Application: George Oscar Bluth II ("GOB")
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
*munches hamburger thoughtfully* I dunno... who wants to eat something that's been inside of a cow? Ew... so *munch munch* maybe some kind of space-age synthe-cheese?
Yeah, there's a business opportunity here. GOBIAS Industries presents: Magic Cheese! "It's not from the inside of a cow, and it's made by *points to self* a real magician."
*eyes the room suspiciously*
I'm copyrighting that.
Nobody steals my Magic Cheese.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
*Anybody* could kill Barney. Just a quick jab to the neck while he's singing his "I love me" song, and its "Lights out, Barnardo." (Which is 'Barney' in Spanish.) I'd save Barney for later.
Now Carrot Top... he's got that box of props that could have anything in it. Which is why I've charged to the company credit card bought this $14,000 weapons-deployment box.
*pulls out a box, presses a button; a 'sproing' noise; the box lofts an AK-47 towards him; he tries to catch, misses; it lands on the floor & fires a stray round; distant scream*
Well, like that, only I'll catch it. And I'll be fully armado, but Carrothead will have a rubber chicken. 'cos he's a great big chicken. You hear that, Carrotman?! Chicken! Co-ka-co-ka-co-ka-COH!
3. What time is it where you are?
*checks watch* It's 4:15. *turns to ventriloquist's dummy* Right, Franklin?
"I'll *TELL* you what time it is! It's time for Whitey to get his *bleeeeep*kin' hand out of my *bleep*, you *bleep*mmmph!"
*subdues the dummy, who struggles a bit*
Heh, heh -- Franklin! Such a cut-up. Ahem.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
*stumbles over a completely-shouldn't-exist list of Members of the Order*
Hmm. So one of you is named "Nymphadora"? So she's a nympho... and she likes the Doors. (In the chatrooms, I go by "TantricEurope" myself. *'call me' gesture*)
So when I'm back from the Dead, I'd get her alone, put on a little CD of myself singing "L. A. Woman", and then... well, then she'd probably want to talk about our relationship. And where it was going. And what she really wanted out of it. But what about me? What about *my* needs?! DON'T I DO *ENOUGH* FOR YOU, WOMAN?! I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!
Sorry... what was the question?
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin: please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Hmm. Well, Lindsay worked at Rud. For one night. And she wasn't really 'bartending' so much as 'ordering vodka'.
Long story short -- none of us are allowed there any more, just because *Michael* couldn't *bleep* a publicist!
But you know he's only slept with, like, five women, right?
B. Gryffindor: Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Oh, so Harry's got *twins* after him, eh? You sly dog. And chicks using *guy* names... that's hot.
Well don't look now, Harry, but GOB's been goin' after Frederique. (Or was it "Georgerique"? Either way, she's got the most beautiful long red hair.) *cell phone rings* Who is "F Wsly"?
But myths? How about 'the myth of marriage being anything but trouble?!' Sure, one minute you're having fun riding your shopping carts down the hill, and the next, you've got a seal... *thousand-mile stare*... a seal with the taste for mammal blood. *snaps out of it*
Turn back, Harry. Turn back before it's too late!
C. Ravenclaw: You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
You guys *say* you know magic. Well, what if I told you that all of those papers could just *music kicks in* disappear? *pulls out a blanket; waves it about like a toreador; lays it over the desk*
Sounds crazy, huh?
*with some difficulty, yanks the blanket off the desk. it leaves gobs of adhesive, bits of stripped veneer, and a few of the papers behind.*
Crazy... like a fox. Without papers. *tries to brush the last papers off the desk; they are now stuck firmly in place* A crazy, paperless fox. *bows*
D. Hufflepuff: Prove you are not useless.
Like the guy in the $800 suit has to prove anything! COME ON!!
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe.
How about the gift... of FIRE! *whips his right hand forward; a tiny balloon of lighter fluid flips out and lamely splats on the ground* *checks right sleeve* What is *with* this flint?
Looks like you're lucky enough to get a little bit of plan B. *is joined by strippers in cop uniforms* The gift... of DANCE!
*"Hot Cops" theme kicks in; dancing, stripping commences*