How Barney Got His Groove Back (1/1)(NC-17)
Title: How Barney Got His Groove Back (1/1)
Author: Lilithisbitter
Timeline: The Yips/AU
Word Count: 6,000+
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Threesome sex, all flavors of sex, bondage.
Pairing: Marshall/Lily/Barney with implied Everyone/Robin with Ted/Barney snogging.
Summary: Barney fails to win to Rhonda “The Man Maker” French over and starts to lapse back into granola-eating hippie territory… Marshall just loves Barney’s suffering and the flavor of his agony… Robin wants some pie, Ted wants your dessert, and Lily just wants dirty rough sex. Maybe this could work out for everyone.
Written for the Summer Smut Challenge on mature_himym, unbetaed because of time.
How Barney Got His Groove Back
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Groove: (adjective) One’s seductive charm in impressing and attracting members of the opposite or even the same sex. Gives The Emperor’s New Groove a whole new meaning. Glad to corrupt you. This Barney’s awesome definitions… interrupting and being legen… wait for it and will be the fucking greatest ending ever… dary.
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“I was serious when I said I’ll join a hippie commune,” Barney mumbled from his facedown position in his nachos. He paused for a few moments and Lily could hear him chomp down cheese, refried beans, and chips. “Nom, nom, nom. Yep. Just stop cutting my hair, stop shaving, stop waxing, stop spray tanning, stop manicures and pedicures. I don’t deserve it. My lily-white assed, longhaired scruffy truth will be out there in tie die and khakis scaring the world. And I’m okay with that.”
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Nachos: (noun) Fresh tortilla chips with cheese, refried beans, and various other topping including various meats, sour cream, guacamole, jalapeño slices. Anything less would stale chips and bright orange fake cheese dip… really now. Puh-lease. Plus once a cutlet sees your skill at eating them without getting a stain on your suit (and it is all in the tongue, believe youfuckingmeandmefuckingyoutoo) she will be on you faster than you can get the zipper down and the condom on. Actually she’ll be on me and my Barllennium Falcon faster. My tongue can unwrap a Starburst in three seconds.
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He had been that way ever since he had stumbled back in the same zip-up hoodie and sweats he had been wearing when he departed with the Man Maker. He mumbled, “We had a conversation. We played cards. And then we watched her colonoscopy. But I can handle that. I did that with Madeline Albright and that lady’s colon is sexy. We were making love to that thing. Sweet, sweet love, BTW. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but she can rock your world like you wouldn’t believe.” His voice had a wistful tone to it for brief second.
“Barney, sweetie, honey, no… ew.” Lily said with a little grimace. “People are trying to eat.” She shoved her shared dessert away and gave the half-melted frozen yogurt a sad little glance. “Marshall, finish this?”
“No… Lilypad… I’m disgusted too.” Marshall looked like he was debating Slap Number Four and put his hand down with an air of mellon collie and the infinite sadness. “It’s not worth it. Go on. We’re listening.”
“I’ll finish it,” Ted said and snagged the cup away, “All of those years of slasher films and trying to get into frats paid off. Suck it, Lily. Vomit free since…” The date was mumbled by his next bite. Mosby probably hurled a few days ago and didn’t want to admit it. “Mmmm… stolen frogurt. I deserve you after that punishing bitch from hell.”
“See what I mean, Ted?”
“Yes,” Ted groaned and cracked his neck. “I don’t think I want to move ever again. Screw this weight and Diet Nazism… we all can’t be whipcord thin like Barney because he’s a freaky mcfreak freak freak. Uh, hey, you okay? You look wobbly.”
Barney started to sway from side to side. “It went wrong when I painted Rhonda’s fugly toenails.” He held his own perfectly manicured nails in front of his face. “I painted her yellowed nails. How do you let your nails get yellow and thick?” His voice grew both low and high pitch, “I think she had a fungal infection.”
Barney’s face was one of such deep-set horror and twitchiness, that Robin had snapped her fingers and shouted, “Order of nachos for the traumatized victim,” all the while easing Barney in between Lily and Marshall where he shook fast enough to be reclassified from human to vibrating plastic penis.
“Poor, poor Barn-barn-kins,” Marshall soothed, and pulled Barney’s trembling body onto one of the more cramped spots on his back. The pinched look of pain on his face courtesy of the trainer from hell immediately diminished. Apparently shaking, traumatized Barney was even better than a massage chair or a chiropractor’s adjustment. “Just let it all out. Mmmm… suffering. I mean, poor you. It must be rough. Hold on a second.” He moved Barney up on his back, his eyes rolling back in his head in pleasure. Barney, on the other hand, just blinked and just kept vibrating, making small pitiful hiccupping puppy noises under his breath.
“God, right there. Awww, it will be okay. I bet if I lick you, you’d taste like Schadenfreude Pie. We all love you no matter what, Barnaby Stinson. I love your suffering. There, there… it will turn out good, you’ll see. You’re so good trembling against my sore, punished muscles. The sun will come out tomorrow and your suffering will melt away like magic. Keep suffering, bitch, suffer.” He paused and shifted Barney against what had to be a rather sore spot. “Stop. Right there. Daddy’s back hurts. You know what he likes.” He turned around and pressed Barney closer in a hug and his smile broadened. “There, there, there. Kisses? I bet you want some. You need some. There you go.” Marshall started quickly peppering Barney’s face with numerous closed mouth kisses that were both chaste and perverse.
“Are you using Stinson as your own personal back massager?” Ted asked in sheer disbelief, spoon midway to his mouth. “Are you using his trauma for your gain?” Lily heard his Bro-lepthy message in mid-flight. “You bastard! I wanted to use him on my back. It’s just as sore as yours, twinkletoes! Go off and rehearse Swan Lake and stop boggarting the Barnacle 9000.”
Marshall pulled away for a moment. “Theodore Evelyn Mosby, I am shocked you would even suggest such a thing.” He pulled Barney right against his shoulder. “The poor guy is vibrating like a top. It would be an utter cheap move on my part to use every trembling tremble to uncramp my back. There’s a boy. Hold your head right there for a moment. I so bet you would taste like Schadenfreude Pie. The rich taste of suffering and I dig that.”
Barney made a halfhearted gurgle. “Murmurmur?” he asked after that.
“No, no… don’t speak. Just lie there, silently in your waves of agony and misery. It ruins the vibration. He’s like that pie. Mmmm… rich bad for you Schadenfreude Pie. The only pie to enjoy while enjoying the misery of others. Namely… Barney’s. Mmmm, Barney’s misery.”
“You mean he’s dark, rich, bittersweet, and you’d choke after one bite?” Robin asked, looking a bit interested or disgusted. Maybe both. “Actually that does sound like him. I want pie now, but not that type.” She drummed the table with her fingers. “Maybe lemon. I’m not sharing like ever.”
“Marshall, stop licking Barney!” Ted snapped out of the blue, spoon waving for emphasis, splattering everyone with yogurt drops. “If you want to stoop to his level, do it in the apartment… but not in my bedroom or the kitchen, but don’t ruin the bar!”
Why hadn’t she noticed? Shouldn’t her hedonistic heart have noticed? Lily turned her head to see Marshall was now clutching Barney’s head close and he was licking the blond’s cheek over and over. He stopped in mid-lick and let go. “I’ll do it later. He’s like traumatized so he didn’t notice and that sucks.” He leaned in again and gave Barney’s cheek one last lick, letting the tip of his tongue linger for a second. He knew Lily loved to watch. His filthy minded Lily. “Mmmm… you taste like suffering, Barnaby. Sweet, sweet suffering. And that really does taste like pie.”
“Thick yellow nails,” Barney suddenly repeated, jazz handing for emphasis. He didn’t notice his left side of his face was covered in a thick layer of Marshall’s saliva. “I mean why did I think that was sexy? Thick yellow nails are such a mortal sin. And then not a stir from the Barnana. My poor Barnito Supreme, times are rough. Both I and Barnacle Jr. agree her nails were a turn off.” He peered down his sweatpants giving Lily a rather nice glimpse of said Barnacle Jr. in his nice nest of dark blond curly pubes. Apparently Barney Stinson was too depressed to remember to wear any underwear. The motherly side of her wanted to hug him. Depraved sex fiend Lily wanted to mount him right on the table and fuck the yips out of him through that nice pale thick cock, the only part he couldn’t get a tan sprayed on. “I mean I don’t blame the brave little trooper. We fought long and hard.” He let his sweatpants snap back with a little sigh. “But all brave soldiers must retire. Poor Barnacle Jr. must hang up his yellow raincoat next to his rings and his parachute.” Barney looked down and saluted. “You were brave, Little Barney. Sleep well, sweet prince… you were the strong one. You thought for both of us. Poor young Barnacle Jr.” He stared blankly into space. “You were just thirty-two years young… and you partied hard with your two best friends.”
“Wait did you just wax poetic about your penis?” Robin asked and waved her hands across his face. “Seriously? Did you? That’s a bit creepy and melodramatic.”
Barney just gave an awkward little smirk. “Um, yeah? So?” He thought for a second. “Your two overly hairy friends who gain coolness points after the hair is removed.”
“Ewww… seriously… are you? Because either that’s Ted and Marshall or you’re talking about any time you wax your crotch for swimsuit season.”
“That’s what he generally means when he says Barnacle Jr.,” Ted said in a “duh” sort of way from his douche college days when he wore fake glasses to make himself look cool.
Lily hated when he got like that. It was right up there with all the times Ted tried to do his Bob Saget impersonation, the one he said he would tell his future kids Luke and Leia Mosby the stories of their life with. She could imagine those poor kids, dark haired and pretty, stuck on the couch, wondering what the hell they did wrong. Made her want to hunt down Karen and smack her teeth out like mahjong tiles.
“Generally means when he says Barnacle Jr.,” Robin and Ted said right on cue. After which, there were several said damns and shits from the group and one utterance of fuck from Barney and a I hate you so much from Marshall. At least, Barney’s filthy mouth was still there.
Robin seemed to think for a moment. “Seriously, Barney. Yips… get rid of them.” He gave her a blank stare. “Ummm…. Barney… look…” She raised her top up, giving him a show of her chest. “I’m a naughty, naughty girl… Barney… Robin’s such a dirty slut that she didn’t wear a bra. Free tatas for daddy. Barney!” She kept her shirt rolled up, her nipples stiffening in the air, like little pink peaks on the twin cream boob-shaped boob mountains of Scherbatsky.
“Barney, Barney… look at these.” Ted pulled a Barney, but instead of the eyes to eyes, he pointed from Barney’s eyes to Robin’s nipples. “Even Wendy the Waitress looks like she’s interested. She would jump Robin in a heartbeat. Snap out of it!”
“I so would. Nice nipples.” Wendy said, laying the biggest plate of nachos ever in front of Barney. “Here’s your nachos, sweetie. You don’t look so hot. You need anything? Gin and tonic? Whiskey and Red Bull? Waitress on the Bar Top?”
Barney gave her an odd little look that was akin to a puppy that had wolfed down a whole bag of sandwiches. “I’m so sorry for all of things I did, Wendy the Waitress. I was a wicked evil man with a large and thick penis.” His voice dropped low on the words ‘large and thick penis’. “I still am an evil man with a large and thick penis,” once again with the macho voice drop “but now I have learned the error of my ways. I have been broken and torn by the one critical piece in my sexual past. Let’s be friends and hug and…”
“Fuck?” Wendy asked, looking very interested, unbuttoning her top buttons to her cleavage. “Yes, please. On the bar after hours?”
“Make friendship bracelets! We can be like BFFs forever and evers,” Barney said, sinking deeper and deeper into lameness as his voice climbed several octaves. There was something gentle and not perverted about that smile at all. “We needed beads and hemp. I’ll show you how. It’s fun and easy. Oooh… oooh, Marshall, we’ll need some of your sandwiches. You know the ones.” He gave a little painful grin. “Daddy needs to forget. I think can a whole one if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, fuck,” Wendy said, now using the term in a different way, “He really does have the yips.” She backed away, looking rather disappointed and horny. Lily could hear her muttering, “And he looks so fuckable in a hoodie too. Mr. Vibrator is going to get such a workout tonight.”
Robin’s bare breasts quivered.
I wanna suck on them… Lily’s filthy mind said, they’re like little pale whitish pink pearls of happiness. I bet they taste like poutine. They even look little cheese curds. I want poutine now. Hey, Robin. Jump on up this table and we can eat piles of poutine off your hot naked body. I bet that would be just like home for you. Fries, gravy, and cheese curds with a side order of nummy Robin. And then we could all fuck you. Put your tongue to good use. You’ve got three holes so everyone could switch off while the fourth just masturbated or licked your tits. We’d plug you like the kitchen sink. Mmmmm… strap-on sex. Maybe I could peg one of the guys… maybe Barney. He always seems set for filth, filth, and more filth, well if not for the yips. I’d bet anything that even after all of that kinky sex, Barney’s ass is still was tight as any virgin’s. Naughty boy isn’t wearing any underwear, one less step if I took him here. Wow, he looks really good for his age. He looks more like twenty-four… twenty-eight max. I wish I looked that good. I bet he’s a vampire. Yeah, that’s why he uses instant tan. I mean the whole thing with bursting out into flames was added with Hollywood. I bet sex with vampires is awesome. Just as long as there’s no sparkling skin. Yeah… it would be so easy to take him… pull down those pants and just mount him… you’re a naughty boy, Barnaby? Well, Lily’s a naughty school teacher and she’ll spank you… spank you hard.
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Poutine: (Noun) Canadian foodstuff and comfort food of choice in Québec. Basically medium cut French fries with mild gravy and fresh curds. Best served over Robin’s hot naked body. Serves four friends provided that they are open minded and willing to share. Sharing is best and that is why mutual masturbation is the best masturbation there is. This is because it teaches sharing and sharing leads to sex. Remember, sometimes you just need to lend a bro a hand. I don’t care how gay it sounds… sometimes you are just jacking off, getting a good rhythm and you get wanker’s cramp. Ted’s always good about lending a hand. Marshall even more though… says a lot about their college days. I find I enjoy Marshall’s strong steady twisting stroke on my Baranaette over Ted’s slamming jerks any day of the week. But Ted did give me that nice tongue kiss that one time… er… well… peace out, hombres.
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Lily drifted out of her filthy mind to check on the yips suffer. Barney’s quivering head tilted up, past Robin’s bare chest and he locked eyes with her. “Dude, Scherbatsky… you are so open with yourself and I dig that.” There was a particular smile on his face that was serene and not at all perverted. There was a tone in his voice that was not Barney at all. “You are at peace with the world, where as I…” He held up his hands, “These shaky claws can not even do magic.” Several cards and a few bits of confetti shook loose as to prove his point.
Robin’s face turned to Ted, look of dread on it. “Oh fuck,” she cursed, letting her shirt drop back down. “He’s relapsed. He’s going to grow a stupid cotton candy goatee and a ponytail which wouldn’t be so bad if could neatly pull it back. But nooo, it was just sort of nattily tossed together.”
“Whatever you say, dude.” He neatly pulled a small hankie from his sleeve and dabbed at his nose once. “Nattily-tossed together ponytails are what make a hippie a hippie. Watch Hair more often, ladybro.”
She pulled Barney by his gelled spikes of blond hair, “You disgust me, Stinson! You were one of the legendary fuck Gods. Fucking is your life! And it should be your middle name. FYI… I am not wearing any underwear, period. I am as free as the breeze. It’s Sluttown here. Sluttown, USA!” She turned to Ted, pulling Barney’s hair so he could be facing that way too. “Say something, Ted. Snap him out of it.”
“This is some really good frogurt,” Ted said, scraping out the glass. He then waved his hands. “Seriously, can not help out. Barney with the yips is beyond my help. But I will bravely watch and say dude, that sucks.” He patted Barney’s head. “Dude… that sucks.” It was his spoon hand, so he left a puddle of melted yogurt in Barney’s hair. “It really sucks, but hey, I’m not going to miss Have Your Met Ted, really I’m not. I mean seriously, according to Heidi Klum’s blog, there are only two ways of getting rid of the yips and you are not going to like the second way. Trust me.”
Barney only gave them both a little smile and a peace sign. “Scherbatsky, Mosby, I’m going to quit my job and become a hippie. I…” he pointed to himself, “Will join my fellow hippie dudes and dudettes in a commune. It’s the only way to regain my sense of self if I even have a self left.” He paused and tilted his head to the side, even though his hair was still in a vise grip. “Whoa… cosmic.”
Robin gave a horrified little cry and let Barney’s hair go, in favor of holding Ted tightly. Barney’s momentum carried him right into his plate of nachos, where he started munching away not bothering with hands. Apparently the entire act of sulking made him hungry.
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Schadenfreude: (noun) The act of enjoying someone else’s misery. Take Marshall for example. He enjoys my misery way too much. I mean I don’t mind it during sex, but some days it really bothers me that I enjoy him enjoying my misery too much. It’s like a misery circle jerk, only I’m getting shot in the face with misery spunk as Marshall laughs. It’s the bukkake of misery. The prick.
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And eating made him lose weight. How did that even work? Lily would kill for his metabolism. How could someone eat as much as they did and still lose weight? She had as much as sex as him, dang it, so it couldn’t be the calorie burning of that. Oh, God, how could she be thinking something at a time like this, when their good friend Barney was on the brink of sliding into Loserville and never ever coming back. Poor Barney, his perverted soul was being lost in a whirl of hemp, tie-die, and socks worn with sandals. One of life’s tragedies unfolding before her eyes.
“Lift Barney’s head,” Ted whispered, holding up his phone, Robin giggling all the while, “I’ve got to get a money shot of his face smeared with nacho crap. Yo… Stinson, raise your face.”
The instant his name was mentioned, Barney raised his head and looked around, his face improbably clean, except for Marshall’s drying slobber. “Huh, someone call my name?” He looked around. “No? Okay. Back to nachos.” Barney proceed to give them a longing look. “Oh, nachos, you’re the only things I have to eat out left.” He cocked his ear to them, as if trying to listen. “What’s that? You’re delicious and full of cheese? I agree. Eat you? Love to.”
He was about to plunge headfirst into his nachos again when, Ted grabbed up short by the hair, right where the yogurt was congealing into a sticky mess. “So what are you going to do with your hippie life?”
Barney shrugged. “I was thinking of helping of the lonely and needed people of Nicaragua.” He pronounced it Ni-ha-ragua, which was kind of cute, really. Awwww, he developed a dorky speech impediment, which in a way lightened the situation of Barney’s relapse. “I’m going to help the poor Nicaraguans, because who else can. Marshall… quit your job and come help me. I need a friend of nature to bring me full at peace with my buried hippie past.”
Marshall’s eyes just lit up in happiness. The man in him was probably mourning the decay of awesome, but she knew the environmentalist in Marshall loved the hippie in Barney. “Can we wear fringed leather vests with awesome bellbottoms and run around in a hippie bus? You know… like in Jesus Christ Superstar.” Barney nodded. “Sweetness! I can grow my hair long too. It’d be like Hair, only not as depressing.”
“Barney, that’s all well and good, but it’s pronounced Nika-ragua.” Barney gave Ted a roundabout look. “Seriously,” Ted said, eyelid twitching. “There’s no h in the word… so why the fuck did you just pronounce it Ni-ha-ragua? Barney, you pronounced it perfectly a few days ago when you were dictating a letter that was addressed to a dictator over your Bluetooth headset.” She noticed Ted waved his spoon in a rather douchey way when he said each syllable of Ni-ha-ragua and Nika-ragua. “I mean I think it was a dictator. It also might have been… actually; I have no idea who it was. Barney, what do you do for living, anyway?”
“Heh-heh, please,” came the half-hearted reply. “Doesn’t matter cause I’m quitting.”
“Well, we could always guess,” Robin said, looking like she wanted to shove Barney’s face back into the nachos. “Um… you’re a filmmaker trying to create the perfect movie and you can never pay your rent on time. Also… your girlfriend left you for another woman. And most of your friends are HIV positive.”
Barney tilted his head to the side and drooled. “Mmmm… Lesbian Shannon. Maybe I could watch.” He had pulled himself slightly out of the pit of his hippie past. “Um… no.” As soon as he said that his face drifted back into peacenik land.
“Ummm…” Lily pounded the table for a second, “You’re a mad scientist who discovered the secret of immortality and like a horrible bastard, you’re not sharing.”
“I’d share.”
“No you wouldn’t…”
“Former child doctor!” Ted shouted out as the same time Marshall shouted out, “Former child actor!”
Ted glared hard as if he was trying to will out lasers. “Hey… I said former child doctor… come up with your own!”
Marshall folded his hands over his chest triumphantly. “Well… I said former child actor and he was a former child actor who played a child doctor and humped most of the actors on the cast. Then he went off a quest of getting high, stealing cars, doing coke off the asses of strippers, and humping car seats. But it was a cover for his feelings of insecurity and his need to slaughter the masses.” Marshall fought for a second. “No, it was just his need to slaughter the masses and find a good supply of shrooms.”
Lily watched as Barney did a blinky, twitchy spasm thing with his eyes. “Murmurmur,” he said absentmindedly.
“Of course this was before he used his mind ray to convince a group of unrelated people that they were his family,” Marshall said, in his government conspiracy voice. “And before he changed his name to Barney Stinson.” He paused and shrugged. “Or something like that. I’m still working out the details.” He wrapped his arms around Barney’s shoulders. “I’m calling pre-name change you Neil Patrick Harris. Hope you don’t mind.”
Barney smiled aimlessly. “Dude, cool name.”
“You still stole part of my idea. Besides… Barney can’t drive all that well. He’s either granny slow or granny fast.” Ted grumbled, trying to get another bite of frozen yogurt, and scraping nothing but glass. He held the glass aloft and then called out, “Wendy, another frogurt for the gym man!” He peered at it. “Sprinkle it with granola! And peanut butter cups!”
“I like granola,” Barney said, “It’s nature’s candy bar.”
Lily smacked him upside the head to a satisfying round of ow ow ows from him. “No… bad Barney… you’re supposed to be a pervert. Who’s going to help start up my page dedicated to the top ten orgies in porn… not Ted.”
“Maybe you can clone yourself,” Barney suggested. “Then you could talk about all things cosmic.” He gave one of those dreamy little peace signs, Lily grabbed his hand and shoved his extended fingers up his nose.
“Come on,” she protested, looking around their booth for any hint of concern. She nudged his arm and when he didn’t respond, Lily innocently elbowed him in the upper thigh.
Barney launched forward over the table and ended up with his knees in nacho debris and his lips locked on Ted’s. Ted’s eyes widened and then slightly lowered as for a instant Barney’s confident hypersexualized self came back, even in workout sweats. Barney parted first, a slight happy looking in his eyes. “Duuuuuude,” he drawled out in appreciation.
Ted tilted his head slightly in agreement. “Dude,” he returned in agreement.
“Dude,” Marshall added, nodding. It was amazing how much guys could put into one single word.
“Dude,” Ted said, shoving Barney away as the blond pervert tried to go in for a second kiss. He gestured at the bar. “Dude.”
“Dude?” Barney said in confusion and then fluttered his lashes. “Du-de.” There was a rather perverted expression on his face that slowly went back to dumbfounded hippie. Marshall took that opportunity to drag him back into his seat. “That being said,” Barney added, glaring at Marshall, “What the hell, dude?”
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Dude: The multiuse word for everything. I don’t need examples, dude. Really I don’t. If you need to know the definition of dude, then you are so beyond my help.
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“That’s my best friend you’re wildly making out with,” Marshall said, jabbing Barney in his ribs. “My best friend.”
The war for Ted’s friendship was enough to snap him back in Perverted Barney mode. “No, no way, Marshall, that’s my best friend that I… I am making out with.” He even pointed to his own chest for emphasis.
Marshall snorted slightly. “That’s funny, I only see a little hippie virgin. Someone who got so hurt the fact that his first time blows that now he just wants to stop trying. You’re quitter, Swarley. A skinny-ass quitter.”
“Take that back,” Barney said, leaping to his feet, hands curling up into fists, “That’s fighting words.”
“You know,” Ted said as Marshall slid out of the booth, looming, a virtual Bigfoot, “Technically, you can’t take something back once it’s been said. It’s impossible really since in communication ter-“
“Oh, puh-leaze be quiet.” Barney rolled his eyes. “Theodore, dear, the men folk are tryin’… fixin’ ta’ have a conversation all civilizated…”
“Civilizated isn’t a word.”
“It is now,” Barney said and before Lily could blink, he had nimbly leapt up, wrapped his legs around Marshall’s waist and was getting his confidence back the only way he knew how… shoving his tongue down someone else’s throat.
Marshall made a slight surprised tone, his arms flailing about before he decided that behind Barney’s head was a good spot to rest them. If he was trying to pry Barney’s lips off his own, that was a piss poor way of getting him off. Getting him off. Heh, she cracked herself up. “Pinch me,” Lily said dreamily and then added, “Ow.” when Robin did just that. “What the hell, Scherbatsky?”
“You literally said, Pinch you,” Robin said in that not-too-innocent tone. “Pinch.”
“Do they not have something called a figure of speech in Canada?” Ted asked, drumming his spoon against his empty yogurt cup.
“Were you waiting all evening to say that?”
Ted nodded, grinning foolishly.
Lily’s head pivoted so she could see Barney kissing Marshall again, but there was nothing there. No, no, damnit, mama needed her man on man action. Mama was good, mama deserved it. Lily tore out of the botth, nearly running into Wendy the Waitress, Carl, and some huge dude in a toupee before she sprinted up the stairs, sprinted up some more, until she was in front of their front door, fumbling with her keys. Barney was moaning and there was some definite slurping sounds echoing. Lily’s free hand slid against the crotch of her pants, pressing, questing, teasing. Damnit, these sounds were going to have her jilling off in the hallway and miss it all.
She reluctantly pulled her hand away and unlocked the door. Well, this was odd. They were still dressed, except Marshall was sucking Barney’s toes like… well, toe flavored, toe shaped, toe lollipops… wow, that sounded lame. Barney loved it if the erection peeking out of his workout pants was anything to go by. “Lily,” the bastard said, teasingly, wiggling that long pink tongue of his. “My foot demands a high five.” The yips were leaving him along with any trace of hippie doubt.
“Barney,” Marshall said in a casual voice reserved for only one thing and one thing only as the back of his hand traced one of Barney’s cheekbones. “Barney… Lily’s pussy demands a kiss.”
“Ahhh…squeak-a-wers,” Barney said or however you could spell those odd little noises he babbled when threatened with a slap. If anything, it made him more horny. Marshall’s hand dropping down to rub was probably a contributing factor. “Mrs. Aldrin, I can’t do it as well if you wear clothes.” Barney’s fingers were already peeling down her pants. “So it true,” he husked against the bare wet folds of her cunt. “You naughty girl, what if you’re in an accident?” His lips touched briefly above her clit. “Maybe you were… you’re all moist.” He swiped his tongue across her crotch for proof. “You’ve got such a moist pussy.”
“You son of a bitch,” Lily said and pushed his face down before he could add anymore or see the blush.
Barney to his credit, shut up before he tongued and mouthed folds of labia, never touching the bud of her clitoris. She heard a grunt from Marshall and realized Barney was rubbing one of his bare feet against Marshall’s crotch. “You like my cock, don’t you?” Marshall asked.
“Did Lily ever tell you blow at dirty talk?” Barney asked, raising his head in amusement. Her juices gleamed on his lips. “Because, you shouldn’t stop being a lawyer.”
“No,” Marshall said almost hiding his grin. “But she tells me I’m great at blowing.”
“What the hell are you-“
Marshall gave Barney’s cockhead a devilish lick. The older man’s hips bucked and wobbled. “Pretty,” Lily said and hauled down Barney’s sweatpants before he could do it himself.
Sure Marshall’s calves were amazing, but Barney’s slender ankles were just too hot. Plus the combination of his plush ass and the blue hoodie was a turn on. “Tricycle,” she said and ran her finger down the crack of his butt.
“Where did you learn that?” Barney asked Marshall, eyes wide and open like back when he thought Marshall knew how to live.
Marshall shared a look with Lily. “You can tell him,” she said, “It turns me on, so much.”
“College… Ted. Cause he’s my best friend.”
“Imhisbestfriend,” Barney snapped.
“Mmmm… baby, you know what turns me on,” Lily husked.
Barney slid a few fingers inside of her, wiggling briefly before he pulled them out and licked them clean. “Yeah it does,” he said.
“What turns you on, Barnaby?” she asked and pressed a single finger against the tightly closed pucker she found. He leaned into her touch, smiling and humming happily. “I thought so,” Lily said and stripped off her shirt. Her nipples popped up eagerly in the cool air of the apartment and Barney closed one in the damp space of his mouth, nibbling encouragingly. “What do you think, Marshmallow?”
“We’re going to cure you of the yips,” Marshall said and was already padding to their bedroom in search of the lube for whenever they felt adventurous. Which depending on the time and place, could actually be quite often.
Barney was giving her a rather particular look. “Really?” he asked. “Really-really?”
She bopped him on the nose.
“Okay,” Marshall said, hands full of items. “I’ve the lube, the condoms, and the cock ring.”
“Cock ring?” Barney said, straightening up, eagerly. “Gimme!” He grabbed it before Marshall had a chance to “Gimme” and slid it over his erection, pushing it against his groin before looking down to admire it. “Marshall, you shouldn’t have.”
“Oooh,” Lily said, her fingers twanging his erection merrily.
“And handcuffs,” Marshall concluded.
Barney blinked. “Wait, what?” But Marshall moved fast and pulled his arms behind his back and had them securely locked in place. There was the sound of two more clinks. Marshall had used the cuffs that had ankle cuffs as well, leaving Barney slightly arched backwards, thighs splayed, erection brushing against his hoodie. “Marshall!”
Lily’s hands deftly unzipped the hoodie. “Not used to not being in control?” Her fingers tweaked a nipple causing him to gurgle in surprise, amusement, and a fair bit of arousal.
“Pfft,” Barney said, “Used to not being in control. Never been in a devil’s threeway before. You know… two dudes.” His tongue licked his lips and he accepted the ball gag Marshall pressed into his mouth with a kiss, biting into it to hold it in place while it was strapped on. His penis vibrated in anticipation. “Mmmph.”
“Sweet slut,” Marshall breathed against the nape of Barney’s neck. The blond wiggled his fingers teasingly. “You think you deserve to ride the python I keep in my pants?” Barney grinned around the ball gag. Even cuffed, he had unzipped Marshall’s pants and deftly eased out his massive cock and sack, rubbing it with the flat of his palm.
“I think he likes you,” Lily teased in more ways than one, letting her folds brush the shaft of Barney’s erection. She could hear him hiss even through the gag. “I think he likes me too,” she cooed down at his prick.
Barney made a hmmm sound that turned into something that sounded like “Cold, cold!”
Marshall held up a few gooey fingers. “Oh stop, whining, it will warm up.” Lily looked over Barney’s shoulder to see Marshall’s fingers working in and out. “See? That’s a good man. Condom, Lily.” He had opened a foil packet and was working the brightly colored latex over himself.
“Clothes, Marshmallow,” she said.
“Right.” And they fluttered to the ground in a stack.
Lily’s fingers slipped the cockring off and the condom on. Barney’s eyes rolled back as she bucked back and then forth, sheathing his cock in her. He was no Marshall, but God, he felt good. The ball gag hit her in the shoulder. Barney’s fingers scrambled for purchase. Marshall pulled out and squirted another splash of lubricant on himself before pushing back in. Barney mouthed a thank you around the gag.
It somehow moved into naturalness. Hotter than she could have ever imagined. Pushing and thrusting. Needing and want. Give and take. Kissing Barney’s high forehead and licking sweat off it. Somehow during the act, Lily undid the gag and let him kiss Marshall again, before she kissed him as well. His eyes glimmered with tears at the corners, but he was smiling, the kind that crinkled his eyes at the corners. “Thank you,” she heard him gasp out, before he thrust, thrust, thrust, his breath easing into shallow little gulps. And that was enough to bring her over the edge.
He may not have been the best lover, but he was adorable about it.
Was he snoring? The little hedonistic prick. He had fallen asleep against her chest, nuzzling away, mouth hanging open. Barney could pull off strangely cute and perverted at the same time, no problem.
“Think we should leave him cuffed?”
“Honestly,” she huffed and tossed the couch pillow at Marshall. “He’ll be cramped in the morning.”
Barney snorted in his sleep and did some little motion that caused the cuffs to fall off before curling up. “He’s cute,” Marshall said, brushing a section of sweat damp blond hair.
“He’d be cuter if you’d pull out.”
“Ahh, I should, shouldn’t I?”
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Barney’s Blog:
Mood: Awesome
Location: My Pants
The Barnacle is back, amigos. Check the photo and video section for my legendary encounter with a hot hottie and her missed calling as a porn star… give it up for Marsha and Billy. Oh yes, the sex was great. I am full of vigor and spunk. And a new bro code law. Seriously, dudes… eye contact with another bro during a devil’s threeway… can we say awkward?
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“And so Barney’s got his groove back because you had sex with him?” Ted asked the next day over his beer. “On our couch which you promised not to have sex on.”
“Hrumph,” Marshall said, pointedly, “I’ll have you know that we promised not to have crazy gorilla sex on the couch… we had crazy threesome sex… lawyered.”
“So, he’s all over this hippie thing?”
“Yes,” an inhale and an exhale, “Which is a good thing… because I don’t think I could deal with a second round of douche.”
“I was never a douche,” Ted muttered sourly. He peered over at the bar. “Barney’s taking an awful long time to be getting drinks. You think he found a girl?”
Marshall peered over as well. “Looks like he found some old cougar. Aw, Barney… no tangling with cougars.”
“It’s Rhonda,” Ted said, “Maybe he’ll tell her he doesn’t need her to prove he’s a man.” He closed his eyes and nodded sagely.
“With his tongue?”
Ted whipped his head over to see Barney pawing at Rhonda’s breasts, her hands plastered to his slack-clad butt. It was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen in his whole life so far. “I think I threw up a little in a my mouth.”
Barney shot them a quick thumbs up. Daddy was back.
The End
Author: Lilithisbitter
Timeline: The Yips/AU
Word Count: 6,000+
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Threesome sex, all flavors of sex, bondage.
Pairing: Marshall/Lily/Barney with implied Everyone/Robin with Ted/Barney snogging.
Summary: Barney fails to win to Rhonda “The Man Maker” French over and starts to lapse back into granola-eating hippie territory… Marshall just loves Barney’s suffering and the flavor of his agony… Robin wants some pie, Ted wants your dessert, and Lily just wants dirty rough sex. Maybe this could work out for everyone.
Written for the Summer Smut Challenge on mature_himym, unbetaed because of time.
How Barney Got His Groove Back
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Groove: (adjective) One’s seductive charm in impressing and attracting members of the opposite or even the same sex. Gives The Emperor’s New Groove a whole new meaning. Glad to corrupt you. This Barney’s awesome definitions… interrupting and being legen… wait for it and will be the fucking greatest ending ever… dary.
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“I was serious when I said I’ll join a hippie commune,” Barney mumbled from his facedown position in his nachos. He paused for a few moments and Lily could hear him chomp down cheese, refried beans, and chips. “Nom, nom, nom. Yep. Just stop cutting my hair, stop shaving, stop waxing, stop spray tanning, stop manicures and pedicures. I don’t deserve it. My lily-white assed, longhaired scruffy truth will be out there in tie die and khakis scaring the world. And I’m okay with that.”
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Nachos: (noun) Fresh tortilla chips with cheese, refried beans, and various other topping including various meats, sour cream, guacamole, jalapeño slices. Anything less would stale chips and bright orange fake cheese dip… really now. Puh-lease. Plus once a cutlet sees your skill at eating them without getting a stain on your suit (and it is all in the tongue, believe youfuckingmeandmefuckingyoutoo) she will be on you faster than you can get the zipper down and the condom on. Actually she’ll be on me and my Barllennium Falcon faster. My tongue can unwrap a Starburst in three seconds.
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He had been that way ever since he had stumbled back in the same zip-up hoodie and sweats he had been wearing when he departed with the Man Maker. He mumbled, “We had a conversation. We played cards. And then we watched her colonoscopy. But I can handle that. I did that with Madeline Albright and that lady’s colon is sexy. We were making love to that thing. Sweet, sweet love, BTW. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but she can rock your world like you wouldn’t believe.” His voice had a wistful tone to it for brief second.
“Barney, sweetie, honey, no… ew.” Lily said with a little grimace. “People are trying to eat.” She shoved her shared dessert away and gave the half-melted frozen yogurt a sad little glance. “Marshall, finish this?”
“No… Lilypad… I’m disgusted too.” Marshall looked like he was debating Slap Number Four and put his hand down with an air of mellon collie and the infinite sadness. “It’s not worth it. Go on. We’re listening.”
“I’ll finish it,” Ted said and snagged the cup away, “All of those years of slasher films and trying to get into frats paid off. Suck it, Lily. Vomit free since…” The date was mumbled by his next bite. Mosby probably hurled a few days ago and didn’t want to admit it. “Mmmm… stolen frogurt. I deserve you after that punishing bitch from hell.”
“See what I mean, Ted?”
“Yes,” Ted groaned and cracked his neck. “I don’t think I want to move ever again. Screw this weight and Diet Nazism… we all can’t be whipcord thin like Barney because he’s a freaky mcfreak freak freak. Uh, hey, you okay? You look wobbly.”
Barney started to sway from side to side. “It went wrong when I painted Rhonda’s fugly toenails.” He held his own perfectly manicured nails in front of his face. “I painted her yellowed nails. How do you let your nails get yellow and thick?” His voice grew both low and high pitch, “I think she had a fungal infection.”
Barney’s face was one of such deep-set horror and twitchiness, that Robin had snapped her fingers and shouted, “Order of nachos for the traumatized victim,” all the while easing Barney in between Lily and Marshall where he shook fast enough to be reclassified from human to vibrating plastic penis.
“Poor, poor Barn-barn-kins,” Marshall soothed, and pulled Barney’s trembling body onto one of the more cramped spots on his back. The pinched look of pain on his face courtesy of the trainer from hell immediately diminished. Apparently shaking, traumatized Barney was even better than a massage chair or a chiropractor’s adjustment. “Just let it all out. Mmmm… suffering. I mean, poor you. It must be rough. Hold on a second.” He moved Barney up on his back, his eyes rolling back in his head in pleasure. Barney, on the other hand, just blinked and just kept vibrating, making small pitiful hiccupping puppy noises under his breath.
“God, right there. Awww, it will be okay. I bet if I lick you, you’d taste like Schadenfreude Pie. We all love you no matter what, Barnaby Stinson. I love your suffering. There, there… it will turn out good, you’ll see. You’re so good trembling against my sore, punished muscles. The sun will come out tomorrow and your suffering will melt away like magic. Keep suffering, bitch, suffer.” He paused and shifted Barney against what had to be a rather sore spot. “Stop. Right there. Daddy’s back hurts. You know what he likes.” He turned around and pressed Barney closer in a hug and his smile broadened. “There, there, there. Kisses? I bet you want some. You need some. There you go.” Marshall started quickly peppering Barney’s face with numerous closed mouth kisses that were both chaste and perverse.
“Are you using Stinson as your own personal back massager?” Ted asked in sheer disbelief, spoon midway to his mouth. “Are you using his trauma for your gain?” Lily heard his Bro-lepthy message in mid-flight. “You bastard! I wanted to use him on my back. It’s just as sore as yours, twinkletoes! Go off and rehearse Swan Lake and stop boggarting the Barnacle 9000.”
Marshall pulled away for a moment. “Theodore Evelyn Mosby, I am shocked you would even suggest such a thing.” He pulled Barney right against his shoulder. “The poor guy is vibrating like a top. It would be an utter cheap move on my part to use every trembling tremble to uncramp my back. There’s a boy. Hold your head right there for a moment. I so bet you would taste like Schadenfreude Pie. The rich taste of suffering and I dig that.”
Barney made a halfhearted gurgle. “Murmurmur?” he asked after that.
“No, no… don’t speak. Just lie there, silently in your waves of agony and misery. It ruins the vibration. He’s like that pie. Mmmm… rich bad for you Schadenfreude Pie. The only pie to enjoy while enjoying the misery of others. Namely… Barney’s. Mmmm, Barney’s misery.”
“You mean he’s dark, rich, bittersweet, and you’d choke after one bite?” Robin asked, looking a bit interested or disgusted. Maybe both. “Actually that does sound like him. I want pie now, but not that type.” She drummed the table with her fingers. “Maybe lemon. I’m not sharing like ever.”
“Marshall, stop licking Barney!” Ted snapped out of the blue, spoon waving for emphasis, splattering everyone with yogurt drops. “If you want to stoop to his level, do it in the apartment… but not in my bedroom or the kitchen, but don’t ruin the bar!”
Why hadn’t she noticed? Shouldn’t her hedonistic heart have noticed? Lily turned her head to see Marshall was now clutching Barney’s head close and he was licking the blond’s cheek over and over. He stopped in mid-lick and let go. “I’ll do it later. He’s like traumatized so he didn’t notice and that sucks.” He leaned in again and gave Barney’s cheek one last lick, letting the tip of his tongue linger for a second. He knew Lily loved to watch. His filthy minded Lily. “Mmmm… you taste like suffering, Barnaby. Sweet, sweet suffering. And that really does taste like pie.”
“Thick yellow nails,” Barney suddenly repeated, jazz handing for emphasis. He didn’t notice his left side of his face was covered in a thick layer of Marshall’s saliva. “I mean why did I think that was sexy? Thick yellow nails are such a mortal sin. And then not a stir from the Barnana. My poor Barnito Supreme, times are rough. Both I and Barnacle Jr. agree her nails were a turn off.” He peered down his sweatpants giving Lily a rather nice glimpse of said Barnacle Jr. in his nice nest of dark blond curly pubes. Apparently Barney Stinson was too depressed to remember to wear any underwear. The motherly side of her wanted to hug him. Depraved sex fiend Lily wanted to mount him right on the table and fuck the yips out of him through that nice pale thick cock, the only part he couldn’t get a tan sprayed on. “I mean I don’t blame the brave little trooper. We fought long and hard.” He let his sweatpants snap back with a little sigh. “But all brave soldiers must retire. Poor Barnacle Jr. must hang up his yellow raincoat next to his rings and his parachute.” Barney looked down and saluted. “You were brave, Little Barney. Sleep well, sweet prince… you were the strong one. You thought for both of us. Poor young Barnacle Jr.” He stared blankly into space. “You were just thirty-two years young… and you partied hard with your two best friends.”
“Wait did you just wax poetic about your penis?” Robin asked and waved her hands across his face. “Seriously? Did you? That’s a bit creepy and melodramatic.”
Barney just gave an awkward little smirk. “Um, yeah? So?” He thought for a second. “Your two overly hairy friends who gain coolness points after the hair is removed.”
“Ewww… seriously… are you? Because either that’s Ted and Marshall or you’re talking about any time you wax your crotch for swimsuit season.”
“That’s what he generally means when he says Barnacle Jr.,” Ted said in a “duh” sort of way from his douche college days when he wore fake glasses to make himself look cool.
Lily hated when he got like that. It was right up there with all the times Ted tried to do his Bob Saget impersonation, the one he said he would tell his future kids Luke and Leia Mosby the stories of their life with. She could imagine those poor kids, dark haired and pretty, stuck on the couch, wondering what the hell they did wrong. Made her want to hunt down Karen and smack her teeth out like mahjong tiles.
“Generally means when he says Barnacle Jr.,” Robin and Ted said right on cue. After which, there were several said damns and shits from the group and one utterance of fuck from Barney and a I hate you so much from Marshall. At least, Barney’s filthy mouth was still there.
Robin seemed to think for a moment. “Seriously, Barney. Yips… get rid of them.” He gave her a blank stare. “Ummm…. Barney… look…” She raised her top up, giving him a show of her chest. “I’m a naughty, naughty girl… Barney… Robin’s such a dirty slut that she didn’t wear a bra. Free tatas for daddy. Barney!” She kept her shirt rolled up, her nipples stiffening in the air, like little pink peaks on the twin cream boob-shaped boob mountains of Scherbatsky.
“Barney, Barney… look at these.” Ted pulled a Barney, but instead of the eyes to eyes, he pointed from Barney’s eyes to Robin’s nipples. “Even Wendy the Waitress looks like she’s interested. She would jump Robin in a heartbeat. Snap out of it!”
“I so would. Nice nipples.” Wendy said, laying the biggest plate of nachos ever in front of Barney. “Here’s your nachos, sweetie. You don’t look so hot. You need anything? Gin and tonic? Whiskey and Red Bull? Waitress on the Bar Top?”
Barney gave her an odd little look that was akin to a puppy that had wolfed down a whole bag of sandwiches. “I’m so sorry for all of things I did, Wendy the Waitress. I was a wicked evil man with a large and thick penis.” His voice dropped low on the words ‘large and thick penis’. “I still am an evil man with a large and thick penis,” once again with the macho voice drop “but now I have learned the error of my ways. I have been broken and torn by the one critical piece in my sexual past. Let’s be friends and hug and…”
“Fuck?” Wendy asked, looking very interested, unbuttoning her top buttons to her cleavage. “Yes, please. On the bar after hours?”
“Make friendship bracelets! We can be like BFFs forever and evers,” Barney said, sinking deeper and deeper into lameness as his voice climbed several octaves. There was something gentle and not perverted about that smile at all. “We needed beads and hemp. I’ll show you how. It’s fun and easy. Oooh… oooh, Marshall, we’ll need some of your sandwiches. You know the ones.” He gave a little painful grin. “Daddy needs to forget. I think can a whole one if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, fuck,” Wendy said, now using the term in a different way, “He really does have the yips.” She backed away, looking rather disappointed and horny. Lily could hear her muttering, “And he looks so fuckable in a hoodie too. Mr. Vibrator is going to get such a workout tonight.”
Robin’s bare breasts quivered.
I wanna suck on them… Lily’s filthy mind said, they’re like little pale whitish pink pearls of happiness. I bet they taste like poutine. They even look little cheese curds. I want poutine now. Hey, Robin. Jump on up this table and we can eat piles of poutine off your hot naked body. I bet that would be just like home for you. Fries, gravy, and cheese curds with a side order of nummy Robin. And then we could all fuck you. Put your tongue to good use. You’ve got three holes so everyone could switch off while the fourth just masturbated or licked your tits. We’d plug you like the kitchen sink. Mmmmm… strap-on sex. Maybe I could peg one of the guys… maybe Barney. He always seems set for filth, filth, and more filth, well if not for the yips. I’d bet anything that even after all of that kinky sex, Barney’s ass is still was tight as any virgin’s. Naughty boy isn’t wearing any underwear, one less step if I took him here. Wow, he looks really good for his age. He looks more like twenty-four… twenty-eight max. I wish I looked that good. I bet he’s a vampire. Yeah, that’s why he uses instant tan. I mean the whole thing with bursting out into flames was added with Hollywood. I bet sex with vampires is awesome. Just as long as there’s no sparkling skin. Yeah… it would be so easy to take him… pull down those pants and just mount him… you’re a naughty boy, Barnaby? Well, Lily’s a naughty school teacher and she’ll spank you… spank you hard.
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Poutine: (Noun) Canadian foodstuff and comfort food of choice in Québec. Basically medium cut French fries with mild gravy and fresh curds. Best served over Robin’s hot naked body. Serves four friends provided that they are open minded and willing to share. Sharing is best and that is why mutual masturbation is the best masturbation there is. This is because it teaches sharing and sharing leads to sex. Remember, sometimes you just need to lend a bro a hand. I don’t care how gay it sounds… sometimes you are just jacking off, getting a good rhythm and you get wanker’s cramp. Ted’s always good about lending a hand. Marshall even more though… says a lot about their college days. I find I enjoy Marshall’s strong steady twisting stroke on my Baranaette over Ted’s slamming jerks any day of the week. But Ted did give me that nice tongue kiss that one time… er… well… peace out, hombres.
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Lily drifted out of her filthy mind to check on the yips suffer. Barney’s quivering head tilted up, past Robin’s bare chest and he locked eyes with her. “Dude, Scherbatsky… you are so open with yourself and I dig that.” There was a particular smile on his face that was serene and not at all perverted. There was a tone in his voice that was not Barney at all. “You are at peace with the world, where as I…” He held up his hands, “These shaky claws can not even do magic.” Several cards and a few bits of confetti shook loose as to prove his point.
Robin’s face turned to Ted, look of dread on it. “Oh fuck,” she cursed, letting her shirt drop back down. “He’s relapsed. He’s going to grow a stupid cotton candy goatee and a ponytail which wouldn’t be so bad if could neatly pull it back. But nooo, it was just sort of nattily tossed together.”
“Whatever you say, dude.” He neatly pulled a small hankie from his sleeve and dabbed at his nose once. “Nattily-tossed together ponytails are what make a hippie a hippie. Watch Hair more often, ladybro.”
She pulled Barney by his gelled spikes of blond hair, “You disgust me, Stinson! You were one of the legendary fuck Gods. Fucking is your life! And it should be your middle name. FYI… I am not wearing any underwear, period. I am as free as the breeze. It’s Sluttown here. Sluttown, USA!” She turned to Ted, pulling Barney’s hair so he could be facing that way too. “Say something, Ted. Snap him out of it.”
“This is some really good frogurt,” Ted said, scraping out the glass. He then waved his hands. “Seriously, can not help out. Barney with the yips is beyond my help. But I will bravely watch and say dude, that sucks.” He patted Barney’s head. “Dude… that sucks.” It was his spoon hand, so he left a puddle of melted yogurt in Barney’s hair. “It really sucks, but hey, I’m not going to miss Have Your Met Ted, really I’m not. I mean seriously, according to Heidi Klum’s blog, there are only two ways of getting rid of the yips and you are not going to like the second way. Trust me.”
Barney only gave them both a little smile and a peace sign. “Scherbatsky, Mosby, I’m going to quit my job and become a hippie. I…” he pointed to himself, “Will join my fellow hippie dudes and dudettes in a commune. It’s the only way to regain my sense of self if I even have a self left.” He paused and tilted his head to the side, even though his hair was still in a vise grip. “Whoa… cosmic.”
Robin gave a horrified little cry and let Barney’s hair go, in favor of holding Ted tightly. Barney’s momentum carried him right into his plate of nachos, where he started munching away not bothering with hands. Apparently the entire act of sulking made him hungry.
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Schadenfreude: (noun) The act of enjoying someone else’s misery. Take Marshall for example. He enjoys my misery way too much. I mean I don’t mind it during sex, but some days it really bothers me that I enjoy him enjoying my misery too much. It’s like a misery circle jerk, only I’m getting shot in the face with misery spunk as Marshall laughs. It’s the bukkake of misery. The prick.
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And eating made him lose weight. How did that even work? Lily would kill for his metabolism. How could someone eat as much as they did and still lose weight? She had as much as sex as him, dang it, so it couldn’t be the calorie burning of that. Oh, God, how could she be thinking something at a time like this, when their good friend Barney was on the brink of sliding into Loserville and never ever coming back. Poor Barney, his perverted soul was being lost in a whirl of hemp, tie-die, and socks worn with sandals. One of life’s tragedies unfolding before her eyes.
“Lift Barney’s head,” Ted whispered, holding up his phone, Robin giggling all the while, “I’ve got to get a money shot of his face smeared with nacho crap. Yo… Stinson, raise your face.”
The instant his name was mentioned, Barney raised his head and looked around, his face improbably clean, except for Marshall’s drying slobber. “Huh, someone call my name?” He looked around. “No? Okay. Back to nachos.” Barney proceed to give them a longing look. “Oh, nachos, you’re the only things I have to eat out left.” He cocked his ear to them, as if trying to listen. “What’s that? You’re delicious and full of cheese? I agree. Eat you? Love to.”
He was about to plunge headfirst into his nachos again when, Ted grabbed up short by the hair, right where the yogurt was congealing into a sticky mess. “So what are you going to do with your hippie life?”
Barney shrugged. “I was thinking of helping of the lonely and needed people of Nicaragua.” He pronounced it Ni-ha-ragua, which was kind of cute, really. Awwww, he developed a dorky speech impediment, which in a way lightened the situation of Barney’s relapse. “I’m going to help the poor Nicaraguans, because who else can. Marshall… quit your job and come help me. I need a friend of nature to bring me full at peace with my buried hippie past.”
Marshall’s eyes just lit up in happiness. The man in him was probably mourning the decay of awesome, but she knew the environmentalist in Marshall loved the hippie in Barney. “Can we wear fringed leather vests with awesome bellbottoms and run around in a hippie bus? You know… like in Jesus Christ Superstar.” Barney nodded. “Sweetness! I can grow my hair long too. It’d be like Hair, only not as depressing.”
“Barney, that’s all well and good, but it’s pronounced Nika-ragua.” Barney gave Ted a roundabout look. “Seriously,” Ted said, eyelid twitching. “There’s no h in the word… so why the fuck did you just pronounce it Ni-ha-ragua? Barney, you pronounced it perfectly a few days ago when you were dictating a letter that was addressed to a dictator over your Bluetooth headset.” She noticed Ted waved his spoon in a rather douchey way when he said each syllable of Ni-ha-ragua and Nika-ragua. “I mean I think it was a dictator. It also might have been… actually; I have no idea who it was. Barney, what do you do for living, anyway?”
“Heh-heh, please,” came the half-hearted reply. “Doesn’t matter cause I’m quitting.”
“Well, we could always guess,” Robin said, looking like she wanted to shove Barney’s face back into the nachos. “Um… you’re a filmmaker trying to create the perfect movie and you can never pay your rent on time. Also… your girlfriend left you for another woman. And most of your friends are HIV positive.”
Barney tilted his head to the side and drooled. “Mmmm… Lesbian Shannon. Maybe I could watch.” He had pulled himself slightly out of the pit of his hippie past. “Um… no.” As soon as he said that his face drifted back into peacenik land.
“Ummm…” Lily pounded the table for a second, “You’re a mad scientist who discovered the secret of immortality and like a horrible bastard, you’re not sharing.”
“I’d share.”
“No you wouldn’t…”
“Former child doctor!” Ted shouted out as the same time Marshall shouted out, “Former child actor!”
Ted glared hard as if he was trying to will out lasers. “Hey… I said former child doctor… come up with your own!”
Marshall folded his hands over his chest triumphantly. “Well… I said former child actor and he was a former child actor who played a child doctor and humped most of the actors on the cast. Then he went off a quest of getting high, stealing cars, doing coke off the asses of strippers, and humping car seats. But it was a cover for his feelings of insecurity and his need to slaughter the masses.” Marshall fought for a second. “No, it was just his need to slaughter the masses and find a good supply of shrooms.”
Lily watched as Barney did a blinky, twitchy spasm thing with his eyes. “Murmurmur,” he said absentmindedly.
“Of course this was before he used his mind ray to convince a group of unrelated people that they were his family,” Marshall said, in his government conspiracy voice. “And before he changed his name to Barney Stinson.” He paused and shrugged. “Or something like that. I’m still working out the details.” He wrapped his arms around Barney’s shoulders. “I’m calling pre-name change you Neil Patrick Harris. Hope you don’t mind.”
Barney smiled aimlessly. “Dude, cool name.”
“You still stole part of my idea. Besides… Barney can’t drive all that well. He’s either granny slow or granny fast.” Ted grumbled, trying to get another bite of frozen yogurt, and scraping nothing but glass. He held the glass aloft and then called out, “Wendy, another frogurt for the gym man!” He peered at it. “Sprinkle it with granola! And peanut butter cups!”
“I like granola,” Barney said, “It’s nature’s candy bar.”
Lily smacked him upside the head to a satisfying round of ow ow ows from him. “No… bad Barney… you’re supposed to be a pervert. Who’s going to help start up my page dedicated to the top ten orgies in porn… not Ted.”
“Maybe you can clone yourself,” Barney suggested. “Then you could talk about all things cosmic.” He gave one of those dreamy little peace signs, Lily grabbed his hand and shoved his extended fingers up his nose.
“Come on,” she protested, looking around their booth for any hint of concern. She nudged his arm and when he didn’t respond, Lily innocently elbowed him in the upper thigh.
Barney launched forward over the table and ended up with his knees in nacho debris and his lips locked on Ted’s. Ted’s eyes widened and then slightly lowered as for a instant Barney’s confident hypersexualized self came back, even in workout sweats. Barney parted first, a slight happy looking in his eyes. “Duuuuuude,” he drawled out in appreciation.
Ted tilted his head slightly in agreement. “Dude,” he returned in agreement.
“Dude,” Marshall added, nodding. It was amazing how much guys could put into one single word.
“Dude,” Ted said, shoving Barney away as the blond pervert tried to go in for a second kiss. He gestured at the bar. “Dude.”
“Dude?” Barney said in confusion and then fluttered his lashes. “Du-de.” There was a rather perverted expression on his face that slowly went back to dumbfounded hippie. Marshall took that opportunity to drag him back into his seat. “That being said,” Barney added, glaring at Marshall, “What the hell, dude?”
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Dude: The multiuse word for everything. I don’t need examples, dude. Really I don’t. If you need to know the definition of dude, then you are so beyond my help.
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“That’s my best friend you’re wildly making out with,” Marshall said, jabbing Barney in his ribs. “My best friend.”
The war for Ted’s friendship was enough to snap him back in Perverted Barney mode. “No, no way, Marshall, that’s my best friend that I… I am making out with.” He even pointed to his own chest for emphasis.
Marshall snorted slightly. “That’s funny, I only see a little hippie virgin. Someone who got so hurt the fact that his first time blows that now he just wants to stop trying. You’re quitter, Swarley. A skinny-ass quitter.”
“Take that back,” Barney said, leaping to his feet, hands curling up into fists, “That’s fighting words.”
“You know,” Ted said as Marshall slid out of the booth, looming, a virtual Bigfoot, “Technically, you can’t take something back once it’s been said. It’s impossible really since in communication ter-“
“Oh, puh-leaze be quiet.” Barney rolled his eyes. “Theodore, dear, the men folk are tryin’… fixin’ ta’ have a conversation all civilizated…”
“Civilizated isn’t a word.”
“It is now,” Barney said and before Lily could blink, he had nimbly leapt up, wrapped his legs around Marshall’s waist and was getting his confidence back the only way he knew how… shoving his tongue down someone else’s throat.
Marshall made a slight surprised tone, his arms flailing about before he decided that behind Barney’s head was a good spot to rest them. If he was trying to pry Barney’s lips off his own, that was a piss poor way of getting him off. Getting him off. Heh, she cracked herself up. “Pinch me,” Lily said dreamily and then added, “Ow.” when Robin did just that. “What the hell, Scherbatsky?”
“You literally said, Pinch you,” Robin said in that not-too-innocent tone. “Pinch.”
“Do they not have something called a figure of speech in Canada?” Ted asked, drumming his spoon against his empty yogurt cup.
“Were you waiting all evening to say that?”
Ted nodded, grinning foolishly.
Lily’s head pivoted so she could see Barney kissing Marshall again, but there was nothing there. No, no, damnit, mama needed her man on man action. Mama was good, mama deserved it. Lily tore out of the botth, nearly running into Wendy the Waitress, Carl, and some huge dude in a toupee before she sprinted up the stairs, sprinted up some more, until she was in front of their front door, fumbling with her keys. Barney was moaning and there was some definite slurping sounds echoing. Lily’s free hand slid against the crotch of her pants, pressing, questing, teasing. Damnit, these sounds were going to have her jilling off in the hallway and miss it all.
She reluctantly pulled her hand away and unlocked the door. Well, this was odd. They were still dressed, except Marshall was sucking Barney’s toes like… well, toe flavored, toe shaped, toe lollipops… wow, that sounded lame. Barney loved it if the erection peeking out of his workout pants was anything to go by. “Lily,” the bastard said, teasingly, wiggling that long pink tongue of his. “My foot demands a high five.” The yips were leaving him along with any trace of hippie doubt.
“Barney,” Marshall said in a casual voice reserved for only one thing and one thing only as the back of his hand traced one of Barney’s cheekbones. “Barney… Lily’s pussy demands a kiss.”
“Ahhh…squeak-a-wers,” Barney said or however you could spell those odd little noises he babbled when threatened with a slap. If anything, it made him more horny. Marshall’s hand dropping down to rub was probably a contributing factor. “Mrs. Aldrin, I can’t do it as well if you wear clothes.” Barney’s fingers were already peeling down her pants. “So it true,” he husked against the bare wet folds of her cunt. “You naughty girl, what if you’re in an accident?” His lips touched briefly above her clit. “Maybe you were… you’re all moist.” He swiped his tongue across her crotch for proof. “You’ve got such a moist pussy.”
“You son of a bitch,” Lily said and pushed his face down before he could add anymore or see the blush.
Barney to his credit, shut up before he tongued and mouthed folds of labia, never touching the bud of her clitoris. She heard a grunt from Marshall and realized Barney was rubbing one of his bare feet against Marshall’s crotch. “You like my cock, don’t you?” Marshall asked.
“Did Lily ever tell you blow at dirty talk?” Barney asked, raising his head in amusement. Her juices gleamed on his lips. “Because, you shouldn’t stop being a lawyer.”
“No,” Marshall said almost hiding his grin. “But she tells me I’m great at blowing.”
“What the hell are you-“
Marshall gave Barney’s cockhead a devilish lick. The older man’s hips bucked and wobbled. “Pretty,” Lily said and hauled down Barney’s sweatpants before he could do it himself.
Sure Marshall’s calves were amazing, but Barney’s slender ankles were just too hot. Plus the combination of his plush ass and the blue hoodie was a turn on. “Tricycle,” she said and ran her finger down the crack of his butt.
“Where did you learn that?” Barney asked Marshall, eyes wide and open like back when he thought Marshall knew how to live.
Marshall shared a look with Lily. “You can tell him,” she said, “It turns me on, so much.”
“College… Ted. Cause he’s my best friend.”
“Imhisbestfriend,” Barney snapped.
“Mmmm… baby, you know what turns me on,” Lily husked.
Barney slid a few fingers inside of her, wiggling briefly before he pulled them out and licked them clean. “Yeah it does,” he said.
“What turns you on, Barnaby?” she asked and pressed a single finger against the tightly closed pucker she found. He leaned into her touch, smiling and humming happily. “I thought so,” Lily said and stripped off her shirt. Her nipples popped up eagerly in the cool air of the apartment and Barney closed one in the damp space of his mouth, nibbling encouragingly. “What do you think, Marshmallow?”
“We’re going to cure you of the yips,” Marshall said and was already padding to their bedroom in search of the lube for whenever they felt adventurous. Which depending on the time and place, could actually be quite often.
Barney was giving her a rather particular look. “Really?” he asked. “Really-really?”
She bopped him on the nose.
“Okay,” Marshall said, hands full of items. “I’ve the lube, the condoms, and the cock ring.”
“Cock ring?” Barney said, straightening up, eagerly. “Gimme!” He grabbed it before Marshall had a chance to “Gimme” and slid it over his erection, pushing it against his groin before looking down to admire it. “Marshall, you shouldn’t have.”
“Oooh,” Lily said, her fingers twanging his erection merrily.
“And handcuffs,” Marshall concluded.
Barney blinked. “Wait, what?” But Marshall moved fast and pulled his arms behind his back and had them securely locked in place. There was the sound of two more clinks. Marshall had used the cuffs that had ankle cuffs as well, leaving Barney slightly arched backwards, thighs splayed, erection brushing against his hoodie. “Marshall!”
Lily’s hands deftly unzipped the hoodie. “Not used to not being in control?” Her fingers tweaked a nipple causing him to gurgle in surprise, amusement, and a fair bit of arousal.
“Pfft,” Barney said, “Used to not being in control. Never been in a devil’s threeway before. You know… two dudes.” His tongue licked his lips and he accepted the ball gag Marshall pressed into his mouth with a kiss, biting into it to hold it in place while it was strapped on. His penis vibrated in anticipation. “Mmmph.”
“Sweet slut,” Marshall breathed against the nape of Barney’s neck. The blond wiggled his fingers teasingly. “You think you deserve to ride the python I keep in my pants?” Barney grinned around the ball gag. Even cuffed, he had unzipped Marshall’s pants and deftly eased out his massive cock and sack, rubbing it with the flat of his palm.
“I think he likes you,” Lily teased in more ways than one, letting her folds brush the shaft of Barney’s erection. She could hear him hiss even through the gag. “I think he likes me too,” she cooed down at his prick.
Barney made a hmmm sound that turned into something that sounded like “Cold, cold!”
Marshall held up a few gooey fingers. “Oh stop, whining, it will warm up.” Lily looked over Barney’s shoulder to see Marshall’s fingers working in and out. “See? That’s a good man. Condom, Lily.” He had opened a foil packet and was working the brightly colored latex over himself.
“Clothes, Marshmallow,” she said.
“Right.” And they fluttered to the ground in a stack.
Lily’s fingers slipped the cockring off and the condom on. Barney’s eyes rolled back as she bucked back and then forth, sheathing his cock in her. He was no Marshall, but God, he felt good. The ball gag hit her in the shoulder. Barney’s fingers scrambled for purchase. Marshall pulled out and squirted another splash of lubricant on himself before pushing back in. Barney mouthed a thank you around the gag.
It somehow moved into naturalness. Hotter than she could have ever imagined. Pushing and thrusting. Needing and want. Give and take. Kissing Barney’s high forehead and licking sweat off it. Somehow during the act, Lily undid the gag and let him kiss Marshall again, before she kissed him as well. His eyes glimmered with tears at the corners, but he was smiling, the kind that crinkled his eyes at the corners. “Thank you,” she heard him gasp out, before he thrust, thrust, thrust, his breath easing into shallow little gulps. And that was enough to bring her over the edge.
He may not have been the best lover, but he was adorable about it.
Was he snoring? The little hedonistic prick. He had fallen asleep against her chest, nuzzling away, mouth hanging open. Barney could pull off strangely cute and perverted at the same time, no problem.
“Think we should leave him cuffed?”
“Honestly,” she huffed and tossed the couch pillow at Marshall. “He’ll be cramped in the morning.”
Barney snorted in his sleep and did some little motion that caused the cuffs to fall off before curling up. “He’s cute,” Marshall said, brushing a section of sweat damp blond hair.
“He’d be cuter if you’d pull out.”
“Ahh, I should, shouldn’t I?”
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Barney’s Blog:
Mood: Awesome
Location: My Pants
The Barnacle is back, amigos. Check the photo and video section for my legendary encounter with a hot hottie and her missed calling as a porn star… give it up for Marsha and Billy. Oh yes, the sex was great. I am full of vigor and spunk. And a new bro code law. Seriously, dudes… eye contact with another bro during a devil’s threeway… can we say awkward?
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“And so Barney’s got his groove back because you had sex with him?” Ted asked the next day over his beer. “On our couch which you promised not to have sex on.”
“Hrumph,” Marshall said, pointedly, “I’ll have you know that we promised not to have crazy gorilla sex on the couch… we had crazy threesome sex… lawyered.”
“So, he’s all over this hippie thing?”
“Yes,” an inhale and an exhale, “Which is a good thing… because I don’t think I could deal with a second round of douche.”
“I was never a douche,” Ted muttered sourly. He peered over at the bar. “Barney’s taking an awful long time to be getting drinks. You think he found a girl?”
Marshall peered over as well. “Looks like he found some old cougar. Aw, Barney… no tangling with cougars.”
“It’s Rhonda,” Ted said, “Maybe he’ll tell her he doesn’t need her to prove he’s a man.” He closed his eyes and nodded sagely.
“With his tongue?”
Ted whipped his head over to see Barney pawing at Rhonda’s breasts, her hands plastered to his slack-clad butt. It was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen in his whole life so far. “I think I threw up a little in a my mouth.”
Barney shot them a quick thumbs up. Daddy was back.
The End