Private Writings [Turned log]
Writing in a journal was a habit he had picked up long ago, but one he had not kept up with anytime in the recent past. Paper was not something most soldiers could afford to buy all the time, and though he could access his own small fortune he preferred to live as any other soldier. Now, with no wars to be fought, he found himself mostly at loose ends. So he had gone out and purchased a modest journal. He didn’t need all the bells and whistles some of the upper class adored so much. The one he had picked out was simplicity defined with its simple brown binding.
Culgan ran his fingers over the pages while he pondered where to begin. One thing he had always counted on was being too busy to think. In the military there was always something to be done. Not so, here. Here his thoughts were straying down a track he had never been comfortable with.
Cool grey eyes focused on the bed he and Seed shared, then moved on to look at the white and red jacket folded neatly on the edge of the other. Even if his companion did find the journal, he had faith Seed would not read it. He dipped a quill into the waiting pot of ink, and hovered for a moment before beginning.
Ever since I arrived here, I have had little to occupy my mind with. Now I must face what began years ago.
It had been well after the incident where he’d accepted his sexuality. There was nothing wrong with women, he still found them attractive, but… something in his mind, in his body, did not like them. A fact which bemused him even now.
The day started out like any other, of course, though days with the red head were seldom uneventful. It was before even their promotions to officers. Seed had been minding his own business when one of the other soldiers, a man whose name Culgan no longer remembered, proceeded to call his friend a rather degrading name that was more or less a ruder version of ‘dirty peasant.’ Naturally, his friend took offense to it and knocked the offender into a nearby puddle of mud some rain had kindly left them. Not a moment later, Seed pounced on the arrogant soldier and began fighting with him.
Something about the situation had started certain gears turning in his mind, that were better left not turning in his opinion. Perhaps it was the red head’s willingness to stand up for himself, no matter the odds. Maybe it was the wrestling itself… or the mud. He wasn’t sure.
I suppose I must admit it to myself, at least. Though he feels only friendship, on my end it is more than that. When I told him what I did about Jillia it struck home. Why must I want the impossible? I suppose I know how some of the women he’s been with felt, now, though it pains me to compare my feelings to a woman.
He’d had brief relationships in the past, but nothing had ever come close to that particular sensation. Culgan had gone to great effort in order to keep both his sexuality and feelings from his partner. Not an easy feat when they were hardly ever apart.
Culgan ran his fingers over the pages while he pondered where to begin. One thing he had always counted on was being too busy to think. In the military there was always something to be done. Not so, here. Here his thoughts were straying down a track he had never been comfortable with.
Cool grey eyes focused on the bed he and Seed shared, then moved on to look at the white and red jacket folded neatly on the edge of the other. Even if his companion did find the journal, he had faith Seed would not read it. He dipped a quill into the waiting pot of ink, and hovered for a moment before beginning.
Ever since I arrived here, I have had little to occupy my mind with. Now I must face what began years ago.
It had been well after the incident where he’d accepted his sexuality. There was nothing wrong with women, he still found them attractive, but… something in his mind, in his body, did not like them. A fact which bemused him even now.
The day started out like any other, of course, though days with the red head were seldom uneventful. It was before even their promotions to officers. Seed had been minding his own business when one of the other soldiers, a man whose name Culgan no longer remembered, proceeded to call his friend a rather degrading name that was more or less a ruder version of ‘dirty peasant.’ Naturally, his friend took offense to it and knocked the offender into a nearby puddle of mud some rain had kindly left them. Not a moment later, Seed pounced on the arrogant soldier and began fighting with him.
Something about the situation had started certain gears turning in his mind, that were better left not turning in his opinion. Perhaps it was the red head’s willingness to stand up for himself, no matter the odds. Maybe it was the wrestling itself… or the mud. He wasn’t sure.
I suppose I must admit it to myself, at least. Though he feels only friendship, on my end it is more than that. When I told him what I did about Jillia it struck home. Why must I want the impossible? I suppose I know how some of the women he’s been with felt, now, though it pains me to compare my feelings to a woman.
He’d had brief relationships in the past, but nothing had ever come close to that particular sensation. Culgan had gone to great effort in order to keep both his sexuality and feelings from his partner. Not an easy feat when they were hardly ever apart.