I will get some writing done, darn it!
Okay, had a bit of a silly idea knocking about in my brain for a while, so I'm just going to write that puppy up and hope it lights a fire under my muses. Bear with me, please.
Title: The Benefits of Bureaucracy
Author: HonorH
Rating: General Admission, kids
Genre: Craaaack!
Pairing: DupTen/Rose
Spoilers: Up to JE
Summary: Rose likes the "saving the world" bit more with running, but this will have to do.
High-society gatherings among the stars, Rose discovered on her fifth trip out with her half-human husband and their adolescent timeship, weren't terribly different from those on Earth. They were nearly as boring, if more colorful. Unfortunately, as her father's daughter and Earth's official representative, they were her obligation.
She'd just got done talking to a purplish thing with tentacles atop his head when the Doctor approached her with two unctious-looking blue humanoids in tow. "Rose, these Sulippians have, er, an interesting proposition," he said. "I think you ought to give it a listen. Sir, Madam, I present my wife, Rose Tyler of Torchwood and Earth's official Goodwill Ambassador."
Rose cringed inwardly. Whenever he was this polite, it meant someone was about to say something that would make her head explode. Figuratively. The one time anyone had been able to do it literally, he hadn't allowed the thing to get a word in edgewise. Thank the stars for polite monsters (with hypersonic voices).
Besides, he had that glint in his eye, the one that meant he expected to be amused by whatever was about to ensue.
The smaller of the two humanoids held out its--her?--hand. "Rose Tyler of Torchwood, it is such an honor to meet you. I am Pell, and this is my partner, Mell."
"Pell and Mell?" Rose asked, eyebrows shooting up into her fringe (she was trying a new haircut; it remained to be seen whether it took). She glanced at the Doctor, who gave her the precise lift of one eyebrow that meant, "Yes, they're perfectly serious." Rose quashed her urge to laugh and took the female's hand. "Pleasure to meet you both. The Doctor said something about a proposition?"
"Yes." Pell smiled, looking like she was just about to present Rose with the keys to a new zeppelin. "We have decided that we would like to invade Earth!"
"Excuse me?" Rose blurted. She couldn't have just said--
"We Sulippians would like to invade your planet," Pell rephrased. It didn't sound any better to Rose's ears. "Everything we've heard about Earth has been so positive. So much space, so many resources, such diversity--it's positively begging to be exploited, and we'd love to get in before anyone else does, if it's all right with you."
Rose sought out her husband's eyes to find his poker face completely intact. He made the minute motion of his head that indicated she should hear them out before voicing any objections.
Mell spoke up next. "We understand your planet's been the subject of invading fleets before, most recently the Sycorax. Please don't take their rudeness as an indication of the manners of the galaxy at large! Reasonable beings such as ourselves would never dream of just showing up unannounced and demanding your surrender."
"I think you'll find we make an excellent occupying force," Pell said, picking up Mell's thread. "We offer limited technology-sharing and limited sovereignty as well as compensation for any damages or lives lost during the invasion itself, which we hope won't be too unpleasant for your people. Furthermore, once your period of indenture (the standard is 200 solar years) is up, you'd be allowed to apply to become a full member of the Sulip Hegemony. If it all goes smoothly, we believe everyone can come out of an invasion ahead. In fact, we've drawn up an invasion plan for your perusal, and if you'll be so kind as to sign off on it, we'll get our fleet amassed and be in your system by the next lunar cycle." Pell presented her with a hardcopy readout.
"A-all right," Rose managed. The Doctor's poker face hadn't budged an inch, so she took the hardcopy and said, "Doctor, perhaps you'd like to take a look as well?"
"Certainly." He pulled out his glasses and moved to her side, where he began to read over her shoulder.
Rose was a little too distracted by the absurdity of the situation to read very quickly. She sincerely hoped the Doctor knew what he was doing.
After a few moments, the Doctor made a disapproving noise. "Oh, dear," he said, tapping the readout. "Using the Northwest Territories as a staging ground? I'm afraid that won't do at all. Will it, Rose?"
She thought she might be catching on to what he was doing. "Yeah, I couldn't sign off on that."
Pell and Mell, who'd been positively beaming with pride, looked so dismayed Rose almost felt sorry for them. "Really?" asked Mell. "What's wrong with it? There's a lot of empty space, and we like the climate."
"Well, for one thing, the North American Union would never allow me to speak for them," said Rose. "Torchwood is strictly regional. They'd call foul."
"Perhaps you could get a representative of the North American Union to initial it," suggested Pell.
The Doctor scratched his chin, looking conspicuously uncomfortable. "Weeeelll, that's another problem in itself. The NAU is in a bit of a disarray right now. Canada and the Alaskan Wilderness Protectorate would want a full environmental impact analysis before allowing you to bring in your ships, the tribal governments in that area would want assurance you wouldn't trespass on their sacred lands, and as for the United States, they have their hands full with the fallout from the Second Mexican Civil War. They would get rather stroppy if you tried to start a second war on them."
"Yeah, they're unreasonable that way," said Rose.
Pell and Mell didn't appear to pick up on her irony. Pell sighed unhappily. "I suppose that's what these invasion plans are for. It sounds like it could be terribly inconvenient to go with the Northwest Territories as a staging area, then. Fortunately, we have a backup plan." She displayed a reader to the Doctor and Rose. "Siberia is sparsely populated, and again, we like the climate."
"I suppose that would be a bit better," the Doctor conceded. "Russia could be bribed to sign off. Economic troubles, you understand."
"Oh, we give very generous bribes in these cases," gushed Mell.
"I'm sure you do," said Rose. "All the same, you'll have to steer clear of Tunguska. It's a protected historical site. Also, don't stray too far south, or you'll get into China or Mongolia or the Tibetan Sovereignty. They're all completely unreasonable about encroachments on their lands."
"Oh, dear," said the Doctor again, brow furrowing. "I just found another problem. You plan on bringing in giant mechas."
"Oh, no, that won't do at all," added Rose. She was getting the hang of this.
Pell, looking more crestfallen every moment, asked, "Why?" plaintively.
"Well, because . . ." Rose began before realizing she didn't actually have anything in mind to say.
Fortunately, her husband was never lost for words. "Because of Japan."
Rose nodded. "Yes, Japan. They'd never stand for it." She sensed this was about to enter full-on liar-liar-pants-on-fire territory.
"You see, the Japanese have taken out a copyright on all intellectual properties pertaining to giant mechas on the Asian continent," explained the Doctor.
"Tried to get it worldwide. The U.S. wasn't having it," Rose put in.
"They'd see the introduction of foreign mechas as a gross infringement on their rights. I'm afraid they'd take it as a grave insult."
"Perhaps we could get them to sign off on an exemption?" Mell suggested.
The Doctor and Rose both gave sad shakes of their heads. "They'd say 'no,'" said the Doctor. "Very politely, mind you--"
"Give you tea and everything."
"--but they take copyrights very seriously. Well, their own, at least." The Doctor wafted his hands in a "What can you do?" gesture.
Pell pouted, an expression that came through loud and clear even on her alien features. "That eliminates the entire Asian continent, then. The mechas are non-negotiable. Let's see, the next large, sparsely-populated area is the Sahara, but it looks awfully hot."
"Miserably," the Doctor agreed.
"Then that won't do. We don't acclimate well to hot, arid places." Pell handed the reader to Mell. "Do you have any other ideas?"
Mell scrutinized the reader for a few minutes, and then he lit up. "Perfect! Doctor, Rose, I think I've found the answer to our problems."
"That's good," said Rose, schooling her features into an admirable poker face of her own. "What is it?"
Mell proudly displayed the reader. "Antarctica!"
The Doctor and Rose stumbled all over themselves to say, "No!"
For the first time, Mell looked a little disgruntled. "Why? No humans live there on a permanent basis, there's lots of space, and it's cold--just the way we like it."
"It's also a world conservation area," Rose pointed out. "The whole continent is an environmental protection zone. You have to sign reams of forms before you can come within fifty miles of an emperor penguin, and that's not the worst of it."
Pell and Mell looked like they might cry. "But we would so like to invade," Pell complained. "We thought our plan was exceptionally well thought-out, but from what you're saying . . ."
"Back to the drawing board," said Mell, looking deeply disheartened.
Despite herself, Rose felt a little sorry for them. "Don't take it too hard," she said. "It's a great invasion plan, and I'm sure it'd work beautifully on any planet not as complicated as Earth. And seriously, I appreciate the heads-up; it's refreshing, especially after the Sycorax."
The Doctor piped up. "We'll be sure to tell Torchwood how very accommodating you are when we get back to Earth next."
Pell pulled herself back together. "You're both very kind. We'll go back to the plan and see if we can't come up with something agreeable to all parties. Do keep in touch!"
Handshakes were exchange all around, and the Sulippians left. Rose turned to her husband.
"What the hell was that all about?" she asked. Quite reasonably, she thought.
He slid an arm around her shoulders. "The Sulippians are protocol-driven to a fault. They'd never dream of cutting corners or missing a single step of their incredibly complicated code of etiquette. Mind you, that means that once they're entrenched on a planet, getting them out is insanely difficult. Thus, it's best to use their own sense of protocol against them to keep them off your planet in the first place."
Rose nudged into him. "You're so sexy when you go all didactic."
He looked at her--and the very revealing neckline of her evening gown--with great appreciation. "You're so sexy when you thwart alien invasions."
"Think I'm sexy now, you should see what I'm wearing underneath this getup." She gave him an under-the-eyelashes glance. "Or, more accurately, what I'm not wearing."
The Doctor committed several etiquette blunders in his haste to get them out of the ballroom and to the TARDIS, but no one cared. Except the Sulippians.
Title: The Benefits of Bureaucracy
Author: HonorH
Rating: General Admission, kids
Genre: Craaaack!
Pairing: DupTen/Rose
Spoilers: Up to JE
Summary: Rose likes the "saving the world" bit more with running, but this will have to do.
High-society gatherings among the stars, Rose discovered on her fifth trip out with her half-human husband and their adolescent timeship, weren't terribly different from those on Earth. They were nearly as boring, if more colorful. Unfortunately, as her father's daughter and Earth's official representative, they were her obligation.
She'd just got done talking to a purplish thing with tentacles atop his head when the Doctor approached her with two unctious-looking blue humanoids in tow. "Rose, these Sulippians have, er, an interesting proposition," he said. "I think you ought to give it a listen. Sir, Madam, I present my wife, Rose Tyler of Torchwood and Earth's official Goodwill Ambassador."
Rose cringed inwardly. Whenever he was this polite, it meant someone was about to say something that would make her head explode. Figuratively. The one time anyone had been able to do it literally, he hadn't allowed the thing to get a word in edgewise. Thank the stars for polite monsters (with hypersonic voices).
Besides, he had that glint in his eye, the one that meant he expected to be amused by whatever was about to ensue.
The smaller of the two humanoids held out its--her?--hand. "Rose Tyler of Torchwood, it is such an honor to meet you. I am Pell, and this is my partner, Mell."
"Pell and Mell?" Rose asked, eyebrows shooting up into her fringe (she was trying a new haircut; it remained to be seen whether it took). She glanced at the Doctor, who gave her the precise lift of one eyebrow that meant, "Yes, they're perfectly serious." Rose quashed her urge to laugh and took the female's hand. "Pleasure to meet you both. The Doctor said something about a proposition?"
"Yes." Pell smiled, looking like she was just about to present Rose with the keys to a new zeppelin. "We have decided that we would like to invade Earth!"
"Excuse me?" Rose blurted. She couldn't have just said--
"We Sulippians would like to invade your planet," Pell rephrased. It didn't sound any better to Rose's ears. "Everything we've heard about Earth has been so positive. So much space, so many resources, such diversity--it's positively begging to be exploited, and we'd love to get in before anyone else does, if it's all right with you."
Rose sought out her husband's eyes to find his poker face completely intact. He made the minute motion of his head that indicated she should hear them out before voicing any objections.
Mell spoke up next. "We understand your planet's been the subject of invading fleets before, most recently the Sycorax. Please don't take their rudeness as an indication of the manners of the galaxy at large! Reasonable beings such as ourselves would never dream of just showing up unannounced and demanding your surrender."
"I think you'll find we make an excellent occupying force," Pell said, picking up Mell's thread. "We offer limited technology-sharing and limited sovereignty as well as compensation for any damages or lives lost during the invasion itself, which we hope won't be too unpleasant for your people. Furthermore, once your period of indenture (the standard is 200 solar years) is up, you'd be allowed to apply to become a full member of the Sulip Hegemony. If it all goes smoothly, we believe everyone can come out of an invasion ahead. In fact, we've drawn up an invasion plan for your perusal, and if you'll be so kind as to sign off on it, we'll get our fleet amassed and be in your system by the next lunar cycle." Pell presented her with a hardcopy readout.
"A-all right," Rose managed. The Doctor's poker face hadn't budged an inch, so she took the hardcopy and said, "Doctor, perhaps you'd like to take a look as well?"
"Certainly." He pulled out his glasses and moved to her side, where he began to read over her shoulder.
Rose was a little too distracted by the absurdity of the situation to read very quickly. She sincerely hoped the Doctor knew what he was doing.
After a few moments, the Doctor made a disapproving noise. "Oh, dear," he said, tapping the readout. "Using the Northwest Territories as a staging ground? I'm afraid that won't do at all. Will it, Rose?"
She thought she might be catching on to what he was doing. "Yeah, I couldn't sign off on that."
Pell and Mell, who'd been positively beaming with pride, looked so dismayed Rose almost felt sorry for them. "Really?" asked Mell. "What's wrong with it? There's a lot of empty space, and we like the climate."
"Well, for one thing, the North American Union would never allow me to speak for them," said Rose. "Torchwood is strictly regional. They'd call foul."
"Perhaps you could get a representative of the North American Union to initial it," suggested Pell.
The Doctor scratched his chin, looking conspicuously uncomfortable. "Weeeelll, that's another problem in itself. The NAU is in a bit of a disarray right now. Canada and the Alaskan Wilderness Protectorate would want a full environmental impact analysis before allowing you to bring in your ships, the tribal governments in that area would want assurance you wouldn't trespass on their sacred lands, and as for the United States, they have their hands full with the fallout from the Second Mexican Civil War. They would get rather stroppy if you tried to start a second war on them."
"Yeah, they're unreasonable that way," said Rose.
Pell and Mell didn't appear to pick up on her irony. Pell sighed unhappily. "I suppose that's what these invasion plans are for. It sounds like it could be terribly inconvenient to go with the Northwest Territories as a staging area, then. Fortunately, we have a backup plan." She displayed a reader to the Doctor and Rose. "Siberia is sparsely populated, and again, we like the climate."
"I suppose that would be a bit better," the Doctor conceded. "Russia could be bribed to sign off. Economic troubles, you understand."
"Oh, we give very generous bribes in these cases," gushed Mell.
"I'm sure you do," said Rose. "All the same, you'll have to steer clear of Tunguska. It's a protected historical site. Also, don't stray too far south, or you'll get into China or Mongolia or the Tibetan Sovereignty. They're all completely unreasonable about encroachments on their lands."
"Oh, dear," said the Doctor again, brow furrowing. "I just found another problem. You plan on bringing in giant mechas."
"Oh, no, that won't do at all," added Rose. She was getting the hang of this.
Pell, looking more crestfallen every moment, asked, "Why?" plaintively.
"Well, because . . ." Rose began before realizing she didn't actually have anything in mind to say.
Fortunately, her husband was never lost for words. "Because of Japan."
Rose nodded. "Yes, Japan. They'd never stand for it." She sensed this was about to enter full-on liar-liar-pants-on-fire territory.
"You see, the Japanese have taken out a copyright on all intellectual properties pertaining to giant mechas on the Asian continent," explained the Doctor.
"Tried to get it worldwide. The U.S. wasn't having it," Rose put in.
"They'd see the introduction of foreign mechas as a gross infringement on their rights. I'm afraid they'd take it as a grave insult."
"Perhaps we could get them to sign off on an exemption?" Mell suggested.
The Doctor and Rose both gave sad shakes of their heads. "They'd say 'no,'" said the Doctor. "Very politely, mind you--"
"Give you tea and everything."
"--but they take copyrights very seriously. Well, their own, at least." The Doctor wafted his hands in a "What can you do?" gesture.
Pell pouted, an expression that came through loud and clear even on her alien features. "That eliminates the entire Asian continent, then. The mechas are non-negotiable. Let's see, the next large, sparsely-populated area is the Sahara, but it looks awfully hot."
"Miserably," the Doctor agreed.
"Then that won't do. We don't acclimate well to hot, arid places." Pell handed the reader to Mell. "Do you have any other ideas?"
Mell scrutinized the reader for a few minutes, and then he lit up. "Perfect! Doctor, Rose, I think I've found the answer to our problems."
"That's good," said Rose, schooling her features into an admirable poker face of her own. "What is it?"
Mell proudly displayed the reader. "Antarctica!"
The Doctor and Rose stumbled all over themselves to say, "No!"
For the first time, Mell looked a little disgruntled. "Why? No humans live there on a permanent basis, there's lots of space, and it's cold--just the way we like it."
"It's also a world conservation area," Rose pointed out. "The whole continent is an environmental protection zone. You have to sign reams of forms before you can come within fifty miles of an emperor penguin, and that's not the worst of it."
Pell and Mell looked like they might cry. "But we would so like to invade," Pell complained. "We thought our plan was exceptionally well thought-out, but from what you're saying . . ."
"Back to the drawing board," said Mell, looking deeply disheartened.
Despite herself, Rose felt a little sorry for them. "Don't take it too hard," she said. "It's a great invasion plan, and I'm sure it'd work beautifully on any planet not as complicated as Earth. And seriously, I appreciate the heads-up; it's refreshing, especially after the Sycorax."
The Doctor piped up. "We'll be sure to tell Torchwood how very accommodating you are when we get back to Earth next."
Pell pulled herself back together. "You're both very kind. We'll go back to the plan and see if we can't come up with something agreeable to all parties. Do keep in touch!"
Handshakes were exchange all around, and the Sulippians left. Rose turned to her husband.
"What the hell was that all about?" she asked. Quite reasonably, she thought.
He slid an arm around her shoulders. "The Sulippians are protocol-driven to a fault. They'd never dream of cutting corners or missing a single step of their incredibly complicated code of etiquette. Mind you, that means that once they're entrenched on a planet, getting them out is insanely difficult. Thus, it's best to use their own sense of protocol against them to keep them off your planet in the first place."
Rose nudged into him. "You're so sexy when you go all didactic."
He looked at her--and the very revealing neckline of her evening gown--with great appreciation. "You're so sexy when you thwart alien invasions."
"Think I'm sexy now, you should see what I'm wearing underneath this getup." She gave him an under-the-eyelashes glance. "Or, more accurately, what I'm not wearing."
The Doctor committed several etiquette blunders in his haste to get them out of the ballroom and to the TARDIS, but no one cared. Except the Sulippians.