Application: Jesse Pinkman (Breaking Bad)
In the middle of the Hogwarts Sorting Room stood a young man in sweatpants, a large t-shirt, and a heavy, hooded sweatshirt. His name was Jesse Pinkman. Jesse's arms hung at his sides, fidgeting with his sweatshirt as he glanced around awkwardly.
Nearby, there was a table with what appeared to be application forms.
"The hell is this?" he muttered to himself. To his astonishment, the words he'd just spoken formed at the top of the page. Eyes widening, he glanced around the room rapidly. Then he folded his arms and held the paper up for examination.
"Uhh..." The paper quickly added this comment.
Eyebrow raised in lingering skepticism and alarm, Jesse nonetheless decided to forge ahead.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Favorite cheese? I don't know, mozzarella? Parmesan?"
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Jesse thought for a moment. "That's a tough call. Guess I gotta go with Carrottop. That was some aggravating shit." A pause and a sideways glance. "This is hypothetical, though, right?"
3. What time is it where you are?
Jesse whipped out his cell phone to check. "2:18. In the PM. Biotch."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"I don't know, whoever's hottest? Of the chicks, I mean -- I don't do dudes. Not that I have a problem with that -- it's cool, I guess. Just. Not really my thing. And I'm not really into harassment, either, to be honest. But if a girl wants to have a good time, hell, I'm down with that. Totally down." Another pause. "What's the Order of the Pheonix?"
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Clever and witty, huh? Shit, man, I don't know... It's gotta be good, I guess. Can I think on for a while? I'm pretty good at sales and advertising and shit, but I gotta think it through first, you know? Maybe come up with a theme or some shit like that."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Yo, what the fuck is up with this application? First that shit about sexual harassment and some Pheonix shit I've never heard of -- now this?"
Jesse ran a hand over his head and groaned, trying to think. "I guess... The Greeks were into banging each other, right? So they've gotta have some relevant mythologies to this kind of situation, right? I can't remember any specific ones though... There's that one about, like, the Achilles tendon, but that had to do with a girl, I think. I don't know, yo. Seems to me like mythology is the wrong place to look for answers about this kinda shit anyway. This Harry guy should just go with whoever he likes the best."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
"You got a shitty job? I don't know."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Uh..." Jesse heaved a frustrated sigh. "Ok, contrary to popular belief, I'm not useless. Not to my customers. Not to my partner, though he'll probably tell you otherwise. But he woulda got nowhere without me. Wouldn't have known where to begin. I know the business, I've got the street knowledge. This whole project has basically been one big shit parade, but, no lie, every screwup's been because of some stupid idea he had. And I listened to him because he's supposed to be smart, you know? Mr. Science-Teacher, Upstanding Citizen." Jesse laughed a pained sort of laughed. "Yeah, right."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"A bribe? Well, uh..." Jesse looked around anxiously and scratched the back of his head. Was this some kind of bizarre, elaborate trick by the DEA? Or was that paranoid? "Alright, look. I don't have anything right now but I can get you something soon... I'm a pretty good cook, if you know what I mean. And if I can find my partner, we'll make the best shit you'll ever find. No lie. It's gotten some very good reviews from some big-time, uh... names in the business. Connoisseurs. So are we square? ... Whoever this is?"
Jesse looked around for something to happen, arms dangling idly again.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___JBP_____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____JBP_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____JBP_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____JBP_____."
Nearby, there was a table with what appeared to be application forms.
"The hell is this?" he muttered to himself. To his astonishment, the words he'd just spoken formed at the top of the page. Eyes widening, he glanced around the room rapidly. Then he folded his arms and held the paper up for examination.
"Uhh..." The paper quickly added this comment.
Eyebrow raised in lingering skepticism and alarm, Jesse nonetheless decided to forge ahead.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Favorite cheese? I don't know, mozzarella? Parmesan?"
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Jesse thought for a moment. "That's a tough call. Guess I gotta go with Carrottop. That was some aggravating shit." A pause and a sideways glance. "This is hypothetical, though, right?"
3. What time is it where you are?
Jesse whipped out his cell phone to check. "2:18. In the PM. Biotch."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"I don't know, whoever's hottest? Of the chicks, I mean -- I don't do dudes. Not that I have a problem with that -- it's cool, I guess. Just. Not really my thing. And I'm not really into harassment, either, to be honest. But if a girl wants to have a good time, hell, I'm down with that. Totally down." Another pause. "What's the Order of the Pheonix?"
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Clever and witty, huh? Shit, man, I don't know... It's gotta be good, I guess. Can I think on for a while? I'm pretty good at sales and advertising and shit, but I gotta think it through first, you know? Maybe come up with a theme or some shit like that."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Yo, what the fuck is up with this application? First that shit about sexual harassment and some Pheonix shit I've never heard of -- now this?"
Jesse ran a hand over his head and groaned, trying to think. "I guess... The Greeks were into banging each other, right? So they've gotta have some relevant mythologies to this kind of situation, right? I can't remember any specific ones though... There's that one about, like, the Achilles tendon, but that had to do with a girl, I think. I don't know, yo. Seems to me like mythology is the wrong place to look for answers about this kinda shit anyway. This Harry guy should just go with whoever he likes the best."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
"You got a shitty job? I don't know."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
"Uh..." Jesse heaved a frustrated sigh. "Ok, contrary to popular belief, I'm not useless. Not to my customers. Not to my partner, though he'll probably tell you otherwise. But he woulda got nowhere without me. Wouldn't have known where to begin. I know the business, I've got the street knowledge. This whole project has basically been one big shit parade, but, no lie, every screwup's been because of some stupid idea he had. And I listened to him because he's supposed to be smart, you know? Mr. Science-Teacher, Upstanding Citizen." Jesse laughed a pained sort of laughed. "Yeah, right."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"A bribe? Well, uh..." Jesse looked around anxiously and scratched the back of his head. Was this some kind of bizarre, elaborate trick by the DEA? Or was that paranoid? "Alright, look. I don't have anything right now but I can get you something soon... I'm a pretty good cook, if you know what I mean. And if I can find my partner, we'll make the best shit you'll ever find. No lie. It's gotten some very good reviews from some big-time, uh... names in the business. Connoisseurs. So are we square? ... Whoever this is?"
Jesse looked around for something to happen, arms dangling idly again.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___JBP_____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____JBP_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____JBP_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____JBP_____."