Zoo
Title:: Zoo
Genre:: Vam shorty
Rating:: R
Summary:: A trip to the zoo...
Notes:: This has been bugging me for ages. Bear with me, it's not amazing, but I just had to get it out of my head.
Zoo
"Vittu." Vittu, vittu, fucking vittu. I wanted to shout it at Bam's retreating back but I didn't dare, so I just hissed it under my breath - with just the same amount of feeling. In response, there was a tug at my middle finger, and I resented the sticky residue that was left there when the pressure was removed; even more I resented the baleful blue eyes that were looking up at me with confusion from next to my kneecap.
"Vittu," I said again, running my hand through my hair.
"Willa?” Growling to myself, I looked at the map in my hands. He'd marked out a path, and I was beginning to suspect more and more every minute that he'd planned this. The complete, utter, total fucking ...
I didn't have time to finish my thought, because there was that tugging again at my hand, and it wasn't like ignoring it would make it go away. Dammit, I thought, and knelt down.
"Yeah?"
"Where'd Dada go?" Good question, I thought, looking the 4 year old in the eyes for the first time since... well... ever.
"He had to go do business somewhere," I say. The blue eyes frowned, trying desperately to work something out.
"But the potties are over there." A chubby finger pointed in the direction where the 'potties' were, and I just rolled my eyes. Kids. Why couldn't they have brains?
"Yeah, Rach, not that kind of business. Like, he had to go work." Or something... he hadn't even told me where he was going. All I knew was that one minute we were walking down the path, the next he was on the phone behind me and Rach, speaking urgently and hurriedly into his phone. "But I told you I couldn't do that today! Yes... I understand that but..." There were a few frustrated noises, thrown in for effect, and then he slammed his phone shut and said, "Baby, I'm gonna have to go."
I could have shot him.
"You what?"
"I gotta go... stupid fucking..." He'd trailed off, muttering to himself, and then bent down in front of his daughter, who was sucking at her thumb avidly. "Rach, Dada's gotta go, but Willa can show you around the zoo, how does that sound? Would you like that, if Vil - I mean Willa took you to see the animals?"
"Wait just one second, buddy," I said, pointing my finger at him. "Don't go bringing 'Willa' into this. She's your daughter, you bring her around the zoo. I'll call whoever the fuck wants you to work and they can go get screwed. It's my damn video that you're working on, anyways."
Bam had just shaken his head, standing up and shrugging at me ruefully.
"I can't change it. The people from that animation company can only do today, and only do right now, and if we don’t do it now they're not free for another month."
"I'll make them free," I'd insisted, ignoring the two pairs of blue, pitiful eyes gazing up at me with pleading looks. God was cruel enough to give those eyes to one irresistible person. Manifesting them in his daughter was just one holy step way too fucking far. "Bam, fuck, I can't take care of a four year old! She'll get eaten by a lion or I’ll drop her and break her or something!"
Bam had laughed, and stood up to clutch at my hand like Rach was clutching at his. "Vil', baby, she's a four year old, not a porcelain doll. Four year olds bounce, they don't break. And there are no lions here. It's too cold." He'd used that voice... I hated that voice, it always made me do things I really didn't want to do. He'd used it to even get me on the island and in the zoo in the first place. That pleading, whining, pathetic and yet cocky voice that made me go weak at the knees. I hated that voice.
"Bam, seriously..." I'd tried to push him off but he clung even closer.
"Pleaseeee, Ville? Come on, her mom just died; give the kid a nice day." I glared at him. That was low, that was really, really low. He'd pulled that one on me to get me to come in the first place too. We'd just been sitting on the couch and I'd been looking forwards to a nice, uninterrupted day of sex, sex and probably more sex... before Rachel woke up and came running full speed into Bam's lap, pleading with him to take her to see the "Nanimals." I'd refused to go, and I was trying to stop him from going, but he got this weird look in his eyes and went all fatherly on my ass. "My daughter wants to go to the zoo then I'll take her to the goddamned zoo. You can come or you can stay, but her mother just died and I still think it'd be nice for you to at least try and give her a good time." I'd protested that her having a good time had nothing to do with me, she was his child, after all, and it wasn't my fault that her mother had died and landed her on the two of us; rather, it was his own fault for marrying the stupid cow in the first place, and then forgetting to use a condom, and only then realizing that the only person he really loved was, in fact, me. Cue huge lawsuit, suing for divorce, uproar in the press... and then relative happiness. As much happiness as you can get, living on two different continents. Bam couldn't live with me because he had to help with Rachel every now and then and I couldn't live over there with him because of the band. But besides that, it was happy. And then Missy unceremoniously kicked the bucket and landed the four year old on Bam. All the responsibility was on him... and he seemed to think that I was somehow included in that equation.
"Willa?" Shit. I'd done it again, daydreaming; in the middle of the goddamned zoo, too.
"Yeah?"
"Are we gonna see the nanimals?" I sighed. Bam'd begged and pleaded and had even pressed his gorgeous little body against me, promising whatever I wanted from him, just to take the poor kid along the route that he'd already drawn out on the map. "You don't even have to do anything. Just follow the red line, and stop where there are X's... it's not that hard, please, baby. Just this once?" I swear, he must have taught Rachel how to use those eyes that he gave her, because I found something inside of me weakening at the sight of that sad, hurt puppy dog face looking up at me from the vicinity of my knees.
"Yeah, yeah, we'll go see the animals," I said, shaking myself and hoping that no-one would recognize me. A bit of a pointless hope, but there it was. I just really didn't want the paparazzi getting a picture of me, Ville Valo, hardened rock god, pushing a baby carriage around the zoo. It wouldn't do anything for my untouchable ice-god image, so perfectly molded after so many years.
I followed the path Bam had marked out on the map, only getting lost a couple times. I hated zoos. I was by no means an animal rights activist, but I still thought it was a weird habit people had, putting animals in cages so they could stare at them. How would we like it if someone put us in a cage and then stared at us all day? Not so much, I think.
I walked slowly behind the hyperactive flash of curls, pushing the carriage in front of me, lost in my thoughts again, still in denial that I was actually doing this. In all honesty, if, 3 years ago, I had realized that getting involved with Bam would eventually mean living in the same house as a child, I would probably not have done it. I'd have made myself forget my stupid obsession with him and then none of this would have happened. Of course, when Bam called me to tell me about Missy's accident, I felt bad for the poor girl, because she was my age, and I certainly knew that I wasn't ready to die. I'd gone to the funeral, all the time feeling that I shouldn't be there, as myself and Missy hadn't exactly parted on the best terms - not that I blamed her for her hatred; I'd hate me too if I waltzed in and stole my husband away from under my nose - and I didn't think she'd want me at her funeral. I didn't really want to be there, but Bam had insisted, because he claimed he needed the moral support. Which he probably did; he was pretty damned shook up by the whole thing, I'll tell you that. I got many a hateful glare from Missy's family members as I stood gripping Bam's hand, but I did my best to ignore it. It was only after that, and after Bam and I had made the arrangements for his stuff to be shipped to Helsinki, that I realized that Bam coming over meant Rachel coming over too.
Rachel... shit... I realized she wasn't skipping beside the baby carriage anymore. Where was she? Fuck, fuck, fuck, did I lose her? I looked around and then I saw her bouncy brown curls a little ways ahead.
"Hey, uh... don't... you know... go too far ahead!" I called out, and Rachel stopped and turned around, grinning, running back to my side and tugging at my pants.
"What?" I asked, glaring down at her.
"I wanna see the nanimals," she said. Then I realized we'd just been walking past the enclosures, and she couldn't see from her two foot high vantage point, or however tall - or short - she was. Not that the view was very interesting, I thought, but that was why we were here, right?
"Oh, right." I pushed the contraption up to the side of one of the enclosures and leant against the fence, glad for a rest from walking.
"Willa, I can't see! Wanna see the nanimals!" Dammit, I was going to have to lift her up. I grabbed her beneath her arms and hoisted her up into the air. "Oooh," she crooned, and giggled, pointing at the animal, a kind of white... leopard... type... thing. Snow leopard, or whatever.
She loved it, apparently, and I stood there dangling her in the air until my arms threatened to give out and I began to be scared that I would drop her in the leopard pit. Bam would kill me with his bare hands. For some reason, he adored this snot-nosed, dirty, obnoxious bundle of curls. Guess it's that whole "Oh look, I brought this thing into the world I'm going to devote the rest of my life to it" complex. I never did get that. Mind, I didn't get most of the protocol for straight people. Especially the part where men liked women. It made no sense. Why like something so ... weird... when you could have something so familiar and goddamned gorgeous? Bam's marriage was a perfect example of this. Or perhaps not, but anyways, he realized - oh, I'd say about nine months too late - that he'd made a huge mistake and that Missy was a complete harpy.
Blind fuck, I say, but whatever. He made the right decision in the end.
When Rachel tired of looking at the leopard - an intensely boring and lazy animal, just sitting there on her rock - she clambered down my body and into the baby carriage, insisting that she be pushed around. We saw rabbits and horses and reindeer - sadly, not Santa, but I had to explain that he was busy making presents for next Christmas, which was why he wasn't taking care of "Donner", which story I had been drilled in by Bam, because he seemed to think Santa was crucial for the development of any child. We saw birds, which were so ugly that Rachel cried and I admit I wanted to too - but not because of the birds: because she wouldn't stop howling, until finally I took her into the Amazon house, and she was fascinated by the snakes and the frogs. The monkeys even made me laugh, but by the time we got out of that house, I was burning up with the heat of it - unnatural to us Finns - and dying for a fag. Of the tobacco variety, since I was still very thoroughly angry with Bam.
I had to have one, I just had to. There had to be somewhere that you could have a cigarette on the damned island. Finally, I found the answer. I stuck Rachel - squirming and struggling - in the carriage and pushed her as fast as I could towards the playground. Once there, I released her from her confines and stubbornly ignored her tears.
"Just... go... play. Or whatever." I shooed her towards the structure, teeming with other small hellions, and sank onto a bench feeling only a little bit guilty and pulled out my cigarette package, lighting up shakily, heaving a huge sigh as the nicotine rushed to my poor trembling extremities. However, the delight was short lived, because soon a hefty woman came marching towards me, her hands on her hips, her eyes livid with fire.
"Put that out," she demanded. I took the cigarette away from my lips and surveyed her from head to toe. Sadly, there is no other word for it... hefty is the only one that can be used to describe her.
"Why? There aren't any signs that say I can't."
"I know that," she said. "But there are little children around. Babies. Do you want them getting lung cancer before they reach puberty?!" I rolled my eyes and took another drag on the cigarette. God that was good. However, she was having none of it. She grabbed the cigarette from my hand and dashed it to the floor, crushing it under her heel. I glared up at her.
"You know, I think I might do more damage than lung cancer if I don't have a cigarette. You try dealing with a four year old all day." Again, the hefty lady was having none of that either.
"I have three," she said, as if I was pathetic for only having one. "Triplets. And do you see me clutching to a cigarette to get myself through? No. I don't care if you're a rock star or whatever you are, I'm not letting you give my children lung cancer. You can do what you like with your own."
I glared some more, and my hands were shaking again. I was about to say something cutting and rude, but a piercing cry cut the air and I realized I'd heard it before when Bam had done something that upset Rachel.
"Vittu," I said, earning another stern glare from the lady, and leapt up to find out what was wrong, imagining all the things Bam would do to me if she was hurt. The sight that I was greeted with, however, made me want to tear my hair out in frustration. As soon as I reached the place where Rachel was lying on the ground, splayed out and apparently unconscious, another child hurled himself on the ground next to him, a blood curdling cry splitting from his throat. After he'd lay still on the grass for a few seconds, their little bodies started shaking with laughter. They were having a dying competition.
Enough was bloody enough.
Grabbing Rachel by the pudgy hand, I dragged her out of the mud she was lying in and out of the playground again.
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, anywhere, out of there. Are you hungry or something?" It was lunchtime by now, and my own stomach was grumbling. Absentmindedly, I wondered whether or not they sold vodka in the restaurant. I really needed something to keep the monster headache that was threatening on the horizon at bay, and alcohol seemed the next best thing after ditching the four year old in the leopard cage.
Once I'd managed to figure out what she wanted to eat, realized that I had to cut everything for her and basically do everything short of put the food in her mouth and chew it for her, I just wanted someone to kill me there and then.
Then my cell phone rang in my pocket. I didn't even need to look at the caller I.D. I flipped it open and slammed it to my ear.
"You fucking, fucking asshole," I hissed down it, hoping that Rachel hadn't heard. Of course, she did, but she didn't know what it was I'd just said, so she was happy to ignore it.
He had the gall to laugh at my explosion. I swear, had he been near me, I'd have ripped pieces of him out with my fingernails.
"Not going so well?"
"No," I hissed.
"Is she not behaving?" I thought about that. Had she misbehaved?
"Well.... no..."
"Good. So what's up then?"
"Oh, I don't know... I'm trailing around an island full of animals in cages with a four year old, getting weird looks wherever I go... that seem to ring a bell?" Bam just laughed.
"What, are people shocked to see Ville Valo has a heart?"
"Hey, watch it, I'll just chuck your kid into the leopard pit and you can dive in and rescue her or whatever if you're not careful."
"Ville..." That was his warning voice. That was the voice that meant, okay, right now I'm not playing around, so you better damn well be serious with me or I'll put a frog in your bed.
"Sorry, sorry... but I can't believe you LEFT!"
"Sorry, baby, I tried to get out of it."
"Not hard enou - what the hell are you doing!?" I was addressing Rachel, who had decided that she would make a picture on the table with mashed potatoes. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food!?" I grabbed the spoon from her hands and pulled her away from the plate of potatoes. Bam was laughing so hard on the other end of the phone that I thought he might explode... and I thought I might just kill him the next time I saw him.
"I hate you," I mumbled down the phone, trying to clean her face with a napkin. This turned out to be a two hand job, so I had to hang up on Bam - he probably didn't even notice, he was still laughing so hard - to grab her face with one hand and wipe her mouth with the other. The mischievous look of satisfaction on her face reminded me so much of Bam that I wanted to hug her for it - oddly - or strangle her for it because it was exactly the face I knew he'd be making right this second.
Asshole.
I downed my coke and strapped Rachel back into the carriage. She looked full, and happy, and she was quiet as I pushed her towards the aquarium... it was only once we got inside that I realized she was actually asleep.
"Oh thank the lord," I said, and sat down on the first bench that I found, facing a big huge tank full of thousands of little colorful fish. I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and stuck the headphones in my ears, letting my hair fall in front of my face so that no-one would recognize me. And then I just sat there, watching the fish.... and occasionally, watching the four year old in the carriage, who was simply a mess of long brown curls and pink cheeks and chubby little fingers. I guess I could have left, but she was so excited about the fish...
It was weird to see my own face staring back at me from the back of someone's shirt - a teenaged boy - as he was dragged through the aquarium behind a procession of people, his family, I assume, on one of those proverbial family outings. Was that what this would have been if Bam hadn't run away? I snorted at the thought - a family? Me? Ha. Haha. I loved Bam to pieces, but I never thought we'd start a family. He'd tried and failed. The little bundle of curls in front of me was proof... wasn't it? My snort made her wake up, and she grinned when she saw me through her bleary blue eyes.
"Morning," I said, sarcastically, and she laughed. And then she was struggling to get out to see the 'fishes, Willa, fishes!'
We spent way too long in there. She wanted to watch the sharks get fed, but then she ran screaming away from the window every single time one swam past, ten times bigger than her, and she would fall on her backside and laugh to herself once she realized that there was glass - and then she was back at the window, and the whole thing would start over again. It was ridiculous and somewhat stupid, but she had everyone else there in fits of laughter, and even I had a small smile on my face and chuckled once or twice. Then we went around the whole aquarium again, because she wanted to, and then finally we went back out into the zoo again.
By this time, we'd done the whole of Bam's little route thing. Rachel was happily singing to herself as she walked alongside me, and I had to laugh when I realized she was singing one of my songs. Trust Bam to rear his children on HIM.
"Can we go in there Willa?" She pointed at the shop, and I nodded, smiling. Shopping - something I could do, finally! I left the baby carriage outside, and followed her curly head through the swinging doors. Zoo stores are always exceedingly cheesy and full of shit, but Rach was entranced. I followed her from aisle to aisle, shelf to shelf, setting right what she tipped over and laughing at her incessant commentary. She was so much like Bam it was ridiculous, and then again... she wasn't. For instance, Bam never spent this much time in a store, unless it had to do with skateboards. Or music.
Suddenly, she stopped in font of something that had caught her eye. A little rack of very tacky rings, but they sparkled, and I think that's what caught her eye.
"Willa, look! Pretty!" She pointed at the rings and I bent down to help her put them on her little fingers. She giggled and grinned at the way they sparkled, her bright blue eyes wide with pleasure.
"Want one, Rach?" She looked at me, shocked, and then nodded. I couldn't help smiling as I knelt next to her. "Which one? The one with the leopard? Or the one with the fish? Or the pink one?"
She just stared at them all, picking each one up and fingering it - much to the shopkeeper's dismay - and then putting it back down in favor of another one... she just couldn't make her mind up. Eventually, I got impatient, and just picked up the whole box and handed it to the lady behind the counter.
"What, you want the whole thing? All of them?" I nodded, and then knelt next to the wide-eyed little girl again.
"Is that it, Rach?" She nodded, but then I remembered the one thing that had really caught her eye, and strode quickly over to get it from the shelf, handing it to the lady.
"That too," I said, frowning at my own benevolence. Why was I buying the smelly brat presents? But when I looked down at her happy little face when she clutched the plush leopard that was almost as big as she was, I kind of realized my own motives. I loved making those blue eyes sparkle. And she had been a good kid... and... well. She was kind of cute.
"Ready to go, Rach?" I asked, and she nodded, climbing sleepily back into her carriage. I managed to navigate us out of the Zoo and back to Helsinki, where Bam was waiting with us for the car. Rachel was walking beside me now, still clutching her leopard, her fingers covered in rings. When Bam saw her, he threw his head back with laughter and I blushed a little.
"What did you do, Valo?" he laughed, catching her up in his arms and swinging her around. "She sparkles!" She grinned and I glared at his triumphant face.
"Well, she couldn't make up her mind," I said. "I just made it easier for her."
"Oh god," he said, laughing as he strapped her in her car seat. "I can already tell I'm gonna have to watch out or your going to spoil her rotten." He closed her door and then wrapped his arms around my waist. I glared at him, because wasn't I still mad at him? "Thanks babe, for taking her. I can tell she had a great time. And you did too, didn't you?"
"Hardly," I said, pushing him off. "Babysitting is not my thing, Bam." Bam just laughed and kissed me.
"I have a feeling it will be soon."
"I have a feeling you might just be slapped soon," I said, but I couldn't help smiling.
"HA! I see that smile! I win, I was right!" He hopped in the car and started driving out of the parking lot. "See, I knew my plan would work, Rach. I told you so."
"Plan? What plan?" I looked at him, bewildered, realization slowly dawning... of course. I knew it. He had set it all up. The conniving little bastard. He was going to get it, oooohhhh, he was going to get it so bad...
"Baby, you look like you just lost a million dollars. Cheer up a bit. You just needed some jolting into the realization that you love her."
"Do not."
"Do so."
"Do not."
"Do so."
"Do not.
"Do so do so do so," Bam sung, and Rachel soon joined in, and I put my hands to my ears, groaning. But they didn't stop, they kept on singing, until finally I had to give in.
"FINE, FINE, you were right, you were right, now shut up, or I'm dumping your ass and finding someone quieter. Jesus!" Right on cue, they both pouted at me, and I just had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I was laughing for the rest of the car ride, because of how strange it all was. Because he was right, I did like her. A lot. Now that I knew she wasn't a rabid child with attitude problems. She was, in fact, surprisingly well brought up, if you considered who her father was.
"Rachel, you look tired, you ready for bed?" Bam asked her when we got into my - our - apartment. She nodded, yawning wide. He swept her up and held her out to me. "Kiss Dada Willa good night then," Bam said, his eyes twinkling. My eyes widened.
"No fucking way, Bam. I'll be nice to her and I'll like her but if you make her call me fucking Dada Willa I swear, I'm leaving." Bam just laughed and kissed my indignant lips. His kiss was followed by one from Rachel, who then said, "Gnight, Willa," and I smiled and ruffled her hair. Bam grinned, so I slapped him hard on his ass before he carried her to herroom.
I was in bed by the time he was done with her, sitting on top of the covers, fully clothed, with a glass of wine in my hand, watching the news. Bam crawled over the bed and lay on his stomach in between my legs, his head propped up on his hands, just watching me.
"What do you want, asshole?" I asked, teasing him.
"Love you," he said.
"Yeah, well."
"Sorry I tricked you."
"You're forgiven," I said, winking at him, putting the glass of wine on the bedside table and pulling him further into my arms.
"Really?"
"Yeah... she's cute. She's kinda like you, but thankfully, not all the time." He stuck his tongue out at me and I laugh, kissing it before he can get it back in his mouth.
"I knew you'd love her."
"I just don't know how to handle kids, Bam," I said quietly, stroking his hair. He shrugged.
"Neither do I."
"We're fucked, then, aren't we? Jesus... she's going to turn out a mess..."
"Nahh." Bam shook his head. "She'll be perfect. We'll figure it out."
"Yeah..." I wasn’t so sure about that. Neither of us had any idea of how to raise a child. Especially a girl-child.
"Remember what you used to say, about never getting a chance at a family cuz you were gay? Back before us?" I nodded - I'd been drunk when this topic came up, very drunk, so drunk he was almost scared I'd poisoned myself, but I remembered talking about it. "You can have a family now," he said quietly, lacing our fingers together.
"You think so?"
"Well, I mean, yeah. We've got a kid, and a dad, and a mom..." He poked me and laughed, for which I swatted him across the head. "No, but seriously." I nodded.
"You don't think..."
"No, I don't think we're breaking up anytime soon, do you?"
"I should bloody well hope not," I said, pulling him close to me. I didn't let many people see it often, not even him, but I really was a true sop at heart, and I did love him with everything I could.
"So. See?" I nodded, grinning into his neck as he kissed my forehead. "Glad you forgave me," he said, kissing my head again.
"Yeah well, you have some promises to fulfill before complete forgiveness is bestowed."
"I do?" I chuckled and kissed him deeply.
"I seem to remember one particular promise... it went something like... Ville, I'll do anything, anything you want..." He groaned, but I could tell he was laughing underneath it. "Well... shall I tell you want I want, then?" His eyes twinkled as I leant over to outline in great detail just what exactly I wanted, and when I was finished he was breathless, scrambling around to switch off the baby monitor and to close - and lock - the door and shut the blinds and he even yanked the telephone wire from the wall, desperate that we get no interruption for at least a good 5 hours.
Genre:: Vam shorty
Rating:: R
Summary:: A trip to the zoo...
Notes:: This has been bugging me for ages. Bear with me, it's not amazing, but I just had to get it out of my head.
Zoo
"Vittu." Vittu, vittu, fucking vittu. I wanted to shout it at Bam's retreating back but I didn't dare, so I just hissed it under my breath - with just the same amount of feeling. In response, there was a tug at my middle finger, and I resented the sticky residue that was left there when the pressure was removed; even more I resented the baleful blue eyes that were looking up at me with confusion from next to my kneecap.
"Vittu," I said again, running my hand through my hair.
"Willa?” Growling to myself, I looked at the map in my hands. He'd marked out a path, and I was beginning to suspect more and more every minute that he'd planned this. The complete, utter, total fucking ...
I didn't have time to finish my thought, because there was that tugging again at my hand, and it wasn't like ignoring it would make it go away. Dammit, I thought, and knelt down.
"Yeah?"
"Where'd Dada go?" Good question, I thought, looking the 4 year old in the eyes for the first time since... well... ever.
"He had to go do business somewhere," I say. The blue eyes frowned, trying desperately to work something out.
"But the potties are over there." A chubby finger pointed in the direction where the 'potties' were, and I just rolled my eyes. Kids. Why couldn't they have brains?
"Yeah, Rach, not that kind of business. Like, he had to go work." Or something... he hadn't even told me where he was going. All I knew was that one minute we were walking down the path, the next he was on the phone behind me and Rach, speaking urgently and hurriedly into his phone. "But I told you I couldn't do that today! Yes... I understand that but..." There were a few frustrated noises, thrown in for effect, and then he slammed his phone shut and said, "Baby, I'm gonna have to go."
I could have shot him.
"You what?"
"I gotta go... stupid fucking..." He'd trailed off, muttering to himself, and then bent down in front of his daughter, who was sucking at her thumb avidly. "Rach, Dada's gotta go, but Willa can show you around the zoo, how does that sound? Would you like that, if Vil - I mean Willa took you to see the animals?"
"Wait just one second, buddy," I said, pointing my finger at him. "Don't go bringing 'Willa' into this. She's your daughter, you bring her around the zoo. I'll call whoever the fuck wants you to work and they can go get screwed. It's my damn video that you're working on, anyways."
Bam had just shaken his head, standing up and shrugging at me ruefully.
"I can't change it. The people from that animation company can only do today, and only do right now, and if we don’t do it now they're not free for another month."
"I'll make them free," I'd insisted, ignoring the two pairs of blue, pitiful eyes gazing up at me with pleading looks. God was cruel enough to give those eyes to one irresistible person. Manifesting them in his daughter was just one holy step way too fucking far. "Bam, fuck, I can't take care of a four year old! She'll get eaten by a lion or I’ll drop her and break her or something!"
Bam had laughed, and stood up to clutch at my hand like Rach was clutching at his. "Vil', baby, she's a four year old, not a porcelain doll. Four year olds bounce, they don't break. And there are no lions here. It's too cold." He'd used that voice... I hated that voice, it always made me do things I really didn't want to do. He'd used it to even get me on the island and in the zoo in the first place. That pleading, whining, pathetic and yet cocky voice that made me go weak at the knees. I hated that voice.
"Bam, seriously..." I'd tried to push him off but he clung even closer.
"Pleaseeee, Ville? Come on, her mom just died; give the kid a nice day." I glared at him. That was low, that was really, really low. He'd pulled that one on me to get me to come in the first place too. We'd just been sitting on the couch and I'd been looking forwards to a nice, uninterrupted day of sex, sex and probably more sex... before Rachel woke up and came running full speed into Bam's lap, pleading with him to take her to see the "Nanimals." I'd refused to go, and I was trying to stop him from going, but he got this weird look in his eyes and went all fatherly on my ass. "My daughter wants to go to the zoo then I'll take her to the goddamned zoo. You can come or you can stay, but her mother just died and I still think it'd be nice for you to at least try and give her a good time." I'd protested that her having a good time had nothing to do with me, she was his child, after all, and it wasn't my fault that her mother had died and landed her on the two of us; rather, it was his own fault for marrying the stupid cow in the first place, and then forgetting to use a condom, and only then realizing that the only person he really loved was, in fact, me. Cue huge lawsuit, suing for divorce, uproar in the press... and then relative happiness. As much happiness as you can get, living on two different continents. Bam couldn't live with me because he had to help with Rachel every now and then and I couldn't live over there with him because of the band. But besides that, it was happy. And then Missy unceremoniously kicked the bucket and landed the four year old on Bam. All the responsibility was on him... and he seemed to think that I was somehow included in that equation.
"Willa?" Shit. I'd done it again, daydreaming; in the middle of the goddamned zoo, too.
"Yeah?"
"Are we gonna see the nanimals?" I sighed. Bam'd begged and pleaded and had even pressed his gorgeous little body against me, promising whatever I wanted from him, just to take the poor kid along the route that he'd already drawn out on the map. "You don't even have to do anything. Just follow the red line, and stop where there are X's... it's not that hard, please, baby. Just this once?" I swear, he must have taught Rachel how to use those eyes that he gave her, because I found something inside of me weakening at the sight of that sad, hurt puppy dog face looking up at me from the vicinity of my knees.
"Yeah, yeah, we'll go see the animals," I said, shaking myself and hoping that no-one would recognize me. A bit of a pointless hope, but there it was. I just really didn't want the paparazzi getting a picture of me, Ville Valo, hardened rock god, pushing a baby carriage around the zoo. It wouldn't do anything for my untouchable ice-god image, so perfectly molded after so many years.
I followed the path Bam had marked out on the map, only getting lost a couple times. I hated zoos. I was by no means an animal rights activist, but I still thought it was a weird habit people had, putting animals in cages so they could stare at them. How would we like it if someone put us in a cage and then stared at us all day? Not so much, I think.
I walked slowly behind the hyperactive flash of curls, pushing the carriage in front of me, lost in my thoughts again, still in denial that I was actually doing this. In all honesty, if, 3 years ago, I had realized that getting involved with Bam would eventually mean living in the same house as a child, I would probably not have done it. I'd have made myself forget my stupid obsession with him and then none of this would have happened. Of course, when Bam called me to tell me about Missy's accident, I felt bad for the poor girl, because she was my age, and I certainly knew that I wasn't ready to die. I'd gone to the funeral, all the time feeling that I shouldn't be there, as myself and Missy hadn't exactly parted on the best terms - not that I blamed her for her hatred; I'd hate me too if I waltzed in and stole my husband away from under my nose - and I didn't think she'd want me at her funeral. I didn't really want to be there, but Bam had insisted, because he claimed he needed the moral support. Which he probably did; he was pretty damned shook up by the whole thing, I'll tell you that. I got many a hateful glare from Missy's family members as I stood gripping Bam's hand, but I did my best to ignore it. It was only after that, and after Bam and I had made the arrangements for his stuff to be shipped to Helsinki, that I realized that Bam coming over meant Rachel coming over too.
Rachel... shit... I realized she wasn't skipping beside the baby carriage anymore. Where was she? Fuck, fuck, fuck, did I lose her? I looked around and then I saw her bouncy brown curls a little ways ahead.
"Hey, uh... don't... you know... go too far ahead!" I called out, and Rachel stopped and turned around, grinning, running back to my side and tugging at my pants.
"What?" I asked, glaring down at her.
"I wanna see the nanimals," she said. Then I realized we'd just been walking past the enclosures, and she couldn't see from her two foot high vantage point, or however tall - or short - she was. Not that the view was very interesting, I thought, but that was why we were here, right?
"Oh, right." I pushed the contraption up to the side of one of the enclosures and leant against the fence, glad for a rest from walking.
"Willa, I can't see! Wanna see the nanimals!" Dammit, I was going to have to lift her up. I grabbed her beneath her arms and hoisted her up into the air. "Oooh," she crooned, and giggled, pointing at the animal, a kind of white... leopard... type... thing. Snow leopard, or whatever.
She loved it, apparently, and I stood there dangling her in the air until my arms threatened to give out and I began to be scared that I would drop her in the leopard pit. Bam would kill me with his bare hands. For some reason, he adored this snot-nosed, dirty, obnoxious bundle of curls. Guess it's that whole "Oh look, I brought this thing into the world I'm going to devote the rest of my life to it" complex. I never did get that. Mind, I didn't get most of the protocol for straight people. Especially the part where men liked women. It made no sense. Why like something so ... weird... when you could have something so familiar and goddamned gorgeous? Bam's marriage was a perfect example of this. Or perhaps not, but anyways, he realized - oh, I'd say about nine months too late - that he'd made a huge mistake and that Missy was a complete harpy.
Blind fuck, I say, but whatever. He made the right decision in the end.
When Rachel tired of looking at the leopard - an intensely boring and lazy animal, just sitting there on her rock - she clambered down my body and into the baby carriage, insisting that she be pushed around. We saw rabbits and horses and reindeer - sadly, not Santa, but I had to explain that he was busy making presents for next Christmas, which was why he wasn't taking care of "Donner", which story I had been drilled in by Bam, because he seemed to think Santa was crucial for the development of any child. We saw birds, which were so ugly that Rachel cried and I admit I wanted to too - but not because of the birds: because she wouldn't stop howling, until finally I took her into the Amazon house, and she was fascinated by the snakes and the frogs. The monkeys even made me laugh, but by the time we got out of that house, I was burning up with the heat of it - unnatural to us Finns - and dying for a fag. Of the tobacco variety, since I was still very thoroughly angry with Bam.
I had to have one, I just had to. There had to be somewhere that you could have a cigarette on the damned island. Finally, I found the answer. I stuck Rachel - squirming and struggling - in the carriage and pushed her as fast as I could towards the playground. Once there, I released her from her confines and stubbornly ignored her tears.
"Just... go... play. Or whatever." I shooed her towards the structure, teeming with other small hellions, and sank onto a bench feeling only a little bit guilty and pulled out my cigarette package, lighting up shakily, heaving a huge sigh as the nicotine rushed to my poor trembling extremities. However, the delight was short lived, because soon a hefty woman came marching towards me, her hands on her hips, her eyes livid with fire.
"Put that out," she demanded. I took the cigarette away from my lips and surveyed her from head to toe. Sadly, there is no other word for it... hefty is the only one that can be used to describe her.
"Why? There aren't any signs that say I can't."
"I know that," she said. "But there are little children around. Babies. Do you want them getting lung cancer before they reach puberty?!" I rolled my eyes and took another drag on the cigarette. God that was good. However, she was having none of it. She grabbed the cigarette from my hand and dashed it to the floor, crushing it under her heel. I glared up at her.
"You know, I think I might do more damage than lung cancer if I don't have a cigarette. You try dealing with a four year old all day." Again, the hefty lady was having none of that either.
"I have three," she said, as if I was pathetic for only having one. "Triplets. And do you see me clutching to a cigarette to get myself through? No. I don't care if you're a rock star or whatever you are, I'm not letting you give my children lung cancer. You can do what you like with your own."
I glared some more, and my hands were shaking again. I was about to say something cutting and rude, but a piercing cry cut the air and I realized I'd heard it before when Bam had done something that upset Rachel.
"Vittu," I said, earning another stern glare from the lady, and leapt up to find out what was wrong, imagining all the things Bam would do to me if she was hurt. The sight that I was greeted with, however, made me want to tear my hair out in frustration. As soon as I reached the place where Rachel was lying on the ground, splayed out and apparently unconscious, another child hurled himself on the ground next to him, a blood curdling cry splitting from his throat. After he'd lay still on the grass for a few seconds, their little bodies started shaking with laughter. They were having a dying competition.
Enough was bloody enough.
Grabbing Rachel by the pudgy hand, I dragged her out of the mud she was lying in and out of the playground again.
"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, anywhere, out of there. Are you hungry or something?" It was lunchtime by now, and my own stomach was grumbling. Absentmindedly, I wondered whether or not they sold vodka in the restaurant. I really needed something to keep the monster headache that was threatening on the horizon at bay, and alcohol seemed the next best thing after ditching the four year old in the leopard cage.
Once I'd managed to figure out what she wanted to eat, realized that I had to cut everything for her and basically do everything short of put the food in her mouth and chew it for her, I just wanted someone to kill me there and then.
Then my cell phone rang in my pocket. I didn't even need to look at the caller I.D. I flipped it open and slammed it to my ear.
"You fucking, fucking asshole," I hissed down it, hoping that Rachel hadn't heard. Of course, she did, but she didn't know what it was I'd just said, so she was happy to ignore it.
He had the gall to laugh at my explosion. I swear, had he been near me, I'd have ripped pieces of him out with my fingernails.
"Not going so well?"
"No," I hissed.
"Is she not behaving?" I thought about that. Had she misbehaved?
"Well.... no..."
"Good. So what's up then?"
"Oh, I don't know... I'm trailing around an island full of animals in cages with a four year old, getting weird looks wherever I go... that seem to ring a bell?" Bam just laughed.
"What, are people shocked to see Ville Valo has a heart?"
"Hey, watch it, I'll just chuck your kid into the leopard pit and you can dive in and rescue her or whatever if you're not careful."
"Ville..." That was his warning voice. That was the voice that meant, okay, right now I'm not playing around, so you better damn well be serious with me or I'll put a frog in your bed.
"Sorry, sorry... but I can't believe you LEFT!"
"Sorry, baby, I tried to get out of it."
"Not hard enou - what the hell are you doing!?" I was addressing Rachel, who had decided that she would make a picture on the table with mashed potatoes. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food!?" I grabbed the spoon from her hands and pulled her away from the plate of potatoes. Bam was laughing so hard on the other end of the phone that I thought he might explode... and I thought I might just kill him the next time I saw him.
"I hate you," I mumbled down the phone, trying to clean her face with a napkin. This turned out to be a two hand job, so I had to hang up on Bam - he probably didn't even notice, he was still laughing so hard - to grab her face with one hand and wipe her mouth with the other. The mischievous look of satisfaction on her face reminded me so much of Bam that I wanted to hug her for it - oddly - or strangle her for it because it was exactly the face I knew he'd be making right this second.
Asshole.
I downed my coke and strapped Rachel back into the carriage. She looked full, and happy, and she was quiet as I pushed her towards the aquarium... it was only once we got inside that I realized she was actually asleep.
"Oh thank the lord," I said, and sat down on the first bench that I found, facing a big huge tank full of thousands of little colorful fish. I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and stuck the headphones in my ears, letting my hair fall in front of my face so that no-one would recognize me. And then I just sat there, watching the fish.... and occasionally, watching the four year old in the carriage, who was simply a mess of long brown curls and pink cheeks and chubby little fingers. I guess I could have left, but she was so excited about the fish...
It was weird to see my own face staring back at me from the back of someone's shirt - a teenaged boy - as he was dragged through the aquarium behind a procession of people, his family, I assume, on one of those proverbial family outings. Was that what this would have been if Bam hadn't run away? I snorted at the thought - a family? Me? Ha. Haha. I loved Bam to pieces, but I never thought we'd start a family. He'd tried and failed. The little bundle of curls in front of me was proof... wasn't it? My snort made her wake up, and she grinned when she saw me through her bleary blue eyes.
"Morning," I said, sarcastically, and she laughed. And then she was struggling to get out to see the 'fishes, Willa, fishes!'
We spent way too long in there. She wanted to watch the sharks get fed, but then she ran screaming away from the window every single time one swam past, ten times bigger than her, and she would fall on her backside and laugh to herself once she realized that there was glass - and then she was back at the window, and the whole thing would start over again. It was ridiculous and somewhat stupid, but she had everyone else there in fits of laughter, and even I had a small smile on my face and chuckled once or twice. Then we went around the whole aquarium again, because she wanted to, and then finally we went back out into the zoo again.
By this time, we'd done the whole of Bam's little route thing. Rachel was happily singing to herself as she walked alongside me, and I had to laugh when I realized she was singing one of my songs. Trust Bam to rear his children on HIM.
"Can we go in there Willa?" She pointed at the shop, and I nodded, smiling. Shopping - something I could do, finally! I left the baby carriage outside, and followed her curly head through the swinging doors. Zoo stores are always exceedingly cheesy and full of shit, but Rach was entranced. I followed her from aisle to aisle, shelf to shelf, setting right what she tipped over and laughing at her incessant commentary. She was so much like Bam it was ridiculous, and then again... she wasn't. For instance, Bam never spent this much time in a store, unless it had to do with skateboards. Or music.
Suddenly, she stopped in font of something that had caught her eye. A little rack of very tacky rings, but they sparkled, and I think that's what caught her eye.
"Willa, look! Pretty!" She pointed at the rings and I bent down to help her put them on her little fingers. She giggled and grinned at the way they sparkled, her bright blue eyes wide with pleasure.
"Want one, Rach?" She looked at me, shocked, and then nodded. I couldn't help smiling as I knelt next to her. "Which one? The one with the leopard? Or the one with the fish? Or the pink one?"
She just stared at them all, picking each one up and fingering it - much to the shopkeeper's dismay - and then putting it back down in favor of another one... she just couldn't make her mind up. Eventually, I got impatient, and just picked up the whole box and handed it to the lady behind the counter.
"What, you want the whole thing? All of them?" I nodded, and then knelt next to the wide-eyed little girl again.
"Is that it, Rach?" She nodded, but then I remembered the one thing that had really caught her eye, and strode quickly over to get it from the shelf, handing it to the lady.
"That too," I said, frowning at my own benevolence. Why was I buying the smelly brat presents? But when I looked down at her happy little face when she clutched the plush leopard that was almost as big as she was, I kind of realized my own motives. I loved making those blue eyes sparkle. And she had been a good kid... and... well. She was kind of cute.
"Ready to go, Rach?" I asked, and she nodded, climbing sleepily back into her carriage. I managed to navigate us out of the Zoo and back to Helsinki, where Bam was waiting with us for the car. Rachel was walking beside me now, still clutching her leopard, her fingers covered in rings. When Bam saw her, he threw his head back with laughter and I blushed a little.
"What did you do, Valo?" he laughed, catching her up in his arms and swinging her around. "She sparkles!" She grinned and I glared at his triumphant face.
"Well, she couldn't make up her mind," I said. "I just made it easier for her."
"Oh god," he said, laughing as he strapped her in her car seat. "I can already tell I'm gonna have to watch out or your going to spoil her rotten." He closed her door and then wrapped his arms around my waist. I glared at him, because wasn't I still mad at him? "Thanks babe, for taking her. I can tell she had a great time. And you did too, didn't you?"
"Hardly," I said, pushing him off. "Babysitting is not my thing, Bam." Bam just laughed and kissed me.
"I have a feeling it will be soon."
"I have a feeling you might just be slapped soon," I said, but I couldn't help smiling.
"HA! I see that smile! I win, I was right!" He hopped in the car and started driving out of the parking lot. "See, I knew my plan would work, Rach. I told you so."
"Plan? What plan?" I looked at him, bewildered, realization slowly dawning... of course. I knew it. He had set it all up. The conniving little bastard. He was going to get it, oooohhhh, he was going to get it so bad...
"Baby, you look like you just lost a million dollars. Cheer up a bit. You just needed some jolting into the realization that you love her."
"Do not."
"Do so."
"Do not."
"Do so."
"Do not.
"Do so do so do so," Bam sung, and Rachel soon joined in, and I put my hands to my ears, groaning. But they didn't stop, they kept on singing, until finally I had to give in.
"FINE, FINE, you were right, you were right, now shut up, or I'm dumping your ass and finding someone quieter. Jesus!" Right on cue, they both pouted at me, and I just had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I was laughing for the rest of the car ride, because of how strange it all was. Because he was right, I did like her. A lot. Now that I knew she wasn't a rabid child with attitude problems. She was, in fact, surprisingly well brought up, if you considered who her father was.
"Rachel, you look tired, you ready for bed?" Bam asked her when we got into my - our - apartment. She nodded, yawning wide. He swept her up and held her out to me. "Kiss Dada Willa good night then," Bam said, his eyes twinkling. My eyes widened.
"No fucking way, Bam. I'll be nice to her and I'll like her but if you make her call me fucking Dada Willa I swear, I'm leaving." Bam just laughed and kissed my indignant lips. His kiss was followed by one from Rachel, who then said, "Gnight, Willa," and I smiled and ruffled her hair. Bam grinned, so I slapped him hard on his ass before he carried her to herroom.
I was in bed by the time he was done with her, sitting on top of the covers, fully clothed, with a glass of wine in my hand, watching the news. Bam crawled over the bed and lay on his stomach in between my legs, his head propped up on his hands, just watching me.
"What do you want, asshole?" I asked, teasing him.
"Love you," he said.
"Yeah, well."
"Sorry I tricked you."
"You're forgiven," I said, winking at him, putting the glass of wine on the bedside table and pulling him further into my arms.
"Really?"
"Yeah... she's cute. She's kinda like you, but thankfully, not all the time." He stuck his tongue out at me and I laugh, kissing it before he can get it back in his mouth.
"I knew you'd love her."
"I just don't know how to handle kids, Bam," I said quietly, stroking his hair. He shrugged.
"Neither do I."
"We're fucked, then, aren't we? Jesus... she's going to turn out a mess..."
"Nahh." Bam shook his head. "She'll be perfect. We'll figure it out."
"Yeah..." I wasn’t so sure about that. Neither of us had any idea of how to raise a child. Especially a girl-child.
"Remember what you used to say, about never getting a chance at a family cuz you were gay? Back before us?" I nodded - I'd been drunk when this topic came up, very drunk, so drunk he was almost scared I'd poisoned myself, but I remembered talking about it. "You can have a family now," he said quietly, lacing our fingers together.
"You think so?"
"Well, I mean, yeah. We've got a kid, and a dad, and a mom..." He poked me and laughed, for which I swatted him across the head. "No, but seriously." I nodded.
"You don't think..."
"No, I don't think we're breaking up anytime soon, do you?"
"I should bloody well hope not," I said, pulling him close to me. I didn't let many people see it often, not even him, but I really was a true sop at heart, and I did love him with everything I could.
"So. See?" I nodded, grinning into his neck as he kissed my forehead. "Glad you forgave me," he said, kissing my head again.
"Yeah well, you have some promises to fulfill before complete forgiveness is bestowed."
"I do?" I chuckled and kissed him deeply.
"I seem to remember one particular promise... it went something like... Ville, I'll do anything, anything you want..." He groaned, but I could tell he was laughing underneath it. "Well... shall I tell you want I want, then?" His eyes twinkled as I leant over to outline in great detail just what exactly I wanted, and when I was finished he was breathless, scrambling around to switch off the baby monitor and to close - and lock - the door and shut the blinds and he even yanked the telephone wire from the wall, desperate that we get no interruption for at least a good 5 hours.