A Dangerous Idea That Almost Makes Sense (Barney/Lily, Marshall/Lily)
Title: A Dangerous Idea That Almost Makes Sense
Author: cinaed
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Spoilers up to 2x07 "Swarley"
Disclaimer: Not mine, woe.
Summary: This is how it starts (or maybe how it ends). (Barney/Lily, Marshall/Lily, "World's Greatest Couple" AU)
Author's Notes: Thanks go out to theonlytwin and musical_junkie for beta-reading this for me. The title comes from "Love is Blindness" by Trespassers William. Robin and Lily's discussion on jerk nails comes from "Swarley."
Word count: 2,090
**
**
This is how it starts (or maybe how it ends):
Lily wakes up to warmth, unbearable warmth, and someone’s breath ghosting across her neck. She tenses, ready to nudge Marshall away or possibly shove him off the bed- she loves him, but even after almost a decade of being together, he still half-smothers her while they’re sleeping, and it’s really annoying.
Then a memory of the breakup surfaces, and she realizes that it isn’t Marshall holding her, which means it can only be-
Shit.
She almost thrashes her way out of Barney’s grasp and then decides against it. She can visualize the ensuing scenario with premonition-like clarity: Barney will wake up, flip out, and kick her out of the apartment. She’ll wind up homeless yet again, since while her wall is mostly fixed, the Animal Control people are still in a war of attrition with that bastard raccoon and Lily refuses to share an apartment with something that could be rabid (not that she doesn’t darkly mutter accusations of Barney being rabid himself, but still, Barney’s far less likely to bite her).
However, so long as Barney doesn’t realize they shared a bed, he can’t freak out and take back the roof over her head, now can he?
Lily takes a deep breath, and slowly and carefully begins to pry herself from Barney’s grip (and wow, who would have thought Barney would snuggle when he’s sleeping-this is definitely excellent blackmail material). Then she creeps into the second bedroom and tries to fall back to sleep. She doesn’t succeed, of course, but it’s a valiant attempt, involving staring at the ceiling and trying to count sheep (and then, in that weird half-dreaming state where you actually don’t feel rested at all, counting Bigfoots).
The next morning, Barney shuffles into the kitchen, bleary-eyed but oblivious. Lily’s surprised at the rush of relief that courses through her when he sits down and steals the Daily News from her without a word. After a moment, she dismisses the lump in her throat as relief that she’s not unemployed and homeless because, well, that would suck.
Then she steals the newspaper back because damn it, how is she supposed to look at the help wanted ads if he keeps stealing the newspaper?
They compromise (the compromise helped along by a vicious kick to Barney’s shin) and share the paper; Lily peers at the help wanted ads while Barney skims the business section.
It feels almost domestic, and Lily firmly squelches the wistful pang that remembers how nice it had been to share a bed again and have a warm body beside her. Even if that warm body had been Barney.
After all, that way madness lies.
**
**
A week later, Lily bursts into tears and snarls, “I can’t believe this! I’m going to have to tell our unborn baby that his daddy is an adulterer!”
Barney watches her with something akin to awe as his latest one-night stand stammers out an apology and flees. As soon as the door slams shut, he grins at Lily and raises an expectant hand. “Fake baby high-five, Aldrin! I didn’t know you had it in you. The tears were an especially inspired addition.”
She hesitates for a second, and then shrugs and high-fives him. It had been a brilliant piece of acting, after all. Maybe she should try stand-up. “Oh, the tears were real,” she tells him, mock-solemn as she wipes the tears away. “All I had to do was pretend that I was actually pregnant with your kid.” She laughs at his expression, one of mingled horror at the idea of him getting saddled with a kid and affront that Lily wouldn’t want to produce his offspring.
“I’ll have you know that my genes are made of pure, unadulterated awesome, Aldrin,” he says, settling on offended, and frowns as she snorts in disbelief. “Not that I’ll ever have kids-” Barney pauses to shudder at the very thought and then continues. “-but any kid with my genes would count himself lucky.”
“Uh huh,” Lily says, letting doubt color her voice. She smiles sweetly at Barney’s look of outrage as she steals his steaming cup of coffee and takes a long, appreciative sip. She might have to steal his coffeemaker for her apartment.
She’s almost surprised when he doesn’t wrinkle his nose, say, “Ew, cooties,” and steal back his coffee. Instead, he just rolls his eyes and pours himself a new cup.
She leans back in her chair, victorious. It’s weird, but she thinks that she’s going to miss this when Animal Control finally captures that raccoon.
**
**
Lily is totally cool with Marshall going on a date. Totally cool. Except she’s totally not, and by the time she gets back to Barney’s apartment, her head is pounding from suppressed tears and she wants to punch something. Preferably Marshall, but beggars can’t be choosers.
She doesn’t notice Barney for a moment, since she’s a little busy trying to get to the second bedroom before she starts boohooing all over the place. She stops, though, at his quiet, “Aldrin.”
Lily blinks hard, trying to banish the tears, and then looks at him.
Barney’s standing by the couch, hands at his throat where he’s apparently been putting the final touches on his tie before he goes out. He’s frowning, with a slight crease between his eyes, and his expression might have been one of concern if he weren’t, you know, Barney.
“Aldrin,” he says again, awkward and maybe even a little tentative. “You, uh, okay? Do you need me to call Robin so you can cry on her shoulder?”
She’s puzzled for a second, and then she remembers Robin mentioning that Marshall plans to show off his date to Ted and Barney before they actually go anywhere. The thought makes her chest hurt. “No,” she says after a pause, proud when her voice comes out slightly hoarse but not shaky. “I’ll be fine.”
Only she’s not, because Marshall’s going on a date, which means he’s moving on, and she doesn’t-
Lily doesn’t realize she’s actually started crying until Barney’s expression turns to one of alarm and he actually takes a step back, as though she’s grown another head. “Sorry,” she says, weepy and apologetic and a little angry, too - at herself for being weak, at Marshall for getting over her so quickly, at Barney for seeing her like this. “Sorry, I just-”
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Her dreams of San Francisco crashed and burned and now Marshall’s hopelessly out of reach, too.
Lily wants - she doesn’t know what she wants, just that she needs to never feel like this again, miserable and aching, like the world is ending. She covers her face with her hands so that Barney won’t see her expression, tries to take in a deep, calming breath. It comes out as a hiccup instead.
Then gentle hands are clasping her elbows, and Barney says, low and the most sincere she’s ever heard him, “Marshall’s being an idiot. He’ll go on this date and realize that he doesn’t want anyone but you.” He pauses and snorts. “Besides, he’s delusional if he thinks he can somehow get another 10 like you. Or find someone else who’ll put up with his Bigfoot conspiracy.”
Lily hiccups again and lowers her hands to see him looking earnest. She thinks of San Francisco, of him shoving the plane ticket at her and announcing that she has to come back to New York, of his conviction that she and Marshall will make it work.
God, when did Barney become the person in her life who picked up the pieces and said all the right things?
Lily doesn’t realize she’s going to kiss him until her lips are touching his, softly, sweetly. She pulls away after a second and offers him a weak little smile. Her chest doesn’t hurt as much anymore. “Thank you, Barney. That was actually really sweet of you.”
Barney looks a little dazed, blinking, and then he shakes his head and it’s like he’s flipped some switch- he’s the same old Barney again as he tells her, “Now, Aldrin, while I’m aware that I am irresistible, I must protest for several reasons.” He raises a hand and counts his reasons off on his fingers as he speaks. “One, if anyone finds out you kissed me, Marshall will slap me into next Thursday. Two, Ted will yell at me. A lot. And you know how annoying he can get when he’s on his high horse. Three, Robin will probably Lorena Bobbitt me, and that’s something that all the women of the world would greatly regret, so-”
“Shut up, Barney,” Lily tells him, and hears fondness coloring her voice. “And now that you’ve fulfilled your good deed quota of the decade, go and meet up with Marshall and Ted.” And Marshall’s date, she doesn’t say, but it hangs in the air between them nonetheless. Before Barney can say anything else, she adds briskly, “If you don’t meet her and report back to me how ugly and lame she is, I might have to take measures into my own hands and find out for myself.”
Any lingering trace of bemusement fades from his face at that. He shakes his head. “Oh no, Aldrin, you are delightfully eccentric. Do not go psycho on me.”
Lily raises an eyebrow, not sure whether to be amused or offended. “Delightfully eccentric?”
Barney snorts, folding his arms against his chest. “Please, Aldrin. You have the face of an angel and the mouth of a trucker. If that’s not delightfully eccentric, I don’t know what is.”
She laughs. It comes out watery, but it’s a laugh nonetheless. “I’ll just take that as a compliment rather than punch you. Now go.”
“You know, I used to remember a time when I was the one kicking people out of my apartment,” Barney says, a little wistful, and then leaves as Lily laughs again and shoos him away.
She closes the door behind him and leans against it, closing her eyes. She’s going to be a grown-up about this. She’s not going to go to this Chloe girl’s work and see her for herself. She’s going to…do something else. Blind herself with Barney’s TV, maybe.
Yeah, that could work.
**
**
She’s been watching TV for two, maybe three hours when there’s a knock on the door. When she turns off the TV and goes to open the door, it’s Robin, wearing an uncomfortable and slightly confused smile.
“Um, so Barney texted me to come over and see if you’d drowned yourself in his shower,” she says, and Lily can’t help but laugh, because only Barney would come up with that sort of scenario and actually start worrying. “Also, he said to tell you not to worry. Marshall’s date totally has crazy eyes.”
“Crazy eyes?”
Robin shrugs. “Apparently a thing women have that guys can see that tells them that the girl's crazy.”
“Oh! Kind of like you never want to date a guy with perfect fingernails?”
“Exactly,” Robin says with satisfaction. “Jerk nails.” She looks around curiously, taking in Barney’s living room. “Huh. Somehow I didn’t expect the Fortress of Barnitude to look so…homey.” After a moment, she shrugs, apparently dismissing it from her mind, and Lily decides not to mention she was the one who made the place look pleasant. “So, when are you moving back into your apartment?”
Lily fights back the guilty warmth that wants to spread to her face. Actually, Animal Control called two days ago to tell her they suspected the raccoon was gone. She’s…just been neglecting to mention it to Barney. What? Like she’s going to go back to her tiny apartment any sooner than she absolutely has to.
“When Animal Control gets the raccoon,” she says. It’s not quite a lie. The raccoon could still be there.
Robin grins. “I do have a gun, you know,” she says, almost hopefully, and Lily giggles, imagining Robin pulling out her gun in front of the horrified Animal Control people.
“You are not shooting the raccoon, Robin. Come on, let’s watch TV. Though, fair warning, you might go blind.”
“Go blind-” Robin begins, and then Lily turns the TV back on. “Holy shit!”
Later, while Robin is in the kitchen, investigating whether or not Barney has any scotch she can steal, Lily texts Barney.
Thanks. Also, tell me more about Crazy Eyes when you get home.
Author: cinaed
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Spoilers up to 2x07 "Swarley"
Disclaimer: Not mine, woe.
Summary: This is how it starts (or maybe how it ends). (Barney/Lily, Marshall/Lily, "World's Greatest Couple" AU)
Author's Notes: Thanks go out to theonlytwin and musical_junkie for beta-reading this for me. The title comes from "Love is Blindness" by Trespassers William. Robin and Lily's discussion on jerk nails comes from "Swarley."
Word count: 2,090
**
**
This is how it starts (or maybe how it ends):
Lily wakes up to warmth, unbearable warmth, and someone’s breath ghosting across her neck. She tenses, ready to nudge Marshall away or possibly shove him off the bed- she loves him, but even after almost a decade of being together, he still half-smothers her while they’re sleeping, and it’s really annoying.
Then a memory of the breakup surfaces, and she realizes that it isn’t Marshall holding her, which means it can only be-
Shit.
She almost thrashes her way out of Barney’s grasp and then decides against it. She can visualize the ensuing scenario with premonition-like clarity: Barney will wake up, flip out, and kick her out of the apartment. She’ll wind up homeless yet again, since while her wall is mostly fixed, the Animal Control people are still in a war of attrition with that bastard raccoon and Lily refuses to share an apartment with something that could be rabid (not that she doesn’t darkly mutter accusations of Barney being rabid himself, but still, Barney’s far less likely to bite her).
However, so long as Barney doesn’t realize they shared a bed, he can’t freak out and take back the roof over her head, now can he?
Lily takes a deep breath, and slowly and carefully begins to pry herself from Barney’s grip (and wow, who would have thought Barney would snuggle when he’s sleeping-this is definitely excellent blackmail material). Then she creeps into the second bedroom and tries to fall back to sleep. She doesn’t succeed, of course, but it’s a valiant attempt, involving staring at the ceiling and trying to count sheep (and then, in that weird half-dreaming state where you actually don’t feel rested at all, counting Bigfoots).
The next morning, Barney shuffles into the kitchen, bleary-eyed but oblivious. Lily’s surprised at the rush of relief that courses through her when he sits down and steals the Daily News from her without a word. After a moment, she dismisses the lump in her throat as relief that she’s not unemployed and homeless because, well, that would suck.
Then she steals the newspaper back because damn it, how is she supposed to look at the help wanted ads if he keeps stealing the newspaper?
They compromise (the compromise helped along by a vicious kick to Barney’s shin) and share the paper; Lily peers at the help wanted ads while Barney skims the business section.
It feels almost domestic, and Lily firmly squelches the wistful pang that remembers how nice it had been to share a bed again and have a warm body beside her. Even if that warm body had been Barney.
After all, that way madness lies.
**
**
A week later, Lily bursts into tears and snarls, “I can’t believe this! I’m going to have to tell our unborn baby that his daddy is an adulterer!”
Barney watches her with something akin to awe as his latest one-night stand stammers out an apology and flees. As soon as the door slams shut, he grins at Lily and raises an expectant hand. “Fake baby high-five, Aldrin! I didn’t know you had it in you. The tears were an especially inspired addition.”
She hesitates for a second, and then shrugs and high-fives him. It had been a brilliant piece of acting, after all. Maybe she should try stand-up. “Oh, the tears were real,” she tells him, mock-solemn as she wipes the tears away. “All I had to do was pretend that I was actually pregnant with your kid.” She laughs at his expression, one of mingled horror at the idea of him getting saddled with a kid and affront that Lily wouldn’t want to produce his offspring.
“I’ll have you know that my genes are made of pure, unadulterated awesome, Aldrin,” he says, settling on offended, and frowns as she snorts in disbelief. “Not that I’ll ever have kids-” Barney pauses to shudder at the very thought and then continues. “-but any kid with my genes would count himself lucky.”
“Uh huh,” Lily says, letting doubt color her voice. She smiles sweetly at Barney’s look of outrage as she steals his steaming cup of coffee and takes a long, appreciative sip. She might have to steal his coffeemaker for her apartment.
She’s almost surprised when he doesn’t wrinkle his nose, say, “Ew, cooties,” and steal back his coffee. Instead, he just rolls his eyes and pours himself a new cup.
She leans back in her chair, victorious. It’s weird, but she thinks that she’s going to miss this when Animal Control finally captures that raccoon.
**
**
Lily is totally cool with Marshall going on a date. Totally cool. Except she’s totally not, and by the time she gets back to Barney’s apartment, her head is pounding from suppressed tears and she wants to punch something. Preferably Marshall, but beggars can’t be choosers.
She doesn’t notice Barney for a moment, since she’s a little busy trying to get to the second bedroom before she starts boohooing all over the place. She stops, though, at his quiet, “Aldrin.”
Lily blinks hard, trying to banish the tears, and then looks at him.
Barney’s standing by the couch, hands at his throat where he’s apparently been putting the final touches on his tie before he goes out. He’s frowning, with a slight crease between his eyes, and his expression might have been one of concern if he weren’t, you know, Barney.
“Aldrin,” he says again, awkward and maybe even a little tentative. “You, uh, okay? Do you need me to call Robin so you can cry on her shoulder?”
She’s puzzled for a second, and then she remembers Robin mentioning that Marshall plans to show off his date to Ted and Barney before they actually go anywhere. The thought makes her chest hurt. “No,” she says after a pause, proud when her voice comes out slightly hoarse but not shaky. “I’ll be fine.”
Only she’s not, because Marshall’s going on a date, which means he’s moving on, and she doesn’t-
Lily doesn’t realize she’s actually started crying until Barney’s expression turns to one of alarm and he actually takes a step back, as though she’s grown another head. “Sorry,” she says, weepy and apologetic and a little angry, too - at herself for being weak, at Marshall for getting over her so quickly, at Barney for seeing her like this. “Sorry, I just-”
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. Her dreams of San Francisco crashed and burned and now Marshall’s hopelessly out of reach, too.
Lily wants - she doesn’t know what she wants, just that she needs to never feel like this again, miserable and aching, like the world is ending. She covers her face with her hands so that Barney won’t see her expression, tries to take in a deep, calming breath. It comes out as a hiccup instead.
Then gentle hands are clasping her elbows, and Barney says, low and the most sincere she’s ever heard him, “Marshall’s being an idiot. He’ll go on this date and realize that he doesn’t want anyone but you.” He pauses and snorts. “Besides, he’s delusional if he thinks he can somehow get another 10 like you. Or find someone else who’ll put up with his Bigfoot conspiracy.”
Lily hiccups again and lowers her hands to see him looking earnest. She thinks of San Francisco, of him shoving the plane ticket at her and announcing that she has to come back to New York, of his conviction that she and Marshall will make it work.
God, when did Barney become the person in her life who picked up the pieces and said all the right things?
Lily doesn’t realize she’s going to kiss him until her lips are touching his, softly, sweetly. She pulls away after a second and offers him a weak little smile. Her chest doesn’t hurt as much anymore. “Thank you, Barney. That was actually really sweet of you.”
Barney looks a little dazed, blinking, and then he shakes his head and it’s like he’s flipped some switch- he’s the same old Barney again as he tells her, “Now, Aldrin, while I’m aware that I am irresistible, I must protest for several reasons.” He raises a hand and counts his reasons off on his fingers as he speaks. “One, if anyone finds out you kissed me, Marshall will slap me into next Thursday. Two, Ted will yell at me. A lot. And you know how annoying he can get when he’s on his high horse. Three, Robin will probably Lorena Bobbitt me, and that’s something that all the women of the world would greatly regret, so-”
“Shut up, Barney,” Lily tells him, and hears fondness coloring her voice. “And now that you’ve fulfilled your good deed quota of the decade, go and meet up with Marshall and Ted.” And Marshall’s date, she doesn’t say, but it hangs in the air between them nonetheless. Before Barney can say anything else, she adds briskly, “If you don’t meet her and report back to me how ugly and lame she is, I might have to take measures into my own hands and find out for myself.”
Any lingering trace of bemusement fades from his face at that. He shakes his head. “Oh no, Aldrin, you are delightfully eccentric. Do not go psycho on me.”
Lily raises an eyebrow, not sure whether to be amused or offended. “Delightfully eccentric?”
Barney snorts, folding his arms against his chest. “Please, Aldrin. You have the face of an angel and the mouth of a trucker. If that’s not delightfully eccentric, I don’t know what is.”
She laughs. It comes out watery, but it’s a laugh nonetheless. “I’ll just take that as a compliment rather than punch you. Now go.”
“You know, I used to remember a time when I was the one kicking people out of my apartment,” Barney says, a little wistful, and then leaves as Lily laughs again and shoos him away.
She closes the door behind him and leans against it, closing her eyes. She’s going to be a grown-up about this. She’s not going to go to this Chloe girl’s work and see her for herself. She’s going to…do something else. Blind herself with Barney’s TV, maybe.
Yeah, that could work.
**
**
She’s been watching TV for two, maybe three hours when there’s a knock on the door. When she turns off the TV and goes to open the door, it’s Robin, wearing an uncomfortable and slightly confused smile.
“Um, so Barney texted me to come over and see if you’d drowned yourself in his shower,” she says, and Lily can’t help but laugh, because only Barney would come up with that sort of scenario and actually start worrying. “Also, he said to tell you not to worry. Marshall’s date totally has crazy eyes.”
“Crazy eyes?”
Robin shrugs. “Apparently a thing women have that guys can see that tells them that the girl's crazy.”
“Oh! Kind of like you never want to date a guy with perfect fingernails?”
“Exactly,” Robin says with satisfaction. “Jerk nails.” She looks around curiously, taking in Barney’s living room. “Huh. Somehow I didn’t expect the Fortress of Barnitude to look so…homey.” After a moment, she shrugs, apparently dismissing it from her mind, and Lily decides not to mention she was the one who made the place look pleasant. “So, when are you moving back into your apartment?”
Lily fights back the guilty warmth that wants to spread to her face. Actually, Animal Control called two days ago to tell her they suspected the raccoon was gone. She’s…just been neglecting to mention it to Barney. What? Like she’s going to go back to her tiny apartment any sooner than she absolutely has to.
“When Animal Control gets the raccoon,” she says. It’s not quite a lie. The raccoon could still be there.
Robin grins. “I do have a gun, you know,” she says, almost hopefully, and Lily giggles, imagining Robin pulling out her gun in front of the horrified Animal Control people.
“You are not shooting the raccoon, Robin. Come on, let’s watch TV. Though, fair warning, you might go blind.”
“Go blind-” Robin begins, and then Lily turns the TV back on. “Holy shit!”
Later, while Robin is in the kitchen, investigating whether or not Barney has any scotch she can steal, Lily texts Barney.
Thanks. Also, tell me more about Crazy Eyes when you get home.