“Always.” He pulled away from her and nodded a goodbye before turning to leave the room.
“Goodbye, Dr. Wilson.”
*/*
During the few minutes it took for him to get from the oncology ward to the ICU, Wilson spent that time thinking over what the Andersens had said to him. He knew some other people probably would have found it offensive that two people he didn't know outside a professional level should give him advice concerning his personal life. Instead, it amazed him that Tammi was someone whose body had been ravaged by cancer and was living her last days too young, her husband faced with the fact he would soon have to raise their son alone, yet they had still shown concern for his well-being.
The doors opened and the chaos on the other side of them quickly vanished any lingering thoughts he had about Tammi. Fear that it was House gripped his heart. Wilson picked up his pace, hurrying to find out which room was the origin of the chaos - he knew very well he was hearing the aftermath of a patient having coded. Wilson picked up his pace getting to his former friend's room, where the sight of two of House's fellows engaged in resuscitation efforts greeted him. Kutner had bagged House while Taub administered compressions until one of the nurses handed him the defibrillator paddles.
“Clear!” he called, and waited for Kutner to pull his hands away before he sent the electrical charge through House's body.
Kutner looked at the monitor and checked for a pulse. “No change. He's still in v-fib.”
“Go again,” Taub said.
“Charging,” responded the nurse.
“Clear.” Taub sent another jolt though House's body and again Kutner indicated there was no change. “Charge to 360 and clear.” He discharged the electricity again.
“There's still no change.”
This time it was Taub who said it, and he began administering chest compressions before ordering “1cc Epinephrine stat.” One of the nurses administered the Epinephrine in the IV port while Taub kept going with the chest compressions. Once she was done, he reached for the paddles and again ordered, “Charge to 360 and clear.”
Come on, House, come on, Wilson thought. Don't let it end this way.
Kutner smiled with relief when he looked at the monitor. “Sinus rhythm’s returned to normal.”
They placed a cooling blanket over him and injected a muscle relaxant when House's body began to shiver in an effort to fight the sudden drop in temperature. At the precise moment they had gotten his temperature down to 33 degrees Celsius, Cuddy laid a hand on Wilson's shoulder to let him know she was there before she passed him and went into House's room.
“What happened?” she asked.
Taub shrugged, “We were getting a patient settled in the unit when the nurse called a code blue.” He continued on to summarize much of what Wilson had witnessed from the doorway.
“We should trach him,” Kutner said after Taub finished.
“Whoa, hold on!” Wilson said, and all three pairs of eyes turned to him. “Traching someone who hasn't shown any signs of respiratory distress is a serious step.”
Kutner nodded in agreement, “But it's possible he could eventually develop respiratory distress.”
“What are you thinking, Dr. Kutner?” Cuddy asked.
“House went into v-fib, an arrhythmia that can be induced when the patient develops sepsis from a primary infection like pneumonia.”
“Then confirm the sepsis with a blood test before you go cutting a hole in his throat.”
Kutner looked at Cuddy and she nodded, “I'll go get the nurse.”
“I'll go check on our patient,” Taub said following him out.
“Kutner has learned a lot from House, and his diagnosis is likely the correct one,” Cuddy said once they were alone. “I also think he's being far more objective about House's condition than you are at this moment.”
Wilson sighed, rubbing his eyes, “You're right. I'm not very objective at this moment and I'm sorry. But it's hard to be when I see House laying in this bed with wires and tubes running in and out of him.”
“And I imagine seeing the defibrillator used on him didn't help either,” Cuddy said.
“No, no it didn't.”
“Even so, there are a few things you should remember. First, House appointed me his medical proxy after you. . . left, so while I respect your input as a colleague and as a friend, legally I have the final say about the steps that will be taken to treat him .” Cuddy paused, taking in a breath before she went on. “Second, while you were once one of the doctors on staff here, that's no longer the case. You're here as his friend and that's all. You need to trust us and let us worry about his treatment.”
Wilson nodded. “You're right about more than one thing. I'm sorry for any overstepping I've done, and for the record I do trust you.”
Cuddy's pager went off at that moment and she swore under her breath as she looked at it. “I have to go. Are you going to stay with him?”
“Yeah, for a little while.”
“Okay, I'll be back later.”
Wilson pulled a chair up to House's bedside, sat down, and didn't speak another word until the nurse who came to collect the blood sample for the lab had left the room. For a long time after they were alone again, Wilson could only stare at House's unnaturally still form, struggling to begin saying what he knew was overdue in being said. When he finally began speaking, his voice was a little shaky from both nervousness and emotion.
“Uh, I wish I knew where or how to begin this. . .” he laughed nervously, “Oh I wish you were awake to stop me from embarrassing us both with my over emotional words by your trademark scathing sarcasm.” He paused, watching House, but of course he received no response so after he inhaled a steadying breath he continued. “Part of the reason I decided to leave here was because I knew it would hurt you in the process. I was hurting so much that I wanted you to hurt too, and the only way I knew to do that was to shut you out of my life completely.”
He paused and stood up so he could look down at House as he spoke. “Amber's death still hurts and I'll be dealing with it for awhile to come, but over the last four months I've come to realize that shutting you out of my life doesn’t only hurt you, it hurts me too. hurts not only you but me too. House, I'm sorry for hurting you by leaving and I'm sorry I hurt you with what I said when I left, but as sorry as I am, I'm not all that sure I could come back here either.”
*/*
A/N: There's a sort of reference to movie Dead Poets Society that Robert Sean Leonard was in when he was younger and played one of the main characters. Can anyone find it?
Oh if you've not seen Dead Poets Society then I highly recommend it as it's not nearly as boring as the title seems to imply and it's become one of my favorite movies.