So...I May Have Hijacked Your Genetic Material...
Title: So…I May Have Hijacked Your Genetic Material…
Author: Helloiamsilver
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Pretty Gen but it’s Adam/Sauli I guess and an OFC/Adam’s sperm
Rating: PG
Length: 1,500
Warnings: Crack
Summary: Never donate sperm when you might become famous
Author's Note: So, I was thinking about the kind of people I would like to be the father of my children, and this whole idea sprang up. I was also watching Juno so that may have had some influence. TOTAL CRACK.
Adam was walking through the mall one day, minding his own business when he was accosted by a fan. While that in itself was not that strange a thing, what she said afterwards sure as hell was.
"Hi! Oh my god! I'm so glad I met you! I'm a HUGE fan. Sure Fire Winners is one of my favorite songs of all time. You're amazing!"
The woman pulled him into a hug and Adam laughed indulgently "Oh also, I'm bearing your child!" that stopped him short.
"Uh...what?" He asked with a blank look on his face. The woman remained nonchalant.
"Yeah, my name's Julie and I'm having your kid," she didn't sound like she was joking, but Adam laughed, incredulous.
"I think you must be mistaken. I have not had sex with a woman in a long time. And when I did, it was not with you," He laughed more, uncomfortably.
"Oh I know. I didn't say we had sex,"
"Then how..?"
"You donated sperm?" Adam's jaw dropped. She knew about that? "Like YEARS back? Yeah it was still at the sperm bank! Guess it got put on a back shelf or something. I don't know. Either way, it was all freeze dried and crap so it was still spicy...clearly," she gestured towards her baby bump.
"I....did do that didn't I," he began to go into shock. At the time, he had just needed the money. Sperm was valuable apparently. He hadn’t thought about what had happened to it, "How did you KNOW that? I mean my fans are better than god damn private investigators but how did you find that out? Let alone find my sperm!?"
"Oh, I was chilling at the sperm bank one day when-"
"You were CHILLING at the SPERM BANK?" He interrupted
"Look! I had my reasons! Anyway, I was at the sperm bank and I happened to see a list of previous donors and WAY back on the list, whataya know there was one Adam Mitchell Lambert,"
"Oh my god...." His voice was beginning to go higher than a falsetto.
"Yeah, that's what I thought! Oh my god! This is perfect! Think how amazing my baby would be if I had Adam Lambert's genetic material in this thing! So yeah, I got it! This is, in the most technical sense, your child," She gestured to her stomach.
"Wha..."
"Look, don't worry. I'm not expecting you to be the daddy or anything. No responsibilities ok? I'm raising this thing. I just figured since I met you, might as well let you know. There might be some kid out there who looks just like you,"
Adam just stared.
"Or maybe it'll look more like me. Whatever, I hope it gets SOMETHING good from you! Although, I don't think I'm too shabby on the gene front either. I mean I managed to specifically track down your sperm donation out of thousands without setting off any kind of security alert. That takes some ingenuity! I'd say I bring something valuable to the genetic table,"
He still just stared. Julie looked up critically at Adam's face.
"I hope he gets your nose..." She stated seriously, "Or your VOICE!” Her face broke into amazement at the possibility, “Imagine if he had your VOICE!"
"Uh, so you know it's a boy then?" He finally managed to speak by focusing on the trivial while his brain was still in compute mode
"Oh, no I just always thought of him as a boy...Which means it'll probably be a girl," she shrugged.
"Well congratulations Julie. You're having a baby and you have OFFICIALLY won the title of weirdest, most twisted thing a fan has ever done. I mean my fans have done some weird shit but to have actually tracked down the sperm I donated when I was 19 so that you could have my BABY..."
"You know it's probably a good thing I got the sperm from when you were 19...” She mused, “Wasn't that before you started wearing the super tight pants? Because I imagine those canNOT be good for the testes...They look spectacular don't get me wrong! Your ass is a thing of beauty, but I'm thinking of the sperms here. We want 'em in tip top shape for baby making,"
Adam buried his face in hands
"Whoa dude...cool your jets, slow your roll and pop a chill pill,” She laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, “I told you, you DO NOT need to take responsibility or anything for the thing. This is not a Billie Jean story here. Just thought I'd let you know. Jeez...no need to freak out,"
"Freak out!? You're having. My. Child,"
"Hey, buddy you knew this was happening when you donated sperm. You knew there would be a little you popping up somewhere!" She pointed an accusing finger at him.
"I guess I just never really thought about it,"
"Yeah well. Now you are! This kid is gonna be half you. And now that you know about it, I guess I better go," She gathered up her purse.
”Wait!” He put out a hand to stop her. She wasn’t running off just yet! “ Um...is there a dad? Or another mom or er…I mean?"
"Oh no...I'm just raising the thing on my own. I'd wanted a kid for a while and then I found the sperm. It felt like fate," She shrugged again.
"Fate...” He let the word sit on his tongue, “So that's why you were at the sperm bank? You wanted a kid?"
"Yeah, I mean. I'm not very smooth with dudes and I haven't gone on a date in like...God, I don't even know how long. And I really do want a baby. I love the thought of having this little me around the house. This little thing to raise that I gave life to, I want that. So I went for the other option, like that Jennifer Lopez movie. But artificial insemination is SCARY man! To have some random sperm shoved into your vag so you can pop out a baby?"
"Sounds frightening," He agreed.
"It is! So when I saw your sperm, I just had the brilliant idea to use that! I mean I love you, so it was nice to think that like there was a little part of you in this whole thing. It made it less scary,"
"You know, as creepy and messed up as that is, it's almost kind of.... sweet," Adam admitted.
She grinned widely.
"You're still completely insane by the way!" He added.
"Oh I know, let's hope the baby gets your sanity level and my intelligence. Some of your talent would be good too. Or looks,"
"Ha..."
"Hey, I want to give this kid a head start in life!"
"Well, you’re probably gonna get an awkward freckly ginger kid so..."
"Yeah, but look how you turned out! This kid is golden,"
"Hey, you've got some genetic gifts too! Your eyes are really pretty!"
"So are yours! Oh my god, it's guaranteed then! This kid is gonna have gorgeous eyes!" Julie looked ecstatic.
"Oh...this is so weird," Adam laughed and shook his head.
"Yup," she agreed.
"So....Do you have any baby names picked out?" Adam asked. He figured if they were already at this stage of weirdness, he might as well know what it would be called.
"Oh yeah! I've had a list for ages! Although I should probably cross Adam off that list..."
"Yeah, that might be weird,"
"But I was thinking Eli maybe? Or Oliver, Damien, Felix..."She listed.
"I like Felix!" Adam interrupted with a smile, "And Eli's cute,"
"I know right!" She agreed.
"What about if it's a girl?"
"Hmm, Magenta? Or Ava? I like Filene too or maybe something cool like Orchid!"
"I love all of those! Orchid would be rad,"
"It also kinda sounds like 'Our Kid' ha!"
"Our kid..." He said slowly, face growing more serious. This was HIS kid…
"Yup, our kid. So I should probably be going then," She seemed a little more serious as well.
"Wait um, could I? Would it be weird if-" Adam fidgeted as he tried to find a way to ask.
"Well this whole thing is weird so shoot," she gestured for him to get on with it.
"Could I get your phone number?"
She smiled. “You wanna know how your kid's gonna turn out..." He nodded, "I get it. Sure I'll keep you posted I guess. But I'm gonna need your number too,"
Giving his phone number to a fan broke one of Adam's cardinal rules. But this was his future child. Not really his "child" but the kid had his genetics. He couldn't NOT know about it. He gave her the number. She smiled widely.
"Well I guess I gotta scoot then. See you around baby daddy!"
"Bye," he said, his voice faint as the shock settled in again.
"Fuck, what am I gonna tell Sauli?"
Author: Helloiamsilver
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Pretty Gen but it’s Adam/Sauli I guess and an OFC/Adam’s sperm
Rating: PG
Length: 1,500
Warnings: Crack
Summary: Never donate sperm when you might become famous
Author's Note: So, I was thinking about the kind of people I would like to be the father of my children, and this whole idea sprang up. I was also watching Juno so that may have had some influence. TOTAL CRACK.
Adam was walking through the mall one day, minding his own business when he was accosted by a fan. While that in itself was not that strange a thing, what she said afterwards sure as hell was.
"Hi! Oh my god! I'm so glad I met you! I'm a HUGE fan. Sure Fire Winners is one of my favorite songs of all time. You're amazing!"
The woman pulled him into a hug and Adam laughed indulgently "Oh also, I'm bearing your child!" that stopped him short.
"Uh...what?" He asked with a blank look on his face. The woman remained nonchalant.
"Yeah, my name's Julie and I'm having your kid," she didn't sound like she was joking, but Adam laughed, incredulous.
"I think you must be mistaken. I have not had sex with a woman in a long time. And when I did, it was not with you," He laughed more, uncomfortably.
"Oh I know. I didn't say we had sex,"
"Then how..?"
"You donated sperm?" Adam's jaw dropped. She knew about that? "Like YEARS back? Yeah it was still at the sperm bank! Guess it got put on a back shelf or something. I don't know. Either way, it was all freeze dried and crap so it was still spicy...clearly," she gestured towards her baby bump.
"I....did do that didn't I," he began to go into shock. At the time, he had just needed the money. Sperm was valuable apparently. He hadn’t thought about what had happened to it, "How did you KNOW that? I mean my fans are better than god damn private investigators but how did you find that out? Let alone find my sperm!?"
"Oh, I was chilling at the sperm bank one day when-"
"You were CHILLING at the SPERM BANK?" He interrupted
"Look! I had my reasons! Anyway, I was at the sperm bank and I happened to see a list of previous donors and WAY back on the list, whataya know there was one Adam Mitchell Lambert,"
"Oh my god...." His voice was beginning to go higher than a falsetto.
"Yeah, that's what I thought! Oh my god! This is perfect! Think how amazing my baby would be if I had Adam Lambert's genetic material in this thing! So yeah, I got it! This is, in the most technical sense, your child," She gestured to her stomach.
"Wha..."
"Look, don't worry. I'm not expecting you to be the daddy or anything. No responsibilities ok? I'm raising this thing. I just figured since I met you, might as well let you know. There might be some kid out there who looks just like you,"
Adam just stared.
"Or maybe it'll look more like me. Whatever, I hope it gets SOMETHING good from you! Although, I don't think I'm too shabby on the gene front either. I mean I managed to specifically track down your sperm donation out of thousands without setting off any kind of security alert. That takes some ingenuity! I'd say I bring something valuable to the genetic table,"
He still just stared. Julie looked up critically at Adam's face.
"I hope he gets your nose..." She stated seriously, "Or your VOICE!” Her face broke into amazement at the possibility, “Imagine if he had your VOICE!"
"Uh, so you know it's a boy then?" He finally managed to speak by focusing on the trivial while his brain was still in compute mode
"Oh, no I just always thought of him as a boy...Which means it'll probably be a girl," she shrugged.
"Well congratulations Julie. You're having a baby and you have OFFICIALLY won the title of weirdest, most twisted thing a fan has ever done. I mean my fans have done some weird shit but to have actually tracked down the sperm I donated when I was 19 so that you could have my BABY..."
"You know it's probably a good thing I got the sperm from when you were 19...” She mused, “Wasn't that before you started wearing the super tight pants? Because I imagine those canNOT be good for the testes...They look spectacular don't get me wrong! Your ass is a thing of beauty, but I'm thinking of the sperms here. We want 'em in tip top shape for baby making,"
Adam buried his face in hands
"Whoa dude...cool your jets, slow your roll and pop a chill pill,” She laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, “I told you, you DO NOT need to take responsibility or anything for the thing. This is not a Billie Jean story here. Just thought I'd let you know. Jeez...no need to freak out,"
"Freak out!? You're having. My. Child,"
"Hey, buddy you knew this was happening when you donated sperm. You knew there would be a little you popping up somewhere!" She pointed an accusing finger at him.
"I guess I just never really thought about it,"
"Yeah well. Now you are! This kid is gonna be half you. And now that you know about it, I guess I better go," She gathered up her purse.
”Wait!” He put out a hand to stop her. She wasn’t running off just yet! “ Um...is there a dad? Or another mom or er…I mean?"
"Oh no...I'm just raising the thing on my own. I'd wanted a kid for a while and then I found the sperm. It felt like fate," She shrugged again.
"Fate...” He let the word sit on his tongue, “So that's why you were at the sperm bank? You wanted a kid?"
"Yeah, I mean. I'm not very smooth with dudes and I haven't gone on a date in like...God, I don't even know how long. And I really do want a baby. I love the thought of having this little me around the house. This little thing to raise that I gave life to, I want that. So I went for the other option, like that Jennifer Lopez movie. But artificial insemination is SCARY man! To have some random sperm shoved into your vag so you can pop out a baby?"
"Sounds frightening," He agreed.
"It is! So when I saw your sperm, I just had the brilliant idea to use that! I mean I love you, so it was nice to think that like there was a little part of you in this whole thing. It made it less scary,"
"You know, as creepy and messed up as that is, it's almost kind of.... sweet," Adam admitted.
She grinned widely.
"You're still completely insane by the way!" He added.
"Oh I know, let's hope the baby gets your sanity level and my intelligence. Some of your talent would be good too. Or looks,"
"Ha..."
"Hey, I want to give this kid a head start in life!"
"Well, you’re probably gonna get an awkward freckly ginger kid so..."
"Yeah, but look how you turned out! This kid is golden,"
"Hey, you've got some genetic gifts too! Your eyes are really pretty!"
"So are yours! Oh my god, it's guaranteed then! This kid is gonna have gorgeous eyes!" Julie looked ecstatic.
"Oh...this is so weird," Adam laughed and shook his head.
"Yup," she agreed.
"So....Do you have any baby names picked out?" Adam asked. He figured if they were already at this stage of weirdness, he might as well know what it would be called.
"Oh yeah! I've had a list for ages! Although I should probably cross Adam off that list..."
"Yeah, that might be weird,"
"But I was thinking Eli maybe? Or Oliver, Damien, Felix..."She listed.
"I like Felix!" Adam interrupted with a smile, "And Eli's cute,"
"I know right!" She agreed.
"What about if it's a girl?"
"Hmm, Magenta? Or Ava? I like Filene too or maybe something cool like Orchid!"
"I love all of those! Orchid would be rad,"
"It also kinda sounds like 'Our Kid' ha!"
"Our kid..." He said slowly, face growing more serious. This was HIS kid…
"Yup, our kid. So I should probably be going then," She seemed a little more serious as well.
"Wait um, could I? Would it be weird if-" Adam fidgeted as he tried to find a way to ask.
"Well this whole thing is weird so shoot," she gestured for him to get on with it.
"Could I get your phone number?"
She smiled. “You wanna know how your kid's gonna turn out..." He nodded, "I get it. Sure I'll keep you posted I guess. But I'm gonna need your number too,"
Giving his phone number to a fan broke one of Adam's cardinal rules. But this was his future child. Not really his "child" but the kid had his genetics. He couldn't NOT know about it. He gave her the number. She smiled widely.
"Well I guess I gotta scoot then. See you around baby daddy!"
"Bye," he said, his voice faint as the shock settled in again.
"Fuck, what am I gonna tell Sauli?"