FLAMES. ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

[hazliya]

Protip: When talking about how Poly requires you to intimately understand and respect the feelings of others, try not to gaslight people in the same thread.

There's a facebook thread going on about poly relationships. I hadn't commented on it, but elenuial had. There was a comment made by someone, referred to here as K*, that raised a flag of his IRT a

Comments

[darkangellove46]

Wow. Thank you for posting this, i thought i was the only one who felt like that at times, now i know there's a name for it! Just knowing that i'm not the crazy one is so comforting.

[hazliya]

You're welcome! Sadly, it's far too common.

[relique]

not seeing the actual first comments means I'm missing some context, but the type of additude displayed seems to fall under a couple categories of the "how to fuck up polyamory" faq.... http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq-supplement/

[hazliya]

Basically, she said that being poly means that you have a better understanding of relationships than most normal people can handle. She backpedaled later, then accused me of having an inferiority complex because I'm (she assumes) monogamous. When I hadn't even said anything about poly, just her choice of phrase.

[purple_dj]

Despite the fact that she claims to be extremely good with cats, K is one of the very rare people Toti will attack on site with no provocation. He *really* doesn't like having her around.

I'm not saying you have to listen to my cat's opinion, but it might be worth noting that he'd rather get yelled at for attacking than have to deal with her.

[shogunhb]

"Well, my cat doesn't like her" is perhaps the best response Ever.

[shogunhb]

Can't resist urge to Troll that thread...

Also, where is that animated gif from, it's awesome!

[hazliya]

I don't know where it came from! All I know is that it's Alan Rickman flipping a table and therefore awesome. If you find out what movie/show it's from, please let me know!

[shogunhb]

I just googled "Alan Rickman flipping a table" and got this:

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2011/07/david_michalek_video_slow_moti.html

"It’s part of “Portraits in Dramatic Time,” a series of ultra-slow-motion video portraits of Rickman, William H. Macy, Holly Hunter, Liev Schreiber, and other actors"

The full video of Alan Rickman, making tea and flipping a table. In slow motion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCnI7RhaNjg

[jalawingedone]

I really have trouble not using the "I'm sorry you feel that way" response in heated discussion. I use it to mean "I don't understand what I did, so it's insincere to apologize for it, but I upset you, and I never want to upset you, so please explain what I did wrong so I will understand and then not do it again." But what I actually say comes off as dismissive, and I haven't found a way to say all that quickly and clearer.

Just for clarity, I'm not the person from the thread. Looking at poly relationships from the viewpoint of my amicable monogamous relationship looks complicated, fragile, and tiring, but some folks clearly can make it work, for as long as they need to make it work for. People are individuals, and the more general a statement about people is, the less accurate it is about any given person.

[shadowravyn]

I have found that saying, "I'm sorry my words upset you, that was not my intention" works.

There, you are taking ownership; you acknowledge that your wording was what made the person feel bad and it's not them being oversensitive. As much as we're conditioned not to use the passive voice, "I'm sorry my words were hurtful/upsetting, that was not my intention" might also be useful here.

Following that up with a brief explanation that you don't know how your words were upsetting is helpful, too. It shows that you're not trying to brush them off, but instead, learn from your mistake.

[neuromancerzss]

I wouldn't suggest using anything but "I" (as the actor) if the intention is taking responsibility. Careful constructions come across to me as someone trying to clever their way out of the tricky situation without accepting the other person's response as valid. I've definitely done that myself and usually because I felt their response wasn't reasonable and I wasn't willing to take responsibility I didn't feel, but when someone catches on to that sort of thing it just intensifies the problem.

Really, if you do want to take responsibility but don't understand the problem, it's probably best to not use shorthand at all and clearly explain that. Nothing says "I care about your feelings" like really engaging someone.