Synesthesia 3B/? (NC-17)(Horrible/Hammer/Penny)(Horrible/Snow One-Sided)
Title: Synesthesia
Part: 3B/?
By: Lilithisbitter
Rating: MA (Lemon/Disturbing Themes/Darkfic)
Word Count: 13,000 (Post I and II combined)
Pairing: Horrible/Penny/Hammer, Horrible/Johnny Snow (One-sided), Horrible/Bait/Switch
Spoiler: For All Three Acts of Doctor Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Comic Book Backstory Not Used
Summary: One part continuation, one part alternate universe, shake and stir. A bounced Wonderflonium accident disrupts events in not one but two parallel timelines and forces Billy to pony up to his inner demons.
Previous Chapters
I. The Reign of Dr. Horrible
II. Warning: Don't Bounce
III. Penny for Your Thoughts, Hopes, and Dreams Part I [1]
Because of LJ Post Restrictions, Part III is in 2 Parts...
Continued from Part 3A...
Except for one sleeping ferret, Billy had the apartment to himself. He spent the afternoon in the lab, sliding in the last microfilament connections to the Wonderflonium. It was a marvel to work with and a bit on the arousing side with that pulsing blue-silver light so most scientists could only work with it in ten-minute bursts before they lost most of their inhibitions and decided to masturbate in public. With the last filament in place, he quickly slid the panel in place before he found himself on his lab stool with his safety pants, jeans, and underwear around his ankles again with one hand around his cock, just pumping away until he came in a blurring rush.
When you said you loved Wonderflonium, you Loved Wonderflonium. Not as a sex toy… god no, most Wonderflonium fuel rods, like the one he had stolen, were the size of a can of soda. Plus in addition to Do Not Bounce, the case also came with more warnings…
Do not use as doorstop.
Do not use as postage.
Do not lick.
Do not store at above 300 Degrees.
Do not tease.
Do not poke with sharp object.
Do not leave bad reviews about Wonderflonium on Amazon.com.
And so on…
It was with warnings like these that he kept his head clear and a timer clicking away near his elbow. He had too many almost kisses and oops for another incident to happen. Billy checked the display. “Three seconds. I am good. I am a God.”
He slid his hands out of his gloves and popped his knuckles as he observed his freeze ray with the eye of an artist. Only a genius like him could come up with formula for stopping time, the clean lines of the gun housing all of the components. He was the Steve Jobs of evil scientists; only he didn’t have a turtleneck sweater. Billy pulled the gun close and polished the silver surface, unpeeling the masking taping from display window.
The freeze ray resembled an old fashioned camcorder and a space age ray gun with sword aspects. It was designed to create a bubble of still space for three minutes. Billy figured he had enough time to grab the mayor and if Hammer was caught in the blast… well he would kick the oaf in the nuts. He cradled the gun in his arms and began to strut as only Dr. Horrible could strut. “Oh, I am going to enjoy this so much… no more sharing feelings with Feely the Share Bear… no more blows to the face… my own ELE nameplate… personal masseuse and happy ending… plush chair beneath my butt… Penny by my side… no… she’d be under me… I’d be on her… in her… bye bye virginity… we’d go all the way… and it will be legendary!” He punctuated each pause with a swing of the gun.
Billy spun around to meet the eyes of Moist. “Heh, heh, Doc,” Moist said, looking not at all innocent in his soggy party hat. “Nice gloat.”
Moist wasn’t alone. The little arrogant SOB said that he would be away for the whole night. It looked like none of that was going on. Instead their apartment looked like a frat house. Conflict Diamond was setting up stacks of pizza on his metal chemistry table in the main room while Bait and Switch were rolling in a keg. Purple Pimp had a sizable crowed of women around him, all in various stages of undress, but that was to be expected. And on the couch, Pink Pummeler sat, surrounded by his collection of plush animals. Billy was sure that he could hear a show tune escape the homophobe villain’s mouth and a cosmopolitan in his hand. “It’s a party for the slamming man of the hour,” Purple Pimp said, “You couldn’t come to the club, so we brought the club to you.”
Billy almost made a bolt back for his large comfy chair.
“Hey Doc,” Conflict Diamond said from the corner of the room. Billy waved back. And on cue, came his standard greeting. “How’s it hanging?”
“Okay I guess.”
He liked Conflict okay, a slim black man, shorter than himself, a little taller than Moist, always in a suit covered in diamond colored dust. He had the odd power to turn diamonds into cubic zirconium, which was mean, but not exactly evil, but it was oddly thrilling and sexy. Billy had nearly gone all the way with Conflict, but pulled back at the last minute with the other man’s lubed fingers up his ass and his tongue pulling at the piercing in his navel, which sounded awkward and yet had him like putty in Conflict’s hands. So yeah… it was awkward to say the least. When Conflict Diamond asked, “How’s it hanging?” he knew, he had seen it.
“Well, that’s good, Doc,” Conflict said, waving him over. “I haven’t seen you for a while.”
Billy walked over and Conflict Diamond handed him a Corona from the supply on the table. There was already a baseline thumping from the stereo system someone brought in and a smoky scent in the air from the Purple Pimp’s Cuban cigars. “I’ve been busy with science stuff,” he said and gulped back his beer.
“Well,” Conflict said with more than air of triumph and Billy decided he didn’t like Conflict as much as he thought he did. “It does take a lot of hard work to be a tease.”
Billy found a reason to straighten his lab coat. “I’m not a tease. I’m just looking for the right person and I think I’ve found her.” He said before gulping down his beer dregs before following it up with a Red Bull chaser. “I can’t be bothered to drop trou for everyone with a good smile and a condom.”
Conflict’s smile widened. “Oh you do, but then you back out. That’s our cute little Dr. Prude. Virgin with a dash of slut.”
“I was nervous-” Billy began.
“You never seem all that nervous with a few beers in you, bumping and grinding. You always release your inner manslut. The problem is… you can’t pay up.”
He could feel his ears burn, could hear the snickers in the air. “Oh, shut up.” Billy pushed passed him, grabbing for whatever he could, which turned out to be more bottles of beer. Lucky him.
Billy opened the lab’s entrance just enough to squeeze though. The lights, as usual, came on automatically, bathing him in the neon glow. Conflict’s chuckles still echoed in his ears as he found his chair, beer bottles clutched in his hands like a lifeline. Billy set them down and pulled himself up, sure that the unwanted party had traveled into the kitchen where they were using his tools without permission. Pop, gulp, pop, gulp. This was how it should have been… one man drunken party. Billy belched and wiped at his mouth with his lab coat’s sleeve. Yep, feel that warmth and that glow. Didn’t have to think that he was the man, he was the man. Just him and his drunken self. His wussy lightweight self. And yet, he had Dr. Horrble’s confidence and strong speaking voice and Billy’s gentleness. Go him. The perfect William… odd to think of himself by his full name.
“So there you are!” two voices rang out in harmony and they were the voices his drunken lightweight mind wanted to hear.
Bait and Switch’s heads popped over the edge of the chair. Bait’s hair was dyed a bright red and Switch’s natural red hair was blue again, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that Switch, was really a dude who most of the time wore a dress, whose job was to make politicians look gay, he was just really glad to see them. Billy’s face broke into a wide grin as his goggles fell over one ear. “Bait and Switch! The two cutest widdle criminals in the world! Yay!”
They shared in his glee as he pulled them up into his huge chair and they hugged for a moment. “We heard about what mean old Conflict Diamond said and we’re going to cheer you up,” Bait said, before kissing him, sliding her tongue into his mouth and scraping against the backs of his teeth, none of which were his original adult teeth anymore. Captain Hammer had taken care of that over the years. Thank god for dental beams which could convince your gums to regrow your teeth good as new. He leaned into the kiss, feeling his nipples bunch up against the fabric of his shirt, little pings of arousal rolling down his back.
“What she said,” Switch said, but he seemed more interest in removing Billy’s goggles from the top of his head or just smelling his hair. Maybe both.
“Mrphmh,” Billy agreed as his already wild blond hair was mussed up even more by Switch’s fingers and Bait’s tongue played with his own, encouraging him to open up his mouth and snake his tongue into that champagne tasting warmth of hers. It was nice and unexpected. He still didn’t want Hammer’s tongue in Penny’s mouth ever. No, no… think about Switch and Bait. Mmmm…
Switch’s voice was in his ear. “You’re not a prude, Dr. Horrible, you just need to be eased into the waters.” Billy found himself nodding. Yes, yes, that did make a lot of sense. Bait’s fingers began to unbutton the collar of his lab coat. “Yes, you want it… need it… just a nice round of mutual masturbation. And you can remain as virgin as you want.” And then Switch nibbled on his ear lobe, then moved around to the back where his tongue lapped at the one of the faint scars where Billy’s ears had been pinned back years ago, and that was good too.
Billy nodded in agreement as well as he could around Bait’s lip lock. His dick was stirring out of interest in an “I like this sort of way” beneath the double layer of his protective pants and jeans. Damn it if he wasn’t just going rip them off and let Bait and Switch have their dirty way with him. He wouldn’t mind and his erection certainly wouldn’t. Hot, hot, hot, sweat, sweet. Bait nibbled on his lip and Switch slid his hand under Billy’s lab coat and layers of shirts to the hard lean muscle of his abdomen. “Oh, so that’s what you’re hiding beneath your lab coat, Dr. Horrible? I think I like these better than those bulging things Captain Hammer calls muscles.” He preened in response and let Switch’s hands wander down his pants. “That won’t do,” Switch said and licked a long wet swath up the back of his throat. “I’m sure you know what to do.” Billy’s hands unbuttoned his lab coat and he shimmed out of it, along with a symbolic shucking of Dr. Horrible’s grey pants and white boots. “Blue jeans… nice choice. Always liked a man in denim. Shows off his ass and package.”
He felt the need to let his hands wander. No reason for him to be the only one enjoying this. His left hand crept up Bait’s skirt where he used her thong to tease the erect bud of her clitoris. He could feel moisture on his fingers, could feel her moans through her kisses. His right hand crept up slowly and cupped Switch’s erect package; rocking his hand back and forth. The other man popped the button and eased the zipper down on Billy’s jeans like it was nothing. Oh yeah, he could get used to that warm hand ghosting along the sharp line of his hipbone.
The hand continued on its lazy trail down dragging his briefs half way down his thighs. It then teased the thicket of dark blond curls that surrounded his erection. Fingers tiptoed (how did fingers tiptoe anyway?) up his shaft, before drawing the foreskin back and forth, slowly but surely. Billy broke his kiss with Bait and planted one on Switch, nice and long. “You should wear men’s clothing,” he said with a grin, unbuttoning the other man’s fly. “You know… more often. I do like the women’s underwear… sexy.”
And beneath his other hand, Bait twisted and bucked. In his exploration, he had forgotten poor Bait. Poor neglected horny Bait. He pulled back and she kissed him on the lips, long and full. “Don’t worry about it,” he heard Switch say, “I’ve got the situation taken care of.” He pushed Billy’s hand completely away. At which the hand on his dick began to some very interesting twisting motions.
Bait pulled away, lipstick smudged, cheeks flushed. “Don’t worry, Billy.” And he didn’t mind that she hadn’t called him Dr. Horrible or Doc one bit. “This is about you. Enjoy it.”
“I am,” Billy agreed, feeling the twist of fingers not his own around him. “I just feel a little obligated.”
“Less talking,” Bait said and pulled his mouth back on hers, tongue sweeping over his front teeth.
Then he realized she had been riding his outer thigh, when she briefly rose up, her inner labia puffy and slick, the coarse hairs on his skin matted and damp. A keening wail rose from the back of his throat. And when her hands joined Switch’s around his cock, his hips bucked reflexively into that intertwined nest of omigodthereyesandareyouagodorwhat. Their hands continued to milk him even after the last dregs of his orgasm shuddered up his spine and that was oddly erotic in itself. And all through that was Bait’s mouth still probing his own. “That was amazing,” Switch moaned, “God, I came with out touching myself. Like something out of a porn.”
They were kissing him now, licking his twitching skin clean. He leaned back in the chair, belly still aching in a good way. He felt safe, secure, and loved. “Nuh?” Billy remembered asking once in amusement, as well as anyone engaged in a kiss could. He felt drained and floated the away.
Time passed. Alcohol tended to do that to you, the same with acid. He was sure he was sick once or twice. Bait and Switch cared for him and even changed his clothes once. Billy didn’t thank them, just made a slight mmmr noise and nuzzled their hands briefly.
He and his chair moved along a sluggish river that shifted into hangover territory where time speed down and slowed up and oddly that part made sense. “Mmmr?” he said, when small hands shook him. Penny. It must be her… only her hands could be so small and smallish.
“Good morning kiss,” Penny whispered and her copper hair streamed around her face in a halo of light although it was shorter and brighter than the dark russet always had been.
“Morning,” Billy tried to answer back, although it came out as “Muery!”
Penny’s mouth moved against his and a private thrill surged through his spine as her lips parted his and her tongue slipped through his lips. Oh god, she left Captain Hammer. She’s seen what scum he is, she found me, and I’ve won. Oh this is nice. I hope she doesn’t mind that I probably taste like puke, but I think Switch made me gargle.
Moist screamed, “BAIT, GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE DOC’S MOUTH THIS INSTANT!”
And it was shattered. Balls. He wished it was Penny.
---
The morning was awkward.
“I’m sorry, Doc,” Bait was saying as she dabbed hemorrhoid cream under the massive bags under Billy’s eyes. There was an air of caring to her voice. “I had no idea that… I mean you’re still okay with last night, right?” She had been thoroughly admonished by Moist for taking advantage of a drunk man even though nothing more than heavy petting had taken place.
“Tch,” Billy said, in spite of the hangover headache pounding behind his temples, “I wouldn’t have kissed back if I didn’t want it. Moist is Moist. Overprotective little brother and stuff. It felt good… you felt good.” He shrugged.
Bait turned his head this way and that. “Are you sure?” she asked again.
“I told him I was saving myself for her.” Billy let his voice drop, “I haven’t been honest… I’ve had a few blowjobs here, a few fingerings there, given some oral, some hand jobs, never gone all the way.” He bit his lip slightly. “I guess I’m a technical virgin.”
“We seduced you,” she whispered. “But don’t worry, you gargled. I’m not kinky.”
He smiled wanly. “You are so good to me. You made sure that I took my contacts out and didn’t inhale my own puke. I liked it. Better than drugs.”
For the last few hours they had treated him like he had been made out of napalm. Billy didn’t mind the TLC the day after. Conflict Diamond had given him a professional shave with a straight razor that left his skin silky smooth without all of those nicks and scrapes when he did it himself, Purple Pimp had brought in a new pair of Doc Martens for him even Billy still had plenty of use left in his current ones, and Pink Pummeler had given him a stuffed unicorn which was a lot different than his offers to watch the Blu-Ray version of The Wizard of Oz at his place. He didn’t want to think about the last one too much.
“Seriously,” he said, “You guys are too good to me. Thanks.” The blurs of everyone in the room seemed to shudder. “What?’
“Your glare creeps me out,” said Conflict Diamond, who looked like he wanted to use Billy’s old shrink ray to shrink himself nothing and crawl under the giant chair. “I’m sorry I called you Doctor Prude.”
It clicked. “I’m not glaring. I can’t see a thing. Can someone get my contacts?”
The blur that might be Switch or Bait (or maybe it was a moving blur) was off like a scared little shot put and Billy wondered how scary his squint was, debated looking in a mirror, and realized all he would be a pink blur. Being near-sighted sucked. The moving blur was back in a second and pressed his contact case into his hand with his eye drops. “Thanks.” A few blinks later, he was able to add, “Switch.”
The room relaxed and Billy straightened his freshly cleaned lab coat and adjusted his newly polished goggles, before standing to address the group. “Okay, so we said we would be meeting at The Big Box of Tools at noon tomorrow… it is now…” he paused and looked at the clock… “Ten. This gives us about two hours to hop into Purple Pimp’s Chrysler, it seats about…”
“Twenty,” the Purple Pimp supplied with a wave of his be-ringed hand.
Billy clapped his hands and swung his hip to the left, despite his headache. “So hurry up and bring your jukebox money. The love shack is a little old place/ where we can get together/ love shack baby-“ He stopped in mid-song once he realized everyone was staring. “Oh come on, it was a perfect lead in.”
“The eighties are dead,” Conflict said.
“I felt a bit hijacked,” the Purple Pimp added. “Although you should think about doing your evil monologue in song… that might score you originality points. It worked for the Cowboy Chorus and now they don’t have to do anything.”
“How did you do that with a hangover?” Bait asked.
“He was in glee club,” Moist supplied.
Billy hushed them all, with a wave of his hand. He was getting good at this super-villain business. Eat your undead, unbeating heart out, Dead Bowie. “We’ll all pile inside of his oversized car… actually, we should be moving at this very instant… so go!”
It was all going according to plan until…
“DR. HORRIBLE, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE UP THERE IN YOUR EVIL LAIR PLOTTING EVIL PLOTS!”
How redundant could you get? It was annoying too. That voice was like nails on a chalkboard, like fire on his hangover. Billy snapped his goggles over his eyes. “Someone figure out who it is… hurry, hurry, hurry.”
Conflict Diamond rushed over to the kitchen window, looked out, and rushed back to report. “It’s not Captain Hammer.”
“I SHALL STOP YOU AT EVERY TURN, I AM THE MENANCE TO YOUR MALACE.”
“Well, I can tell by the douche tone,” Billy said, chewing his lip bloody. “Duh.”
“I AM THE TERROR THE FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!”
“It is some guy in a blue thinsulate parka.” Conflict said, waving his hand back at the window, “Who can only rip off Darkwing Duck.”
“I loved Darkwing Duck,” Switch said and looked at the window or rather the general direction of it, “So he’s the guy sending you all of those weird e-mails?”
“SURRENDER NOW AND MY MERCY WILL BE GENTLE UNLIKE HAMMER FOR I, JOHNNY SNOW, AM FAIR AS THE SNOW!”
Billy nodded and swore he could feel his brains shift. “Yes, every single one of them. Mr. Waited for Me and Whined When I Didn’t Show Up. That guy.”
Moist cracked up. He pounded against his thighs with squishy sounding beats. “Bwahaha. He really thinks he’s your nemesis.”
“I TRACKED YOUR IP TO THIS GENERAL LOCATION AND I WILL KNOCK ON ALL OF THESE DOORS UNTIL I FIND YOU AND TEACH YOU CRIME DOES NOT PAY!”
Billy pushed up his goggles once again to his forehead. “Oh God, we need him out of the way. Pink Pummeler… can you take care of him for me?”
The Pink Pummeler looked a bit reluctant and apprehensive as he gazed at the pile of stuffed animals on Billy’s couch. “Will you take care of my plushies?”
“Hey,” Billy said, patting the guy on his beefy shoulder, “I’ll let you come back to retrieve them.”
“But…”
Billy gripped Pink Pummeler’s boxing gloves. He had to come up with a plan and quick, before his own plan fell through. “Look... don’t you sense him on your gaydar?”
“I do, but the heist…”
“JOHNNY SNOW’S NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!”
“He’s annoying,” Conflict was saying to Moist, shaking his head full of dreadlocks.
“We’ve gotten used to his pile of junk,” Moist said, “But if we don’t read a letter from him, we get a complaint, so he’s kind of become part of the blog like it or not.”
“So that’s how it is.” Conflict might have said over Johnny’s screaming.
“That’s how it is.” Moist might have replied. Billy didn’t know. Stupid screaming.
“We need your help to get him out of the way.” And Billy needed Johnny not to be screaming and making his headache worse. “Do it for the team.” All he got was head shaking. “Do it for Broadway.” More shaking. Damn. He leaned in close and whispered, “Do it for Liza Minnelli, Pink Pummeler. Make her proud.”
The Pink Pummeler’s head shot up, eyes full of tears. It was very laughable. It took everything Billy had not to giggle at least. “Of course, Dr. Horrible,” the homophobic villain blubbered, “I’ll do it for Liza. How could I not?”
Billy opened the door for him and waved him through. With a roar and a bound, the Pink Pummler barreled. Billy could hear the thump whump of his wrestling boots down all six flights of stairs, the slamming of the door. “Wait for it,” he said, holding up one gloved finger.
“AH, A LUCHA LIBRE… BETTER KNOWN AS A MEXICAN WRESTLER…. HAVE YOU SEEN DR. HORRIBLE, WE ARE DUE FOR A REMATCH!”
Billy rubbed his temples, feeling his headache lighten just a little considering what was about to come up. “How can you have a rematch if you never had a match? Idiot. Tch. Let’s get going. We have less than two hours with LA’s traffic and all.”
“WHY IS THAT A FUZZY NAVEL? I MUST REFUSE FOR I AM ON THE JOB!”
And with the passion of a thousand suns, although not with proper pitch, Pink Pummeler’s Voice rang out, “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW!”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? AHHH!” And all fell silent, save for the triumphant song of one pink-clad man fading into the distance.
With an air of triumph and a gloved finger in the air, Billy was able to say, “And that is how you stop Johnny Snow. To The Big Box of Tools!”
---
The Big Box of Tools really did look like a big box of… well… tools. For Billy, big box stores were everything wrong with the world and the status not being quo. “Look at it… open twenty-four seven, no union, bad health coverage, and all so people can have cheap building supplies.” He waved his hand at the whole layout, a look of disgust on his face.
“I like the prices,” Purple Pimp said. Billy glared at him. “But I can still rob them… status quo and all.”
“It looks like a toolbox,” Moist said. He had that look of not knowing why Billy had dragged him out of the house. “You think Captain Hammer owns it?”
Billy did a full-bodied shudder from his head to his booted toes. “Yeesh, I hope not. I’d never look at the clean lines of a blow torch the same way.” When he was greeted with odd looks from the group, he was forced to add, “Not in that way, it’s not Wonderflonium.” He waved his hands and with a burst of fire, pulled out his list. “Okay, Purple Pimp and Conflict Diamond… I am going to need you two get the items on this list. Every one… don’t cheap out… Wonderflonium wasn’t meant to bounce.”
“I can dig that,” Conflict said and tucked the list in his pocket.
“Okay, Moist,” Billy continued with his grand scheme to rob The Big Box of Tools, “Your part in the scheme will be-“
“Look Doc,” Moist said quickly, wringing his hands together with a waterfall effect, “I’m not sure moisture falls into the equation. Maybe I can be the look out or something.’
Billy shook his head. “Sorry… look out will go to Bait and Switch, who will seduce anyone who tries to interrupt us.” He clapped his hand on Moist’s jacketed shoulder. “It will be your job to make sure the customers and employees keep slipping and sliding out of our way… think you can do that?”
It was worth it to see Moist’s face light up like that time Billy had gotten him a new waterproof camera as a Chanukah present. “Really, Doc? That’s awesome. Beyond awesome… I might faint.”
“Hey, hey,” he said, “Don’t do that now.” And Billy patted Moist’s shoulder again. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us.”
Billy walked toward the cart area where Conflict Diamond and the Purple Pimp were standing, both surrounded in a fair amount of cigar smoke. “How’s it hanging?” Conflict asked again.
Purple Pimp smashed him up the head with his pimp cane and sent the slender man reeling. “So we figured we can sneak in and surprise them with a smoke bomb. We get in and get out with all of the parts.” Purple Pimp said while stroking his evil facial hair.
“Did you have to hit so hard? He knows I was jossing him.” Conflict rubbed his head and added. “That way we can get out no problems…” He swept out his hand and added, “So what do you think, Dr. Horrible?”
“Hrmmm,” Billy said, pondering it over and adjusted his goggles. “I don’t like it.” He frowned. “It doesn’t have flash. I say we do it my way. Robbery-ho!” He yelled and ran into the entrance full tilt.
“I hate when he does that high pitched voice,” Conflict Diamond complained, but followed Billy close behind.
“Me too,” said Purple Pimp.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Doc,” Moist said, “He’s constantly, consistently insane.” There was a grin from ear to ear on his pale, sweaty face.
Billy felt a grin crack his face. He could feel it. He as Dr. Horrible was in his element. “Perhaps you are wondering why we are all here. Well… today is your lucky day, because,” he pointed with a flourish, “Today you get robbed by a man with a PhD in Horribleness. Dr. Horrible.” There was silence. “Aren’t you guys going to scream in fear or anything? It would be hugely helpful.”
The clerk at the cashier popped and chewed her gum in her own world until she found herself head over heels in the tub of super balls. She blinked a few times and screamed. Billy kissed the antigravity gun. Had to love it. “We are evil people,” he added. “Conflict Diamond, Purple Pimp… cover the list… Moist… do your moisture thing…” Billy was in his element within a few seconds. “You… underpaid hired help!”
The pimply-faced clerk scrambled over as fast as he could. “Hey, you’re Dr. Horrible. I watch your blog. Did you call me?” The look on his face was utter fanboy joy.
“Yeah. Over here.” He tried to snap his fingers forgetting that he had yet to master the art of gloved finger snapping. “Give me one extra large case of Red Bull and I’ve got a friend who sweats like crazy,” he pointed at Moist who waved from the entrance, “So you can imagine he goes through electrolytes like crazy. So can you get him a Gatorade or something, before I send you up into the ceiling?” He looked over at Moist. “What flavor? Yellow or red?” He didn’t really know the flavors, since he didn’t drink the stuff.
Moist shrugged. “Okay… red and yellow aren’t flavors and two. Two… you should cut down on your Red Bull habit. You drink fifty of those things a day and it makes you twitch and jumpy and shit. And also, I don’t like Gatorade.”
“Pfft, you don’t know you say,” Billy waved him off and adjusted his goggles as said clerk walked up. “Gimme.” He grabbed the crate of Red Bull and studied it. “One hundred cans… I can make this thing last for two whole days… awesome.”
Behind him, he could see Moist grab, drop, grab, drop his bottle before the clerk had some pity on him and stuck the thing in a bag. “So, are you going to give me an autograph or something in return for Red Bull?” Mr. Annoying, as Billy dubbed him now, asked.
Purple Pimp went by with a box of the parts he needed for the freeze ray’s base, whooping with joy. “Come on, Doc, shake your tail and get out of here!” he called out.
Conflict Diamond rushed by with a roll of a twenty-foot roll of bubble wrap wrapped around him like a feather boa, ends trailing behind him. Billy wasn’t sure he wanted to know the story behind that. Moist slipped by him and then it was just him, the geek, and the tool superstore of scared shoppers. He leaned in closely. “Hell no! Do I look like Captain Hammer? I’m evil! That should tell you everything. E-V-I-L.” And with that, Billy spun on his toes, crate secure beneath his arm and ran out the door and right for the pimpmobile.
He slid across the seat to a spot Moist hadn’t been occupying. The guy was his best friend, but he drew the line at sitting in the guy’s damp puddles. Moist grinned. “So how are things going?”
Billy grinned from ear to ear. There was nothing that could rain on his day besides his hangover. “Life of crime. Heist of my life tomorrow. All around high five!” He held out his hand and had everyone high five him before setting it back down. He did have to wipe his hand on his lab coat after Moist’s high five and before he high fived Bait.
“You should put flames on the stand,” Purple Pimp said, as he turned his pimp can in time with the beat “And some bounce to it… oh yeah, Wonderflonium.”
“Or fake diamonds,” Conflict Diamond added, still obsessed with his bubble wrap. Billy decided he didn’t want know the story behind that one. “It would make the display bitching.’
“No and no,” Billy said, waving his arms and shaking his head, “It’s my stand.” He didn’t want the purity of his freeze ray to be ruined by jet flames or fake diamonds. “So what are you going to do for the rest of the afternoon?”
Moist shrugged and gulped down his red-flavored Gatorade. “I dunno. Hang out. The usual.” He looked over at Billy. “It was a great heist today… you really did good on passing on duties to everyone involved like a real super-villain.”
Billy scratched back of his head, knocking his goggles crooked. The rest of the gang had fallen in their own meaningless conversations, leaving him and Moist to have their own private chat. It really did feel like old times. “Thanks, Moist. That’s the best news that any best friend or henchman could give their wingman or boss.”
“Hey, Bi- Doc.”
Billy’s head shot up. That was been the first time in a long time that Moist had slipped on his nickname. “What is it, Moist?”
“When you become an member of the ELE… what if we can’t be friends anymore? What if you and I can only be master and servant? No more fun… no more just hanging out. No more Us.” Moist’s voice was sad and a bit regretful. “Just You, Them, and Moist.”
“I don’t think that will happen.” He straightened his goggles and sat up straight. “Oi, there’s the Pummeler, I’ve got to let him in to get his plushie collection before he splinters in our front door.” He drummed on the seat in front of him. “Stop the car, Purple Pimp!”
Pink Pummeler was sitting on a yard chair, a furry boa around his neck, as he licked an enormous lollipop. Billy was well aware of the connotations involved as the Pimp of All things Purple Shaded slowed down in front of his apartment. “Hey, Pinky,” he said, hoisting his box of stolen merchandise from the car and hopping out. He could have opened the door, but hopping out seemed more fun. “How long have you been waiting?”
Billy nearly found himself the receiver of a long island ice tea before the pink-clad wrestler tucked the glass back in the whatever space he pulled his alcoholic drinks from. “Sorry, Doc. You know as well as I do that it’s an old force of habit. You just sing, dance, skip, pick wildflowers, hang around in bars, talk in a high-pitched voice on occasion, that lab coat really does look like a dress, and occasionally kiss dudes. It’s not me; it’s the homophobia talking… really. I was this close to breaking out into Oklahoma… okay?” His boxing gloves tangled with each other. “I just miss my fluffy babies.”
If it had been anyone other than the Pink Pummeler, Billy would have been pissed to the point of smashing a television set. Not one of those flat screens, but one of those old fashion CRTs for the nice crash thud they made when he threw them down against the concrete. “It’s okay. I’ll go retrieve your toys.”
“Really?” Pink Pummeler’s eyes teared up behind his mask. “Gosh, Doc, that’s really sweet of you.” He swiped at them with one of his gloves. “I’ll take that box for you.”
“Er… I can always do that… antigravity ray and all.” A quick look at the gauge revealed it had been drained dry. “Balls. Have at it,” Billy said and passed the box over to the pink-clad villain. He waved over at the Purple Pimp. “Hey, could you wait for the Pink Pummeler to get back with his collection?” He pointed back at the pink menace already lumbering up the stairs.
“Only if he speeds his butt up,” Purple Pimp said, pointing at his watch.
Billy ambled up the stairs to his apartment. The Pummeler had beaten him to his door and was bringing his fist back to punch it in. “WAIT!”
Like magic, the oaf turned around. “Doc, I thought you never would get here. My babies are trapped inside. My babies!” All of this was said in a rather plaintive voice like the man thought the stuffed animals were alive and the building was on fire. “I know you can get them out.”
Billy calmly unlocked the door and popped it open.
“Amazing,” the easily amused villain said, “You can pick locks.”
Billy didn’t bother correcting him, only worked on dragging his box of stolen loot inside his apartment. “Yes, I can pick locks.” And that was true. He didn’t think using a key counted.
The Pink Pummeler managed to wrangle his entire of stuffed animals inside of his pocket. Toward the end, Billy noticed that one of the animals was in fact a curled asleep Trogdor and successfully rescued the ferret from pocket space. “Pink Pummeler, this is not a plushie!”
“It looks like a plushie,” Pummeler said, poking the ferret’s fuzzy body. “So it must be one.”
Even after Trogdor yawned and shifted in Billy’s grip, the Pink Pummeler was still not convinced, so he finally deadpanned, “Yes, it’s the plushie my gran-gran gave me. I can’t sleep without it.” It was a flat out lie, but anything to get him to leave.
“Okay.” Pummeler finally accepted this point of view. “It’s always nice to have a favorite toy. Good luck at the Super Hero Memorial Bridge. Oh and I’ve got a favor. When you get in the ELE, put in a good word for me? I could be Bad Horse’s mare.”
Sigh. “I’ll try.” Billy said, trying to get the fool to see the point. He wasn’t about to let the Pink Pummeler into the ELE anytime soon. “They’re going to leave if you don’t get going.”
“Oh. Oh. Well… good luck and all that.”
The door finally closed, giving Billy the peace and quiet he deserved. He leaned against the door and locked both locks. “Just you and me, Trogdor,” he said. “Just you and me and my welding tools.”
The ferret nuzzled into his arm and Billy smiled. He was such a simple animal with simple needs. If only humans could be that way. Well, not him, he would need his brain in the new world order and not Penny, never Penny, by his side. Billy walked back to his bedroom and tucked the ferret into his habit. “Give me one more day and we will have everything we could ever want or need… okay?”
Billy sauntered back to main room over the access wheel. “Oh yeah… there will be mad science tonight!” With a spin of the wheel, his lab was revealed. “Going to show the ELE what Dr. Horrible is made of.”
…to be continued
Part: 3B/?
By: Lilithisbitter
Rating: MA (Lemon/Disturbing Themes/Darkfic)
Word Count: 13,000 (Post I and II combined)
Pairing: Horrible/Penny/Hammer, Horrible/Johnny Snow (One-sided), Horrible/Bait/Switch
Spoiler: For All Three Acts of Doctor Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Comic Book Backstory Not Used
Summary: One part continuation, one part alternate universe, shake and stir. A bounced Wonderflonium accident disrupts events in not one but two parallel timelines and forces Billy to pony up to his inner demons.
Previous Chapters
I. The Reign of Dr. Horrible
II. Warning: Don't Bounce
III. Penny for Your Thoughts, Hopes, and Dreams Part I [1]
Because of LJ Post Restrictions, Part III is in 2 Parts...
Continued from Part 3A...
Except for one sleeping ferret, Billy had the apartment to himself. He spent the afternoon in the lab, sliding in the last microfilament connections to the Wonderflonium. It was a marvel to work with and a bit on the arousing side with that pulsing blue-silver light so most scientists could only work with it in ten-minute bursts before they lost most of their inhibitions and decided to masturbate in public. With the last filament in place, he quickly slid the panel in place before he found himself on his lab stool with his safety pants, jeans, and underwear around his ankles again with one hand around his cock, just pumping away until he came in a blurring rush.
When you said you loved Wonderflonium, you Loved Wonderflonium. Not as a sex toy… god no, most Wonderflonium fuel rods, like the one he had stolen, were the size of a can of soda. Plus in addition to Do Not Bounce, the case also came with more warnings…
Do not use as doorstop.
Do not use as postage.
Do not lick.
Do not store at above 300 Degrees.
Do not tease.
Do not poke with sharp object.
Do not leave bad reviews about Wonderflonium on Amazon.com.
And so on…
It was with warnings like these that he kept his head clear and a timer clicking away near his elbow. He had too many almost kisses and oops for another incident to happen. Billy checked the display. “Three seconds. I am good. I am a God.”
He slid his hands out of his gloves and popped his knuckles as he observed his freeze ray with the eye of an artist. Only a genius like him could come up with formula for stopping time, the clean lines of the gun housing all of the components. He was the Steve Jobs of evil scientists; only he didn’t have a turtleneck sweater. Billy pulled the gun close and polished the silver surface, unpeeling the masking taping from display window.
The freeze ray resembled an old fashioned camcorder and a space age ray gun with sword aspects. It was designed to create a bubble of still space for three minutes. Billy figured he had enough time to grab the mayor and if Hammer was caught in the blast… well he would kick the oaf in the nuts. He cradled the gun in his arms and began to strut as only Dr. Horrible could strut. “Oh, I am going to enjoy this so much… no more sharing feelings with Feely the Share Bear… no more blows to the face… my own ELE nameplate… personal masseuse and happy ending… plush chair beneath my butt… Penny by my side… no… she’d be under me… I’d be on her… in her… bye bye virginity… we’d go all the way… and it will be legendary!” He punctuated each pause with a swing of the gun.
Billy spun around to meet the eyes of Moist. “Heh, heh, Doc,” Moist said, looking not at all innocent in his soggy party hat. “Nice gloat.”
Moist wasn’t alone. The little arrogant SOB said that he would be away for the whole night. It looked like none of that was going on. Instead their apartment looked like a frat house. Conflict Diamond was setting up stacks of pizza on his metal chemistry table in the main room while Bait and Switch were rolling in a keg. Purple Pimp had a sizable crowed of women around him, all in various stages of undress, but that was to be expected. And on the couch, Pink Pummeler sat, surrounded by his collection of plush animals. Billy was sure that he could hear a show tune escape the homophobe villain’s mouth and a cosmopolitan in his hand. “It’s a party for the slamming man of the hour,” Purple Pimp said, “You couldn’t come to the club, so we brought the club to you.”
Billy almost made a bolt back for his large comfy chair.
“Hey Doc,” Conflict Diamond said from the corner of the room. Billy waved back. And on cue, came his standard greeting. “How’s it hanging?”
“Okay I guess.”
He liked Conflict okay, a slim black man, shorter than himself, a little taller than Moist, always in a suit covered in diamond colored dust. He had the odd power to turn diamonds into cubic zirconium, which was mean, but not exactly evil, but it was oddly thrilling and sexy. Billy had nearly gone all the way with Conflict, but pulled back at the last minute with the other man’s lubed fingers up his ass and his tongue pulling at the piercing in his navel, which sounded awkward and yet had him like putty in Conflict’s hands. So yeah… it was awkward to say the least. When Conflict Diamond asked, “How’s it hanging?” he knew, he had seen it.
“Well, that’s good, Doc,” Conflict said, waving him over. “I haven’t seen you for a while.”
Billy walked over and Conflict Diamond handed him a Corona from the supply on the table. There was already a baseline thumping from the stereo system someone brought in and a smoky scent in the air from the Purple Pimp’s Cuban cigars. “I’ve been busy with science stuff,” he said and gulped back his beer.
“Well,” Conflict said with more than air of triumph and Billy decided he didn’t like Conflict as much as he thought he did. “It does take a lot of hard work to be a tease.”
Billy found a reason to straighten his lab coat. “I’m not a tease. I’m just looking for the right person and I think I’ve found her.” He said before gulping down his beer dregs before following it up with a Red Bull chaser. “I can’t be bothered to drop trou for everyone with a good smile and a condom.”
Conflict’s smile widened. “Oh you do, but then you back out. That’s our cute little Dr. Prude. Virgin with a dash of slut.”
“I was nervous-” Billy began.
“You never seem all that nervous with a few beers in you, bumping and grinding. You always release your inner manslut. The problem is… you can’t pay up.”
He could feel his ears burn, could hear the snickers in the air. “Oh, shut up.” Billy pushed passed him, grabbing for whatever he could, which turned out to be more bottles of beer. Lucky him.
Billy opened the lab’s entrance just enough to squeeze though. The lights, as usual, came on automatically, bathing him in the neon glow. Conflict’s chuckles still echoed in his ears as he found his chair, beer bottles clutched in his hands like a lifeline. Billy set them down and pulled himself up, sure that the unwanted party had traveled into the kitchen where they were using his tools without permission. Pop, gulp, pop, gulp. This was how it should have been… one man drunken party. Billy belched and wiped at his mouth with his lab coat’s sleeve. Yep, feel that warmth and that glow. Didn’t have to think that he was the man, he was the man. Just him and his drunken self. His wussy lightweight self. And yet, he had Dr. Horrble’s confidence and strong speaking voice and Billy’s gentleness. Go him. The perfect William… odd to think of himself by his full name.
“So there you are!” two voices rang out in harmony and they were the voices his drunken lightweight mind wanted to hear.
Bait and Switch’s heads popped over the edge of the chair. Bait’s hair was dyed a bright red and Switch’s natural red hair was blue again, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that Switch, was really a dude who most of the time wore a dress, whose job was to make politicians look gay, he was just really glad to see them. Billy’s face broke into a wide grin as his goggles fell over one ear. “Bait and Switch! The two cutest widdle criminals in the world! Yay!”
They shared in his glee as he pulled them up into his huge chair and they hugged for a moment. “We heard about what mean old Conflict Diamond said and we’re going to cheer you up,” Bait said, before kissing him, sliding her tongue into his mouth and scraping against the backs of his teeth, none of which were his original adult teeth anymore. Captain Hammer had taken care of that over the years. Thank god for dental beams which could convince your gums to regrow your teeth good as new. He leaned into the kiss, feeling his nipples bunch up against the fabric of his shirt, little pings of arousal rolling down his back.
“What she said,” Switch said, but he seemed more interest in removing Billy’s goggles from the top of his head or just smelling his hair. Maybe both.
“Mrphmh,” Billy agreed as his already wild blond hair was mussed up even more by Switch’s fingers and Bait’s tongue played with his own, encouraging him to open up his mouth and snake his tongue into that champagne tasting warmth of hers. It was nice and unexpected. He still didn’t want Hammer’s tongue in Penny’s mouth ever. No, no… think about Switch and Bait. Mmmm…
Switch’s voice was in his ear. “You’re not a prude, Dr. Horrible, you just need to be eased into the waters.” Billy found himself nodding. Yes, yes, that did make a lot of sense. Bait’s fingers began to unbutton the collar of his lab coat. “Yes, you want it… need it… just a nice round of mutual masturbation. And you can remain as virgin as you want.” And then Switch nibbled on his ear lobe, then moved around to the back where his tongue lapped at the one of the faint scars where Billy’s ears had been pinned back years ago, and that was good too.
Billy nodded in agreement as well as he could around Bait’s lip lock. His dick was stirring out of interest in an “I like this sort of way” beneath the double layer of his protective pants and jeans. Damn it if he wasn’t just going rip them off and let Bait and Switch have their dirty way with him. He wouldn’t mind and his erection certainly wouldn’t. Hot, hot, hot, sweat, sweet. Bait nibbled on his lip and Switch slid his hand under Billy’s lab coat and layers of shirts to the hard lean muscle of his abdomen. “Oh, so that’s what you’re hiding beneath your lab coat, Dr. Horrible? I think I like these better than those bulging things Captain Hammer calls muscles.” He preened in response and let Switch’s hands wander down his pants. “That won’t do,” Switch said and licked a long wet swath up the back of his throat. “I’m sure you know what to do.” Billy’s hands unbuttoned his lab coat and he shimmed out of it, along with a symbolic shucking of Dr. Horrible’s grey pants and white boots. “Blue jeans… nice choice. Always liked a man in denim. Shows off his ass and package.”
He felt the need to let his hands wander. No reason for him to be the only one enjoying this. His left hand crept up Bait’s skirt where he used her thong to tease the erect bud of her clitoris. He could feel moisture on his fingers, could feel her moans through her kisses. His right hand crept up slowly and cupped Switch’s erect package; rocking his hand back and forth. The other man popped the button and eased the zipper down on Billy’s jeans like it was nothing. Oh yeah, he could get used to that warm hand ghosting along the sharp line of his hipbone.
The hand continued on its lazy trail down dragging his briefs half way down his thighs. It then teased the thicket of dark blond curls that surrounded his erection. Fingers tiptoed (how did fingers tiptoe anyway?) up his shaft, before drawing the foreskin back and forth, slowly but surely. Billy broke his kiss with Bait and planted one on Switch, nice and long. “You should wear men’s clothing,” he said with a grin, unbuttoning the other man’s fly. “You know… more often. I do like the women’s underwear… sexy.”
And beneath his other hand, Bait twisted and bucked. In his exploration, he had forgotten poor Bait. Poor neglected horny Bait. He pulled back and she kissed him on the lips, long and full. “Don’t worry about it,” he heard Switch say, “I’ve got the situation taken care of.” He pushed Billy’s hand completely away. At which the hand on his dick began to some very interesting twisting motions.
Bait pulled away, lipstick smudged, cheeks flushed. “Don’t worry, Billy.” And he didn’t mind that she hadn’t called him Dr. Horrible or Doc one bit. “This is about you. Enjoy it.”
“I am,” Billy agreed, feeling the twist of fingers not his own around him. “I just feel a little obligated.”
“Less talking,” Bait said and pulled his mouth back on hers, tongue sweeping over his front teeth.
Then he realized she had been riding his outer thigh, when she briefly rose up, her inner labia puffy and slick, the coarse hairs on his skin matted and damp. A keening wail rose from the back of his throat. And when her hands joined Switch’s around his cock, his hips bucked reflexively into that intertwined nest of omigodthereyesandareyouagodorwhat. Their hands continued to milk him even after the last dregs of his orgasm shuddered up his spine and that was oddly erotic in itself. And all through that was Bait’s mouth still probing his own. “That was amazing,” Switch moaned, “God, I came with out touching myself. Like something out of a porn.”
They were kissing him now, licking his twitching skin clean. He leaned back in the chair, belly still aching in a good way. He felt safe, secure, and loved. “Nuh?” Billy remembered asking once in amusement, as well as anyone engaged in a kiss could. He felt drained and floated the away.
Time passed. Alcohol tended to do that to you, the same with acid. He was sure he was sick once or twice. Bait and Switch cared for him and even changed his clothes once. Billy didn’t thank them, just made a slight mmmr noise and nuzzled their hands briefly.
He and his chair moved along a sluggish river that shifted into hangover territory where time speed down and slowed up and oddly that part made sense. “Mmmr?” he said, when small hands shook him. Penny. It must be her… only her hands could be so small and smallish.
“Good morning kiss,” Penny whispered and her copper hair streamed around her face in a halo of light although it was shorter and brighter than the dark russet always had been.
“Morning,” Billy tried to answer back, although it came out as “Muery!”
Penny’s mouth moved against his and a private thrill surged through his spine as her lips parted his and her tongue slipped through his lips. Oh god, she left Captain Hammer. She’s seen what scum he is, she found me, and I’ve won. Oh this is nice. I hope she doesn’t mind that I probably taste like puke, but I think Switch made me gargle.
Moist screamed, “BAIT, GET YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE DOC’S MOUTH THIS INSTANT!”
And it was shattered. Balls. He wished it was Penny.
---
The morning was awkward.
“I’m sorry, Doc,” Bait was saying as she dabbed hemorrhoid cream under the massive bags under Billy’s eyes. There was an air of caring to her voice. “I had no idea that… I mean you’re still okay with last night, right?” She had been thoroughly admonished by Moist for taking advantage of a drunk man even though nothing more than heavy petting had taken place.
“Tch,” Billy said, in spite of the hangover headache pounding behind his temples, “I wouldn’t have kissed back if I didn’t want it. Moist is Moist. Overprotective little brother and stuff. It felt good… you felt good.” He shrugged.
Bait turned his head this way and that. “Are you sure?” she asked again.
“I told him I was saving myself for her.” Billy let his voice drop, “I haven’t been honest… I’ve had a few blowjobs here, a few fingerings there, given some oral, some hand jobs, never gone all the way.” He bit his lip slightly. “I guess I’m a technical virgin.”
“We seduced you,” she whispered. “But don’t worry, you gargled. I’m not kinky.”
He smiled wanly. “You are so good to me. You made sure that I took my contacts out and didn’t inhale my own puke. I liked it. Better than drugs.”
For the last few hours they had treated him like he had been made out of napalm. Billy didn’t mind the TLC the day after. Conflict Diamond had given him a professional shave with a straight razor that left his skin silky smooth without all of those nicks and scrapes when he did it himself, Purple Pimp had brought in a new pair of Doc Martens for him even Billy still had plenty of use left in his current ones, and Pink Pummeler had given him a stuffed unicorn which was a lot different than his offers to watch the Blu-Ray version of The Wizard of Oz at his place. He didn’t want to think about the last one too much.
“Seriously,” he said, “You guys are too good to me. Thanks.” The blurs of everyone in the room seemed to shudder. “What?’
“Your glare creeps me out,” said Conflict Diamond, who looked like he wanted to use Billy’s old shrink ray to shrink himself nothing and crawl under the giant chair. “I’m sorry I called you Doctor Prude.”
It clicked. “I’m not glaring. I can’t see a thing. Can someone get my contacts?”
The blur that might be Switch or Bait (or maybe it was a moving blur) was off like a scared little shot put and Billy wondered how scary his squint was, debated looking in a mirror, and realized all he would be a pink blur. Being near-sighted sucked. The moving blur was back in a second and pressed his contact case into his hand with his eye drops. “Thanks.” A few blinks later, he was able to add, “Switch.”
The room relaxed and Billy straightened his freshly cleaned lab coat and adjusted his newly polished goggles, before standing to address the group. “Okay, so we said we would be meeting at The Big Box of Tools at noon tomorrow… it is now…” he paused and looked at the clock… “Ten. This gives us about two hours to hop into Purple Pimp’s Chrysler, it seats about…”
“Twenty,” the Purple Pimp supplied with a wave of his be-ringed hand.
Billy clapped his hands and swung his hip to the left, despite his headache. “So hurry up and bring your jukebox money. The love shack is a little old place/ where we can get together/ love shack baby-“ He stopped in mid-song once he realized everyone was staring. “Oh come on, it was a perfect lead in.”
“The eighties are dead,” Conflict said.
“I felt a bit hijacked,” the Purple Pimp added. “Although you should think about doing your evil monologue in song… that might score you originality points. It worked for the Cowboy Chorus and now they don’t have to do anything.”
“How did you do that with a hangover?” Bait asked.
“He was in glee club,” Moist supplied.
Billy hushed them all, with a wave of his hand. He was getting good at this super-villain business. Eat your undead, unbeating heart out, Dead Bowie. “We’ll all pile inside of his oversized car… actually, we should be moving at this very instant… so go!”
It was all going according to plan until…
“DR. HORRIBLE, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE UP THERE IN YOUR EVIL LAIR PLOTTING EVIL PLOTS!”
How redundant could you get? It was annoying too. That voice was like nails on a chalkboard, like fire on his hangover. Billy snapped his goggles over his eyes. “Someone figure out who it is… hurry, hurry, hurry.”
Conflict Diamond rushed over to the kitchen window, looked out, and rushed back to report. “It’s not Captain Hammer.”
“I SHALL STOP YOU AT EVERY TURN, I AM THE MENANCE TO YOUR MALACE.”
“Well, I can tell by the douche tone,” Billy said, chewing his lip bloody. “Duh.”
“I AM THE TERROR THE FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!”
“It is some guy in a blue thinsulate parka.” Conflict said, waving his hand back at the window, “Who can only rip off Darkwing Duck.”
“I loved Darkwing Duck,” Switch said and looked at the window or rather the general direction of it, “So he’s the guy sending you all of those weird e-mails?”
“SURRENDER NOW AND MY MERCY WILL BE GENTLE UNLIKE HAMMER FOR I, JOHNNY SNOW, AM FAIR AS THE SNOW!”
Billy nodded and swore he could feel his brains shift. “Yes, every single one of them. Mr. Waited for Me and Whined When I Didn’t Show Up. That guy.”
Moist cracked up. He pounded against his thighs with squishy sounding beats. “Bwahaha. He really thinks he’s your nemesis.”
“I TRACKED YOUR IP TO THIS GENERAL LOCATION AND I WILL KNOCK ON ALL OF THESE DOORS UNTIL I FIND YOU AND TEACH YOU CRIME DOES NOT PAY!”
Billy pushed up his goggles once again to his forehead. “Oh God, we need him out of the way. Pink Pummeler… can you take care of him for me?”
The Pink Pummeler looked a bit reluctant and apprehensive as he gazed at the pile of stuffed animals on Billy’s couch. “Will you take care of my plushies?”
“Hey,” Billy said, patting the guy on his beefy shoulder, “I’ll let you come back to retrieve them.”
“But…”
Billy gripped Pink Pummeler’s boxing gloves. He had to come up with a plan and quick, before his own plan fell through. “Look... don’t you sense him on your gaydar?”
“I do, but the heist…”
“JOHNNY SNOW’S NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!”
“He’s annoying,” Conflict was saying to Moist, shaking his head full of dreadlocks.
“We’ve gotten used to his pile of junk,” Moist said, “But if we don’t read a letter from him, we get a complaint, so he’s kind of become part of the blog like it or not.”
“So that’s how it is.” Conflict might have said over Johnny’s screaming.
“That’s how it is.” Moist might have replied. Billy didn’t know. Stupid screaming.
“We need your help to get him out of the way.” And Billy needed Johnny not to be screaming and making his headache worse. “Do it for the team.” All he got was head shaking. “Do it for Broadway.” More shaking. Damn. He leaned in close and whispered, “Do it for Liza Minnelli, Pink Pummeler. Make her proud.”
The Pink Pummeler’s head shot up, eyes full of tears. It was very laughable. It took everything Billy had not to giggle at least. “Of course, Dr. Horrible,” the homophobic villain blubbered, “I’ll do it for Liza. How could I not?”
Billy opened the door for him and waved him through. With a roar and a bound, the Pink Pummler barreled. Billy could hear the thump whump of his wrestling boots down all six flights of stairs, the slamming of the door. “Wait for it,” he said, holding up one gloved finger.
“AH, A LUCHA LIBRE… BETTER KNOWN AS A MEXICAN WRESTLER…. HAVE YOU SEEN DR. HORRIBLE, WE ARE DUE FOR A REMATCH!”
Billy rubbed his temples, feeling his headache lighten just a little considering what was about to come up. “How can you have a rematch if you never had a match? Idiot. Tch. Let’s get going. We have less than two hours with LA’s traffic and all.”
“WHY IS THAT A FUZZY NAVEL? I MUST REFUSE FOR I AM ON THE JOB!”
And with the passion of a thousand suns, although not with proper pitch, Pink Pummeler’s Voice rang out, “THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW!”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? AHHH!” And all fell silent, save for the triumphant song of one pink-clad man fading into the distance.
With an air of triumph and a gloved finger in the air, Billy was able to say, “And that is how you stop Johnny Snow. To The Big Box of Tools!”
---
The Big Box of Tools really did look like a big box of… well… tools. For Billy, big box stores were everything wrong with the world and the status not being quo. “Look at it… open twenty-four seven, no union, bad health coverage, and all so people can have cheap building supplies.” He waved his hand at the whole layout, a look of disgust on his face.
“I like the prices,” Purple Pimp said. Billy glared at him. “But I can still rob them… status quo and all.”
“It looks like a toolbox,” Moist said. He had that look of not knowing why Billy had dragged him out of the house. “You think Captain Hammer owns it?”
Billy did a full-bodied shudder from his head to his booted toes. “Yeesh, I hope not. I’d never look at the clean lines of a blow torch the same way.” When he was greeted with odd looks from the group, he was forced to add, “Not in that way, it’s not Wonderflonium.” He waved his hands and with a burst of fire, pulled out his list. “Okay, Purple Pimp and Conflict Diamond… I am going to need you two get the items on this list. Every one… don’t cheap out… Wonderflonium wasn’t meant to bounce.”
“I can dig that,” Conflict said and tucked the list in his pocket.
“Okay, Moist,” Billy continued with his grand scheme to rob The Big Box of Tools, “Your part in the scheme will be-“
“Look Doc,” Moist said quickly, wringing his hands together with a waterfall effect, “I’m not sure moisture falls into the equation. Maybe I can be the look out or something.’
Billy shook his head. “Sorry… look out will go to Bait and Switch, who will seduce anyone who tries to interrupt us.” He clapped his hand on Moist’s jacketed shoulder. “It will be your job to make sure the customers and employees keep slipping and sliding out of our way… think you can do that?”
It was worth it to see Moist’s face light up like that time Billy had gotten him a new waterproof camera as a Chanukah present. “Really, Doc? That’s awesome. Beyond awesome… I might faint.”
“Hey, hey,” he said, “Don’t do that now.” And Billy patted Moist’s shoulder again. “We’ve got a big day ahead of us.”
Billy walked toward the cart area where Conflict Diamond and the Purple Pimp were standing, both surrounded in a fair amount of cigar smoke. “How’s it hanging?” Conflict asked again.
Purple Pimp smashed him up the head with his pimp cane and sent the slender man reeling. “So we figured we can sneak in and surprise them with a smoke bomb. We get in and get out with all of the parts.” Purple Pimp said while stroking his evil facial hair.
“Did you have to hit so hard? He knows I was jossing him.” Conflict rubbed his head and added. “That way we can get out no problems…” He swept out his hand and added, “So what do you think, Dr. Horrible?”
“Hrmmm,” Billy said, pondering it over and adjusted his goggles. “I don’t like it.” He frowned. “It doesn’t have flash. I say we do it my way. Robbery-ho!” He yelled and ran into the entrance full tilt.
“I hate when he does that high pitched voice,” Conflict Diamond complained, but followed Billy close behind.
“Me too,” said Purple Pimp.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Doc,” Moist said, “He’s constantly, consistently insane.” There was a grin from ear to ear on his pale, sweaty face.
Billy felt a grin crack his face. He could feel it. He as Dr. Horrible was in his element. “Perhaps you are wondering why we are all here. Well… today is your lucky day, because,” he pointed with a flourish, “Today you get robbed by a man with a PhD in Horribleness. Dr. Horrible.” There was silence. “Aren’t you guys going to scream in fear or anything? It would be hugely helpful.”
The clerk at the cashier popped and chewed her gum in her own world until she found herself head over heels in the tub of super balls. She blinked a few times and screamed. Billy kissed the antigravity gun. Had to love it. “We are evil people,” he added. “Conflict Diamond, Purple Pimp… cover the list… Moist… do your moisture thing…” Billy was in his element within a few seconds. “You… underpaid hired help!”
The pimply-faced clerk scrambled over as fast as he could. “Hey, you’re Dr. Horrible. I watch your blog. Did you call me?” The look on his face was utter fanboy joy.
“Yeah. Over here.” He tried to snap his fingers forgetting that he had yet to master the art of gloved finger snapping. “Give me one extra large case of Red Bull and I’ve got a friend who sweats like crazy,” he pointed at Moist who waved from the entrance, “So you can imagine he goes through electrolytes like crazy. So can you get him a Gatorade or something, before I send you up into the ceiling?” He looked over at Moist. “What flavor? Yellow or red?” He didn’t really know the flavors, since he didn’t drink the stuff.
Moist shrugged. “Okay… red and yellow aren’t flavors and two. Two… you should cut down on your Red Bull habit. You drink fifty of those things a day and it makes you twitch and jumpy and shit. And also, I don’t like Gatorade.”
“Pfft, you don’t know you say,” Billy waved him off and adjusted his goggles as said clerk walked up. “Gimme.” He grabbed the crate of Red Bull and studied it. “One hundred cans… I can make this thing last for two whole days… awesome.”
Behind him, he could see Moist grab, drop, grab, drop his bottle before the clerk had some pity on him and stuck the thing in a bag. “So, are you going to give me an autograph or something in return for Red Bull?” Mr. Annoying, as Billy dubbed him now, asked.
Purple Pimp went by with a box of the parts he needed for the freeze ray’s base, whooping with joy. “Come on, Doc, shake your tail and get out of here!” he called out.
Conflict Diamond rushed by with a roll of a twenty-foot roll of bubble wrap wrapped around him like a feather boa, ends trailing behind him. Billy wasn’t sure he wanted to know the story behind that. Moist slipped by him and then it was just him, the geek, and the tool superstore of scared shoppers. He leaned in closely. “Hell no! Do I look like Captain Hammer? I’m evil! That should tell you everything. E-V-I-L.” And with that, Billy spun on his toes, crate secure beneath his arm and ran out the door and right for the pimpmobile.
He slid across the seat to a spot Moist hadn’t been occupying. The guy was his best friend, but he drew the line at sitting in the guy’s damp puddles. Moist grinned. “So how are things going?”
Billy grinned from ear to ear. There was nothing that could rain on his day besides his hangover. “Life of crime. Heist of my life tomorrow. All around high five!” He held out his hand and had everyone high five him before setting it back down. He did have to wipe his hand on his lab coat after Moist’s high five and before he high fived Bait.
“You should put flames on the stand,” Purple Pimp said, as he turned his pimp can in time with the beat “And some bounce to it… oh yeah, Wonderflonium.”
“Or fake diamonds,” Conflict Diamond added, still obsessed with his bubble wrap. Billy decided he didn’t want know the story behind that one. “It would make the display bitching.’
“No and no,” Billy said, waving his arms and shaking his head, “It’s my stand.” He didn’t want the purity of his freeze ray to be ruined by jet flames or fake diamonds. “So what are you going to do for the rest of the afternoon?”
Moist shrugged and gulped down his red-flavored Gatorade. “I dunno. Hang out. The usual.” He looked over at Billy. “It was a great heist today… you really did good on passing on duties to everyone involved like a real super-villain.”
Billy scratched back of his head, knocking his goggles crooked. The rest of the gang had fallen in their own meaningless conversations, leaving him and Moist to have their own private chat. It really did feel like old times. “Thanks, Moist. That’s the best news that any best friend or henchman could give their wingman or boss.”
“Hey, Bi- Doc.”
Billy’s head shot up. That was been the first time in a long time that Moist had slipped on his nickname. “What is it, Moist?”
“When you become an member of the ELE… what if we can’t be friends anymore? What if you and I can only be master and servant? No more fun… no more just hanging out. No more Us.” Moist’s voice was sad and a bit regretful. “Just You, Them, and Moist.”
“I don’t think that will happen.” He straightened his goggles and sat up straight. “Oi, there’s the Pummeler, I’ve got to let him in to get his plushie collection before he splinters in our front door.” He drummed on the seat in front of him. “Stop the car, Purple Pimp!”
Pink Pummeler was sitting on a yard chair, a furry boa around his neck, as he licked an enormous lollipop. Billy was well aware of the connotations involved as the Pimp of All things Purple Shaded slowed down in front of his apartment. “Hey, Pinky,” he said, hoisting his box of stolen merchandise from the car and hopping out. He could have opened the door, but hopping out seemed more fun. “How long have you been waiting?”
Billy nearly found himself the receiver of a long island ice tea before the pink-clad wrestler tucked the glass back in the whatever space he pulled his alcoholic drinks from. “Sorry, Doc. You know as well as I do that it’s an old force of habit. You just sing, dance, skip, pick wildflowers, hang around in bars, talk in a high-pitched voice on occasion, that lab coat really does look like a dress, and occasionally kiss dudes. It’s not me; it’s the homophobia talking… really. I was this close to breaking out into Oklahoma… okay?” His boxing gloves tangled with each other. “I just miss my fluffy babies.”
If it had been anyone other than the Pink Pummeler, Billy would have been pissed to the point of smashing a television set. Not one of those flat screens, but one of those old fashion CRTs for the nice crash thud they made when he threw them down against the concrete. “It’s okay. I’ll go retrieve your toys.”
“Really?” Pink Pummeler’s eyes teared up behind his mask. “Gosh, Doc, that’s really sweet of you.” He swiped at them with one of his gloves. “I’ll take that box for you.”
“Er… I can always do that… antigravity ray and all.” A quick look at the gauge revealed it had been drained dry. “Balls. Have at it,” Billy said and passed the box over to the pink-clad villain. He waved over at the Purple Pimp. “Hey, could you wait for the Pink Pummeler to get back with his collection?” He pointed back at the pink menace already lumbering up the stairs.
“Only if he speeds his butt up,” Purple Pimp said, pointing at his watch.
Billy ambled up the stairs to his apartment. The Pummeler had beaten him to his door and was bringing his fist back to punch it in. “WAIT!”
Like magic, the oaf turned around. “Doc, I thought you never would get here. My babies are trapped inside. My babies!” All of this was said in a rather plaintive voice like the man thought the stuffed animals were alive and the building was on fire. “I know you can get them out.”
Billy calmly unlocked the door and popped it open.
“Amazing,” the easily amused villain said, “You can pick locks.”
Billy didn’t bother correcting him, only worked on dragging his box of stolen loot inside his apartment. “Yes, I can pick locks.” And that was true. He didn’t think using a key counted.
The Pink Pummeler managed to wrangle his entire of stuffed animals inside of his pocket. Toward the end, Billy noticed that one of the animals was in fact a curled asleep Trogdor and successfully rescued the ferret from pocket space. “Pink Pummeler, this is not a plushie!”
“It looks like a plushie,” Pummeler said, poking the ferret’s fuzzy body. “So it must be one.”
Even after Trogdor yawned and shifted in Billy’s grip, the Pink Pummeler was still not convinced, so he finally deadpanned, “Yes, it’s the plushie my gran-gran gave me. I can’t sleep without it.” It was a flat out lie, but anything to get him to leave.
“Okay.” Pummeler finally accepted this point of view. “It’s always nice to have a favorite toy. Good luck at the Super Hero Memorial Bridge. Oh and I’ve got a favor. When you get in the ELE, put in a good word for me? I could be Bad Horse’s mare.”
Sigh. “I’ll try.” Billy said, trying to get the fool to see the point. He wasn’t about to let the Pink Pummeler into the ELE anytime soon. “They’re going to leave if you don’t get going.”
“Oh. Oh. Well… good luck and all that.”
The door finally closed, giving Billy the peace and quiet he deserved. He leaned against the door and locked both locks. “Just you and me, Trogdor,” he said. “Just you and me and my welding tools.”
The ferret nuzzled into his arm and Billy smiled. He was such a simple animal with simple needs. If only humans could be that way. Well, not him, he would need his brain in the new world order and not Penny, never Penny, by his side. Billy walked back to his bedroom and tucked the ferret into his habit. “Give me one more day and we will have everything we could ever want or need… okay?”
Billy sauntered back to main room over the access wheel. “Oh yeah… there will be mad science tonight!” With a spin of the wheel, his lab was revealed. “Going to show the ELE what Dr. Horrible is made of.”
…to be continued