The Guardian's Secret 5/?
Title: The Guardian's Secret 5/?
Author: Hezikiah
Disclaimer: Not mine, it's the BBC's.
Rating: PG
Characters: Ella (OC), Eighth Doctor, Healer Koray (OC)
Warnings: None.
Summary: Sequel to " Witnessing the Protector," five years on. When the metacrisis begins to unravel on its own, a desperate Ella finds the Doctor...and winds up giving up more than she bargained for to save her best friend's life.
Author's Note: Oh wow, this was a hard chapter to write. It went through several revisions, actually. I think I can safely say that this is the only chapter with some serious whump in it, but it's all for a good reason and serves a purpose in the overall big picture.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4
August 19, 2016
I hadn't slept much and was tired when I woke up this morning. There was a strange mood in the air on the ship. I wish I could describe it more, but it was like a feeling of tangible waiting. All I found in the wardrobe was a pair of jeans and a white tank top and nothing else. Even the TARDIS seemed to be waiting, but I don't even know if that's possible. The Tenth Doctor told me she's sentient and the wardrobe was always full of clothes that I liked, as if she knew my tastes. I almost felt like she was trying to tell me something when she gave me one choice of clothing. Does she speak in symbols? Maybe she was trying to tell me that she understood. I wasn't sure, but I touched the wallpaper just above the wainscoting. “Only one choice today? No kidding.” Feeling a touch ridiculous for talking to the ship, I patted the wall. “Thanks.”
The Doctor was very quiet when I found him in the kitchen after I'd gotten dressed. He was sitting at the table and he raised his head when I walked in. The sad look in his sleepy eyes almost broke my heart. I sat down across from him. “Are you ok?”
“I'm all right. I've been trying to figure out what would have kept my Tenth self away. What's going to change in the future that will prevent me from bringing Donna to Gallifrey? Will I be banished? The Time Lords have done that before, but it was never permanent. When I look at what I've done, will do, to Donna...” he shuddered. “It never should have happened! I don't understand, which is quite an odd feeling because frankly, I'm a genius.”
That last comment was so Ten that I almost giggled. “He didn't tell me much about Gallifrey, just that he was from here.” His sadness made me wish that I could tell him the truth.
He looked me right in the eyes. “There's nothing he told you? Any kind of hint?”
I bit my lip and directed my gaze at the top of the table. I couldn't look him in the eyes and lie. “No. I wasn't with him that long, maybe two weeks at the most, and I was not myself for a good portion of that.”
“I see.” He paused. “You mentioned meeting my Twelfth incarnation.”
“Oh, yes. That was just briefly. He popped in to say hello and check in on Donna. Ten does that, too, but it's been two years.”
A dark look crossed his face. “Three regenerations and all they do is 'check' on her? Not one of them decided to come back and bring her to Gallifrey?”
I spread my hands and shook my head. “I'm sorry, Doctor, I don't understand it, either.”
“I'm looking forward to finding out why my future regenerations are so neglectful,” he almost growled, but then the anger passed. He sighed and seemed to come out of his funk. “Dwelling on this problem isn't going to do any good. How are you feeling, Ella?”
I blew out a breath of air. “Overwhelmed, scared. I suppose I just want to it to be over with so that Donna can get better, which is the whole reason we came here in the first place.”
The Doctor stood. “Then let's go see Healer Koray, though...it's not too late to change your mind.” He looked at me sideways.
“Don't tempt me, but no. I haven't changed my mind.”
“Very well. Come on.” He held out his hand and I took it. As we walked through the TARDIS and out the door, my fingers tightened in his hand. He glanced at me and said, “It's all right to be afraid, Ella. No one thinks any less of you if you're scared. What they're asking you to do is a huge burden physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I know you're strong. I think can see why he asked you to watch out for Donna.”
I looked at him in surprise. “Really?”
He nodded, giving me a smile.
The doorway to the depths of the medical facility loomed ahead and I took a deep breath. “I don't like Healer Koray. Is that wrong?”
He shook his head. “Not at all. She has all the charm and personality of an unplugged toaster, doesn't she?”
I smirked. “That sounds about right.”
“She's a typical Time Lord. You'll encounter more like her. I can tell you that she is concerned about Donna, though. She wouldn't have kept pressing you to serve as a surrogate if she didn't want to save the baby and help Donna get better. She's also the best person to perform this procedure.”
“What do you mean?” I noticed that the Doctor had recognized her name when we first met her.
“She's the best in her field. For centuries, my people were not able to conceive children naturally. We called it the Pythia's Curse and used a process called Looming to reproduce. The curse was lifted only in the last few decades, but not without problems. Miscarriages amongst my people are common. Advanced surrogacy techniques were developed so that women who can successfully bear children can carry for those women who cannot. It's very commonplace now. Healer Koray was one of the Time Lords who pioneered that field. She's very old, Ella, older than me. Last I heard, she was retired, but perhaps overseeing a human surrogacy, which has never been done before on Gallifrey as far as I know, has given her a reason to come out of retirement.”
I shrugged. “We're able to do it on earth, but not past the petri dish. A six week embryo seems a little far-fetched.”
“Six or seven weeks is the limit, which is why you can see it's urgent that we move quickly if we're to avoid unnecessary...” he trailed off and I looked at him sideways. Unnecessary what?
I didn't find out because just then we arrived at Healer Koray's office and she was waiting for us. There was no pretense as we walked in. She got up from her desk and paced towards the door. “Follow me, please. Doctor, you may remain here.”
I looked at him and he squeezed my hand again. “Toaster,” he mouthed and I smiled, but then he added out loud, “That's fine. I'm going to meet with Healer Akakios and check on Donna.”
I walked over to Healer Koray, who turned and headed down the hall at a fast pace on her long legs. I had to jog after her to keep up. She didn't say a word, but led me to a large, airy room. Floor to ceiling windows covered one wall and offered a view of the Citadel's towers with snow-capped mountains in the distance. They glowed softly in the early morning sunshine. Dark grey curtains were pulled back to show the view. The walls were painted a soft yellow with white trim. There were two beds that reminded me of extra wide dentist's chairs. They could be raised into an upright position, but were currently laid out flat. A huge yellow privacy curtain separated them, but it was open. A bunch of equipment and monitors stood around each bed and I felt a sudden touch of fear at what I was about to do. I didn't really have time to think about it though, because Healer Koray handed me a bundle of white fabric and nodded towards a doorway. “You may change in there and then we'll proceed.”
I walked through the doorway and discovered a bathroom. When I unfolded the fabric and held up the garment, I discovered a textured white wraparound gown similar to the blue one that I'd woken up wearing in the TARDIS all those years ago. “Well, at least I don't have a concussion now,” I sighed as I donned the gown, which fell to just below my knees. I wrapped my arms tight around myself in trepidation and went back to the room.
Koray gestured towards one of the beds and I sat down, fiddling with the hem of the gown. I think she knew how frightened I was because she said, “There is nothing to be afraid of, Dr. Steinfield. The entire process will take place in two stages. The first stage will be to create a suitable environment within your womb to support the embryo using a combination of biochemicals and hormones that I've modified for the human body. The side effects of this stage can be somewhat unpleasant.” Koray pointed to a shallow basin sitting on the table next to the bed. “The first stage causes extreme nausea and you will perhaps have the urge to vomit.”
“Nothing like morning sickness,” I replied, not looking up.
She ignored my snarky comment.“In addition, you will experience emotional changes, perhaps feeling the need to shed tears for no reason. You will develop a headache and experience some cramping in your abdomen as your womb builds an endometrium. This is normal and due to changes in blood volume. However, all of these side effects will be short lived. The entire process will take approximately one to two hours and then the side effects will lessen.” She sounded like a cold android reciting its programming protocol. You are definitely an unplugged toaster, I thought.
“Right, ok. I'll be miserable for a few hours, then it's going to be a regular pregnancy?”
Koray nodded. “Yes. Donna Temple-Noble will join us when you've completed the first phase and we'll proceed with the second stage afterward, implanting the embryo.” Koray went on to explain in her monotone drone exactly how she'd transfer the embryo from Donna's body into my mine. Let's just say that it made a routine visit to the OB/GYN seem like a cakewalk in comparison and I blanched to the point where Healer Koray gave me a long, evaluative look when she was finished. I looked away and didn't say anything. She finally turned to pick up one of the transdermal syringes I remembered from the TARDIS. “This is the catalyst that will prepare your body for gestation. If you're ready, then you may lie down on your right side.”
I did so, holding back the urge to jump off the bed and run screaming out the door after knowing exactly what she was going to do to me. But, I squeezed my eyes shut, reminding myself that I was doing this for Donna. I couldn't think about myself. This wasn't about me, it was about her and my fear was irrelevant if it meant everybody lived in the end. I felt Koray shift the gown aside to expose my left hip. There was a sudden rush of coolness and I jerked in response as she injected the catalyst into my body. “It is done, Dr. Steinfield.” She folded the gown closed and I opened my eyes.
“Are you going to give me something for the pain?” I've always been a baby when it comes to cramps. I hate them and will pop an ibuprofen the minute those damn things start.
She shook her head. “I'm sorry, but I cannot. Your body has just been flooded with dozens of biochemicals and hormones, which will put a considerable strain on your cardiovascular, immune, and reproduction systems. While you are healthy and strong for a human, you do not have the benefit of a second heart, like us, and analgesics will raise your blood pressure higher than I am comfortable allowing. The pain will not be considerable.” She turned to go as she added, “I will return in a few hours, when you've completed the first stage.”
The door closed after her and I got up from the bed, still hugging my arms around my body. I paced the room, unable to sit still. I felt nervous, irritable, and frightened and I wondered if it was the hormones beginning to work or just my own trepidation.
The first indication of the change started only a few moments later. A dull pain began to grow behind my temples and I pressed my fingers into my head. I could feel a bad headache coming on, but I tried to ignore it as I stalked back and forth in front of the windows, staring out at the majestic alien towers. The light suddenly seemed too bright. I grabbed the grey curtains and tugged them shut, blocking out the sunlight. The room plunged into blessed dimness, though soft glowing light emanated from scallop-shaped sconces set into the walls.
This was just the beginning...I had no idea just how bad it was going to get.
I was crossing by one of the beds when the first cramp hit, a sharp pain that radiated from my back around my body to the front. I breathed through it, knowing that feeling all too well. It was the same pain I'd felt two years ago. “Oh no,” I ground out through gritted teeth and leaned against the bed as another cramp hit me. I started taking long, deep breaths as my fingers gripped the bed and I moaned long and low through another wave of pain. These were not cramps, these were more like labor pains! I tried to remember what I'd learned in my prenatal classes about natural pain relief, but the pounding headache was making it hard to think straight and remember. My knees seemed to turn to jelly and I rolled onto the bed to curl up in into a tiny ball on my side. The room felt hot and stuffy and I started sweating. What the hell was happening to me?
Between the horrible cramping, the headache, and the hot flashes, I knew I'd made a huge mistake. This felt worse than any labor pains I'd ever experienced. I panted for air, clutching my stomach as my toes curled in reflex to the spasms of pain, and tried not to panic.
Out of nowhere, a cool cloth dabbed at my cheeks and forehead and felt wonderful on my overheated skin. “It's going to be all right, Ella.” I knew that languid, gentle voice. I opened my eyes saw the Doctor standing next to me. I hadn't heard him come in.
Turns out I had some company.
“What are you doing here?”
He put the cloth aside and pulled off his coat before he sat down on the bed behind me. “I found out that they had you going through the first phase alone and that isn't right. I told you it wouldn't be pleasant.” The Doctor picked up the cloth and touched my face again. There was a slight flash of anger in his eyes. “Healer Koray told me that I don't need to be here, but I...insisted to the contrary. I won't leave you to the mercy of the toaster.” I snorted in laughter and was touched that he didn't want me to be alone, but I was also embarrassed. He caught the look on my face and added, “Unless you'd like to be alone?”
“It's not that, Doctor. It's just that I don't want you to see me like...” A wave of nausea rolled through me and I realized I was about to be sick.
The Doctor must have seen the look on my face because he grabbed the emesis basin and held it under my face as I heaved, but nothing came up. “I don't mind. This is why I told you to skip breakfast. You're not going to disgust me, if that's what you're afraid of. I've seen much worse.” He rubbed my back in slow circles. “Take some deep breaths for me. It will help. ”
I tried to follow his instructions, but breathing was hard because every sharp contraction seemed to steal the air from my lungs. “Koray said cramps, but this is more like labor. This freaking hurts!”
The Doctor looked concerned. “I don't think she anticipated how different this process would be for you. She's never performed this procedure on a human before and it's obviously more painful. You're a bit different from the Time Ladies she's used to caring for. It's not that bad for them.”
“Lucky bitches. What the hell have I done?” I asked in between shuddering breaths.
“What you've always done. You've been Donna's guardian all these years, and now you're doing this to save her baby's life. In a sense, you're its protector, too.”
“I didn't...didn't have a choice. I couldn't let the baby die.”
“No, you couldn't. This pain is only temporary and it will pass soon. I'll be here the whole time.”
I squirmed in discomfort from the heat. “Why is it so hot in here?”
He felt my forehead. “You're running a fever because there's a war going inside you. Compelling your body into immediate gestation is unnatural and the body responds by causing an instant miscarriage the moment the embryo is implanted. The biochemicals are designed to force all of your body systems, especially your immune system, into compliance so it doesn't see the baby as a foreign invader and cause you to miscarry. Your body is fighting back, as it should because it knows something isn't right, but it won't win. The catalyst will force your your body into accepting a pregnancy, but it does so kicking and screaming, for lack of a better metaphor.” His fingers touched my neck and he frowned. “Deep breaths, remember. Breathe through the pain and try to stay calm. Your heart is racing.”
I took a few more deep breaths and I shook my head. “I can't do this!” The rapid and brutal changes to my body just so I could carry a baby did something to me mentally. All of those fears I had about giving birth again broke free. I rocked back and forth and began chanting in time to the spasms, “I can't...I can't...I can't...I can't...”
Strong hands gripped my shoulders, pulling me upright. The world swam as I heard, “Yes, you can!” The Doctor's authoritative voice whispered in my ear, startling me out of my new mantra. “You're going to.”
A different Doctor had said the exact same words to me in the glade so many years ago. A sudden thought struck me. The Tenth Doctor would have remembered being here and helping me go through horrific pain for Donna and her baby. Perhaps that's the real reason why he'd decided not to erase my memories. He knew that I could be trusted, knew what lengths I'd go through to protect my friend, but couldn't tell me why because I wouldn't have understood back then. I'd just met Donna and if he'd told me what I'd wind up doing for her, I wouldn't have believed him. I might have even avoided Donna to try to prevent this from happening to me. In fact, I knew I would have.
“You'll remember this!” I gasped. “Oh, I understand everything now! This is why...why your future self trusted me with Donna's life and didn't erase my memories.”
The Doctor just looked confused. “Why would I want to erase your memories?” Another set of sudden contractions tore through me and I started shedding silent tears. The Doctor held me up as I wept. I felt like I was going to burn up from the heat and he pressed the cloth to my face again. “Sssh. This is just a moment in time. Let it pass. Now, breathe.”
I hiccuped through my tears. “Breathing doesn't help.”
“Then let's try this.” He took my shoulders and leaned me forward, then his thumbs dug into my lower back just below my waist. He leaned his body weight into his hands, moving his thumbs in tiny circles. The pain lessened quite a bit and I let out a long sigh. “Better?”
“Oh my god, yes.”
I heard him chuckle. “Sacral pressure. It works wonders for a laboring mother.”
“Except I'm not in labor, which just makes this all the more bizarre because it feels like it.”
“True, but you'll want to remember this trick in about...oh...thirty-four weeks or so.”
He continued to press against my back, but to my dismay, the pain intensified and the Doctor's efforts to give me relief stopped working. I felt sick to my stomach and I curled in on myself in a futile attempt to contain the pain. From the corner of my eye, I saw the Doctor pull a pocket watch out and check the time. He clicked the watch shut and felt my forehead. I was much cooler now, but the pain was unbearable. “You're fever's broken, you're on the other side. Not much longer now, Ella. Almost there.”
I thought about what I'd done. I'd turned my back on my marriage, on my own child, to go through all this pain for someone else. What would Brian think of me when he found out? Or would I ever get to tell him? I had a dark thought: what if I didn't survive? Brian would never know what had happened to me. I felt guilty for what I'd done and terrified at the same time that I was going to die because I was in agony. Still, I yearned for my husband's reassuring presence.
The awful cramps were coming in constant waves now, giving me no respite. All I could think about was Brian, my rock, my calm in the storm. He'd been amazing during my horrible long labor with Bastian and I couldn't have done it without him. I was terrified of going through pregnancy and labor again, but I knew it was going to happen and I needed him now. It was hard to form words. “Want...”
I heard the Doctor's voice coming from far away, like it was in a tunnel. “What is it that you want?”
“Brian.”
“Your husband?”
“Yes!” I couldn't take it anymore and finally broke down in wild, hysterical tears. My wailing sobs filled the large room and echoed off the walls. I don't ever remember crying that hard in my life.
The Doctor got up and came around to sit in front of me. He slid his arms under mine and lifted me to lean against him, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. Normally, I'd have been embarrassed, but I didn't care at that point. “That's it, just let it all out.” There was a flash of memory when I remembered the Tenth Doctor handing me his handkerchief and retreating to the other side of the medical bay when I'd started crying, telling me to “let it all out.” I hadn't know the Doctor back then, had been so scared of him, but he had known me the whole time! He would have remembered this moment of me crying for Brian and stepping in when I'd had enough and had cracked from the agony. It was a strange revelation, but also comforting at the same time.
I buried my face in the Doctor's shoulder and bawled, letting the pain and the tears consume me. I didn't care that he wasn't the Tenth Doctor, he was still the Doctor and the closest I had to a friend at that moment. His quiet voice tried to reassure me. “I'm here. You're not alone.” He rocked me a little and rubbed my back. “We're going to get through this. You're doing the right thing, you know you are. Believe me, I won't ever forget what you've done for Donna.”
I knew he wouldn't.
Author: Hezikiah
Disclaimer: Not mine, it's the BBC's.
Rating: PG
Characters: Ella (OC), Eighth Doctor, Healer Koray (OC)
Warnings: None.
Summary: Sequel to " Witnessing the Protector," five years on. When the metacrisis begins to unravel on its own, a desperate Ella finds the Doctor...and winds up giving up more than she bargained for to save her best friend's life.
Author's Note: Oh wow, this was a hard chapter to write. It went through several revisions, actually. I think I can safely say that this is the only chapter with some serious whump in it, but it's all for a good reason and serves a purpose in the overall big picture.
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4
August 19, 2016
I hadn't slept much and was tired when I woke up this morning. There was a strange mood in the air on the ship. I wish I could describe it more, but it was like a feeling of tangible waiting. All I found in the wardrobe was a pair of jeans and a white tank top and nothing else. Even the TARDIS seemed to be waiting, but I don't even know if that's possible. The Tenth Doctor told me she's sentient and the wardrobe was always full of clothes that I liked, as if she knew my tastes. I almost felt like she was trying to tell me something when she gave me one choice of clothing. Does she speak in symbols? Maybe she was trying to tell me that she understood. I wasn't sure, but I touched the wallpaper just above the wainscoting. “Only one choice today? No kidding.” Feeling a touch ridiculous for talking to the ship, I patted the wall. “Thanks.”
The Doctor was very quiet when I found him in the kitchen after I'd gotten dressed. He was sitting at the table and he raised his head when I walked in. The sad look in his sleepy eyes almost broke my heart. I sat down across from him. “Are you ok?”
“I'm all right. I've been trying to figure out what would have kept my Tenth self away. What's going to change in the future that will prevent me from bringing Donna to Gallifrey? Will I be banished? The Time Lords have done that before, but it was never permanent. When I look at what I've done, will do, to Donna...” he shuddered. “It never should have happened! I don't understand, which is quite an odd feeling because frankly, I'm a genius.”
That last comment was so Ten that I almost giggled. “He didn't tell me much about Gallifrey, just that he was from here.” His sadness made me wish that I could tell him the truth.
He looked me right in the eyes. “There's nothing he told you? Any kind of hint?”
I bit my lip and directed my gaze at the top of the table. I couldn't look him in the eyes and lie. “No. I wasn't with him that long, maybe two weeks at the most, and I was not myself for a good portion of that.”
“I see.” He paused. “You mentioned meeting my Twelfth incarnation.”
“Oh, yes. That was just briefly. He popped in to say hello and check in on Donna. Ten does that, too, but it's been two years.”
A dark look crossed his face. “Three regenerations and all they do is 'check' on her? Not one of them decided to come back and bring her to Gallifrey?”
I spread my hands and shook my head. “I'm sorry, Doctor, I don't understand it, either.”
“I'm looking forward to finding out why my future regenerations are so neglectful,” he almost growled, but then the anger passed. He sighed and seemed to come out of his funk. “Dwelling on this problem isn't going to do any good. How are you feeling, Ella?”
I blew out a breath of air. “Overwhelmed, scared. I suppose I just want to it to be over with so that Donna can get better, which is the whole reason we came here in the first place.”
The Doctor stood. “Then let's go see Healer Koray, though...it's not too late to change your mind.” He looked at me sideways.
“Don't tempt me, but no. I haven't changed my mind.”
“Very well. Come on.” He held out his hand and I took it. As we walked through the TARDIS and out the door, my fingers tightened in his hand. He glanced at me and said, “It's all right to be afraid, Ella. No one thinks any less of you if you're scared. What they're asking you to do is a huge burden physically, emotionally, and mentally, but I know you're strong. I think can see why he asked you to watch out for Donna.”
I looked at him in surprise. “Really?”
He nodded, giving me a smile.
The doorway to the depths of the medical facility loomed ahead and I took a deep breath. “I don't like Healer Koray. Is that wrong?”
He shook his head. “Not at all. She has all the charm and personality of an unplugged toaster, doesn't she?”
I smirked. “That sounds about right.”
“She's a typical Time Lord. You'll encounter more like her. I can tell you that she is concerned about Donna, though. She wouldn't have kept pressing you to serve as a surrogate if she didn't want to save the baby and help Donna get better. She's also the best person to perform this procedure.”
“What do you mean?” I noticed that the Doctor had recognized her name when we first met her.
“She's the best in her field. For centuries, my people were not able to conceive children naturally. We called it the Pythia's Curse and used a process called Looming to reproduce. The curse was lifted only in the last few decades, but not without problems. Miscarriages amongst my people are common. Advanced surrogacy techniques were developed so that women who can successfully bear children can carry for those women who cannot. It's very commonplace now. Healer Koray was one of the Time Lords who pioneered that field. She's very old, Ella, older than me. Last I heard, she was retired, but perhaps overseeing a human surrogacy, which has never been done before on Gallifrey as far as I know, has given her a reason to come out of retirement.”
I shrugged. “We're able to do it on earth, but not past the petri dish. A six week embryo seems a little far-fetched.”
“Six or seven weeks is the limit, which is why you can see it's urgent that we move quickly if we're to avoid unnecessary...” he trailed off and I looked at him sideways. Unnecessary what?
I didn't find out because just then we arrived at Healer Koray's office and she was waiting for us. There was no pretense as we walked in. She got up from her desk and paced towards the door. “Follow me, please. Doctor, you may remain here.”
I looked at him and he squeezed my hand again. “Toaster,” he mouthed and I smiled, but then he added out loud, “That's fine. I'm going to meet with Healer Akakios and check on Donna.”
I walked over to Healer Koray, who turned and headed down the hall at a fast pace on her long legs. I had to jog after her to keep up. She didn't say a word, but led me to a large, airy room. Floor to ceiling windows covered one wall and offered a view of the Citadel's towers with snow-capped mountains in the distance. They glowed softly in the early morning sunshine. Dark grey curtains were pulled back to show the view. The walls were painted a soft yellow with white trim. There were two beds that reminded me of extra wide dentist's chairs. They could be raised into an upright position, but were currently laid out flat. A huge yellow privacy curtain separated them, but it was open. A bunch of equipment and monitors stood around each bed and I felt a sudden touch of fear at what I was about to do. I didn't really have time to think about it though, because Healer Koray handed me a bundle of white fabric and nodded towards a doorway. “You may change in there and then we'll proceed.”
I walked through the doorway and discovered a bathroom. When I unfolded the fabric and held up the garment, I discovered a textured white wraparound gown similar to the blue one that I'd woken up wearing in the TARDIS all those years ago. “Well, at least I don't have a concussion now,” I sighed as I donned the gown, which fell to just below my knees. I wrapped my arms tight around myself in trepidation and went back to the room.
Koray gestured towards one of the beds and I sat down, fiddling with the hem of the gown. I think she knew how frightened I was because she said, “There is nothing to be afraid of, Dr. Steinfield. The entire process will take place in two stages. The first stage will be to create a suitable environment within your womb to support the embryo using a combination of biochemicals and hormones that I've modified for the human body. The side effects of this stage can be somewhat unpleasant.” Koray pointed to a shallow basin sitting on the table next to the bed. “The first stage causes extreme nausea and you will perhaps have the urge to vomit.”
“Nothing like morning sickness,” I replied, not looking up.
She ignored my snarky comment.“In addition, you will experience emotional changes, perhaps feeling the need to shed tears for no reason. You will develop a headache and experience some cramping in your abdomen as your womb builds an endometrium. This is normal and due to changes in blood volume. However, all of these side effects will be short lived. The entire process will take approximately one to two hours and then the side effects will lessen.” She sounded like a cold android reciting its programming protocol. You are definitely an unplugged toaster, I thought.
“Right, ok. I'll be miserable for a few hours, then it's going to be a regular pregnancy?”
Koray nodded. “Yes. Donna Temple-Noble will join us when you've completed the first phase and we'll proceed with the second stage afterward, implanting the embryo.” Koray went on to explain in her monotone drone exactly how she'd transfer the embryo from Donna's body into my mine. Let's just say that it made a routine visit to the OB/GYN seem like a cakewalk in comparison and I blanched to the point where Healer Koray gave me a long, evaluative look when she was finished. I looked away and didn't say anything. She finally turned to pick up one of the transdermal syringes I remembered from the TARDIS. “This is the catalyst that will prepare your body for gestation. If you're ready, then you may lie down on your right side.”
I did so, holding back the urge to jump off the bed and run screaming out the door after knowing exactly what she was going to do to me. But, I squeezed my eyes shut, reminding myself that I was doing this for Donna. I couldn't think about myself. This wasn't about me, it was about her and my fear was irrelevant if it meant everybody lived in the end. I felt Koray shift the gown aside to expose my left hip. There was a sudden rush of coolness and I jerked in response as she injected the catalyst into my body. “It is done, Dr. Steinfield.” She folded the gown closed and I opened my eyes.
“Are you going to give me something for the pain?” I've always been a baby when it comes to cramps. I hate them and will pop an ibuprofen the minute those damn things start.
She shook her head. “I'm sorry, but I cannot. Your body has just been flooded with dozens of biochemicals and hormones, which will put a considerable strain on your cardiovascular, immune, and reproduction systems. While you are healthy and strong for a human, you do not have the benefit of a second heart, like us, and analgesics will raise your blood pressure higher than I am comfortable allowing. The pain will not be considerable.” She turned to go as she added, “I will return in a few hours, when you've completed the first stage.”
The door closed after her and I got up from the bed, still hugging my arms around my body. I paced the room, unable to sit still. I felt nervous, irritable, and frightened and I wondered if it was the hormones beginning to work or just my own trepidation.
The first indication of the change started only a few moments later. A dull pain began to grow behind my temples and I pressed my fingers into my head. I could feel a bad headache coming on, but I tried to ignore it as I stalked back and forth in front of the windows, staring out at the majestic alien towers. The light suddenly seemed too bright. I grabbed the grey curtains and tugged them shut, blocking out the sunlight. The room plunged into blessed dimness, though soft glowing light emanated from scallop-shaped sconces set into the walls.
This was just the beginning...I had no idea just how bad it was going to get.
I was crossing by one of the beds when the first cramp hit, a sharp pain that radiated from my back around my body to the front. I breathed through it, knowing that feeling all too well. It was the same pain I'd felt two years ago. “Oh no,” I ground out through gritted teeth and leaned against the bed as another cramp hit me. I started taking long, deep breaths as my fingers gripped the bed and I moaned long and low through another wave of pain. These were not cramps, these were more like labor pains! I tried to remember what I'd learned in my prenatal classes about natural pain relief, but the pounding headache was making it hard to think straight and remember. My knees seemed to turn to jelly and I rolled onto the bed to curl up in into a tiny ball on my side. The room felt hot and stuffy and I started sweating. What the hell was happening to me?
Between the horrible cramping, the headache, and the hot flashes, I knew I'd made a huge mistake. This felt worse than any labor pains I'd ever experienced. I panted for air, clutching my stomach as my toes curled in reflex to the spasms of pain, and tried not to panic.
Out of nowhere, a cool cloth dabbed at my cheeks and forehead and felt wonderful on my overheated skin. “It's going to be all right, Ella.” I knew that languid, gentle voice. I opened my eyes saw the Doctor standing next to me. I hadn't heard him come in.
Turns out I had some company.
“What are you doing here?”
He put the cloth aside and pulled off his coat before he sat down on the bed behind me. “I found out that they had you going through the first phase alone and that isn't right. I told you it wouldn't be pleasant.” The Doctor picked up the cloth and touched my face again. There was a slight flash of anger in his eyes. “Healer Koray told me that I don't need to be here, but I...insisted to the contrary. I won't leave you to the mercy of the toaster.” I snorted in laughter and was touched that he didn't want me to be alone, but I was also embarrassed. He caught the look on my face and added, “Unless you'd like to be alone?”
“It's not that, Doctor. It's just that I don't want you to see me like...” A wave of nausea rolled through me and I realized I was about to be sick.
The Doctor must have seen the look on my face because he grabbed the emesis basin and held it under my face as I heaved, but nothing came up. “I don't mind. This is why I told you to skip breakfast. You're not going to disgust me, if that's what you're afraid of. I've seen much worse.” He rubbed my back in slow circles. “Take some deep breaths for me. It will help. ”
I tried to follow his instructions, but breathing was hard because every sharp contraction seemed to steal the air from my lungs. “Koray said cramps, but this is more like labor. This freaking hurts!”
The Doctor looked concerned. “I don't think she anticipated how different this process would be for you. She's never performed this procedure on a human before and it's obviously more painful. You're a bit different from the Time Ladies she's used to caring for. It's not that bad for them.”
“Lucky bitches. What the hell have I done?” I asked in between shuddering breaths.
“What you've always done. You've been Donna's guardian all these years, and now you're doing this to save her baby's life. In a sense, you're its protector, too.”
“I didn't...didn't have a choice. I couldn't let the baby die.”
“No, you couldn't. This pain is only temporary and it will pass soon. I'll be here the whole time.”
I squirmed in discomfort from the heat. “Why is it so hot in here?”
He felt my forehead. “You're running a fever because there's a war going inside you. Compelling your body into immediate gestation is unnatural and the body responds by causing an instant miscarriage the moment the embryo is implanted. The biochemicals are designed to force all of your body systems, especially your immune system, into compliance so it doesn't see the baby as a foreign invader and cause you to miscarry. Your body is fighting back, as it should because it knows something isn't right, but it won't win. The catalyst will force your your body into accepting a pregnancy, but it does so kicking and screaming, for lack of a better metaphor.” His fingers touched my neck and he frowned. “Deep breaths, remember. Breathe through the pain and try to stay calm. Your heart is racing.”
I took a few more deep breaths and I shook my head. “I can't do this!” The rapid and brutal changes to my body just so I could carry a baby did something to me mentally. All of those fears I had about giving birth again broke free. I rocked back and forth and began chanting in time to the spasms, “I can't...I can't...I can't...I can't...”
Strong hands gripped my shoulders, pulling me upright. The world swam as I heard, “Yes, you can!” The Doctor's authoritative voice whispered in my ear, startling me out of my new mantra. “You're going to.”
A different Doctor had said the exact same words to me in the glade so many years ago. A sudden thought struck me. The Tenth Doctor would have remembered being here and helping me go through horrific pain for Donna and her baby. Perhaps that's the real reason why he'd decided not to erase my memories. He knew that I could be trusted, knew what lengths I'd go through to protect my friend, but couldn't tell me why because I wouldn't have understood back then. I'd just met Donna and if he'd told me what I'd wind up doing for her, I wouldn't have believed him. I might have even avoided Donna to try to prevent this from happening to me. In fact, I knew I would have.
“You'll remember this!” I gasped. “Oh, I understand everything now! This is why...why your future self trusted me with Donna's life and didn't erase my memories.”
The Doctor just looked confused. “Why would I want to erase your memories?” Another set of sudden contractions tore through me and I started shedding silent tears. The Doctor held me up as I wept. I felt like I was going to burn up from the heat and he pressed the cloth to my face again. “Sssh. This is just a moment in time. Let it pass. Now, breathe.”
I hiccuped through my tears. “Breathing doesn't help.”
“Then let's try this.” He took my shoulders and leaned me forward, then his thumbs dug into my lower back just below my waist. He leaned his body weight into his hands, moving his thumbs in tiny circles. The pain lessened quite a bit and I let out a long sigh. “Better?”
“Oh my god, yes.”
I heard him chuckle. “Sacral pressure. It works wonders for a laboring mother.”
“Except I'm not in labor, which just makes this all the more bizarre because it feels like it.”
“True, but you'll want to remember this trick in about...oh...thirty-four weeks or so.”
He continued to press against my back, but to my dismay, the pain intensified and the Doctor's efforts to give me relief stopped working. I felt sick to my stomach and I curled in on myself in a futile attempt to contain the pain. From the corner of my eye, I saw the Doctor pull a pocket watch out and check the time. He clicked the watch shut and felt my forehead. I was much cooler now, but the pain was unbearable. “You're fever's broken, you're on the other side. Not much longer now, Ella. Almost there.”
I thought about what I'd done. I'd turned my back on my marriage, on my own child, to go through all this pain for someone else. What would Brian think of me when he found out? Or would I ever get to tell him? I had a dark thought: what if I didn't survive? Brian would never know what had happened to me. I felt guilty for what I'd done and terrified at the same time that I was going to die because I was in agony. Still, I yearned for my husband's reassuring presence.
The awful cramps were coming in constant waves now, giving me no respite. All I could think about was Brian, my rock, my calm in the storm. He'd been amazing during my horrible long labor with Bastian and I couldn't have done it without him. I was terrified of going through pregnancy and labor again, but I knew it was going to happen and I needed him now. It was hard to form words. “Want...”
I heard the Doctor's voice coming from far away, like it was in a tunnel. “What is it that you want?”
“Brian.”
“Your husband?”
“Yes!” I couldn't take it anymore and finally broke down in wild, hysterical tears. My wailing sobs filled the large room and echoed off the walls. I don't ever remember crying that hard in my life.
The Doctor got up and came around to sit in front of me. He slid his arms under mine and lifted me to lean against him, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. Normally, I'd have been embarrassed, but I didn't care at that point. “That's it, just let it all out.” There was a flash of memory when I remembered the Tenth Doctor handing me his handkerchief and retreating to the other side of the medical bay when I'd started crying, telling me to “let it all out.” I hadn't know the Doctor back then, had been so scared of him, but he had known me the whole time! He would have remembered this moment of me crying for Brian and stepping in when I'd had enough and had cracked from the agony. It was a strange revelation, but also comforting at the same time.
I buried my face in the Doctor's shoulder and bawled, letting the pain and the tears consume me. I didn't care that he wasn't the Tenth Doctor, he was still the Doctor and the closest I had to a friend at that moment. His quiet voice tried to reassure me. “I'm here. You're not alone.” He rocked me a little and rubbed my back. “We're going to get through this. You're doing the right thing, you know you are. Believe me, I won't ever forget what you've done for Donna.”
I knew he wouldn't.