Valentine Wolfe, Simon R. Green's Deathstalker Saga
Valentine Wolfe, tall and painfully thin and pale, appears in the Sorting Room. He seems mildly surprised and looks around with interest and distaste. "What an interesting taste in decor you have. Very quaint and archaic, if you're into that sort of thing. If the Church was right and I'm in Hell now, it's quite lacking in menace. I've seen scarier things in my breakfast."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Ah, so Hell has a questionnaire. What a nice, discerning place. I'm rather fond of cheese, particularly Virimonde's. It was so deliciously expensive, and has probably skyrocketed in price as of late." He giggles, a not-completely pleasant and mostly disturbing sound.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Why not both? Not that I have any clue who they are, but it could be entertaining for a while. And Carrottop sounds like one of those nicknames that the elves and rebels like to give themselves. Not that I have anything against the elves and rebels, but they haven't figured into my plans for quite some time now."
3. What time is it where you are?
"Well, it was a very pleasant afternoon on Golgotha. Dear Constance had a sense of style after all, as it caught her hair in just the right fashion. One must look stunning when one is being crowned a monarch, after all." His wide crimson smile is somehow now reminiscent of some sort of rabid, predatory animal.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Oh, sexual harrassment is so passe. There's so many more interesting taboos to be broken."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Ah, the noble art of inebriation. I suppose I'd call it the Lottery. Such a deceptively simple name, though true to the experience. I do so love to spike things with my little treats." He reaches into a pocket and grins wider as he pulls out a small silver box. He takes out a small tab, presses it with practiced ease against the vein in his neck, and smiles impossibly wider as his pupils dialate even more. "And so Hell has seen fit to grant me a few of my favored playthings."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Marriage, that wonderful institution responsible for ruining more lives throughout the ages than the Iron Bitch did in hers. I was almost married once, you know. My bride punched me walking up the aisle and ran to a convent. Apparently caring for a leper colony was preferable to my presence. No hard feelings, it was entirely a personal conflict. Such a pity, she made me bleed all over my lovely white veil. I suppose I still haven't answered the question. I suppose I should say that he should do his duty and marry whoever his Family chooses for him. Or he could pick one and keep the other as a concubine. And I suppose there's always a group marriage, if he wants to really piss off the Church. It seemed to work for those Stevie Blues quite well."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Paperwork is for people who aren't important enough for hired help. And if you do have hired help, you should probably kill him and find someone who'll get the job done more efficiently. Good help is so hard to find these days, wouldn't you say?"
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Hm, my dear departed father would probably have something to say about that. You'll notice he's not around anymore. People always underestimate me, though that can come in useful sometimes. My body chemistry's so far beyond the human norm that I can probably be looked on as the next evolutionary step. Though the esper drug seems to have worn off and my lovely erstwhile allies of Shub seem to have seen fit to remove their nanotech. Pity. I was also briefly the Lord of Virimonde, though that little joke became old quickly. And I was very nearly Emperor, before Shub decided that our interests were no longer in common. And I suppose you can argue that anyone who's been to Court as often as me and lived to tell about it is either a cunning or lucky bastard."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"The time-honored bribe! It's not often I find myself on the giving end of these anymore. What a treat. I suppose I could offer you some of my drugs, though most of them aren't for dilettantes. It could be amusing for me to watch, though. Possibly for you as well. I don't suppose my Family's fortune is any good here, so monetary compensation is out. Hiring myself out is so tacky, but I suppose I can make an exception. I can scheme with the best of the aristocracy, and my mind is so quick from my little chemical companions that I can out-think any of those inbred, shortsighted people any day of the week." He pulls out a half-crushed rose with thick, fleshy purple petals from his pocket, pulls out a petal and chews it. Some scarlet liquid escapes, making him look like an inked vampire. "So do I pass?"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___VW_________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ___VW________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____VW_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____VW________"
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Ah, so Hell has a questionnaire. What a nice, discerning place. I'm rather fond of cheese, particularly Virimonde's. It was so deliciously expensive, and has probably skyrocketed in price as of late." He giggles, a not-completely pleasant and mostly disturbing sound.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Why not both? Not that I have any clue who they are, but it could be entertaining for a while. And Carrottop sounds like one of those nicknames that the elves and rebels like to give themselves. Not that I have anything against the elves and rebels, but they haven't figured into my plans for quite some time now."
3. What time is it where you are?
"Well, it was a very pleasant afternoon on Golgotha. Dear Constance had a sense of style after all, as it caught her hair in just the right fashion. One must look stunning when one is being crowned a monarch, after all." His wide crimson smile is somehow now reminiscent of some sort of rabid, predatory animal.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Oh, sexual harrassment is so passe. There's so many more interesting taboos to be broken."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Ah, the noble art of inebriation. I suppose I'd call it the Lottery. Such a deceptively simple name, though true to the experience. I do so love to spike things with my little treats." He reaches into a pocket and grins wider as he pulls out a small silver box. He takes out a small tab, presses it with practiced ease against the vein in his neck, and smiles impossibly wider as his pupils dialate even more. "And so Hell has seen fit to grant me a few of my favored playthings."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Marriage, that wonderful institution responsible for ruining more lives throughout the ages than the Iron Bitch did in hers. I was almost married once, you know. My bride punched me walking up the aisle and ran to a convent. Apparently caring for a leper colony was preferable to my presence. No hard feelings, it was entirely a personal conflict. Such a pity, she made me bleed all over my lovely white veil. I suppose I still haven't answered the question. I suppose I should say that he should do his duty and marry whoever his Family chooses for him. Or he could pick one and keep the other as a concubine. And I suppose there's always a group marriage, if he wants to really piss off the Church. It seemed to work for those Stevie Blues quite well."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Paperwork is for people who aren't important enough for hired help. And if you do have hired help, you should probably kill him and find someone who'll get the job done more efficiently. Good help is so hard to find these days, wouldn't you say?"
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Hm, my dear departed father would probably have something to say about that. You'll notice he's not around anymore. People always underestimate me, though that can come in useful sometimes. My body chemistry's so far beyond the human norm that I can probably be looked on as the next evolutionary step. Though the esper drug seems to have worn off and my lovely erstwhile allies of Shub seem to have seen fit to remove their nanotech. Pity. I was also briefly the Lord of Virimonde, though that little joke became old quickly. And I was very nearly Emperor, before Shub decided that our interests were no longer in common. And I suppose you can argue that anyone who's been to Court as often as me and lived to tell about it is either a cunning or lucky bastard."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"The time-honored bribe! It's not often I find myself on the giving end of these anymore. What a treat. I suppose I could offer you some of my drugs, though most of them aren't for dilettantes. It could be amusing for me to watch, though. Possibly for you as well. I don't suppose my Family's fortune is any good here, so monetary compensation is out. Hiring myself out is so tacky, but I suppose I can make an exception. I can scheme with the best of the aristocracy, and my mind is so quick from my little chemical companions that I can out-think any of those inbred, shortsighted people any day of the week." He pulls out a half-crushed rose with thick, fleshy purple petals from his pocket, pulls out a petal and chews it. Some scarlet liquid escapes, making him look like an inked vampire. "So do I pass?"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___VW_________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ___VW________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____VW_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____VW________"