The Secret Lives of Friends
Title: The Secret Lives of Friends
Fandom: ZE:A
Characters: Kevin, Hyungsik, Minwoo
Word Count: 7,500
Summary: Kevin comes back to Korea after a long time and finds that things are not as they should be.
Note: my entry for kpop_olymfics. I'm re-posting it with slight changes, and the epigraph I originally wanted.
Atop that hill, would I see home
As the trumpet sounds quietly in the night.
Please send a private a letter, after carefully folding it up.
- The Private's Letter (Kim Hyun Sung)
Kevin couldn't decide if it was worse to be late to the party, or to come empty handed. In the end it didn't matter, because he was both.
He stumbled on the steps as he pulled his jacket over his head to shield the rain. He'd got the address wrong and then he'd missed a bus stop. But he was only half an hour, forty minutes late; how bad could that be? He'd completely given up on the idea of getting a present. It was impossible to know what to get someone when you hadn't seen them in three years.
He knocked on the door of the house and waited. There were no noises from inside and he wondered if he had got the wrong house again, but just as he was about to leave, the door opened.
It was Minwoo. He squinted.
"Oh, you came..."
"Yeah, I'm a little late..."
Minwoo frowned and looked at his watch. "Yeah. Things have quietened down a bit now." He gave Kevin a long and puzzling look, then said, "You might as well come inside. Don't stand in the rain."
Kevin took off his shoes and jacket on the doorstep and followed Minwoo into the house. He found Taeheon sitting by himself at the table eating chips and looking at his phone. Minwoo had said that "things have quietened down" but it didn't look as though there had ever been a party here.
"Kevin's here."
"Oh, hey Kevin." Taeheon looked up and smiled, then went back to checking his phone.
"There's still some chips left if you'd like some."
Kevin looked around cautiously. "Where's Hyungsik?"
"You missed him. He went home already."
"I didn't realise I was that late..."
"You're not late, he just didn't stay for very long."
Minwoo took a seat opposite Taeheon and reached for some chips. "I'm surprised he came at all, to be honest."
Kevin tapped his thigh awkwardly. He wondered if should sit down, but then he realised that there were only two chairs at the table. Minwoo had not offered him a seat.
"So I guess Hyungsik must be really busy these days?"
Minwoo and Taeheon exchanged an awkward look and Kevin knew that he had said the wrong thing.
"No, I wouldn't say he's busy," Taeheon said. He paused thoughtfully, then continued, "actually, I'd say it's quite the opposite."
Minwoo added: "he never leaves his house. He sits around all day doing I dunno what. What did he say he had to go home for today? Some game?"
"Yeah, he said it was an online RPG game. He likes playing these games recently. But to tell the truth... he's not even that good at them. But hey, like you said, it was good that he came today. He even put a shirt on this time."
Minwoo picked up a chip, then threw it on the table in anger. "I organise a birthday party for him and he can't even bother staying half an hour." He pushed his hair back, then put his head in his arms. After a second he stood up from the table. "Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute."
Kevin watched him go, then looked back at Taeheon who smiled apologetically.
"Sorry Kevin, he’s having a bad day. So what brings you back to Korea?"
Kevin thought about how to answer. It had only been a week ago that he had decided to get on the plane and come over. He had been invited to Hyungsik's birthday party, but he was invited automatically every year and he didn't usually come. But this time he felt like he had no excuse.
"Ah, to be honest, I just came to see you guys. So, how's everybody?"
Taeheon blinked. "Everybody? Who do you mean?"
"Ah, never mind. Hyungsik. What happened to him?"
Taeheon shrugged. "Nobody knows. He's unemployed, a baeksu, and he doesn't like going out. You should probably go visit him. I reckon half the reason he showed up tonight is because he thought you were going to be here."
Kevin's chest tightened. He had even more reason to feel guilty now.
"So have you seen him much lately?"
Taeheon shrugged. "I go see him from time to time, but well, there's not much to say to him. I've been busy these days with family stuff - well, we've all been busy, but Hyungsik just... doesn't do anything. He's completely given up music, and he avoids being seen by the public at all costs. We're not sure what happened, but he's been like this ever since he was discharged from his service."
"He doesn't talk about it? I mean, what happened in the army?"
"Sure, he's talked about it. From what I can tell his army time was just like everyone else, and I mean, we all had to do it, right?" His eyes flicked up at Kevin and suddenly his expression changed. "I mean, well, not all of us, but you know what I mean..."
"You don't think anything bad happened to him in the army?"
"Well, nothing out of the ordinary. Not from what he's told me."
Kevin nodded slowly. "And how are you?"
"Pretty good. I got a new job and I might be moving to Japan. I'm a fitness instructor now."
Kevin was about to say something to the effect of "isn't that boring?" but then he remembered that Taeheon had always been one to enjoy the simple life.
He wondered how many of the other members were still in the music industry. Cautiously, Kevin tried to ask about them.
Taeheon seemed cheerful when talking about the other members. He said that Heecheol had become an internet celebrity after a video of his had accidentally gone viral, and that Kwanghee was being taken to court by about five different people but he still managed to appear on television most nights of the week. He was about to talk about one of Dongjun's business ventures when Minwoo came back into the room.
Minwoo looked a little frazzled and his hair was wet from the rain. "I feel better now," he said. "I went to the store to get more soju... since Kevin is here."
Taeheon looked at his phone. "Actually, I have to be home soon. Thanks for the party, Minwoo."
"Sure, whatever."
"It was nice seeing you again Kevin. If you're planning to stay, please come visit sometime."
Kevin agreed that he would, but he didn't know Taeheon's address and Taeheon had not given it to him.
With Taeheon gone, Kevin and Minwoo were left alone in the flat. Minwoo rocked the bottle of soju in his hand.
"So..." Kevin tried to think of something to say.
"Sorry about earlier," Minwoo butted in. He seemed a little shy now. "It wasn't a good day. I've been trying to get Hyungsik to come over for ages, and I thought you were going to be here, and then we'd all be here... but ah, it never works out."
"I'm really sorry about being late."
Minwoo shook his head. "It probably doesn't matter. Hyungsik is... he's being a challenge."
"Because he's become a recluse?"
"It's worse than that. He's just given up everything, I mean he's given up singing. Singing used to mean everything to him, I just don't get it..."
"He's never told you why?"
"Nope, not at all." He stared at Kevin with a shine of hope in his eye. "He might talk to you though. Are you going to go see him? How long are you planning to stay?"
"Ah, well, that's the thing... I ah, kind of need somewhere to stay. Do you have any room?"
Minwoo nodded curtly. "If you don't mind sleeping on the floor."
"Thanks."
"Should we drink then?"
"Sure."
"I have cold drinks in the fridge if you'd prefer them. It's just over there."
Kevin went to the fridge and paused for a second. Minwoo had stuck a picture on his fridge, a group photo of the ZE:A members taken about five years ago. There was something odd about the picture, but Kevin couldn't put his finger on it. After he had taken the bottle from the fridge, he paused to look at it again.
Kevin realised that he could not see himself in the picture. Minwoo had placed a fridge magnet exactly where Kevin's head was, covering him completely. A weird chill went through Kevin's spine as he took the soju bottle back to the table.
Minwoo poured himself a drink. Kevin did the same.
"Say Minwoo... I know it's been a little awkward since we haven’t talked for a while, but everything's cool between us, right?"
Minwoo knocked back the shot glass.
"Sure, why do you ask?"
Kevin finished his drink too.
"No reason."
~*~*~
Kevin rang the doorbell for Hyungsik's apartment. At first he had no reply, but after a second try, he got a simple "okay, come upstairs."
A young woman joined him in the elevator. She gave him a curious look when he pressed the button for Hyungsik's floor.
"Are you going to see Park Hyungsik?" she asked.
"Um, yes..." Her expression was shocked, so he added, "I'm an old friend of his. We were um, band members a few years ago."
She smiled. "Oh, I do remember you. It's Calvin Kim, isn't it?"
"Kevin, actually."
"Are you making a comeback? I know Park Hyungsik doesn't go out very much anymore."
"No, I'm just visiting today..."
They arrived at Hyungsik's floor and Kevin was glad to leave the elevator.
~*~*~
Hyungsik poked his head out of the door at first. His eyes became wide.
"Hyung! It really is you..."
He pulled Kevin inside and wrapped him up in a hug. Kevin's face was clumsily pressed against Hyungsik's shoulder and he noticed Hyungsik didn't smell that great.
"I haven't seen you in such a long time..."
They stepped apart. Hyungsik pushed the long hair away from his eyes. "I'm sorry it's a little messy here."
Kevin looked around briefly. They were in a studio apartment with little furniture, save for a large television and a mattress on the floor. The messiest thing in the room was Hyungsik himself. Hyungsik was wearing track pants with an oversized top that looked like one half of a set of pyjamas. His hair was too long and hanging over his eyes.
"It's not that messy..."
"Well, to be honest, I did try to tidy up a bit after my brother came earlier. He was here this morning." He sat down on the floor and invited Kevin to sit with him. "He comes and visits me quite often these days... keeps nagging me to do this and do that. You know what brothers are like."
"Did he want anything in particular?"
"He's been trying to set me up with some dates. The family has suggested it, they think it's high time I got married and they are probably right." He smiled and patted Kevin on the knee. "Do you remember I once told you that I wouldn't date a woman until I was 28? I'm almost 28 now, so I think I might as well try it."
Kevin tried to remember if Hyungsik had ever told him that. But something wasn't right. "Hyungsik," he said gently, "it was your birthday yesterday. You turned 29."
A look of horror seem to fall across Hyungsik's face. In that moment he aged a year older. "Oh... you might be right... where did the time go?"
Hyungsik sighed loudly and got up from the floor. He walked over to the window and looked down on the street, almost suspiciously. "I've been wasting a lot of time," he said sadly. "But it doesn't feel like it's been that long. It still feels as though I only left the military last year..."
"How have you been eating? Do you cook for yourself?"
"No, mama usually brings me food. She wants me to come back home. My brother wants me to get married. It's funny, I know, but I would rather just stay here."
"We can cook something together for dinner, if you'd like that."
Hyungsik nodded, but he did not seem particularly enthused. Kevin wondered if Hyungsik still had a ridiculous appetite; he might have lost his passion for food the same way he had lost his passion for music.
As they worked in the kitchen, Hyungsik seemed vague.
"Do people still recognise you?" Kevin asked him.
Hyungsik nodded. "Yes, some do. Most people don't, but there were some people who became even more interested in me after I disappeared from the industry. I found long posts about me on the internet, and I even added some more info to them, just for fun." He laughed softly as he peeled an onion.
"They speculated over the reason you left?"
"They did, but no-one knew why."
"Did you tell them?"
"No, they wouldn't have believed it."
"Are you going to tell me?" Kevin asked.
Hyungsik smiled. "Of course I'll tell you."
Kevin waited for Hyungsik to say more, but he only hummed to himself, then reached over to the counter where he kept a small radio. He turned it on and then sang along softly with the pop songs as they played. Kevin didn't know any of the songs, nor did he recognise any of the singers.
Hyungsik seemed cheerful while humming, but he stopped suddenly when a new song came on. Kevin recognised it as the old folk song, The Privates Letter (although it was a recent cover recorded by someone whom Kevin did not know.) Like Hyungsik, the song gave him a bad feeling. He wondered if he and Hyungsik were now sharing the same thought.
Kevin decided to bring it up again during dinner. Eating spicy food would put them both in good spirits, a mood palatable for deep conversation.
"So what was it like in the army?"
Hyungsik hummed as he ate. "No big deal. I did as much as any other man, maybe even less. Everyone was fond of me and I got along well with the unit."
Hyungsik was the sort of person to be frank and genuine about things, so Kevin did not think that he was lying. Perhaps nothing bad had happened to him in the army. And yet, Taeheon and Minwoo were certain that Hyungsik had returned from the army a changed man. He tried his next line of inquiry.
"Have you heard from Song Hansu?"
Hyungsik put down his spoon, but he did not speak. Then after some moments, in a voice that was unusually low, he said, "No, I haven't. Should have I?"
"No, no, I was just wondering."
Kevin tried to laugh it off, but the mood was awkward now. After they had finished eating, Hyungsik cleared away the plates.
"It was nice seeing you Kevin, and thank you for cooking dinner with me."
This goodbye seemed too abrupt to Kevin. "Are you sure you don't want me to help clean up?"
"No, I think you better leave."
Kevin was startled. Hyungsik turned the television on.
"Princess Detective is about to start. I really hate missing episodes, it gets too complicated having to back track."
"Okay then, I'll just..."
Hyungsik wasn't listening anymore. Kevin let himself out.
~*~*~
The front door of Minwoo's flat was open, so Kevin cautiously let himself inside. Minwoo was nowhere in sight, but Kevin could hear strange noises coming from behind a closed door. He didn't know what was inside that room, since Minwoo had not yet allowed him to enter. He took a seat in the kitchen and waited.
Minwoo appeared not long after, bursting from the door with his hands full of loose paper. He put it away before Kevin could get a good look, but it appeared to be sheet music.
"Are you writing music?"
Minwoo grumbled something as he went to the fridge. "I'm trying to. Well, I have a bit of a project I'm working on."
"Can I hear it?"
"No. It's incomplete."
"Can I hear it when it's finished?"
Minwoo shook his head. "It will never be finished." He poured himself a drink. "I want Hyungsik to work with me, but he won't."
"Why not?"
"He hasn't given me any reason. He says he just doesn't feel like it."
"Why don't you ask someone else to sing with you?"
"Because Hyungsik is my only chance of making it big. Ever since he disappeared from the entertainment scene he's picked up this online cult following. They all seem to think he's some sort of recluse genius. And even outside of those weirdos, people are really curious about him. If he made a comeback, that would be big news."
Minwoo finished his drink and Kevin tapped his hands together.
"I went to see Hyungsik today."
Minwoo's eyes widened. "And? How was he? Did he tell you why he quit music?"
Kevin shook his head. "He didn't tell me anything. But..."
"But?"
"But I think I know why he quit. It doesn't have anything to do with the army, or well... not really."
Minwoo waited for him to continue and Kevin could feel his face getting hot.
"I don't know if I can tell you. He swore me to secrecy many years ago."
Minwoo continued to stare at him, so Kevin gave in.
"Did he ever tell you about someone called Song Hansu?"
"No, don't think so. Who's that?"
Kevin got up and went over to his suitcase. From the inside zip pocket he produced an envelope which he handed to Minwoo. Minwoo examined it with a blank face, turning it over in his hand.
"It's an envelope addressed to someone called Song Hansu. In Hyungsik's handwriting. Is this it? Does this explain the reason he gave up music?"
Minwoo was about to open the envelope, but Kevin cried out to stop him.
"It's never been opened."
"So you've never read it?"
"No, I've never read it."
"Well then..." Minwoo looked at the envelope, then back at Kevin. "Then how do you know that this will tell us why Hyungsik quit music?"
"Because it's not what's in the letter that's important, it--"
Minwoo tore open the envelope. He held the letter above his head, so that Kevin could not pull it away. He only read the first few lines of it before he put it down again.
"This is a love letter... Are you telling me Hyungsik gave up music for love? A broken heart? Wait a minute--" Minwoo looked at the letter again. "Song Hansu is a man's name, isn't it?"
Kevin nodded gravely. "Song Hansu was a soldier, at least he was when Hyungsik met him. This is going back a while, before he enlisted..."
Minwoo folded the letter without reading the rest of it. He put it back in the envelope. "A soldier, hey? I have a lot of questions, but mostly I want to know why do you have this letter?"
~*~*~
Kevin had first met Song Hansu four years ago, in a café with Hyungsik.
Kevin was the only person that Hyungsik had ever told about Hansu. He guessed that half the reason Hyungsik had told him was logistical: he needed a cover, someone that could help him with his plans to visit Hansu, but the other half was purely confessional. Hyungsik was certain that he had fallen in love - for the first time ever - and that he would never feel this way about anyone else, and a feeling so great was too much for one person to hold in.
"It was like I was asleep before I met him," Hyungsik told Kevin as they waited together in the café. "I don't know how exactly, but everything's changed. The world just doesn't look the same anymore, songs don't sound the same anymore."
He was jittery and he kept picking up the condiments and putting them back in difference places.
Kevin was there because he had to be there; it was the only way Hyungsik would be able to meet his friend without needing to tell his manager, or anybody. It had to be secret, because Hansu was in the army and he was no ordinary sort of friend.
Kevin put his hand over Hyungsik's to guide him away from the condiments. He was dangerously close to spilling something.
"I haven't see him in a while," Hyungsik murmured, "and now I'm a little nervous."
Kevin was nervous too, but probably for a different reason.
Hyungsik jumped out of his seat the moment Song Hansu came into the cafe. Kevin stood up too, because he was curious to see this guy he had heard so much about.
Song Hansu was ordinary, so ordinary looking that Kevin almost felt offended. He had a flat, oval head, and heavy double lidded eyes that seemed to sweep slowly across the room. He stood out in the cafe because of his uniform, but Kevin would not have been able to pick him from a group of soldiers.
He sat down at the table next to Hyungsik, so that they were both facing Kevin. Hansu flicked his eyes between Kevin and Hyungsik. To Hyungsik, he asked: "Is this your manager?"
"No, I'm Kevin," Kevin replied, a bit too loudly. He quickly readjusted to their surroundings and then felt a little embarrassed for being offended.
"I"m sorry," Hansu said, in a perfectly diplomatic voice, "I don't really follow popular music or tabloids. You're Hyungsik's friend."
Hyungsik had met Hansu while filming a television show. Before then, Hansu had never heard of him either. Hansu's ignorance of pop culture made him seem charming to Hyungsik, a quaint and wholesome country boy. It was also refreshing to meet someone who had no prior knowledge about him. To Hansu, Hyungsik had confessed that he often found his own fame to be stressful and confusing.
Throughout their café meeting - in which Kevin filled the role of awkward third wheel - Hansu spoke very little. He also ate very little, which wasn't a big deal given that Hyungsik ate enough for two people. Hyungsik did most of the talking, and Hansu rarely took his eyes off him, and Kevin rarely took his eyes off Hansu.
Kevin scrutinised every part of Hansu's ordinary body; his thin grey hands that often tapped on his breast pocket where he kept a cigarette box, his thin lips that betrayed no expression, his heavy and bored eyes - what part of him did Hyungsik find attractive?
"How long is your leave?" Hyungsik asked.
"A week. I'm leaving for the farm first thing tomorrow."
"Let's go to the singing room tonight. I won't keep you late." Hyungsik took Hansu's hand, and looked towards Kevin as if asking for permission. Kevin would have to come too, of course.
Kevin didn't mind. Noraebang usually meant listening to Hyungsik work his way through the discography of Park Hyosin, but he was okay with that.
But on this night, Kevin did not survive for long. Something about the way that Hyungsik sang Snow Flower seemed so intimate, and he did not feel that he had the right to be there. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, and he never came back. He spent the rest of the night sitting by the front desk of the noraebang, playing on his phone to relieve the boredom and most of all, the difficult to understand pain in his heart.
He told none of this to Minwoo, of course.
After that night, Kevin did not see Hansu again. Not long after, Hyungsik would also enlist for military service (Hansu only had a few months remaining to serve). Overcome by loneliness in the first month of his service, Hyungsik wrote Hansu a letter.
~*~*~
"So why do you have this letter?"
Kevin sighed. "Hyungsik gave it to me. I went to visit him not long after he enlisted and he gave it to me then. I was meant to deliver it for him. The military always checks parcels and letters going in and out so it was safer for me to put it into his hands myself."
"But you never did."
Kevin shook his head slowly. His terrible shame had now been revealed, and in a way, he was relieved to get it off his chest.
"I couldn't have," he said, "I couldn't let it go any further. This kind of relationship... for a celebrity it's risky, but for a soldier it's illegal."
"So you let Hyungsik believe that the love of his life had rejected him?"
Kevin's face started to get hot, and he was propelled by a surge of anger.
"It wasn't the love of his life! Hyungsik was infatuated - he couldn't see that Song Hansu was just some dull, chain smoking nobody who was only interested in Hyungsik for his money."
"Did he ever ask Hyungsik for money?"
"Not directly, but he was always talking about how his mother was ill and their farm was struggling, and you know what Hyungsik's like..."
Minwoo was silent for a few moments, his fingers arched and tapping together as he looked to the ceiling. At last he said, "I would have done the same thing..."
Kevin sighed with relief.
"...if I was his manager, but I'm his friend! Kevin, we're his friends! And he told you his secret and gave you this letter because you were the hyung he trusted the most - and you betrayed him."
"I didn't think it would turn out like this. I thought he would just get over it quickly, and move on with his life."
"But instead you ruined him."
Kevin's anger returned to the surface. "He was putting himself in danger. He was putting all of us in danger. I did this because I wanted to save his career - I didn't know that he would go and throw it all away himself." He jumped out of his seat, but as soon as his eyes met with Minwoo's his anger fell like a crumpled piece of paper. "I screwed up. It's all my fault." He picked up the envelope from the table. "I'll go sort it out with him."
"No, no, no!" Minwoo pulled the envelope back. "You can't tell him. He'll be even more upset if he knows that you back stabbed him."
"Then what should I do?"
"I don't know. Find some way to cheer him up." Minwoo stood up from the table. "Excuse me, I have to go work on my project."
He returned to his secret room and closed the door behind him.
~*~*~
The next time Kevin saw Hyungsik was the following week. Hyungsik could be elusive with messages and phone calls, but he seemed happy for Kevin to show up at his house unannounced.
When Hyungsik opened the door Kevin was surprised to find that he had cut his hair and was wearing a dress shirt with trousers. He looked nothing like the baeksu Kevin had met a week ago; he was now looking much more like his old self.
Hyungsik must have noticed Kevin's shocked expression, because he smiled and said, "I cut my hair. Do you like it?"
"What's the occasion?"
Hyungsik talked as he fumbled with the buttons on his sleeve. "I've decided that it's time for me to grow up. I know it seems a bit late for growing up, but until last week I didn't feel old at all. It wasn't until you came and told me that I was 29... then it hit me." He looked up at Kevin and grinned. "You are such a good influence on me hyung, more influential than my actual brother. Speaking of him, he's arranged for me to meet a woman today, some friend of a friend, and that's why I've put a nice shirt on."
He had failed to do up the buttons on his sleeve, so he held them out for Kevin.
"Have I come at a bad time?" Kevin asked as he fixed Hyungsik's buttons.
"Well, I'm about to go out, but I'm only going to the river, would you like to walk with me?"
They went out together and this time Kevin wondered if people would stare now that Hyungsik was back to looking like the movie star he had once been.
"The other day I was about to tell you why I gave up singing, but I don't think I got around to telling you."
"Are you going to tell me now?" For some reason, Kevin was feeling nervous.
Hyungsik took a long, sweeping look around the street, up and through the buildings and trees. "Whenever I sang," he said, "I always tried to express emotions from my heart, make people feel something - like Park Hyosin. That was the only reason I did it. But I can't sing from my heart anymore, because now... my heart is empty."
Kevin was about to say something, but Hyungsik stopped him.
"Wait, there's more to it. In my youth I was always quite pretentious. I thought I could be a great singer like Park Hyosin, but when I left the army I realised that I was actually quite ordinary..."
"Isn't everyone ordinary?"
"Exactly! Everyone I served with, and everyone on this street is an ordinary person, a citizen doing their part for the country. Why should I be any different? I admit that I was confused for quite some time, but now I know what I should do. I'll just get married, and live like an ordinary person."
"But do you actually want to get married?" Kevin asked.
Hyungsik shook his head while smiling. "The Republic of Korea does not strive because of people doing what they want to do."
They were almost at the river.
"But what about Song Hansu?" Kevin said suddenly, aware that he was running out of time.
"What about him?"
"Don't you want to speak to him again?"
Hyungsik gave Kevin a curious look. "It's all over. Hansu rejected me, and in hindsight, I'm glad that he did. Hansu, a poor farmer's son, rejecting a celebrity like me? It really put things in perspective. Besides, seeking him out would be undignified. I have to be a man about it." Hyungsik paused to look at his watch. "I'm almost late for the meeting. It was nice talking to you hyung."
As Hyungsik walked away Kevin thought he could feel a snake curling up inside his belly. He called out: "Hyungsik, come back!"
Hyungsik turned around, confused.
"What's the matter?"
Kevin ran to catch up with him.
"Hansu never rejected you."
"Huh, what do you mean?"
"He never replied to your letter because he never received it."
Hyungsik frowned as he studied Kevin's face. "Why?"
"Because I never gave it to him."
"But... why?"
Kevin had to take a deep breath. "Because I wanted you to end your relationship with him."
"But... why?" Hyungsik's eyes moved to stare into the space behind Kevin's shoulder.
"I thought it would cause you trouble. I only wanted what was best for you."
Still staring into space, Hyungsik started to walk slowly towards the river. He seemed to have forgotten about his appointment. Kevin cautiously followed him.
"Hyungsik - your date..."
Hyungsik stopped in his tracks suddenly and turned to face Kevin. His eyes were narrowed. "When I was discharged from the army I was told that you had moved away but nobody knew why. The others were mad - but I wasn't. We're all ordinary people and we have to live our lives, and I knew that you wouldn't forget about us because you loved us and you would come back. And I was right, you came back... but this! This!"
Hyungsik clumsily tore at his sleeve, pulling off the buttons. He pulled at the buttons at his throat too.
"After all this time I survived being betrayed by Hansu... but I can't survive being betrayed by you!"
Hyungsik continued pulling at his buttons, now dangerously close to exposing himself. When Kevin put a hand out to stop him, he hit it away.
"I'm going home. Don't follow me."
Kevin watched him walk off, his heart in knots.
~*~*~
After having created an even bigger mess, Kevin was starting to feel that he had outstayed his welcome. He found a paper shopping bag and ripped off a piece so that he could write a note.
Please call Hyungsik.
He planted it on the fridge next to the ZE:A photo where his face had been covered. He hoped that Minwoo would see it that afternoon.
Kevin returned to packing his bag. On the kitchen counter he picked up the letter to Song Hansu. In all of this, there was one other person Kevin still owed an apology to. He packed the letter into his bag, determined to do at least one thing right.
~*~*~
The window on the bus was fogged up by frost. Kevin breathed onto it and wiped with his sleeve so that he could see the outline of the mountains.
On his journey Kevin thought about the last three years suspended in time. It was enough time for him to have become alienated from his friends, so much so that he had been scared to come back. The longer he spent away the more he thought about how everyone was accelerating into the future while he was only filling space. It was like someone had pressed a pause button on his life.
Now he saw that by failing to deliver the letter he had created an indefinite pause in the life of Hyungsik, and Hansu too perhaps. It was only right that he should be the one to set them back in motion.
With every lurch of the bus, Kevin felt more nervous. Three years was far too late to be delivering a letter, and he didn't imagine that Song Hansu would receive him kindly.
As he walked down the country road, he wondered if Hansu even still lived at the same address. The whole place had an empty, abandoned feel to it. After some deliberation, he finally brought himself to knock on the door.
It was Hansu who answered. Kevin recognised him immediately, even with his hair grown back. He still had the same melancholy oval face.
"Song Hansu... do you know who I am?"
Hansu blinked slowly. "Pop singer. Calvin Kim."
"Kevin Kim."
"Yes. Is this about Hyungsik?"
"Yes and no. Can I come in?"
Hansu reluctantly allowed him inside. He took his shoes off at the door and followed Hansu into an empty room. They sat cross legged on the floorboards, facing each other.
Kevin passed Hansu the letter. "You were meant to have this. Three years ago."
Hansu turned the envelope over in his hand, then tossed it aside. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and placed it in between his lips. As he lit the cigarette he gave Kevin a suspicious look.
He breathed out and Kevin turned his head slightly to avoid the smoke. Hansu's eyes moved back towards the envelope he had cast aside. "So why are you here?"
"I wanted to put things right between you and Hyungsik. I stood between you two and I shouldn't have."
Hansu was still looking at the envelope. "No. You were right to do that. There was no point in us having an affair, it would only have come to nothing in the end."
"Did you love him?"
"No, not really." Hansu still avoided Kevin's eyes.
"Oh..."
"You've come a long way for no good reason so it would seem."
From Hansu's window Kevin could see specks of snow falling across the evening sky.
"It doesn't matter."
~*~*~
Some hours later Kevin was lying on a blanket in a dusty room. Hansu had let him stay for the night since the snow was heavy. As he lay, he watched a millipede crawl across the floorboard. He couldn't sleep.
The door to the room was slightly open and light was streaming from the other side, suggesting that Hansu was still awake. Kevin crawled to the door and pushed it open some more. He saw Hansu sitting against the wall, the opened letter in his lap and tears running down his face. Kevin paused for a few moments then he crawled into the room.
"Can I talk to you?"
Hansu looked up suddenly and wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. He did not reply.
"You did love him, didn't you? Why don't you go back to him? I know he still has you in his heart."
Hansu shook his head. "You don't really understand what it's like for people like us. I have responsibilities here."
"But it's affecting you?"
"Of course. Falling in love changes a person - no matter how hard you try, you can never go back to how you were before. That is the way of life. The memory of love will always be there, and it's hard to remember what life was like before it." He paused to look at the letter again, and a certain tenderness seemed to touch his features. He said to Kevin: "Is he doing well?"
"You haven't been keeping up with the news? Online?"
"I did for a little while, but I became too sad, so I stopped. Why, did something happen?"
Kevin took a moment to think about how he would explain it. "Hyungsik is... well, he's not himself anymore. He gave up singing, gave up everything really..."
Hansu stared hard at Kevin for a long time. His heavy eyes became narrow.
"So. That's why you are here."
~*~*~
A few days later Kevin met Hansu at the bus station in Banpo-dong. He breathed out with relief when he saw Hansu step off the bus. He had been unsure as to whether he would come at all.
Hansu was brisk with him. "I can't stay for long," he said.
"Thanks for coming all this way."
He looked at Kevin as though Kevin had just said something absurd. "I didn't come here for you. I want to see my Hyungsik again."
Kevin took him to the place that he had arranged to meet Hyungsik. Perhaps "arranged" was too strong a word. He had only sent a short message to Hyungsik: "I'll be with Song Hansu on Banpo Bridge at 8pm."
There was no reply, but the time stamp notified him that Hyungsik had seen the message. He followed it up sheepishly with "I love you. Please forgive me." That message went unseen.
It was now 8:30 and Hyungsik had not come. Hansu tapped on his pockets out of impatience and boredom. He still kept a cigarette box in his breast pocket and even though now he wore civilian clothes Kevin still saw him in the private's uniform he had worn on the day they had first met.
"I'm sorry he's late."
"Do you even know if he's coming?"
He couldn't lie. "No, not really."
"Then he might not come at all."
Kevin could not answer.
"I won't stay for much longer." Hansu turned around and checked the street. On the other side of the road a man in a red jacket was standing by a shop window, his back to them as he stared at a poster in the window. He was the only person standing, although many people were passing either side of him. Hansu's eyes were fixed on him, so Kevin watched too.
Hansu turned back suddenly. "Before I go, I have one question for you."
Kevin gave his attention.
Hansu's voice lost its dry edge, and he said, almost kindly: "What took you so long?"
Kevin's voice caught in his throat. "I don't know," he said and then Hansu walked away.
He watched Hansu cross the road and push through the crowd to stand beside the man in the jacket. They stood side by side, both staring at the poster. Kevin watched them from a distance. He couldn't tell if they were speaking to each other.
How long has Hyungsik been standing there, he wondered.
For now, he could do nothing but watch them, and then he realised he couldn't even do that. It wasn't his business - it never was. In a state of mixed emotions, he made his way back to Minwoo's flat.
~*~*~
When Kevin returned to the flat, Minwoo had locked himself away in his secret room. Over the past week Kevin had made multiple attempts to get Minwoo to show him the room, or show him some music, but each time he was shut out.
This time he didn't bother trying. He went to the fridge to search for a cold drink, but stopped when he saw the group photo of ZE:A, the one where his face was covered. They had been the only people he had known better than himself, his most precious friends. He pondered how easily everything had fallen into shards, damaged beyond repair.
Minwoo burst out of the music room looking frazzled, his hair sticking up in different directions. He went to the fridge and frowned when he saw Kevin.
"What's going on? You disappeared for a couple of days. I thought you might have left the country again."
"Well, I'm back. But maybe it would be better if I left again..."
"Why do you say that?"
Kevin coughed and pointed at the photo. "You guys are mad at me. You even covered my face in the group photo."
Minwoo stared at Kevin in confusion, and then at the photo, and then he laughed. His laughter made Kevin's heart ache - only then did he realise just how much he missed its sound.
"That was an accident, I didn't mean to do that." He reached over and pushed the magnet so that it was now covering Kwanghee's face. "Is that better?"
Kevin nodded. "Yes, it is."
Minwoo stopped laughing suddenly. "I was mad at you, to tell the truth. Not mad that you left, but mad that you left and didn't tell us."
"There's nothing to tell."
"It's alright. I've since learned that no matter how close a friend may be, they will always have a side of them that you don't see. A secret life. Sometimes it's small, sometimes it's big."
There was a silence. Their brief moment of reunion had passed and now it felt like the gap between them was as big as ever. Kevin wondered if they would ever be close again.
At last Minwoo said, "Hyungsik was dating a soldier. What the fuck..." He chuckled his old boisterous laugh again and Kevin's worries were lifted.
Still Kevin couldn't laugh with him. He shook his head sadly. "I don't know what will happen to Hyungsik. I don't know if he'll sing again."
"I'll get someone else to sing for me." When he looked up he stared hard at Kevin. "Kevin-hyung... you can sing. You weren't as famous as Hyungsik, but you were a better singer."
Kevin looked at the floor. "Ah..."
"What are you saying? Did someone break your heart too?"
"No, no... but it's been a long time."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Kevin waited in the kitchen as Minwoo went to answer it.
He couldn't see them, but he could hear their voices.
"Hey Minwoo... is Kevin here? I want to talk to him. I yelled at him the other day, and I feel bad about it."
Kevin's heart leaped. Staying put in the kitchen, he heard Minwoo say:
"Sure, come inside."
Hyungsik hobbled into the kitchen. Even with his big red jacket, he looked beaten by the cold. His cheeks were pink and he was shaking. There was something shameful and apologetic about the way he looked at Kevin.
Before he could say anything, Kevin asked: "Did you meet him?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, I did." He smiled suddenly. "Thank you..."
Kevin was about to ask more, but Minwoo came back in and slapped Hyungsik on the shoulder. "Have you eaten yet? I'm hungry, let's eat now."
While Minwoo was rummaging in one of the cupboards, Kevin leaned in to speak quietly with Hyungsik.
"What happened?"
"Ah..." Hyungsik made a long sound while he rocked on his heels. At last he said, "Three years is a long time..."
Minwoo made ramyeon and they sat together to eat. They were silent for most of it, Minwoo and Hyungsik because they were focused on eating, and Kevin because he was pondering what Hyungsik had just told him.
Three years really was too late for them... he had created a gap that was too hard to repair. Kevin stirred his noodles without eating them. He was hopelessly sad.
Hyungsik finished his bowl. "Wow, that was good. I miss eating ramyeon with you."
Minwoo chuckled. "Anytime."
"Kevin?"
"Eh?"
"You're not eating. Are you sick?"
"Ah..."
Hyungsik was staring at him with a searching expression. Kevin wanted to pour his heart out to him, tell him that he was sorry, but before he could say anything Hyungsik moved around the table to pull him into a hug.
"I'm really glad that you came home."
Fandom: ZE:A
Characters: Kevin, Hyungsik, Minwoo
Word Count: 7,500
Summary: Kevin comes back to Korea after a long time and finds that things are not as they should be.
Note: my entry for kpop_olymfics. I'm re-posting it with slight changes, and the epigraph I originally wanted.
Atop that hill, would I see home
As the trumpet sounds quietly in the night.
Please send a private a letter, after carefully folding it up.
- The Private's Letter (Kim Hyun Sung)
Kevin couldn't decide if it was worse to be late to the party, or to come empty handed. In the end it didn't matter, because he was both.
He stumbled on the steps as he pulled his jacket over his head to shield the rain. He'd got the address wrong and then he'd missed a bus stop. But he was only half an hour, forty minutes late; how bad could that be? He'd completely given up on the idea of getting a present. It was impossible to know what to get someone when you hadn't seen them in three years.
He knocked on the door of the house and waited. There were no noises from inside and he wondered if he had got the wrong house again, but just as he was about to leave, the door opened.
It was Minwoo. He squinted.
"Oh, you came..."
"Yeah, I'm a little late..."
Minwoo frowned and looked at his watch. "Yeah. Things have quietened down a bit now." He gave Kevin a long and puzzling look, then said, "You might as well come inside. Don't stand in the rain."
Kevin took off his shoes and jacket on the doorstep and followed Minwoo into the house. He found Taeheon sitting by himself at the table eating chips and looking at his phone. Minwoo had said that "things have quietened down" but it didn't look as though there had ever been a party here.
"Kevin's here."
"Oh, hey Kevin." Taeheon looked up and smiled, then went back to checking his phone.
"There's still some chips left if you'd like some."
Kevin looked around cautiously. "Where's Hyungsik?"
"You missed him. He went home already."
"I didn't realise I was that late..."
"You're not late, he just didn't stay for very long."
Minwoo took a seat opposite Taeheon and reached for some chips. "I'm surprised he came at all, to be honest."
Kevin tapped his thigh awkwardly. He wondered if should sit down, but then he realised that there were only two chairs at the table. Minwoo had not offered him a seat.
"So I guess Hyungsik must be really busy these days?"
Minwoo and Taeheon exchanged an awkward look and Kevin knew that he had said the wrong thing.
"No, I wouldn't say he's busy," Taeheon said. He paused thoughtfully, then continued, "actually, I'd say it's quite the opposite."
Minwoo added: "he never leaves his house. He sits around all day doing I dunno what. What did he say he had to go home for today? Some game?"
"Yeah, he said it was an online RPG game. He likes playing these games recently. But to tell the truth... he's not even that good at them. But hey, like you said, it was good that he came today. He even put a shirt on this time."
Minwoo picked up a chip, then threw it on the table in anger. "I organise a birthday party for him and he can't even bother staying half an hour." He pushed his hair back, then put his head in his arms. After a second he stood up from the table. "Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute."
Kevin watched him go, then looked back at Taeheon who smiled apologetically.
"Sorry Kevin, he’s having a bad day. So what brings you back to Korea?"
Kevin thought about how to answer. It had only been a week ago that he had decided to get on the plane and come over. He had been invited to Hyungsik's birthday party, but he was invited automatically every year and he didn't usually come. But this time he felt like he had no excuse.
"Ah, to be honest, I just came to see you guys. So, how's everybody?"
Taeheon blinked. "Everybody? Who do you mean?"
"Ah, never mind. Hyungsik. What happened to him?"
Taeheon shrugged. "Nobody knows. He's unemployed, a baeksu, and he doesn't like going out. You should probably go visit him. I reckon half the reason he showed up tonight is because he thought you were going to be here."
Kevin's chest tightened. He had even more reason to feel guilty now.
"So have you seen him much lately?"
Taeheon shrugged. "I go see him from time to time, but well, there's not much to say to him. I've been busy these days with family stuff - well, we've all been busy, but Hyungsik just... doesn't do anything. He's completely given up music, and he avoids being seen by the public at all costs. We're not sure what happened, but he's been like this ever since he was discharged from his service."
"He doesn't talk about it? I mean, what happened in the army?"
"Sure, he's talked about it. From what I can tell his army time was just like everyone else, and I mean, we all had to do it, right?" His eyes flicked up at Kevin and suddenly his expression changed. "I mean, well, not all of us, but you know what I mean..."
"You don't think anything bad happened to him in the army?"
"Well, nothing out of the ordinary. Not from what he's told me."
Kevin nodded slowly. "And how are you?"
"Pretty good. I got a new job and I might be moving to Japan. I'm a fitness instructor now."
Kevin was about to say something to the effect of "isn't that boring?" but then he remembered that Taeheon had always been one to enjoy the simple life.
He wondered how many of the other members were still in the music industry. Cautiously, Kevin tried to ask about them.
Taeheon seemed cheerful when talking about the other members. He said that Heecheol had become an internet celebrity after a video of his had accidentally gone viral, and that Kwanghee was being taken to court by about five different people but he still managed to appear on television most nights of the week. He was about to talk about one of Dongjun's business ventures when Minwoo came back into the room.
Minwoo looked a little frazzled and his hair was wet from the rain. "I feel better now," he said. "I went to the store to get more soju... since Kevin is here."
Taeheon looked at his phone. "Actually, I have to be home soon. Thanks for the party, Minwoo."
"Sure, whatever."
"It was nice seeing you again Kevin. If you're planning to stay, please come visit sometime."
Kevin agreed that he would, but he didn't know Taeheon's address and Taeheon had not given it to him.
With Taeheon gone, Kevin and Minwoo were left alone in the flat. Minwoo rocked the bottle of soju in his hand.
"So..." Kevin tried to think of something to say.
"Sorry about earlier," Minwoo butted in. He seemed a little shy now. "It wasn't a good day. I've been trying to get Hyungsik to come over for ages, and I thought you were going to be here, and then we'd all be here... but ah, it never works out."
"I'm really sorry about being late."
Minwoo shook his head. "It probably doesn't matter. Hyungsik is... he's being a challenge."
"Because he's become a recluse?"
"It's worse than that. He's just given up everything, I mean he's given up singing. Singing used to mean everything to him, I just don't get it..."
"He's never told you why?"
"Nope, not at all." He stared at Kevin with a shine of hope in his eye. "He might talk to you though. Are you going to go see him? How long are you planning to stay?"
"Ah, well, that's the thing... I ah, kind of need somewhere to stay. Do you have any room?"
Minwoo nodded curtly. "If you don't mind sleeping on the floor."
"Thanks."
"Should we drink then?"
"Sure."
"I have cold drinks in the fridge if you'd prefer them. It's just over there."
Kevin went to the fridge and paused for a second. Minwoo had stuck a picture on his fridge, a group photo of the ZE:A members taken about five years ago. There was something odd about the picture, but Kevin couldn't put his finger on it. After he had taken the bottle from the fridge, he paused to look at it again.
Kevin realised that he could not see himself in the picture. Minwoo had placed a fridge magnet exactly where Kevin's head was, covering him completely. A weird chill went through Kevin's spine as he took the soju bottle back to the table.
Minwoo poured himself a drink. Kevin did the same.
"Say Minwoo... I know it's been a little awkward since we haven’t talked for a while, but everything's cool between us, right?"
Minwoo knocked back the shot glass.
"Sure, why do you ask?"
Kevin finished his drink too.
"No reason."
~*~*~
Kevin rang the doorbell for Hyungsik's apartment. At first he had no reply, but after a second try, he got a simple "okay, come upstairs."
A young woman joined him in the elevator. She gave him a curious look when he pressed the button for Hyungsik's floor.
"Are you going to see Park Hyungsik?" she asked.
"Um, yes..." Her expression was shocked, so he added, "I'm an old friend of his. We were um, band members a few years ago."
She smiled. "Oh, I do remember you. It's Calvin Kim, isn't it?"
"Kevin, actually."
"Are you making a comeback? I know Park Hyungsik doesn't go out very much anymore."
"No, I'm just visiting today..."
They arrived at Hyungsik's floor and Kevin was glad to leave the elevator.
~*~*~
Hyungsik poked his head out of the door at first. His eyes became wide.
"Hyung! It really is you..."
He pulled Kevin inside and wrapped him up in a hug. Kevin's face was clumsily pressed against Hyungsik's shoulder and he noticed Hyungsik didn't smell that great.
"I haven't seen you in such a long time..."
They stepped apart. Hyungsik pushed the long hair away from his eyes. "I'm sorry it's a little messy here."
Kevin looked around briefly. They were in a studio apartment with little furniture, save for a large television and a mattress on the floor. The messiest thing in the room was Hyungsik himself. Hyungsik was wearing track pants with an oversized top that looked like one half of a set of pyjamas. His hair was too long and hanging over his eyes.
"It's not that messy..."
"Well, to be honest, I did try to tidy up a bit after my brother came earlier. He was here this morning." He sat down on the floor and invited Kevin to sit with him. "He comes and visits me quite often these days... keeps nagging me to do this and do that. You know what brothers are like."
"Did he want anything in particular?"
"He's been trying to set me up with some dates. The family has suggested it, they think it's high time I got married and they are probably right." He smiled and patted Kevin on the knee. "Do you remember I once told you that I wouldn't date a woman until I was 28? I'm almost 28 now, so I think I might as well try it."
Kevin tried to remember if Hyungsik had ever told him that. But something wasn't right. "Hyungsik," he said gently, "it was your birthday yesterday. You turned 29."
A look of horror seem to fall across Hyungsik's face. In that moment he aged a year older. "Oh... you might be right... where did the time go?"
Hyungsik sighed loudly and got up from the floor. He walked over to the window and looked down on the street, almost suspiciously. "I've been wasting a lot of time," he said sadly. "But it doesn't feel like it's been that long. It still feels as though I only left the military last year..."
"How have you been eating? Do you cook for yourself?"
"No, mama usually brings me food. She wants me to come back home. My brother wants me to get married. It's funny, I know, but I would rather just stay here."
"We can cook something together for dinner, if you'd like that."
Hyungsik nodded, but he did not seem particularly enthused. Kevin wondered if Hyungsik still had a ridiculous appetite; he might have lost his passion for food the same way he had lost his passion for music.
As they worked in the kitchen, Hyungsik seemed vague.
"Do people still recognise you?" Kevin asked him.
Hyungsik nodded. "Yes, some do. Most people don't, but there were some people who became even more interested in me after I disappeared from the industry. I found long posts about me on the internet, and I even added some more info to them, just for fun." He laughed softly as he peeled an onion.
"They speculated over the reason you left?"
"They did, but no-one knew why."
"Did you tell them?"
"No, they wouldn't have believed it."
"Are you going to tell me?" Kevin asked.
Hyungsik smiled. "Of course I'll tell you."
Kevin waited for Hyungsik to say more, but he only hummed to himself, then reached over to the counter where he kept a small radio. He turned it on and then sang along softly with the pop songs as they played. Kevin didn't know any of the songs, nor did he recognise any of the singers.
Hyungsik seemed cheerful while humming, but he stopped suddenly when a new song came on. Kevin recognised it as the old folk song, The Privates Letter (although it was a recent cover recorded by someone whom Kevin did not know.) Like Hyungsik, the song gave him a bad feeling. He wondered if he and Hyungsik were now sharing the same thought.
Kevin decided to bring it up again during dinner. Eating spicy food would put them both in good spirits, a mood palatable for deep conversation.
"So what was it like in the army?"
Hyungsik hummed as he ate. "No big deal. I did as much as any other man, maybe even less. Everyone was fond of me and I got along well with the unit."
Hyungsik was the sort of person to be frank and genuine about things, so Kevin did not think that he was lying. Perhaps nothing bad had happened to him in the army. And yet, Taeheon and Minwoo were certain that Hyungsik had returned from the army a changed man. He tried his next line of inquiry.
"Have you heard from Song Hansu?"
Hyungsik put down his spoon, but he did not speak. Then after some moments, in a voice that was unusually low, he said, "No, I haven't. Should have I?"
"No, no, I was just wondering."
Kevin tried to laugh it off, but the mood was awkward now. After they had finished eating, Hyungsik cleared away the plates.
"It was nice seeing you Kevin, and thank you for cooking dinner with me."
This goodbye seemed too abrupt to Kevin. "Are you sure you don't want me to help clean up?"
"No, I think you better leave."
Kevin was startled. Hyungsik turned the television on.
"Princess Detective is about to start. I really hate missing episodes, it gets too complicated having to back track."
"Okay then, I'll just..."
Hyungsik wasn't listening anymore. Kevin let himself out.
~*~*~
The front door of Minwoo's flat was open, so Kevin cautiously let himself inside. Minwoo was nowhere in sight, but Kevin could hear strange noises coming from behind a closed door. He didn't know what was inside that room, since Minwoo had not yet allowed him to enter. He took a seat in the kitchen and waited.
Minwoo appeared not long after, bursting from the door with his hands full of loose paper. He put it away before Kevin could get a good look, but it appeared to be sheet music.
"Are you writing music?"
Minwoo grumbled something as he went to the fridge. "I'm trying to. Well, I have a bit of a project I'm working on."
"Can I hear it?"
"No. It's incomplete."
"Can I hear it when it's finished?"
Minwoo shook his head. "It will never be finished." He poured himself a drink. "I want Hyungsik to work with me, but he won't."
"Why not?"
"He hasn't given me any reason. He says he just doesn't feel like it."
"Why don't you ask someone else to sing with you?"
"Because Hyungsik is my only chance of making it big. Ever since he disappeared from the entertainment scene he's picked up this online cult following. They all seem to think he's some sort of recluse genius. And even outside of those weirdos, people are really curious about him. If he made a comeback, that would be big news."
Minwoo finished his drink and Kevin tapped his hands together.
"I went to see Hyungsik today."
Minwoo's eyes widened. "And? How was he? Did he tell you why he quit music?"
Kevin shook his head. "He didn't tell me anything. But..."
"But?"
"But I think I know why he quit. It doesn't have anything to do with the army, or well... not really."
Minwoo waited for him to continue and Kevin could feel his face getting hot.
"I don't know if I can tell you. He swore me to secrecy many years ago."
Minwoo continued to stare at him, so Kevin gave in.
"Did he ever tell you about someone called Song Hansu?"
"No, don't think so. Who's that?"
Kevin got up and went over to his suitcase. From the inside zip pocket he produced an envelope which he handed to Minwoo. Minwoo examined it with a blank face, turning it over in his hand.
"It's an envelope addressed to someone called Song Hansu. In Hyungsik's handwriting. Is this it? Does this explain the reason he gave up music?"
Minwoo was about to open the envelope, but Kevin cried out to stop him.
"It's never been opened."
"So you've never read it?"
"No, I've never read it."
"Well then..." Minwoo looked at the envelope, then back at Kevin. "Then how do you know that this will tell us why Hyungsik quit music?"
"Because it's not what's in the letter that's important, it--"
Minwoo tore open the envelope. He held the letter above his head, so that Kevin could not pull it away. He only read the first few lines of it before he put it down again.
"This is a love letter... Are you telling me Hyungsik gave up music for love? A broken heart? Wait a minute--" Minwoo looked at the letter again. "Song Hansu is a man's name, isn't it?"
Kevin nodded gravely. "Song Hansu was a soldier, at least he was when Hyungsik met him. This is going back a while, before he enlisted..."
Minwoo folded the letter without reading the rest of it. He put it back in the envelope. "A soldier, hey? I have a lot of questions, but mostly I want to know why do you have this letter?"
~*~*~
Kevin had first met Song Hansu four years ago, in a café with Hyungsik.
Kevin was the only person that Hyungsik had ever told about Hansu. He guessed that half the reason Hyungsik had told him was logistical: he needed a cover, someone that could help him with his plans to visit Hansu, but the other half was purely confessional. Hyungsik was certain that he had fallen in love - for the first time ever - and that he would never feel this way about anyone else, and a feeling so great was too much for one person to hold in.
"It was like I was asleep before I met him," Hyungsik told Kevin as they waited together in the café. "I don't know how exactly, but everything's changed. The world just doesn't look the same anymore, songs don't sound the same anymore."
He was jittery and he kept picking up the condiments and putting them back in difference places.
Kevin was there because he had to be there; it was the only way Hyungsik would be able to meet his friend without needing to tell his manager, or anybody. It had to be secret, because Hansu was in the army and he was no ordinary sort of friend.
Kevin put his hand over Hyungsik's to guide him away from the condiments. He was dangerously close to spilling something.
"I haven't see him in a while," Hyungsik murmured, "and now I'm a little nervous."
Kevin was nervous too, but probably for a different reason.
Hyungsik jumped out of his seat the moment Song Hansu came into the cafe. Kevin stood up too, because he was curious to see this guy he had heard so much about.
Song Hansu was ordinary, so ordinary looking that Kevin almost felt offended. He had a flat, oval head, and heavy double lidded eyes that seemed to sweep slowly across the room. He stood out in the cafe because of his uniform, but Kevin would not have been able to pick him from a group of soldiers.
He sat down at the table next to Hyungsik, so that they were both facing Kevin. Hansu flicked his eyes between Kevin and Hyungsik. To Hyungsik, he asked: "Is this your manager?"
"No, I'm Kevin," Kevin replied, a bit too loudly. He quickly readjusted to their surroundings and then felt a little embarrassed for being offended.
"I"m sorry," Hansu said, in a perfectly diplomatic voice, "I don't really follow popular music or tabloids. You're Hyungsik's friend."
Hyungsik had met Hansu while filming a television show. Before then, Hansu had never heard of him either. Hansu's ignorance of pop culture made him seem charming to Hyungsik, a quaint and wholesome country boy. It was also refreshing to meet someone who had no prior knowledge about him. To Hansu, Hyungsik had confessed that he often found his own fame to be stressful and confusing.
Throughout their café meeting - in which Kevin filled the role of awkward third wheel - Hansu spoke very little. He also ate very little, which wasn't a big deal given that Hyungsik ate enough for two people. Hyungsik did most of the talking, and Hansu rarely took his eyes off him, and Kevin rarely took his eyes off Hansu.
Kevin scrutinised every part of Hansu's ordinary body; his thin grey hands that often tapped on his breast pocket where he kept a cigarette box, his thin lips that betrayed no expression, his heavy and bored eyes - what part of him did Hyungsik find attractive?
"How long is your leave?" Hyungsik asked.
"A week. I'm leaving for the farm first thing tomorrow."
"Let's go to the singing room tonight. I won't keep you late." Hyungsik took Hansu's hand, and looked towards Kevin as if asking for permission. Kevin would have to come too, of course.
Kevin didn't mind. Noraebang usually meant listening to Hyungsik work his way through the discography of Park Hyosin, but he was okay with that.
But on this night, Kevin did not survive for long. Something about the way that Hyungsik sang Snow Flower seemed so intimate, and he did not feel that he had the right to be there. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, and he never came back. He spent the rest of the night sitting by the front desk of the noraebang, playing on his phone to relieve the boredom and most of all, the difficult to understand pain in his heart.
He told none of this to Minwoo, of course.
After that night, Kevin did not see Hansu again. Not long after, Hyungsik would also enlist for military service (Hansu only had a few months remaining to serve). Overcome by loneliness in the first month of his service, Hyungsik wrote Hansu a letter.
~*~*~
"So why do you have this letter?"
Kevin sighed. "Hyungsik gave it to me. I went to visit him not long after he enlisted and he gave it to me then. I was meant to deliver it for him. The military always checks parcels and letters going in and out so it was safer for me to put it into his hands myself."
"But you never did."
Kevin shook his head slowly. His terrible shame had now been revealed, and in a way, he was relieved to get it off his chest.
"I couldn't have," he said, "I couldn't let it go any further. This kind of relationship... for a celebrity it's risky, but for a soldier it's illegal."
"So you let Hyungsik believe that the love of his life had rejected him?"
Kevin's face started to get hot, and he was propelled by a surge of anger.
"It wasn't the love of his life! Hyungsik was infatuated - he couldn't see that Song Hansu was just some dull, chain smoking nobody who was only interested in Hyungsik for his money."
"Did he ever ask Hyungsik for money?"
"Not directly, but he was always talking about how his mother was ill and their farm was struggling, and you know what Hyungsik's like..."
Minwoo was silent for a few moments, his fingers arched and tapping together as he looked to the ceiling. At last he said, "I would have done the same thing..."
Kevin sighed with relief.
"...if I was his manager, but I'm his friend! Kevin, we're his friends! And he told you his secret and gave you this letter because you were the hyung he trusted the most - and you betrayed him."
"I didn't think it would turn out like this. I thought he would just get over it quickly, and move on with his life."
"But instead you ruined him."
Kevin's anger returned to the surface. "He was putting himself in danger. He was putting all of us in danger. I did this because I wanted to save his career - I didn't know that he would go and throw it all away himself." He jumped out of his seat, but as soon as his eyes met with Minwoo's his anger fell like a crumpled piece of paper. "I screwed up. It's all my fault." He picked up the envelope from the table. "I'll go sort it out with him."
"No, no, no!" Minwoo pulled the envelope back. "You can't tell him. He'll be even more upset if he knows that you back stabbed him."
"Then what should I do?"
"I don't know. Find some way to cheer him up." Minwoo stood up from the table. "Excuse me, I have to go work on my project."
He returned to his secret room and closed the door behind him.
~*~*~
The next time Kevin saw Hyungsik was the following week. Hyungsik could be elusive with messages and phone calls, but he seemed happy for Kevin to show up at his house unannounced.
When Hyungsik opened the door Kevin was surprised to find that he had cut his hair and was wearing a dress shirt with trousers. He looked nothing like the baeksu Kevin had met a week ago; he was now looking much more like his old self.
Hyungsik must have noticed Kevin's shocked expression, because he smiled and said, "I cut my hair. Do you like it?"
"What's the occasion?"
Hyungsik talked as he fumbled with the buttons on his sleeve. "I've decided that it's time for me to grow up. I know it seems a bit late for growing up, but until last week I didn't feel old at all. It wasn't until you came and told me that I was 29... then it hit me." He looked up at Kevin and grinned. "You are such a good influence on me hyung, more influential than my actual brother. Speaking of him, he's arranged for me to meet a woman today, some friend of a friend, and that's why I've put a nice shirt on."
He had failed to do up the buttons on his sleeve, so he held them out for Kevin.
"Have I come at a bad time?" Kevin asked as he fixed Hyungsik's buttons.
"Well, I'm about to go out, but I'm only going to the river, would you like to walk with me?"
They went out together and this time Kevin wondered if people would stare now that Hyungsik was back to looking like the movie star he had once been.
"The other day I was about to tell you why I gave up singing, but I don't think I got around to telling you."
"Are you going to tell me now?" For some reason, Kevin was feeling nervous.
Hyungsik took a long, sweeping look around the street, up and through the buildings and trees. "Whenever I sang," he said, "I always tried to express emotions from my heart, make people feel something - like Park Hyosin. That was the only reason I did it. But I can't sing from my heart anymore, because now... my heart is empty."
Kevin was about to say something, but Hyungsik stopped him.
"Wait, there's more to it. In my youth I was always quite pretentious. I thought I could be a great singer like Park Hyosin, but when I left the army I realised that I was actually quite ordinary..."
"Isn't everyone ordinary?"
"Exactly! Everyone I served with, and everyone on this street is an ordinary person, a citizen doing their part for the country. Why should I be any different? I admit that I was confused for quite some time, but now I know what I should do. I'll just get married, and live like an ordinary person."
"But do you actually want to get married?" Kevin asked.
Hyungsik shook his head while smiling. "The Republic of Korea does not strive because of people doing what they want to do."
They were almost at the river.
"But what about Song Hansu?" Kevin said suddenly, aware that he was running out of time.
"What about him?"
"Don't you want to speak to him again?"
Hyungsik gave Kevin a curious look. "It's all over. Hansu rejected me, and in hindsight, I'm glad that he did. Hansu, a poor farmer's son, rejecting a celebrity like me? It really put things in perspective. Besides, seeking him out would be undignified. I have to be a man about it." Hyungsik paused to look at his watch. "I'm almost late for the meeting. It was nice talking to you hyung."
As Hyungsik walked away Kevin thought he could feel a snake curling up inside his belly. He called out: "Hyungsik, come back!"
Hyungsik turned around, confused.
"What's the matter?"
Kevin ran to catch up with him.
"Hansu never rejected you."
"Huh, what do you mean?"
"He never replied to your letter because he never received it."
Hyungsik frowned as he studied Kevin's face. "Why?"
"Because I never gave it to him."
"But... why?"
Kevin had to take a deep breath. "Because I wanted you to end your relationship with him."
"But... why?" Hyungsik's eyes moved to stare into the space behind Kevin's shoulder.
"I thought it would cause you trouble. I only wanted what was best for you."
Still staring into space, Hyungsik started to walk slowly towards the river. He seemed to have forgotten about his appointment. Kevin cautiously followed him.
"Hyungsik - your date..."
Hyungsik stopped in his tracks suddenly and turned to face Kevin. His eyes were narrowed. "When I was discharged from the army I was told that you had moved away but nobody knew why. The others were mad - but I wasn't. We're all ordinary people and we have to live our lives, and I knew that you wouldn't forget about us because you loved us and you would come back. And I was right, you came back... but this! This!"
Hyungsik clumsily tore at his sleeve, pulling off the buttons. He pulled at the buttons at his throat too.
"After all this time I survived being betrayed by Hansu... but I can't survive being betrayed by you!"
Hyungsik continued pulling at his buttons, now dangerously close to exposing himself. When Kevin put a hand out to stop him, he hit it away.
"I'm going home. Don't follow me."
Kevin watched him walk off, his heart in knots.
~*~*~
After having created an even bigger mess, Kevin was starting to feel that he had outstayed his welcome. He found a paper shopping bag and ripped off a piece so that he could write a note.
Please call Hyungsik.
He planted it on the fridge next to the ZE:A photo where his face had been covered. He hoped that Minwoo would see it that afternoon.
Kevin returned to packing his bag. On the kitchen counter he picked up the letter to Song Hansu. In all of this, there was one other person Kevin still owed an apology to. He packed the letter into his bag, determined to do at least one thing right.
~*~*~
The window on the bus was fogged up by frost. Kevin breathed onto it and wiped with his sleeve so that he could see the outline of the mountains.
On his journey Kevin thought about the last three years suspended in time. It was enough time for him to have become alienated from his friends, so much so that he had been scared to come back. The longer he spent away the more he thought about how everyone was accelerating into the future while he was only filling space. It was like someone had pressed a pause button on his life.
Now he saw that by failing to deliver the letter he had created an indefinite pause in the life of Hyungsik, and Hansu too perhaps. It was only right that he should be the one to set them back in motion.
With every lurch of the bus, Kevin felt more nervous. Three years was far too late to be delivering a letter, and he didn't imagine that Song Hansu would receive him kindly.
As he walked down the country road, he wondered if Hansu even still lived at the same address. The whole place had an empty, abandoned feel to it. After some deliberation, he finally brought himself to knock on the door.
It was Hansu who answered. Kevin recognised him immediately, even with his hair grown back. He still had the same melancholy oval face.
"Song Hansu... do you know who I am?"
Hansu blinked slowly. "Pop singer. Calvin Kim."
"Kevin Kim."
"Yes. Is this about Hyungsik?"
"Yes and no. Can I come in?"
Hansu reluctantly allowed him inside. He took his shoes off at the door and followed Hansu into an empty room. They sat cross legged on the floorboards, facing each other.
Kevin passed Hansu the letter. "You were meant to have this. Three years ago."
Hansu turned the envelope over in his hand, then tossed it aside. He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and placed it in between his lips. As he lit the cigarette he gave Kevin a suspicious look.
He breathed out and Kevin turned his head slightly to avoid the smoke. Hansu's eyes moved back towards the envelope he had cast aside. "So why are you here?"
"I wanted to put things right between you and Hyungsik. I stood between you two and I shouldn't have."
Hansu was still looking at the envelope. "No. You were right to do that. There was no point in us having an affair, it would only have come to nothing in the end."
"Did you love him?"
"No, not really." Hansu still avoided Kevin's eyes.
"Oh..."
"You've come a long way for no good reason so it would seem."
From Hansu's window Kevin could see specks of snow falling across the evening sky.
"It doesn't matter."
~*~*~
Some hours later Kevin was lying on a blanket in a dusty room. Hansu had let him stay for the night since the snow was heavy. As he lay, he watched a millipede crawl across the floorboard. He couldn't sleep.
The door to the room was slightly open and light was streaming from the other side, suggesting that Hansu was still awake. Kevin crawled to the door and pushed it open some more. He saw Hansu sitting against the wall, the opened letter in his lap and tears running down his face. Kevin paused for a few moments then he crawled into the room.
"Can I talk to you?"
Hansu looked up suddenly and wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. He did not reply.
"You did love him, didn't you? Why don't you go back to him? I know he still has you in his heart."
Hansu shook his head. "You don't really understand what it's like for people like us. I have responsibilities here."
"But it's affecting you?"
"Of course. Falling in love changes a person - no matter how hard you try, you can never go back to how you were before. That is the way of life. The memory of love will always be there, and it's hard to remember what life was like before it." He paused to look at the letter again, and a certain tenderness seemed to touch his features. He said to Kevin: "Is he doing well?"
"You haven't been keeping up with the news? Online?"
"I did for a little while, but I became too sad, so I stopped. Why, did something happen?"
Kevin took a moment to think about how he would explain it. "Hyungsik is... well, he's not himself anymore. He gave up singing, gave up everything really..."
Hansu stared hard at Kevin for a long time. His heavy eyes became narrow.
"So. That's why you are here."
~*~*~
A few days later Kevin met Hansu at the bus station in Banpo-dong. He breathed out with relief when he saw Hansu step off the bus. He had been unsure as to whether he would come at all.
Hansu was brisk with him. "I can't stay for long," he said.
"Thanks for coming all this way."
He looked at Kevin as though Kevin had just said something absurd. "I didn't come here for you. I want to see my Hyungsik again."
Kevin took him to the place that he had arranged to meet Hyungsik. Perhaps "arranged" was too strong a word. He had only sent a short message to Hyungsik: "I'll be with Song Hansu on Banpo Bridge at 8pm."
There was no reply, but the time stamp notified him that Hyungsik had seen the message. He followed it up sheepishly with "I love you. Please forgive me." That message went unseen.
It was now 8:30 and Hyungsik had not come. Hansu tapped on his pockets out of impatience and boredom. He still kept a cigarette box in his breast pocket and even though now he wore civilian clothes Kevin still saw him in the private's uniform he had worn on the day they had first met.
"I'm sorry he's late."
"Do you even know if he's coming?"
He couldn't lie. "No, not really."
"Then he might not come at all."
Kevin could not answer.
"I won't stay for much longer." Hansu turned around and checked the street. On the other side of the road a man in a red jacket was standing by a shop window, his back to them as he stared at a poster in the window. He was the only person standing, although many people were passing either side of him. Hansu's eyes were fixed on him, so Kevin watched too.
Hansu turned back suddenly. "Before I go, I have one question for you."
Kevin gave his attention.
Hansu's voice lost its dry edge, and he said, almost kindly: "What took you so long?"
Kevin's voice caught in his throat. "I don't know," he said and then Hansu walked away.
He watched Hansu cross the road and push through the crowd to stand beside the man in the jacket. They stood side by side, both staring at the poster. Kevin watched them from a distance. He couldn't tell if they were speaking to each other.
How long has Hyungsik been standing there, he wondered.
For now, he could do nothing but watch them, and then he realised he couldn't even do that. It wasn't his business - it never was. In a state of mixed emotions, he made his way back to Minwoo's flat.
~*~*~
When Kevin returned to the flat, Minwoo had locked himself away in his secret room. Over the past week Kevin had made multiple attempts to get Minwoo to show him the room, or show him some music, but each time he was shut out.
This time he didn't bother trying. He went to the fridge to search for a cold drink, but stopped when he saw the group photo of ZE:A, the one where his face was covered. They had been the only people he had known better than himself, his most precious friends. He pondered how easily everything had fallen into shards, damaged beyond repair.
Minwoo burst out of the music room looking frazzled, his hair sticking up in different directions. He went to the fridge and frowned when he saw Kevin.
"What's going on? You disappeared for a couple of days. I thought you might have left the country again."
"Well, I'm back. But maybe it would be better if I left again..."
"Why do you say that?"
Kevin coughed and pointed at the photo. "You guys are mad at me. You even covered my face in the group photo."
Minwoo stared at Kevin in confusion, and then at the photo, and then he laughed. His laughter made Kevin's heart ache - only then did he realise just how much he missed its sound.
"That was an accident, I didn't mean to do that." He reached over and pushed the magnet so that it was now covering Kwanghee's face. "Is that better?"
Kevin nodded. "Yes, it is."
Minwoo stopped laughing suddenly. "I was mad at you, to tell the truth. Not mad that you left, but mad that you left and didn't tell us."
"There's nothing to tell."
"It's alright. I've since learned that no matter how close a friend may be, they will always have a side of them that you don't see. A secret life. Sometimes it's small, sometimes it's big."
There was a silence. Their brief moment of reunion had passed and now it felt like the gap between them was as big as ever. Kevin wondered if they would ever be close again.
At last Minwoo said, "Hyungsik was dating a soldier. What the fuck..." He chuckled his old boisterous laugh again and Kevin's worries were lifted.
Still Kevin couldn't laugh with him. He shook his head sadly. "I don't know what will happen to Hyungsik. I don't know if he'll sing again."
"I'll get someone else to sing for me." When he looked up he stared hard at Kevin. "Kevin-hyung... you can sing. You weren't as famous as Hyungsik, but you were a better singer."
Kevin looked at the floor. "Ah..."
"What are you saying? Did someone break your heart too?"
"No, no... but it's been a long time."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Kevin waited in the kitchen as Minwoo went to answer it.
He couldn't see them, but he could hear their voices.
"Hey Minwoo... is Kevin here? I want to talk to him. I yelled at him the other day, and I feel bad about it."
Kevin's heart leaped. Staying put in the kitchen, he heard Minwoo say:
"Sure, come inside."
Hyungsik hobbled into the kitchen. Even with his big red jacket, he looked beaten by the cold. His cheeks were pink and he was shaking. There was something shameful and apologetic about the way he looked at Kevin.
Before he could say anything, Kevin asked: "Did you meet him?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, I did." He smiled suddenly. "Thank you..."
Kevin was about to ask more, but Minwoo came back in and slapped Hyungsik on the shoulder. "Have you eaten yet? I'm hungry, let's eat now."
While Minwoo was rummaging in one of the cupboards, Kevin leaned in to speak quietly with Hyungsik.
"What happened?"
"Ah..." Hyungsik made a long sound while he rocked on his heels. At last he said, "Three years is a long time..."
Minwoo made ramyeon and they sat together to eat. They were silent for most of it, Minwoo and Hyungsik because they were focused on eating, and Kevin because he was pondering what Hyungsik had just told him.
Three years really was too late for them... he had created a gap that was too hard to repair. Kevin stirred his noodles without eating them. He was hopelessly sad.
Hyungsik finished his bowl. "Wow, that was good. I miss eating ramyeon with you."
Minwoo chuckled. "Anytime."
"Kevin?"
"Eh?"
"You're not eating. Are you sick?"
"Ah..."
Hyungsik was staring at him with a searching expression. Kevin wanted to pour his heart out to him, tell him that he was sorry, but before he could say anything Hyungsik moved around the table to pull him into a hug.
"I'm really glad that you came home."