By Grabthar's Hammer, By the Suns of Warvan...
Current Application: Sir Alexander Dane ...but you may know me as Dr. Lazarus of Tev'Meck if you're a f*cking delusional fanboy
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
When afforded the luxury of food that is somewhat edible, it's usually a pint of something nasty from the nearest pub. And if I'm lucky, I might accidentally order something with cheese on it. Well... orange stuff, at least.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Carrottop... he's the giggling prat with the Hammer? No. That's Gallagher... I cannot tolerate hammers. And I cannot tolerate middle-aged children rising from their mothers' basements to quote things I said eleven years ago at me as if it somehow makes us friends. If it weren't for what measly royalties I still receive, I'd give them a trademark Dr. Lazarus constipated grimace, and a hearty "By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan, I'll shove this microphone up your arse!"
Carrottop, if I must.
3. What time is it where you are?
What does it really matter? My career is nonexistent, my second wife (finally) left me, and I've been kidnapped by aliens who think I'm some sort of angsty warrior scientist, killed more aliens, returned to Earth, and been forced to continue this empty existence of Galaxy Quest conventions and drunken musings to strangers in pubs.
... is there a pub, nearby?
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Severus Snape. He's incredibly attractive.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Anything but 'Grabthar's Hammer'. I don't like the idea of a pub taunting more than they already do.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Harry should... that child is too scrawny to be a Hero. Someone should feed him... and George seems the motherly type. So him.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
If by 'dispose', you mean shuffling piles of papers from one corner of the desk to the other to make it look as if you've actually done some work, I think I can solve your problem.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I played Richard III... I was an Actor, once. Five curtain calls. Five curtain calls. Now look at me... I refuse to say those damn lines one more time, heaven help the person who asks.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
I own several European sports cars that are absolutely of no use to me, because I cannot drive. And a few props lying around that I haven't sold yet to fund another sports car.
And I will not, under any circumstances, say those lines. I'd rather be squibbed, and I presume you'd rather be alive.