The Unpopping of Tamaki Suou

[kotatsu_tono]

POP

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[mello_n_choco]

"Daddy? What, knocking up some girl already?" I lean against the doorway, nibbling chocolate. I wonder, just how crazy is he?

[kotatsu_tono]

Tamaki jumps - stickily - to his feet.

"Haruhi is my child because I have taken her under my wing, teaching her the ways not only of the privileged nobility, but that of the Host! Admittedly Haruhi is a natural rookie, but I protect and oversee her in every aspect of life!" He turns and thrusts an outstretched finger into Mello's face. "I would never do something that would shame girl in that way!"

He gets a little worked up sometimes.

[mello_n_choco]

I wonder if I'd catch anything if I bit his hand for shoving it in my face. Meh. I slap his hand away. "So, you're a 'protector,' then." The word is snide. Meddler, fool, incompetent. "It's only a shame if you do not take responsibility," I say blandly. Though, there are other situations that would bring shame. "Is there any particular reason you are covered in butter and just emerged from what appears to be popcorn? Is it a school activity?"

[kotatsu_tono]

Tamaki misses the snideness of the comment, and instead looks rather taken by the concept. "Protector! Yes - as founder, no, king of our be-knighted Host Club, it is my duty to protect the virtue of our clients! As well as protecting items and persons of beauty," here he tosses his head, "much like the dedicated curator of a museum!"

He stops flailing and posing suddenly to peer at Mello. A sudden thought strikes him. "The leather! The hair! The facial scarring! You would be a perfect sub-category of the devil type!" Tamaki bows low, then offers his hand. "Have you ever considered joining the Host Club?"

[mello_n_choco]

If I had any chocolate in my mouth, I might have spit it at him. Terrible waste. "Devil type? Host Club?" Never mind he completely missed the first part of my question. "Are you on something?"

[kotatsu_tono]

"You haven't heard of the Host Club? We're the most popular society in the school!"

Of course, Tamaki means 'Ouran High School', not 'Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry'. Which is fair enough, since he's never heard of Hogwarts.

"Then you must be an exchange student of some kind! Do you know Mitsukuni Haninozuka and Takashi Morinozuka yet?" Because Mello must be a senior, at least.

[mello_n_choco]

Okay, one of us is lost, and I know how to get back to my room. "Okay, let's start from the beginning, then. Who are you and where do you think you are?"

[kotatsu_tono]

"I am Tamaki Suou!" Tamaki declares, using the western order since this person doesn't appear to be Japanese. He does a little twirl that would be much more impressive with sparkles, but he can make do without. "This is Ouran High School, and I believed myself to be in the Third Music Room, but clearly I am mistaken." A hint of doubt creeps into his voice. "Unless this is our current theme? But as founder of the Host Club I should have been informed! I would have vetoed it immediately!"

Popcorn, no matter how prettily displayed, is neither romantic nor particularly flattering.

[mello_n_choco]

"Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. The sign outside the door says 'Popcorn Room,'" I explain dryly. If this guy were any more flamboyant, I'd have to lock him up on general principle. I decide to be a little nice. "I'm Mello."

[kotatsu_tono]

"A witchcraft theme?" Yeah, Tamaki still hasn't got it. "The Dark Magic Club might not take kindly to that... although we did help Nekozawa-sempai with his sister!" He clicks his fingers. "Perhaps he will even help us pick accessories!"

[mello_n_choco]

Once more...I can do this once more. I put my chocolate bar in a pocket and grab his shirt. Butter...nasty. "Look, Tamaki, you are not at Ouran High school anymore. There is no host club here. There may be a dark magic club, for all I know, but I've not heard of anyone named 'Nekozawa-sempai.'" I pull him close. "Understand?"

[kotatsu_tono]

Whoa! Tamaki is not used to being manhandled in this way! He flails a little, trying to get out of Mello's grip.

"Of course I'm at Ouran! How could I not be?" His eyes widen. "Have I been kidnapped? Kyouya's family have a private army! They'll come after me, you'll see!"

[mello_n_choco]

I let him go. I look at my hands. Disgusting. "Apparently, you have trouble comprehending simple words, so we'll try it this way." I get in his face again. "There is no Ouran!"

[kotatsu_tono]

"Of course there's an Ouran! I've been attending Ouran since I moved to Japan!"

[mello_n_choco]

"This is Scotland, idiot. There's a window over there. Go see if it looks anything like Japan." Delusional, meglomania, hysteronic....The list keeps going.

[kotatsu_tono]

"S-Scotland..." Tamaki goes white - very, very white - and walks mechanically over to the window and peers outside.

Mountains and trees and lakes, as far as the eyes can see.

Tamaki is quiet for a very long time.

Then he spins around. "This is wonderful! Mountains! Nature! Kilts! Caber-tossing and ceilidhs and ruins! You!" Yes, he's pointing at Mello again. "You must show me!"

Kyouya was really far too accommodating when Tamaki first arrived in Japan. He's come to believe that he will always have a (seemingly) willing guide around new countries.