FIC: Binders full of women. (Charles/Nathan, PG-13)

Feb 28, 2013 14:16

(So sorry for the lack of gift yesterday!  Was having a bit of trouble with LJ; but it seems to be all better now.)

Well, February is over, and that means we're in the home stretch, guys - look for the last couple gifts next week, followed by the Big Reveal!  Till then, here's a hilarious comedy fic for you to enjoy:

TO: seashadows
FROM: homicidaltyger

Title- Binders full of women.
Pairings- Nathan/Charles, implied Charles/Pickles, Pickles/Murderface sort of
Rating- pg 13ish
Warnings- General nonsense, swearing
Timeline- Could be anytime really.
Summary- Toki shows Nathan a picture on the internet. Nathan is upset.


Charles was sitting at his desk, not terribly busy for once. Sitting, casually glancing at financial statements, enjoying a glass of brandy. He was feeling very calm, all things considered. It wasn’t very often he had the opportunity to relax while he worked. Charles was aware that most people found work stressful, most people did not find pleasure in their day to day work schedule.
If he was being honest, there were times he wondered what on earth he was doing with his life. Sitting in this office, the manager of the most brutal band in the history of the world. But Charles was rarely honest, and so tonight he was content to sit quietly and enjoy himself, checking and rechecking numbers, scribbling notes here and there. If he kept it up he might even watch a little tv before he went to bed. He might even catch Chopped if he was lucky.

Later, he would realize that he really should have known better.
##

“Hey Natens, could you explains this to mes?”

Nathan looked away from the tv, irritated.

“Fuck, Toki, what, I’m watching Chopped. You know how I feel about Chopped.” If Toki made him miss the dessert round Nathan was going to punch him. Probably in the face.

“Reals quick, I found this on the internets and had one questions. What ams a binder?”

Toki shoved his laptop in Nathan's face, pointing to an image. Nathan squinted at it, fuck, where were his glasses, stupid Toki - why were the words so small?

“Uhhhh, that’s. Wait. What does he mean, he has binders full of women? Who the fuck is this guy? I’ve got way more binders than he does, look at him!”

“You gots the binders fulls of woman toos? But Natens, what ams a binder!”  Nathan could see Toki was getting frustrated, fuck, better head off that tantrum.

“Shit, you have them too I know you do. It’s, uhhh, that thing you use to keep track of how many sluts you’ve fucked.”

Toki’s face brightened in understanding. “Oh, you means a trappers keeper fulls of pictures! Yeah I has those, I didn’t know they was the same as binders. Do you think he has mores than us?”

“The fuck he does, that’s bullshit. Toki, tell everyone, band meeting, bring the binders. No fucking way is this guy going to beat us, hurry the hell up.”

Nathan looked longingly at the TV before heading to his room to grab his own binders. That had been a really good episode too, fuck. Maybe there would be a re-run later.
##

Nathan sat at the head of the meeting table, glasses perched on the end of his nose. This was serious shit, he needed to look serious.

“Ok  guys, look. This asshole on the internet says he has binders full of women, and it pisses me off. We need to show him that uhh...we have more than he does, or something. Yeah. So fucking count all the pictures of sluts in your binders.”

Pickles looked at the boxes of binders behind Skwisgaar's chair skeptically. “Ah dude, I don’t think any of us can even count that high. I’m too drunk to count that high, Nathan, I want you to know that.”

“Well who schaid we had to count, no one here needsch to count schit, we all know we’ve had tonsch of poontang, right guyschs, am I right?”

Skwisgaar scoffed, fingers flying over his guitar. “Wells, we ams all knowing exacticalies how much you have had, which ams none. Besides, if we wants to see who has the most, I think yous knows who it is.”

Murderface spluttered, outraged. “Well thatsch jusct, who do you think you are, -!”

“Woah dude, cahlm down, Christ. Nathan, this is naht how we should be doing this. I gaht an idea, lets get some booze in here and get drunk and look through all of em, okay? Make a party out of it!”

Nathan glowered, this was supposed to be serious, fuck Pickles why can’t you be serious.

“Oh wowie, Pickle, that’s a great ideas!” Toki clapped imperiously at a nearby klokateer. “Brings us the booze and snacks, we ams in need of them. Hurries up!”

“Fuck, Toki, this isn’t even your thing, SHUT UP, IT’S MY THING, OKAY. But uh yeah, bring lots of booze. And uh, snacks. Yeah.”
##

Counting the sluts quickly became a drunken game of who banged the hottest chick, and so far, Skwisgaar was winning.

“Dooooood naht....that’s naht fair he’s fucked so many more sluts, the numbers are skewed. Skeeeeeeeewed......heh, that’s a pretty fun word to say. Skeeewed....”

Nathan struggled to focus on Pickles, who was dancing around the room. “Hey, uhh, Pickles, Pickles. Who uh, what’s the best, no. The uhhh...most...best...chick you banged. I mean you know you...back in the day I mean, fuck. You know?”

Pickles twirled back to his chair, reaching across the table for the last bottle of vodka.

“Well thaaaaat is a very good questions Nathan, because I. I have no fuckin’ clue. Huh. No wait....it’s coming back to me hang on.....” Pickles was frowning in concentration, tilting his chair back as he thought.

“Waaaaaait....waaaait, maybe..... nope.” Pickles tumbled out of his chair laughing, not at all bothered by the irritated look on Nathan's face.

“Well, fine, Pickles, that’s just fucking fine. Skwisgaar! Toss me that binder fucknotsofast!” Nathan managed to catch it before it broke his nose, but it was a close thing. Farther down the table Skwisgaar smirked at him before returning his attention to Toki, who was showing off his own binders with drunken enthusiasm.

“Fucking asshole.” Nathan glanced at Pickles, making sure he was occupied before he opened the binder.  Pickles had been creeping over his shoulder every time he opened one, it was irritating.

Pickles was very occupied, chasing Murderface around the conference room with...Nathan squinted, the fuck did Pickles have in his hand. A banana. Pickles was chasing Murderface with a banana. Ok, that’s, alright.

Nathan focused his attention on the binder in front of him, flipping pages at random. He had thought it was one of Skwisgaar's, but it looked likes Pickles’s handwriting. Didn’t matter, Nathan was getting bored anyway. Looked pretty old though, full of crappy polaroids. He took a pull from a random bottle on the table as he turned the page, and then everything stopped. Suddenly, Nathan couldn’t breathe.

That was a guy. That was a guy’s face and he had guy clothes and ok, Pickles was in a glam metal band in the 80’s he knew that but that was a guy and holy fuck he knew that guy.

He was younger but, fuck, he would know that face anywhere, he saw that face everywhere everyday because that was Charles. Pickles had fucked Charles, and holy shit that was just not fair.

“Heya, Nathan, whatcha got there!” Pickles leaned over Nathan's shoulder, snatching the binder out of his hands.

“FUCK, PICKLES, GIVE THAT BACK, I WASN’T DONE!”

Pickles danced out of Nathans reach, grinning. “Well, I don’t know why you want to keep this one so baaaaad Nathan, what were you lookin at, huh? See something you liiiiiike?”

“God, Pickles, just, god you are such an asshole! Fuck this, I’m leaving, you’re being fucking mean!” Nathan stormed out of the room, fully intent on sulking in his room. Stupid Pickles, stupid Charles, stupid everything.

Wait. Stupid Charles, this was his fault! If he wasn’t so....Charles then Nathan wouldn’t be upset at all, what an asshole!

Nathan took off down the hall, headed for Charles's office.
##

Pickles waited until Nathan stormed out before he looked at the others.

“Dood, guys, I think it fuckin’ worked!”

“Well it ams beings about times, I was getting pretties sick of Nathan moonsing over the butlers man, pfft, what a dildoes.”  Skwisgaar swanned out of the room, looking pleased.

Pickles rolled his eyes, what a douche. “Okey, let’s get back to....well, fuck, Toki you drank the last of the booze- aw crap he can’t even hear me, passed out, what a douchebag! C’mon Murderface, let’s go get some snacks or something, I gaht the munchies.”

“Uhh yeah juscht one sec, real quick, have to do schomething.”  Pickles watched, amused, as Murderface crept toward Toki. “Picklesch come give me a hand, let’sch pantsch him before he wakesch up.”

Pickles grinned, delighted. “Oh fuck yeah, he’s been a little shit all week. Gahd, you are such a bitch, I love it.” They made quick work of it, Toki was too out of it to notice anything.

“Where should we hide em?”

Murderface frowned, considering their options. “Schkwisgaarsch room, yeah.”

“And whhyyyy will we hide ‘em in Skwisgaar's room?”

Murderface hesitated. “Becausch....becausch he’sch a douschbag?”

Pickles slung his arm around the bassists shoulder, giggling. “That is right, he is a douchbag. C’mon, let’s hide the pants. You wanna come back to my room and watch one of those lame war documentaries? There’s a good one on tonight.” He cast a sly look at Murderface, “You know I always fall asleep, and you can molest me if yah want.”

“Well if thatsch what you want to do Picklesch, I’m fine with it.”
##

Charles stepped out of the shower, briskly towel drying his hair.

He crossed the room to his tiny kitchen, thinking that he might make a bit of popcorn to snack on while he watched TV.

“Uhhhhh....hey.”

Charles squeaked, spinning around to face Nathan. “What are you doing in here Nathan!”

“I just uh...did you just, you know you sound like a mouse, right? Your voice is uh, all...mousey.” Nathan was sitting on the couch, looking uncomfortable.

Charles took a deep breath, trying to calm down. There was no point yelling, yelling never helped, except when it made him feel better but no. No yelling.

“Can I ah, help you Nathan?” Charles crossed his arms over his chest, wishing he had thought to put his robe on before he left the bathroom. At least he had pants on, thank god for small favors.

Nathan fidgeted, looking nervous. “Well uh we were, drinking and. I saw, uh, you. You’re picture. In, uh one of the... slut binders and....Charles, you fucked Pickles and I’m upset, okay, god!”

Charles pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. He was getting a headache, all he had wanted to do was relax, but no. “You ah, came up here in the middle of the night and scared the hell out of me so you could accuse me of ah, what exactly. Sleeping with Pickles? Is that what you’re doing?”

Nathan glared, and Charles sighed again. “It’s not really any of your business, Nathan. Now can we just-”

“No! It is my business, ok?! Because..... uhhh...Because I said so, yeah!”

Charles stared at Nathan, thinking. He tried to think of any way he could avoid this, he had been having such a nice night. He came up with several plans and cast them aside just as quickly, because there was no point trying to plan anything with Nathan sitting there, Nathan ruined plans.

Charles took a deep breath, speaking quickly before he had a chance to change his mind. “Well, Nathan, I’m not going to say I didn’t because I ah, did. It happened a very long time ago, and if you are going to be ridiculous about it I would rather we wait until tomorrow, because I’m having a nice night.” Charles paused, making sure that Nathan wasn’t going to interrupt him.

“Now, I’m going to make popcorn and watch Chopped. You can stay, ah, if you like.” He rushed saying the last part, because Nathan sitting in his apartment was starting to make him think really inappropriate things.

Nathan was still glaring, but he didn’t seem as upset. “You uh, you like Chopped? I was uh, watching it earlier. I could...uhhhhh, I could stay. Because I like that show, not because, uh. Yeah.”

“Well. That’s- that’s good. Ok.”

Charles made popcorn, and he made Nathan scoot over on the couch so he could actually sit down. He was still nervous, because he was sitting next to Nathan, Nathan who was probably drunk and who couldn’t possibly know that Charles was thinking inappropriate things.

He was still worrying about things when he felt Nathans hand drop across his shoulders. He glanced up, startled again, but Nathan was very obviously not looking at him. Charles grinned, suddenly giddy. Well if it was going to be like that, he thought he could manage.

He tucked his feet up and leaned against Nathan, thinking that really, his night had ended pretty well, all things considered.

gifts: charles/nathan, gifts: *fic, made for seashadows, gifts: *rated pg-13, made by homicidaltyger

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