Fic: Aftershocks Part 7.1
Olivia awoke from the nightmare with a rigid shake. Every muscle in her body was tight with tension making the landing on the floor hurt that much more. She looked around desperately trying to take in her surroundings. Need tore through her and panic set in when she couldn't find Alex. She called out her lovers name sounding desperate and raw.
She looked around frantically, terrified and soon realized she was in her own apartment on the floor in front of the couch. Her chest heaved as she fought to control her breathing. Her stomach rolled and she knew it was inevitable. Olivia managed to crawl to the small trashcan that she kept under the end table before she quit fighting her stomach. The bit of soup that she had choked down combined with the bile and fear. When the dry heaves finally subsided she lay back on the floor while pushing the can away.
The images from the nightmare swirled in her mind. The horror of seeing Elliot bleeding to death caused her body to shudder. They had come with in a breath of dying but her own death was not what terrified Olivia. The thought of Elliot vanishing from her life made Olivia's stomach clench again.
While just the thought of Elliot's death made Olivia sick it was not what had her on the floor shaking in fear. On any given day someone else could have been with them. The fact of the matter was it was rare that the two detectives would eat lunch alone. Some times Kathy would sneak off from her job at the hospital and enjoy an extended lunch. Before she had passed, on her better days, Serena Benson had met her daughter for a quick bite between classes.
If she had not been in court Alex would have been sitting next to Olivia. Olivia closed her eyes making herself think about something else but it didn’t work. The image of Alexandra Cabot covered in blood put Olivia in the fetal position.
It took Olivia a long time to stop shaking and even longer for the tears to dry.
Once her breathing was under control and she was sure her stomach was no longer going to revolt Olivia looked around and decided that in her absence the dust bunnies had gotten out of control. The platoon under the couch looked like they were ready to raid a terrorist training camp.
So her apartment needed a good cleaning. No surprise as she had spent the last nine days at Alex's place. Add to that the insane amount of time she had put in at work in the month before the shooting and Olivia couldn’t remember the last time she had cleaned. She contemplated giving her place a good working over but then remembered that her hobble and limp had grown exponentially.
An image flashed in her mind and she wanted to call Alex and make certain that the lawyer was okay.
Calling Alex really wasn’t an option, not tonight. Even if it wasn’t four A.M. Olivia knew that the call would send Alex over the edge with worry. She wouldn’t do that to Alex especially after leaving the night before on a semi bad note. The thought remained as she sat up carefully. Her neck was stiff and back aching from falling asleep and then falling off of the couch.
Olivia struggled to her feet and picked up the bowl of soup that she had given up eating the night before. With the bowl in the sink and its contents in the disposal Olivia shuffled back to the living room with an ice pack. She was sitting square in the middle of the couch with her injured ankle on the coffee table covered with a bag of ice when the ice began to work it's magic when Olivia let her mind wander.
Before she could stop it the shooting came to her conscious mind. She didn’t want to think about it. Reliving it did no good. She would not allow the luxury of another breakdown.
Olivia pondered that for a good while. In the past she had always dealt with fear directly. She was afraid of heights so she took up wall climbing. She was afraid of becoming her mother so she limited her alcohol intake and attended Al-Anon meetings. Her fear of becoming her father had plagued her in the past but she had proven several times that she wasn’t some genetic time bomb of violence.
This fear was different. The shooting had been random. Anyone could have been in that diner. Anyone there could have died. Olivia had dealt with this type of violence before but as an outsider. Working the case and being in the middle of the carnage were completely different things.
Most of the time she worked off the cuff taking her clues from the person she was attempting to question or console. It was an ability that had caused George to tell her more than once that she would make a good therapist. It wasn’t much help now though.
Olivia had to view herself as a victim and she didn’t like what she saw. She scowled a bit as she realized what Detective Benson would tell Olivia the victim.
See a counselor. Don't cut yourself off from loved ones. Maintain your routine. Eat right. Exercise. Think positive. Do something constructive.
Well I fucked that up pretty good, Olivia thought as she laid back and closed her eyes.
She woke up an hour later feeling like shit. It was six in the morning. Too early to call Elizabeth Olivet but it wasn’t too early to call Alex.
Olivia picked up her personal use Blackberry, a gift from Alex on her last birthday. She sent Alex a three-word message and then hobbled down the short hall to her bathroom. After showering she found her Blackberry chirping for her attention. She played the voicemail from Alex and felt her heart jump at the sound of her voice.
I'm an idiot, Olivia thought as she played it a second time. Alex didn’t answer either of her phones so Olivia called Vicky. Alex had already left for work and with a glance at her watch Olivia knew Alex was in the weekly staff meeting that Elizabeth Donnelly insisted all of her underlings attend.
She chatted with Vicky for a few minuets. The kids had been upset to awaken to find Olivia gone so Olivia agreed to meet them for breakfast. Olivia was grateful that Vicky didn’t say anything when she hesitantly asked if she would bring the hated crutches to the coffee shop.
The kids loved the coffee shop especially Kyla who thought that donut and hot chocolate should become a breakfast regular. Gus gave Olivia heart-melting grin when she helped him clean off the cream cheese mustache. Both kids were pumped about their Aunt Alex agreeing to take them to FAO Swartz when she finished up in court. Their mother was less than thrilled by the idea.
"Oh you just wait. I'll have my payback when Alex has kids," Vicky said of the spoiling.
"Your mother thinks that should be sooner rather than later," Olivia replied.
"It means she likes you. She's never pushed Alex about settling down before."
Kyla agreed that more cousins would be nice but she wanted one her own age. Gus on the other hand declared that babies pooped too much to be fun.
"Tanner's sister just had triplets," Vicky said amused at her son.
"That's a lot of baby poop," Olivia told Gus who nodded at her in his serious way.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Kyla asked after a large gulp of hot chocolate.
"No. It was just me and my mom," Olivia told her.
"What about your dad?" Kyla asked.
"He wasn’t around but Mom and I did well enough on our own," Olivia explained.
"I'd really sad if Daddy went away," Kyla said with a frown.
"Your daddy is a really great guy. Mine was a big meanie," Olivia told her using the expression that she had heard Kyla use about a bully at school.
Kyla continued to fire questions, in a frightening imitation of her favorite aunt, at Olivia about her family. With well-practiced ease Olivia sidestepped most of the questions and managed to turn the conversation to Kyla's school and the soccer program Gus was in.
The kids wanted to visit Alex at work. Kyla pouted when Vicky refused. Olivia wrinkled her nose at the pout.
"Why would you want to go listen to your Aunt argue with a defense attorney?" Olivia asked her.
"Argue?" Kyla asked.
"Sure. Alex says something, the defense objects and then they argue. The judge makes the decision who's right," Olivia explained.
"Aunt Alex must be really good at her job," Kyla said.
"Yes she is," Olivia, replied amused but confused at the non sequitur.
"Well she had lots of practice. Grandma told me that Mom and Aunt Alex used to argue all the time," Kyla explained and the two adults laughed. Kyla still wanted to go see Alex argue but Gus put his two cents in for exploring the park before lunch with Grandma.
The kids squabbled a bit before Vicky put her foot down about seeing Alex at work. She passed on Jane's invitation for Olivia to have lunch with them. Olivia watched Gus light up when she agreed that if she were done testifying she would join them.
She looked around frantically, terrified and soon realized she was in her own apartment on the floor in front of the couch. Her chest heaved as she fought to control her breathing. Her stomach rolled and she knew it was inevitable. Olivia managed to crawl to the small trashcan that she kept under the end table before she quit fighting her stomach. The bit of soup that she had choked down combined with the bile and fear. When the dry heaves finally subsided she lay back on the floor while pushing the can away.
The images from the nightmare swirled in her mind. The horror of seeing Elliot bleeding to death caused her body to shudder. They had come with in a breath of dying but her own death was not what terrified Olivia. The thought of Elliot vanishing from her life made Olivia's stomach clench again.
While just the thought of Elliot's death made Olivia sick it was not what had her on the floor shaking in fear. On any given day someone else could have been with them. The fact of the matter was it was rare that the two detectives would eat lunch alone. Some times Kathy would sneak off from her job at the hospital and enjoy an extended lunch. Before she had passed, on her better days, Serena Benson had met her daughter for a quick bite between classes.
If she had not been in court Alex would have been sitting next to Olivia. Olivia closed her eyes making herself think about something else but it didn’t work. The image of Alexandra Cabot covered in blood put Olivia in the fetal position.
It took Olivia a long time to stop shaking and even longer for the tears to dry.
Once her breathing was under control and she was sure her stomach was no longer going to revolt Olivia looked around and decided that in her absence the dust bunnies had gotten out of control. The platoon under the couch looked like they were ready to raid a terrorist training camp.
So her apartment needed a good cleaning. No surprise as she had spent the last nine days at Alex's place. Add to that the insane amount of time she had put in at work in the month before the shooting and Olivia couldn’t remember the last time she had cleaned. She contemplated giving her place a good working over but then remembered that her hobble and limp had grown exponentially.
An image flashed in her mind and she wanted to call Alex and make certain that the lawyer was okay.
Calling Alex really wasn’t an option, not tonight. Even if it wasn’t four A.M. Olivia knew that the call would send Alex over the edge with worry. She wouldn’t do that to Alex especially after leaving the night before on a semi bad note. The thought remained as she sat up carefully. Her neck was stiff and back aching from falling asleep and then falling off of the couch.
Olivia struggled to her feet and picked up the bowl of soup that she had given up eating the night before. With the bowl in the sink and its contents in the disposal Olivia shuffled back to the living room with an ice pack. She was sitting square in the middle of the couch with her injured ankle on the coffee table covered with a bag of ice when the ice began to work it's magic when Olivia let her mind wander.
Before she could stop it the shooting came to her conscious mind. She didn’t want to think about it. Reliving it did no good. She would not allow the luxury of another breakdown.
Olivia pondered that for a good while. In the past she had always dealt with fear directly. She was afraid of heights so she took up wall climbing. She was afraid of becoming her mother so she limited her alcohol intake and attended Al-Anon meetings. Her fear of becoming her father had plagued her in the past but she had proven several times that she wasn’t some genetic time bomb of violence.
This fear was different. The shooting had been random. Anyone could have been in that diner. Anyone there could have died. Olivia had dealt with this type of violence before but as an outsider. Working the case and being in the middle of the carnage were completely different things.
Most of the time she worked off the cuff taking her clues from the person she was attempting to question or console. It was an ability that had caused George to tell her more than once that she would make a good therapist. It wasn’t much help now though.
Olivia had to view herself as a victim and she didn’t like what she saw. She scowled a bit as she realized what Detective Benson would tell Olivia the victim.
See a counselor. Don't cut yourself off from loved ones. Maintain your routine. Eat right. Exercise. Think positive. Do something constructive.
Well I fucked that up pretty good, Olivia thought as she laid back and closed her eyes.
She woke up an hour later feeling like shit. It was six in the morning. Too early to call Elizabeth Olivet but it wasn’t too early to call Alex.
Olivia picked up her personal use Blackberry, a gift from Alex on her last birthday. She sent Alex a three-word message and then hobbled down the short hall to her bathroom. After showering she found her Blackberry chirping for her attention. She played the voicemail from Alex and felt her heart jump at the sound of her voice.
I'm an idiot, Olivia thought as she played it a second time. Alex didn’t answer either of her phones so Olivia called Vicky. Alex had already left for work and with a glance at her watch Olivia knew Alex was in the weekly staff meeting that Elizabeth Donnelly insisted all of her underlings attend.
She chatted with Vicky for a few minuets. The kids had been upset to awaken to find Olivia gone so Olivia agreed to meet them for breakfast. Olivia was grateful that Vicky didn’t say anything when she hesitantly asked if she would bring the hated crutches to the coffee shop.
The kids loved the coffee shop especially Kyla who thought that donut and hot chocolate should become a breakfast regular. Gus gave Olivia heart-melting grin when she helped him clean off the cream cheese mustache. Both kids were pumped about their Aunt Alex agreeing to take them to FAO Swartz when she finished up in court. Their mother was less than thrilled by the idea.
"Oh you just wait. I'll have my payback when Alex has kids," Vicky said of the spoiling.
"Your mother thinks that should be sooner rather than later," Olivia replied.
"It means she likes you. She's never pushed Alex about settling down before."
Kyla agreed that more cousins would be nice but she wanted one her own age. Gus on the other hand declared that babies pooped too much to be fun.
"Tanner's sister just had triplets," Vicky said amused at her son.
"That's a lot of baby poop," Olivia told Gus who nodded at her in his serious way.
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Kyla asked after a large gulp of hot chocolate.
"No. It was just me and my mom," Olivia told her.
"What about your dad?" Kyla asked.
"He wasn’t around but Mom and I did well enough on our own," Olivia explained.
"I'd really sad if Daddy went away," Kyla said with a frown.
"Your daddy is a really great guy. Mine was a big meanie," Olivia told her using the expression that she had heard Kyla use about a bully at school.
Kyla continued to fire questions, in a frightening imitation of her favorite aunt, at Olivia about her family. With well-practiced ease Olivia sidestepped most of the questions and managed to turn the conversation to Kyla's school and the soccer program Gus was in.
The kids wanted to visit Alex at work. Kyla pouted when Vicky refused. Olivia wrinkled her nose at the pout.
"Why would you want to go listen to your Aunt argue with a defense attorney?" Olivia asked her.
"Argue?" Kyla asked.
"Sure. Alex says something, the defense objects and then they argue. The judge makes the decision who's right," Olivia explained.
"Aunt Alex must be really good at her job," Kyla said.
"Yes she is," Olivia, replied amused but confused at the non sequitur.
"Well she had lots of practice. Grandma told me that Mom and Aunt Alex used to argue all the time," Kyla explained and the two adults laughed. Kyla still wanted to go see Alex argue but Gus put his two cents in for exploring the park before lunch with Grandma.
The kids squabbled a bit before Vicky put her foot down about seeing Alex at work. She passed on Jane's invitation for Olivia to have lunch with them. Olivia watched Gus light up when she agreed that if she were done testifying she would join them.