Application; Gust Avrakotos; Charlie Wilson's War
“-an American spy? Go fuck yourself, you fucking child,” Gust shouts, not at the top of his lungs, he isn't that upset (but oh, is it a close call) gesturing with the screw driver he’d just used to smash in his superior officer’s window for the second time since failing to be given the Helsinki job, and on turning, finds himself...
Elsewhere. This is obviously not the office where he is soon to no longer be employed. It’s probably the Russians. (It’s always the Russians.)
The first thing he sees is a questionnaire. And why not? Not like there’s anything better to do when you’re abducted by Russian technology. Logically he knows that they cannot possibly have teamed up with Star Trek to pull this kind of stunt... but that’s his story, and for now, for comfort’s sake, he’ll go with it.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheeze whiz. It’s like, cheese elevated to the next plane; cheese with enlightenment. Cheese not constrained to standard form. Cheese outside the box. Cheese plus that nose job it’s been talking about for so long.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
...who?
3. What time is it where you are?
Midafternoon. Two thirty, if I had to guess. Actually, four minutes for the conversation, and I was purposefully twenty minutes late, make that two twenty six.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
That would be inappropriate conduct, wouldn’t it?
(Almost as inappropriate as trying to curse your employer. That didn’t stop Gust from giving it a shot, but that’s not something he’s putting down on paper.)
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Probably... no, I don’t have a clue. Or, rather, ‘the Tao de Tequila.’
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
World mythology? Pull an Atalanta. Challenge them both to a foot race. Modernize it, go for a drag race, then someone is bound to crash and die in a fire, and boom, the love triangle is a line, and everyone lives happily ever after.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
The function of paperwork is not to get done. The function of paperwork is to make us feel like we’re doing something in between the times where things are actually being accomplished. The answer to your question is obviously either that your boss hates you, that you have someone who wants to make you feel like you’re getting nowhere, or that you spend too much time at your desk.
We in the fruit export business have a little saying. A stone from the hand of a friend is an apple. Now, my grandmother used to say that the sky would clear up when there was enough blue in it to make an elephant a pair of pink pyjamas.
Just do your paperwork, or learn how to successfully utterly ignore it, and don’t ask questions, and above all, don’t look to strangers for trite explanations of age old problems.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I speak Finnish, I’m never seasick, I can get you enough apples to last you a life time, I make a good pot of coffee and I just learned that I can take out a safety glass window in less than thirty seconds, provided I have something hard and sharp enough on hand.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
How much cash are we talking? I don’t know what my government has approved for these kinds of scenarios, but on hand I have...
Five dollars and twenty seven cents, a screw driver, a parking slip and half a pack of gum.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Gust Avrakotos.
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Gust Avrakotos.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Gust Avrakotos.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Gust Avrakotos.