Sulu/Chekov Holiday Fic #2!
Slightly belated, here is the December 23rd fic -- its events spill over into the morning of the 24th, so I guess the delay is appropriate. OFF TO START THE NEXT ONE! /has lost mind?
Title: Crash Course
Fandom: Star Trek
Pairing: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~5,000
Summary: Chekov wants to give Sulu his virginity for Christmas. Sequel to Here in Your Bedroom
Pavel's father decides to take Pavel's stepmother to Russia for the holidays, and when they can't afford a third plane ticket, Pavel gets left behind with Anna Sulu's family, who have always been willing to take him in when Pavel's father disappears. Pavel would be sad about missing the chance to see his grandparents and their reaction to his stepmother, who they haven't met yet, but he's got something better to look forward to at home. Hikaru is coming home from college and Pavel gets to sleep in Hikaru's bed until he arrives, reveling in the smell of him, which Pavel has missed so much since Hikaru went back to school after Thanksgiving.
They've kept their relationship a secret for almost a year now, and sometimes Pavel wishes he could tell everyone: the assholes who give him a hard time at school, his stepmother, who accuses him of lacking a social life, and the movie theater jerks who make him show his driver's license and deny him entry into R-rated movies without a guardian. He wants to stomp his feet and shout at them that he's not a pathetic, hopeless baby, that he's still six months from seventeen but has a boyfriend who is old enough to buy alcohol, who holds the record for the most stolen bases in a single season at Nolan High, and who could kick all of their asses with one hand tied behind his back. Pavel can't wait until he's eighteen and it doesn't have to be a secret anymore, so that he can always feel the way he does when he's in Hikaru's arms, sacred and perfect and powerful enough to make someone strong like Hikaru whimper when he comes.
On the night before Hikaru is scheduled to arrive, Pavel lies awake in Hikaru's bed and stares at the ceiling, too excited about reality to jerk off to fantasies. It's just two days before Christmas, and Hikaru has been out of classes for awhile now but couldn't get time off from work until tomorrow. Pavel reaches over the side of the bed and checks his cell phone, but there are no new texts from Hikaru. Sometimes Pavel will spend all day sending him little messages and laughing at Hikaru's responses, ignoring history lectures or hiding by the cubbies during orchestra practice. Usually the messages are pretty innocuous, Pavel complaining that his stepmother is ruining his life or Hikaru telling Pavel that he just saw a one-eyed squirrel steal somebody's potato chip bag on the campus courtyard. Sometimes Pavel will get texts from Hikaru late at night, jumping for his phone at the little sound it makes when he's received one, because these are usually the dirty things that Hikaru is too embarrassed to say out loud.
Pavel scrolls through his saved messages searching for his favorite one from Hikaru, which he should probably delete because of its incriminating nature: can you come this weekend? my mouth is fucking watering for you, can't stand it. Pavel stole his father's car and drove to Hikaru's school immediately after receiving that one. It was worth the punishment he received when he got back just for the look of pure relief on Hikaru's face when he pulled open his dorm room door and saw Pavel standing there, breathless with the thrill of disobeying his father and surprising Hikaru. Hikaru's roommate was there, so they had to take Hikaru's car and park in the empty lot by the rec center. Pavel had wrapped himself entirely around Hikaru in the backseat, writhing crazily against him and begging him in English and Russian to fuck him, but of course Hikaru wouldn't give in. He wants to wait until Pavel has graduated from high school in the spring, which will take place one month after Pavel's seventeenth birthday. Until then, Hikaru won't even push his fingers into Pavel, no matter how much he whines and begs and cries for it.
"I can't," Hikaru said once, his voice breaking as he flattened Pavel against the backseat of his car to still his desperate squirming. "Please, Pavel, God. If you let me feel how tight you are I won't be able to think about anything else until May."
Pavel had stopped begging then, because Hikaru seemed so sad about this, and because he does respect Hikaru's stupid desire to be noble. Kind of.
He rolls over onto his side and sighs, squeezing Hikaru's pillow against his cheek. Hikaru's Thanksgiving break seemed to pass so quickly, and Pavel has been longing for him constantly, especially since his father and stepmother left town. Anna has been good company, playing video games with him and helping him make an elaborate gingerbread replica of Rivendell, but Pavel always feels so lonely for Hikaru, even when he finally comes to visit, the countdown to when he'll leave again beginning. They try to see each other on most weekends, but sometimes Hikaru is busy with school or work, and Pavel constantly dreams about finally being able to live together, under the pretense of Hikaru looking out for Pavel in a brotherly fashion when Pavel goes off to college in the fall. He's already been accepted to Hikaru's engineering school, full scholarship, and he deeply resents the fact that he has to waste his time finishing his high school courses at all; he wishes he could simply take his spring finals in January and get on with his life.
Pavel drifts into a thin sleep, Hikaru's blankets pulled tightly around him. There's a freeze warning on for tonight, and Pavel is always stupidly excited by extreme weather, even if it only results in Mrs. Sulu having to drip the faucets overnight. He wishes it would snow, and imagines Hikaru coming through the bedroom door with melted snowflakes on the shoulders of his leather jacket, tasting like frost before Pavel warms him with his mouth.
The house gets very quiet as the night presses on, the windowpanes icing up against the wind outside. Pavel's sleep deepens, and when he's drawn out of it by a soft touch he twitches awake to see Hikaru sitting on the bed and smiling down at him, tucking one of Pavel's curls behind his ear.
"God, you are the sweetest fucking thing," Hikaru says, whispering and still stroking Pavel's hair. He smirks. "When you're asleep, anyway. I'm kind of surprised not to find you in here watching porn."
"Mmm, Hikaru," Pavel says, rolling onto his back and holding his arms out for Hikaru to lean into. Hikaru shrugs his jacket off and slides down to kiss Pavel as he toes off his shoes. His lips are cold but his tongue is so warm, and Pavel is moaning too loud already, making Hikaru laugh.
"I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow." Pavel rolls onto his side and beams at Hikaru as he takes the rest of his clothes off and sets them neatly over his desk chair.
"My shift ended early," Hikaru says. He tends bar at a steak restaurant near campus; Pavel has been there and watched him work, and for some reason seeing Hikaru make martinis and snap the caps off of beer bottles made him a little bit hard.
"It was totally dead, so my boss let me go around nine." Hikaru grins as he slides under the blankets with Pavel, pulling Pavel against him. "God, you're so warm," he says, his mouth going straight to Pavel's neck, hands roaming over Pavel's back. Pavel yelps as Hikaru's icy fingers move over him, but he doesn't try to squirm away, just wraps a leg around Hikaru's side.
"Hikaru, you're here," Pavel says, feeling stupid but unable to contain giddy laughter. He doesn't know where to kiss Hikaru first, or where to touch him, trying to put his hands everywhere, all at once. Hikaru laughs and rolls Pavel onto his back, pinning him.
"Guess what?" he says.
"What?"
"You know that Aerodynamics final I was so worried about?"
"Yeah." Pavel loves hearing about Hikaru's courses, though he always gets jealous.
"It was totally easy. I feel like I finally kind of got it, you know? I was in the library for five hours, half-asleep, staring at my notes, you know, hadn't eaten all day, and I had this epiphany or something? But you know which final sucked?"
"Which?"
"Fucking French! The oral exam portion, God. I hope she takes pity on me. I should have just taken Japanese for my language requirement, but it seemed like such a pussy thing to do."
"Well, it is not as if you're fluent." Pavel and Hikaru are kissing desperately between words, grinding together, so hard for each other already. Though Pavel hates being apart, he does love the breathlessness of these reunions, when they can't decide what to do first: tell each other everything or just rub together frantically.
"Maybe I should have taken Russian." Hikaru smiles over Pavel's open mouth, bumping Pavel's nose with the tip of his. "Then I would know what you say when I make you come so hard you forget English."
"I do not forget!" Pavel grins and deflates, letting Hikaru hold him down, his hips bucking up just a little. "It is just better expressed in Russian, sometimes."
"Mmm, God, I missed you," Hikaru says. He attacks Pavel's neck again, seems to be fixated on it at the moment, and Pavel closes his eyes, blissful and complete, wishing that he could spend the entire holiday here in Hikaru's bed, spread out for him, pinned.
"Oh!" Hikaru says, popping up suddenly, his hands still pressed over Pavel's on the mattress. "I got you a Christmas present!"
He scrambles out of bed and Pavel moans, wanting him back more than any present, but when Hikaru pulls a neatly wrapped little green package from his duffel bag, Pavel beams and reaches out to take it.
"Merry Christmas," Hikaru says. He kisses Pavel's forehead as Pavel tears at the paper. Inside is a white box, and Pavel is really hoping that Hikaru didn't buy him jewelry as he lifts the lid. Instead, there's a fancy silver key ring inside. It has only one key on it, dull, gold, and short.
"I wanted to surprise you," Hikaru says as Pavel lifts it from the box. "So I didn't tell you, but -- part of the reason I came home so late is that I've been moving. I got an apartment. Just renting, but still. Now whenever you come visit me we'll have the whole place to ourselves, we won't have to -- unf."
Pavel can't even let Hikaru finish before he's kissing him hard. Hikaru laughs into his mouth and falls onto him again, the key still closed tightly into Pavel's palm. He's absolutely reeling, thinking about whole weekends spent with Hikaru, waking up cozy in bed with him and not having to hurry to get dressed before his parents come knocking, making dinner together, falling asleep on the couch, showering together -- Pavel is trembling with happiness.
"I signed a one-year lease," Hikaru says. He pushes his fingers into Pavel's hair and leans up to smile at him shyly. "So, you know. This is the place where we'll be roommates when you come to Tech in the fall. So if you want to bring some of your stuff -- mmph."
"Hikaru," Pavel says, speaking into Hikaru's mouth, overwhelmed. "Oh -- oh --" He can't articulate what he's feeling, and suddenly can't stand the layer of cloth between he and Hikaru's bodies, so he tears his own boxer shorts off, then pushes Hikaru's down.
"So I guess you like your present," Hikaru says. He flings his boxers onto the floor and laughs against Pavel's neck, licking him there.
"Hikaru." Pavel grabs Hikaru's face and holds it just over his, staring into his eyes, trying to make his own face very solemn. "Now is the time. I have to have you now."
Hikaru looks confused for just half a second, then he licks his lips, shakes his head.
"Pavel, no, I --"
"Quiet, Hikaru. Listen." Pavel stares up at Hikaru, not quite sure how to go on, but at least Hikaru is looking at him as if he expects to hear a valid argument.
"This is my Christmas present to you," Pavel says. "You cannot refuse. It would be rude."
"Pavel, you don't have to --"
"I know I don't have to! But, Hikaru, I need you, you have no idea." Pavel arches up against Hikaru as he says so, and Hikaru slides his hand under the small of Pavel's back, moaning a little.
"Oh, I have some idea, believe it or not. But -- you're so -- you think you know what it's like, but you don't. It's kind of intense."
Pavel blinks up at Hikaru for a moment, thinking, constructing his response.
"Have you had this?" he asks, timid with the question. "Have you been -- where I will be?"
Hikaru snorts. "You mean on the bottom? Yeah. I -- didn't like it."
"That does not mean that I will not!"
Hikaru groans and hides his face against Pavel's neck. Pavel can feel Hikaru's heartbeat in his palm, which is pressed between Pavel's back and the mattress. He wonders if Hikaru has really only been nervous all this time.
"I've waited so long for you," Hikaru says. Pavel loves the way Hikaru's words feel against his skin, wants everything Hikaru says to be delivered this way. "I can wait a little longer."
"Well, I can't!"
Hikaru laughs and lifts his head. Pavel has felt the thing that will send Hikaru over the edge bubbling up in his chest for months now, his lips trembling with the urge to spit it out and the effort to keep it in. He reaches up and touches the fringe of Hikaru's hair, still unable to believe that he's allowed to do such things, that he can touch Hikaru wherever he likes. Hikaru turns to kiss Pavel's wrist, sighing against it.
"I love you," Pavel whispers, praying that this will push Hikaru over the edge, that he won't have offered his raw, dripping heart like this for nothing. "Hikaru. I love you. Please."
Hikaru stares at him for a moment, and Pavel listens to the pounding of his defenseless heart, afraid he's done something wrong.
"I love you, too," Hikaru says. His voice is soft and he sounds a little surprised by his own words, not by the sentiment but just by the sound of them, as if they're different once they've left him, like blue blood turning red. "I'd die for you."
"You don't have to die." Pavel sits up on his elbows and licks at the corner of Hikaru's mouth until Hikaru's lips part for him. Pavel moans when he finds the tip of Hikaru's tongue, lost to kissing him for just a moment. "And you don't have to wait."
Hikaru doesn't say anything. Pavel takes it as a good sign. He lies back and lets Hikaru's eyes wander over him.
"Um," Hikaru says. "I've never done this with someone I loved. So."
"It's okay," Pavel says. He puts his hand on Hikaru's cheek and strokes him softly, soothing. Hikaru laughs at himself, tucking his head to his chest.
"Pavel," he says.
"Yes?"
"I have to tell you -- I, I've been afraid to do this with you because I'm gonna go crazy wanting it all the time after we've done it. When we're apart. When I can't just reach out and have you."
"Well, if you are willing to die for me then you are willing to go crazy, also, yes?"
Hikaru snorts and kisses Pavel, pressing their bodies together, dragging his erection over Pavel's and making him moan.
"Oh, fuck it," Hikaru mutters. He's blushing, his eyes heavily lidded. "I want you all the goddamn time anyway."
"Yes, yes," Pavel says, quietly celebrating his victory as Hikaru sucks at his neck. Hikaru reaches down between them and takes Pavel's cock in his hand. Pavel gasps and arches and grins like an idiot, so glad that it's going to happen here, in the bed where he had his first kiss, first hand job, first blow job, all from Hikaru. It's like an altar, and the timing feels perfect, wind rattling the frosted windows and the hum of the heat pouring in from the room's vent providing a bit of cover.
"I think I've got some Astroglide in here," Hikaru says, groping under his bed. Pavel laughs.
"You do," he says. "The first time I ever touched myself -- there -- it was with your Astroglide."
Hikaru comes up with the bottle in his hand, his cheeks really blazing now, eyes wide.
"You -- you've tried it?"
"Hikaru, you have been cock teasing me for a year, do you think I haven't been fucking myself with my fingers all this time, sobbing into my pillow because I know you would be bigger, feel better?"
Pavel has been so embarrassed about this, never thought he'd say it out loud, but apparently everything is going to come out tonight, and maybe that's appropriate, considering what's about to happen. Hikaru growls and falls onto Pavel, kissing him hungrily, as if this information is impressive, not embarrassing.
"You cried?" Hikaru says, panting. "Really? For my cock? You wanted it that bad?"
"I have been trying to tell you!"
Hikaru pushes Pavel's legs apart more widely, slicking his fingers with the Astroglide. Apparently he can't wait any longer, either. Pavel is shaking and breathing so hard, not afraid, just impatient. Hikaru leans down around him, one hand snaking between Pavel's legs, and it feels as if every nerve ending Pavel has is concentrated there, at the tiny point of entrance to his body. He groans when Hikaru rubs him there, very lightly, slick with lube.
"Shhh," Hikaru whispers. "Don't get us found out."
"I want to tell everyone," Pavel whispers back. "I want them to know what you do to me, what I do to you."
"You're crazy," Hikaru says, but he's smiling. He slips just the tip of one finger in, and Pavel groans, reaching down to take Hikaru's hand, pushing at it until Hikaru's finger slides in deeper. Hikaru whimpers, resting his forehead against Pavel's cheek.
"Holy shit," he whispers. "You're so fucking tight -- does it hurt?"
"No, does not hurt." Pavel flexes around Hikaru's finger and Hikaru groans. "Feels very good, oh, so much better than my fingers."
"God, don't even -- I'm gonna come just thinking about that."
"About what?"
"You -- you -- did you lie on your back like this? When you used your fingers on yourself?"
"At first, but it felt better, and I could imagine it was you more easily, if I was on my knees, bent forward, spread open."
"Fuck, fuck -- okay stop talking."
"Hikaru, come on." Pavel squeezes around his finger again. "Open me, please."
Hikaru nods drowsily and begins moving his finger in slow drags, his mouth falling open as he watches Pavel's face. Pavel tries to keep his gasps quiet, unable to believe that this is finally happening, Hikaru is finally going to take this thing that can never be given back. Hikaru will have it forever, like everything else Pavel owns, which is only his heart and his blood and his bones. Now Hikaru will have this, too, his innocence. Pavel grins at the idea, pressing his arm over his eyes as if he's seeing a bright light, too overwhelmed to keep looking.
"Are you okay?" Hikaru's finger stops moving for a moment, and Pavel lets his arm slide away from his eyes.
"Yes, Hikaru, yes, oh."
"Does that feel -" Hikaru swallows heavily. "Tell me how it feels."
"Good, guh, yeah, so good."
"Pavel, Jesus, do you know how many times I've thought of this, wanted it -"
"Not as many times as me. Ah, Hikaru, I've never told you, even before the night when you caught me here, I wanted you, I would touch myself, looking at your magazines, thinking of how you had looked at them, thinking of you, ohh, another, please, more."
Pavel is on the verge of tears before Hikaru is finally satisfied with how well he's been stretched, leaving Pavel a mess of begging whispers beneath him on the bed while he finally slicks his cock. Hikaru takes Pavel's chin in his hand and breathes a couple of times through his nose, looking very serious, holding his cock as if it's a gun that he's afraid to use.
"Pavel," he whispers. "The first guy who did this to me - sucked. I want you to know - I'll take care of you. Always. For as long as you want me to. And this means something, okay? This means that we're connected. It's not just sex. It's - fucking - I don't know what it is. I've never had anything like this. I'm just so fucking glad it's with you."
Pavel smiles up at him drunkenly, feeling as if he's already been penetrated, completely surrendered.
"Yes," he says, his voice barely working as Hikaru lines himself up, pressing against him experimentally. Pavel tries to say more, but the only word he knows now is Yes.
Hikaru presses in slowly, and Pavel waits and waits for it to feel good. He smashes his eyes shut and tries not to let the pain show on his face. He doesn't want Hikaru to stop, which is a weird thing to not want, because it hurts pretty bad, the burn and the unbelievable pressure, so different from the timid push of his own fingers.
"Okay - okay?" Hikaru manages to ask, and Pavel nods. He's clinging to Hikaru's shoulders, his legs shaking around Hikaru's sides. He thinks that if Hikaru would just kiss him he might be okay, and when he cracks his eyes open Hikaru does, licking him softly, one hand in Pavel's hair, the other tight around his shoulder.
"Fuck," Hikaru whispers, pushing the curse down into Pavel's mouth. "I can feel you - throbbing. Is that your heartbeat?"
"Yes," Pavel cries, though he has no idea. Hikaru smoothes Pavel's hair back from his forehead.
"Does it hurt?" he whispers, so soft, like it will be their secret. Pavel winces and nods, but when Hikaru starts to pull back he clings, keeping him in place.
"Don't stop," Pavel says, begging, his voice wrecked. "Don't leave me."
"I'm not - listen - maybe we didn't -"
"It is okay, Hikaru, just, just -"
"Try to relax," Hikaru says, close to Pavel's ear. Pavel can feel him shuddering, though. "Try to - here." Hikaru takes hold of Pavel's cock and gives him a few strokes, but Pavel can barely feel it, as if the shape of Hikaru inside him is occupying all of his senses at the moment. He whines, feeling stupid, like a baby, because he thought this would be so easy, and maybe he was dumb to want it so much.
"Pasha," Hikaru whispers, making Pavel's eyes shoot open. They lock on Hikaru's, and Hikaru looks so scared. He licks his lips.
"How do you know -" Pavel starts to ask. His mother used to call him that.
"I - I was procrastinating, you know, at school, and I looked up the meaning of your name, and it meant 'small,' and I fucking teared up, because that's what you are, my little, little - and then it said the Russian nickname for Pavel was 'Pasha,' and I, I wanted to call you that, it seemed right, I don't know, oh, Pavel, do you need to stop?"
"No," Pavel says, answering before he realizes that this is true, he doesn't need to stop, it doesn't really hurt so much, it's just strange, something he needs to let himself adjust to. He pets Hikaru, heartbroken for the thought that maybe someone once didn't give him the chance, that this person hurt Hikaru badly enough to make him scared to try this with Pavel.
"Call me that again," Pavel whispers, still petting Hikaru.
"Pasha," Hikaru says. "Pasha, oh, God, I love you."
Pavel arches experimentally and gasps, the feeling so suddenly, inexplicably good, like the first time he worked a finger into himself and liked it, only ten thousand times more - what did Hikaru call it? - intense.
After that, the word 'intense' doesn't even come close. Pavel breathes hard into Hikaru's mouth as Hikaru begins to fuck him for real, asking between every breath is that okay, and all Pavel can do is nod and moan and lean up into it, spreading himself wider and wider, beginning to whine and thrash and need more and more. Hikaru increases his pace in careful increments, until Pavel cries and begs wordlessly for more. Hikaru gives it to him, breathing so hard, his hands flattened on the mattress, around Pavel's ears. Pavel can see it on Hikaru's face, how it almost hurts to try and stay quiet, and finally Pavel comes between their chests, sobbing until Hikaru fits his mouth over Pavel's, clumsy with the angle, biting Pavel's bottom lip hard enough to draw blood when he comes into him.
They both have tears in their eyes when they're through, Pavel with delirious laughter and Hikaru with whispered apologies, stroking him, two fingers against Pavel's neck like he's taking his pulse. Outside, the night gets colder and colder, and it feels good against Pavel's feverish skin, the cold that seeps in through the window behind him. Pavel shuts his eyes and Hikaru kisses over his closed eyelids, calling him Pasha, just like his mother because he loves Pavel that much, and nothing like his mother, because he loves Pavel like no one else ever has, like no one else ever will.
"Did you like your Christmas present?" Pavel asks, his voice cracking around the words, aware that he's affecting adorability. Hikaru snorts and licks Pavel from the tip of his nose to the corner of his eye.
"Yeah," he says. "No need to get me one for the rest of your life, 'cause, that. Yeah. God, Pavel."
They stay awake for awhile, laughing nervously, Hikaru asking Pavel if he's okay. Pavel expected to be sore, but he's not, he just feels different, opened, changed. He kisses Hikaru's face to reassure him, drinking in the smell of him, and the smell of his own skin, which seems new. When he rolls toward the window he smiles to himself, because there are the lightest, softest bits of dusty snow falling past it.
"Look at that," Hikaru says, pressing his chest to Pavel's back. "I bet it will only last five minutes."
"That's okay," Pavel says. He lifts Hikaru's hand to his mouth and kisses him across his knuckles, then at the fattest part of his palm. "Five minutes, it can mean something, very much."
Hikaru moans with understanding, kissing Pavel's neck. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asks.
"Yes," Pavel says. He watches as the snow thickens, feeling as if someone is listening to this conversation, trying to prove a point. "Hikaru?"
"Hmm?"
"Can you still feel me, a little? I think I can still feel you."
"Yeah, Pavel. Yeah."
Pavel falls asleep and dreams that his mother comes to the door in the morning, her arms loaded with presents, Mrs. Sulu welcoming her inside. In the dream, everyone knows that Hikaru is Pavel's boyfriend, and his mother is very fond of Hikaru, congratulating Pavel on finding someone who will treat him so well. The dream feels real for awhile, then when Pavel and his mother are in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on gingerbread Rivendell, Pavel realizes it must be a dream, because he's speaking to his mother in English, not Russian, and because she's been dead for ten years.
"Mama," he says, putting his hand over hers as she constructs a turret made of halved gumdrops. Her hand is cold. She looks up at Pavel and smiles softly, as if she's ashamed of the startling temperature of her skin.
"Will it still be snowing when I wake up?" he asks. In the dream, the question seems very important. His mother's smile grows warmer, and she touches his face.
"You always loved the snow," she says.
Pavel opens his eyes at the first light, as he's trained himself to do when he's sleeping in Hikaru's bed. They'll have to put a sleeping bag and some blankets on the floor by the bed and muss them so they look slept in. Pavel yawns and turns to the window. It's frozen on the outside, fogged with condensation on the inside. He gets up on his knees and uses his hand to wipe away the fog. Through the frost, he can't tell if there's snow on the ground or any still falling. Everything looks bluish and blurry.
"Pavel," Hikaru says, maybe talking in his sleep. Pavel turns and sees Hikaru groaning as he rolls onto his back, stretching his arms up over his head. He slumps back after his stretch and lets his breath out, staring at Pavel. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Nothing." Pavel crawls over to him and lets Hikaru pull the blankets up over his shoulder. Hikaru wraps him into his arms and kisses the top of his head.
"Feel okay?" Hikaru asks. Pavel pinches him, tired of the question, and Hikaru laughs.
"We should get up," Pavel says.
"Not yet. We've got a little time." Hikaru puts a leg over Pavel's side, possessively, and Pavel grins.
"What would they say if they knew about us?" Pavel asks. "Your parents?"
"If we wait until you're eighteen to tell them, they'll be happy. Before that, they'd fucking kill me."
"I think my mother would have liked you."
"I hope so. Your father would kick my ass if he knew."
"Pssh. He could not kick your ass."
"Good to know. Alright, you've succeeded in scaring me out of bed. I'm gonna go take a shower." He lifts Pavel's chin and gives him a kiss, despite the morning breath. He looks like he doesn't know what to say, still a little nervous about what he did.
"Do you think when we are old men together we will tell everyone the truth about how it all started?" Pavel asks, rubbing Hikaru's back, trying to reassure him. Hikaru grins.
"You mean about you beating off to my porn? Uh, probably not."
"But it was so romantic! Just hard to explain. Oh, Hikaru, I want this bed in our apartment! Can we bring it there?"
"Yeah, of course." Hikaru is really beaming now, and Pavel kisses his nose.
"Go take your shower," Pavel says, and Hikaru slides out of bed. He tucks the blankets back around Pavel before putting on his robe and crossing the hall to the bathroom. Pavel tries to go back to sleep, listening to the hiss of Hikaru's shower from across the hall, but he's not tired anymore, so he gets up and puts on his pajamas. He's had Christmas Eve with the Sulu family before, and he knows today will involve a lot of sitting around and playing video games with Hikaru and Anna while Mr. and Mrs. Sulu cook for the many relatives who will start showing up around four o'clock. Dinner will be long and indulgent, and Hikaru will sit at the kid's table in the kitchen with Anna and Pavel.
Pavel pads downstairs and pours himself some orange juice. Through the big windows in the living room he can see that there is a very fine layer of snow laced over the yard, and some still falling, more like glitter than the fat snowflakes he hoped for, maybe just blowing off the roof with the wind. He drinks his juice and turns when he hears someone coming down the stairs, thinking it will be Hikaru, but it's Anna, wearing her pajama pants and the tank top with the built-in bra that she's so proud of, now that she's finally got something to support. She's wearing her glasses and the stripey socks that she bought last time they went to the mall together. She walks up behind Pavel and pats down his wild curls.
"You're up early," she says.
"I was thirsty." Pavel offers her some juice. "Did you see the snow?"
"Yeah. Remember that one year when it was up to our knees and we had that epic snowball fight with the Pattersons?"
"Yes." Pavel grins. The Patterson brothers had always picked on Anna and Pavel, but they only got away with it when Hikaru wasn't around. He was around that day, thirteen years old and five inches taller than any of the Patterson brats, and he had two of them running home crying by the end of it, Anna and Pavel standing behind him for most of the fight, handing him new snowballs and bouncing around victoriously.
"What are you so happy about?" Anna asks. She squints her eyes and leans back a little. "You look different or something."
"Different?" Pavel blushes. He wishes he could tell her. "I'm not -- it's just --"
The pipes creak as the shower turns off upstairs, and Anna's eyes widen.
"Ah, I see," she says. "Hikaru is home."
"Yes, he came home last night, it's okay, he slept on the floor--"
Anna giggles and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, right, he slept on the floor. That's why you're all rosy-cheeked."
"What! Anna, no --"
"Pavel, yes! Don't be embarrassed. I could always tell you liked him. I always hoped he'd like you back eventually. He does like you, right? You're not just mooning over him still?"
Pavel's mouth hangs open for a moment. He's not sure how to respond; he's always suspected that he can trust Anna with this, but he swore to Hikaru that he wouldn't tell anyone, not even Anna.
Behind them, Hikaru thunders down the stairs in a t-shirt and flannel pants, rubbing a towel through his wet hair.
"There you are," he says, looking at Pavel. He glances at his sister as if he's just noticed that she's there. "What?" he barks, blushing.
"Nothing, dickface," Anna says. "Merry Christmas."
"It's not Christmas until tomorrow," Hikaru says. He heads into the kitchen and begins making coffee. Anna grabs Pavel's arm and beams at him.
"Fine, don't tell me," she whispers. "I figured it out myself, anyway, by the way he looks at you now." She gives Pavel's temple a sharp kiss. "He looks at you like he loves you, it's so cute."
"Don't tell anyone!" Pavel whispers.
"Duh."
Pavel spends the rest of the morning on the couch between Hikaru and Anna, watching Trading Places and wishing he could cuddle against Hikaru's chest, but it's enough just to be close to him, sneaking looks and smelling his shampoo, and Pavel is glad that Anna knows, that someone does, because he's felt a bit like he's been living in a dream for the past year, and now he knows for sure that it's real, not just because Anna can see it on Hikaru's face, but because he can feel it inside him, even now, some secret part of Hikaru that he'll never have to give back.
//
the end.
Art for the story by kittyjimjams!
Title: Crash Course
Fandom: Star Trek
Pairing: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~5,000
Summary: Chekov wants to give Sulu his virginity for Christmas. Sequel to Here in Your Bedroom
Pavel's father decides to take Pavel's stepmother to Russia for the holidays, and when they can't afford a third plane ticket, Pavel gets left behind with Anna Sulu's family, who have always been willing to take him in when Pavel's father disappears. Pavel would be sad about missing the chance to see his grandparents and their reaction to his stepmother, who they haven't met yet, but he's got something better to look forward to at home. Hikaru is coming home from college and Pavel gets to sleep in Hikaru's bed until he arrives, reveling in the smell of him, which Pavel has missed so much since Hikaru went back to school after Thanksgiving.
They've kept their relationship a secret for almost a year now, and sometimes Pavel wishes he could tell everyone: the assholes who give him a hard time at school, his stepmother, who accuses him of lacking a social life, and the movie theater jerks who make him show his driver's license and deny him entry into R-rated movies without a guardian. He wants to stomp his feet and shout at them that he's not a pathetic, hopeless baby, that he's still six months from seventeen but has a boyfriend who is old enough to buy alcohol, who holds the record for the most stolen bases in a single season at Nolan High, and who could kick all of their asses with one hand tied behind his back. Pavel can't wait until he's eighteen and it doesn't have to be a secret anymore, so that he can always feel the way he does when he's in Hikaru's arms, sacred and perfect and powerful enough to make someone strong like Hikaru whimper when he comes.
On the night before Hikaru is scheduled to arrive, Pavel lies awake in Hikaru's bed and stares at the ceiling, too excited about reality to jerk off to fantasies. It's just two days before Christmas, and Hikaru has been out of classes for awhile now but couldn't get time off from work until tomorrow. Pavel reaches over the side of the bed and checks his cell phone, but there are no new texts from Hikaru. Sometimes Pavel will spend all day sending him little messages and laughing at Hikaru's responses, ignoring history lectures or hiding by the cubbies during orchestra practice. Usually the messages are pretty innocuous, Pavel complaining that his stepmother is ruining his life or Hikaru telling Pavel that he just saw a one-eyed squirrel steal somebody's potato chip bag on the campus courtyard. Sometimes Pavel will get texts from Hikaru late at night, jumping for his phone at the little sound it makes when he's received one, because these are usually the dirty things that Hikaru is too embarrassed to say out loud.
Pavel scrolls through his saved messages searching for his favorite one from Hikaru, which he should probably delete because of its incriminating nature: can you come this weekend? my mouth is fucking watering for you, can't stand it. Pavel stole his father's car and drove to Hikaru's school immediately after receiving that one. It was worth the punishment he received when he got back just for the look of pure relief on Hikaru's face when he pulled open his dorm room door and saw Pavel standing there, breathless with the thrill of disobeying his father and surprising Hikaru. Hikaru's roommate was there, so they had to take Hikaru's car and park in the empty lot by the rec center. Pavel had wrapped himself entirely around Hikaru in the backseat, writhing crazily against him and begging him in English and Russian to fuck him, but of course Hikaru wouldn't give in. He wants to wait until Pavel has graduated from high school in the spring, which will take place one month after Pavel's seventeenth birthday. Until then, Hikaru won't even push his fingers into Pavel, no matter how much he whines and begs and cries for it.
"I can't," Hikaru said once, his voice breaking as he flattened Pavel against the backseat of his car to still his desperate squirming. "Please, Pavel, God. If you let me feel how tight you are I won't be able to think about anything else until May."
Pavel had stopped begging then, because Hikaru seemed so sad about this, and because he does respect Hikaru's stupid desire to be noble. Kind of.
He rolls over onto his side and sighs, squeezing Hikaru's pillow against his cheek. Hikaru's Thanksgiving break seemed to pass so quickly, and Pavel has been longing for him constantly, especially since his father and stepmother left town. Anna has been good company, playing video games with him and helping him make an elaborate gingerbread replica of Rivendell, but Pavel always feels so lonely for Hikaru, even when he finally comes to visit, the countdown to when he'll leave again beginning. They try to see each other on most weekends, but sometimes Hikaru is busy with school or work, and Pavel constantly dreams about finally being able to live together, under the pretense of Hikaru looking out for Pavel in a brotherly fashion when Pavel goes off to college in the fall. He's already been accepted to Hikaru's engineering school, full scholarship, and he deeply resents the fact that he has to waste his time finishing his high school courses at all; he wishes he could simply take his spring finals in January and get on with his life.
Pavel drifts into a thin sleep, Hikaru's blankets pulled tightly around him. There's a freeze warning on for tonight, and Pavel is always stupidly excited by extreme weather, even if it only results in Mrs. Sulu having to drip the faucets overnight. He wishes it would snow, and imagines Hikaru coming through the bedroom door with melted snowflakes on the shoulders of his leather jacket, tasting like frost before Pavel warms him with his mouth.
The house gets very quiet as the night presses on, the windowpanes icing up against the wind outside. Pavel's sleep deepens, and when he's drawn out of it by a soft touch he twitches awake to see Hikaru sitting on the bed and smiling down at him, tucking one of Pavel's curls behind his ear.
"God, you are the sweetest fucking thing," Hikaru says, whispering and still stroking Pavel's hair. He smirks. "When you're asleep, anyway. I'm kind of surprised not to find you in here watching porn."
"Mmm, Hikaru," Pavel says, rolling onto his back and holding his arms out for Hikaru to lean into. Hikaru shrugs his jacket off and slides down to kiss Pavel as he toes off his shoes. His lips are cold but his tongue is so warm, and Pavel is moaning too loud already, making Hikaru laugh.
"I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow." Pavel rolls onto his side and beams at Hikaru as he takes the rest of his clothes off and sets them neatly over his desk chair.
"My shift ended early," Hikaru says. He tends bar at a steak restaurant near campus; Pavel has been there and watched him work, and for some reason seeing Hikaru make martinis and snap the caps off of beer bottles made him a little bit hard.
"It was totally dead, so my boss let me go around nine." Hikaru grins as he slides under the blankets with Pavel, pulling Pavel against him. "God, you're so warm," he says, his mouth going straight to Pavel's neck, hands roaming over Pavel's back. Pavel yelps as Hikaru's icy fingers move over him, but he doesn't try to squirm away, just wraps a leg around Hikaru's side.
"Hikaru, you're here," Pavel says, feeling stupid but unable to contain giddy laughter. He doesn't know where to kiss Hikaru first, or where to touch him, trying to put his hands everywhere, all at once. Hikaru laughs and rolls Pavel onto his back, pinning him.
"Guess what?" he says.
"What?"
"You know that Aerodynamics final I was so worried about?"
"Yeah." Pavel loves hearing about Hikaru's courses, though he always gets jealous.
"It was totally easy. I feel like I finally kind of got it, you know? I was in the library for five hours, half-asleep, staring at my notes, you know, hadn't eaten all day, and I had this epiphany or something? But you know which final sucked?"
"Which?"
"Fucking French! The oral exam portion, God. I hope she takes pity on me. I should have just taken Japanese for my language requirement, but it seemed like such a pussy thing to do."
"Well, it is not as if you're fluent." Pavel and Hikaru are kissing desperately between words, grinding together, so hard for each other already. Though Pavel hates being apart, he does love the breathlessness of these reunions, when they can't decide what to do first: tell each other everything or just rub together frantically.
"Maybe I should have taken Russian." Hikaru smiles over Pavel's open mouth, bumping Pavel's nose with the tip of his. "Then I would know what you say when I make you come so hard you forget English."
"I do not forget!" Pavel grins and deflates, letting Hikaru hold him down, his hips bucking up just a little. "It is just better expressed in Russian, sometimes."
"Mmm, God, I missed you," Hikaru says. He attacks Pavel's neck again, seems to be fixated on it at the moment, and Pavel closes his eyes, blissful and complete, wishing that he could spend the entire holiday here in Hikaru's bed, spread out for him, pinned.
"Oh!" Hikaru says, popping up suddenly, his hands still pressed over Pavel's on the mattress. "I got you a Christmas present!"
He scrambles out of bed and Pavel moans, wanting him back more than any present, but when Hikaru pulls a neatly wrapped little green package from his duffel bag, Pavel beams and reaches out to take it.
"Merry Christmas," Hikaru says. He kisses Pavel's forehead as Pavel tears at the paper. Inside is a white box, and Pavel is really hoping that Hikaru didn't buy him jewelry as he lifts the lid. Instead, there's a fancy silver key ring inside. It has only one key on it, dull, gold, and short.
"I wanted to surprise you," Hikaru says as Pavel lifts it from the box. "So I didn't tell you, but -- part of the reason I came home so late is that I've been moving. I got an apartment. Just renting, but still. Now whenever you come visit me we'll have the whole place to ourselves, we won't have to -- unf."
Pavel can't even let Hikaru finish before he's kissing him hard. Hikaru laughs into his mouth and falls onto him again, the key still closed tightly into Pavel's palm. He's absolutely reeling, thinking about whole weekends spent with Hikaru, waking up cozy in bed with him and not having to hurry to get dressed before his parents come knocking, making dinner together, falling asleep on the couch, showering together -- Pavel is trembling with happiness.
"I signed a one-year lease," Hikaru says. He pushes his fingers into Pavel's hair and leans up to smile at him shyly. "So, you know. This is the place where we'll be roommates when you come to Tech in the fall. So if you want to bring some of your stuff -- mmph."
"Hikaru," Pavel says, speaking into Hikaru's mouth, overwhelmed. "Oh -- oh --" He can't articulate what he's feeling, and suddenly can't stand the layer of cloth between he and Hikaru's bodies, so he tears his own boxer shorts off, then pushes Hikaru's down.
"So I guess you like your present," Hikaru says. He flings his boxers onto the floor and laughs against Pavel's neck, licking him there.
"Hikaru." Pavel grabs Hikaru's face and holds it just over his, staring into his eyes, trying to make his own face very solemn. "Now is the time. I have to have you now."
Hikaru looks confused for just half a second, then he licks his lips, shakes his head.
"Pavel, no, I --"
"Quiet, Hikaru. Listen." Pavel stares up at Hikaru, not quite sure how to go on, but at least Hikaru is looking at him as if he expects to hear a valid argument.
"This is my Christmas present to you," Pavel says. "You cannot refuse. It would be rude."
"Pavel, you don't have to --"
"I know I don't have to! But, Hikaru, I need you, you have no idea." Pavel arches up against Hikaru as he says so, and Hikaru slides his hand under the small of Pavel's back, moaning a little.
"Oh, I have some idea, believe it or not. But -- you're so -- you think you know what it's like, but you don't. It's kind of intense."
Pavel blinks up at Hikaru for a moment, thinking, constructing his response.
"Have you had this?" he asks, timid with the question. "Have you been -- where I will be?"
Hikaru snorts. "You mean on the bottom? Yeah. I -- didn't like it."
"That does not mean that I will not!"
Hikaru groans and hides his face against Pavel's neck. Pavel can feel Hikaru's heartbeat in his palm, which is pressed between Pavel's back and the mattress. He wonders if Hikaru has really only been nervous all this time.
"I've waited so long for you," Hikaru says. Pavel loves the way Hikaru's words feel against his skin, wants everything Hikaru says to be delivered this way. "I can wait a little longer."
"Well, I can't!"
Hikaru laughs and lifts his head. Pavel has felt the thing that will send Hikaru over the edge bubbling up in his chest for months now, his lips trembling with the urge to spit it out and the effort to keep it in. He reaches up and touches the fringe of Hikaru's hair, still unable to believe that he's allowed to do such things, that he can touch Hikaru wherever he likes. Hikaru turns to kiss Pavel's wrist, sighing against it.
"I love you," Pavel whispers, praying that this will push Hikaru over the edge, that he won't have offered his raw, dripping heart like this for nothing. "Hikaru. I love you. Please."
Hikaru stares at him for a moment, and Pavel listens to the pounding of his defenseless heart, afraid he's done something wrong.
"I love you, too," Hikaru says. His voice is soft and he sounds a little surprised by his own words, not by the sentiment but just by the sound of them, as if they're different once they've left him, like blue blood turning red. "I'd die for you."
"You don't have to die." Pavel sits up on his elbows and licks at the corner of Hikaru's mouth until Hikaru's lips part for him. Pavel moans when he finds the tip of Hikaru's tongue, lost to kissing him for just a moment. "And you don't have to wait."
Hikaru doesn't say anything. Pavel takes it as a good sign. He lies back and lets Hikaru's eyes wander over him.
"Um," Hikaru says. "I've never done this with someone I loved. So."
"It's okay," Pavel says. He puts his hand on Hikaru's cheek and strokes him softly, soothing. Hikaru laughs at himself, tucking his head to his chest.
"Pavel," he says.
"Yes?"
"I have to tell you -- I, I've been afraid to do this with you because I'm gonna go crazy wanting it all the time after we've done it. When we're apart. When I can't just reach out and have you."
"Well, if you are willing to die for me then you are willing to go crazy, also, yes?"
Hikaru snorts and kisses Pavel, pressing their bodies together, dragging his erection over Pavel's and making him moan.
"Oh, fuck it," Hikaru mutters. He's blushing, his eyes heavily lidded. "I want you all the goddamn time anyway."
"Yes, yes," Pavel says, quietly celebrating his victory as Hikaru sucks at his neck. Hikaru reaches down between them and takes Pavel's cock in his hand. Pavel gasps and arches and grins like an idiot, so glad that it's going to happen here, in the bed where he had his first kiss, first hand job, first blow job, all from Hikaru. It's like an altar, and the timing feels perfect, wind rattling the frosted windows and the hum of the heat pouring in from the room's vent providing a bit of cover.
"I think I've got some Astroglide in here," Hikaru says, groping under his bed. Pavel laughs.
"You do," he says. "The first time I ever touched myself -- there -- it was with your Astroglide."
Hikaru comes up with the bottle in his hand, his cheeks really blazing now, eyes wide.
"You -- you've tried it?"
"Hikaru, you have been cock teasing me for a year, do you think I haven't been fucking myself with my fingers all this time, sobbing into my pillow because I know you would be bigger, feel better?"
Pavel has been so embarrassed about this, never thought he'd say it out loud, but apparently everything is going to come out tonight, and maybe that's appropriate, considering what's about to happen. Hikaru growls and falls onto Pavel, kissing him hungrily, as if this information is impressive, not embarrassing.
"You cried?" Hikaru says, panting. "Really? For my cock? You wanted it that bad?"
"I have been trying to tell you!"
Hikaru pushes Pavel's legs apart more widely, slicking his fingers with the Astroglide. Apparently he can't wait any longer, either. Pavel is shaking and breathing so hard, not afraid, just impatient. Hikaru leans down around him, one hand snaking between Pavel's legs, and it feels as if every nerve ending Pavel has is concentrated there, at the tiny point of entrance to his body. He groans when Hikaru rubs him there, very lightly, slick with lube.
"Shhh," Hikaru whispers. "Don't get us found out."
"I want to tell everyone," Pavel whispers back. "I want them to know what you do to me, what I do to you."
"You're crazy," Hikaru says, but he's smiling. He slips just the tip of one finger in, and Pavel groans, reaching down to take Hikaru's hand, pushing at it until Hikaru's finger slides in deeper. Hikaru whimpers, resting his forehead against Pavel's cheek.
"Holy shit," he whispers. "You're so fucking tight -- does it hurt?"
"No, does not hurt." Pavel flexes around Hikaru's finger and Hikaru groans. "Feels very good, oh, so much better than my fingers."
"God, don't even -- I'm gonna come just thinking about that."
"About what?"
"You -- you -- did you lie on your back like this? When you used your fingers on yourself?"
"At first, but it felt better, and I could imagine it was you more easily, if I was on my knees, bent forward, spread open."
"Fuck, fuck -- okay stop talking."
"Hikaru, come on." Pavel squeezes around his finger again. "Open me, please."
Hikaru nods drowsily and begins moving his finger in slow drags, his mouth falling open as he watches Pavel's face. Pavel tries to keep his gasps quiet, unable to believe that this is finally happening, Hikaru is finally going to take this thing that can never be given back. Hikaru will have it forever, like everything else Pavel owns, which is only his heart and his blood and his bones. Now Hikaru will have this, too, his innocence. Pavel grins at the idea, pressing his arm over his eyes as if he's seeing a bright light, too overwhelmed to keep looking.
"Are you okay?" Hikaru's finger stops moving for a moment, and Pavel lets his arm slide away from his eyes.
"Yes, Hikaru, yes, oh."
"Does that feel -" Hikaru swallows heavily. "Tell me how it feels."
"Good, guh, yeah, so good."
"Pavel, Jesus, do you know how many times I've thought of this, wanted it -"
"Not as many times as me. Ah, Hikaru, I've never told you, even before the night when you caught me here, I wanted you, I would touch myself, looking at your magazines, thinking of how you had looked at them, thinking of you, ohh, another, please, more."
Pavel is on the verge of tears before Hikaru is finally satisfied with how well he's been stretched, leaving Pavel a mess of begging whispers beneath him on the bed while he finally slicks his cock. Hikaru takes Pavel's chin in his hand and breathes a couple of times through his nose, looking very serious, holding his cock as if it's a gun that he's afraid to use.
"Pavel," he whispers. "The first guy who did this to me - sucked. I want you to know - I'll take care of you. Always. For as long as you want me to. And this means something, okay? This means that we're connected. It's not just sex. It's - fucking - I don't know what it is. I've never had anything like this. I'm just so fucking glad it's with you."
Pavel smiles up at him drunkenly, feeling as if he's already been penetrated, completely surrendered.
"Yes," he says, his voice barely working as Hikaru lines himself up, pressing against him experimentally. Pavel tries to say more, but the only word he knows now is Yes.
Hikaru presses in slowly, and Pavel waits and waits for it to feel good. He smashes his eyes shut and tries not to let the pain show on his face. He doesn't want Hikaru to stop, which is a weird thing to not want, because it hurts pretty bad, the burn and the unbelievable pressure, so different from the timid push of his own fingers.
"Okay - okay?" Hikaru manages to ask, and Pavel nods. He's clinging to Hikaru's shoulders, his legs shaking around Hikaru's sides. He thinks that if Hikaru would just kiss him he might be okay, and when he cracks his eyes open Hikaru does, licking him softly, one hand in Pavel's hair, the other tight around his shoulder.
"Fuck," Hikaru whispers, pushing the curse down into Pavel's mouth. "I can feel you - throbbing. Is that your heartbeat?"
"Yes," Pavel cries, though he has no idea. Hikaru smoothes Pavel's hair back from his forehead.
"Does it hurt?" he whispers, so soft, like it will be their secret. Pavel winces and nods, but when Hikaru starts to pull back he clings, keeping him in place.
"Don't stop," Pavel says, begging, his voice wrecked. "Don't leave me."
"I'm not - listen - maybe we didn't -"
"It is okay, Hikaru, just, just -"
"Try to relax," Hikaru says, close to Pavel's ear. Pavel can feel him shuddering, though. "Try to - here." Hikaru takes hold of Pavel's cock and gives him a few strokes, but Pavel can barely feel it, as if the shape of Hikaru inside him is occupying all of his senses at the moment. He whines, feeling stupid, like a baby, because he thought this would be so easy, and maybe he was dumb to want it so much.
"Pasha," Hikaru whispers, making Pavel's eyes shoot open. They lock on Hikaru's, and Hikaru looks so scared. He licks his lips.
"How do you know -" Pavel starts to ask. His mother used to call him that.
"I - I was procrastinating, you know, at school, and I looked up the meaning of your name, and it meant 'small,' and I fucking teared up, because that's what you are, my little, little - and then it said the Russian nickname for Pavel was 'Pasha,' and I, I wanted to call you that, it seemed right, I don't know, oh, Pavel, do you need to stop?"
"No," Pavel says, answering before he realizes that this is true, he doesn't need to stop, it doesn't really hurt so much, it's just strange, something he needs to let himself adjust to. He pets Hikaru, heartbroken for the thought that maybe someone once didn't give him the chance, that this person hurt Hikaru badly enough to make him scared to try this with Pavel.
"Call me that again," Pavel whispers, still petting Hikaru.
"Pasha," Hikaru says. "Pasha, oh, God, I love you."
Pavel arches experimentally and gasps, the feeling so suddenly, inexplicably good, like the first time he worked a finger into himself and liked it, only ten thousand times more - what did Hikaru call it? - intense.
After that, the word 'intense' doesn't even come close. Pavel breathes hard into Hikaru's mouth as Hikaru begins to fuck him for real, asking between every breath is that okay, and all Pavel can do is nod and moan and lean up into it, spreading himself wider and wider, beginning to whine and thrash and need more and more. Hikaru increases his pace in careful increments, until Pavel cries and begs wordlessly for more. Hikaru gives it to him, breathing so hard, his hands flattened on the mattress, around Pavel's ears. Pavel can see it on Hikaru's face, how it almost hurts to try and stay quiet, and finally Pavel comes between their chests, sobbing until Hikaru fits his mouth over Pavel's, clumsy with the angle, biting Pavel's bottom lip hard enough to draw blood when he comes into him.
They both have tears in their eyes when they're through, Pavel with delirious laughter and Hikaru with whispered apologies, stroking him, two fingers against Pavel's neck like he's taking his pulse. Outside, the night gets colder and colder, and it feels good against Pavel's feverish skin, the cold that seeps in through the window behind him. Pavel shuts his eyes and Hikaru kisses over his closed eyelids, calling him Pasha, just like his mother because he loves Pavel that much, and nothing like his mother, because he loves Pavel like no one else ever has, like no one else ever will.
"Did you like your Christmas present?" Pavel asks, his voice cracking around the words, aware that he's affecting adorability. Hikaru snorts and licks Pavel from the tip of his nose to the corner of his eye.
"Yeah," he says. "No need to get me one for the rest of your life, 'cause, that. Yeah. God, Pavel."
They stay awake for awhile, laughing nervously, Hikaru asking Pavel if he's okay. Pavel expected to be sore, but he's not, he just feels different, opened, changed. He kisses Hikaru's face to reassure him, drinking in the smell of him, and the smell of his own skin, which seems new. When he rolls toward the window he smiles to himself, because there are the lightest, softest bits of dusty snow falling past it.
"Look at that," Hikaru says, pressing his chest to Pavel's back. "I bet it will only last five minutes."
"That's okay," Pavel says. He lifts Hikaru's hand to his mouth and kisses him across his knuckles, then at the fattest part of his palm. "Five minutes, it can mean something, very much."
Hikaru moans with understanding, kissing Pavel's neck. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asks.
"Yes," Pavel says. He watches as the snow thickens, feeling as if someone is listening to this conversation, trying to prove a point. "Hikaru?"
"Hmm?"
"Can you still feel me, a little? I think I can still feel you."
"Yeah, Pavel. Yeah."
Pavel falls asleep and dreams that his mother comes to the door in the morning, her arms loaded with presents, Mrs. Sulu welcoming her inside. In the dream, everyone knows that Hikaru is Pavel's boyfriend, and his mother is very fond of Hikaru, congratulating Pavel on finding someone who will treat him so well. The dream feels real for awhile, then when Pavel and his mother are in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on gingerbread Rivendell, Pavel realizes it must be a dream, because he's speaking to his mother in English, not Russian, and because she's been dead for ten years.
"Mama," he says, putting his hand over hers as she constructs a turret made of halved gumdrops. Her hand is cold. She looks up at Pavel and smiles softly, as if she's ashamed of the startling temperature of her skin.
"Will it still be snowing when I wake up?" he asks. In the dream, the question seems very important. His mother's smile grows warmer, and she touches his face.
"You always loved the snow," she says.
Pavel opens his eyes at the first light, as he's trained himself to do when he's sleeping in Hikaru's bed. They'll have to put a sleeping bag and some blankets on the floor by the bed and muss them so they look slept in. Pavel yawns and turns to the window. It's frozen on the outside, fogged with condensation on the inside. He gets up on his knees and uses his hand to wipe away the fog. Through the frost, he can't tell if there's snow on the ground or any still falling. Everything looks bluish and blurry.
"Pavel," Hikaru says, maybe talking in his sleep. Pavel turns and sees Hikaru groaning as he rolls onto his back, stretching his arms up over his head. He slumps back after his stretch and lets his breath out, staring at Pavel. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Nothing." Pavel crawls over to him and lets Hikaru pull the blankets up over his shoulder. Hikaru wraps him into his arms and kisses the top of his head.
"Feel okay?" Hikaru asks. Pavel pinches him, tired of the question, and Hikaru laughs.
"We should get up," Pavel says.
"Not yet. We've got a little time." Hikaru puts a leg over Pavel's side, possessively, and Pavel grins.
"What would they say if they knew about us?" Pavel asks. "Your parents?"
"If we wait until you're eighteen to tell them, they'll be happy. Before that, they'd fucking kill me."
"I think my mother would have liked you."
"I hope so. Your father would kick my ass if he knew."
"Pssh. He could not kick your ass."
"Good to know. Alright, you've succeeded in scaring me out of bed. I'm gonna go take a shower." He lifts Pavel's chin and gives him a kiss, despite the morning breath. He looks like he doesn't know what to say, still a little nervous about what he did.
"Do you think when we are old men together we will tell everyone the truth about how it all started?" Pavel asks, rubbing Hikaru's back, trying to reassure him. Hikaru grins.
"You mean about you beating off to my porn? Uh, probably not."
"But it was so romantic! Just hard to explain. Oh, Hikaru, I want this bed in our apartment! Can we bring it there?"
"Yeah, of course." Hikaru is really beaming now, and Pavel kisses his nose.
"Go take your shower," Pavel says, and Hikaru slides out of bed. He tucks the blankets back around Pavel before putting on his robe and crossing the hall to the bathroom. Pavel tries to go back to sleep, listening to the hiss of Hikaru's shower from across the hall, but he's not tired anymore, so he gets up and puts on his pajamas. He's had Christmas Eve with the Sulu family before, and he knows today will involve a lot of sitting around and playing video games with Hikaru and Anna while Mr. and Mrs. Sulu cook for the many relatives who will start showing up around four o'clock. Dinner will be long and indulgent, and Hikaru will sit at the kid's table in the kitchen with Anna and Pavel.
Pavel pads downstairs and pours himself some orange juice. Through the big windows in the living room he can see that there is a very fine layer of snow laced over the yard, and some still falling, more like glitter than the fat snowflakes he hoped for, maybe just blowing off the roof with the wind. He drinks his juice and turns when he hears someone coming down the stairs, thinking it will be Hikaru, but it's Anna, wearing her pajama pants and the tank top with the built-in bra that she's so proud of, now that she's finally got something to support. She's wearing her glasses and the stripey socks that she bought last time they went to the mall together. She walks up behind Pavel and pats down his wild curls.
"You're up early," she says.
"I was thirsty." Pavel offers her some juice. "Did you see the snow?"
"Yeah. Remember that one year when it was up to our knees and we had that epic snowball fight with the Pattersons?"
"Yes." Pavel grins. The Patterson brothers had always picked on Anna and Pavel, but they only got away with it when Hikaru wasn't around. He was around that day, thirteen years old and five inches taller than any of the Patterson brats, and he had two of them running home crying by the end of it, Anna and Pavel standing behind him for most of the fight, handing him new snowballs and bouncing around victoriously.
"What are you so happy about?" Anna asks. She squints her eyes and leans back a little. "You look different or something."
"Different?" Pavel blushes. He wishes he could tell her. "I'm not -- it's just --"
The pipes creak as the shower turns off upstairs, and Anna's eyes widen.
"Ah, I see," she says. "Hikaru is home."
"Yes, he came home last night, it's okay, he slept on the floor--"
Anna giggles and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, right, he slept on the floor. That's why you're all rosy-cheeked."
"What! Anna, no --"
"Pavel, yes! Don't be embarrassed. I could always tell you liked him. I always hoped he'd like you back eventually. He does like you, right? You're not just mooning over him still?"
Pavel's mouth hangs open for a moment. He's not sure how to respond; he's always suspected that he can trust Anna with this, but he swore to Hikaru that he wouldn't tell anyone, not even Anna.
Behind them, Hikaru thunders down the stairs in a t-shirt and flannel pants, rubbing a towel through his wet hair.
"There you are," he says, looking at Pavel. He glances at his sister as if he's just noticed that she's there. "What?" he barks, blushing.
"Nothing, dickface," Anna says. "Merry Christmas."
"It's not Christmas until tomorrow," Hikaru says. He heads into the kitchen and begins making coffee. Anna grabs Pavel's arm and beams at him.
"Fine, don't tell me," she whispers. "I figured it out myself, anyway, by the way he looks at you now." She gives Pavel's temple a sharp kiss. "He looks at you like he loves you, it's so cute."
"Don't tell anyone!" Pavel whispers.
"Duh."
Pavel spends the rest of the morning on the couch between Hikaru and Anna, watching Trading Places and wishing he could cuddle against Hikaru's chest, but it's enough just to be close to him, sneaking looks and smelling his shampoo, and Pavel is glad that Anna knows, that someone does, because he's felt a bit like he's been living in a dream for the past year, and now he knows for sure that it's real, not just because Anna can see it on Hikaru's face, but because he can feel it inside him, even now, some secret part of Hikaru that he'll never have to give back.
//
the end.
Art for the story by kittyjimjams!