Application for Spider Jerusalem of Transmetropolitan
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese, I think, was the first instance of scientific masturbation on the part of humanity. No love affair has endured so long as the human race's sordid, passionate hard-on for itself; this may have been the first kiss, the first love letter, the first handjob behind a dumpster. Something like this: this milk makes babies strong. And us, too. But... (oh, oh, touch me there) we are better than animals (mmm, mm, harder, just like that) so we are going to leave it out to rot (oooh, my nipples) despite the fact that decay renders food completely inedible (umm, umm, ooooh, yes)... voila! Now it is a curdled, hard offense against god and nature! Oh! Oh! I'm coming!
And so forth.
Incidentally, my favorite was a batch of Reblochon I had when I was covering the war in France. It was fresh, and produced by mostly organic processes, and it tasted better than anything I'd ever tried before.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Barney is low and insipid, but he teaches the children. Carrottop has no such redeeming factor and should be strung from his testicles by razorwire and used as a pinata by blind prison inmates.
3. What time is it where you are?
Time for a cigarette.
If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Molly Weasley, with a traditional grope to her pleasantly oversized bottom.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I want nothing to do with Slytherins, for they are inbred and useless. They are LARVAL POLITICIANS and should be sprayed for so that they cannot reach their contagion-spreading adult form.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
It is never the wrong time for an orgy. Harry should seize the day. Or seize his own cock and watch, as Gryffindors have a long tradition of jerking off to their own splendor.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
They are obviously breeding, and you are treating symptom and not cause. UNTIL you have quarantined the mature adults and spayed them, every last one, your desk will continue to be overrun. Breeding pairs can be identified by patterns of black or red markings reading 'followup required' or 'Form 1 of 35'.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I am a teller of truth. You may think that the truth is useless-- in fact, I encourage it. It will make it easier for the truth to bite you on the ass.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
I have many fine drugs of all shapes and assortments. And I will share them. I also have a good line on illegal bowel disruptors, and a large supply of smokable.