Application: Charles Macaulay, "The Secret History"
A tall, lean man in faded jeans, a well-worn white button-down shirt, a loose tan suede jacket and a pair of steel-toed Wolverines that had seen better days appears in the Sorting Room. He looks around and runs a hand through his scruffy blond hair in puzzlement, and then his blue eyes fall upon the table of application forms. He ambles over, picks one up to read, then shrugs and pulls a pen (ballpoint, as he's trying to be what Bunny once called an honest man these days) from his pocket.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
He smirks. "It used to be brie. These days I've gotten hooked on pepper jack. The bar I'm working at now puts it on a bacon cheeseburger that is so much better than haute cuisine it's not even funny. It also sells beer by the gallon, so my boss says. I'm a hard liquor man myself, given a choice."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
The smile disappears. "All right, yes, I admit there's a major annoyance factor there with both of 'em, but that's not a good reason to kill anyone, no matter what anybody might say. Besides, I haven't wanted to kill anybody in quite a while. I don't kill people these days the same way I don't drink so much these days. I know it'd be dead easy. I might want to do it more than anything, depending on the day. But not today."
3. What time is it where you are?
Smirk again. "Well, that depends on where the hell I am, doesn't it?" He glances at his watch. "It's two hours before I'm supposed to be at work and I really can't afford to lose this job, which incidentally I like, so could we possibly speed this up?"
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Something a bit shifty comes into Charles' eyes. "Whichever girl was prettiest. Of course. What's the Order of the Phoenix? Sounds Athenian, but I can't quite..." He shakes his head. "Never mind. Ancient history doesn't matter. I'd have saved myself a whole lot of trouble if I'd figured that out a few years before I did."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
This brings a full-blown smile to his face. "The Snail Shell, it would have to be. Pace our poor Richard."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Not my particular cuppa, but whichever he has the healthier, happier relationship with, I suppose." He shrugs.
"Unless of course Fred and George are twins. Then there's not going to be any such thing as a healthy relationship. There'll always be the ghost of a third person in bed with them. Usually twins in mythology are Sun and Moon deities, opposites that are the same, you see? Phoebus Apollo the shining sun-god and healer, and Artemis Luna the cold moon-goddess and huntress, the death-bringer. Then there's the common motif of the Unequal Twins, one rising to deification, one falling to mortal ruin. This is pretty primal stuff to be getting in the middle of here, people. There's the Castores, of course, forced to share Castor's divine power between them; the feral twins, Romulus and Remus, you got your godhead by fratricide there, a special favorite of mine. Of course the Mayan legends have the Hero Twins, with one of 'em getting his head cut off and used as a soccer ball by the other; the same twin later had his heart cut out by his twin. I bet I'm not the only one who can relate to that!"
A Mona Lisa smile creeps across his lips. "The tricky bit, of course, if you are a twin, is figuring out whether you're the one on the way up or on the way down. It's not always as clear as it might seem."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
His expression turns sour. "My guess is, secretly you're rather proud of your paper collection. 'Look at me, world, what a sublime intellectual I am!', you think it says." He grimaces. "Meanwhile, to the rest of the world you look like a colossal ass. Which you are. Trust me on this one."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
He chuckles at the question. "I'm trying, okay? God knows I used to be the very model of a modern useless fellow. These days I wash dishes, I bus tables, I sweep and mop, I pull taps and mix the occasional cocktail for my fellow drunks, sing 'em a song I'm the piano man, you name it and if it'll help keep the joint jumpin' I'm glad to do it."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
He checks his pockets. "Um. There's this pen. Notebook, half-used. Twenty-three in small bills and eighty in change. A flat pint bottle of whiskey, almost full. Clean handkerchief. Pocket knife. Pay-as-you-go cellphone. A tape measure, you know, the kind that snaps back when you push a button, I've always loved those things. A paperback copy of 'Murder on the Orient Express.' Oh, here's half a chocolate bar, too. Can I keep that?"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____CM_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____CM_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____CM______.
One day, marmalade and cream cheese sandwiches will rule the world. _____CM________"
((NOTE to Rupert Penry-Jones fans: I've tried to stay away from Spooks-specific images for Charles' icons. If anyone ever wants to app as Adam Carter, I don't think there will be a conflict, and I'd be glad to do the meta thing with an h_h Adam. :D))
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
He smirks. "It used to be brie. These days I've gotten hooked on pepper jack. The bar I'm working at now puts it on a bacon cheeseburger that is so much better than haute cuisine it's not even funny. It also sells beer by the gallon, so my boss says. I'm a hard liquor man myself, given a choice."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
The smile disappears. "All right, yes, I admit there's a major annoyance factor there with both of 'em, but that's not a good reason to kill anyone, no matter what anybody might say. Besides, I haven't wanted to kill anybody in quite a while. I don't kill people these days the same way I don't drink so much these days. I know it'd be dead easy. I might want to do it more than anything, depending on the day. But not today."
3. What time is it where you are?
Smirk again. "Well, that depends on where the hell I am, doesn't it?" He glances at his watch. "It's two hours before I'm supposed to be at work and I really can't afford to lose this job, which incidentally I like, so could we possibly speed this up?"
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Something a bit shifty comes into Charles' eyes. "Whichever girl was prettiest. Of course. What's the Order of the Phoenix? Sounds Athenian, but I can't quite..." He shakes his head. "Never mind. Ancient history doesn't matter. I'd have saved myself a whole lot of trouble if I'd figured that out a few years before I did."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
This brings a full-blown smile to his face. "The Snail Shell, it would have to be. Pace our poor Richard."
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Not my particular cuppa, but whichever he has the healthier, happier relationship with, I suppose." He shrugs.
"Unless of course Fred and George are twins. Then there's not going to be any such thing as a healthy relationship. There'll always be the ghost of a third person in bed with them. Usually twins in mythology are Sun and Moon deities, opposites that are the same, you see? Phoebus Apollo the shining sun-god and healer, and Artemis Luna the cold moon-goddess and huntress, the death-bringer. Then there's the common motif of the Unequal Twins, one rising to deification, one falling to mortal ruin. This is pretty primal stuff to be getting in the middle of here, people. There's the Castores, of course, forced to share Castor's divine power between them; the feral twins, Romulus and Remus, you got your godhead by fratricide there, a special favorite of mine. Of course the Mayan legends have the Hero Twins, with one of 'em getting his head cut off and used as a soccer ball by the other; the same twin later had his heart cut out by his twin. I bet I'm not the only one who can relate to that!"
A Mona Lisa smile creeps across his lips. "The tricky bit, of course, if you are a twin, is figuring out whether you're the one on the way up or on the way down. It's not always as clear as it might seem."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
His expression turns sour. "My guess is, secretly you're rather proud of your paper collection. 'Look at me, world, what a sublime intellectual I am!', you think it says." He grimaces. "Meanwhile, to the rest of the world you look like a colossal ass. Which you are. Trust me on this one."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
He chuckles at the question. "I'm trying, okay? God knows I used to be the very model of a modern useless fellow. These days I wash dishes, I bus tables, I sweep and mop, I pull taps and mix the occasional cocktail for my fellow drunks, sing 'em a song I'm the piano man, you name it and if it'll help keep the joint jumpin' I'm glad to do it."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
He checks his pockets. "Um. There's this pen. Notebook, half-used. Twenty-three in small bills and eighty in change. A flat pint bottle of whiskey, almost full. Clean handkerchief. Pocket knife. Pay-as-you-go cellphone. A tape measure, you know, the kind that snaps back when you push a button, I've always loved those things. A paperback copy of 'Murder on the Orient Express.' Oh, here's half a chocolate bar, too. Can I keep that?"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____CM_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____CM_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____CM______.
One day, marmalade and cream cheese sandwiches will rule the world. _____CM________"
((NOTE to Rupert Penry-Jones fans: I've tried to stay away from Spooks-specific images for Charles' icons. If anyone ever wants to app as Adam Carter, I don't think there will be a conflict, and I'd be glad to do the meta thing with an h_h Adam. :D))