Is it night again?
There were murders. I dreamed them before they happened but it doesn't matter--I could not stop them. I could not stop my own.
Two months now I've been in the village and every day is a little bit harder. I do not wish to dwell on things but my mind goes there. Every morning when I wake, the first thing I think of is 'what happened'. I wonder who hit me and is that a fire? No, it never is. It's only Boromir in our room at the hotel. The dreams don't happen. Some of them happened, some of them I only saw. Some are just nightmares based on those things.
I eat breakfast with my brother before his work. I wrote a little. I read a little. I feel cold and dirty all the time and spend much too much time in the shower. I went shopping and bought a plain t-shirt that I can wear with the sweatpants. I have the correct sort of shoes to exercise in. I have something to swim in though I do not know that I dare--what if there are women there?
I spend too much time trying to get clean when I know it's useless. Sometimes I can feel the stinging in my eyes when I enter the room. Before the water is on, I'm trying to hold myself together. I bought a candle so that I can turn the overbright light off and sit in the hot darkness and still see when I emerge. I get headaches and vomit from the pain. I cry until I'm sick and do it again the next day. Boromir's at work--he must not see.
I don't go out much but today I simply had to. Put on my clothing, took my cloak, and went out. I shouldn't have come out here because I can feel that stinging again. Not out where anyone might see. Going toward the woods--perhaps Richard hides there still, not that I want him to see. I'm worried. Maybe... Maybe he's gone again.
I didn't want to die but, having had the experience, I wish somehow that I could find peace. Is there peace in the Halls of Mandos? This is not the afterlife as I know it. This is just another place and I exist. I remember every day and I move forward each day and I have never felt this way before. Something has to change but I don't know how to make it better.
There's a log I can sit on. I just can't go any farther. And I can't go back.
Open. Was hoping to wait until after my show next week but he can't hold it together any longer. I have no idea how he'll react to anything.
Two months now I've been in the village and every day is a little bit harder. I do not wish to dwell on things but my mind goes there. Every morning when I wake, the first thing I think of is 'what happened'. I wonder who hit me and is that a fire? No, it never is. It's only Boromir in our room at the hotel. The dreams don't happen. Some of them happened, some of them I only saw. Some are just nightmares based on those things.
I eat breakfast with my brother before his work. I wrote a little. I read a little. I feel cold and dirty all the time and spend much too much time in the shower. I went shopping and bought a plain t-shirt that I can wear with the sweatpants. I have the correct sort of shoes to exercise in. I have something to swim in though I do not know that I dare--what if there are women there?
I spend too much time trying to get clean when I know it's useless. Sometimes I can feel the stinging in my eyes when I enter the room. Before the water is on, I'm trying to hold myself together. I bought a candle so that I can turn the overbright light off and sit in the hot darkness and still see when I emerge. I get headaches and vomit from the pain. I cry until I'm sick and do it again the next day. Boromir's at work--he must not see.
I don't go out much but today I simply had to. Put on my clothing, took my cloak, and went out. I shouldn't have come out here because I can feel that stinging again. Not out where anyone might see. Going toward the woods--perhaps Richard hides there still, not that I want him to see. I'm worried. Maybe... Maybe he's gone again.
I didn't want to die but, having had the experience, I wish somehow that I could find peace. Is there peace in the Halls of Mandos? This is not the afterlife as I know it. This is just another place and I exist. I remember every day and I move forward each day and I have never felt this way before. Something has to change but I don't know how to make it better.
There's a log I can sit on. I just can't go any farther. And I can't go back.
Open. Was hoping to wait until after my show next week but he can't hold it together any longer. I have no idea how he'll react to anything.