Jesus H. Christ, from "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal"
There is a sudden burst of golden light in the sitting room, and the songs of angels reverberate against the stone walls. A flock of doves spiral out of the center of the light and up into the rafters as a booming voice declares, “THIS IS MY SON, WITH WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED.”
Out of the light walks a figure clad in robes of purest white, with a traditional blue sash. The man, bearded with long brown hair, looks as if he’s stepped out of a stained glass window. He begins to move, and then his sandal catches on the hem of his robes. He trips and falls on the floor with a painful sounding ‘crack’. The light manages to convey a sigh and then vanishes.
The man picks himself up and brushes off his robes. His hands have rather large holes in them, and he has a series of scars across his forehead. With a sheepish smile he says, “Hi. Sorry about that. My Dad likes some pageantry whenever I assume mortal form. I’m, um… Joshua bar Jehovah. I think you’d know me as Jesus H. Christ. You might also know me as the Lamb of God, the Christ, the Savior, the Messiah, the Chosen One, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Prince of Peace, that preachy guy from Nazareth….” He trails off and offers another sheepish smile to the room at large. “I’ve got a lot of names. You can call me Josh, though.” He turns his attention to the application.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Well, I am fond of feta, though I think I like yak milk cheese best. It’s an acquired taste, and I happened to acquire it when I was studying at the Buddhist monastery under the Wise Man Gaspar. When your main meal is a bowl of unsalted rice every day when you’re not fasting to attain enlightenment, you start to like anything else they feed you.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Um… neither. I don’t know if you’ve heard of me or my message, but I’m… I’m kinda against the whole violence and killing thing. Ever hear of ‘turn the other cheek’? *slightly sheepishly* Um, that was me. I don’t really like killing flies or anything either. I bring them back to life.
3. What time is it where you are?
I was just in Heaven. Um… existence is eternal there and we’re kinda… outside time. It’s hard to explain because it’s something that’s so large and expansive it can’t fit into the very limited human mind. *thoughtfully* That’s the worst thing about making yourself mortal. The limits to your thinking.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sorry. I’m celibate. Always have been, always will be. I used to be more upset with it than I am now. I’ve gotten pretty used to it. *pause* That Tonks girl reminds me of Mary Magdelene, though, but… *hastily* No, celibate. Yep. That’s me. Celibate. Always have been, always will be.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Wedding at Cana. Heard of that one? I turned water into wine. I’d do that every night. It was actually a fun celebration until I heard about John the Baptist getting his head lopped off. Then I got drunk for the first (and last!) time and declared that whenever anything bad happened to me, there would be bunnies because they were nice and cuddly and took the sting out of death. That resulted in the Easter Bunny and a lot of really awkward questions when I got back to Heaven.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Um… let me think. Okay, so the Bhagavad Gita is all about this god named Krishna advising the warrior Arjuna as he drives his chariot into battle and the gist of what Krishna says is that everything that is, is meant to be, and also that Arjuna shouldn’t worry about killing the enemy because the enemy is already dead. So Harry should listen to the voice of God first and then that which is meant to be, will be. *thinks a moment* Also, the Romans believe in this God named Hermes, which sounds a lot like Harry, and Hermes also had some interaction with the dead. So Harry apparently should end up with the one who’s nearest to death. *pause* That’s kinda grim. I think Harry should focus on loving God before he loves anyone else, though. Once you love God, you can love the bit of God that’s inside everyone, and that makes relationships so much easier.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
*sweeps his hand, as if clearing a desk* Well, it’s not there anymore. You sure that your library shelves just haven’t been collapsing and people put the scrolls and things on your desk? It might also be how you’re, um… disposing of it. If you’re just throwing it away or burning it or something, then people are going to keep putting the same papers on your desk until you finally fill them out.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Um… I am the Son of God and have authority over Heaven and Earth, for what that’s worth. I can turn water into wine, multiply bread and fish and just about any food you give me, calm storms, cast out devils, heal the sick, and cure the lame, blind, mute, deaf, etc. I invented judo (literally, “the way of the Jew”), and I can also heal you of your pain, fear, suffering, or guilt. I know how to do carpentry and stone masonry and… I know most of the religious and philosophical teachings there are. Not all of them, since I’m a human and limited, but I can guide people to the Truth (incidentally, I’m pretty sure that’s me. I don’t mean to sound boastful or proud or anything, so sorry if you get that vibe). Oh, I can forgive sins and grant people Eternal Life since I died and was ressurected. That seems pretty useful to me.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Well, believe in me and I’ll grant you Eternal Life. That’s a pretty good deal, I think. Also, I can give you most anything you wish if it will bring glory to God or if it will help you to believe in me. Though, technically speaking, I’m against bribes. Um… here, they’re not bribes, they’ll be gifts from a loving God who cares for you and created you. *a pause* You can stick your fingers into the holes in my hands and feet too. That’s pretty cool.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ____JHC________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____JHC_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___JHC________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____JHC________"
Out of the light walks a figure clad in robes of purest white, with a traditional blue sash. The man, bearded with long brown hair, looks as if he’s stepped out of a stained glass window. He begins to move, and then his sandal catches on the hem of his robes. He trips and falls on the floor with a painful sounding ‘crack’. The light manages to convey a sigh and then vanishes.
The man picks himself up and brushes off his robes. His hands have rather large holes in them, and he has a series of scars across his forehead. With a sheepish smile he says, “Hi. Sorry about that. My Dad likes some pageantry whenever I assume mortal form. I’m, um… Joshua bar Jehovah. I think you’d know me as Jesus H. Christ. You might also know me as the Lamb of God, the Christ, the Savior, the Messiah, the Chosen One, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Prince of Peace, that preachy guy from Nazareth….” He trails off and offers another sheepish smile to the room at large. “I’ve got a lot of names. You can call me Josh, though.” He turns his attention to the application.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Well, I am fond of feta, though I think I like yak milk cheese best. It’s an acquired taste, and I happened to acquire it when I was studying at the Buddhist monastery under the Wise Man Gaspar. When your main meal is a bowl of unsalted rice every day when you’re not fasting to attain enlightenment, you start to like anything else they feed you.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Um… neither. I don’t know if you’ve heard of me or my message, but I’m… I’m kinda against the whole violence and killing thing. Ever hear of ‘turn the other cheek’? *slightly sheepishly* Um, that was me. I don’t really like killing flies or anything either. I bring them back to life.
3. What time is it where you are?
I was just in Heaven. Um… existence is eternal there and we’re kinda… outside time. It’s hard to explain because it’s something that’s so large and expansive it can’t fit into the very limited human mind. *thoughtfully* That’s the worst thing about making yourself mortal. The limits to your thinking.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Sorry. I’m celibate. Always have been, always will be. I used to be more upset with it than I am now. I’ve gotten pretty used to it. *pause* That Tonks girl reminds me of Mary Magdelene, though, but… *hastily* No, celibate. Yep. That’s me. Celibate. Always have been, always will be.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Wedding at Cana. Heard of that one? I turned water into wine. I’d do that every night. It was actually a fun celebration until I heard about John the Baptist getting his head lopped off. Then I got drunk for the first (and last!) time and declared that whenever anything bad happened to me, there would be bunnies because they were nice and cuddly and took the sting out of death. That resulted in the Easter Bunny and a lot of really awkward questions when I got back to Heaven.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Um… let me think. Okay, so the Bhagavad Gita is all about this god named Krishna advising the warrior Arjuna as he drives his chariot into battle and the gist of what Krishna says is that everything that is, is meant to be, and also that Arjuna shouldn’t worry about killing the enemy because the enemy is already dead. So Harry should listen to the voice of God first and then that which is meant to be, will be. *thinks a moment* Also, the Romans believe in this God named Hermes, which sounds a lot like Harry, and Hermes also had some interaction with the dead. So Harry apparently should end up with the one who’s nearest to death. *pause* That’s kinda grim. I think Harry should focus on loving God before he loves anyone else, though. Once you love God, you can love the bit of God that’s inside everyone, and that makes relationships so much easier.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
*sweeps his hand, as if clearing a desk* Well, it’s not there anymore. You sure that your library shelves just haven’t been collapsing and people put the scrolls and things on your desk? It might also be how you’re, um… disposing of it. If you’re just throwing it away or burning it or something, then people are going to keep putting the same papers on your desk until you finally fill them out.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Um… I am the Son of God and have authority over Heaven and Earth, for what that’s worth. I can turn water into wine, multiply bread and fish and just about any food you give me, calm storms, cast out devils, heal the sick, and cure the lame, blind, mute, deaf, etc. I invented judo (literally, “the way of the Jew”), and I can also heal you of your pain, fear, suffering, or guilt. I know how to do carpentry and stone masonry and… I know most of the religious and philosophical teachings there are. Not all of them, since I’m a human and limited, but I can guide people to the Truth (incidentally, I’m pretty sure that’s me. I don’t mean to sound boastful or proud or anything, so sorry if you get that vibe). Oh, I can forgive sins and grant people Eternal Life since I died and was ressurected. That seems pretty useful to me.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Well, believe in me and I’ll grant you Eternal Life. That’s a pretty good deal, I think. Also, I can give you most anything you wish if it will bring glory to God or if it will help you to believe in me. Though, technically speaking, I’m against bribes. Um… here, they’re not bribes, they’ll be gifts from a loving God who cares for you and created you. *a pause* You can stick your fingers into the holes in my hands and feet too. That’s pretty cool.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ____JHC________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____JHC_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___JHC________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____JHC________"