[Fanfic] On Top of Things
“Hey America, I brought you this world map, so make sure you use it okay?”
“Eh? You didn’t have to do that…looking at those things hurt my head! And all those European countries look so ugly!”
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Chapter One - The Map on America’s Desk
Many weeks later, while America was cleaning his house, removing cola cups, hamburger wrappers, and many boxes of tea England kept sending over. He finally sat down for a break when he heard angry cursing from the next room.
“LIMEY! $%#^$% LIMEY BASTARD!”, Exclaimed the alien who resided in America’s house. He only ceased his extraterrestrial swearing spree when America ran in and stopped him, grabbing the object in Tony’s hand.
“What the hell is this?” he said, looking at the World Map and the letter enclosed. “Oh…it’s the map, and look! England wrote me a letter too! AWESOME!”
Tony didn’t think it was awesome, he left the room, muttering something about bastards and teabags.
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Dear America,
Since I saw you EAT the last map with lunch, here is a new one, colored and everything. Let’s see who looks ugly now you god damned bloody git---anyways. Please DO read this one, and not eat it with your hamburger again.
Sincerely,
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
“Hmm…and I just thought England made that burger, no wonder it tasted so bad…” America laid the tea stained letter on the table, and opened the VERY large world map. Just looking at it made his head spin. But being the Hero, he read the entire thing; much like someone would a book.
“Hmm…heheh…ahah…HAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH MY GOD!”
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Chapter Two - On Top of Things
On this particular day there was a meeting, nothing very important was to be discussed; that is, until America walked in with a grin wider than all of the world. He slammed his map on the table and looked to his fellow nations; Russia, China, France, England, Canada, Germany, and the two Italy brothers; Romano and Veneziano. All of whom looked at America with worried looks, he only entered a room with this much gusto when he had an outrageous idea, or was drunk. Many times it was both.
“Bloody hell, what are you so happy abou-“
“EVERYONE! I made a discovery while reading the map last night! HAHA!” America shoved the map down towards the others; they all stared down at it. Since they had all seen it many times before, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
“See anything yet?!”
England stared, and suddenly went blue with shock. “No…don’t tell me…Sealand isn’t a nation, is he?! IS HE ON HERE!? SON OF A BI-“
“Hahaha! Nope, what are you on? Tea? Everyone…its obvious….” Now he was getting sad, how could nobody have seen this before?!
“Ahhhhhh~! I know…this is all the parts that will soon be one with me, da…?” Russia smiled, but everyone else yelled a collective “NO!”
“You people are all idiots! Some people are on top of each other!” America grinned.
Dead silence surrounded the large, elegantly decorated room.
“Russia is on top of China!”
Russia smiled his smile, and looked at the very horrified China sitting beside him. “Fufufu! But China already knew Russia was on top…” he put his arm around the smaller mans back, “Da?”
China screamed.
“Ve~! Germany! Lookie lookie! You’re on top of me! Eh….? Germany..?” Veneziano looked to Germany, who was avoiding everyone’s glances by hitting his head on the table, blushing furiously, and muttering curses in German. Completely unfazed, Veneziano also pointed out, “Waaaai! I’m on top of big brother too! Heheheh!”
Romano’s reaction was much more violent than Germany’s, he proceeded to physically attack his younger brother for saying such a thing in public.
France scanned the map with perverted curiosity, excitedly waiting to see who he could screw next. But what we would see permanently killed his sexual cravings forever.
England topped France. Feeling totally unfabulous and with his sex drive killed, he broke down into sobs next to Germany. England yelled at France, and the whole room in general, for not thinking he was sexy, or screwable. He grabbed France by the collar and punched him.
America stared at the scene that had unfolded before him. In only a matter of minutes, England and France were throwing insults at each other faster than a bullet could fire guns. Speaking of guns, Romano had the mafia come after Germany and Italy for starting this whole “Topping” business. And Russia and China mysteriously disappeared. However, many noises were reported coming from a broom closet up the hallway.
“So what else is new?” Said America, leaving the room to get lunch at McDonalds.
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Amidst the chaos, an invisible nation looked at the map.
“I top America…”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Canada…sigh.”