Application: Nathan Explosion [Metalocalypse]
If it was one thing the Sorting Room probably hadn't seen in a while, it was a sudden pile of dead rats and skulls dropping onto the floor with no previous notice. However, this isn't an ordinary pile of dead things, if the cursing and growling coming from the middle of it is anything to go by. Freeing himself from the pile, Nathan Explosion glares around the room as if expecting to be crowded with insane, suicidal fans.
None forthcoming, he relaxes slightly, and spots a bit of paper with questions and a... feather... thing. Confusing enough - maybe more so than his sudden appearance into a stone room. Then again, stone rooms were pretty fucking metal. Armed with a growl of a voice that sounds like he's been screaming death metal and drinking too much alcohol (both of which are true), he begins to answer the questions out loud.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Nathan looked temporarily stumped. Cheese? Why were they asking him about cheese? Sure, cheese tastes good on stuff and there's even that expensive cheese for the really, really rich - but he'd never been asked about it before. Clearly this was a question that required considerable thought.
"Uh. I dunno. It's like... cheese is good, on hotdogs, and... stuff. But there's not really... metal cheese. Like, cheese for really black brutal people. If they sold cheese that had to be eaten on top of a thousand dead corpses and lakes of blood, then I'd totally eat it."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"What, you mean that purple thing that brainwashes people and that guy with the red hair?" He waits a moment, but there's no confirmation coming, so Nathan assumes he is right. "Oh. At the same time. With machines. Because that's brutal." Apparently it doesn't even occur to him that the crux of the question was making a choice.
3. What time is it where you are?
Nathan just grunts in confusion. Totally necro singers do not wear watches. "I dunno. But it's always time for metal."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"In the spirit of true troll metal, with the pillaging and the taking of maidens for Odin, I would sexu... sexuar- have brutal ogre sex with all of them!" Getting into the frenzy of totally hardcore troll metal, he continues in a louder growl. "I will rip out their eyes and feed them to crows! And then I'll take their children and sell them to the black market!" Having raised his fists above his head, he pauses, and lowers them. "Well, unless they don't want surprise sex. I hear you can go to, like... prison, for that."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"In the dark, huh? Brutal. That'd mean you'd get like... glass in your head and stuff. I'd name it... Alcohollica. Or... Backbar Burial. Or Bile." The bands he's naming them after are, respectively, Metallica, Backyard Burial, and Nile, but he assumes that everybody will get the in-joke of glorious metal.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"What the fuck is mythog... myto... goddammit! You're making up words to confuse me!" Nathan looks around wildly for something or someone to smash, but seeing nothing, he calms himself down minutely. "I don't know these Fred, George and Harry. But those are totally un-metal names. I don't even want answer that unless they change them, into something hardcore like... well, I dunno. Something awesome."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Paperwork is for people that are... not as much rich." Thoroughly bored with talk of smartness and official documents, Nathan looks down at his hand and frowns at the chipped black nail polish. "Crap. I gotta redo my nails."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
The word 'useless' doesn't even register with Nathan. The singer of Dethklok need not know such a word! Well, unless he could use it in a song about death, or cannabilism.
"Yeah, that sounds good. I hear that all the really, really metal people are there. But the name is not so metal. It should be called HuffleKill. Or KillPuffle. Or... HuffleKillPuffle. Anything with 'Kill' in it, because that's totally fucking hardcore."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
"Hm." Bribes? Members of extreme death metal bands do not give bribes! They are the... bribees! But Nathan figured he didn't want to get 'squibbed' (whatever that was - it sounded interestingly morbid), so he rummaged around his pockets.
"Uh. I have a pen. And... some lint. A couple of Dethklok CDs. You can take a dead rat or a skull, if you want, I guess. Oh, and a Time Travel Bag." The Time Travel Bag appears to resemble nothing more than a black plastic bag. For a billionaire, he doesn't exactly carry much around wth him. "I can give those, what do they call it? Voice learning. I can tell... uh, teach people how to sing good."
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______NE______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____NE______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____NE______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______NE_______"
None forthcoming, he relaxes slightly, and spots a bit of paper with questions and a... feather... thing. Confusing enough - maybe more so than his sudden appearance into a stone room. Then again, stone rooms were pretty fucking metal. Armed with a growl of a voice that sounds like he's been screaming death metal and drinking too much alcohol (both of which are true), he begins to answer the questions out loud.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Nathan looked temporarily stumped. Cheese? Why were they asking him about cheese? Sure, cheese tastes good on stuff and there's even that expensive cheese for the really, really rich - but he'd never been asked about it before. Clearly this was a question that required considerable thought.
"Uh. I dunno. It's like... cheese is good, on hotdogs, and... stuff. But there's not really... metal cheese. Like, cheese for really black brutal people. If they sold cheese that had to be eaten on top of a thousand dead corpses and lakes of blood, then I'd totally eat it."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"What, you mean that purple thing that brainwashes people and that guy with the red hair?" He waits a moment, but there's no confirmation coming, so Nathan assumes he is right. "Oh. At the same time. With machines. Because that's brutal." Apparently it doesn't even occur to him that the crux of the question was making a choice.
3. What time is it where you are?
Nathan just grunts in confusion. Totally necro singers do not wear watches. "I dunno. But it's always time for metal."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"In the spirit of true troll metal, with the pillaging and the taking of maidens for Odin, I would sexu... sexuar- have brutal ogre sex with all of them!" Getting into the frenzy of totally hardcore troll metal, he continues in a louder growl. "I will rip out their eyes and feed them to crows! And then I'll take their children and sell them to the black market!" Having raised his fists above his head, he pauses, and lowers them. "Well, unless they don't want surprise sex. I hear you can go to, like... prison, for that."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"In the dark, huh? Brutal. That'd mean you'd get like... glass in your head and stuff. I'd name it... Alcohollica. Or... Backbar Burial. Or Bile." The bands he's naming them after are, respectively, Metallica, Backyard Burial, and Nile, but he assumes that everybody will get the in-joke of glorious metal.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"What the fuck is mythog... myto... goddammit! You're making up words to confuse me!" Nathan looks around wildly for something or someone to smash, but seeing nothing, he calms himself down minutely. "I don't know these Fred, George and Harry. But those are totally un-metal names. I don't even want answer that unless they change them, into something hardcore like... well, I dunno. Something awesome."
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Paperwork is for people that are... not as much rich." Thoroughly bored with talk of smartness and official documents, Nathan looks down at his hand and frowns at the chipped black nail polish. "Crap. I gotta redo my nails."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
The word 'useless' doesn't even register with Nathan. The singer of Dethklok need not know such a word! Well, unless he could use it in a song about death, or cannabilism.
"Yeah, that sounds good. I hear that all the really, really metal people are there. But the name is not so metal. It should be called HuffleKill. Or KillPuffle. Or... HuffleKillPuffle. Anything with 'Kill' in it, because that's totally fucking hardcore."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
"Hm." Bribes? Members of extreme death metal bands do not give bribes! They are the... bribees! But Nathan figured he didn't want to get 'squibbed' (whatever that was - it sounded interestingly morbid), so he rummaged around his pockets.
"Uh. I have a pen. And... some lint. A couple of Dethklok CDs. You can take a dead rat or a skull, if you want, I guess. Oh, and a Time Travel Bag." The Time Travel Bag appears to resemble nothing more than a black plastic bag. For a billionaire, he doesn't exactly carry much around wth him. "I can give those, what do they call it? Voice learning. I can tell... uh, teach people how to sing good."
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______NE______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____NE______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____NE______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______NE_______"