Comments | horsefreakh: The Mansion, Chapter One

horsefreakh

The Mansion, Chapter One

Aug 15, 2009 19:46

Alrighty, let's give this one a shot.

The Mansion promises to be a collection of short stories, or excerpts from larger ones, all held together under one umbrella/premise thingy. This is like, part of the umbrella that will be holding it all together. Next chapter should be a short story. I hope. I kinda have issues writing those. Anyway, this will ( Read more... )

the mansion, chapter 1, original fiction

Comments 14

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horsefreakh August 18 2009, 00:37:10 UTC

ACK, ACK! I totally forgot I even posted this! I put it on private (I thought) so that I could edit it when I got around to it. Darn. Ah, well.

Thanks for the eadvice! Most of it was definitely stuff I already had in mind, but other stuff helped.

Geez, I should really not type stuff up so late. : )

(The comment has been removed)

horsefreakh August 18 2009, 18:54:23 UTC

Oh, no, the concrit was fine. It was just me being dumb. I promise to put the real deal up later, though. : )

Thread 8

shinoakkitenshi August 17 2009, 04:42:32 UTC

wowza, its long. I just got off work and its 1230 am ill read it very soon. I promise.

horsefreakh August 18 2009, 00:39:52 UTC

Um, actually, you can totally wait to read it. I kinda sorta actually put this up when it was supposed to be on private. Oh, no. I think I posted it on my Insane journal too. *smacks forehead*

Let me edit it, and you can read it then. ; )

Wowz, you're working late. I have to admit, I'm kinda surprised.

shinoakkitenshi August 18 2009, 00:55:29 UTC

lol alright well post it when you're ready for me to read it.

And yeah it's a shocker!! I'll be working ALL DAY tomorrow too!!! o.o wtf. =D

horsefreakh August 18 2009, 01:17:10 UTC

No problem. Kinda taking a break right now, though, cause we just got back from a 2 day trip.

Jeez, what are doing? Lotsa work. O.o

Thread 5

shinoakkitenshi August 23 2009, 03:05:21 UTC

This is beautifully written. I like your use of the POV switches. You seem to be working within the confines of third limited vs third omniscient.

That being said you have to go through and cull out any use of the third omniscient voice. When you refer to Bella as "the maid" or anything like that that is third omniscient.

"Swiffer WetJet mop tightly in her hand, the maid/housekeeper/whatever-else-anyone-could-possibly-want-her-to-be wondered if she should " This is third omniscient, and wordy.

The first part with Ms. Swan seems a little out of place. However if you bring in that character later it could work. I agree the first paragraph Bella has a much more interesting first line. That way you can work in the setting later on in the story, allowing the reader to "walk with" her or other charcters as they walk through the town.

I'd love to see more! Keep it up. This is by far the best work I've seen from you.

horsefreakh August 23 2009, 03:21:36 UTC

Thanks for all the tips. It's funny, cause this one hasn't given me all the grief I expected it would. It's going to be hard to really keep it all the same kinda quality. I know my initial idea for the second chapter is really shaky ( ... )

horsefreakh August 23 2009, 03:23:23 UTC

Shaw, dang it. I'm so bad, I can't even remember my character's name. *smacks self in head*

shinoakkitenshi August 23 2009, 03:28:26 UTC

What you could do with the part with Ms. Swan is make it into like a prologue. Separating it from the story could help it set the stage but not take away from the power of the first chapter. Soemtimes the power of the physical visual set up can be everything. I believe font, type set, alignment etc can be everything.

Thread 5