I am almost amused

[hitwoman]

Just broke up with a guy via text for the second time in four months. This one was very sweet but SOOO not for me, and I think he would have gotten hurt if I had let it go any longer. He was already wanting me to meet his kids. Part of the problem with him was him....I don't think he ever would have challenged me enough, and his job, lack of

Comments

[kaethe]

Personally, I think you have to think about what's going to bug you ten years from now. If you know you can't spend ten (or more) years with someone who isn't on the same educational level as you, or same salary level, or whatever, *and* that's going to matter more than whatever you do like about the guy, then there's no point in trying to have a relationship. If there are other things--his sense of humor, for example, or the fact that he just "gets" you--that make the things you don't like acceptable, then don't discount him just because he doesn't meet all your criteria.

I have no idea if that made any sense. I've been doing mock STAAR tests for two days and my brain is fried.

[hitwoman]

I don't think I could ever have spent ten years with him, and while those things you mentioned would all have bothered me, more than anything else I think I would have been bored. He had no sense of humor that I could tell, or at least not one I could discern. He laughed a lot at the stuff I said, but sometimes I wasn't even trying to be funny, and he just came across as needy and trying too hard.

UGH!!! 2 days of mock STAAR here too, and I have become convinced that the state of Texas is trying to kill me. The personal narrative and expository prompts sound JUST ALIKE. I think my kids wrote stories both days.

[txvoodoo]

I think it's not snobbery. You need to have a partner who is your peer. Now, when I met Scott, he wasn't yet a graduate (he'd had to delay finishing to take care of elder family members), and his job wasn't any great shakes. But he was (and is) pretty much the smartest person I've ever known, and I knew that he had great prospects, and would never BORE me. And he's fulfilled all that.

(note: he's also 9 years younger than I, so I took that into account as well when looking at his job status).

But you do need to have someone who will GET you when you talk, think, etc.

[hitwoman]

I so wish I could just meet the right guy, or that I'd tried harder when I was younger. Of course, losing all the weight has certainly affected my outlook, but even back when I was in college I just never really put myself out there. And now I sort of want to put myself out there and sort of just want to sit at home on the sofa in my sweats. (That may just be the 2 days of testing I just endured, not to mention a nasty head cold and a farm tax return appointment that the lovely day crew made for me for 30 minutes before closing--I ended up not leaving until almost an hour after we closed.)

Part of what I meant when I said he would never challenge me is that I just don't think he was that smart. I'm not claiming to be a member of Mensa or anything, but I do have enough intelligence to recognize when someone else doesn't. And he so didn't. I felt like I was dealing with one of my students sometime, and I want a guy I can look up to and respect, not one I have to take care of and humor.

[hitwoman]

I hope that didn't come across as super snobby, which I'm trying hard to avoid here. It's just hard to express my somewhat nebulous concerns without sounding derogatory!

[txvoodoo]

Not at all! Me either, I hope.

I just don't think there's anything wrong w/ wanting someone who ticks your boxes, whatever they are.

I have another friend who's dating & told 1 guy after 1 date that it wouldn't work. Perfectly nice guy, just absolutely NO spark. Some of her friends told her she was being too judgmental. I disagreed - she has every right to not want to settle! After all, you're looking for (hopefully) a long term person, so you may as well find one you want to be with.

[phantom_queen]

I do tend to let income be a factor. It's not that I'm greedy or a gold digger but I want someone who makes as much as me, this way if we have kids I'll have the option of taking a break from work or taking a lower paying job that would allow me more time with the children, if I wanted to.

[hitwoman]

EXACTLY. I realize that I make fairly good money for a single person, and I've managed to sock a pretty good nest egg. It's not like I NEED another income to live on-but I don't want to support someone. And he made half of what I make a year, which just kind of threw me.

[lovinlorne]

When I started dating Darrin, I was making quite a bit more than he was . In fact, I was his boss! *shhhh, don't tell anyone*

He's 5 1/2 years younger than me though, so I knew that was probably going to be the case for awhile.

While I'm glad I didn't let that factor into anything at the time, we also started dating 18 years ago. If I was the age I am now then, I might not have been so willing to wait.

I think you're doing the right thing at this stage of the game.

[hitwoman]

But see, that's exactly what I'm worried about--that I'm going to let my Darrin slide by because I'm too worried about something that isn't really important in the grand scheme of things. Like salary. And then I think that no matter what the grand scheme of things is to someone else, it's okay that it's still important to me if it's something that really is important to me. And then I go round and round in circles, which is counterproductive at best. ;)

For the record, though, I really don't think this last guy was ever going to be my Darrin. It just wasn't there.

[lovinlorne]

If it's that important to you, DO NOT compromise. You will end up miserable, or even worse - resentful.

Now if he's obviously in the process of "bettering" himself, and is level headed enough to see it through, that's a different story.

[hitwoman]

He's perfectly content doing what he is doing right now, which is working at an auto parts store making somewhere south of $30K a year. Which is perfectly fine, and I mean no disrespect, and if he was a different person I'm not sure that would make a bit of difference. In fact, I'm not certain at this point after listening to all my wonderful flist if the salary/job thing wasn't really more of a symptom than an actual problem, because I think if I enjoyed HIM more it might not matter at all.

[arknflark]

I wouldn't let income or job affect my judgement, as someone may have taken a low-paying job as that was all that was available in the current climate. Educational level is more difficult as a degree doesn't neccessarily prove that you're more intelligent than someone who hasn't attended university (though it is an indicator).

A partner though has to have something to make a spark - whether it's quick wits, a depth of thought, humour or ambition - something that can expand your own horizons. Shared interests helps a lot too. If none of these attributes are there, I don't think it's snobby to dismiss someone as a "potential", it's simply being discerning.

[lovinlorne]

Agreed.

[hitwoman]

I'm so happy I have such a wonderful flist, because I think you all have really helped me narrow down my problems with this guy. It isn't really the job or the salary or the lack of education. As I said to Carole, I think those things are more symptoms than actual problems. There is absolutely no spark. Phone conversations are mostly boring and long (or at least they feel long) and dates still just feel awkward, and I think you nailed it--there isn't even a smidgen of a spark. So I'm going to go with discerning, which I much prefer to snobby, and move on to the next one. :)

[lovinlorne]

LOL. There you go.