try to come back to it in a couple weeks and trim it. a little careful trimming, not overboard. other than that it feels like a nice accurate piece of suburban summer. (although spose there's no reason this couldn't be set in the country or city)
and speaking as a sucker for temperature descriptions, especially when there are shifts, this was sweet to read.
Alright, I am a veteran of poetry workshops and not used to making critique online. I'm going to try my best, but my apologies in advance if my critique comes off as confusing or poorly formed. I think I'm going to try going stanza by stanza
( ... )
as far as I know you did quite well I'm new to this group but have been on another well known site for quite some time and by the standards there this is very well done. Your feedback helped alot, thanks for the stanza by stanza, I know that takes a lot of time. Thank you for your time. :)
A/N: I'm not sure about the verbs, however here is a rewrite trimming down and including as many of the wonderfful suggestions given here as I could figure out how to work in and not lose what I was trying to convey hopefully it will make my thoughts here clearer for the reader. About the grammar This is an area I have some problems with so if you could be more specific that would be great for me. I love sentance fragments and I never know if I've used them so if that's the case please let me know. :)
Edit 1
The hot tub was definitely too hot.
My veins pulse with blood flooding my limbs, swelling them rushing into my temples,
The glass is cool, the wind outside. Pushes inside, sounds like the door is partly open. The small window behind my head wobbles with the force of air
Every turn, makes the door shake a little more, every time, my weight is pushed against the padded arm rest. Deep breath in let it out again. slowly.
The lights wear halos, watching over, cars speeding down the Street.
I would lose "definitely" or rephrase it? it's too weak, it brings it down to teen-speak. "man that hot tub was -definitely- too hot".
Between "swelling them" and "rushing into my temples" you'd need some sort of punctuation? The "blood" might be "flooding" but "them" rarely are "rushing". (since you are using other punctuation)
I might break the next stanza differently:
The glass is cool, The wind outside Rushes inside, sounds like The door is partly open.
And then continuing, but yours, not mine. Similarly, I'd probably (over-)emphasize the repetition...
Every turn makes the door shake more, Every time, my weight is pushed...
And why a comma after "over"? they watch "over cars", yes? "Street" shouldn't be capitalized.
Really, I can't figure out what hot tubs have to do with her being in a car. The first version was long enough that I accepted it, but the shorter version makes it more confusing. Maybe one line of transition?
Overall... I love it. Very, very nice imagery, especially the ending. ^_^
Comments 7
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I don't mind the locale changes - I actually like them.
I would also work on your spacing and line breaks. Part of me thinks this would be better if it weren't as choppy and had more of a smooth flow.
Cool choice of subject :)
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and speaking as a sucker for temperature descriptions, especially when there are shifts, this was sweet to read.
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Edit 1
The hot tub was definitely too hot.
My veins pulse with blood
flooding my limbs, swelling them
rushing into my temples,
The glass is cool, the wind outside.
Pushes inside, sounds like the door
is partly open.
The small window behind my head
wobbles with the force of air
Every turn, makes the door
shake a little more, every time,
my weight is pushed against the padded arm rest.
Deep breath in
let it out again.
slowly.
The lights wear halos, watching over,
cars speeding down the Street.
The door won’t fly open tonight.
Reply
Between "swelling them" and "rushing into my temples" you'd need some sort of punctuation? The "blood" might be "flooding" but "them" rarely are "rushing". (since you are using other punctuation)
I might break the next stanza differently:
The glass is cool,
The wind outside
Rushes inside, sounds like
The door is partly open.
And then continuing, but yours, not mine. Similarly, I'd probably (over-)emphasize the repetition...
Every turn makes the door shake more,
Every time, my weight is pushed...
And why a comma after "over"? they watch "over cars", yes? "Street" shouldn't be capitalized.
Really, I can't figure out what hot tubs have to do with her being in a car. The first version was long enough that I accepted it, but the shorter version makes it more confusing. Maybe one line of transition?
Overall...
I love it. Very, very nice imagery, especially the ending. ^_^
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
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