Application for Richard, "Looking For Group" (webcomic)

[forpony]

((NOTE: Link in the Hufflepuff answer goes to a YouTube video. If you do not have the stomach for a LOT of cartoon violence and gore and cute fluffy things biting it in an unpleasant manner, do not click it. Also, if you do you will never be able to listen to "The Little Mermaid" soundtrack the same way ever again. You have been warned. Also, I

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[c_macaulay]

"The Ex-Handfork of Truth? What does it do? I know someone who really likes utensils," said Camilla with blithe unconcern for the random violence described in the application. Forks were more important.

[forpony]

Oh, dear, she asked about the fork. At least it would distract him from violence. (And her lack of concern is probably a good thing; it's only fun when they're actually scared.)

"Not so much, now. It's an Ex-Handfork, you see," he said, as if that explained everything. "Very handy for when violent dwarf girls lop off your appendages."

"Really? No one appreciates utensils nowadays. It's all about swords and daggers. They don't get it - the victims expect the dagger. Nobody predicts being forked to death."

[c_macaulay]

"What about a spoon?" Camilla was thinking of one of those drow. "It's not as pointy though as a fork. A fork's probably better after all..."

Ohhh, Camilla had an idea suddenly.

"Wait just a minute, all right? I'll be right back," she said. Not that he could go anywhere, given the whole Sorting Room thing -- the remark was for courtesy's sake.

She returned with a most improbable object.

"We found this in the Room of Requirement when we were cleaning up after the wedding. I'm a little curious as to why anyone required it." She held it out to the applicant.

It was a jeweled spork.

"Multipurpose," she said. "It can poke or scoop or both."

[forpony]

Oh, hello. Richard raised an eyebrow. "Ooh. I think I've heard of those. Death by spork, eh? Now that would be entirely unexpected." If he can tell Cale he's putting points into his delusion skill, he can at least have heard of a spork.

He took the spork, inspecting it thoughtfully. "Looks like something an elf would invent. Too lazy to bother with two utensils, you see, and the ones back home are efficiently violent." Sadly, there is no Cale around to erupt with righteous indignation at that comment.

[endless_del]

Delirium occasionally drifted past the Sorting Room, just in case one of her siblings should decide to show up one day. This man-thing wasn't a sibling, but he did look rather interesting.

"What's a handfork?" she asked. Several butterflies fluttered out to inspect him, followed by a bee or two.

[forpony]

((Butterfly flambe okayed by Delirium-mun.))

Mmph. Butterflies.

"You get a hand lopped off, you stick a fork in its place," Richard replied. "Voila. Handfork!"

One of the butterflies got a little too close for his liking, and was promptly enveloped in a tiny ball of flame. Richard didn't even think about it. It was a reflex, at this rate.

[endless_del]

Delirium didn't often get angry. She might be the personification of insanity, but it was ordinarily happy insanity, with only occasional bouts of melancholy. Anger was very rare indeed, and generally only triggered by a few very specific things.

Messing with the butterflies was one of them.

Her hair shifted into violent disarray, her mismatched eyes narrowing. The butterfly (which was really only slightly hurt) fluttered back and landed in her suddenly furious hair, out of which poured a veritable swarm of bees.

"Don't. Touch. My. Butterflies," she said--quietly, but with a distinctly unstable vibratto that suggested batshit was definitely a possibility.

[forpony]

Ooh. Interesting. A tactful person would have apologized or pretended to.

Richard blinked. "The butterfly started it."

[degeneratewolfe]

At first glance this doesn't look to be the type of application that Valentine would drop into. No interesting substances to be taken as bribes, for one. And he's dressed like a leper.

But, he approves of someone who takes such utter glee in talk of killing and destruction. Highly approves. Could possibly like, even.

He claps, grinning like a maniac (which he is, strictly speaking.) "Bravo, my dear warlock, bravo. I do so love to meet artists who take such pleasure in their work. Granted, I've always found more amusement in dispatching of people through the liberal use of weird technology than fire. It lasts longer."

[forpony]

Richard bowsed to the applause, of course. He did't get it that often. "Thank you, thank you. Fire is, after all, one of the classics. And if that doesn't work, pulling their skeletons out is always entertaining. No one appreciates the shock value."

"Weird technology, hm? Do tell." Hey, he may fall back on the classics, but he was always open to new and exciting ways of separating someone's insides from their outsides.

[degeneratewolfe]

"Far be it from me to insult the classics. Fire, knives, swords, guns, explosives... all well and good. But decapitating an underling and putting their head in a jar where it can scream for all eternity? Oh, that's priceless. Ooh, and taking control of large angry robots with your mind as you destroy an entire planet. That one was fun as well."

[forpony]

"Ooh. And I thought using the decapitated head as a hand puppet was amusing," Richard mused. "Although I would want a bucket handy to mute the screaming. It can get shrill after a while." As was the little girl's speech-making, but he did that more to annoy the others than anything else.

And uuuup went the eyebrows. "An entire planet? At once? As delightful as that sounds, wouldn't that be a bit... sudden? Something like that, I'd savor for decades if I could. And there'd be the slight problem of a baby shortage as well."

[bantersucks]

Jaime had the misfortune to happen to be in the Sorting Room when Richard burst in and the scarab shrieked.

"Dude, shut up, he's not -" Then he read the application. "You have got to be kidding me. ...okay, maybe he is."

[forpony]

"I never kid," Richard retorted. "Fire is the most effective way of cleaning there is."

[bantersucks]

"I'm talking about killing for fun. And... eating babies?" Jaime asked, revolted. "That's sick!"

[forpony]

Ooh, another Cale to torment. "What? It is fun. Honestly, some people just have no idea of a good time."

"And I'm sure that the next time you're in danger, you won't be so quick to judge." He closed the distance between them, looking down at the boy curiously. There was something odd about him... "I knew someone as deluded as you, once. Watching him murder that little boy was entertaining indeed."

[wh0_kill3d_m3]

Something in Richard's rattled-off list of titles caught Laura's attention.

"Scuse me. Um. Which undead are you Lord of, exactly?"

[forpony]

"Usually the ones who I make undead," he informed her. "They're not exactly big on giving themselves titles anymore."

[wh0_kill3d_m3]

"Okaaay...make undead how exactly?" She tilted her head. "Vampire? Zombie? Plain old walking around not dead anymore?"

[forpony]

"Walking around not dead anymore?" Snort. "You'd want to talk to the priestess about that, wherever she is." He'd finally noticed that Cale and company were nowhere to be seen. Hm. "Speaking of which, you haven't seen an elf, a minotaur, a singing dwarf and a female of indeterminate species around lately?"

He smirked. "As for how exactly, that would be telling. A warlock's got to have some secrets." Not that he raised the undead much anyway. Permanent death interested him more lately.