(no subject)
This is the fangirling comm, right? Right.
So these are some the snippets from the Santa post I especially liked to date--er, the top 3/4ths of it, anyway. I admit I wimped out eventually (Sorry, later posters! You weren't less great, my fingers just wore out). I also tried to keep it clean enough not to need to f-lock, which lets out, for example, most of Lily's awesome coquettry.
Fenrir Greyback
F: Don’t see why you get to have all the fun…
S: Because I have the body for it and you want to eat the children.
F: But if you let me eat the children, I’d have the body for it, too.
F: Don't suppose you've time to bend me over the chair and firmly give me what I need right now?
F: *mops up drool and pockets the handkerchief*
S: Santa wishes he had an elf!artist to capture this special moment forever on parchment.
F: (after receiving his ‘needed’ gift) *gives Santa a look that clearly says, "This isn't what I need - this is what everybody else needs!"*
Sirius Black
Si: Would it help if I said [unsexily losing my wand] wasn’t my fault?
Sa: If I believed that every time someone said that, the coal industry would have failed before the industrial revolution.
Si; Now, you have insurance yes? Because I have been known to cause violent fits of fainting when I undress… I have been known to cause madness, or worse, when naked.
Si: It's good to hear he's not a prude, but it does worry me to hear that he can't hold his liquor. I shudder at the implication that I might be able to drink the Devil under the table.
Little TommyLord Voldemort
V: *pushes his way up to the front of the queue, knocking over several children*
*goes back and pushes over one he's missed and steals her candy, then returns to the front of the queue*
( I had the choice of stopping here or copying the whole thread verbatim.)
Bellatrix Black
B: I haven't removed anyone's entrails through their eye sockets. I think that demonstrates remarkable restraint.
S: Ahh, you're talking of the little Tommy who's not so little anymore. And is distinctly noseless. Are you certain he has [anything] under his robes?
B: …I'm sure he wouldn't need one. We always have plenty snakes about the place.
V: *from somewhere far away, the Dark Lord suffers a completely inexplicable attack of nausea*
Molly Weasley
M: *realizes that, in all the excitement, she forgot to put on a bra*
Oh, dear! Oh, well...only comes once a year, right?
*jumps up and down some more*
Er...do you think you could possibly fix this black eye I've just managed to give myself?
S: Now Molly. I told you last time I wasn't going to impregnate you any more. You know Arthur was getting suspicous when Ron was born with that sleigh birthmark on his little baby bottom.
James Potter
J: I'm sorry, I have to ask. Are you a registered sex offender? It's just my son will be along shortly - as will my wife, no doubt - and they'll both be terribly disappointed if you're not.
J: Because... I'm.... magic.
S: I'm sure their racks are bigger than yours, too. Just admit the fact you have snot and we can move on.
Lily Potter
L: I'm something of an animal-lover, you know.
Lucius Malfoy
S: Want. Need. They're surprisingly close in the minds of people such as yourself.
L: I won't ask you for something I can achieve for myself.
S: You want me to ensure that young Draco isn't at the wrong end of a killing curse or smothered by a rogue teddy bear?
Rabastan Lestrange
S: There are a lot of you who think that not being naughty means you were good and that's not exactly true. Sometimes naughty is good. But you must be able to think of one good thing that you actually did.
R: I...I was nice to my brother, and I reminded him to clean his room.
Parvati Patil
P: I’d like a boytoy, please.
S: I like you, Parvati. Certain you're not interested in a white-bearded sex machine with centuries of experience in pleasing gorgeous girls such as yourself?
Severus Snape
Se: (straddles Santa's lap without sitting and leans down)
Can you remedy war, renew integrity, unstain the soul, unshred self-esteem, ease rancor, banish terror, or restore the dead?
Sa: I can remedy abstinence, renew magazine subscriptions, unstain your cocktail dress, unshred forged checks, ease penetration, banish doxies, and restore your supply of billywig stings.
Se: Then please accept my felicitations on successfully completing your OWLS.
Sa: It is very nice. Elves don't have a gag-reflex, as you should know. And their ears are just perfect to hold onto.
Se: Why should I? I've never had one.
Se: You are Slughorn! I knew it! It all fits together--the laugh, the sweet tooth, the notions of personal space, the enormous list of contacts, the build, the bright robes, the jolly...
Sa: I most certainly am not. That imposter doesn't have a single 'ho' unless he's got some Slytherin student dangling from his candied pineapple rings.
Blaise Zabini
B: I’ve joined a super sekrit society that fights against evil. And I’ve flossed my teeth every night.
S: [The Order’s] Their clothing isn't nearly as impressive, nor do they have exciting karate moves. Oh well. I suppose a bird with bad case of heartburn will have to do.
Narcissa Malfoy
S: Perhaps you know [my elf]? Furry fellow. Fond of humping legs.
N: You have Pettigrew? How are you keeping the hat on him?
S: Staples.
N: *brightly* Is that my Christmas present?
Rodolphus Lestrange
S: Why are you measuring my head? I know what type of things you like to do in your spare time, boy.
R: I need to know how big a piece of wood I'll need to mount it. I was thinking mahogany or maybe cherry, but with your colouring...
S: You really shouldn't have been allowed to marry a Black.
Harry Potter
S: *waits patiently for Harry to have his whole internal therapy session and entertains himself by thinking about where else Harry might have interesting scars*
H: Can I have a hug from my mum? A real one?
S: You'd have to get a Temporary Stay of Expiration and file that with him in triplicate and get the other party to do the same then wait 6-8 months for Death to decide if it's a valid reason and determine the length and- Oi! Why don't you try looking this shit up?
H: Um. Remember what you said about my chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
H: You're like the big scary dysfunctional grandfather I never had.
H: He’s a bad kid, that Tommy. You should give him a lump of coal.
S: I probably should. Actually, I should drop him in a coal skip.
Regulus Black
S: You'll find my beard to be incredibly soft. It makes up for other parts of me that tend to be very hard.
R: *sternly* There's really no point in conditioning your beard if you don't do the same to your moustache.
So these are some the snippets from the Santa post I especially liked to date--er, the top 3/4ths of it, anyway. I admit I wimped out eventually (Sorry, later posters! You weren't less great, my fingers just wore out). I also tried to keep it clean enough not to need to f-lock, which lets out, for example, most of Lily's awesome coquettry.
Fenrir Greyback
F: Don’t see why you get to have all the fun…
S: Because I have the body for it and you want to eat the children.
F: But if you let me eat the children, I’d have the body for it, too.
F: Don't suppose you've time to bend me over the chair and firmly give me what I need right now?
F: *mops up drool and pockets the handkerchief*
S: Santa wishes he had an elf!artist to capture this special moment forever on parchment.
F: (after receiving his ‘needed’ gift) *gives Santa a look that clearly says, "This isn't what I need - this is what everybody else needs!"*
Sirius Black
Si: Would it help if I said [unsexily losing my wand] wasn’t my fault?
Sa: If I believed that every time someone said that, the coal industry would have failed before the industrial revolution.
Si; Now, you have insurance yes? Because I have been known to cause violent fits of fainting when I undress… I have been known to cause madness, or worse, when naked.
Si: It's good to hear he's not a prude, but it does worry me to hear that he can't hold his liquor. I shudder at the implication that I might be able to drink the Devil under the table.
Little TommyLord Voldemort
V: *pushes his way up to the front of the queue, knocking over several children*
*goes back and pushes over one he's missed and steals her candy, then returns to the front of the queue*
( I had the choice of stopping here or copying the whole thread verbatim.)
Bellatrix Black
B: I haven't removed anyone's entrails through their eye sockets. I think that demonstrates remarkable restraint.
S: Ahh, you're talking of the little Tommy who's not so little anymore. And is distinctly noseless. Are you certain he has [anything] under his robes?
B: …I'm sure he wouldn't need one. We always have plenty snakes about the place.
V: *from somewhere far away, the Dark Lord suffers a completely inexplicable attack of nausea*
Molly Weasley
M: *realizes that, in all the excitement, she forgot to put on a bra*
Oh, dear! Oh, well...only comes once a year, right?
*jumps up and down some more*
Er...do you think you could possibly fix this black eye I've just managed to give myself?
S: Now Molly. I told you last time I wasn't going to impregnate you any more. You know Arthur was getting suspicous when Ron was born with that sleigh birthmark on his little baby bottom.
James Potter
J: I'm sorry, I have to ask. Are you a registered sex offender? It's just my son will be along shortly - as will my wife, no doubt - and they'll both be terribly disappointed if you're not.
J: Because... I'm.... magic.
S: I'm sure their racks are bigger than yours, too. Just admit the fact you have snot and we can move on.
Lily Potter
L: I'm something of an animal-lover, you know.
Lucius Malfoy
S: Want. Need. They're surprisingly close in the minds of people such as yourself.
L: I won't ask you for something I can achieve for myself.
S: You want me to ensure that young Draco isn't at the wrong end of a killing curse or smothered by a rogue teddy bear?
Rabastan Lestrange
S: There are a lot of you who think that not being naughty means you were good and that's not exactly true. Sometimes naughty is good. But you must be able to think of one good thing that you actually did.
R: I...I was nice to my brother, and I reminded him to clean his room.
Parvati Patil
P: I’d like a boytoy, please.
S: I like you, Parvati. Certain you're not interested in a white-bearded sex machine with centuries of experience in pleasing gorgeous girls such as yourself?
Severus Snape
Se: (straddles Santa's lap without sitting and leans down)
Can you remedy war, renew integrity, unstain the soul, unshred self-esteem, ease rancor, banish terror, or restore the dead?
Sa: I can remedy abstinence, renew magazine subscriptions, unstain your cocktail dress, unshred forged checks, ease penetration, banish doxies, and restore your supply of billywig stings.
Se: Then please accept my felicitations on successfully completing your OWLS.
Sa: It is very nice. Elves don't have a gag-reflex, as you should know. And their ears are just perfect to hold onto.
Se: Why should I? I've never had one.
Se: You are Slughorn! I knew it! It all fits together--the laugh, the sweet tooth, the notions of personal space, the enormous list of contacts, the build, the bright robes, the jolly...
Sa: I most certainly am not. That imposter doesn't have a single 'ho' unless he's got some Slytherin student dangling from his candied pineapple rings.
Blaise Zabini
B: I’ve joined a super sekrit society that fights against evil. And I’ve flossed my teeth every night.
S: [The Order’s] Their clothing isn't nearly as impressive, nor do they have exciting karate moves. Oh well. I suppose a bird with bad case of heartburn will have to do.
Narcissa Malfoy
S: Perhaps you know [my elf]? Furry fellow. Fond of humping legs.
N: You have Pettigrew? How are you keeping the hat on him?
S: Staples.
N: *brightly* Is that my Christmas present?
Rodolphus Lestrange
S: Why are you measuring my head? I know what type of things you like to do in your spare time, boy.
R: I need to know how big a piece of wood I'll need to mount it. I was thinking mahogany or maybe cherry, but with your colouring...
S: You really shouldn't have been allowed to marry a Black.
Harry Potter
S: *waits patiently for Harry to have his whole internal therapy session and entertains himself by thinking about where else Harry might have interesting scars*
H: Can I have a hug from my mum? A real one?
S: You'd have to get a Temporary Stay of Expiration and file that with him in triplicate and get the other party to do the same then wait 6-8 months for Death to decide if it's a valid reason and determine the length and- Oi! Why don't you try looking this shit up?
H: Um. Remember what you said about my chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
H: You're like the big scary dysfunctional grandfather I never had.
H: He’s a bad kid, that Tommy. You should give him a lump of coal.
S: I probably should. Actually, I should drop him in a coal skip.
Regulus Black
S: You'll find my beard to be incredibly soft. It makes up for other parts of me that tend to be very hard.
R: *sternly* There's really no point in conditioning your beard if you don't do the same to your moustache.