Well now, Lex, what have we here? This looks to be a ways away from Smallville...
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Wow, I wasn't quite expecting to have such a difficult question crop up first. I love a number of different cheeses, but which one is best completely depends on the occasion. For example, if I were drinking a full bodied red wine, I'd want gorgonzola or maybe stilton. If, on the other hand, I'm tossing back a light dry white, I might want some cheddar or fontina. I suppose, if forced to pick only one, I'd have to go with cheddar as it's the most snackable cheese.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
God, can't I take them both out with an RPG? If I have to pick one, I take Carrottop - he's far more visually offensive than Barney and I can block out the sound of happy children with ease.
3. What time is it where you are?
Well, back home it's about 6:30 PM, which means it should be... about 1:30AM here I believe (In Paris at the moment; the clock next to my hotel bed is flashing midnight. I'll have to fix that eventually).
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Tonks. Goddamn that color changing hair gets me hot and she's just so cute and sexy anyway. I'd clearly have to start off with some heavy handed inuendo and move on to maybe some "accidental" contact. Then it all comes down to body sports; I excell at those. Plus, her name is Nyphadora. NYMPHadora. You know she's fun in the sack. You just do.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I don't know if it's particularly clever or witty, but I did recently open a club downtown I've called Envy. The neon is green, as is the cash flow (and the Absynthe I keep stashed for my favorite guests). I do like to hop behind the bar on occasion to make sure the staff isn't stealing from me and to have a little fun.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I'm certainly not pushing for Hufflepuff, but I'm curious - is this even a remotely fair task? I don't believe this is possible. Why don't you ask them to do something more fair like... put on lipstick and leather pants and then die?
EDIT: I AM NOT ACTUALLY PUSHING PUFF. I felt I should make this more clear, I just wanted to state my feelings on the question
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
If I am not squibbed, I will treat the members of this community to a party the likes of which they have never seen. The food will be amazing, the atmosphere engaging, and the fun times never-ending... until they end of course, but still, fun times. That, and, I suppose I could give the mods each a car from my father's garage. I'm sure he'll never notice.
((Also, I tried getting in touch with Lana before reaching out to this fine community, but I never seemed to get ahold of her. EDITED))