So You (Don't) Want to be a Wizard [How I Met Your Mother/Harry Potter]
Title: So You (Don't) Want to be a Wizard
Author: cinaed
Rating: PG
Summary: Three times Barney Stinson regretted being a wizard, not including the numerous occasions Hermione Granger threatened to hex him. Pre-series.
Disclaimer: Neither Harry Potter nor HIMYM belongs to me.
Author's notes: Thanks go out to schlicky for betaing this for me!
I.
"There's an owl trying to get into the house! And it's carrying a letter."
Barney blinked at his mom, trying to figure out if she was having a good trip or a bad one (probably good, because she didn't seem alarmed, just confused). "Okay, Mom," he said, humoring her. "I'll go get the broom and shoo it away."
Then James came skidding into the room, eyes ridiculously wide. "Barney, there's an owl trying to get into our house!"
Barney stared for a moment, and then shrugged and went to get the broom anyway.
When he looked out the window, the owl seemed so out of place that he half-tricked his eyes into seeing a hawk on the mailbox instead. But no, that was definitely an owl-- Mrs. Peters, his teacher this year, was totally into nature and had shown the class pictures of birds that lived in New York. That was an eastern screech owl holding an envelope in its claws, and it looked really annoyed.
"Maybe someone wanted to train an owl like a carrier pigeon," James suggested. He sounded less nervous and mostly curious now that Barney had a broom for protection. Mom was-- somewhere. Apparently she thought they could handle it, which, well, yeah, Barney could totally kick an owl's butt. "I bet you someone--" Then James let out a really high-pitched yell and jumped away from the window as the owl flew towards them, stopping just before it would have smacked into the glass.
"Let it in," Barney said. James shot him a look of disbelief, but apparently reassured by the fact that Barney was holding the broom like a baseball bat, he opened the window.
The owl came fluttering inside, dropped the letter onto the coffee table, and then fluttered back outside, giving out one disdainful hoot before it flew out of sight.
James and Barney stared after it for a long moment, and then both raced for the envelope. And darn it, why had James decided that he was really into wrestling? Using that grip was totally unfair!
"Hey, it's got your name on it," James said, and took advantage of Barney's surprise to rip the envelope open.
"James!" Barney tried to grab the letter and read it himself. Also totally unfair? The fact that James was taller than him. "That's mine!" Before he could yell for Mom, though, he got distracted by the way James's eyes had suddenly gone as wide as saucers and how he was staring dumbly at the letter, mouth hanging open.
He snatched the letter from James and read it himself.
Dear Mr. Stinson,
It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted to the magic school of your choosing. A delegate from the wizarding community will be along shortly to explain your options. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1 for all three schools as well as the New York program. Your decision by owl is due no later than June 15.
Yours sincerely,
Susannah Proctor
Assistant Director of Education, Magical Schooling Division
Barney was still staring, trying to figure out if this was just a really weird joke, when someone knocked on the front door.
"Will someone get that?" Mom hollered from her bedroom.
Barney and James looked at each other for a long moment, and then as one rushed for the door. Barney didn't feel (very) sorry for tripping James and jumping over his sprawled-out body. Served him right for using that wrestling move, anyway.
When he opened the door, a man in a really, really orange shirt smiled brightly at him. "Barney Stinson?" He looked pleased when Barney nodded.
"Are you the delegate?" James called from his position on the floor, and then groaned a little as he tried to stand up. Maybe Barney shouldn't have kicked him so hard.
The man smiled wider. "I am. Mr. Giles Hobbs, at your service."
"Come in," Barney said with a shrug, eyeing the guy with a mixture of excitement and disappointment. This guy was a wizard? He didn't even have a pointy hat! As soon as Mr. Hobbs entered, Barney said, "So, I'm supposed to be a wizard or something?"
Mr. Hobbs just kept smiling, and to be honest, it was starting to weird Barney out a little. The guy pulled out a long piece of wood-- and okay, Barney guessed a wand was better than a stupid hat-- and muttered something. Barney watched in wonder as the acceptance letter floated over to Mr. Hobbs, who grabbed it and asked, casually, like he hadn't just made something fly through the air, "Haven't you found that odd things happen around you?"
Barney thought a moment, trying to work up the courage to ask if he could try to make things fly. "Not really."
At that, Mr. Hobbs's smile dimmed a little. "Are you sure? It could be something small-- a pencil flying into your hand from across the room so quickly you think your eyes tricked you into seeing it, for example. Or falling down the stairs and miraculously not getting a single bruise."
"No," Barney said, more firmly this time. He could already feel the bruise forming where James had elbowed him.
"Uh, yes," said James, limping over and giving Barney a look that said Barney was being stupid. "I always said you picked up those magic tricks too quickly."
"Hey, I learned those tricks," Barney snapped, glaring. He'd studied hard, mastering magic tricks like the quarter one, or the rope one, or those card ones. And he'd learn even more once Mom gave him permission to try a few of the fire tricks.
James snorted. "The first five times you tried the quarter trick, you dropped it down my shirt instead, or accidentally threw it over your shoulder. Then all of a sudden the quarter would disappear and reappear whenever and wherever you wanted to. Even across the room."
Mr. Hobbs's smile was back in full force. "Oh, how interesting! Usually manifestations of one's magic don't, well, involve magician's tricks, but it isn't entirely unheard of--"
"Wait," said Barney, feeling his stomach do an unhappy somersault and start to sink to the floor, "are you telling me I used real magic doing my magic tricks?" After all his hard work, he'd been cheating the whole time?
"It appears so," Mr. Hobbs said.
Barney folded his arms against his chest, and Mr. Hobbs's expression turned a very interesting shade of purple as Barney snapped, "I hate being a wizard!"
II.
Mr. Hobbs had explained that there were three major American wizarding schools: Mackinac Academy of Wizarding Arts, Redwood School of Magical Arts, and St. Lucia's Wizarding Academy. New York was also doing an experimental program that brought wizards and witches into closer contact with Muggles (which was apparently what the wizarding community called people like his mom and James, those without any magical ability at all), but Mr. Hobbs had very earnestly told him not to choose the New York program and to attend one of the other wizarding schools instead.
"I have a cousin who lives in California," his mother had said, and then frowned. "Or maybe he was an ex-boyfriend. Or the electrician who fixed up the house a couple years ago." In any case, they decided on Redwood, and so on August 31st Barney hugged his mom and James good-bye and gathered up his belongings. Then he threw a fistful of Floo powder into the fireplace and said, each word careful and clear, "Bridge Creek Orientation Building."
Emerging from the fireplace, choking a little on ash and his eyes watering, Barney decided he didn't really like traveling by Floo. Blinking away tears (from the travel, not because he was crying like a baby over leaving home or anything), he stumbled over to where a woman with a clipboard stood.
"Barney Stinson, first year," he said when she smiled at him.
"Thought you looked new," she said cheerfully, and marked his name off the clipboard. "Just go put your luggage in the room marked 'Luggage.' It's down the hall and the third door on your left. Then feel free to get to know your classmates!" She paused, and laughed. "Most of them will be in the cafeteria."
"Thank you," he said, and then dragged his belongings to the right room. Then he went to see if the cafeteria had any good food. He'd been too nervous to eat breakfast, and now he was starving.
Later, after he'd impressed three separate kids with his magic tricks (using real sleight of hand and not cheating with magic, of course) and tried all the weird food the place had to offer (he was totally sending James some Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans), he waited for orientation to start. They were going to meet their teachers, and learn about the rules and life at Redwood. After that, they'd finally get into the buses and drive the half-hour to Redwood.
The woman who'd been using the clipboard herded them all into the auditorium, where their principal stood waiting at the podium. He smiled at them. "I'm Principal Winters," he said, which made Barney grin, because Principal Winters, in charge of the California school where it probably never snowed? Nice. "I'd like to welcome you all to Redwood School of Magical Arts. I'm sure you'll all learn a lot here, and have fun doing it!"
The teachers clapped, so Barney shrugged and clapped too.
"Now, you will all receive your orientation packets once you board the buses today. We'll expect you to read it over the next week and sign that you've read and understand everything. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask a teacher or an older student. I'm simply going to go over a few important rules right now. First, the dormitories are separated by gender. No boy is allowed in the girls' dorm, and vice versa. If you break this rule, you will get an entire month of detention, so I suggest you all steer clear. Second, for those Muggleborn here, Redwood's policy is that no electronic devices are allowed on campus--"
"Wait, what?" Barney said. It must have come out louder than he meant, because several kids giggled and looked over at him, and Principal Winters frowned and squinted into the audience. Barney slouched down in his seat, and after a moment, the principal cleared his throat and continued with the list of rules.
Barney wasn't listening anymore, though. Mr. Hobbs hadn't mentioned the fact that he wasn't allowed to have electronics on campus! Barney thought about the small hand-held TV he'd gotten from a thrift store; it wasn't in color, but he could still see his dad's face pretty well, and the sound came out loud and clear. How was Barney expected to go whole months without watching The Price is Right and telling his dad what was going on in his life?
He slouched lower in his seat, and scowled harder. Well, Redwood was just going to have to change that rule.
*
In retrospect, Barney should have seen getting expelled from Redwood coming. Whatever, the New York program was much cooler, and meant he actually got to stay home with his mom and James. Also, you could totally mail-order Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
III.
After graduation, James and their mom threw Barney a party. Mom even let him have some decent alcohol from her liquor cabinet. It wasn't until the next morning that James ambushed him, catching him in the kitchen as he searched for some aspirin to soothe his aching head.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
Barney stared at him blankly for a minute, and then shrugged, wincing a little as the gesture made his head pound. Wizards had been around for several millennia and yet nobody had figured out a Hangover Banishment spell? Lame. "I don't know. My SAT score was pretty good--" And by pretty good, he meant excellent, with one or two exceptions (turned out Muggle and wizarding history were dull as dirt and that Barney sucked at both of them, no matter how much he studied for the stupid Sorcery Aptitude Test). "I could go to college."
"Magical college or Muggle college?"
"Either one," he answered, shrugging more carefully this time. He finally found a half-full bottle of aspirin and hummed a victory tune as he snagged two pills. "You know the New York program arranges it so students can get a job in either world."
"I--" James stopped, frowning, and looked away, towards the family room, where their mother was dozing, one arm flung across her eyes and her feet propped up on the coffee table. "I just thought maybe you could go to a school near me. We could hang out." His tone was so casual that it managed to be anything but carefree.
Barney paused, the pills halfway to his mouth, and then squinted at James, wondering a little at the tension in his brother's voice and the rigid set of his shoulders. Was James mad at him or something? It was true that Barney hadn't been spending as much time with James as usual, but then, James had gone off to college, and Barney had been busy with studying and taking the SAT, and they'd both just...drifted apart a little.
And that sucked, it really did. But these things happened during senior year. Did James honestly think that Barney wanted to abandon the Muggle world and him and their mom? Had they drifted apart that much?
"Barney? Think you might go to a school near me?" asked James, and Barney realized he hadn't answered him, that James's eyes were narrowed.
"Sounds like a good idea," he said at last, dry-swallowing the pills and wincing as one almost caught in his throat. Yeah, if he did ever work in the magical world, he was definitely going to create a Hangover Banishment spell. People would worship the ground he walked on. And it would help lessen misery in the world! He smiled at James. "Got any schools in mind?"
Something in James's face eased then, and he nodded.
Barney put the aspirin bottle back on the shelf, and closed the door carefully. He'd go to a school near James, and they'd catch up. Bridge the gap that had formed between them, that had been forming ever since Barney got that letter and James didn't, but Barney wasn't going to think about that, because then he'd regret...he'd regret being a wizard. No, he wouldn't think about that. He'd just have to focus on showing James that in the end, he and Mom were more important than some magic wand and the ability to do a spell or two.
"I was thinking about majoring in something awesome," he said, interrupting James's list of colleges. "Something fulfilling. Something important."
James raised an eyebrow. "What? You want to be a doctor or something?"
"I was thinking something better. Something like...ethnomusicology."
"Yeah, that's real important," James said dryly, and then jerked a thumb in the direction of his bedroom. "Come on. I've got some college pamphlets you can take a look at."
"Okay," Barney said. Yeah, everything was going to be fine.
Author: cinaed
Rating: PG
Summary: Three times Barney Stinson regretted being a wizard, not including the numerous occasions Hermione Granger threatened to hex him. Pre-series.
Disclaimer: Neither Harry Potter nor HIMYM belongs to me.
Author's notes: Thanks go out to schlicky for betaing this for me!
I.
"There's an owl trying to get into the house! And it's carrying a letter."
Barney blinked at his mom, trying to figure out if she was having a good trip or a bad one (probably good, because she didn't seem alarmed, just confused). "Okay, Mom," he said, humoring her. "I'll go get the broom and shoo it away."
Then James came skidding into the room, eyes ridiculously wide. "Barney, there's an owl trying to get into our house!"
Barney stared for a moment, and then shrugged and went to get the broom anyway.
When he looked out the window, the owl seemed so out of place that he half-tricked his eyes into seeing a hawk on the mailbox instead. But no, that was definitely an owl-- Mrs. Peters, his teacher this year, was totally into nature and had shown the class pictures of birds that lived in New York. That was an eastern screech owl holding an envelope in its claws, and it looked really annoyed.
"Maybe someone wanted to train an owl like a carrier pigeon," James suggested. He sounded less nervous and mostly curious now that Barney had a broom for protection. Mom was-- somewhere. Apparently she thought they could handle it, which, well, yeah, Barney could totally kick an owl's butt. "I bet you someone--" Then James let out a really high-pitched yell and jumped away from the window as the owl flew towards them, stopping just before it would have smacked into the glass.
"Let it in," Barney said. James shot him a look of disbelief, but apparently reassured by the fact that Barney was holding the broom like a baseball bat, he opened the window.
The owl came fluttering inside, dropped the letter onto the coffee table, and then fluttered back outside, giving out one disdainful hoot before it flew out of sight.
James and Barney stared after it for a long moment, and then both raced for the envelope. And darn it, why had James decided that he was really into wrestling? Using that grip was totally unfair!
"Hey, it's got your name on it," James said, and took advantage of Barney's surprise to rip the envelope open.
"James!" Barney tried to grab the letter and read it himself. Also totally unfair? The fact that James was taller than him. "That's mine!" Before he could yell for Mom, though, he got distracted by the way James's eyes had suddenly gone as wide as saucers and how he was staring dumbly at the letter, mouth hanging open.
He snatched the letter from James and read it himself.
Dear Mr. Stinson,
It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted to the magic school of your choosing. A delegate from the wizarding community will be along shortly to explain your options. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1 for all three schools as well as the New York program. Your decision by owl is due no later than June 15.
Yours sincerely,
Susannah Proctor
Assistant Director of Education, Magical Schooling Division
Barney was still staring, trying to figure out if this was just a really weird joke, when someone knocked on the front door.
"Will someone get that?" Mom hollered from her bedroom.
Barney and James looked at each other for a long moment, and then as one rushed for the door. Barney didn't feel (very) sorry for tripping James and jumping over his sprawled-out body. Served him right for using that wrestling move, anyway.
When he opened the door, a man in a really, really orange shirt smiled brightly at him. "Barney Stinson?" He looked pleased when Barney nodded.
"Are you the delegate?" James called from his position on the floor, and then groaned a little as he tried to stand up. Maybe Barney shouldn't have kicked him so hard.
The man smiled wider. "I am. Mr. Giles Hobbs, at your service."
"Come in," Barney said with a shrug, eyeing the guy with a mixture of excitement and disappointment. This guy was a wizard? He didn't even have a pointy hat! As soon as Mr. Hobbs entered, Barney said, "So, I'm supposed to be a wizard or something?"
Mr. Hobbs just kept smiling, and to be honest, it was starting to weird Barney out a little. The guy pulled out a long piece of wood-- and okay, Barney guessed a wand was better than a stupid hat-- and muttered something. Barney watched in wonder as the acceptance letter floated over to Mr. Hobbs, who grabbed it and asked, casually, like he hadn't just made something fly through the air, "Haven't you found that odd things happen around you?"
Barney thought a moment, trying to work up the courage to ask if he could try to make things fly. "Not really."
At that, Mr. Hobbs's smile dimmed a little. "Are you sure? It could be something small-- a pencil flying into your hand from across the room so quickly you think your eyes tricked you into seeing it, for example. Or falling down the stairs and miraculously not getting a single bruise."
"No," Barney said, more firmly this time. He could already feel the bruise forming where James had elbowed him.
"Uh, yes," said James, limping over and giving Barney a look that said Barney was being stupid. "I always said you picked up those magic tricks too quickly."
"Hey, I learned those tricks," Barney snapped, glaring. He'd studied hard, mastering magic tricks like the quarter one, or the rope one, or those card ones. And he'd learn even more once Mom gave him permission to try a few of the fire tricks.
James snorted. "The first five times you tried the quarter trick, you dropped it down my shirt instead, or accidentally threw it over your shoulder. Then all of a sudden the quarter would disappear and reappear whenever and wherever you wanted to. Even across the room."
Mr. Hobbs's smile was back in full force. "Oh, how interesting! Usually manifestations of one's magic don't, well, involve magician's tricks, but it isn't entirely unheard of--"
"Wait," said Barney, feeling his stomach do an unhappy somersault and start to sink to the floor, "are you telling me I used real magic doing my magic tricks?" After all his hard work, he'd been cheating the whole time?
"It appears so," Mr. Hobbs said.
Barney folded his arms against his chest, and Mr. Hobbs's expression turned a very interesting shade of purple as Barney snapped, "I hate being a wizard!"
II.
Mr. Hobbs had explained that there were three major American wizarding schools: Mackinac Academy of Wizarding Arts, Redwood School of Magical Arts, and St. Lucia's Wizarding Academy. New York was also doing an experimental program that brought wizards and witches into closer contact with Muggles (which was apparently what the wizarding community called people like his mom and James, those without any magical ability at all), but Mr. Hobbs had very earnestly told him not to choose the New York program and to attend one of the other wizarding schools instead.
"I have a cousin who lives in California," his mother had said, and then frowned. "Or maybe he was an ex-boyfriend. Or the electrician who fixed up the house a couple years ago." In any case, they decided on Redwood, and so on August 31st Barney hugged his mom and James good-bye and gathered up his belongings. Then he threw a fistful of Floo powder into the fireplace and said, each word careful and clear, "Bridge Creek Orientation Building."
Emerging from the fireplace, choking a little on ash and his eyes watering, Barney decided he didn't really like traveling by Floo. Blinking away tears (from the travel, not because he was crying like a baby over leaving home or anything), he stumbled over to where a woman with a clipboard stood.
"Barney Stinson, first year," he said when she smiled at him.
"Thought you looked new," she said cheerfully, and marked his name off the clipboard. "Just go put your luggage in the room marked 'Luggage.' It's down the hall and the third door on your left. Then feel free to get to know your classmates!" She paused, and laughed. "Most of them will be in the cafeteria."
"Thank you," he said, and then dragged his belongings to the right room. Then he went to see if the cafeteria had any good food. He'd been too nervous to eat breakfast, and now he was starving.
Later, after he'd impressed three separate kids with his magic tricks (using real sleight of hand and not cheating with magic, of course) and tried all the weird food the place had to offer (he was totally sending James some Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans), he waited for orientation to start. They were going to meet their teachers, and learn about the rules and life at Redwood. After that, they'd finally get into the buses and drive the half-hour to Redwood.
The woman who'd been using the clipboard herded them all into the auditorium, where their principal stood waiting at the podium. He smiled at them. "I'm Principal Winters," he said, which made Barney grin, because Principal Winters, in charge of the California school where it probably never snowed? Nice. "I'd like to welcome you all to Redwood School of Magical Arts. I'm sure you'll all learn a lot here, and have fun doing it!"
The teachers clapped, so Barney shrugged and clapped too.
"Now, you will all receive your orientation packets once you board the buses today. We'll expect you to read it over the next week and sign that you've read and understand everything. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask a teacher or an older student. I'm simply going to go over a few important rules right now. First, the dormitories are separated by gender. No boy is allowed in the girls' dorm, and vice versa. If you break this rule, you will get an entire month of detention, so I suggest you all steer clear. Second, for those Muggleborn here, Redwood's policy is that no electronic devices are allowed on campus--"
"Wait, what?" Barney said. It must have come out louder than he meant, because several kids giggled and looked over at him, and Principal Winters frowned and squinted into the audience. Barney slouched down in his seat, and after a moment, the principal cleared his throat and continued with the list of rules.
Barney wasn't listening anymore, though. Mr. Hobbs hadn't mentioned the fact that he wasn't allowed to have electronics on campus! Barney thought about the small hand-held TV he'd gotten from a thrift store; it wasn't in color, but he could still see his dad's face pretty well, and the sound came out loud and clear. How was Barney expected to go whole months without watching The Price is Right and telling his dad what was going on in his life?
He slouched lower in his seat, and scowled harder. Well, Redwood was just going to have to change that rule.
*
In retrospect, Barney should have seen getting expelled from Redwood coming. Whatever, the New York program was much cooler, and meant he actually got to stay home with his mom and James. Also, you could totally mail-order Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans.
III.
After graduation, James and their mom threw Barney a party. Mom even let him have some decent alcohol from her liquor cabinet. It wasn't until the next morning that James ambushed him, catching him in the kitchen as he searched for some aspirin to soothe his aching head.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
Barney stared at him blankly for a minute, and then shrugged, wincing a little as the gesture made his head pound. Wizards had been around for several millennia and yet nobody had figured out a Hangover Banishment spell? Lame. "I don't know. My SAT score was pretty good--" And by pretty good, he meant excellent, with one or two exceptions (turned out Muggle and wizarding history were dull as dirt and that Barney sucked at both of them, no matter how much he studied for the stupid Sorcery Aptitude Test). "I could go to college."
"Magical college or Muggle college?"
"Either one," he answered, shrugging more carefully this time. He finally found a half-full bottle of aspirin and hummed a victory tune as he snagged two pills. "You know the New York program arranges it so students can get a job in either world."
"I--" James stopped, frowning, and looked away, towards the family room, where their mother was dozing, one arm flung across her eyes and her feet propped up on the coffee table. "I just thought maybe you could go to a school near me. We could hang out." His tone was so casual that it managed to be anything but carefree.
Barney paused, the pills halfway to his mouth, and then squinted at James, wondering a little at the tension in his brother's voice and the rigid set of his shoulders. Was James mad at him or something? It was true that Barney hadn't been spending as much time with James as usual, but then, James had gone off to college, and Barney had been busy with studying and taking the SAT, and they'd both just...drifted apart a little.
And that sucked, it really did. But these things happened during senior year. Did James honestly think that Barney wanted to abandon the Muggle world and him and their mom? Had they drifted apart that much?
"Barney? Think you might go to a school near me?" asked James, and Barney realized he hadn't answered him, that James's eyes were narrowed.
"Sounds like a good idea," he said at last, dry-swallowing the pills and wincing as one almost caught in his throat. Yeah, if he did ever work in the magical world, he was definitely going to create a Hangover Banishment spell. People would worship the ground he walked on. And it would help lessen misery in the world! He smiled at James. "Got any schools in mind?"
Something in James's face eased then, and he nodded.
Barney put the aspirin bottle back on the shelf, and closed the door carefully. He'd go to a school near James, and they'd catch up. Bridge the gap that had formed between them, that had been forming ever since Barney got that letter and James didn't, but Barney wasn't going to think about that, because then he'd regret...he'd regret being a wizard. No, he wouldn't think about that. He'd just have to focus on showing James that in the end, he and Mom were more important than some magic wand and the ability to do a spell or two.
"I was thinking about majoring in something awesome," he said, interrupting James's list of colleges. "Something fulfilling. Something important."
James raised an eyebrow. "What? You want to be a doctor or something?"
"I was thinking something better. Something like...ethnomusicology."
"Yeah, that's real important," James said dryly, and then jerked a thumb in the direction of his bedroom. "Come on. I've got some college pamphlets you can take a look at."
"Okay," Barney said. Yeah, everything was going to be fine.