not mine {1/2 - bap oneshot}
title: not mine {1/2}
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): banghim, himlo
summary: he hates being young
a/n: i've officially lost all morals that i've ever had previously i've finally gone into the darkness i just /off with my head/
{PART ONE} { PART TWO}
Later on he’ll wonder how he couldn’t have noticed it before because afterwards it’ll be impossible for him not to see it. But for now, here in Singapore on the night before their press conference, Junhong swallows and slams the door shut on his hyungs’ faces-shocked into complete blankness. He walks back silently and quickly to their manager’s room and returns the card key that he never should’ve borrowed-he should’ve just knocked because that was probably what Yongguk and Himchan were expecting.
They clearly weren’t expecting for Junhong to walk in by an otherwise locked door-Yongguk clearly wasn’t expecting to be caught shirtless between Himchan’s bare thighs, and Himchan clearly wasn’t expecting for Junhong to run off like that from the way he’d called after Junhong seconds before Junhong closed the door.
He spends the rest of the night lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and dodging Jongup’s concerns at Junhong growing so quiet so suddenly after going to try and borrow an undershirt from the hyungs’ room and coming back empty-handed. Junhong spends most of the night sleepless, sorting out things that he wish he didn’t have to sort out and wondering if the others know-wondering if the managers know-wondering if any of them even should know if they don’t already.
(He dreams memories-some about Yongguk, some about Yongguk and Himchan, but most of them are just of Himchan. Pre-debut memories, because although Yongguk was supportive, took care of Junhong like a hyung should, Himchan was special-snuck Junhong’s favorite kimbap after practice even when they were on diets, flicked on the lights long after they were supposed to be asleep for early training, watched movies with Junhong underneath the sheets of one of their beds when they were really due for singing lessons, told Junhong that high school is nothing to be nervous about, teased Junhong about being too skinny, never laughed and always hugged Junhong when he cried about missing home.)
The next day, Hyosung hassles them all on camera for aegyo, gets Sunhwa and Hana to join in. Earlier that morning, Yongguk had faced Junhong with a solemn expression that Junhong returned with a hesitant smile (It’s okay, hyung-I’m okay) and eventually got a relieved smile back for his efforts. Earlier that morning, Himchan had met Junhong’s eyes with an expression that could only be interpreted as utterly devastated and excruciatingly unsure. When Himchan joins him on the couch, boisterous and for all Junhong can read body language, screaming of fear that Junhong will push him away, Junhong grips Himchan’s fingers and pushes him away teasingly only for the camera otherwise.
(“Himchan-hyung is mine,” he says, and keeps a humorously straight face for the camera, but his heart breathes again after catching, out of the corner of his eye, Himchan’s eyes vanish into a smile.)
As it turns out, Youngjae and Daehyun do know about Yongguk and Himchan. Jongup doesn’t, but he finds out months later when Youngjae tells him for no other reason than he thinks everyone should know by now just because.
“How’d you know?” Junhong asks Daehyun during a water break.
Daehyun shrugs. “Youngjae told me,” he says. “He caught them making out before debut.”
“What d’you think about it?”
“About what?” Daehyun flashes a short grin before he claps Junhong on the back and heads back into the practice room.
Junhong learns from Youngjae that Yongguk and Himchan have actually only been together since Singapore-that they were sorting their shit out all through their friendship pre-debut and during Warrior promotions. Junhong wants to give them an award for hiding everything too seamlessly beneath the surface. He looks back now on all the pseudo-flirting they did during their reality show and variety show recordings and wonders how much of that was genuine and how much of it was staged to make sure no one suspects anything.
“How’d you go from best friends,” Junhong says slowly, while he and Himchan lie side by side on Junhong’s bed in the darkness, propped up on the pillows and getting ready to watch a movie on Himchan’s iPad, “to-you know?”
“Getting caught about to fuck by our dongsaengs?” Himchan suggests, grinning over and earning a punch in the arm. He lets out a short laugh, rubbing at where Junhong hit him. “Mm-about a year of lots of shit, fistfights in the dorm, jacking off alone, jacking each other off, screaming at each other outside the company building, and more fistfights in the dorm.”
Junhong blinks. “Romantic.”
“Isn’t it?” Himchan grins again.
Himchan starts the movie, setting the iPad against his curled knees and sliding closer against Junhong so they both can see. The opening credits have just barely ended when Junhong says, over the music of the scene being set, “Why’d you try to hide it?”
The red plane whizzes through the sky on the screen, the bright glow of the monitor illuminating Himchan’s face. “It’s scary, Junhong-ah,” he replies quietly, without taking his eyes from the movie.
Junhong frowns. “What is?”
“People who love you might start to hate you,” Himchan shrugs, and then looks over to meet Junhong’s gaze with a tiny smile. “Scared shitless you did, after you just up and ran away that time.”
“I was supposed to stick around for an explanation?” Junhong laughs incredulously. “Hyung, you guys were about to fuck.”
Himchan gives an incredulous laugh back. “Not after that, we couldn’t-because of you, we fucking sat there all night without sleeping, wondering if you’d tell and we’d get kicked out or if you’d just hate us whenever we weren’t on camera, or if you’d just up and try to leave yourself.”
Junhong shakes his head with a smile as the main character storms into his office. “C’mon, hyung,” he says, wrinkling his nose, and bumping his shoulder into Himchan’s, “you know me.”
The iPad falls a little as Himchan half-tackles Junhong with one arm, hand ruffling through Junhong’s hair-damp from his recent shower. “Be any fucking cuter and I have to eat you,” Himchan says, gravity in his expression and a mock threat in his voice. Junhong shoves him back away and takes the iPad into his own hands.
“Creeper,” Junhong shoots as Himchan laughs and leans his head against Junhong’s shoulder to watch the movie.
Junhong, in rare interviews, gets asked to define his relationship with all of his hyungs in less than five words and finds that it’s simple enough up until he gets to Himchan. He always has to save Himchan for last, or at least likes it better when they’re written interviews where he gets more time to think. On camera, sometimes Himchan amps it up-purposefully wrings his hands around Junhong’s neck, fists Junhong’s collar, slaps Junhong, touches Junhong in less than appropriate places, threatens Junhong, pulls stunts to get one of the other members defending Junhong humorously and putting Himchan down as a bad hyung.
Off camera, Himchan still wrings his hands around Junhong’s neck, fists Junhong’s collar, slaps Junhong, touches Junhong in less than appropriate places (more so than when on camera), and threatens Junhong-but off camera, there aren’t any members to defend Junhong because off camera, the others just laugh and walk by a sight they see every day and all too often at that. When they aren’t in the view of their fans, more than when they are, Junhong doesn’t push Himchan away, doesn’t tease Himchan as much-when they’re just being them, when Junhong isn’t Zelo, instead of calling Himchan brainless, Junhong asks Himchan for help on homework-instead of making fun of Himchan’s dancing, Junhong stays after to make sure Himchan has the steps down (and maybe because Himchan always takes him out for smoothies)-instead of confessing to how Himchan bosses him around for chores at the dorm, Junhong only has to hold the mop for a minute before Himchan is at his side, offering to help.
Whether on or off camera, Himchan doesn’t act much differently because whether on or off, Himchan is still Himchan. Junhong, though, needs to be Zelo when the red light flashes.
(and when the director bids them a good day after a good job, he’s Junhong again and his arms are wrapped around Himchan’s waist, mouth split open wide trying to swallow Himchan’s head whole)
With Power and No Mercy, Yongguk and Himchan are inseparable. They’re faultless and cemented together, and no amount of teasing from Youngjae and Daehyun can faze them. They hardly need to be even near each other for Junhong to look at them and wonder how there could’ve ever been a time when he hadn’t thought they were together and perfect for each other because of it. Their eyes meet for just seconds across the waiting room or the room for an interview-on stage or backstage-and if Junhong catches that connection, he thinks he gets goose bumps just being in such proximity with that frightening level of contactless intimacy.
There’s a short break that they have between No Mercy and Crash, a period of time when they’re flying all over for the first time doing concerts, surrounded by fans screaming their names with different accents-cheers of love in different tongues-and Junhong supposes that it’s that period of time when things shake.
They split off the way they always do-by age, so Daehyun and Youngjae can be together (and-oh-Junhong figured that out a month ago, all by himself without walking in on anyone and yes he’s rather proud), so Yongguk and Himchan can be together, so Jongup and Junhong can stay up late and cringe together imagining what their hyungs are doing in the next rooms over.
Their first night in Malaysia, Jongup is already conked out on his bed, and Junhong is at the doorway about to flick off the lights when there’s a knock and he pops his head by the peephole for a glance.
Himchan.
“Hyung,” Junhong says, confused, as he opens the door and Himchan is standing there, jaw tight and eyes wild.
“Did I wake you?” Himchan asks, and his voice is hoarse.
“No.”
Himchan swallows. “Were you going to sleep?”
He was, but for some reason, Junhong repeats, “No.” He makes a grab for one of the card keys on the dresser beside the door and then shuts it behind him.
They’re alone now, the two of them, in the hallway-and Junhong knows their managers are already asleep by now. Himchan’s hands are stuffed deep into his pockets, and his eyes are meeting Junhong’s but Himchan has always been the kind of person more than capable of looking directly into your soul and still avoid every ounce of scrutiny all the while. “Hyung, what’s wrong?”
“Can’t sleep,” Himchan says shortly.
Junhong licks his lips.
“Fought with Yongguk,” and his voice is infinitely smaller (and now he looks away).
Junhong frowns because Himchan and Yongguk don’t fight. “What?”
Himchan takes a shuddering breath that, when he lets out, has Junhong suddenly afraid that Himchan would shatter into dust. “D’you want to walk?”
Junhong sucks in his cheek. “Okay, hyung.”
The fight is about nothing and everything, Himchan tells Junhong as they wander aimlessly around the hotel lobby (two Koreans in pajamas and socks, hair wet and ready for bed and the staff cast them amused looks but Junhong hardly notices). Yongguk is tired and Himchan is tired and all of them have been run ragged by the successive schedules but it’s felt more, Himchan says, when it’s two people who’ve been together for what suddenly feels like a little too long and they know each other a little too well know and buttons are being pushed and no apologies are being made.
It starts with an offhand comment Yongguk makes about Himchan messing up on a move during their goodbye stage to a waspish reply Himchan gives because he was too exhausted for a moment to remember that Yongguk’s just being a leader-it moves to Yongguk snapping back about how Himchan needs to consider that Yongguk is exhausted too-and then Himchan is yelling at how the exhaustion is split into six and Yongguk doesn’t need to elevate himself because Himchan knows Yongguk is exhausted too-by the end of it, they’re both screaming at each other and Himchan couldn’t take it anymore and left.
“What’re you going to do?” Junhong asks. They’re sitting down on the armchairs beside the largest window-floor to ceiling and framed with leafy plants.
“Be the coolest bastard on the block and apologize first,” Himchan says, with a tiny grin that somehow twists something in Junhong’s chest more than any amount of tears ever could’ve.
“Tonight?”
“If he’s not asleep yet, then yeah.”
Junhong nods once, turning his head to look through the window at the cars coming in by the hotel, dropping off those who were returning from late dinners out on the city. Himchan seems to follow Junhong’s line of sight and they’re silent for a moment, watching the stream of people come in, chatting and laughing, a light scent of alcohol carrying in after them as they head towards the elevators.
“Why’d you look for me, hyung?” Junhong finds himself wondering out loud, glancing at Himchan. “I mean-when you ran out.”
Himchan tilts his head, regarding Junhong silently for a moment that goes on too long-that has Junhong counting his own heartbeats as they thud by loudly in his ears one by one. A slow smile tugs at Himchan’s lips. “Junhongie is mine,” Himchan says, in that easy way of his that never fails to have Junhong laughing on the outside and a complete, taken wreck on the inside (and he’s left to sort out the storm whirling confusedly in his chest while Himchan looks away with that small smile, blameless because Junhong is alone in whatever this is).
And all Junhong wants to do after that is spend the rest of the night just like this-here in these seats, in a country that they don’t call home, looking out at a foreign city illuminated by its own lights, with someone who he’s terrified to think of as anything else than a hyung (because he’s terrified that he’ll never be thought of as anything more than a dongsaeng). But what he wants doesn’t matter because Junhong’s eyes catch Yongguk running out from the direction of the elevators, skidding into view, breathing hard and expression frantic.
“Hyung,” Junhong says, standing up and he looks at Himchan, gestures for Himchan to turn around. “Yongguk-hyung’s here.”
Himchan’s eyes stretch nearly imperceptibly at Junhong before he gets to his feet and whirls around, and Junhong watches as Yongguk sprints forward in the time it takes Himchan to step around the armchair. Yongguk catches Himchan in a breathless hug, eyes meeting Junhong’s and lips mouthing a silent thanks, and then his face buries itself in Himchan’s shoulder. Junhong just smiles slightly back at his leader as he walks around their embrace, hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, and heads back upstairs.
One fight becomes two and two becomes three and three becomes four and by the time Crash promotions are well under way, it feels like every other night, Yongguk and Himchan’s voices are raised out in the hallway, in the middle of practice, during a water break, late at night in the dorms, early morning before schedules, sometimes even hissed at each other in the waiting room when they’re getting ready for a performance. There’s nothing immature about the way they snipe at each other-there’s nothing vicious or vengeful or petty about it. Every time Junhong sees them fighting, there’s pain in both faces and it’s genuine and wrenching.
Youngjae wonders out loud one day while he and Junhong are alone in the dorm bathroom, removing their own makeup because the schedules went so late that their stylists had to head home. The vocalist wonders if maybe Yongguk and Himchan’s problem is the reverse for every other couple their age. Junhong looks at the older boy’s face in the mirror. “How?”
“Everyone else who’s their age just got out of university, right?” Youngjae says, dabbing a cotton pad in more remover. “Some of them maybe go to grad school right away, but most of them are starting jobs and stuff-so they probably don’t get to see their boyfriends or girlfriends a lot because they’re busy. But Yongguk-hyung and Himchan-hyung see each other all the time. They never not see each other.”
Junhong removes the rest of his makeup in silence, not really listening to the rest of Youngjae’s explanations or Youngjae reporting on what he heard from their manager about next week’s schedules. He hates admitting that he’s young-that being how young he is changes something-but Junhong admits to himself that he doesn’t understand how seeing the person you love all the time would ever be a problem.
It’s only a week later, at nearly the exact time of night after they’ve returned from schedules that went on longer than they should’ve, that Junhong comes into his bedroom to find Jongup already softly snoring. Junhong climbs into bed only to come into contact with something familiar and extremely human. He nearly yells in surprise, only managing to stop himself by glancing over at the blanketed lump across the room of slumbering dancer.
Junhong draws the blanket on his own bed back and Himchan is there, lying on his side, facing Junhong, shirtless with eyes that are a little too moist-a little too red even in the semi-darkness with only the street lights filtering in through the blinds. Himchan’s hair is everywhere over his face, color high in his cheeks, and he’s not crying (Himchan never cries), but there’s something horribly wrong and Junhong can’t come up with words.
“We fought,” Himchan whispers as Junhong collapses onto the floor, sitting with his legs folded in front of him. He slides closer to the edge of the bed, until he has one arm resting on the mattress and his face is inches away from Himchan’s. “Then we fucked.”
Junhong hates this-he hates not understanding.
(he hates being young)
“But,” he clears his throat hesitantly, and hates himself because he feels stupid and he sounds stupid and naïve and he wishes he was intuitive like Youngjae or just older like Daehyun so he could understand on his own without having to ask, without having to sound his age, “what-”
Himchan smiles terribly. “We think it’s better if we’re just friends,” a shuddering breath, “like we were before.”
(and for a horrible moment, a horrible split second, a surge of hate wells up in Junhong for Yongguk and he doesn’t understand why because people fight all the time-relationships end all the time-Junhong is more than old enough to understand that much-and both parties are at fault, no one is innocent-but Junhong suddenly, in that one second, hates Yongguk with all his being and doesn’t know why)
Junhong would never hurt Himchan
And that thought Junhong kills instantly because it’s even more confusing than the sudden hatred, and Junhong doesn’t want to think like that because it’s hopeless and it doesn’t make sense and if Yongguk could mess up like this then Junhong would bring the entire thing down in flames (and Himchan would hate him and Himchan would hate him and Himchan would hate him and Junhong couldn’t ever have Himchan hate him and Himchan can never hate him)
“Hyung,” Junhong says quietly, “scoot over.”
Himchan rolls over slightly and Junhong slides in beside him, pulling the covers over both of them and wrapping his arms around Himchan’s body. The bare torso is overly warm beneath Junhong’s hands and arms and he wonders when Himchan got so thin-when Himchan started feeling small beside Junhong.
“You’re getting too big,” Himchan’s whispered voice comes muffled against Junhong’s chest as if he’s peeking at Junhong’s thoughts.
“You’re short, hyung,” Junhong says back with a tiny smile even though Himchan still has a good few inches over half of their team.
And Junhong wishes he could explain the wave of relief that flows through him when he feels a returning smile curl on Himchan’s face. A hand tousles Junhong’s hair before settling warmly against his neck as Himchan slides in closer, eyes closing. “Don’t grow up too fast, Junhong-ah,” Himchan murmurs sleepily.
Junhong closes his own eyes.
(and wants with everything that he is to tell Himchan that Junhong has to grow up as fast as he can-has to become an adult at the speed of light because how else will Junhong ever have a chance at the impossible otherwise?)
author: himawarixxsandz
rating: pg-13
pairing(s): banghim, himlo
summary: he hates being young
a/n: i've officially lost all morals that i've ever had previously i've finally gone into the darkness i just /off with my head/
{PART ONE} { PART TWO}
Later on he’ll wonder how he couldn’t have noticed it before because afterwards it’ll be impossible for him not to see it. But for now, here in Singapore on the night before their press conference, Junhong swallows and slams the door shut on his hyungs’ faces-shocked into complete blankness. He walks back silently and quickly to their manager’s room and returns the card key that he never should’ve borrowed-he should’ve just knocked because that was probably what Yongguk and Himchan were expecting.
They clearly weren’t expecting for Junhong to walk in by an otherwise locked door-Yongguk clearly wasn’t expecting to be caught shirtless between Himchan’s bare thighs, and Himchan clearly wasn’t expecting for Junhong to run off like that from the way he’d called after Junhong seconds before Junhong closed the door.
He spends the rest of the night lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and dodging Jongup’s concerns at Junhong growing so quiet so suddenly after going to try and borrow an undershirt from the hyungs’ room and coming back empty-handed. Junhong spends most of the night sleepless, sorting out things that he wish he didn’t have to sort out and wondering if the others know-wondering if the managers know-wondering if any of them even should know if they don’t already.
(He dreams memories-some about Yongguk, some about Yongguk and Himchan, but most of them are just of Himchan. Pre-debut memories, because although Yongguk was supportive, took care of Junhong like a hyung should, Himchan was special-snuck Junhong’s favorite kimbap after practice even when they were on diets, flicked on the lights long after they were supposed to be asleep for early training, watched movies with Junhong underneath the sheets of one of their beds when they were really due for singing lessons, told Junhong that high school is nothing to be nervous about, teased Junhong about being too skinny, never laughed and always hugged Junhong when he cried about missing home.)
The next day, Hyosung hassles them all on camera for aegyo, gets Sunhwa and Hana to join in. Earlier that morning, Yongguk had faced Junhong with a solemn expression that Junhong returned with a hesitant smile (It’s okay, hyung-I’m okay) and eventually got a relieved smile back for his efforts. Earlier that morning, Himchan had met Junhong’s eyes with an expression that could only be interpreted as utterly devastated and excruciatingly unsure. When Himchan joins him on the couch, boisterous and for all Junhong can read body language, screaming of fear that Junhong will push him away, Junhong grips Himchan’s fingers and pushes him away teasingly only for the camera otherwise.
(“Himchan-hyung is mine,” he says, and keeps a humorously straight face for the camera, but his heart breathes again after catching, out of the corner of his eye, Himchan’s eyes vanish into a smile.)
As it turns out, Youngjae and Daehyun do know about Yongguk and Himchan. Jongup doesn’t, but he finds out months later when Youngjae tells him for no other reason than he thinks everyone should know by now just because.
“How’d you know?” Junhong asks Daehyun during a water break.
Daehyun shrugs. “Youngjae told me,” he says. “He caught them making out before debut.”
“What d’you think about it?”
“About what?” Daehyun flashes a short grin before he claps Junhong on the back and heads back into the practice room.
Junhong learns from Youngjae that Yongguk and Himchan have actually only been together since Singapore-that they were sorting their shit out all through their friendship pre-debut and during Warrior promotions. Junhong wants to give them an award for hiding everything too seamlessly beneath the surface. He looks back now on all the pseudo-flirting they did during their reality show and variety show recordings and wonders how much of that was genuine and how much of it was staged to make sure no one suspects anything.
“How’d you go from best friends,” Junhong says slowly, while he and Himchan lie side by side on Junhong’s bed in the darkness, propped up on the pillows and getting ready to watch a movie on Himchan’s iPad, “to-you know?”
“Getting caught about to fuck by our dongsaengs?” Himchan suggests, grinning over and earning a punch in the arm. He lets out a short laugh, rubbing at where Junhong hit him. “Mm-about a year of lots of shit, fistfights in the dorm, jacking off alone, jacking each other off, screaming at each other outside the company building, and more fistfights in the dorm.”
Junhong blinks. “Romantic.”
“Isn’t it?” Himchan grins again.
Himchan starts the movie, setting the iPad against his curled knees and sliding closer against Junhong so they both can see. The opening credits have just barely ended when Junhong says, over the music of the scene being set, “Why’d you try to hide it?”
The red plane whizzes through the sky on the screen, the bright glow of the monitor illuminating Himchan’s face. “It’s scary, Junhong-ah,” he replies quietly, without taking his eyes from the movie.
Junhong frowns. “What is?”
“People who love you might start to hate you,” Himchan shrugs, and then looks over to meet Junhong’s gaze with a tiny smile. “Scared shitless you did, after you just up and ran away that time.”
“I was supposed to stick around for an explanation?” Junhong laughs incredulously. “Hyung, you guys were about to fuck.”
Himchan gives an incredulous laugh back. “Not after that, we couldn’t-because of you, we fucking sat there all night without sleeping, wondering if you’d tell and we’d get kicked out or if you’d just hate us whenever we weren’t on camera, or if you’d just up and try to leave yourself.”
Junhong shakes his head with a smile as the main character storms into his office. “C’mon, hyung,” he says, wrinkling his nose, and bumping his shoulder into Himchan’s, “you know me.”
The iPad falls a little as Himchan half-tackles Junhong with one arm, hand ruffling through Junhong’s hair-damp from his recent shower. “Be any fucking cuter and I have to eat you,” Himchan says, gravity in his expression and a mock threat in his voice. Junhong shoves him back away and takes the iPad into his own hands.
“Creeper,” Junhong shoots as Himchan laughs and leans his head against Junhong’s shoulder to watch the movie.
Junhong, in rare interviews, gets asked to define his relationship with all of his hyungs in less than five words and finds that it’s simple enough up until he gets to Himchan. He always has to save Himchan for last, or at least likes it better when they’re written interviews where he gets more time to think. On camera, sometimes Himchan amps it up-purposefully wrings his hands around Junhong’s neck, fists Junhong’s collar, slaps Junhong, touches Junhong in less than appropriate places, threatens Junhong, pulls stunts to get one of the other members defending Junhong humorously and putting Himchan down as a bad hyung.
Off camera, Himchan still wrings his hands around Junhong’s neck, fists Junhong’s collar, slaps Junhong, touches Junhong in less than appropriate places (more so than when on camera), and threatens Junhong-but off camera, there aren’t any members to defend Junhong because off camera, the others just laugh and walk by a sight they see every day and all too often at that. When they aren’t in the view of their fans, more than when they are, Junhong doesn’t push Himchan away, doesn’t tease Himchan as much-when they’re just being them, when Junhong isn’t Zelo, instead of calling Himchan brainless, Junhong asks Himchan for help on homework-instead of making fun of Himchan’s dancing, Junhong stays after to make sure Himchan has the steps down (and maybe because Himchan always takes him out for smoothies)-instead of confessing to how Himchan bosses him around for chores at the dorm, Junhong only has to hold the mop for a minute before Himchan is at his side, offering to help.
Whether on or off camera, Himchan doesn’t act much differently because whether on or off, Himchan is still Himchan. Junhong, though, needs to be Zelo when the red light flashes.
(and when the director bids them a good day after a good job, he’s Junhong again and his arms are wrapped around Himchan’s waist, mouth split open wide trying to swallow Himchan’s head whole)
With Power and No Mercy, Yongguk and Himchan are inseparable. They’re faultless and cemented together, and no amount of teasing from Youngjae and Daehyun can faze them. They hardly need to be even near each other for Junhong to look at them and wonder how there could’ve ever been a time when he hadn’t thought they were together and perfect for each other because of it. Their eyes meet for just seconds across the waiting room or the room for an interview-on stage or backstage-and if Junhong catches that connection, he thinks he gets goose bumps just being in such proximity with that frightening level of contactless intimacy.
There’s a short break that they have between No Mercy and Crash, a period of time when they’re flying all over for the first time doing concerts, surrounded by fans screaming their names with different accents-cheers of love in different tongues-and Junhong supposes that it’s that period of time when things shake.
They split off the way they always do-by age, so Daehyun and Youngjae can be together (and-oh-Junhong figured that out a month ago, all by himself without walking in on anyone and yes he’s rather proud), so Yongguk and Himchan can be together, so Jongup and Junhong can stay up late and cringe together imagining what their hyungs are doing in the next rooms over.
Their first night in Malaysia, Jongup is already conked out on his bed, and Junhong is at the doorway about to flick off the lights when there’s a knock and he pops his head by the peephole for a glance.
Himchan.
“Hyung,” Junhong says, confused, as he opens the door and Himchan is standing there, jaw tight and eyes wild.
“Did I wake you?” Himchan asks, and his voice is hoarse.
“No.”
Himchan swallows. “Were you going to sleep?”
He was, but for some reason, Junhong repeats, “No.” He makes a grab for one of the card keys on the dresser beside the door and then shuts it behind him.
They’re alone now, the two of them, in the hallway-and Junhong knows their managers are already asleep by now. Himchan’s hands are stuffed deep into his pockets, and his eyes are meeting Junhong’s but Himchan has always been the kind of person more than capable of looking directly into your soul and still avoid every ounce of scrutiny all the while. “Hyung, what’s wrong?”
“Can’t sleep,” Himchan says shortly.
Junhong licks his lips.
“Fought with Yongguk,” and his voice is infinitely smaller (and now he looks away).
Junhong frowns because Himchan and Yongguk don’t fight. “What?”
Himchan takes a shuddering breath that, when he lets out, has Junhong suddenly afraid that Himchan would shatter into dust. “D’you want to walk?”
Junhong sucks in his cheek. “Okay, hyung.”
The fight is about nothing and everything, Himchan tells Junhong as they wander aimlessly around the hotel lobby (two Koreans in pajamas and socks, hair wet and ready for bed and the staff cast them amused looks but Junhong hardly notices). Yongguk is tired and Himchan is tired and all of them have been run ragged by the successive schedules but it’s felt more, Himchan says, when it’s two people who’ve been together for what suddenly feels like a little too long and they know each other a little too well know and buttons are being pushed and no apologies are being made.
It starts with an offhand comment Yongguk makes about Himchan messing up on a move during their goodbye stage to a waspish reply Himchan gives because he was too exhausted for a moment to remember that Yongguk’s just being a leader-it moves to Yongguk snapping back about how Himchan needs to consider that Yongguk is exhausted too-and then Himchan is yelling at how the exhaustion is split into six and Yongguk doesn’t need to elevate himself because Himchan knows Yongguk is exhausted too-by the end of it, they’re both screaming at each other and Himchan couldn’t take it anymore and left.
“What’re you going to do?” Junhong asks. They’re sitting down on the armchairs beside the largest window-floor to ceiling and framed with leafy plants.
“Be the coolest bastard on the block and apologize first,” Himchan says, with a tiny grin that somehow twists something in Junhong’s chest more than any amount of tears ever could’ve.
“Tonight?”
“If he’s not asleep yet, then yeah.”
Junhong nods once, turning his head to look through the window at the cars coming in by the hotel, dropping off those who were returning from late dinners out on the city. Himchan seems to follow Junhong’s line of sight and they’re silent for a moment, watching the stream of people come in, chatting and laughing, a light scent of alcohol carrying in after them as they head towards the elevators.
“Why’d you look for me, hyung?” Junhong finds himself wondering out loud, glancing at Himchan. “I mean-when you ran out.”
Himchan tilts his head, regarding Junhong silently for a moment that goes on too long-that has Junhong counting his own heartbeats as they thud by loudly in his ears one by one. A slow smile tugs at Himchan’s lips. “Junhongie is mine,” Himchan says, in that easy way of his that never fails to have Junhong laughing on the outside and a complete, taken wreck on the inside (and he’s left to sort out the storm whirling confusedly in his chest while Himchan looks away with that small smile, blameless because Junhong is alone in whatever this is).
And all Junhong wants to do after that is spend the rest of the night just like this-here in these seats, in a country that they don’t call home, looking out at a foreign city illuminated by its own lights, with someone who he’s terrified to think of as anything else than a hyung (because he’s terrified that he’ll never be thought of as anything more than a dongsaeng). But what he wants doesn’t matter because Junhong’s eyes catch Yongguk running out from the direction of the elevators, skidding into view, breathing hard and expression frantic.
“Hyung,” Junhong says, standing up and he looks at Himchan, gestures for Himchan to turn around. “Yongguk-hyung’s here.”
Himchan’s eyes stretch nearly imperceptibly at Junhong before he gets to his feet and whirls around, and Junhong watches as Yongguk sprints forward in the time it takes Himchan to step around the armchair. Yongguk catches Himchan in a breathless hug, eyes meeting Junhong’s and lips mouthing a silent thanks, and then his face buries itself in Himchan’s shoulder. Junhong just smiles slightly back at his leader as he walks around their embrace, hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, and heads back upstairs.
One fight becomes two and two becomes three and three becomes four and by the time Crash promotions are well under way, it feels like every other night, Yongguk and Himchan’s voices are raised out in the hallway, in the middle of practice, during a water break, late at night in the dorms, early morning before schedules, sometimes even hissed at each other in the waiting room when they’re getting ready for a performance. There’s nothing immature about the way they snipe at each other-there’s nothing vicious or vengeful or petty about it. Every time Junhong sees them fighting, there’s pain in both faces and it’s genuine and wrenching.
Youngjae wonders out loud one day while he and Junhong are alone in the dorm bathroom, removing their own makeup because the schedules went so late that their stylists had to head home. The vocalist wonders if maybe Yongguk and Himchan’s problem is the reverse for every other couple their age. Junhong looks at the older boy’s face in the mirror. “How?”
“Everyone else who’s their age just got out of university, right?” Youngjae says, dabbing a cotton pad in more remover. “Some of them maybe go to grad school right away, but most of them are starting jobs and stuff-so they probably don’t get to see their boyfriends or girlfriends a lot because they’re busy. But Yongguk-hyung and Himchan-hyung see each other all the time. They never not see each other.”
Junhong removes the rest of his makeup in silence, not really listening to the rest of Youngjae’s explanations or Youngjae reporting on what he heard from their manager about next week’s schedules. He hates admitting that he’s young-that being how young he is changes something-but Junhong admits to himself that he doesn’t understand how seeing the person you love all the time would ever be a problem.
It’s only a week later, at nearly the exact time of night after they’ve returned from schedules that went on longer than they should’ve, that Junhong comes into his bedroom to find Jongup already softly snoring. Junhong climbs into bed only to come into contact with something familiar and extremely human. He nearly yells in surprise, only managing to stop himself by glancing over at the blanketed lump across the room of slumbering dancer.
Junhong draws the blanket on his own bed back and Himchan is there, lying on his side, facing Junhong, shirtless with eyes that are a little too moist-a little too red even in the semi-darkness with only the street lights filtering in through the blinds. Himchan’s hair is everywhere over his face, color high in his cheeks, and he’s not crying (Himchan never cries), but there’s something horribly wrong and Junhong can’t come up with words.
“We fought,” Himchan whispers as Junhong collapses onto the floor, sitting with his legs folded in front of him. He slides closer to the edge of the bed, until he has one arm resting on the mattress and his face is inches away from Himchan’s. “Then we fucked.”
Junhong hates this-he hates not understanding.
(he hates being young)
“But,” he clears his throat hesitantly, and hates himself because he feels stupid and he sounds stupid and naïve and he wishes he was intuitive like Youngjae or just older like Daehyun so he could understand on his own without having to ask, without having to sound his age, “what-”
Himchan smiles terribly. “We think it’s better if we’re just friends,” a shuddering breath, “like we were before.”
(and for a horrible moment, a horrible split second, a surge of hate wells up in Junhong for Yongguk and he doesn’t understand why because people fight all the time-relationships end all the time-Junhong is more than old enough to understand that much-and both parties are at fault, no one is innocent-but Junhong suddenly, in that one second, hates Yongguk with all his being and doesn’t know why)
Junhong would never hurt Himchan
And that thought Junhong kills instantly because it’s even more confusing than the sudden hatred, and Junhong doesn’t want to think like that because it’s hopeless and it doesn’t make sense and if Yongguk could mess up like this then Junhong would bring the entire thing down in flames (and Himchan would hate him and Himchan would hate him and Himchan would hate him and Junhong couldn’t ever have Himchan hate him and Himchan can never hate him)
“Hyung,” Junhong says quietly, “scoot over.”
Himchan rolls over slightly and Junhong slides in beside him, pulling the covers over both of them and wrapping his arms around Himchan’s body. The bare torso is overly warm beneath Junhong’s hands and arms and he wonders when Himchan got so thin-when Himchan started feeling small beside Junhong.
“You’re getting too big,” Himchan’s whispered voice comes muffled against Junhong’s chest as if he’s peeking at Junhong’s thoughts.
“You’re short, hyung,” Junhong says back with a tiny smile even though Himchan still has a good few inches over half of their team.
And Junhong wishes he could explain the wave of relief that flows through him when he feels a returning smile curl on Himchan’s face. A hand tousles Junhong’s hair before settling warmly against his neck as Himchan slides in closer, eyes closing. “Don’t grow up too fast, Junhong-ah,” Himchan murmurs sleepily.
Junhong closes his own eyes.
(and wants with everything that he is to tell Himchan that Junhong has to grow up as fast as he can-has to become an adult at the speed of light because how else will Junhong ever have a chance at the impossible otherwise?)